My husband looks at other women
Shouldn't my husband control his gaze?
I wanted to know what Islam says about a husband looking at other women.
I am concerned as my husband is always looking at other women whether we are outside together or it's nude pictures of other women.
I've told him how it makes me feel but he won't stop, it makes me feel sick to my stomach that he does this, I don't look at other men, please provide some feedback on this.
- ahuss
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Assalam Mulakim, sister
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever seeks to be chaste, Allaah will make him chaste, and whoever seeks to be independent of means, Allaah will make him independent of means, and whoever strives to be patient, Allaah will make him patient…” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 1400)
– Avoiding places where a person feels he will be exposed to the temptation of looking, if he can manage to avoid them, such as going to marketplaces or malls, and sitting in the street. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Beware of sitting in the street.” They said, “We have no alternative; that is where we sit and talk.” He said, “If you insist on sitting there, then give the street its rights.” They said, “What are the rights of the street?” He said, “Lowering the gaze and refraining from causing offence…” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 2333; Muslim, 2121).
– You should realize that you have no choice in this matter, regardless of what the circumstances are and no matter how great the temptation or motive to do evil, and no matter what emotions and overwhelming desires stir in your heart. You must lower your gaze and refrain from looking at haraam things in all places and at all times. You cannot use excuses such as the environment being corrupt or justify your mistakes by saying that there is a lot of temptation around. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“It is not for a believer, man or woman, when Allaah and His Messenger have decreed a matter that they should have any option in their decision. And whoever disobeys Allaah and His Messenger, he has indeed strayed into a plain error”
[al-Ahzaab 33:36]
– Doing a lot of naafil acts of worship, because doing a lot of them whilst also regularly doing obligatory acts of worship is a means of protecting one's physical faculties. According to a hadeeth qudsi, Allaah said: “… and My slave continues to draw close to Me with supererogatory (naafil) works so that I shall love him. And when I love him, I am his hearing with which he hears, his seeing with which he sees, his hand with which he strikes and his foot with which he walks. Were he to ask (something) of Me, I would surely give it to him, and were he to ask Me for refuge, I would surely grant him it.” (al-Bukhaari, 6137
– Remembering that the earth on which sin is committed will bear witness. Allaah says:
“That Day it will declare its information (about all that happened over it of good or evil)”
[al-Zalzalah 99:4]
– Remembering the angels who are recording your deeds. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“But verily, over you (are appointed angels in charge of mankind) to watch you,
Kiraaman (Honourable) Kaatibeen —writing down (your deeds),
They know all that you do”
[al-Infitaar 82:10-12]
– Bearing in mind some of the texts which forbid letting the gaze wander freely, such as the verse in which Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things)”
[al-Noor 24:30]
– Avoiding looking unnecessarily, so that you only look at what you need to look at, and you do not let your gaze wander right and left so that it falls upon something the effects and fitnah of which cannot be got rid of quickly.
– Marriage, which is one of the most effective remedies. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever can afford it, let him get married, for it is more effective in lowering the gaze and in guarding one’s chastity. And whoever cannot afford it, let him fast, for it will be a shield for him.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 1806; Muslim, 1400).
– Fasting – because of the hadeeth quoted above.
– Doing obligatory acts of worship as Allaah has commanded, such as prayer. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Verily, As‑Salaah (the prayer) prevents from Al‑Fahshaa’ (i.e. great sins of every kind, unlawful sexual intercourse) and Al‑Munkar (i.e. disbelief, polytheism, and every kind of evil wicked deed)”
[al-‘Ankaboot 29:45]
– Remembering al-hoor al-‘ayn, which will give you a motive to be patient in avoiding that which Allaah has forbidden, hoping to get al-hoor al-‘ayn. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Companions of Equal Age ”
[al-Naba’ 78:33]
And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “… If a woman of the people of Paradise were to look out over the people of this earth, it would light up everything in between and fill it with fragrance, and the veil of her head is better than this world and everything in it.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 2643).
– Bearing in mind the shortcomings of the one who is looked at and the filth and waste material they carry in their gut.
– Being ambitious and focusing on nobler things.
– Checking on yourself from time to time and striving to make yourself lower your gaze whilst realizing that everyone makes mistakes.
