Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband puts me down and treats me like he hates me

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I am 21 year old I was living my husband before marriage without nikkah

He would always talk of other girls compare me put me down at the time i didn't really notice how much is going to break me but it hurts me so much I used to hide my feelings do it back as he made me feel so low in front of hes friend he brags about how he slept with all these prostitutes like is something amazing he did  i admit im not perfect either as I used to answer back be mean at times is not that I want to be mean is like sometimes you feel so down and people around u put u down so u say these things he always said that he dont know how to treat women like how husbands are romatic they treat you nicely he told me he cant do that

we did nikkah he made it clear he cant be bothered to show love where as im the opposite i believe love is beaut full i even say to him you are so sure of this how do you know that you cant love me like show it i am always making effort dressing up to make him happy being kind but he treats me bad he says is because i disrespect him but he disrespect me in front people he talks about being free he wants total freedom go out to parties hiring cars wearing nice clothes trying it on with girls.

I thought that people forget that when they marry but sometimes he says things that hurt me makes fun of me i think hr deliberately talks of other women I have problems with trusting people because of my past i genuinely trusted this guy but he keeps hurting me i am  isolated i am at home 247 is like i am  living but i am  dead I keep thinking of committing suicide i feel ugly i have lost so much weight i feel awful and he rubs in my face as well I thought hes my life partner that he will help me i am  really really depressed i don't see life i feel so dead he says hes lost so much respect for me but i say all these things cause he put them in my head i really don't know what to do if I break up with him my family will disown me forever..

I love my husband so much he treats me horrible and I only argue because im upset I don't know why he plays these mind games im going to remarry etc im going to go hear cheat u etc is breaking me i really need help

-aisha12


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6 Responses »

  1. Assalamu alaykum Sister,

    I don't know what kind of husband and wife you both are? Living together before marriage? He going to prostitutes and talking about them and you still marrying him?

    Anyways, I would not go in to those details, as it is done already.

    Begin a peace process : be kind and loving. Forgive him for his stupid behavior. Read the Qur'an together and try to bring him in to the limits of Islam, Insha Allah. See for some days, whether he changes or not.

    If he does not change and you feel dissatisifed, hurt and without peace and you think you can live better life without him and be a good Muslim. Then seek separation.

    Do not remain stuck.

    May Allah make it easy for you.

    Salaam,
    Your brother.

  2. Dear Aisha12,

    I'm guessing that your parents don't want you to leave this guy because you lived with him before marriage. Am I right? It seems pretty clear to me. You were young and not close to your deen. So when this guy charmed you, you fell for it. You lost complete focus of Deen and Life and moved in with him. Now you are married and what is probably nothing more than a habit, you believe to be 'love'. He mistreats you and there is actually nothing you like about him apart from the image and fantasy you have created in your own mind. You wish he was like the fantasy in your mind, but he's far from it.

    The only way you are going to start find strength and happiness is by starting to work on yourself. Madame, its time for you to have a 'Wake up conversation' with yourself. Get out a bit of paper, draw three columns and make a list under each heading:

    1) What I dream of in a husband. (I would list thing like: God fearing, balanced, gentle, hard working, respectful, striving to be a good Muslim, lowers his gaze, does not engage in foul talk with anyone, is respectful and kind to all, supportive, my soul mate).
    2) All the nice things in my husband.
    3) All the negative things in my husband.

    Now take a look at your list: how many of your dreams traits does your husband have? It will only work if you are 100% honest with youself. I'll start the negative and positive points of your husband for you (and these are you own words):

    2) Negatives:
    - "He would always talk of other girls compare me put me down"
    - "He made me feel so low in front of his friends"
    - "He brags about how he slept with all these prostitutes like is something amazing"
    - "He dont know how to treat women like how husbands are romatic they treat you nicely he told me he cant do that..."
    - "We did nikkah he made it clear he cant be bothered to show love"
    - "In front people he talks about being free he wants total freedom go out to parties hiring cars wearing nice clothes trying it on with girls."
    - "He says things that hurt me makes fun of me i think hr deliberately talks of other women"
    - "He keeps hurting me"
    - "I feel ugly i have lost so much weight i feel awful and he rubs in my face as well"
    - "He says hes lost so much respect for me"
    - "He treats me horrible"
    - "I don't know why he plays these mind games im going to remarry etc im going to go hear cheat u etc"

    3) Positive:
    You have listed none.

