Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband forced me to reveal my past to him

Salamu aleikum brothers and sisters,

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My husband and I met and fell in love. Right from the start he told me about his past: his girlfriends, how many women he had slept with as well as many other sins, and also that he was neither praying nor fasting at the moment (and he still is not). I accepted it and thought that we all do mistakes and that Allah (swt) is forgiving. But later on, jealousy took over and I began to think about his past girlfriends/lovers and asking him about their looks and more. I wished he'd never told me about his past.

Before I met my husband I had committed sins myself: I had had a "relationship/friendship" with a boy (not a sexual one). At one occasion I went to a night club with friends and did what people in clubs do, I've tasted alcohol on a few occasions, smoked, talked to guys on internet (though never intending to do anything haram). After my husband had told me about his past and sins, he asked me about mine. I didn't feel comfortable talking about my past, but I also felt guilty because he truly loved me and had told me about his past, and thus I owed it to him to be honest. But I found myself unable to tell him everything, and so told half the truth about many things, and lied about many things.

He would ask me several times about my past, and I would lie as I felt and was convinced that he would never accept me if he learned the truth about what I had done.

We spent a year together before getting married, and we committed zina, both knowing it was wrong, but convincing ourselves that it was OK as we would end up getting married. Then we got married. A very, very short time before our nikkah day, my husband asked me about my past again, and that he felt I hadn't told him everything. So I told him that I had kissed the guy that I had had a relationship with. Right after I had told him that, he called me a whore, and told me that he would never marry me, and that everything was over. I was so scared (both because I loved him and didn't want to lose him over mistakes in my past, and because we had committed zina).

With the help of my friend, we managed to change his mind. But he told me that he wanted me to tell him everything about my past, and that if he wanted to, I had to swear on the Quran. My friend told me not reveal anything else from my past as it would only do harm, and that I shouldn't have to swear on the Quran, but that if he forced me I should, and Allah would understand. Anyway, I told him there was nothing else, and he didn't force me to swear on the Quran then. He was very hurt and felt betrayed, and I felt horrible as he really didn't deserve this.

After we got married he asked me about my past all over again, he threatened me that if I was lying, Allah would reveal that to him, and if I hadn't told him everything about my past he would find out, and that when he did he would surely divorce me (or kill me). He forced me to tell him everything, and then swear on the Quran, that everything I had said was true, and that I would tell him about EVERYTHING in my past, concerning me AND others (my friends, my family etc).

I was so scared, because he tried to kill me. So I swore on the Quran, and I told him about my past, but there were still some things that I kept to myself and changed. After this he would remind me that I had sworn on the Quran to tell him everything about my past, my present and about my friends' past and presents. He said that firstly, as my husband he had the right to know everything about me, and secondly, he was being honest to me about everything, even confiding in me secrets that others had entrusted him with (let it be clear that he CAN be entrusted with secrets, however, as he says, he feels that he and I are one person so by telling me he is only telling himself. When he says this, I feel even worse for not being able to be completely honest with him, and for not telling him about everything I know about others).

So out of fear from him killing me or leaving me, out of fear of the oath I gave, I revealed some of my friends' secrets and sins. And I hate myself for that, and I hate the fact that my husband forced me to do that! I hate myself for being so weak and swearing on the Quran! I hate myself for not being honest with him from the beginning! I wish I had!

And later, a short while ago, my consciense started eating me up alive as I began to fear that Allah would punish me for giving an oath and still not telling everything to my husband, and that I still didn't reveal everything about my friends. Before meeting my husband and until a short time after swearing on the Quran I was smoking behind his back. Only my very close friends knew, and I didn't tell my husband because he had forbidden me from smoking. I know I am mistaken in smoking behind his back, and for continuing even after swearing on the Quran, but alhamdulillah I realised my mistake and quit.

