My Fiance Refuses to Accept My Past Marriage.
asalam alaikum Brothers and Sisters,
I converted to Islam 2 years ago after reading the Qur'an, Masha Allah .My dilemma is this: I met a wonderful Muslim man. I was new to Islam (this was before converting) and I wasn't familiar with its cultures. I was married before to a very bad husband. I lived a very miserable life for year,s but my faith in Christianity told me it is a sin to leave a husband unless he commits an act of adultery,which he finally did do so I filed for divorce. I made the mistake of telling my new fiance about my past relationship, including private things, because where I live it is normal to tell a new hubby about your past.
He was very upset, and said, "this is bad talk to tell of past relations", even though what I told him was of sexual abuse and beatings by my ex-husband. It was also before I converted to Islam, and before I knew much about Islamm shariah law or the Islamic culture. I am told that after shahada you are newborn and all is forgiven, yet my fiance brings these things to me constantly and makes me live in my past sins and feel shameful and not good enough for him. This is not what I read about Islam.
I love him so much, but he gets into bad moods and says horrible things making me cry and feel physically ill. He says he can't control his hurtful words, and that it's not him but his hurt and anger that I put there, and that I have to accept the new him. He is not the same person I fell in love with because I changed him inside. He isn't happy, and I must accept him if I cannot live without him and accept that I will take all the bad words he says when he thinks of my past. All I can do is hope Allah makes him forget.
He said any true Muslim man that hears his wife's past relations is gonna act this way.The hard part for me is this: I didn't want him to hear it from my family, so I thought I was doing the right thing by telling him the truth of my past. I was married only once, was always pure before that marriage to my ex-husband, and I was always very religious and good. I never did fornication or bad things. Now I am a Muslimah and I feel as if I'm being punished for a mistake I clearly didn't know I was making. He has even said he feels like he could blow up at me or my children when he thinks of my ex and my past??? I am so confused someone please help me.
-ConfusedMuslimah
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asalamu alaikum,
welcome to Islam, Alhamdulillah. now I want to say, whatever happened in the past should stay in the past. when you became a Muslim all your past sins are forgiven, Alhamdulillah. Islam is the religion and Muslims are the people. you will find loads of Muslims unfortunately who behave on their own accord not what Islam teaches. I will tell you sis, he is showing signs of abuse, control freak. please don't make the same mistake twice. if he cant accept you whole heartedly then hell with him. if you have faith in Allah(swt) I guarantee he will replace him, with someone far better. Allah(swt) said just because you claim to be a Muslim, you think you wont be tested?
he said, He said any true Muslim man that hears his wife's past relations is gonna act this way.? that's not true. not everyone has the same mentality. if that was the case then no Muslim will ever marry a divorcee who has children.
so many good brothers out there. I think you should find someone with good character and deen, and who can accept you wholeheartedly. don't bend over backwards to please anyone.. be yourself. may Allah(swt) bless you with a righteous man. ameen..
ma salama..
Salaam
You have the right to a new life and if Allah forgives then no one else can object. Who is there that has not sinned in their life? You were married and that is certainly not something to be ashamed of. Like you said you never cheated on anyone.
I think what your husband feels is insecurity. I can well understand his hurt but I think it is wrong to blame you.
He feels that way probably because he is worried of being compared to your ex husband. It is somewhat natural I think to worry about being compared to an ex but especially more so in people that feel insecure to begin with.
Of course he may not exhibit signs of insecurity all time since people with these issues usually do try to conceal them but it shouldn't come as a surprise to you.
You really ought to sit down with him and discuss this calmly. Assure him that he has no reasons to devalue himself and that you really want this marriage to work out. Ask him exactly what is causing him grief and if you cannot resolve it then speak to a marriage counselor.
He may try to justify himself but kindly remind him that some of the greatest allies and disciples of the Prophet Muhammad (saws) used to be his foes before accepting Islam. Some of them even fought against the Prophet and the Muslims before embracing the faith. Yet when they did, not only were they vindicated by Allah, but in many verses of the Quran Allah even eulogized them and expressed His pleasure of them.
So much so that almost one thousand five hundred years on we continue to take their names with awe and reverence.
And remember that many of the Prophet's wives were previously married like yourself.
