Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband is a good man but he ignores me, doesn’t share anything and is always silent

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Quiet man.

Assalam O Alaikum,

I have been married for a year now and my husband has never sat down to actual talk to me. Before we got married we never spoke to each other beyond salams.

I know now that might have been a mistake but I trusted what people said about him and what he brought forth everyone in my community said he is an amazing brother shy and truly religious that proved true.

When we did our nikah my mother & I paid for everything because he did not have anything and did not offer to help. He did not take me to a house of my own rather I lived with my family he never spoke to me never told me things on his mind or what he planned to do with me being his wife he never planned with me how we were to move in together or when he was getting a job. At first I passed it off as shyness, I told myself he will get comfortable & start sharing things with you.

However I soon became pregnant under my fathers roof and that made me feel so wrong so cheap. He didnt provide for me at all while I was pregnant. Never showed me mercy it got to a point where I couldn't take it any more after trying to talk even under the stress of being pregnant and the firing hormones.

I tried to stay stable minded enough to communicate my feelings. I cried at his feet he even made me write him an email because he claimed "he didn't get what my problem was". I was confused and hurt and still pregnant in my father's house which in my community is shameful.

I decided that knowing the deen is not enough if one doesn't act on it or show mercy because the deen of Allah is rahma. I decided I wanted a divorce and he gave it to me, divorced me while I was 6 months pregnant. I went to all the sheiks in my community and they agreed with my decision however because of pressure from family and friends I decided to give our marriage another try for the sake of my unborn child.

So, we got back together and moved in together when I was 9 months.

We have been living together for a month now and he is still as silent as ever. He makes me feel like nothing. I have sat him down I have cried to him I have asked him why he refuses to speak to me but I never get an answer.

My husband is very religious all he does is read Quran, he has a beard that shows the sunnah and only wears pants to work other times he is dressed in his khamis which is doing a lot in the United States. He isn't violent he is shy and jolly, he jokes a lot we can joke but never actually talk. We are more like roommates then a married couple.

I am not saying he is a bad person but he refuses to change or even take responsibility for his errors for the sake of our marriage. I am tired of this cycle we have first we are joking and everything seems nice from the outside but then that's all we are doing joking without showing each other the emotions of love and respect a wife and husband are suppose to be sharing.

My greatest fear is having another child with this man because I know the hell I went through. I can't be in a relationship where I don't know anything about my husband he doesn't even tell me if he is sick. What can I do now because if this goes on I am afraid for my mental health and I am tired of begging and crying and being ignored.

- Dunya


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20 Responses »

  1. Sister Dunya, As-salamu alaykum,

    What you and your husband need is not a divorce but marriage counseling. Men and women communicate in different ways. It's not uncommon for men to be uncommunicative about their problems or their feelings. Men are taught that being stoic is a part of being a "real man". You said he's jolly and jokes around - that's how some men communicate. It's also how some men deal with stress - silence on the one hand, or jokes on the other.

    Women are "heart to heart" types - they need to talk about their feelings, and to connect to other human beings on a deeper emotional level.

    You and your husband should meet regularly with someone who will help the two of you learn to talk to each other. I don't think the two of you are a bad match, or that your husband is terrible, or that your expectations are unreasonable. You're just two different people who have not yet learned to communicate in a way that works for both of you.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Brother Wael,

      This is very good advice.

      He may just never have learned how a husband and wife communicate. It could be in his family growing up he had no example of how to do so.

      Whatever the cause, it they can learn to communicate, I think everything will be fine.

      AmericanMuslim
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Sister i know a few people who have been in this kind of marriage as well as myself with a religious husband who is good but does not know how to provide for his wife and family and they think its fine to carry on this way, at the beginning of my marriage i to was supported financially by my family it was very embarrassing, and he would be very quite as well but only with me and my family everyone else he was very talkative it was almost like he was acting out a role of a highly religious person, i observed this for a while and then question him on it and told him how it made him look in my eyes like a very fake deceitful person Alhamdulilah he stopped soon after, sister its worth speaking to your husband about these things and not in a way that you end up crying and getting over emotional sister in this day and age its very hard to find a man who reads Quran and takes this deen seriously so i would advise you to be the one to talk first and make a Family Man out of him insha'Allah Khair,

  3. Bismilla Irrahmaan Irraheem . . .
    Assalam Sister You are making a fuss out of it he is your husband you are his wife do all sort of things you can do cry make him understand get angry get emotional everything Seduce him to your peak make him your slave of your womenness thats the joy of life and Who doesnot want get Seduced by her soulmate.