But as I said, a short while ago I felt the need to confess to my husband about this and a few other things. I realised at the the same moment I had confessed, that I had made a mistake; I felt that Allah had concealed my mistake and I had revealed it. Also, I told him that my friend smoked too, and she had asked mo to promise to never tell anyone about that. He got mad, called me and my friend bad names, told me he hated me, and that it was over, and that I didn't fear Allah for swearing falsely. I became crazy, started crying and begged him to stay. I felt so guilty for the pain I had caused him! He hit me severely.

Eventually, he made me swear (this time not by putting my hand on the Quran, but on Allah) that I had told him everything, would keep telling him everything, about me and others, about all my conversations with my friends and family, and that I would never do anything wrong again. I swore, but in my heart I would say "Allah, help me, you know what's in my heart, you know my intention".

Since then, brothers and sisters, I have truly awaken to see and realize all the sins I have committed. I have repented truthfully to Allah every day and night, after every prayer, and made an honest intention to never repeat any of my sins again. My husband doesn't pray or fast, and every time I tell him to come pray with me, he needs to make sure that he will not have a reason to leave salat or to do anything wrong again before he begins to pray and fast (with that he means that he needs to make sure that I will keep what I promised him, and that I will never make a mistake again).

I have read a lot about islam, about repentance, about whether a woman is obliged to tell her husband about her past before getting married. All the places I've been, I have found the same answer: Neither a man nor a woman are obliged to tell their spouses about their past or about their sins, a Muslim should conceal his/her sin, and not tell it to anyone, and repent truthfully and Allah will inshallah forgive him/her. I did NOT know about this when I swore on the Quran the first time, but right before the last incident happened I read on the Internet that a woman didn't have to tell her husband about her past, and that if she was forced to swear on the Quran or on Allah falsely she could, as Allah knows why she is doing it.

Is this true, is that allowed/halal? Or have I committed an even bigger sin by swearing? Have I committed a "yameen-ghamoos"? Is there no repentance for this, what should I do?

Now, finally, I ask of you, brothers and sisters, to guide me, tell me what to do. I want my husband to pray, fast and repent to Allah before it's too late. I want him to repent our zina past. I want him to understand that he can't reveal people's secrets, because even to tell me, his wife, it is considered haram (am I right, or is it OK to tell your husband/wife about other people's secrets/actions if you keep it between only the two of you????)

I am convinced now, that I should not reveal my friends' secrets, or tell my husband anything else about my past which I have left out, even though I swore I would. I am convinced that if I do what I swore to do, it will be haram, because gossiping is haram, revealing secrets that someone has entrusted you with is haram, and finally i now know that my husband has no right to know about my past.

Am I right? PLEASE, guide me, tell me if I'm wrong. And what if he asks me about my past again, what should I do then, should I keep on swearing, or should I try, without swearing, to tell him to never open the subject again? I have asked Allah to help me be strong and guide me, and forgive me for my weakness, and help me to never swear falsely again, and inshallah He will guide me and help me. But I hope to get the guidance of someone who may have more correct information about this.

Jezakom Allah kher!

Your sister.


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23 Responses »

  1. Asalamaoliakum sister,
    I am sorry to read about your unfortunate situation. The first mistake you made was intermingling with this guy. You see since then you were committing sins against Allah swt and your own soul. You both committed zina and you must sincerely repent for doing so as this is a great sin and very disliked in Allah swt’s eyes. Rest assured, the doors of mercy and repentance are open for you as you are still alive alhumdulillah so don’t waste another second and ask for sincere repentance.

    The conditions are as follows:

    1. Leaving the sin;
    2. Remorse over having committed the sin;
    3. Resolve never to return to the sin;
    (If it relates to the rights of another person, then to) Return the rights or property one wrongly took. [al-Bariqa fi Sharh al-Tariqa; Riyad al-Salihin]

    If these conditions are truly met, then one can expect one's sins to be forgiven. However, one has to be very careful about how sincere one is in fulfilling one's conditions. It is recommended to seek forgiveness a lot, and to repent every time the sin comes to one's mind.

