How should I deal with my brother’s secret child?
Asalamwailaikum,
I have an issue that has been bugging me ever since I found out about it, and I dont know what to do.
My brother had premartial sex with his then girlfriend and got her pregnant. Now he has a daughter who is the age of 2. His girlfriend is Christian which means that he can marry her but he is no longer with her. Also he has been hiding this from my parents ever since it happened because he knows it would break their heart esp. my mothers. My mother is quite exceptionally religious and cultural as well. So this would be very shameful to her and not only that, my brother says he believes in Allah, but really doesn't show it. He has never shown that he is worried about his afterlife. He doesn't even want to acknowledge that this is a huge sin. Although, he is very much worried about how he will tell my mom , and he tells me he will tell her one day, (which I really dont want him to do because it will destroy her and I dont want him to destroy her).
I don't know how to act about it towards my brother, should I be supportive and accepting or be ignorant about it? I really do have a close relationship with my brother and I have always been on his side.
I really don't know how to help him because there isn't truly a way to run out of the situation. I know he really loves his daughter and I've seen that his daughter has a great bond with him. He wouldn't want to cut his relationship off with neither our mom or his daughter. What should he do? Or what should I do to help him? Is it necessary for him to tell my mom that she is a grandmother to his child? Or should he keep it a secret forever? Help will surely be appreciated, Jazakallah kair.
- Moonna
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Dear Monna,
You're in a difficult situation right now, and it's unfortunate that you also have to worry about figuring out how and when to tell your mother about your brother's 2-year daughter. But remember that you and your brother are no longer children anymore, you both are full-fledged adults, and although your mom may not approve of the bed your brother made for himself, or the decision you made in holding such a secret for so long from her, but now you have a decision to make on whether you should tell your mother or not, these are officially your decisions to make. Either way, it sounds as if her opinion and support matter a great deal to you and your brother.
Which is understandable considering Islam teaches us to respect our parents, especially our mothers.
The last thing we ever want to do is hurt them. An unexpected child may be tough to deal with, particularly when you're aware that some family and friends (in your case, your mother) will respond with anger or upset. As you probably know, you need to decide what to do about this because right now is has nothing to do with you, your brother nor your mother, it has EVERYTHING to do with an innocent little 2-year old child. You have several options, including, giving your mother the respect by telling her the truth as difficult it is. Subhan'allah God forbid if anything were to happen to her, would you want her to go to her grave without knowing she had a granddaughter she left behind in this duniyah without even a kiss to the cheek.
You can weigh the pros and cons of each possibility and evaluate your feelings about each, rationally or irrationally. And you will see that telling your mother the truth is the best way to to, it is the truth that shall set us free. What happens in darkness shall come to light, no?
To prepare your brother for talking with your mom it may help to think about what you hope to get out of telling her. It may also be helpful to practice what you'll say before you let her know. If talking to your mom seems to scary, try practicing first with your brother who can help you rehearse.
Then you both could choose a moment when you'll have your mom's attention. You could sit down with her, in a place where you're not likely to be interrupted, and say something like:
"Mom, I know you don't approve of sex before marriage, and I try not to disappoint you, but I have a 2-year old adorable daughter who would just love to meet you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What is done, is done. Be mad at me, mom. But not this innocent child and we want you to know — we really could use your support."
Or, "Mom, I'm feeling scared about telling you this but it's important to me to be honest with you. I have a 2-year old daughter that I have been keeping away from you and I am pretty sure you are upset with me but she's the best thing that has ever happened to me. I know you might be disappointed in me, but I could really use your support now."
Explain to your mom that you know she may be disappointed, angry, upset, etc., but that this situation is nonetheless a reality, and you'd really like her support. It's impossible to predict how she will react; your mom may surprise you and be less angry than you expect, or she may be angry and hurt at first, and then come around. If not, you ought to join the conversation and perhaps your kindness may help soften the blow.
And this is for you brother, it is crucial that he gets care and guidance from those around him, even if he doesn't t receive it from his mother. Are there other family members (TRUSTED ONES ONLY) who can help your brother and your mother deal with this?
Whatever the case, keep in mind that sometimes life takes unexpected turns, and we can simply do our best to deal with them head-on as they arise. We're not all perfect, for the only perfect one is Allah (SWT).
Insh'allah I pray that your brother's journey goes seemingly smooth for him. Tell your brother to say alhamdillah, most couple can't even have children. He should count his blessings and say alhamdillah.
Maybe this wasn't how your brother or you planned out for things to happen, but always remember "We plan tomorrow, Allah plans better...".
Everything's in greater plan.
Best regards,
Somali girl.
As salamu alaykum, Sister Moona,
Masha´Allah, you have received an excellent advice already.
You should give your mother the choice to be involved in her granddaughter´s life, you said this bugged you and that you are close to your brother, then tell him the straight way.
Repentance for the wrong he has done (tawbah, you have a link on the top of the page), looking for Allah(swt), his family and his own forgiveness are part of the healing process and returning to the straight way. Shaytan has many ways to act and once a believer has sin once, other sin comes together and other one, until we are so blind and deaf that our arrogance and shaytan whispers tells us that we are believers just because we believe, and this is not this way.
Your mother, insha´Allah, is his bridge to the straight path will be upset and it is good and healthy that she will be, your brother has gone astray and he should know how much suffering cause to walk out of the straight way, not just to him to everyone around and the suffering of your mum, will be his suffering, no way out of it, if insha´allah, he really wants to do everything straight.
Wasalam,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Just something very important that I would like to add, his daughter has the right to be recognized by his family(you included), that is her right and his duty, insha´Allah, you will find the best way to bring all this hidden situation to the Light.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor