Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My girlfriend is engaged to someone else to save her parents pride

broken chain %photoSalaam,

I'm from a sikh family but I have quietly converted to Islam. My girlfriend is a muslim (memon), we met 4 years ago, we are madly in love. She never said much but naturally after studying religions, I started following Islam, but not everyone knows. I was an atheist before, I was not following any religion.

She spoke to her parents about me, and I met her parents, her mom told me everything is fine, but we would accept you only when your mother agrees to your conversion.

My father had just expired a few months back, im the only child, and my mother had only me. He died at 54 suffering from cancer, it was terrible. I explained to her mother, I said it will take time, but im sure she would agree, as it is a little difficult because i cant hurt her right away, because of my father, and she is very religious.

I asked them for time, time passed by, her mom asked me once or twice after that, i said i need little time, suddenly they engaged her to someone, but for me she broke her engagement, and her parents got mad at her, she stood by me, her parents were only worried about their reputation. After this i spoke to my mom as i felt that they are trying to take her away from me, my mom agreed, but now, they were against me, no matter what i did, because that guy with whom she broke the engagement, spread the news that she is seeing a kafir, not knowing that I follow islam.

Its just that i have not legally changed everything, her parents were worried that who will marry her now, whole of the memon community knows about this now, one of her cousin shows up, and proposes for marriage, her mom cries and begs to her and she's engaged again, because her mother is a heart patient as well as diabetic, so just to shut the previous guys mouth, they engaged her to this guy.

I want to marry her she wants to marry me, and i want to convert legally and have a happy life. My mom would allow and understand legal conversion only when i get married to this girl, we are going through a very bad time, we cant leave each other. Once she wanted to get a court marriage done, but i said no because i cared for her parents and she has a younger sister too. I always wanted to marry her with her parents being happy about it, i just took time to convince my mother.

If i cant marry her, i wouldn't be able to practice islam the way i would when we would be together and everyone would know, that i have legally converted, and she would support me and i would learn more, other wise i would just go through depression.

Im really tensed, if i was not able to phrase the situation correctly, forgive me, what should we do, please advice,

Thank you
Allah-hafiz

- simogd


Tagged as: , , , , , ,

17 Responses »

  1. Salamualaikum brother,
    Congratulation for converting to Islam. Inshallah u will keep on practicing, and become a better Muslim.
    Sorry to hear that u r goin thru tis, for it is a test from Allah, to see wat u will do, and how u will react. Since her parents do not like u anymore and now ur grl is engaged, I would say, that u should try and forget her. I don't thnk u want her reputation to get bad, for everyone will blame her and not u. Am pretty sure u will fnd someone else, and Allah has someone better for u. For now take care of ur mom and practice ur religion. Inshallah u will b makin the right decisions.

  2. Dear Simogd:

    First of all I congratulate you for entering into the fold of Islam. Indeed it is the greatest blessing you have received from Allah, because the blessing of faith is the only means that can save a human soul from a life of eternal regret and eternal damnation in Fire.

    If anyone commit at action without thinking before what it will lead into and then discovers himself or herself in a troubling situation, like the one you have presented above, 99% of the time there will be no solution of that situation that will make everyone involved happy. This sad but true fact makes giving advice most difficult.

    Although you cannot make everyone happy, being a Muslim you should now make sure that your actions please Allah. Being a Muslim, you should realize that the relationship you have enjoyed with this girl for four years was unlawful. Except for married couples, Islam completely forbids any sort of intimate relationships, both physical and emotional, between couples. Shaytan, the devil and the open enemy of humankind, is the matchmaker of such out of wedlock relationship, and thus such relationship is devoid of divine blessing. Whether you perceive it or not, the basis and fuel of such relationship are lust and desire, two great weapons of Shaytan. From such relationship, it is therefore impossible to discern if you are 'madly in love' with the girl. Before you do anything else, your first step should be sincerely repenting to Allah for all that has happened and keeping away from the girl unless you can marry her following proper Islamic marriage protocol.