    Also, if you are not already doing so, offer salat consistently, recite Quran (with translation as it helps you understand what you are actually saying) and it would be recommended that you change your surrounding of friends—if they are leading you astray.

    In regards to your husband, his behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. He has no right to question you over and over again regarding your past. Your past is the past, it’s a chapter of your life that does not exist anymore and alhumdulillah you claim that you are learning from your sins and trying to make yourself a better person. I personally believe he is behaving this way because he doesn’t trust you. This may be for 2 reasons:

    1. He damaged his own soul so much by engaging in haram activities (i.e.: zina, not praying or fasting, other sins that you know he has committed, etc). As a result he has lost trust over himself and others around him. It’s kind of like a curse from Allah swt as you begin thinking “Well if I can do it, why can’t she?”. I see this type of behaviour in many guys who are indulged in haram activities.
    2. You both committed zina and now he is starting to doubt you as he knows deep down what you both have done was a grave sin. He is not able to trust you now as he may think you gave in too easily and therefore if you gave into him so easily, you could have in the past also.

    His rational though is incorrect. These constant whispers that he is getting from shaitaan are fueling his insecurities towards you and as a result he is forcing you to open your past and take oaths on Allah’s name and the Quraan. This is absolutely wrong. One should never force another to take an oath especially in regards to one’s past. We are humans and we have no right to take such a pure and sacred book as a “truth detector” for our worldly affairs. He should be ashamed of himself for doing so. If he couldn’t trust you, he shouldn’t have married you, let alone spent time with you and committed zina. Also, him asking you to expose other’s (i.e.: family & friends) sins is despicable. How dare he ask regarding other’s sins? It is clearly evident that he has some major issues he needs to sort out or else you both will be living a very miserable life.

    As a Muslim, Allah swt has commanded us to conceal our sins. If He conceals our sins and we go expose it to others this is very much disliked in His eyes. The rationale behind it is that it decreases the severity of the sin and often times people start thinking it is something normal and everyone does it so it’s okay to do it also (i.e.: having a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship has become so common today mainly because everyone talks about it so openly which decreases it’s severity as a sin—people begin to think “Well if he or she is doing it why can’t I? It’s become so common today, I guess it’s normal and okay, etc, etc). So if Allah swt has commanded us to conceal our own sins, why would He ever want us to reveal others?

    For further details in regards to exposing your sins, here is a link that you can read over that brother Wael has posted on this website: http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/boasting-about-sins/

    Your husband is not treating you well at all and I think you need to be firm with him now. Tell him that you married him and accepted him for who he is. He must do the same in return. Your and his past is the past. It is a closed chapter. What you both must focus on now is the present and future. And what I fail to understand is his double standards? He doesn’t pray, fast, etc but he expects all this from you? He needs to work on himself and you both simultaneously. You both should bring out the best in one another, not the worst. The reason why he is behaving this way with you is because deep down he knows that the correct way to living a content life is by following Islam, the Quran and the Sunnah. However, he’s too lazy to do it himself but wants the assurance that the girl he is married to follows it to the best of her abilities. He needs a wake up call.

    You must be firm with him and tell him that he has no right to question your past or anyone else’s. You are his wife and he has numerous rights over you, but this is not one of them. He will be earning Allah’s anger and wrath if he keeps forcing you and if he really is Allah fearing he will stop forcing you. I suggest that you tell him kindly but firmly that this all needs to stop. You both sound like a young couple and you have your lives ahead of you. If from now he is physically abusing you, things will escalate. I highly suggest that you both go for counseling or else I see a very miserable life ahead for both of you.

    If you both want to be happy with this marriage, you both will need to make changes and let go of the past. If you can, get your elders (i.e.: parents) involved and try to convey this message to him kindly. If he refuses to listen or acknowledge his mistakes, then I suggest you look for an alternative solution as you won’t be living a very content life with him. He needs a lot of growing up and maturing to do.

