Islamic marriage advice and family advice

The boy I love lost his virginity to someone else

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Salaam. I've just joined this site and I was wondering if I could get any advice.

I'm 19 years old and my best friend who is a male is the same age as me. We have a good friendship - no physical contact. We both wish to marry INSHALLAH in the coming years when we are of suitable age. I've known him for three years, and we mean a lot to each other.

Before he told me that he was a virgin, and I said okay. Today he's telling me that he's so sorry he lied to me but he sort of lost it to his ex-girlfriend. I'm devestated, I feel heart broken but I think I love him.

When we talk, and he first told me how he wanted to marry me I was so relieved as I felt the same, so we're waiting for the right age to get married. He is very sorry for what he has done and has apologised so many times to me today.

He is also now a quite good muslim - in his past he was not. Since I've met him, I myself have become a better muslim (I've started to pray all my prayers and am striving to achieve more) He has done many dua's for us to get married and I can tell he cares for me a lot, almost love?

I'm just so devestated right now. I've been crying for the past 2hours since I've been told; I've prayed and done dua for patience (I'm impatient) and asked for guidance to the right way. I have myself done dua's for us to be together if that's what Allah wishes for us to happen, as Allah knows best.

I mean so much to him - he has only one older brother as his two sisters passed away at very young ages. He's been through so much and I'm one of the people he loves. We've gone through so much. He's the only guy I speak to. I've never been in a relationship as it's wrong and I'm totally against it. He promised me his virginity and has apologised for lying to me as it's lost (he's not sure if it's lost or not)?

I just don't know what to do. I want to forgive him as he forgave me for my lie so it's only fair. I get hurt so easily. What can I do? Is there something I can read for patience, happiness, and strength. I don't want to leave him and move on from him as I still want to get married to him, and we both have strong feelings for each other, which we think will develop.

How can I forget this, and move on from what he's told me? Is there something I can read to help it go away? He hates and regrets what he's done so much.

Please give me some advice on this. I don't want to leave him, but how can I overcome the pain?

Shukar Allah brothers and sisters!

~SisterInNeed


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8 Responses »

  1. Assalamu Alaykum, Sister

    There are good things and bad things in your post.

    The best thing is that you are both becoming better Muslims. It is true that no one is a perfect Muslim. We have have trials and failures, along with successes and growth. The you and he have been able to become better Muslims because of each other is an example of how Allah can take the mischief of Shaytan and flip it to glorify Him. Alhumdulillah. That does not mean what you have done is in any way halal. It is not!

    Now for the bad. There is no such thing as unsupervised man/woman friendship in Islam. If he is your "best friend", then there is something wrong. Affection and attraction is a natural part of life. it is a wonderful gift from Allah. However, there are so many dangers associated with it that Allah was wise enough to give us guidance on how men and women are to properly interact to avoid these dangers. I know this may sound harsh, but you cannot see this man without proper supervision.

    As you can see from this man's experience, even those who are Muslim and trying to follow the will of Allah (swt) can fall into zina. The fact that he had a girlfriend before and committed zina has, apparently, devastated you. You can see why Allah (swt) set up His guidance and rules. The pain you are feeling is great. And your ability to trust him will be impacted.

    Now imagine if you and he are tempted by Shaytan and fall into zina. You are already close based on your post. When I read it I get a feeling of great affection between you two. You may say that you will never commit zina with him, but you are already violating the will of Allah (swt) by having this close relationship/friendship with him. so it is possible you may be tempted further, and succumb to Shaytan's whispers. Many before you have. It is not a joke.

    And let me tell you from my experience, this will only lead to suffering. Before I reverted to Islam, I lived a less than honorable life. I strayed off the easy path Allah had set out for me. It was filled with pain, humiliation, degradation, and tears. It can make your heart hardened to others, and make your life a greater struggle. Live to please Allah (swt), and you will not regret it. What will you miss? Committing zina with someone you are not married to, leading to more of the pain you are experiencing now? I think you know the answer.

    Here is a suggestion for how to procede.

    Print the entire post out, along with all the responses you receive over the next few days, and give it to your friend. Or better yet, email a link to your post to him. You should really not have haram contact, so this is best.