    Since your parents are from Asian background, I am assuming that you are not unfamiliar of fierce parental objections towards love marriage, inter-racial marriage, and inter-religious marriage due to cultural and religious reasons. I understand the objection of your girl friend's family towards this marriage, but it is unfortunate that they are objecting it for worldly reasons like familial reputation. It is also unfortunate that they are now spreading rumors about you. I am not questioning your conviction about Islam, but I would say that you have given them a chance, may be it is little, to make false accusations about you by not establishing you as a Muslim, both legally and practically. Islam is a very practical religion. When someone accepts Islam, he or she not only attests the oneness of Allah and the prophet-hood of Muhammad (pbuh) in the heart; he or she announces that attestation by changing their legal status like name and religious affiliation in official documents and practically manifests that attestation by observing prayers, fasting, giving charity, doing hajj and performing other Islamic rituals.

    I would say announce your acceptance of Islam publicly (let it know among your friends and change your religion in official documents). Start doing acts of worship and try to become a practical Muslim first before marrying a Muslim girl. As for marrying your current girl friend, try to communicate with her parents. If you can convince her parents peacefully and truly, you can do nikah with her. If you can't settle these objections, it would be better both for you and your girl friend to forget each other. Remember, love and tranquility in married life comes from Allah, not from pre-marital love affairs.

  3. Brother, it's wonderful that you have accepted Islam and it's a move that will help you throughout your life, and in the next life as well.

    I also want to say that I am sorry to hear about your father and the way he died, I am sure that was very hard on you. May Allah comfort you and ease your heart.

    However, as far as this girl, I think you blew your opportunity, and you should accept that and move on.

    In the beginning you did everything right. You met with the girl's parents, and they approved of you, on the condition that you be honest with your mother about your conversion. That was a reasonable request. They wanted to know that you were for real, not just playing games, and also they wanted your mom to be involved and informed. That's all very reasonable.

    You asked for more time. Okay. So time passed, and the girl's mother asked you again and again, and each time you said you need more time.

    What do you imagine was going through the girl's parents' minds by that time? I can tell you. They were thinking that you are not for real, you're not serious, and that maybe your conversion to Islam was not sincere. So they engaged their daughter to someone else. Honestly, I would have done the same in their place.

    Then you finally told your mom, and she agreed, but brother that's like shutting the barn door after the horse has fled. It was too late at that point.

    You can say that her parents are worried about their image, or this or that, but you cannot deny that initially they approved of you, and they only changed their minds after your repeated delays. I think you must take responsibility for this situation and admit that you lost this chance.

    You say that you cannot practice Islam properly unless you marry this girl. That's not true, brother. There are many good Muslim women out there who can be good partners to you.

    If your conversion to Islam is sincere (and I am sure it is), then respect and accept the girl's parents' decision. Separate yourself from this girl, let time go by, get involved in the Muslim community, attend the masjid, and in time you will meet someone else Insha'Allah.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Salaam Simogd. Sounds like you've had a tough time lately.Unforunately, I am not religious enough for a religious perspective to my answer but your situation is familiar. Where does your (ex?)girlfriend fit into all of this? You have said a lot about how you feel and what you want but what does she want? Whilst she was not happy about the first engagement and willing put an end to that for you, if she is not speaking up for another time, is she perhaps happy with this man? Whilst you may still want her, maybe she's moved on...
    I know that sounds harsh and I'm sorry for that but you have to consider your options here. To think you can't practise Islam without her in your life is Shaytan whispering sweet nothings to you. After all, people accepting the message of Islam is Shaytan's worst nightmare. You accepted Islam of your own free will and Allah will see you through the rough times. Have faith in that and all else will fall into place.
    I hope things work out for you.

    Wassalam.