    -Helping Sister

  2. I feel that before starting any serious relationship, even if it is permissible not to reveal our past, it is best not to hide anything and tell everything to each other so as this does not lead to doubts and suspicions later on.
    Nevertheless, we must ensure that after revealing our past,this will not have a detrimental effect. We must promise each other that regardless of how the past is, since we have already taken the decision of settling down and that we have changed a lot and will not commit those dirty past again, this should not affect our relationship. we will have to muster the courage to bear the past we are going to reveal,try forget it and move on. And also promise and keep the promise of not commiting such past acts again.
    hope it helps..

      • Naive. Are you crazy? Promise that it won't have a detrimental effect? Please! The wisdom of Allah is to hide everything.

        • No am not crazy.
          If a partner is bent on wanting to know the past of his better half, the latter can reveal but only on one condition, this shall not cause further problems in their relationship. Since the partner wants to know, he will have to bear the bitter past of his better half and let go of the past. At least there will be no doubts and suspicions in his/her mind. The partner must promise that he/she will not hassle his better half later on with the dirty past. that's all because sometimes we want to know something about the other 1,his/her past and till we do not get a clue, it is like a martyr. Now it depends on people,,, some people by not revealing their past are having lots of problems in their relationships because of the doubts etc..

          • Muslimah19,
            although ideally we'd all prefer our better half's to accept our past and never bring it up again, ever; in realtiy though that is not the case. So many women write on IA for this very reason, that their honesty has resulted in their own misery. One's partner may claim at that time (due to wanting to know the spouse's past) that they will never bring up the past again, but lo and behold, when an argument occurs, there are taunts flying everywhere.
            It's sad that this is the path many people choose to "resolve" their marital issues--by bringing up the past. Therefore, it's best to leave the past as is and the most sound answer to this issue is= because Allah swt has commanded us to. Surely, there is some wisdom then as He has commanded it to be this way and not otherwise?
            -Helping Sister

  3. I am surprised that none of the replies above have given any importance to the part where you said that your husband severely beat you and tried to kill you. This is serious, if he is angered by anything, he will resort to violence, so this beating or attempting to kill you may happen again. Do you really think it is right and safe for you to be in the same house with this man? It seems that you are walking on egg shells and trying to keep the peace by continuously having to lie. The way your husband is behaving is not at all normal, he needs anger management therapy and counselling to deal with his own issues. He is full of insecurities and has control issues, as not only does he want to know about your past, he wants to know about the past of your friends and family aswell.

    Just as it is/was wrong for you to reveal your sins to your husband, it is just as completely wrong for you to reveal anyone else's secrets/sins. By revealing such information you are dishonouring them and this is a major sin.

    Furthermore, you cannot make your husband pray Salaah or Fast, you can only advise and encourage him. But that is how one would behave with a husband with a normal mentality which I think your husband lacks.

    Heres what I think: Tell your husband clearly that you do not know about anything bad about your friends or family and that they have exemplary characters (even if you do know something negative)! Tell him nothing more about your past, say confidently that nothing more happened. Tell him also that you refuse to live a life that is existing on your past as you have repented and have turned towards Allah now. Tell him you married him for protection and security, not to be beaten and nearly killed. This is not what marriage is about. Perhaps you can suggest you both have marriage counselling? If he continues to push you to reveal your past and that of others; I do not see a good future for you. And if you feel physically threatened by him again, leave him and deal with the rest once you are in a safe place - simple.

    You made some terrible mistakes in your past, and should have stopped there, but your mistakes deepened when you were unable to conceal them. Your marriage began based on a very weak foundation as you committed zina with him and told him about your past - two major sins. Having said that, any decent man would not have pushed you to reveal your past. You further made a mistake when you decided to still marry such a man, since he had questioned your past and also called you a whore. There was clearly no respect or baraqah there from the beginning.

    From now on, be true to yourself.