    Allah would not feel bad if a wife seduces her husband . Rather Allah is ok with it and would feel happy that his Kids are Happy with one another am sure you got to get Feminized with him and make him dance to your tunes. . . and life keep us posted

    Best Regards
    Iqbal.

  4. Dear brother Iqbal,

    you may not have meant it but the concept of Allah and us is not of He is the father and we are the kids.

    'Rather Allah is ok with it and would feel happy that his Kids are Happy with one another.'

    also a woman's role as a wife is not just to seduce her husband. she has some rights as well. you marry someone to have companionship.

  5. Sister, did you tried to get to know him before marriage, did you guys even talk? Or you guys marred each other based on the what the community saw him as. I am sorry that your going through this. Try to different activities, have a picnic, play games, join clubs. Express your feelings to him.

  6. Walaykum assalaam wr wb,

    Sister, some of the qualities you mentioned about your husband are similar to my brother in law. But my brother in law is very responsible person when it comes to food n shelter, but he doesn't give my sister a penny in cash or credit card. He is millionaire and a God fearing n religious guy but when it comes to his wife he is very different. My sister calls me every now n then to through out her frustration. He never talks to my sistrr, when they are home n with kids he doesnt talk to his wife. My sister feels so cheap of herself cuz he doesn't speak. And he would share every damn thing with the whole world and even me but not to his wife.

    Now, he prays 5times, helps his friends, family and neighbors to the core. Even when I visit his house, out of love he would welcome me more than his own brother. And he respects my sister a lot for her taqwa and akhlaaq. Even in the initial days of her wedding he called us thanked us for the kind of akhlaaq we taught her.But he treats my sister like a servant who should do all cores n help kids. Some how he has in mind that if women is given too much control then they would start contrilling and would harm other relations.

    Because of being always quiet and not sharing anything,my sister gets so mad n cries infront of him but no response. But still she loves her a lot and prays that one day someone would share with him about the rights of a wife.

    So sister, your husband would understand this one some scholar speaks to him and share details about the institution of marriage. Most of spouses try to put their culture in their marriages which is wrong. Like I advice my sister I would advice you, it is really tough to get religious n sincere guys now a days, no one is perfect in this world. Try to work with them, have sabar and make lots of duas..InshaAllah I pray that May Allah do what is best for you and if he is your best husband then may He make your marriage easy n successful.

    • American Muslim I agree with you.. My husband had the same problem .. his mother & father lived apart since his childhood .. Father was in a relationship with an polish women all those years .. My husband had no positive role model in the family ...he told he never new how to be loving & caring he said he never was bought up in such an environment ... I've put up with his anger problems & sudden anger leading to violence for years feeling sorry for him thinking if I don't be there for him who will .. I was told he had a cold isolated childhood where he would watch other children play bit never play himself... I like most probably many girls was bought up believing I would get married & live happily ever after .. thought I would get married like princesses do.. Strangely enough it all hit me , everything was so so the opposite ...hope your communication improves inshallah .. wsalam

      • Sister, PLEASE stop writing "deleted" in the URL field on your comments. This is my third time asking you. From now on I will simply delete your comments.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  7. I cant understand this feeling because in my case my wife is totally in support of family. Daily she makes mood to me. I love her & wanted to stop her being rude but all in vain. Now from three months i am ignoring her & InshaAllah i'll not try to bent after her. because theres a time when you need some one & If you are successful to live without your better half.

    Just don't expect love from him. you love him & you cant stop loving him because it shows your nature.
    Just reply to him for some time & ignores him. he will tend towards you

    InshaAllah....

  8. sister, i am sorry you are suffering like this. alhamdulah your husband reads quran and so you must sit with him and use examples of our beloved prophet SAWS and how he treated his wives. maybe this will open his eyes and change his ways. sit with him and tell him this is how you feel and that the prophet SAWS was like this and like that and did this and did that and use specific examples and hadith and since he is a religious man, inshallah he will understand and know and maybe improve.

    Also if he ever does something you like, praise him and explain to him thats exactly what you like etc etc.