  5. Dear brother simogd,

    welcome to islam. inshallah you will find peace of heart and mind now. i understand your difficult situation. now that you have finally had the yes from your mom ,its gone wrong on the other side. i think it was very brave of you to speak to your mom knowing that she is also religious in her beliefs and that you are her only son. good of your mom to respect your decision.

    do you think it will be possible for this girl to spaek to person she is engaged to that this engagement is against her wishes and that she would like to call it off . she doesnt really have to mention you in the picture but the whole community knows about it anyway. and once it is called off ( which will create a lot of turmoil) then you have chance. rememeber she is engaged not married. engagement has no standing in Islam. sothis other boy also is a namahram to her like you are.

    i know a girl who wanted to marry someone she knew, she was engaged to someelse before she met this guy, she spoke to her parents who agreed initially but but then mom backed off and forced her into a formal engagement,saying she will never forgive her if she disobey her and was touching her feet to submit to her wishes. any way this girl then was forced into a nikah instead of engagement as planned . this girl spoke to several family memebers on both sides but nobody listen to her, eventually this boys brother agreed to speak to family of his and finally this nikah ended in divorce and she got married to the person she wanted to. all of this could have been avoided in the first place.

    islam gives a woman and man the right to marry who they want provided they are muslim. its important that girls points out to her family that this engaement is angainst her wishes. give this issue soem more time but dont cross the limits that Allah has laid for us. otherwise it will all become very messy.

    May Allah make it easy for you and for her.

  6. Mmm, if you were a atheist to begin with, then why would your mom have a problem with you accepting islam, I mean surely she would be happy to see you believing in something at least, especially if she is really religious herself.
    Anyhow putting all that aside, i seriously dont understand the fact why you havent legalized everything, i mean what are you waiting for ? considering that is one of the main reasons your situation didnt work out, and to be honest i really dont blame the parents, they seem like nice people at least they give you a chance (which btw is VERY rare).
    And the girl loves her parents just like you love your mother, she gave into the engagement, because her mom is ill and she doesnt want to hurt her, just like you needed time with your mom, because you didnt want to hurt her.
    And why do you say you cant fully practice islam without her ?? all you need is the love of Allah (swt) and his beloved prophet (P.b.u.h), your sole purpose should be to please Allah (swt), no where does it say to practice islam you need a partner to help you or something, and why are you waiting to get married to her and then tell everyone you converted, this all is so confusing.
    Am sorry if am wrong buh i think you converted for the wrong reasons, if you did it for the love of Allah (swt) & his beloved prophet (p.b.u.h) then you should no what your doing now is haram, being in love and all.
    I just hope you realise the real purpose of being a muslim, And get your priorities straight, and understand the fact that everything happens for the best, so maybe this is Allah (swt) way of telling you to move on.

    Am sorry if anything i said hurt or upset you, i was just wanted to clarify a couple of things, which confused me.

    x

  7. Aslamoalaikum

    If you have really converted to Islam without her and you truly believe that you will practice islam even if you don't have her then you have entered in islam. Cuz alot of people convert only to marry which is not acceptable. Conversion is only for allah and allah only.

    Secondly Assuming that you are a muslim. I will have to tell you one thing, This life is no bollywood movie that you are living in. Marry her in court, Islam does not give them permission to stop there daughter. Take her and run away, Give her a good life.

    Ofcourse theyll cry and wine for couple of months but when they see that she is happy, they will accept the truth. There is such thing as denial of truth and only time teaches us to face the truth and time will teach them to face the truth to.

    You are a muslim and there is nothing wrong with what i said, BUT I really hope that you havent converted to marry her but you truly believe in teachings of allah and are willing to stick by it for the rest of your life even if you get her or not. Cuz there is nothing selfish then converting and lying in a way only to get married and you will eventually end up paying for it.

    So before doing what i told you to do make sure your a true muslim by heart

  8. AslamAlikom brother first of all I have to say congratulate to converted in Aslam.
    Brother I can realize you very well because your story is exactly the same as my story hopefully every people are know weather the girl and boy they are happy the father and mother will be happy in the future.

