My husband has been incarcerated for 14 years, I can’t wait anymore
My husband has been incarcerated for over 14 yrs now and I find myself needing him intimately more than ever. i am struggling with my inner body to not cheat but as a woman i am needing intimacy more than ever.. what do i do. i dont want to divorce him and we don't know for sure how much longer he has. i don't want to commit sins either.. inshallah someone help me!
- Ms. Lonely
Sister Noorah's Answer:
Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim
Dear Ms. Lonely,. Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah
I don't know why your husband has been incarcerated, but you must be a very loyal woman to wait for him all this time. You stated the choices you have; you can either stay married to him, struggling to remain chaste, or you can divorce him and get on with your life, inshAllah finding a good Muslim man to keep you chaste and to fulfill also your need for human companionship.
You are the only one who can make this decision. I'm assuming he has not served his full term and has to go periodically before the parole board, so this means they can either parole him or make him continue to serve his time. If he were never to be paroled, how long would he be in prison before serving his full term, considering time off for good behavior, time off for overcrowding, or other issues that may affect his sentence? Can you figure out what the MAXIMUM time he has remaining is? Like, if he is serving up to a twenty-five year term, then this could bean another eleven years. Are you willing to wait that long? I could perhaps understand making that kind of sacrifice if my husband were unjustly arrested by some tyrant keeping him a political prisoner, but not if he committed a crime such as a serious drug crime, manslaughter, or something of that nature. If he is indeed guilty of such a crime, then you are allowing his bad decision to take over your life, depriving yourself for over a decade of the possibility of having a husband in bed beside you, waking up next to you, sharing intimacy with you, sharing even a cup of coffee with you, and of course you are depriving yourself of having children if you are not allowed conjugal visits.
You know your strength and weakness. If you are doing all you can to remain chaste, which is praying, fasting, keeping good company and keeping busy with work and charitable deeds, it may be that your body is telling you it is time to move on. What do you feel for your husband? Do you still feel committed to him, or have you lasted this long out of some sense of loyalty or duty? You have to answer those hard questions and then decide what you should do. If he did the crime, does that mean you also have to do his time, buy putting your body in prison for fourteen or more years?
Your decision is pretty straightforward - stay married or divorce. Whatever you decide, you will have to commit yourself to it 100%. I suggest you pray the salat al istakhara, the prayer where you ask Allah to guide you in a decision, and see if that gives you a resolution. You can visit the links at the top of the page here on our website to see how to pray it and how you should utilize this prayer.
I wish you the best, and I won't tell you what I would do in such a situation because, honestly, I don't know. You have to make the decision that will bring you closer to Allah. An important component of that is remaining chaste, by either not engaging in marital relations outside of marriage, or by finding a compatible man to marry. Turn to Allah and ask Him for guidance, and He will help you out of your dilemma.
Fi Aman Allah,
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