Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m torn, should I marry the one I love or the one who follows deen?

AsSalaamu Alaikum,

I'm an English woman who has recently reverted to Islam and I'm really happy but I'm torn. I was with my ex boyfriend for 6 years (before I reverted).

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We broke up because I reverted to islam and because he wouldnt marry me (it would be wrong for me to stay with someone whom im not married to). He is muslim but he doesnt practice nor does he really want to, well not yet anyway he says hes not ready, I really love him and I would love to be his wife as he has a good heart even though he is lost in life.

But recently a friend of mine whom i have known for years asked me to marry him he is a God fearing man who wants what I want in life we are so similar and we have the same understanding however my ex has also asked me to marry him.

I'm torn, do I marry the man whom I really love or do I marry the man who wants the same as me in life, ie to live the islamic way. My ex says he wants to raise his children the islamic way but he says he is not ready to practice yet where as my friend wants what I want and that is to live according to the Quran and the prophets sunnah.

Do I follow my heart and marry the man I love and make du'a for him and pray Allah guides him or do I marry the man who is already guided.

I'm really torn please brothers and sisters please give me advise.

- Amina


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12 Responses »

  1. assalamu alaykum sister i also had that choice to make i chose the one who follows deen and left the one i loved it hurt but as time passed i felt and saw that i made the right decision im fond of my husband now and im very happy with him you know when i feel lazy he encourages me to read salaah and quraan he does that everyday did you pray nadheerah? come lets pray,hhhh i like that alot to me that is more important then love,he is so deeny atleast thats what i see,and whatever decision u make doesnt guarantee your happiness okay this is life not jannah.

    • Nadheerah, it's nice that your husband does that and that you appreciate it, Alhamdulillah. It sounds like you have your priorities straight.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. assalamoualaikoum.. i love a girl.she said that she loves me.but after that, she lied to me and she went with someone else. reading what u wrote nadheerah, i have found peace in my heart..truly ALLAH is great.. masha ALLAH nadheerah.. i will forget zeenat and try to find someone else..May ALLAH guide me and give me strength

  3. ya ALLAH give all my brothers and sisters on this site who are helping those who are depressed the will and courage to continue and help them achieve what is good for them and ya ALLAH anne wali balaaon ko dour farmade...i dont know how to say this in enlish so i said it in urdu..

  4. Salam sister

    go for the one you love I'm a good muslim my self I have been there done that I'm married with a muslim man which follows deen but end of the day the love that i have for my ex will never disappear please do not make the mistake and marry your friend once you do I am 100% sure you will regret it because end of the day we go with our heart & it will torture you for a long time but your ex make him to follow islam pray to Allah that he will one day trust me once he marry you I am sure he will change

    I have done the same mistake married for deen but now it totures me when I remember the one I loved

    Allah show you the right path

    your sister in islam

  5. assala mu alaykum i would take the advice of sister nadheerah not sister meena because NOBODY can change a person no matter how hard you try but ALLAH is the one who grants guidance dont make a decision u will regret oneday and inshlh ull love the deeny one more

    • "NOBODY can change a person no matter how hard you try but ALLAH is the one who grants guidance"

      You're exactly right about that.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. Salaams

    I think you should marry the guy that follows deen. He has a broader understanding of islam and will treat you right according to how woman should be treated in islam and guide you towards the right part. You guys also share the same understanding. I believe that this is what makes a marriage work.

    How sure are you that after you marry the guy that does not practice islam,he will suddenly change? He may try to change you and instead you may start following him. If he does not follow islam properly, how does he expect his children to. What knowledge does he have to be able to contribute this to his children. After you get married,love gets thrown out the window and reality sets in. You need a religious person to guide you and your children towards the right part.

    Haniya

  7. asslam o alıkum

    dear sıster. fırst of all my deep heart greetıng and warm welcomes to u ın our relıgıon, the true relıgıon of ALLAH ıslam. dear ı wıll not talk for some long tıme. but ı wıll clear u here some poınts. human has two dıfferent kınds of desıres ın hıs or her heart. one ıs the desıre of NAFS (ego) and second ıs the desıre by ALLAH. desıres of egos dıes early but the wıll ın heart by ALLAH never dıes. my dear sıster... ıt ıs not easy to classıfy between these desıres. thats why ıslam gıves us knowladge or a way to knows ALLAH decısıon. DO THE PRAYER OF ISTKHARAH. (PLEASE SEARCH ON NET DETAILS FOR THIS PRAYER) ıf ALLLAH want u to marry ur ex, ıt wıll happen and ıf ALLAH dosent want u to marry hım. then he wıll trun your heart totaly from hım.
    may ALLAH be please wıth u and bless u wıth the all hapıness and accept your acceptable duas.