    - Islam tells us not to sin but if we do, then to repent sincerely - so abide by this.
    - Islam instructs us to conceal your own and other's sins, so abide by that.
    - Islam tells us that our marriage is there to provide us with tranquility, love and peace. So if your husband continues pushing you to reveal your past, beats you and tries to kill you - you have an obligation to protect yourself. If that means having to leave for a while to find 'protection and security', then do so and then communicate with him from a safe distance. Suggest marriage counselling, anger management therapy etc.

    It is up to you how you wish to spend the rest of your life. But remember that no one has a right to infringe upon your God give right to privacy. Repent for your sins and regain your dignity. Once you have done this, you will realise that your husband has no right to make you live a life of guilt. You deserve better. Be true to yourself.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Asalamoalaikum,
      I did touch upon him beating her very briefly when I suggested counselling but you're right I must have talked about in further details.

      Sister, Sisterz is absolutely right. He shouldn't be physically torturing you in order for you to reveal your past. This, again is unacceptable behaviour. I believe the consensus here is that you both should try getting some counselling done and if still things don't work out, then you do have the right to ask for khulla as the condition you are living in right now is un-acceptable.

      -Helping Sister

  4. Thank you so much for your answers and help, sisters! Jezakom Allah kher.

    But I have to ask again: have I committed a "yameen-ghamoos" by swearing falsely on the Quran. Is the information I got on the Internet wrong (if forced it is "OK" to swear on the Quran)? Or will Allah understand? I feel so weak, so tired, so confused...

    SisterZ:
    If he asks again (and as you say I must be confident and say there's nothing else) and tells me to swear on Allah's name, what should I do? Should I say "wallah" or should I refuse to say it? I know for a fact that if I don't swear on Allah's name, he will be suspicious. What should I do? I feel stuck, like there's no way out.

    I know him well. If I do tell him what you sisters have suggested, this will be his reply:
    "I have no right to know about your past? So if you've slept with someone before me I don't get to know? You would tell me I'm your first? What if I told you you're my first. That I never layed eyes on a girl before you. I'd lie to you. How would you like being lied to?"

    And he has told me this. And honestly, when I put myself in his place, I get mad at ME. I would NOT appreciate being lied to, so how can I expect him to be OK with me concealing my past from him. Do you understand? Do you? I don't. Because I'm really going crazy here. I feel anger and I feel pain, and I feel hopeless, and I feel like a traitor, like someone who doesn't deserve his love or honesty. He does love me, he loves me more than I deserve. And the fact that he told me about his past proves that. I'm the one who's the crazy, unstable one here. Not him. A person who loves someone doesn't lie to them. I lied. I'm a liar. I decieved him. He never decieved me.

    Oh Allah, forgive me. I don't know anything.,

    • Asalamolaikum sister May,
      Good to hear from you and to know that you are okay. I am sorry for interjecting as your question is posed towards SisterZ but I might be able to help you a bit.

      I don’t know about taking a false oath in order to conceal your sin, I will leave that to SisterZ to answer as I am sure she has more knowledge than I do regarding all this.

      In your post you wrote:
      “I know him well. If I do tell him what you sisters have suggested, this will be his reply:
      "I have no right to know about your past? So if you've slept with someone before me I don't get to know? You would tell me I'm your first? What if I told you you're my first. That I never layed eyes on a girl before you. I'd lie to you. How would you like being lied to?"

