Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My mother in law wants to break up my marriage

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Salam,
My mother in law had objections on our marriage, and she gives lots of pressure to her son to divorce me, she told him that I'm not the right person for him and that he deserves better than me.

My husband would convince his mother, but she did not agree at any cost and was persistant that he should divorce me. Now his mum very angry with him because he didn't obey her and even his brother and sister.

What does he need to do?

Meriam


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20 Responses »

  1. Sister Meriam, As-salamu alaykum,

    Your husband should say to his mother something like the following:

    "Mother, I love you and I am happy to obey you in all things that are good and reasonable. But I love my wife and she is a good woman. It would not be right of me to divorce her. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, "The most perfect of believers in belief is the best of them in character. The best of you are those who are the best to their women." I will keep my wife and I ask you to accept this and be kind to her. Just as I respect you as my mother, please also respect me as your son, and respect my choices in life."

    If his mother continues to be angry, he will just have to let her be angry, and wait for it to pass.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Salaams sister Meriam

    I feel your pain and I know this must be very difficult situation for you. Your husband should stick up for you marriage is not a joke and divorce is not taken lightly I am very shocked reading your reply especially when one women plays it against another women this is all wrong in my opinion I mean how would she feel if it was her own daughter in this situation instead of you. Words should be taken into consideration with a saying tawbh tawbh for a divorce. Women are generally scared more then men even today this exists divorce men with kids or not are more likely to re marry but where is the justice for women. Can’t a women feel the pain for another women where is the love and respect for that I don’t get it. And what brother Wael said is so true I respect your honesty and has a good husband too he should stand up for you and the marriage both of you took in front of allah the mother in law should be told by the son it is you he chose and wants to be with not anyone else just because she didn’t get her way what right does she have to say your no good it is your husband who should be telling his own mum.

    I wish you the best in this difficult time w/salaams

  3. Dear Meriam

    I think its a proven fact that most women don't get on with their mother-in-law, because some men are ‘mummy’s boys’ and their mothers can never let go of them and who ever they are with are never good enough for the mother-in-law, but you should explain to your husband how this is effecting you and how you feel about it… if that doesnt work try ‘fighting fire with fire’ and talk to your mother-in-law and explain to her how you are feeling about her and how you dont understand why you are being pushed out.

    She could still be angry at you for marrying her son without her full permission. She needs to get over that and start supporting your relationship. You didn't mention the reasons for objecting to your marriage.Maybe you should ask her.

    Rumaysa

    • I disagree with you there sister Rumaysa the boys may be mummy’s boys to most women out there but a REAL man is the one who stands up to his mother and chooses his wife for the right reasons especially when married because they are a man not a little boy and are a married couple. You are right in stating the truth but this isn’t always the outcome are men who are willing to really look after there wives and verse visa. I think most children are afraid to cause offence or pain to their parents feelings but I believe if you marry a guy or women then it is your marriage not anyone else’s to interfere and the real person out of it is the one you married who supports you, loves you and earn your respects. Parents are second place once someone marries that’s how I always believed it and still do as there is only so much you can do to keep pleasing and not reliving the truth in you so standing up to your own happinessness is the one we all must do but stereotyping people all the same is one I strongly disagree as there are still decent people out there sabr is the word. Parents do need to let go and one valid point you have made w.salaams

      • Sister Samina

        If you read my post again carefully, I did not stereotype ALL people to be the same. I mentioned that "MOST" women and "SOME men are mummys boys". I did not mention ALL men because ALL men are not the same. Yes there are REAL MEN that know how to handle the situation and would stand up for his wife but there are still some men that don't do this, that still behave like little boys and wouldn't even think of standing up for their wives. That's sometimes the reason why mother-in-law problems get worse.

        Rumaysa

  4. Sister,

    First and foremost, congratulations on your marriage. May you and your husband spend many years happy together. For the record here, I watched a very good and pious friends marriage go down the toilet because the husbands mother felt a lot like your mother in law, she too wanted someone else for her son. Like your mother in law she also didn't feel that her son chose "the right one" and that he could have done better. The husband would never, ever stand for his wife and allowed his mother to constantly berate the wife throughout the marriage. After two beautiful sons and years of disrespect which caused lots of arguing, this couple ended up divorced. One of the sons will have nothing to do with his father because he watched how his father would never stand for his mother. I wonder how his mother feels now? She destroyed a beautiful and loving marriage because she had no respect for their choice to be with one another. She made their marriage hell and those boys ended up living with mom and not dad. The boys had no respect for their father because in their eyes, he allowed it by not standing up to his mother.