    Your friend should approach your wali (your father? older brother?, not sure who it is in your case), and express his interest in being considered a candidate for marriage to you. Have him do this in a very respectful, honest, and gentlemanly manner. It does not mean that you get married immediately. He can request to meet with you in supervised situations and continue to evaluate your compatibility for marriage for the time being.

    Have him get to know your family, so they are comfortable with him. There is a saying, "Love is blind". What that really means is that infatuation is blind. They may see things in him that you do not because of your infatuation. Consider what they say. They are looking out for your best interests.

    Have him also get to know you in a proper fashion. There may be things about him that you find you did not when unsupervised. You may see more of how he treats others. Does he treat them as he treats you? This view of how he interacts with others will help you to see more into his character. He may be nice to you one-on-one, but treat others poorly. When he is on his best behavior, he should be the same core person that he was before. If he is not, then that is a sign of a possible problem.

    The timing on this is up to you, but I suggest that if you and he are committed and want to have a life together, waiting too long is not needed. Do things correctly, in a halal way, and you may find that you are happily married sooner than you imagined. Do things in a haram way, and a few years from now you may be the one trying to explain to their potential spouse that they are not a virgin.

    Also, a point about the pain you and he are feeling. This is a gift from Allah (swt)! While you did not say this in your post, I assume your friend has asked Allah for forgiveness and resolved never to commit zina again. And that gets him right with Allah (swt). However, Allah also provides a constant reminder of such an error by the devastating pain he is feeling for doing it, and you are feeling by his disclosure. This is His way of helping you not to repeat (for your friend) or never to commit (for you) such an act.

    About the pain. Allah (swt) is so wise. He created pain for us so we know to avoid something. Your finger hurts when you burn it, just as your heart hurts as a result of a haram act. It is really the same. Allah (swt) has many ways to keep us on the right path. The pain you and your friend feel is one of these ways. Use this pain to aid in your resolve never to listen to Shaytan when he comes calling.

    Regarding forgetting this, you cannot ever forget it. Only you with guidance from Allah (swt) can move past it. You can forgive him for this. Allah (swt) has the potential to forgive us for much greater failures if we ask with true repentance.

    No matter what you do, if your procede in a halal fashion, my sister, you will be assured that the path will be easier for you.

    American Muslim
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  2. Salam sister...
    I want to give a response, and I hope it benefits you..

    Well, he sounds like one of those typical guys who well.. sadly to say should not be 100% trusted.. Sister, we all love you, and care for you. What you're doing, is not just wrong, but it's Dangerous. Alhamdulillah, you are striving to be a better Muslimah, but I'm scared this guy will bring you in the opposite direction..

    Sister, some guy would say almost Anything to get a girl. Maybe some are Genuinely pure, and when they say they want to marry you, they 100 % mean it, but some guys will say that because they Know that is the Only way they will get you to talk, to them, to entertain and love and care for them..

    If this guy is serious, he should talk to your parents.. Otherwise it will just be another case of a guy promising endless promises to a girl, wooing her in the process, but at the end, they didn't get married.. they guy did Not fulfill the promise, leaving the girl in depression and of course misery. I dont want this to happen to you. Girls tend to get So emotional about love, and guys, and I dont want you to get hurt.

    Again if he is 100% serious, ask him to talk to your parents ASAP. if not, then you should stop contacting him for it will only bring you sadness... plus the sins you are doing. Yes i know you do not have physical contacts, but what about those phone calls? those chatting sessions? those lovey dovey words? those talks? all those are sin..

    Love is Beautiful my sister.. Very beautiful. Hope you find it in the Right way..

    As for him commiting zina, you should forgive him, but should have him screen for any STD diseases if you plan to marry him. Did he regret his acts? and ask him this? Does he Know what he's doing with you is haram as well?

    I wish you all the best my sister :)

    • Thank you for your help sister - I understand this and I know it will be hard but I will try.

      How do I delete this post now? As I have only realised how public this is :|

  3. Don't marry him sorry if his virginity is effecting you find someone else this wont go away. You wont forget or forgive him and i don't think that is fair if you hold that against him. Find someone else because you have a right to be with someone who is in the same boat as you. Also this guy seems like a player to me got you close then the true colors came out i don't think you should trust him, get your family to find you someone else. At end you wont be happy so marriage is a lifetime not days so think i through.