Sister,
If your fiance cannot accept your past, why is he still around? You were married once before to an abusive man...you certainly cannot go down that road again. You have found Islam alhumdillilah and you are trying to make a better life for yourself. You don't have to accept any man who cannot accept you and who you are...period. I get that you love him however, you must love yourself first. Are you prepared to go round two with a man who treats you in a manner that you don't deserve and says horrible things to you? Have you not cried enough? Surely you deserve better sister. You need to do some serious soul searching and ask yourself, "do I want to live this way?" Life is way too short to be unhappy and miserable all the time. If your fiance is unable to get over your past in order to make a future with you, he should move on. He knows the hardships you went through your with your ex abusive spouse. How dare he throw it in your face and put you through hell again. If anything, he should be loving and supportive of you. If he can't because he can't deal with knowing what he does, how on earth can either of you consider marriage? Simply put, that is a recipe for disaster and you will ultimately be the one to pay the price. Are you prepared for that? I for one would rather wake up alone than have a man throw in my face insults every time we have differences, especially for something that I had no control over. May Allah bless you, keep you and protect you always.
Salam
Is your husband getting his citizenship by marrying you?
As-salamu Alaykum,
It is true that it's better to leave sins in the past, but you did not commit a sin by being married to an abusive partner. It was your ex-husband who committed sinful behaviors. If your fiancé was going to "react" it should have been with anger towards the person who abused you...not towards you, and certainly not towards your children.
I get that a lot of men don't like to hear about their wives' pasts...but I also believe that in order for two people to share a meaningful life together, they need to know and understand important things about each other. This is obviously not someone who is sympathetic towards your past relationship, and he will not be a source of healing and comfort to you in the future.
Sis, a lot of women are attracted to abusers and end up with the same type of person multiple times, thus repeating the cycle of abuse. Your current fiancé is showing the traits of someone who will be abusive and controlling during marriage, and you already know from past experience that this is something very difficult, if not impossible, to change or alter.
You are still new in Islam, masha'Allah, and I think you should take some time for yourself to grow in religion and faith before getting married. Someone who constantly makes you feel bad about yourself is simply not good husband material, and I'd hate to see you go through another bad marriage.
Sis,
I wish you had not told him that. Any man with dignity and shame will act the way your fiance is acting.
You should be happy, because this shows he has true feelings for you and he wishes none of what you told him had happened.
Any way...shoulda..woulda...coulda...Its in the past. If he does get angry with you and becomes hurtful to you, please do not be rude to him. Just tell him calmly that if you could take it back, you would in a moment. But you cant reverse time. Tell him you told him this because you did not want to keep anything from him, and that you trust him so much
It is hard, for a man to accept all this in his woman, but you are In Sha Allah pure now. I hope Allah puts more mercy and patience in his heart.
Please, remember, Allah conceals a persons mistakes/sins/past. Please do not betray your own secrets.
I hope you peace and love between the two of you.
Salam.
As-salamu Alaykum,
Please keep in mind that this woman did not commit a SIN. She was married and suffered injustice and trauma at the hands of her husband. She was not impure due to the events that happened during her marriage. She told her fiancé she was married, beaten, and sexually abused..,in other words, the victim of a crime. Surely this is information that would be of interest and importance to a future spouse? My own brother (a non-Muslim) married a woman who was violently abused by her ex-husband. He never once made it an issue and was, in fact, always looking for ways to comfort her and boost her self-confidence. He even raised her daughter to adulthood and treated her as though she was his own daughter. The "dignity" that you speak of is the dignity that makes a man wish to protect and comfort a woman, not the misguided feeling that makes him want to shun her for things that were not in her hands.
Assalaamualaikam
I would dispute your statement that any man with dignity and shame would act in this way. The poster hasn't told him that she has committed a sin, or betrayed him in any way. She has told him that in her past, within a Christian marriage, she endured abuse from her husband - I would expect any man with dignity to be caring and understanding, and to want to help and support women in such situations. I would expect a man with shame to be appalled at what she has had to endure, not to blame her for it. How can we condone abuse towards women when we are told that Paradise is at our mothers' feet? How can we blame women for suffering abuse when it is clearly stated in the Quran that if a woman is forced into sexual slavery or abuse, no blame is attributed to her?
