Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My father denies my wish to marry without knowing the boy

father gives daughter away wedding

Can you please guide me as to what to do....I have been getting to know a certain boy for about a year now and just by looking at him and not knowing him my father does not approve. I have made my Istikhara and it came out positive but is there something I can read to change my daddy's mind or to soften his heart and his families hearts as they think I am too pretty for him? I need some guidance as the boy wants to come home but is waiting for me to speak to my parents and family.



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8 Responses »

  1. Asalam alikom dear sister i read your message and now i wana tell u that some thing that first u should tell to ur father that i u see to the (bebe zainab) she was 10 years old some people says she was about 9 years old she made nekah with prophet Mohammad pbuh. actually our prophet requested from abobaker her father. and Islam says that the girls must choose the boy it is the right of the girl not the right of parents and islam says girls shouldnt lay at home alot whenever they want they can marry.wasalam it is my e-mail u can in touch with me ............. thanx! do not forget me in ur dua.
    (Email address deleted by Editor)

    • Brother,

      Please refrain from posting your email address here. Any advice you wish to offer can be done publicly.

      SisterZ Editor

  2. Salamu'alaikum sister,

    The father's denial maybe due to various reasons. One being that he thinks you are too young to marry. Two: He doesn't like the boy's appearance. Three: He thinks the boy wouldn't be able to take care of you. There maybe other reasons too. If he denies, know the reason. And know that he has more experience in recognizing people, than you do, and he is your father, you cares for you. I'm sure he will have a reason for his denial.

    Before all of this, I would advise you to keep away from any non Mahram man, in order to avoid the fitnah involved.

    Further to this, the man CAN NOT keep the relation with you, until he marries you. He has to speak to your father and then marry you. He can not expect you to speak to your father, as we know from the tradition that women are soft and have a lot of Hayaa' - True Musim Women at least :) - Hence, it is the man who should approach the Wali of the girl if he intends to marry her.

    Hope you got the answer. But if your father denies, know the reason and act accordingly. If it is because the boy is not religious, then you should go with his decision. But if it is because he is Religious and he doesn't want you to be Religious (as is common among a lot of people today) then the problem is entirely different.

    You say Istikhaarah showed positive result. Is it some dream or something you saw? Because if you performed Istikhaarah and the boy is right for you, then the matter will become easy and your father will agree; so the boy SHOULD speak to your father. But if the boy is not right, then your father will deny, and you should accept what Allah has decreed, and have patience; and also keep away from the boy.

    May Allah make it easy for you
    Muhammad Waseem Saifullah

    • Mohammed Waseem Saifulla, you said: 'He can not expect you to speak to your father, as we know from the tradition that women are soft and have a lot of Hayaa' - True Musim Women at least. Hence, it is the man who should approach the Wali of the girl if he intends to marry her.'

      I do not agree with this at all. Khadija(ra) expressed an interest to marry the Messenger of Allah(ra); Musa(as)'s wife expressed at interest of marrying him(as) to her father. And there is also a story whereby a woman stood up amongst a crowd and asked Rasool(sws) to marry her. The request was denied, but this is not the point. The point is that while one man rebuked her for being so open and vocal, another man from amongst the Companions praised her for atleast she knew what she wanted and was able to make a strong decision. (I cannot find the hadith, so if anyone knows of it, please do attach it here).

      Of course, the manner in which a woman makes the proposal should be according to Islam - but there is no prohibition in her being the one to initiate it. Furthermore, I believe a daughter should be always be made to feel comfortable in speaking openly and honestly with both her mother and father about marriage and people whom she is interested in. It is when a child is unable to communicate with her parents that problems start occuring. These notions of 'staying quiet anf hiding one's feelings' infront of parents is nothing but an Indo subcontinent concoction of polluted cultural nonsense.

      SisterZ Editor

      • Thanks for the reminder sister. May Allah reward you for this. I mentioned so, influenced by the following:

        ‘Aishah(R) asked Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) if women must be asked for their permission of marriage. Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) replied, "Yes. " She said, ‘The virgin is asked for her permission but she gets shy. Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) said, "Her silence is her permission. " (Bukhari and Muslim)

        Jazakillahu Khair

      • I believe you referred to the following Hadith from Sahih al Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Hadith Number 24:

        Narrated Sahl bin Sad As-Sa'idi:

        A woman came to Allah's Apostle and said, "O Allah's Apostle! I have come to give you myself in marriage (without Mahr)." Allah's Apostle looked at her. He looked at her carefully and fixed his glance on her and then lowered his head. When the lady saw that he did not say anything, she sat down. A man from his companions got up and said, "O Allah's Apostle! If you are not in need of her, then marry her to me." The Prophet said, "Have you got anything to offer?" The man said, "No, by Allah, O Allah's Apostle!" The Prophet said (to him), "Go to your family and see if you have something." The man went and returned, saying, "No, by Allah, I have not found anything." Allah's Apostle said, "(Go again) and look for something, even if it is an iron ring." He went again and returned, saying, "No, by Allah, O Allah's Apostle! I could not find even an iron ring, but this is my Izar (waist sheet)." He had no rida. He added, "I give half of it to her." Allah's Apostle said, "What will she do with your Izar? If you wear it, she will be naked, and if she wears it, you will be naked." So that man sat down for a long while and then got up (to depart). When Allah's Apostle saw him going, he ordered that he be called back. When he came, the Prophet said, "How much of the Quran do you know?" He said, "I know such Sura and such Sura," counting them. The Prophet said, "Do you know them by heart?" He replied, "Yes." The Prophet said, "Go, I marry her to you for that much of the Quran which you have."

  3. it appears to me that your dad wants to protect you and keep you safe from any wrong doing. Have you heard of wanting to protect your iszaat and more than anything for you to be patience. Also your dad wants to see if this man you like is good enough for his daughter parents do think long and hard its us as the children that are naive and not always right we do need guidance. I hope you the best

  4. Asalaam alaikum,

    Your father may just be testing the situation to see if this young man has the gumption to approach him rather than to use you for a gauge, dear Sister Fatima Ebrahima. You see, your father wants to know if this young man will have a proper proposal ready, some kind of plans and a living situation settled to take a wife, especially one such as his own daughter. Keep in mind that your father loves you very much, but it shows a lack of sincerity on the young man's part when he does not approach him and this makes the father weary of any person who shows an interest in his daughter.

    I agree with SisterZ, that it is your right to express interest in a young man, but also keep in mind that this young man should have approached your father a lot sooner so that your feelings would not be hurt. If young Muslim men want to be the leaders of their society and their own household, then they must learn to do this fro the get-go in approaching a young woman within the tenets of Islam.

    I would advise to ask the young man to phone your father and schedule a time to speak to him, man to man. Yet, I would also encourage you to not continue a secret or hidden relationship with this young man, either. See where the events lead and place your trust in Allah (swt). Only when everything is just and open with your family can you expect the Right Path to be shown.

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