– Thinking of the pain and regret that will result from this looking, and the effects of letting one’s gaze wander.
– Understanding the benefits of lowering one's gaze, as mentioned above.
– Bringing up this topic in meetings and gatherings, and explaining its dangers.
– Advising your relatives, telling them not to wear clothes that attract attention and show their attractions, such as how they dress, wearing bright colours, how they walk, speaking too softly, etc.
– Warding off passing thoughts and whispers from the Shaytaan before they take hold and are acted upon. Whoever lowers his gaze after the first glance will be saved from innumerable problems, but if he keeps looking he cannot be certain that seeds that will be difficult to remove will not be planted in his heart.
– Being afraid of a bad end, and of feeling regret at the point of death.
– Keeping company with good people, because you are naturally affected by the characteristics of the people you mix with, and a person will follow the way of his close friend, and a friend will pull you to follow his way.
– Knowing that the zina of the eye is looking, and that should be sufficient to put you off.
Adapted from an essay entitled Ghadd al-Basr (Lowering the Gaze) by a student of sharee’ah.
And Allaah knows best.
It is clear that deliberately looking at a non-mahram woman and continuing to look after a first accidental glance is haraam. It is forbidden to look at any part of her body, whether you think she is beautiful or not, whether it provokes sexual desire or not, whether it is accompanied by evil thoughts or not, and whether it leads to immoral deeds or not. Tell your husband it is absolutely haram to glance at other women except you. If it still doesn't work you could try to threaten him with a divorce. Threatening him with a divorce is the "LAST" thing you should do. I hope this helps sister.
We ask Allaah to protect you and us from all haraam deeds. Allaah is the One Who guides to the Straight Path
Allah says in the quraan "la taqrabu zina" meaning And do not come close to zina.otherwise look ur a muslim who should be focussing on ur imaan and not let some wrongdoer distract u just make dua and u said u told him how u felt and he keeps doing it the prophet s.a.w said something to this effect if u cannot stop something bad with ur hands then stop it with ur tongue if not then with ur hands if not then with ur heart u tried he didnt so u continue doing good and leave or else ull push him to go sleep with d woman.ALLAH sees everything so chill Allah will deal with him.
Salaams Sister,
My estranged husband would do the same. He would do this more so when he saw how upset I became. I then expressed my fears that his actions of committing zina with the eyes would lead him to commit adultery. The more I revealed how upset I was, I ended up presenting myself as very insecure. My husband played on my insecurity and things became much worse. I'm not exactly saying this is your husbands intention but anyhow he ought to realise as well as this being haraam, he is being disrespectful to you by doing this.
I recommend that you do not reveal your insecurites. Present yourself in a confident manner. You should present all evidence from Qur'an and authentic hadith that explains that his actions are wrongful. Suggest that you both attend some form of Islamic counselling, as maybe he won't listen to you but may realise when this is coming from someone else. If that fails to make him see the errors of his ways then as advised above, suggest a divorce.
At the end of the day, we alone cannot change a person. It is up to that person if Allah wills it. Surah Ar' Rad, verse 11 says;
...Verily never will Allah change the condition of a people until they change it themselves with their own souls...
It is hard and hurtful, but don't let this overtake you, otherwise you will cause yourself to suffer unnecessarily. Do what is right by Allah and pray for help, guidance and forgiveness. Make dua that your husband will realise but if he fails to realise, pray to Allah to make you strong enough to deal with the aftermath.
At the end of the day, marriage is a blessing and so on. However, each of us have our own journey back to Allah. Thus whatever testing times come our way, we have to try to deal with them rationally, never falter and of course be patient.
Take care,
Hopeful
It is truly forbidden to to look at a non-mahram with the intention of lust and desire. The Qu'ran tells
man and women to lower their gazes and at the time of our holy prophet s.a.v.s. many Jewish and
Christian women weren't veiled, so this applies to unveiled women as well. The fact that everyone
around us is half-naked is often brought as an excuse, but it is in fact unislamic. It is forbidden to
look at non-mahram , full stop. However, you should ask yourself a few questions: Did he feel
attracted to you from the beginning? Does he get sex as often as he needs it? Is he frustrated?