To the original poster, I would advise that you be careful with regards your relationship with this man. Some of the actions you describe suggest you might be entering into another abusive relationship, although you are best placed to decide that rather than us.
I would be concerned that the relationship between the two of you may not be in accordance with Islamic guidance. In Islam, dating isn't considered part of a halal relationship, as this can only exist within marriage. So, you would need to have had a nikah in order for it to be acceptable for you to be physically or emotionally intimate with this man - if this hasn't taken place, then the standard guidance for interactions with the opposite gender still apply - so, fully covering your awrah, avoiding private communication, avoiding flirtatious behaviour, etc.
After reverting, it can be confusing at first to get to grips with some of the guidance laid out for us (as we are essentially learning and unlearning social behaviours which are easiest learned as children), but once you learn the basic principles, it's clear why Islamic guidance helps us to live halal, peaceful lives. I'd suggest that you start going to a New to Islam class and making friends with pious sisters in your area, who can inshaAllah help you with your studies. If there is an Islamic bookstore nearby, they may be able to help you find books to improve your knowledge of Islam and how to live an Islamic lifestyle as a modern woman.
Your fiance, though, should already know that there is no couple without nikah. If he hasn't been keeping to Islamic limits, and isn't being proactive in arranging a nikah, I'd have concerns that he may not be of good character.
You are best placed to consider these issues, though, so my advice would be to think hard about whether you feel marriage with this man would be best for you and your children, in this life and the next. Pray istikhara and ask Allah for guidance.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister,
As far as I know, the generalization in the above two statements is not true. In fact, any good Muslim man will feel normal with whatever Allah loves, because they love for the sake of Allah, and not for the sake of Dunya. If Allah loves something, the good Muslims will also love it and enjoy it regardless of everything in the past.
Despite the fact that Allah loves the repentance, however the woman (OP) here did not commit any sin at all- she is equivalent to a halal divorcee. She was following the rules of maintaining her chastity based on what she knew as her religion in the past, and then she continued maintaining her chastity even during/after her non-Muslim marriage.
How could any good Muslim man treat such a woman this way or abuse her, due to her past halal marriage, while the Sahabah r.a (the companions of the Prophet s.a.w.s), married such women, and never acted the way this fiancé is acting? In fact, it takes only a good Muslim man to refrain from acting that way, and the Sahabah (r.a) are the best of all good Muslim men, and it is through their lives that we learned to imitate the reality of dignity and shame.
Allah (swt) says in the Holy Quran
"O you who believe! When believing women come to you emigrating (to medinah), test them. Allah is Aware of their faith. And if you find them to be faithful, do not send them back to the unbelievers (their ex husbands). They are not lawful for them, nor are they lawful for them. But give them (the unbelievers) what they have spent. You are not at fault if you marry them, provided you give them their compensation (dowry). And do not hold on to ties with unbelieving women (among your wives who left you and Islam to marry the unbelievers), but demand what you have spent (from the unbelievers), and let them demand what they have spent. This is the rule of God; He rules among you. God is Knowing and Wise." (Quran 60:10)
If your fiancé wants to stay with you but can’t get rid of the way he is acting and treating you, then it means he is recognizing that he is doing you a favor, and making you believe that. This may lead him to abuse you, and you may want to accept his abuse just to make him stay in your life, which would be a huge mistake.
He should know that he is marrying you for the sake of Allah, and not for the sake of doing you a favor in and of itself. Doing good deeds for the sake of Allah could also be like Sadaqah (charity), and we are not allowed to remind people of the sadaqah and then abuse them through that.
Allah (swt) says:
“Those who spend their wealth in the way of Allah, and then do not follow up what they spent with reminders of their generosity or with insults, will have their reward with their Lord—they have nothing to fear, nor shall they grieve. Kind words and forgiveness are better than charity followed by insults. Allah is Rich and Clement. O you who believe! Do not nullify your charitable deeds with reminders and hurtful words, like him who spends his wealth to be seen by the people, and does not believe in Allah and the Last Day. His likeness is that of a smooth rock covered with soil: a downpour strikes it, and leaves it bare—they gain nothing from their efforts. Allah does not guide the disbelieving people.”
(Quran 2: 262 -263)
This is what I have to say for now to support most of the good advices given above already. May Allah be with you Sister. Ameen!