    It's a shame that your husbands mother can not be happy for her son and his choice of a life partner. Maybe as time goes by, she will come to see that her son truly is happy and even though you may not be the one for her...you are the one for her son. I personally think it's beyond selfish for a parent to behave in this manner especially if the couple are already married. I hope she comes around in time, if not...too bad for her. Good luck to the both of you!

  5. Assalamu Aleikum Sis,

    oh my god, that sounds like my present situation. I was arguing with my husband for the last 2 weeks

    because my own mother in law did something unbelievable, which goes into the direction of Kufr,

    to destroy my marriage. She sent his aunt to Germany with Sihr(black magic) and I even caught her

    doing it on me. my hubby doesn't want to believe that his mom is the culprit and is able to do something

    like that. I'm clueless for the first time in my life, and can't take any reasonable decision because I'm

    too emotional at the moment. As an educated person, I always thought Sihr doesn't exist and that

    people make that up to blame others. But, now to your situation:

    Wael's suggestion is mash'allah very Islamic, but from a human perspective too friendly. I was raised

    in the West myself and I'm aware of oriental family ties and extended family structures which curb the rights

    of the individual. It is very reasonable to respect and obey parents, but very often, a parent can be the worst

    enemy of her own child and destroy their luck. Islam allows you to disobey your parents if they act unis-

    lamically( marriage) and the prophet s.a.v.a.s. said himself: Let the children play until they are 7,then

    be strict with their upbringing until they are 14 and then, let them make their own decisions and trust

    your upbringing. In other words: if they haven't learned it by 14, they will never do. The personality is already

    shaped at the beginning of puberty. That's Islam. And everything else is culture. Believe me, not every

    mother will listen to these soft words, I love you, but you have to respect my wife etc. My own mother in law

    praises me in front of her son, and behind my back, she works against me. Your mother in law is very

    just because she says it openly and face to face. It hurts, but it' honest. Tell your husband to tell his

    mom not to interfere into his private life, that it's not of her business and that it's unfair to disrespect

    his wife. She doesn't have the right to hurt your feelings by demanding a divorce. Even if the solution

    is that you have to stay away from her, he has to support you emotionally. If the mother -in- law

    shows her daughter -in- law her hatred or disapproval, this can lead to low-confidence issues and even

    divorces. We don't want to give them what they want, do we? Qu'ran says spouses are a garment for

    each other. And not that mothers are garments for their sons. Men have to know what they want

    and stand firm for their decisions instead of behaving like 3 year-old cowards.

    And insha allah your husband will be able to show boundaries to his mother in the name of deen.

    Jazakallah

    • may she burn in hell for the life destroying black magic. allah won't forgive such sin (shirk) so she'll get her punishment.

    • I am a white woman living in South Africa. I reverted Muslim 4½ years ago and married my husband with his parents consent just over 3 years ago. But ever since, after we were married, his mother and father do absolutely everything to disrespect me. I am sworn at, ridiculed, slandered, and until recently, my father-in-law told my 2 stepsons (10 & 11) that they are to kill me for him. They are to stab me in the heart with a knife while i am sleeping. My husband and i are continually fighting about this disrespect i receive from his parents, he wont stand up to his parents because he says in Islam they are taught from a young age to "RESPECT" their parents no matter what. My husband says i am making a mountain out of a mole hill and i should just ignore them. Even tho i dont go to his parent's house, the send messages via our children, my husband informs me of conversations he and his parents have about me, and they fone our home and office and are rude toward me and swear me and call me a "white bitch".

      I really feel their hatred towards me stems from jealousy and them not having my husband at their beck and call whenever they click their fingers, although to me, i feel my husband does more for them than for his own family. Sometimes due to our own family obligations my husband has to put their needs on hold until he is able to pay attention to them. They blame me for this and swear, curse and ridicule me.

      They also swear my husband and ridicule him that he is no good, does'nt know how to run a business properly.

      They are always demanding money from us, whether we have it to give or not. And if it is not given, once again, it is because of me, it is my doing and i am sworn.