      The answer to this is simple (and although you may feel hurt being lied to, this is the right way to go according to Allah swt’s command). You tell your husband,

      “Yes you have no right to know about my past. Although you are my husband and you have numerous rights over me and I do love you dearly, I however love Allah swt more and he has commanded that we conceal our sins and do not expose then. I have told you all that you need to know even though I should have not as Allah swt has commanded not to. I would not mind if you did not reveal your past to me as long as you have sincerely repented from it and vow never to go that path again. I am mature and mentally strong enough to know that something in the past may have happened but now you have learnt from your past sins, changed and become a better Muslim. I have no right to interrogate your past and question you over and over again. Your past is a closed chapter in your life and your sins should remain between you and Allah swt. I respect you for who you are today and tomorrow and I will judge you according to your present and future behaviour. I do respect your honesty but I want you to know that you are not supposed to reveal your sins to anyone be it your own wife. If Allah swt has commanded us not to, then we must put Him at a higher ranking. I love you dearly but I cannot put you at a higher ranking than Allah swt, nauzubillah. I must follow his command. You are a Muslim and part of being a good Muslim is to follow Allah swt’s command. If you keep forcing me to reveal my past to you, which I already have, you are forcing me to sin and are also earning sins yourself. You must let go of our past. We have to live in the present and plan for our future. Our past should not interfere with our present nor future.”

      Sister, I know it is difficult to know that our spouse may have had a past but we must be mentally strong, stable and mature to know that something may have happened but it is the past. Jealousy is a characteristic that all humans possess but if Allah swt has commanded us to conceal our sins and people do change then we must follow what He has ordered. We all sin, we all make mistakes and we all have a past. Its better not to know one’s past then to find out and have it eat you from inside. As the famous saying goes, “curiosity killed the cat”. Sometimes it’s better to leave things as is and move on with our life.

      I hope that helps you a bit and hopefully SisterZ will be able to help you with the rest of your post, inshAllah.

      -Helping Sister

    • As salamu alaykum sister May,

      Please just explain something to me, you feel like a traitor of someone that has insulted and has tried to KILL you, someone that lose his temper in the blink of an eye and wants you to betray your family and friends? Are we speaking the same language?

      This is not a question of telling your past or not, this goes further, your life is pending here on the humor of this man and the honour of everyone that knows you is being affected by the sick curiosity of your husband and it seems that you only care about his love and honesty, Are we talking about the man that wanted to kill you and want to know all your family and friends secrets?

      You should really pray to Allah(swt) for guidance and help to see where you really are and where you should direct your steps, insha´Allah.

      Please, stop punishing yourself, you need counselling and acknowledging both of you are not behaving properly, he has rage issues and this is not healthy because he lose control, what happens if he one day cannot control himself at all? And you are idealizing a situation and him, he is not the ideal man you think, and you are feeling depressed, you are not crazy or unstable, nor even him, but both of you need counselling as individuals and as a couple. He doesn´t love you more because he is violent to you, or because he is possesive or extremely jealous.

      Please, look for professional counselling to understand your process and learn how to get out of this situation, I am not meaning divorce, just to get in touch with a healthier way of looking at your marriage
      and a healthier way of living, insha´Allah. What you are going through is not normal.

      Your priority in this world is Allah(swt) the same that He(swt) should be his priority.

      Please pray at least your salat on time, to find the strength to look for solutions to this situation and consider at least, the option of going to counselling.

      All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Sister May, related to the oath I found the following: I took this from this post:

        http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/forced-to-swear-on-the-quran/

        This may answer your question about your oath, insha´Allah. This are two comments in this post:

        ****Helping Sister:

        MashAllah, beautiful response sister Leyla! I never knew that "Taking an oath under force is invalid and there is no blame or fault on a person if they break it."

        I have a quick question for you, maybe you will have the knowledge to answer it. Let's say a person forces someone to take an oath on the Quran regarding their past (that they have repented from) and they take a false oath regarding it out of fear of being ostracized, rejected, or taunted in the future, what is the ruling on that? Will the person taking the false oath be punished by Allah swt?

        I've heard many women under pressure doing this and was often very curious as to how they should over come this situation, especially married women who are forced by their husbands.