  9. oh my God!i loved ur love story....i mean it touched my heart..i know when u r truly in love u cnt even imagine the idea of ur soulmate being separated from u...u r MASHALLAH so strong n brave that u have copme so far...n please dont let her go away,she wont be happy without u at all....u have done so mch for her and for ur love just hang in there n pray to ALLAH SUBHANTALLAH He can make anything right...anything...u knw it is an azmaish for u...ALLAH TALAH says in Quran:har mushkil kay baad asani hae (translated) meaning that every after every difficult time there is a relief....so just have faith believe IN ALLAH...n u knw society n everythng this wont give u happiness neither her..so plz dont leave her n if ur gf is reading this i request u to please do something and leave that other guy becoz u wont be able to live with ur self for the rest of ur life....i knw it is very easy to say than doing it..but trust me dear i know how hard these things are especially in our society..but have patience.....ALLAH rewards those who are patient...n let me tell me u ,marriage is only n only ur decision according to islam...so please be very careful...in the end best of luck to both u guys!

  10. Dear brother,

    Masha'Allah, welcome. Your story is very touching.

    Marriage is half of Iman (faith), which is true and why I understand the reason you want to marry her to further your Islamic faith. Have you tried talking to her family in person upon hearing the cousin's proposal?

    It seems this may be a heart ache for both of you, and not just you.. but her family if she refuses. I recommend taking time to think and if her family still refuses, I would realize that maybe Allah (SWT) has put someone else in my destiny. There may be someone as good or even better than her, and one whose family will accept you. Insha'Allah.

  11. its good that we are stepping in to a age where we are more concerned of what we want does not matter how yes if u are happy then just try to convience and do whatsoever her mother wants just feel proud that you have got the best mother on earth who allows u to do whatever u want.

  12. hey u know what i have same probleam and i m also love with a memon girl...i m muslim a practicing muslim...but still her mother is refusing coz she is not geting istakra right....my parents even took my proposel to her parents...but her parents still not granting the permission....GOD KNOWS WHATS WRONG WITH MEMON COMMUNITY.....THEY ALWAYZ PREFER MEMONS MORE....BUT ISLAM IS AGINST ALL SECTS.....BUT DUNO WHATS WRONG...

    • Same here. Practicing muslim in love with a memon girl for over a year. She told me she'd do anything for me, then up came a proposal for her out of the blue from a rich memon family, i sent my parents toher place as well, and there was a madness for a month. It ended with her accepting the memon for the family respect and thereafter she stopped talking to me. I have yet to completely move on

  13. Salam Alaikum !!! ( Peace be upon u!!)

    My brother !
    be strong, i love u and Allah loves the believers.

    I really wish u come out of your problems , Ill pray for you
    take care
    Allah hafiz

  14. Brother,

    I hope you have faired better than I when it comes to marrying a memon and being a non-memon. I was with a memon girl for almost two year. We had a physical relationship (no sex though) and both of us wanted to get married to each other. Her mom opposed my non-memon credentials from the get-go. I took another job and couldn't see the girl everyday and next thing you know is it all collapsed....I went and proposed to her mom, actually begged her.....my mom proposed, my elder sister proposed........the mom was clear in saying nothing had happened and that she can't have her marry outside the memon/gujrati community as their inheritance will be on the line.....her dad is passed away and her pious muslim uncles dont want to pass on the wealth.

    My brother, my friend....i hope and pray to Allah that you and her get married....unfortunately these memons only value money and social status....the girl might not share these materialistic beliefs but her family does....let me assure you of that.....if you are super rich they will let their daughter marry you even if you are Sikh......otherwise the rest are all stories......trust me memons are kings of finding excuses of not honoring their commitments!

    Brother, welcome to Islam......you are a brother to me.....but to not to a memon....they worship money unfortunately.

Leave a Response