IslamicAnswers.com: Islamic Advice

Question:

AssalamuAlaikum,

Dear Wael,

Can you please set me up with one of your counselors, I need help.
I'm 21 years old, we are 7 brothers and sisters, I’ve faced emotional abuse for my whole life, my mother wanted to have a son first and I was born. I’m the oldest; she hates me since that day. She taunts m,  curses me and keeps telling me to die, she keeps saying that I should have died at birth as it would have been good for all of us, and that I’m the worst thing that ever happened to her, she says I will never have a normal life and I will live painfully for who I am.

Due to all this abuse and lack of love and support in my family I started looking for care elsewhere. I started a relationship with a boy thinking that his love was all I needed, but he just used me for sex and I broke up with him because I felt like a whore, my life has been falling apart ever since. I cannot live a normal healthy life due to all the thoughts planted by my mother, I want love and care and the more I look for it the more disappointment I get. I have never drank, or done drugs but I’ve committed zina with that boy thinking it will get me love and peace, I’m mentally disturbed and I need professional help.

My mother wants to marry me without my consent because she thinks that’s a good way of getting rid of me, she doesn’t let me talk to anyone, not friends or anyone and ‘ let me go out of  the house.  She doesn’t want me to study because she thinks that will make me rebellious.  Because of this dead end life I've started inflicting physical pain on myself, the sight of blood soothes me, and I’ve even started smoking. Even if i try my hardest I can’t think of a single good attribute in me, or any purpose of my existence except pain and misery. I  am guilty I want forgiveness, but will ALLAH forgive me?

I was born by my mother and how can she not love me?
I see around me so many mothers who love their kids to distraction I feel like I’m physically handicapped, I’m mentally negative all the time which hampers anything constructive or positive I try to do, my mother keeps telling me this too, she keeps telling me to die and I say ameen because everyone life would be much easier if I weren't here. I need help I need guidance, I want to be happy and satisfied with who I am.

I keep thinking about my past, I  can’t get over it.
In my society it’s very common to treat daughters the way I’m being treated, emotional and physical abuse are considered as the right way to keep daughters in their limits. I don’t want to end up a car crash.
My life is falling apart, please help me, please,
I have tried talking to my mother and explaining her my thoughts, she won’t let me see a psychiatrist because she thinks that if someone came to know I’d be humiliation to my family and no one would marry me.

I love studying i want to be a lawyer but she won’t let me study, and I don’t have the financial means to support myself, My father was the only one person who cared for me and talked to me with love, but he lives in another country and I only get to see him a month every year.
How can i get better?
I need a miracle.
Please pray for me, please help me, I need support.
I have faced all my mistakes and weaknesses, I need to get over them now. I don’t want any more depression, I’m tired of hurting and crying, I see no way out!
I need to purify my heart.
Help me please!

Help me please.

- taniz

Leyla's Answer:

Salaam my sister,

I am sorry for this pain that you are experiencing and I want you to know that there is a solution to this, and there is a way out.

When a mother gives birth to her baby, normally they bond with each other. This bonding process is called "attachment". This is important for the child's survival and development, and also important for the mother to have this bond with her baby. Sometimes, due to psychological reasons with the mother - the attachment doesn't happen. This is called "attachment disorder" and it occurs when the mother rejects her baby. The disorder comes from the mother - the child, a newborn to the world, has no responsiblity over this whatsoever.

The relationship you have with your mother could be the effects of an attachment disorder. She never bonded with you as a baby, and this relationship has developed as a result of it. It is not because you are not a boy, or because you are x, y or z but because of this attachment disorder. The problem is with her and not you - so the first thing I would like for you to acknowledge is that you have no responsiblity over your mother's actions and words towards you. She needs help. She needed it when you were small and she needs it now, and the emotional abuse that is coming from is more evidence that she may be psychologically disordered in some way.

If you are in the UK, counselling is available for free through your GP. You must get it out of your head that you need your mother's permission to do this - you don't. This is about saving your life, your future and you rmentality and you do not need your mothers permission to see a counsellor. When we have been emotionally abused throughout childhood, we develop our own disorders as we internalise the critical voice of our abusers and become a silent abusive parent to ourselves, constantly telling ourselves that we no not deserve a good life. This mentality leads us to seek out and find situations which reinforce our feelings of worthlessness, and this is why destructive relationships with members of the opposite sex, dependencies (such as cigarettes and alcohol) and self harming start to arise. Solving this self-defeating thought process and pain is vital for you recovery and potential for a future ahead of you.

It is it not that your feelings of worthlessness are accurate that you have found yourself in these situations, but rather - because you feel in yourself that you are worthless, you are as a result of those feelings attracted to situations which reinforce that belief. You do not need to suffer at the hands of the past, it is clear that you are repentant and powerfully desiring a better future.

In sincere repentance, a strong desire to reverse the destruction and build yourself a good clean life, character and thought process is a very real possibility and a blessing from Allah, to have that will and that need to change - this is a big blessing indeed, mashaAllah. Please recognise that, and know that Allah is forgiving, Most Merciful.

The time has come to stop punishing yourself and start believing that you are worthy of love and life. You were created, and written and there can be many great things in your future. With strong faith in your heart, and determination - Sister, a happy life, full of love is possible. I want you to really believe that.

There are many solutions to questions of study, funding for study (google :"grants for study" and "scholarships"), marriage and everything else - all of these problems can besolved with a strong healthy mind and will and a belief and a realisation that you are not a prisoner in that home. The door is open, the world is out there - no one has any real power over you - no power to stop you or force you or any of those things. The power that is held over you is psychological and there is a way out, a way forward and a route to healing.

See your GP as soon as you can. Explain to them what you are experiencing, explain to them that you need help and inshaAllah they will put you in front of a counsellor straight away. In the meantime, if the GP is not able to get you a counsellor soon enough, I would recommend the Muslim Youth Helpline 0207 435 8171 who have telephone counsellors that you can speak to.

Peace,

Leyla
IslamicAnswers.com Editor