    ***

    I did not list all the above to make you feel worse. I listed it to help you realise that you if you are hell bent on chasing 'fire', you can't expect anything good to come from it. This man in your life is clearly not a nice man. We all make mistakes Aisha, but that does not mean that we have to stay buried in the mistake because we are too embarrased to come out and admit that we messed up. You also seem to be lying to yourself, you are cheating yourself to believe that you love this man. Do you really love him? Do you really love that he talks down to you and is disloyal? This is not 'love'. He has been around you so long that he has become a habit to you.

    You clearly have a very loving nature and are a kind sweet hearted young girl. But you are feeling that if you are not with this man, then you have no future. This is not true Aisha. You have lost confidence and self respect by staying with such a man.

    ***

    Start working on yourself. You are kind loving girl. Its not too late at all to turn to Allah. Invite Him into your life. Start doing your Salaah. You are a Muslim woman. Your identity is not determined by your weight, your level of beauty, your figure or by what your husband thinks of you. Your identity is determined by your faith and your connection with Allah. Sort youself out in this department and I promise you that everything will become clearer to you inshaAllah. You will no longer love anything that is not good for you. You will seek to love that which will bring you closer to Allah. If your husband speaks of other women and says bad things about you, you will brush it off like dust off your nose, because you will know that he is talking absolute rubbish. When you feel stronger, then you will be able to stand straight and upright infront of your husband and show him that none of his words bother you anymore. And at this point, you may probably admit to yourself that you do not actually love him and will ask yourself: 'Why on earth am I married to such a man?'

    So sister, straighten yourself first, then everything will become clear to you. You have not given us much information about your parents involvement in your marriage, but it is necessary for you to communicate with them to tell them how you are feeling. Ultimately though, your strength is in reconnecting with Allah.

    ***

    Suicide is not an intelligent option, it will give you nothing but eternal misery and hell fire, more than you are feeling now. You have too much to offer the world and you can only do this if you are alive. You are Alhumdulillah an able bodied young woman. You have imprisoned yourself for long enough, now enough is enough. Wake up and be the woman that Islam enourages you to be: confident, full of life, happy, free, striving, close to Allah.

    I love you for the sake of Allah and want you to realise that you are worthy, you are intelligent and Allah does love you. He(swt) inspired you to write here to seek help didnt He?

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. SisterZ has give you excellent advice ma-sha-Allah. Please listen to her.

    My first thought when I read your post was that your husband is an abuser who gets off on being abusive. He enjoys hurting you. It gives him pleasure in some sick way. Maybe it makes him feel dominant or powerful.

    In any case he is not suitable husband material. He is not a good man.

    Sister Aisha, I doubt very much that your family would disown you if you divorce him. Explain to them what's going on, tell them it's destroying your health and that you need to get out. They might be upset or disapprove, but they will not disown you. It's better to be divorced and alone than to be with someone who is destroying you day by day.

    May Allah give you strength and help you find a way. If you get a chance, please see my recent article at IslamicSunrays.com:

    Allah Will Make a Way Out

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Assalam O Alaikum sister Aisha12,

    I am sorry for your unfortunate circumstance and I pray that may Allah (swt) provide you with the means to overcome these problems in your marriage.

    This is another example of how much difficulties we face when we break boundaries set by Allah (swt). It was absolutely wrong that you were living with this man without Nikkah before marriage committing great sin of all. I don't know how did you marry him and did you have blessings of your parents? I am afraid I won't be able to offer much help unless you provide us with more details of how you both got married and what was that you saw in him that you choose him as your partner for life? Were you aware of his behaviour before marriage? From your question sister, one thing is clear that you both used to fight and he used to verbally abuse you whenever and where ever without any respect for you. Yet! you went ahead and did Nikkah, I am seriously confused her.
    Sister! this is totally unacceptable and very immature behaviour that your husband is showing. We are supposed to hide our past mistakes not to boast about them as Allah (swt) advised us to repent and ask for forgiveness. This was the attitude of non-believer before Allah (swt) sent Holy Prophet (PBUH) who advised them that not to boast of their past sins and neither show any proud. A good Muslim will learn a lesson from all this and repent for his sins to seeks Allah's forgiveness to enter Jannah and to have blessings in every step he takes. It's pathetic and ridiculous of him to say that; he doesn't know how to treat a woman. He sure should understand that you are his wife Alhamdullilah and command greater respect rather than being treated as those cheap woman who sell their bodies Astaghfirullah.
    He needs to mend himself and change is attitude and turn to Allah (swt). If he doesn't know how to treat his wife then, he should read about the life of Holy Prophet (PBUH) who had not 1 but 11 wives Masha Allah but non of them (R.A) ever complained about his treatment toward them. If he was happy with his way of life then why did he marry you in the first place. Sister, What I don't understand is that why did you marry him if you knew his bad character and behaviour and treatment of woman? Thinking that a man will change after marriage or any woman as his wife will change him for better often doesn't work sister.
    I can see that you have done almost everything that you could to change him but he hasn't, may be he is taking revenge on you for all the fights you used to have before and you arguing with him. I am not sure but it looks like so.