    Men need to be told exactly.. hints, crying, etc dont do much. u need to take him by the hand and word for word show and explain.....and maybe also see counselling but i doubt men of this culture care for it. sadly.

    and make lots of dua !

  9. stop making assumptions communicate communication is key if you don't have that whats the point in getting married.

  10. Sister, InshaAllah this will make u feel better. I have been married 10 years and i have 3 children. i have the same issue about my hubby being silent all the time. His silence was too such degree that i feel insecure for example he has never defended me or protected me to anyone thats y lots of times i have had members of family saying hurtful words to me in front of him. nor is he responsible financially, emotionally etc. just like you have said i feel that he has a good heart too and is not harmful. Over the years i find that he has lost his self respect in my eyes. i care for him but is reducing everyday. im the mum and dad for my kids. i take responsiblity for myself n my children. I am used to it but every now and then it hurts to know that despite having a partner i feel like a single mum. I thank Allah for giving me the strength. He loves my children but has no time for us. i wont b happy without him so id rather b a little unhappy with him coz at least my kids can get to see him. (every little counts!)

    • may Allah reward you greatly for your patience sister "muslim sister". it is mothers like you that define the sentence "janna lies beneath the feet of mothers".

  11. Asalamu Alaykum,
    Sister I understand your situation and I pray that Allah will make it easy for all of us with husbands like this ameen. I am in a similar situation with a brother who reads Quran prays obligatory and nawaffal and is general trying to be upon the guidance. However, this makes them very anti social for some reason which I still don't understand because our nabi pbuh was a family man who laugh and joked. My husband does not listen to my sincere advice he thinks he knows better than me, he does not interact with my son unless he's giving him an order, he's stubborn, controlling, uncompromising, and immature. So I have no advice on how to change him only Allah can do that through our duas. Know one else will really understand what we go through because None of these are good reasons for divorce. He takes care of us and he is rightly guided and Allah knows best, but flawed as a man, father and husband. So what I have decide to do is ignore him and stick to my duties and forget about my rights because he does not know how to act right if he did he would. this may include getting a job, finding a hobby, getting together with sisters, involving yourself with the ummah, whatever you have to do in a Halal way to fulfill your life and make you happy. Take the focus off of expecting him to make you happy because he is incapable of that right now. Allah loves the patient and holds the duas of a oppressed person very seriously.If our husbands were truly "religious" they would consider us and treat us fairly but the shaytan hates the believers and men like our husbands he may not be able to whisper to them to abandon the salat or curse or drink. But shaytan is clever so he seduces them in other ways that are more hidden especially to them. It is apparent to us because we live with these upright but anti social men. I truly understand your pain sister and I pray that Allah give us the good in this life and the hereafter ameen. But don't hold your breathe for that perfect man in this dunya!! Everyone is not blessed with a nurturing, understanding, dependable, religious, funny, good looking husband lol So we take what we are given from our lord who knows best our needs- jazakuAllah khair

    • He's not antisocial because he's religious, he's antisocial because he's antisocial. Convince your husband to attend couples counseling with you so that he can learn to communicate.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  12. Asalamu Alaykum,
    Brother wael I would have agreed with you 7 months ago however being born a muslim I have learned how to navigate in the dunya and Allah knows best in a way that I don't think that reverts to islam can relate. I have observed my husband and his behaviors and its apparent to me that because of the life he used to live he does not feel comfortable living a "normal" life as a religious man, because of this he rather be quiet, not laugh stay in seclusion read Quran and do everything for his ibadah which is praiseworthy. That is perfectly fine if you want to be by yourself, but my husband cant be by himself because of his nafs, So it is the "religion" in this case that is making my husband act the way he does. In my opinion he would be by himself if it were not for his desires, He has not learned to adjust and give everyone there rights His lord first and his Family, and on top of that you cant tell him anything because he feels justified in only performing ibadah even if its at the expense of his family and who am I to tell him differently? I can only tell him how it makes me feel. As far as counseling he will not go because he does not like that sheiks agree with me as far as giving his family there rights he does not want to hear the truth he only wants to do what he wants to do for himself, so I have to do what I have to do for myself and this is the advice I give to my sister.

  13. When my husband would rather read Surah Kahf then spend an evening with me doing something I planned for us which is also halal how is it not his religiousness that's making him anti social? Please explain to me I would love to be enlightened. JazakuAllah Khair

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