        Helping Sister

        *****Leyla

        Salaam helping Sister,

        "Allah will not take you to task for that which is unintentional in your oaths, but He will take you to task for the oaths which ye swear in earnest. The expiation thereof is the feeding of ten of the needy with the average of that wherewith you feed your own folk, or the clothing of them, or the liberation of a slave, and for him who findeth not (the wherewithal to do so) then a three days fast. This is the expiation of your oaths when ye have sworn, and keep your oaths. Thus Allah expoundeth unto you his revelation in order that ye give thanks." (Al-Maidah:89)

        Peace,
        Leyla
        Editor, Islamic Answers

        Wasalam,

        María
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • May, Asalaamualaykum,

      I don't know the answer to your question about swearing on the Quran under force. However, I do think this: Your husband is supposed to be the man who loves and cares for you. If he forces you to reveal your past and the past of others and forces you to swear on the Quran about something that really does not affect him at all because it happened when he was not part of your life, he beats you, threatens to kill you and calls you terrible names like a 'whore' - he does not respect you or love you. If you think this is love, then you are quite deluded. If your husband told you explicitly about his past relationships, this is not proof that he loves you. This is a man who has no shame.

      Your husband has major insecurities and anger problems. But what has happened is that you have turned things around and started to think that his infatuation about knowing your past is because he loves you so much. This is absolute and utter rubbish. If he loved you and respected you, he would never be treating you like this. Your sin was in your past. You repented and it has nothing to do with your future or your husband. It is between you and Allah - only.

      My dear sister, it would do you good to get some regular counselling as you also suffer from a lack of self confidence. If you had repented and accepted that Allah forgives, you would never keep bringing the past up again. You would have regained your dignity and found peace and contentment in Allah and would feel no need to have to tell others to gain peace.

      Sister - please, do yourself a favour and get some counselling.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  5. Asalamaolikum,
    I agree with everyone here, that it’s best to seek counselling. Also, you must keep in mind that this guy is not treating you well at all. Although I am sure you want to save this marriage, you must be problem-oriented and not emotion oriented. From the start of your marriage, he has been suspecting you, making you take oaths, forcing you to expose your sin and now it’s to extent that he has physically abused you. Things will escalate from here if proper intervention is not taken.

    I, like everyone here highly suggest counselling. If still things do not work out then you can seek for divorce (khulla) and in this situation I would recommend it (if he doesn’t change). You don’t have to destroy your life and go through this misery everyday. He is breaking down your confidence and you are constantly walking on egg shells—it doesn’t have to be this way.

    -Helping Sister

  6. sister

    i can't seem to fathom what kind of relationship you and your husband have? Is it all about tit for tat?? do you guys simply spend your days fighting about the past and urging each other to swear on the Quran?

    I want to ask you this sister?? At what point do you think it is ok for couples to stop talking about thier past and move on?
    You both have a dirty past (sorry to be blunt) but i can see that you are sincere in your repentence and insha-allah you will be forgiven for your sins. But it seems you husband suffers from some sort of psychological illiness. He needs professional help sister because he is fixated with your past?
    Remind him that he is no saint, remind him that he chose to marry you no one forced him, don't tolerate his violence, he has no right to strike you, i repeat NO RIGHT! You need to put a stop to this.
    Tell him for the last time that he needs to take stock f himself or else you will walk out. Right now what you need is pious female company, sisters who can help you on your way to a new life, a life that you have concsiously chosen by moving away from sins, your husband is dragging you back and that can only lead to prolonged misery for you.
    Please sister think about yourself.

    With regards to swearing on the Quran Dr. `Abdul-`Azeem Al-Mat`ani, professor at Al-Azhar University, issues the following Fatwa:
    "The majority of Muslim scholars maintain that taking an oath on the Qur'an is not considered an oath unless the one who swears intends that swearing by the Qur'an is tantamount to swearing by the Divine Being (Allah), and he cited his oath according to this very intention.With this in mind, the oath is equal to swearing by Allah Almighty, and the person who swears has to either fulfil his oath or to make Kaffarah or expiation, if he does the thing upon which he swore not to do.
    On the other hand, if the person swears on the Qur’an just with the intention of honoring the Qur'an and no more, then his oath is null and void.
    The opinion which is believed to be the most correct is that the person who swears by the Qur'an is obliged to pay Kaffarah in order to be on the safe side.