    ALLAH HU... ALLAH HAQ (HE IS ALLAH...HE IS THE TRUTH)
    PEACE BE UPON TO OUR LOVELY PROPHET MUHAMMAD S.A.W

  8. Assalaamu alaikum. Alhumdulilah that you have become Muslim! I just wanted to add some hadiths on this topic.

    Wed not idolatresses till they believe; for lo! a believing bondwoman is better than an idolatress though she please you; and give not your daughters in marriage to idolaters till they believe, for lo! a believing slave is better than an idolater though he please you. (I know he is Muslim and not an idolator but still thought this was relevant.)

    "Women are preferred for four qualities in marriage: for her property, nobility, beauty and religion. Prefer the religious one, you will be happy."(4)

    Our Prophet, who often warns us regarding the issue, wants us to be more careful with his following advice: "Do not marry women only for their beauty because their beauty may put them in danger. Do not marry them only for their property because their property may deprave them. Marry the religious one. Doubtlessly, a black female slave with a cut nose, and pierced ear is better that a woman who is not religious."
    4. Ibn Majah, Nikah: 6.

    Personally, from what you have said, and from Prophet (SAW) advice, I recommend the guy with deen over your ex. A man with deen InshaAllah will not oppress you or treat you badly or do so many of the other awful things I read about on this site. He will InshaAllah treat you well. I dont think marrying your ex is a good idea if he is not practicing deen, regardless of how you feel, this is your future.

    That said, not to be suspicious but its important to check compatability and do the proper checks on the guy with deen. Do you want children? When? Is there some level of attraction..etc ask all of the important questions, answer his, be thorough about it. (It does seem that you know him.) If the components are there, aka you want the same things, he has deen, character, attraction, and familys are ok with it, then go for it! Make dua for Allah to make you make the best decision. From what you say though he sounds like a good prospect MashaAllah!

    Make the intention to marry to please Allah (swt), you will InshaAllah be rewarded especially if its in accordance with the Sunnah, Allah will bless your marriage andthe seeds of love should InshaAllah grow between you and your spouse.
    May Allah give you the best spouse, and give you happiness in this life and the next. Ameen

  9. In many ways i agree with what most people have said in response to this lady's inquiry. However, where I disagree is when we assume that the man with deen will always treat her right. I don't think that it is a universal and undeniable conclusion that just because someone practices Islam, they will therefore treat their wives with love and kindness. Everyone has their own personality traits, and I know for a fact -- even more so now since I have been researching the problems that affect muslim women -- that muslim women are often subject to abuse and other wayward conduct by their muslim husbands.

    I'm not saying that you should not choose the man who is more religious. I am saying that if you are inclined to choose him, make sure that he has all the other qualities that will make him a good husband to you and a good father to your children, and make sure that your heart is happy with that choice because if you regret it later on, this man will be heartbroken.

    Do istikharah and pray for guidance.

  10. As-salamualaikum,
    as someone who was raised in a non-religious/non-practicing family of people who are not considered muslims(i don't want to give info on my parents' cult/ sect), and choosing to marry a born muslim who wasn't very practicing at the time that i had been guided to the truth, i would say marry the practicing guy.
    you have consciously chosen to live a certain way of life. this will affect your every day choices, in matters big and small. like what you choose to eat, wear, interact, seeking knowledge, your physical acts of worship, your priorities. you have a connection with your creator. your ex doesn't have as strong as a connection or his priorities would be different, and he would care to please his creator.
    beginning of marriage was really rough for me. cultural differences, even though we both originate from the same country, i wasn't born there. there was a difference in personalities, one of the things that really impressed me about islam was the morals, the goodness. try living with a guy who thinks allah is forgiving even if he lies. there's a difference between someone who lies and feels guilty and repents, and someone who just lies and if someone says something, he says, "allah is forgiving".
    once we had kids, issues with raising them emerged. i wanted to send them to islamic school, for example. but he didn't.
    alhamdulillah my husband has changed into a better human being than i am.
    my iman was strong, my love/desire to please allah was strong, i went through tests and tough times, but eventually what wore me down was the very differences to start with in the beginning. i came into marriage knowing and studying the rights of my husband and trying to please my husband and be the best wife i could be. he had no idea of my rights. in fact, because of where he was raised, he basically treated me as what i thought of as garbage. but that was what he knew.
    i would say talk to your ex and see where his priorities with his creator are. and remember, nobody can change any one. he has to change. he has to show it in action. if i tell you i didn't steal, but you found out it was caught on camera, then what is my action saying? are his actions showing love for his creator?
    marriage is a very very important decision. who are you going to spend the rest of your life with? maybe it's neither one of these men. no one is ever going to be a perfect husband. who ever you marry will have flaws, they are human. but which flaws don't you want?
    you want a man with taqwa, love of his creator. islam is all about rights and obligations. if he understands your rights, he will treat you in a nice way.
    you are looking to choose a father as well.

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