I misbehaved with my parents, and screamed at my father
Assalamoalekum all,
I am in a desperate need of views from anyone who can give me some good advice on my issue. I am extremely short tempered. And being a woman it is totally unacceptable especially the way I react. I shout on the top of my voice with no boundaries as to what i say. I abuse in frustration and i cry and scream! Firstly i should mention that it's not that I do with everyone. I am totally normal with outsider its with close relations whome i victimize of my true ugly self!
I had been misbehaving with everyone including my parents. This time I have been so rude that my father said that he'll never forget what I said to him. Though I never abuse or use any such language with my father, my volume is at its peak. I recite Quran, read translation as well, listen to surah-e-rehman but I want to control and say sorry to him. I dont want to repeat this I am ashamed of my self and I need someone to please help me and advise me what to do? I want to say sorry to my father but i just cant...
-Fa
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Assalamualkum sister,
I was in the same position as you not too long ago. I think the best thing you can do is just let it calm down and write a letter to your father. I also think that you should ask to go to anger management classes so you can have a better control. Overtime, InshaAllah this will pass and everything will better and forgiven.
Sister A
Dear Sister, Asalaamualaykum,
It is with our nearest and dearest that we are put to the test the most, as I am sure we will all agree. Which is probably one of the reasons why the rewards are so high for maintaining the ties of kinship and for being good to our parents. I often battle through my own ties of kinship aswell, so this is a difficult topic for me but one that I will try to help you with and also learn from myself as I write insha'Allah.
Remind yourself of 'death' often. Insha'Allah when you do this, you will see things clearer. We will all die one day, that is inevitable and we will be held accountable. So if there is anything your parents are doing 'wrong', they will be held accountable for their own actions and it is only your duty to speak to them and explain to them with kindness. If they still do not understand whatever it is, struggle to maintain your kindness - you will be rewarded for that and likewise you will be punished for being rude/bad to them.
You may be frustrated and angry, but do you really achieve anything from 'shouting and screaming'? I am sure you achieve nothing but sin, extreme guilt and severed relations with your parents. I know how hard it can be at times though, when you feel that you're knocking on closed doors with your folks and its having a negative impact on your life. When that happens - its time for you to take time out. Fulfil your duties to your parents, but try to do other things that you enjoy aswell - otherwise you will drive yourself to insanity and bitterness.
And at the same time, keep reminding yourself that no matter what your parents are doing, however messed up it may seem, they do love you (unless you are being abused of course). So keep being kind and be patient and remember that you will one day also be a parent insha'Allah and there will also be times when your children will not see eye to eye with you - hopefully they will treat you with respect despite the differences. Also, is what your folks are saying really that bad? Or are you just blowing things out of proportion? Either way - shouting and screaming at them is not justified at all.
***
I do not want to bore you, but I will share a little something with you. When I was about 20 years young, my little sister began to wear hijab, so my father started pressuring me to do the same and also wanted me to wear 'Salwaar Kameez' to uni (the traditional pakistani dress and not nice up to date ones, but old fashioned old fogie ones). I really did not want to wear either. So every day, when I'd return from uni, I'd sneak past his bedroom and up into my bedroom in the attic/loft, get changed and then come and greet him with 'Salaams'. He didn't like it, but he wouldnt ever let on that he knew I had just sneaked past his room, got changed and then come to greet him (that was rude of me). Our relationship began to weaken, I never really spoke very much with my dad to start with because I didnt know what to talk about, but he was always a very good, big hearted, decent and hard working man. It got to a point where I started feeling he didnt 'like' me and I was always in a huff and puff with him.
But I will always remember this one day. It was Feb 1997, Eid ul Fitr, it was evening time, we were all finishing a late family lunch. I was standing near the dining table and my dad walked up to me and hugged me - yes he actually hugged me. He was a small man, and I was just a little taller than him, so I bent a little to hug him back. There was nothing fake about my dad, so when he showed emotion, he meant it and since I couldnt recall the last time he had hugged me before that, it brought major lumps to my throat and I wanted so much to cry. I still remember that moment clearly, because a month and a half later my dad passed away in front of my eyes at the young age of 54. Infact in the same room in which I am sat typing right now.
So...I wish I had been a better daughter to him while he was alive. I wish I had understood why he had wanted me to wear hijaab and I wish I had understood why he was worried when I left for uni every day. I still would not have worn the 'clothes' he wanted me to, but I wish despite that, I had been confident enough to 'not hide' from him. I wish I had looked after him more when he was on his dialysis and I wish I had just given him some real time and company - despite any differences we had.