Please, my sister, don't misunderstand me, it's just that men have a different fitra compared to
women and different urges, inclinations and desires than women. There is one hadith of our
holy prophet, when he said: If a husband and a wife aren't together for one night, the angels
are going to curse both of them. This shows how important this issue is.
A woman doesn't show weakness by telling her husband that he shouldn't look at other women. A woman
denies her fitra by pretending that she doesn't care. Love in Islam is protected by the private harim
Allah subhanahu va taala chose for us. Love needs to be protected, otherwise it' s not going to stay.
Taking advantage of the weakness of the partner is childish and mean, would he like you to flirt with
other men?????? Surely not and if u love someone, you care, about him, his feelings, his looks.
Again, the question if you married out of faith has to be asked, for if a person of faith would never behave
like this.
Salaam my Sister,
I am sorry for the frustration and anxiety you are feeling over this. A wandering eye is not a habit that any husband or wife can tolerate.
"Verily Allah gets jealous and the believer gets jealous and the jealousy of Allah is to see a believer doing unlawful acts." [Bukhari #4925, & Muslim #2761]
The problem that I feel I have identified is that your husband is not hearing what you are saying. There are types of listening and the one we want from people is called active listening - when the person you are speaking to hears your words, understands and responds to them. Your husband is not hearing you - and if he is hearing you, he is definitely not hearing that he must respond or change his ways.
Because I have not heard your voice, seen you speak or witnessed any conversation between you and your husband upon this topic I am going to broadly cover some usual mistakes and their solutions.
Usual mistakes are grumbling under one's breath, bringing up the topic "gently", or "carefully", pleading, using a complaining voice, crying, whining, speaking about the important topic when there are distractions / people there / public places, shouting, having a tantrum, emotional outburst, explaining from the point of view of "why are you doing this?!". If there is any emotion in your voice at all, your husband will dismiss it as a burst of feeling rather than the sustained and sincere request that it is. Another massive mistake that people make is to issue threats in a burst of anger "if I see you on that computer one more time I am going to break it" that they have no intention of following through and then the person they have spoken with learns that threats are empty and unlikely to be fulfilled. Another mistake is to give up the conversation entirely when the person we are speaking to displays a strong or emotional reaction.
Don't quit trying to get your message through until you are 100% that it has got through.
Whatever we say at the height of emotion is immediately disabled due to the fleeting nature of emotions. Anger subsides, grief heals, frustration wanes....always deliver important things in a state of calm and logic when you are at your most sane.
The best way to communicate firmly with your husband is to sit down with him and tell him firmly that there is something important you have to say and that he must listen to you. Make sure the TV is off, that he is looking at you and that he appears to be listening.
Then, in a firm tone (and by that I mean a tone that is devoid of emotion or manipulation) you tell him very clearly: "looking at other women is 100% unacceptable to me and when you do it: I don't like you at that point and I am not happy at that point, I am very serious about this and you need to hear what I am saying because I don't want to repeat it".
He may react in a myriad of ways ranging from denial, to anger to explanation. Ignore this process completely and stay on task. Say it again and ask him "did you hear what I said?" and make sure that he has heard you. DO NOT lose focus and get into an argument,. or fight - do not let your emotions take over, do not cry, do not falter. Hold your ground. If he says "sorry, I won't do it again" don't believe him immediately, take a real and proper oath: make sure he is genuine and not just trying to end the conversation.
Once you are sure that he has heard you, tell him that you don't consider him a child that needs to be taught and disciplined - and that understanding should be enough. Tell him clearly that you are not threatening him: you are simply telling him the truth and it is up to him to solve this problem. This is not just an issue of marriage and showing respect to his wife, but an issue of religion also.
If, after you have done this process, then you will need to repeat this conversation. I would say a maximum of 5 times is enough to accelerate your talking to the next level - which is to issue the threat of a consequence to his actions which is really up to you what that consequence is. The consequence really depends on how seriously you take this and how much you are willing to give up to not have to deal with this. You must follow through on every single thing that you say without any fear or worry, and you must continue like this to the end.
People respond to what we say when our voice and language conveys honesty, and the absolute willingness and determination to achieve our objective.
You have every right to tell your husband he cannot look at other women, naked or clothed and I fully support you in this.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
since hes intentially lookin at other women, i suggest you poke his eyes out. but seriously if he loves you then he would have put your feelings in consideration.
peace.................