      My marriage is on the verge of total destruction. At which point does a child put this "RESPECT" issue with the parents and stand up for what is right.

      Many a time i have got so angry within my heart for them and wish i could just shout back at them and tell them where to get off. But i just keep quiet and stay away.

      His parents have been for Hadj, Umrah and read 5x Nemaaz. But i think their actions towards me serves no respect to Islam and to me and my husband and our children.

      Slms.

      • Saabirah, I suggest you give your husband an ultimatum: either he moves the family (meaning himself, you and your children) away from his parents, i.e. to another city; or you will take your children and divorce him. What concerns me most of all are the threats of violence. Such threats are unacceptable and should be taken seriously. You need to get out of that environment right away.

        If you need further advice, please log in and write your question as a separate post. Thanks.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. first i agree the mummys boys are the worsrt especially if theyre the only son :(

    but as one sister said talk to them about being a man

    and wael has giving the greatest advice with that passage it should be one to be noted

    stay strong and try explaining to her divorce for no valid reason is a big sin

  7. Assalam-Alekum,

    @Original Poster: Sister, I think you should not worry about any thing, your husband is standing for you. I think you are worried that your mother in law is asking him to divorce you. But I think he is a sensible man and instead of being rude to her mother or throwing her out. He is simply trying to balance things by trying to convince her that what she is asking is wrong. Sister, she is his mother, and he cannot throw her away, or cannot kick her or leave her. Therefore he is trying to talk to her what else do you want him to do. In my humble opinion, your husband is doing the best he can while balancing between his mother's demands and his wife. Give some credit to this man.

    Sister you feel insecure here(and you are right to feel that), but I think you should talk to your husband that what his mother is saying is wrong, I think he also understands this but you should tell him that its difficult for you to be in this insecurity so he should ask his mother to leave this matter as brother Wael has said.

    @To all the repliers with 'mummy boy' phrase in their comment, have some decency to recognize problems of a muslim husband. He cannot throw his mother out or beat her or be rude to her. From your comments to me it looks like that a 'REAL MAN' for you, is someone who neglects her mother totally(better yet throw her out) and listens to everything what her wife says. SubhanAllah. May Allah have mercy on this Ummah.

    Sisters I hope that you have some guarantee from your own children. And they don't become 'REAL MEN' once they get married. Your definition of real man is totally wrong a real man is one who balances between his mother and wife. He tries to make them both happy. He does not take away rights of his wife nor he takes away rights of his mother. Yes, its mind boggling, it looks impossible to do but for a good muslim man that is one of the toughest part of the marriage. Either his wife and mother can make his life a living hell by blaming him to be a 'mummy's boy' or 'wife's servant' or they can make his life easy by cooperating with him. So, sisters try to help your husband find jannah instead of guaranteeing him hell in this world or hereafter. (On a lighter note I am thinking: woman do really control a man's world :-) )

    And yes! Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w.) is no doubt the last and final messenger from Allah(s.w.t). He said it 1400 years ago.

    'Ali ibn Abi Talib said, "The Prophet said: 'If my Ummah bears fifteen traits, tribulation will befall it.' Someone asked, 'What are they, O Messenger of Allah?' He said, 'When any gain is shared out only among the rich, with no benefit to the poor; when a trust becomes a means of making a profit; when paying Zakat becomes a burden; when a man obeys his wife and disobeys his mother; and treats his friend kindly whilst shunning his father; when voices are raised in the mosques; when the leader of a people is the worst of them; when people treat a man with respect because they fear some evil he may do; when much wine is drunk; when men wear silk; when female singers and musical instruments become popular; when the last ones of this Ummah curse the first ones - then let them expect a red wind, or the earth to swallow them, or to be transformed into animals.' " [at-Tirmidhi]

    regards,

  8. Salam,

    I am currently in a similar situation, not only do I have the mother in law to deal with but alos the father in law and the sisters. I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks about 6 months ago now. The next day barely 24 hours had passed and she accused me of faking a miasscariiage and pregnanancy. She was verbally abusive and almost hit me. She constantly acuuses me of marrying her osn for money. Over the last 3 years of my marriage she has constantly abused me. My father in law also abuses me he swears at my familly all the time questions my upbringing and even who my mum slept with to bring me in the world. He barges into my bedroom at night when his son is not at home to check if am at home and various other things. My husband is a mumys boy. he left me to dela with the miscarriage alone i was sent packing to my mums later they sent my things in black bin bags. I was bleeding heavilly after the miscarriage and almost died my husband was too worried about his parents leaving his house if he supports me. Now they want him to divorce me...............Am just a woman what can i do or say i feel so lost often wonder is there any justice in this world and why am i being put through all this........

