I want to marry a guy with kids
Assalam o alaikum,
I am a sunni Muslim girl from Pakistan. I am 23. My father is a heart patient and has relatively poor health and I am the eldest child and have only one younger sister and no brother. I work to support my family.
I and a guy like each other and we met around 6 months back. He is 31 and is divorced and has 2 young daughters and lives with his parents. He has known all about my situation and problems all along and had no problem if I continue to work to support my family forever. He also added that we can support them together but I never intended to burden him with any of that and work myself to support my family.
While proposing to me he said that he wanted to talk to his mother about me but I asked him to hold it for a while as my family was going through a very hard time and severe financial crisis and I couldn't bring up the topic of my marriage under such circumstances. He was pretty sure that his family won't have any issues. He kept on asking oftenly if he could talk to his family now and one day he finally talked to his mother. His mother didn't have any issue except one, that with the job in place I won't be able to pay proper attention to kids as they are too young and need supervision 24/7. However, we sorted out that matter without compromising on my job.
But when he talked to his father he refused it clearly and had serious objection on my job, reasons being a) I will not be able to look after kids along with the job b) He doesn't approve of working women.
He had serious argument with his father and it made things worse. Now his father is being stubborn and says that he won't allow him to marry me no matter what and if he does against his will then he will not allow us to live with them or have their blessings and he also won't let kids go with him.
He says that his father has this ego problem and won't agree now and he is bound because of kids. I tried my best to forget about him but I just cannot and I am afraid that if I marry elsewhere I will still keep thinking about this guy which will be extremely wrong. I have been going through severe depression and I pray to Allah all the time to get this problem solved. To either make it possible and easy or to turn my heart away and make me strong and forget all this. We both were very keen to sort it out but now he has lost hope but I still want to give it a try.
I have been praying to Allah all the time. I just want help here to know if there is any way to change his father's mind? I know it's near impossible but still I have this hope that he may agree as this guy once mentioned that his father loves him very much. Also, I don't have any issues with his kids. I know that it's impossible to replace one's mother but I am willing to try to fill this gap in their lives to as much extent as I can.
RM.1991
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A Salaam Alaikum sister,
I married someone who been divorced 2 times im his 3rd wife but couldn't have kids and I was divorced before too with a daughter and it created alot of fights because he always had problems with my daughter and now he divorced me islamiclly but now we going through the court system, I'm not saying all people are the same but please sister be careful because you would be surprised how people lie about the dumbest things and later it creates more problems, my dad always taught us not to lie he says because if you lie once then because of that one lie you will have to lie every time, do your full research on this man, make sure he fears Allah 1st and then his family too because end of the day he is their son, don't marry for the wrong reason and make sure about him too not just 100% but 200%, may Allah help you to the right path and give you all the happiness and keep you in his protection ya rab
Salaams,
My personal feeling is that the care of his children should not be automatically foisted on you. It sounds as if he was looking for a wife strictly to fill that role, and that's not appropriate. Although it's important for stepchildren to be loved and valued by a stepparent coming into the family, it's not that stepparent's obligation to become a surrogate mother or father.
My natural question is, where is the children's mother? She should be playing an active role in their life and sharing parenting duties with him, unless she is somehow a danger to them. It's she that his parents should feel this way about, not you.
I believe that since you have a job already, and clearly you have significant responsibilities to your parents, that comes first before a marriage or stepchildren. Anyone who expects you to sacrifice your own values for theirs is not a good fit. It doesn't sound like he is doing that directly, but it's coming from his parents. Nonetheless, if he is going to follow their goading instead of standing up for what you are trying to make work for yourselves as a couple, it's going to be a problem.
And that's the crux here: he needs to make his own decision in this. Islamically, he is not obligated to 'obey' their suggestions. If he is not willing or able to chart his own course with you regardless of what they say, it's probably going to lead to a very stressful marriage and create a further burden on you. Maybe it's better to forego him, if that's the case.
Every marriage should be preceded by istikhara. Have you done this yet? If not, I strongly suggest you start with that. If you still feel inclined to marry him afterwards, then it's essential to get everyone on the same page. If that can't be done, then consider the pros and cons of still going forward with him at that point. In the end, you need to make the choice YOU can live with...and it will be very hard to live with your choice if you end up doing something that may impact the needs of your parents.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear sister RM ,
I feel you are complicating your life by marrying this man who already have two kids .What this man want ? A maid to look after his two kids ?
Quiting job make sense for people who already have lot of money and not for financially poor people .
His father seems to be a big problem and also yoy dont know what a big pain it will be to look after kids .
My suggestion is don't take decision in HURRY .Take lot of time and do proper back ground check and then decide . Keep praying and making DUA.
Okay u cn marry smeoene else it dnt look like he will chnge lol..
Or situation just tell.him.okay u will be llooking fr a guy ..bas if nt this sme kne else lol
Dntnlike him too much befre hand bass if situation nt going to chnge im sre u cn find a great guy anyway
All the best to u and him
as salam o alaykum
Dear sister
I believe since you are going through hard time so he is just a kind of resort for you to relax.You have started believing that you may find peace with him.
But life is too different with a man of two kids.
I am telling you from my personal experience.Don't spoil your future happiness by doing favour to them.they will never ever thank you for that.Let them find the mother for their kids and you just try to forget that man.
You will find a single man , you are still young.
I married a man with two kids.From the second day of our marriage i started regretting for marrying him.
In pakistan people look at second wife/step mother as a villain.
You will try to be the best mother but no body will be happy with you.
Kids will find it really hard to see you at their mother's place.
They will develop hatred for you and make things more difficult.
The man will never feel the same for you and your marriage.because he has been through all this before.He will only take it as a responsibility.
You will miss those early wedding days fun and every thing.
Your in laws will keep comparing you with the ex.
Please think that you deserve more than a man with two kids.
Its better to wait.