  4. Assalamu Alaykum, SisterInNeed

    I totally endorse the advise given to you by AmericanMuslim. It is quite comprehensive that covers islamic teachings and the practical aspect, especially what he mentioned in Para 10 "Your friend should approach your wali ......".

    Additionally, you should sat down lonely and think about his attitude, level of loyality and sincerity as well as the level of intensity of his love and care for you, and above all, as to whether you can live without him. Test of suitability and love & care can be best done by your parents, since you are passing through the period of affinity with him in which his mistakes or wrong attitude can be overlooked very easily, and people tend to justify the mistakes, wrongdoings of his partner, as the case under subject.

    Further, as his act falls under the major sins category as per the Islamic teachings, therefore, i would also like to quote here a quranic verse which should also be taken into account in making a right decision:-

    Quote:-
    The fornicator does not marry except a [female] fornicator or polytheist, and none marries her except a fornicator or a polytheist, and that has been made unlawful to the believers.
    24:03
    Un-quote:

    Better for you is to avoid him, but if you think it would be better for you to have him as a life partner, then you have to forget his past which at times, tend to disturb peoples rountine life in hard times.

    Thorough investigation should also be done to know as to whether he has told you the truth of committing this wrong act only once to his ex-girl friend or has more of these instances with more than one girl friends.

    Once this investigation is finished, input from the parents is taken, and if all things go in a right way, and it was established that the act was done mistakenly for which he now repents from his heart and has turned to Allah (SWT) and has promised never to repeat this in future, and would remain loyal to you, and from the deep of your heart, you also feel to forgive him, only then he may be considered for marriage which should not b delayed. Or else be seperated to avoid committing haraam deeds.

    Hope it helps..

  5. Salam sisterInNeed,
    InshaAllah, you are doing well :)

    First of all the title on your post, 'the boy I love...'

    Boyfriend and girlfriend is forbiden and is one of the major sin in Islam. Anyone in it, MUST refrain from it immedaitely.

    Now, after reading your whole post, my kind advise to you is please break your contacts with him. Not because this brother has past or cannot be trusted. His past is past (regretted and repented) and he can be trusted again. Sister, what I am trying to say, your intention is to marry in coming years at a suitable age, based on your INTENTION I am saying to leave this unlawful relationship and move on piously in your life.

    Alhamdulillah, these 'past' three years you may not had any phyiscal contact but unknowingly sister, your are already feeling emotionally attached to him. Religiously and health wise this is not good for you. And it will get worse (fitnah: trust, arguments, suspision, becoming physical) if you don't marry him now.

    Finish your studies (suitable age?). And then think about marriag life, but if you can handle both now or you are willing to forgo one (say your studies) then please consider the individual's practise in Islam, character and his family. Having said all that, always remember, your wali plays also plays SIGNIFICANT role in your choice of marriage as their blessings often brings inner peace and harmony in marriage life- even if later you face ups and downs in marriage life.

    Sister, this is going to be hard task for you but you need to do this for yourself. Your feeling/emotion of love and care for the opposite marriagable gender, is only designed (and should be reserved) for your future husband, inshaAllah. Please, don't let the shaitan ruin it for you. Please put the sign of reserved in your heart again!

    You only have two good choices, either, become ready for marriage now and forget his past because he has left it behind and involve your family asap, OR forget this who whole thing as this may lead you and him to greater unlikable sins (as you are not ready for marriage now).

    May Allah (swt) makes this easy for you.

    Your sister, parveen.
    -x-
    Ps. If/ when you break it off with him, please tell him it was not because of his past but because your intention to marry is not right now.

  6. Hey if u love him ..,go for it ..cz i married a guy who was'nt a virgin n I knew dt before marrying...for sum reason it didn't bother me n i ws head over heals in love with him...I appreciated the fact dat he told me the truth about his past..n I trusted him afterwards...n he has been a gud husband to me so far m.a no1s perfect btw...he cud nt be virgin bt he cud be the best husband to u in the future...wt do u want?or else u cud leave him n find sum1else bt then day guy wudnt hv a past then remember u had...n its gonna be the same thing all around.....

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