    • its ok allah is with you, i got married about six months ago.....and since then my mother in law made my life hell and my husband is totally in her hands she fakes sickness and anxiety.....she black mails him emotionally....ive been sent home right after honeymoon....because she interfered in our fight and made it huge and verbally abused so i understand what u must have gone through....then a month after that she got another fit n abused verbally......about six days ago she got another fit n abused n yelled for two hours non stop.....and could have gotten physical too...so i left the house n now im at parents......such men have no conscience......they will always stand by their mothers because they r cowards...leave your self to allah and do not worry so much allah will bring a much better man into ur life......also such women are only booking a place for themselves in hell as who ever breaks a marriage is never forgiven........
      so you r not alone out there we all are going through it....
      such women cant let go off their sons because they are psychopaths! u should feel sorry for him and his mother and move on

  9. It is not about being a mommy's boy or treating the mother in an un-Islamic way. Toxic in-laws, as I

    mentioned before, involves all kinds of problematic in-lawsrelationships and is a very good book.

    Sometimes being non-defensive helps a lot, it makes you powerful as a person. But without boundaries,

    no family unit can survive. Respecting the mother to me is more Islamic than obedience. I think it is

    totally obsolete having to obey your parents as a married adult. It creates unhealthy family relations.

    Why can moms in the Middle East get away with everything? If my mom says something negative

    about my husband, I forbid it immediately and tell her not to talk badly about him in front of me.

    If my mother would feel insulted, then she would be oversensitive or using emotional blackmail.

    There is nothing offensive in defending your partner without using swearwords and being friendly and

    calm

  10. I am going through a situation in which when it came down to it, he said he would choose his mother over me. he told me that Allah will be mad at him if he angers his mother, so he chooses her over me, and tells me I should say yes to everything she says, even if she yells, just to keep her happy and that I have to obey her and follow her ways to keep the family peace.

    I feel that it is bordering Idol worship, and that his mother can emotionally black mail him to get her way. I should not treat my mother-in-law like Allah,

    I am feeling betrayed, confused, and lost as a new muslim

    emotionally it's very difficult, because I always have to worry what I say and do so my husband does not become angry with me, when his mother wasn't here it wasn't this way.

    emotionally I feel like he could divorce me any minute if I do not please his mother just right

    I became a muslim because I believe there is no God but God, the one true god, I did not become a muslim to live to devote my life to his mother's happiness, if I can make her happy that is a plus, but it is not my life devotion, that would be haram

    how do I overcome these feelings, what are my rights when it comes to a visiting mother-in-law?

  11. whats the punishment for ...

    (Remainder of question deleted by Editor)

    • Kareema, Asalaamualaykum,

      Your question is a very good one. But please log in and and submit your question as a separate post.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  12. My inlaws esp.my sis in law and mother inlaw r trying to destroy my home.. Today my mother inlaw hit me with the shoes and said bad words

    Its 4 yrs.i m married with 2 childern. I tried my best to stayin the family despite i was not allowed to meet my family for 2yrs.during this i would meet my parent hiddenly as i did job and i couldn't properly see and take care of my mother who was bed ridden due to brain hamerage...my dad and sister managed all this alone w/o letting my home being disturbed...

    my father looked after my childern while i worked... but all my good doing to my inlaws went into water with no appreciation.

    I am so down today i don't want to return to my home... i m afraid my husband will hit or ignore his childern cz. of the fights with his family...

    i don't know what islam say about it..i m really tired of listening to false allegation, listening to things i have not done or committed...

    what to do? pls.anyone guide... my husband despite all knowings want me to stay with them...why? don't i have any right nor my childern??? why my husband doesn't fulfil the my right of securing me (from getting hit, bad language) or me give me dignity? he tries to talkto his family but all in vain...still i am the accussed and abused one... someday i think they win and destroy my home...

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