The reason why I am telling you this my dear Sister, is that we so easily let our anger and negative emotions take over us. But we forget to remember the most simple and important things - that life is so short and our parents can be a great source of blessing for us if we only just open our hearts to them. So we need to be doing as much as we can for them while they are alive.
Some things are less important than others, so pick your battles wisely, don't argue with your folks over everything. Let things go, unless they are life changingly important to you and even with those things - try your utmost to be gentle with your folks. If you cannot say the word 'sorry' to your dad - then don't, the main thing is that you are sorry in your heart and you show this clearly through your actions. Although - if you did say sorry, it would be great, I think it would take a big burden off your mind and heart. If it makes you cry and feel a little 'more little' than usual, then so be it. Sometimes its good to have a cry with your dad and to have that feeling that someone who has a wise and unconditional love and affection for you is looking out for you and putting his comforting arm around you. I wish I had that - from anyone in that 'father figure' position. Sometimes, I close my eyes and ask Allah to hug me with his Mercy - it may sound silly, but I ask so with the hope that it will relieve me of the absence felt by the little girl still inside me. Your dad is still with you, so be thankful to Allah and make the most of his presence.
***
Enough about me and back to you. Obviously I don't know what caused you to lose your temper, and maybe I would be able to offer you some specific advice if I did know. But either way - there is no harm in apologising. It really is the humble and best thing to do and I am sure this will be pleasing to Allah.
***
Please read over these ayahs and hadiths carefully as I promise to do aswell insha'Allah:
Allah(swt) says in Surah 17, Ayahs 23-34: "And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as] 'uff' [i.e., an expression of irritation or disapproval] and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word. And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say: 'My Lord! Have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.'
Surah 2, Ayah 83: "And [recall] when We took the covenant from the Children of Israel, [enjoining upon them]: 'Do not worship except Allaah; and to parents, do good…'
Surah 4, Ayah 36: "Worship Allaah and associate nothing with Him, and to parents do good..."
Surah 6, Ayah 151: "Say: 'Come, I will recite what your Lord has prohibited to you. [He commands] that you not associate anything with Him, and to parents, good treatment...'</strong.
And Abu 'Abdur-Rahmaan 'Abdullaah Ibn Mas’ood(ra) narrated the following: "I asked the Prophet(sws): 'Which deed is the most beloved to Allaah?' He(sws) replied: "Prayers performed on time." I then asked: 'Which one is next?' He replied: "Goodness to parents." I then asked: 'Which is next?' He replied: "Jihaad in the path of Allaah."
`Aa’ishah(ra) narrated that a man came to the Prophet(sws) in order to resolve a dispute that he had with his father regarding a loan he had given him. The Prophet(sws) said to the man: "You and your wealth are to (i.e., the property of) your father."
Respect for parents is continuously mentioned in the Quran immediately after the mention of worshipping Allah alone, what does this show us? And it is also mentioned before the command for 'jihaad', what does this show us?
***
At the same time, read about the life of Rasul(sws) and of his male and female companions and isha'Allah you will aspire to be like them. Below are some hadiths/ayahs describing the best way for the believers to talk:
Rasul Allah (sws) said: “Whoever does not argue when he is in the wrong will have a home built for him on the edge of Paradise. Whoever avoids it when he in the right will have a home built for him in the middle of Paradise. And whoever improves his own character, a home will be built for him in the highest part of Paradise.” [Tirmidhi]
In Surah Al-Hajj, Allah describes the believer as: “And they have been guided to the purest of speeches; and guided to the path of Him who is worthy of all praise.” Furthermore, Anas(ra) reported that: “the Prophet(sws)'s talk was clear and concise. Not too much nor too little. He disliked loquacity and ranting.” Bukhari narrated a Hadith in which Aisha(ra) said: “The Prophet(sws)'s talk (was so little) that you can count his words”.
The Qur’án also tells us that the advice of Luqmán, the wise, to his son in Surah Luqman, Ayah 19 was: “And lower your voice.” And in Surat Hujurat: “O ye who believe! raise not your voices above the voice of the Prophet, nor speak aloud to Him In talk, As ye may speak aloud to one another, Lest your deeds become vain and ye perceive not. Those that lower their voices In the presence of Allah’s Messenger,- their hearts has Allah tested for piety: for them is forgiveness and a great reward.”
***
I also think it is important for you to focus on what is causing your frustration. People don't get flared up for no reason. Something must be causing it? Are there communication barriers between yourself and your parents? Do you want to marry some but they are not helping you? Do you feel that you need some space? Or that you just want them to understand you? Are you having some personal issues? Whatever it is, there is way to deal with it insha'Allah. Perhaps we can try to help you if you want us to?
***
Insha'Allah my words will help you in some way and I will leave you with this dua for your parents: 'My Lord! Have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small'.