    “Allah will not take you to task for that which is unintentional in your oaths, but He will take you to task for the oaths which ye swear in earnest. The expiation thereof is the feeding of ten of the needy with the average of that wherewith ye feed your own folk, or the clothing of them, or the liberation of a slave, and for him who findeth not (the wherewithal to do so) then a three days' fast. This is the expiation of your oaths when ye have sworn; and keep your oaths. Thus Allah expoundeth unto you His revelations in order that ye may give thanks.” (Al-Ma’idah :89)”

    I pray and hope that you can find peace and may Allah resolve your problems.

  7. this story is touchable as read..comfort your husband to take fast and prayer and you also should do the same and Allah would forgive both..in this life every body have past you cant meet the good person without first meeting the bad person among man or woman ..you dont have to tell your currently man or woman that you are about to marry anything about your past it can end the relationship as a disaster.according to the Koran a woman or a girl must be married virgin.that was then not now again many woman are married with loosing their virginity b4 marriage..so no big deal we just have to ask for 4giveness from Allah...

    • I quote what u have said : "according to the Koran a woman or a girl must be married virgin."
      what about boys/men?

    • The Quran does not say that a woman or girl must be married virgin. Please be careful when giving advice; you must be sure your information is correct.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • fdkenny
      I found your words very insulting to say it no big deal if girls lose their virginity what kind of person are you. Of course it is a big deal not to you but to me and other decent women out there it means a lot, this is all about respect and I don’t want underage girls reading this being influenced in any way as it could have bigger consequences for them. AND for your information it is not written in the quron may I suggest you get the full facts before saying such things that are actually not the FACTS or written in our quron.

  8. samina
    dont misqote me ..
    is not under must that a woman must b married virgin but its a pride of a woman to b dat way bcos dat wud give u a full respect from ur husband...till life...........thats 4 man that knows d value.........
    not now that having sex b4 marriage thats wrong.

  9. Aoa! He doesnt give u a respect comfert happines n rlief so u must not leave with him islam gives u a right to protect your secrets Allah is enough to keep it you are not bound 2 tell ur husbnd as he nevr gave u a reward for your trust n broke ur trust evry time.

  10. why did you reveal your past sins to him after Allaah concealed them????????????????????????

    sister, you have got to understand that you can not and must not ever tell anyone about your sins, keep it between you and Allaah.

    the prophet[saww] said; Allaah will forgive someone on the day of judgement just for concealing his sins

    the prophet[saww] also said ; the worst/most disgracefull of people are those whom when Allaah concealed their sins by night, they shamelessly disclose it by day.

    a man came to ameerul-mu'mineen 'Umar one time and said.
    Oh ameer of the believers, i have a daughter from the days of jaahiliyyah whom i buried, then i dag her out just before she died, then sometime later, we heard of islaam, so we all accepted it.
    but then my daughter has commited a crime which is deserving of the huduud [ie she commited zina], and no one knows and she repented for it.but now, a good man has come to seek her hand for marraige, so should i tell him about her past?

    'Umar replied; "woe unto you, should you reveal something which Allaah has purposely disclosed, i swear by Allaah, if you dare tell anyone about her past, i will make a lesson out of you [ie i will beat you publically"

    i think the reason why you are getting abused is that you told your sins.

    please dont ever disclose your sins to anyone.
    like "i went to night club with boys, i tasted alcohol, i smoked, commited zina" etc.
    for Allaah to forgive you, you can not tell your sins to anyone.

    infact a pillar of repentance is to conceal your sins.

    Allaah ma'ak.

    • if anyone does tell about such sins to friends without knowing about this rule. Can that person ask for forgiveness and be forgiven if he then realizes and not talk of the sins to any other person?

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