    Sister, please for Allah sake, never ever think of suicide in billion years. Do you think that suicide is the solution to your problem? Do you think that a person like him will change if you do suicide? What about people who love and care for you? I mean your parents. No matter what kind of relationship you have had with them, they still love you my sister. We don't realise how much pain our parents go through when we hurt them or when they see us in pain/trouble simply because some thing until we become one. When someone commits suicide; he/she shows that they don't have trust or faith in Allah (swt) and fall for shaytan's trap. A person who does commit suicide keeps repeating their action until the day of judgement sister. THINK ABOUT ALL THIS AND SEE IS IT WORTH?
    Alhamdullilah, you are so young, I mean come on sister you are just 21 and you can still find someone if this guy doesn't change himself for good. Remember sister, since he has been with many dirty woman; its also very risky as being with him in a relationship unless he had all the tests before marriage to see if he is carrying an STD or not. Now, what you can do is;

    1- Speak to him one final time and tell him how you feel? Why you feel this way and what he can do to make you feel better?

    2- Remember sister, make sure that you both don't end up having an argument. So, try to remain calm and don't lose your cool, even if he starts raising his voice.

    3- I don't know if you both married with your parents consent or not but if you both married with your parents consent then you can involve your parents. If your parents didn't consent this marriage then you can involve a religious figure and Imam or Mufti in your area who can help you to resolve these issues in marriage.

    4- If he still is in contact with those woman then tell him to STOP AT ONCE and it's even better to not get intimate with him. Even though you are his wife but you are not supposed to obey him if he is engaged in haram activities with other woman. There is no harm in dis-obedience to someone who is going against Allah (swt) and teachings of Holy Prophet (PBUH).

    5- If he still doesn't change then I am afraid there is nothing much you can do. Get a divorce and find someone who will treat you as his most precious possession Insha Allah and will help you to improve in your religion and will be your companion in Jannah Insha Allah:)

    6- Also, try not to get pregnant with him sister please. As you don't want to start family with such a person who do not have any shame and won't be a role model for your children.

    I hope all this helped and please write back if you need further assistance and we brothers and sisters will try to help you insha Allah. I pray to Allah (swt) to help you in these difficult times and to give you wisdom and understanding to make the best decision for both worlds Insha Allah. (Amin)

    Wasalam,
    Your brother in Islam,
    Muhammad1982.

    Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

  5. Salam Alaikum sister, before he married you he made it clear that he wasn't a romantic guy or wanted to show love, he goes to parties and talks about prostitutes etc etc...

    you knew what type of guy he was! now.. you have lived with him, experienced a horrible relationship.

    All I can say girl is get out of the relationship! it is clearly a bad one, he is clearly the wrong type of guy, you didn't know at the time, but now insha allah you can be a stronger better muslim woman a practicing woman, start praying wearing hijab if u are not already, and inshala look for a nice practising muslim husband who wears a beard prays five times a day and has muslim friends.

    It is very important when chosing a muslim husband that he is practising and a good kind gentle person.

    Forget all that my family will disown me stuff if i leave him, if ur family do that then they are not kind people, send them a letter and tell them what he is like, and say in islam divorce is halal under certain situations and that now u want to be a stronger muslim woman, don't let them brainwash u into thinking u are the wrong one, dont let him brainwash u, he will try to blaim u but he doesnt want responsibility for his behavior. he might try and kiss u and say dont leave me i will be different, but dont fall for it he just wants to be incharge, then he will telll u to leave, just leave him and dont get into any argument allah will help u, if u pra to Allah

  6. Sister one thing I don't get is why did u get married to this guy? I mean he is so proud that he has sleept with girls n ect, if I were u I would try to make him go into deen if not i would leave him cuz u deserve so much more n trust me a mother can't never disown her child n tell ur family if they still don't get it give them time n sort out urself cuz u r precious n don't let anyone treat u like that I love u for sake of Allah

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