And apologies for the messy reply, I was in a rush when typing!
Best Wishes,
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
SisterZ, thank you so much for sharing your story. It made me think. Advice presented in this way has a great impact.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
JazaakhAllahukhayr Brother! Its just one of those times that I can never forget as 15 years on, the tears are just as ready to fall as they were that day.
May Allah forgive my father and rest his soul, aameen.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
May Allah swt have mercy on him and grant him Jannatul Firdaws.
Ameen
shokran for your story sister Z. it helped me a lot.. thanks a lot..
Hi i liked your explanation and there might be something i would like ur advice in as well but i dont want it to be public is it possible if i could email you somewhere personally
GREAT advice from SisterZ. Full of wisdom!
Please Sisterz I feel my relationship with my mother is like yours was with your dad, I am 25 I feel that she dosent love me or neglected me when I was young emotionally, even though she has numerous times shown love esp the out of the blue kiss on the cheek on eid 🙂 I was so happy, I will remember it forever. Sometimes I tell myself she did this she did that and I cry by myself because I know I am wrong to think badly of her and my dad sometimes. Please can I have your email I need some one to talk to.
I often struggle with my relationship with my parents. Being short tempered and easily annoyed (with everyone not just my parents). Also considering that my parents are difficult people. Your advice really reached out to me. Thank you.
loved reading your reply
Thank you Ma'am... I don't find words to thank you.. Aankhein khol di apne .... I am not a Muslim... I'm from India... Thanks for sharing this...when times are very bad even a line of consolation helps ... Thanks again.
thank you for this post. i am going through the same , it was helpful at thistime as iam all for of rage and anger and trying my best not to let it out of me. i know i will be fine after sometime. i also know what is bothering me but because i cant do anything about it and my mom doesnt understand me at all , iam frustrated. may allah give us peace.
Sister z thank u for the amazing advise ...you don't know how much I needed this ....may Allah (swt) grant you happiness in this world and hereafter .
-sister a.b
Dear friend, I understand so well what you are going through, and i have alot of compassion for you i felt compelled to write back i hope its ok i just want to say i to am different with outsiders and it seems i let out my anger especially my dad, yesturday i yelled at him so loud and said means things to him and felt so ashamed and i to prayed to my lord and it seems there is no refuge i first need to repent and sorry doesnt seem enough because i keep repeating the same attitude. I feel so guilty your not alone in fact i literally googled "how to repent after yelling at your father" because i love him so much and hate myself for how i treat him..very strange. we are all human and we slip we fall we stumble but we get baack up and we can rely on steadfast love from the lord, i maybe from a different religion but your human you have a heart and i relate to you as a person i think you are strong for seeking advice and wanting to change, it feels good for me too, to know im not alone in this and that there is hope, our fathers forgive us more than we know but we do need to change i support you take baby steps, dont be to hard on yourself, im working on developing more patience and temperance, self control maybe try speaking to a close friend who is good with emotions and self control, perhaps someone born in november..anywho hope this helps Good luck my friend as i can see alot of people love ans support you 🙂
Help me plz. Am upset n am depressed till death coz of misbehaving wid my mother. I love my mother more than my n soul n can give my life away for her. But mostly i am not able to control my anger on her.. i misbehave shout.. n argue.. n scream like hell. I feel she sumtyms never try to agree wid me even wen she realises that she's wrong she still wont ever accept her mistake even wen she's caught guilty .. she still never accepts her mistake. Moreover shouts at me on simple things. Abuse me till death... says as many as abusive words she can.. n so my brain gets outta control so mch tht one or two of a tyms i hve hitted her. After doing so i felt guilty till death i thought of committing a suicite cz i hve been so soo bad daughter. I feel ashamed fr wat i did. Am in pain cry fr hurting my mother. I knw am wrong. N i want to change myself. I jst want her to understand me. N do wats right rather thn jst being a dictator . I knw i hve done unforgivable crime. N i deserve to be punished fr it. Sumbody help me. Tell me hiw to control my anger on my mother.
Asalaamualaykum,
I am 14 years old and I have anger management issues and I shout on my parents misbehave with them, but I realize my mistake and after sometime i go to them and apologize but I feel ashamed of myself they love me that is why they forgive me every time i make a mistake. my father is kind of depressed because of me and I regret misbehaving with them. I love my parents a lot. May Allah give them a long happy and a healthy life. i just wanted to ask how can i control my anger my father says that i just need to control my anger and behave otherwise i am a great daughter but controlling my anger is not so easy for me every night before i go to sleep i say to myself that i will control my anger and behave but i cant. i would really appreciate it if you help me.