My husband forced me to reveal my past to him
Salamu aleikum brothers and sisters,
My husband and I met and fell in love. Right from the start he told me about his past: his girlfriends, how many women he had slept with as well as many other sins, and also that he was neither praying nor fasting at the moment (and he still is not). I accepted it and thought that we all do mistakes and that Allah (swt) is forgiving. But later on, jealousy took over and I began to think about his past girlfriends/lovers and asking him about their looks and more. I wished he'd never told me about his past.
Before I met my husband I had committed sins myself: I had had a "relationship/friendship" with a boy (not a sexual one). At one occasion I went to a night club with friends and did what people in clubs do, I've tasted alcohol on a few occasions, smoked, talked to guys on internet (though never intending to do anything haram). After my husband had told me about his past and sins, he asked me about mine. I didn't feel comfortable talking about my past, but I also felt guilty because he truly loved me and had told me about his past, and thus I owed it to him to be honest. But I found myself unable to tell him everything, and so told half the truth about many things, and lied about many things.
He would ask me several times about my past, and I would lie as I felt and was convinced that he would never accept me if he learned the truth about what I had done.
We spent a year together before getting married, and we committed zina, both knowing it was wrong, but convincing ourselves that it was OK as we would end up getting married. Then we got married. A very, very short time before our nikkah day, my husband asked me about my past again, and that he felt I hadn't told him everything. So I told him that I had kissed the guy that I had had a relationship with. Right after I had told him that, he called me a whore, and told me that he would never marry me, and that everything was over. I was so scared (both because I loved him and didn't want to lose him over mistakes in my past, and because we had committed zina).
With the help of my friend, we managed to change his mind. But he told me that he wanted me to tell him everything about my past, and that if he wanted to, I had to swear on the Quran. My friend told me not reveal anything else from my past as it would only do harm, and that I shouldn't have to swear on the Quran, but that if he forced me I should, and Allah would understand. Anyway, I told him there was nothing else, and he didn't force me to swear on the Quran then. He was very hurt and felt betrayed, and I felt horrible as he really didn't deserve this.
After we got married he asked me about my past all over again, he threatened me that if I was lying, Allah would reveal that to him, and if I hadn't told him everything about my past he would find out, and that when he did he would surely divorce me (or kill me). He forced me to tell him everything, and then swear on the Quran, that everything I had said was true, and that I would tell him about EVERYTHING in my past, concerning me AND others (my friends, my family etc).
I was so scared, because he tried to kill me. So I swore on the Quran, and I told him about my past, but there were still some things that I kept to myself and changed. After this he would remind me that I had sworn on the Quran to tell him everything about my past, my present and about my friends' past and presents. He said that firstly, as my husband he had the right to know everything about me, and secondly, he was being honest to me about everything, even confiding in me secrets that others had entrusted him with (let it be clear that he CAN be entrusted with secrets, however, as he says, he feels that he and I are one person so by telling me he is only telling himself. When he says this, I feel even worse for not being able to be completely honest with him, and for not telling him about everything I know about others).
So out of fear from him killing me or leaving me, out of fear of the oath I gave, I revealed some of my friends' secrets and sins. And I hate myself for that, and I hate the fact that my husband forced me to do that! I hate myself for being so weak and swearing on the Quran! I hate myself for not being honest with him from the beginning! I wish I had!
And later, a short while ago, my consciense started eating me up alive as I began to fear that Allah would punish me for giving an oath and still not telling everything to my husband, and that I still didn't reveal everything about my friends. Before meeting my husband and until a short time after swearing on the Quran I was smoking behind his back. Only my very close friends knew, and I didn't tell my husband because he had forbidden me from smoking. I know I am mistaken in smoking behind his back, and for continuing even after swearing on the Quran, but alhamdulillah I realised my mistake and quit.
But as I said, a short while ago I felt the need to confess to my husband about this and a few other things. I realised at the the same moment I had confessed, that I had made a mistake; I felt that Allah had concealed my mistake and I had revealed it. Also, I told him that my friend smoked too, and she had asked mo to promise to never tell anyone about that. He got mad, called me and my friend bad names, told me he hated me, and that it was over, and that I didn't fear Allah for swearing falsely. I became crazy, started crying and begged him to stay. I felt so guilty for the pain I had caused him! He hit me severely.
Eventually, he made me swear (this time not by putting my hand on the Quran, but on Allah) that I had told him everything, would keep telling him everything, about me and others, about all my conversations with my friends and family, and that I would never do anything wrong again. I swore, but in my heart I would say "Allah, help me, you know what's in my heart, you know my intention".
Since then, brothers and sisters, I have truly awaken to see and realize all the sins I have committed. I have repented truthfully to Allah every day and night, after every prayer, and made an honest intention to never repeat any of my sins again. My husband doesn't pray or fast, and every time I tell him to come pray with me, he needs to make sure that he will not have a reason to leave salat or to do anything wrong again before he begins to pray and fast (with that he means that he needs to make sure that I will keep what I promised him, and that I will never make a mistake again).
I have read a lot about islam, about repentance, about whether a woman is obliged to tell her husband about her past before getting married. All the places I've been, I have found the same answer: Neither a man nor a woman are obliged to tell their spouses about their past or about their sins, a Muslim should conceal his/her sin, and not tell it to anyone, and repent truthfully and Allah will inshallah forgive him/her. I did NOT know about this when I swore on the Quran the first time, but right before the last incident happened I read on the Internet that a woman didn't have to tell her husband about her past, and that if she was forced to swear on the Quran or on Allah falsely she could, as Allah knows why she is doing it.
Is this true, is that allowed/halal? Or have I committed an even bigger sin by swearing? Have I committed a "yameen-ghamoos"? Is there no repentance for this, what should I do?
Now, finally, I ask of you, brothers and sisters, to guide me, tell me what to do. I want my husband to pray, fast and repent to Allah before it's too late. I want him to repent our zina past. I want him to understand that he can't reveal people's secrets, because even to tell me, his wife, it is considered haram (am I right, or is it OK to tell your husband/wife about other people's secrets/actions if you keep it between only the two of you????)
I am convinced now, that I should not reveal my friends' secrets, or tell my husband anything else about my past which I have left out, even though I swore I would. I am convinced that if I do what I swore to do, it will be haram, because gossiping is haram, revealing secrets that someone has entrusted you with is haram, and finally i now know that my husband has no right to know about my past.
Am I right? PLEASE, guide me, tell me if I'm wrong. And what if he asks me about my past again, what should I do then, should I keep on swearing, or should I try, without swearing, to tell him to never open the subject again? I have asked Allah to help me be strong and guide me, and forgive me for my weakness, and help me to never swear falsely again, and inshallah He will guide me and help me. But I hope to get the guidance of someone who may have more correct information about this.
Jezakom Allah kher!
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