my husband wants a second wife i can’t understand this
Aslaam a lakum
i am a married woman and i have two beautiful daughters (mashallah). i am experiencing a great dilemma at the moment as my husband wishes to take a second wife. I do not understand this but he feels it is an islamic obligation for him to do this. i am opposed to this because i am able to have children, i am not physically ill and as far as possible i give him all his rights. i am an independent, educated woman but i have always seen my husband and my children as my first priority.
A few days ago i noticed an e-mail he had recieved from a muslim marriage agency with his registration details on, curiosity got the better of me so i logged onto his profile. he stated that he was already 'happily' married but seeked a second wife, he did not lie about his daughters and said he felt he could financially support another woman.
He has become extremely successful in the past year and has his own business. i dont know if his sudden wealth gain is linked to this beahviour. he also also began practising salafism from around six months ago. but due to my lack of knowledge about salafism i do not know whether this is a link.
on his profile he stated that he wanted a second wife who was religous and was willing to have children yet he has never mentioned wanting to change me or to educate me about his salafi beliefs and he has also never expressed his desire for more children, on both counts i would be more than willing to oblige.
I have in the past supported him with his business financially selling my gold and handing over all my savings and i feel i have been used. since discovering his details on the site i do not feel i can allow him to have any physical relations with me. he has in the past mentioned a second wife and i have always been clear that the other woman would be his only wife as i feel he could never treat us equally.
please guide me with advice from a islamic perspective as i am emotianally desperate and i feel it is affecting my capabilities as a mother, wife and woman
khuda hafiz
- Sister s3
218 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
asalamu alaikum sister,
thank you for your question. in islam it is permissable to have a second wife you should accept his choice. but he is required to treat both of his wives equally if he can not do this then he should refrain from marrying another. theres a hadith which our beloved prophet(saw) said in sahih muslims inshallah hope that answer your quesion.
ma salama
Ahmed....why should the sister just 'accept' her husband's decision to want to marry again??
Your advice is cold and out of touch of the sister's feelings.
Salaam...
why islam dont understand the feeling of a woman...she has given him every happiness than y he has to go to another woman.wen a man cannot execpt another man in his wife's life than how can a woman excepts it. Allah has given same heart and brain to man and woman. wen man can get hurt if his wife does something like this than y man dont understand his wife's feeling.
i will this is sooo cold. please dont tell me the reason that woman cannot cause she give birth to kids and if she had more than one man u cannot find out whose child is it.
i agree...on this. but man should bring another woman in his wife's life.
i really feel islaam is very cold towards the women's feeling....
i am too a muslim and feels very sad with this rule in islaam.
Assalamu alaykum, sister refrain your tongue from criticising the religion which Allah Ta'ala has revealed unto mankind, Polygamy is the Sunnah of the Noble Messengers and it's a decree ordained by Allah Ta'ala. If you have you're own issues about not accepting Allah Ta'alas decree then be wise how you word it, Islam is Allah Ta'ala favour completed upon mankind. You suggest Islam is cold are you Suggesting that Allah Ta'ala has deficiencies in regard to the Wisdom of His creation and his understanding? Naoothobillah min thaalik!
This is sad to me. You cannot possibly understand what she must feel like. She has two daughters and it seemed to her that the marriage was great. She also stated that she had previously discussed with her husband that she was not ok with a second wife. In Islam if you do take multiple wives you are supposed to treat them equally which is absolutely impossible, you will always love one more than the other. I'm watching my parents go through a divorce because of this right now. Its killing me. And I realize that the root of the problem is Islam. This religion is so twisted that it people to kill and take multiple wives and never thinks about the woman who have to live with the other women that their husbands are screwing. I thank Jesus im no longer subject to this fate.
Mariyam,
You have an extremely distorted understanding of Islam. It is natural for a man with two wives to love one wife more than the other, but it is also possible to treat them equally - although very difficult. Which is why, the Quran instructs men not to take more than one wife if they will not be able to treat them both/all equally, the Quran reminds the men that they will be held accountable for any wrongs on their part.
Furthermore, you may be interested to know, that since the beginning of time, men have been marrying more than one woman at the same time, (not just taking 2 or 4 wives, but several to hundreds); yet none of the religious texts appear to have shown any prohibition or restrictions towards it. The Quran is the only Book that addresses this issue of polygamous marriages and taking into account what was happening socially at the time and other divine Wisdoms, Allah(swt) restricted a man to marrying up to 4 wives but no more than one if he cannot do justice with them all. If men wish to ignore that part about doing justice and equal treatment, that is their lack of understanding and cannot be attributed to Islam.
***
As for you thanking Jesus - you should be thanking your Creator for whatever blessing you have. Jesus(peace be upon him) did not create you, he himself was a created being who ate, slept, excreted, urinated, desired etc - just like you and I.
Jesus submitted to the will of his Creator, so he was a Muslim. It would do you good to read from the sources before criticizing about that which you do not know.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Please make Tauba. and try to learn more about Islam. Look for some DVD's of Khalid Yasin and watch them.
Sister z ,
since the beginning of time men did not practice pologamy
because if you look at the origins we all came from Adam and eve.
so i just wanted to correct you on that one.
anyways love your responses
SisterZ
Because he's a man and they all want us to agree to polygamy. If the tables were turned I wouldn't be so sure he would be so accommodating and take into consideration the womans feelings.
Yes its a halal but under certain circumstances I believe. There must be equality and even the Quraan says 'wa lan taa dilou' and ye cannot balance so keep one.
The circumstances for multiple marriage, to be successful is that the 1st wife must be in complete agreement and there are some cases that this happens.
If the woman is inlove with her husband is impossible for the woman to share her husband.
If she just loves him ( there is a huge difference between being IN love and just love) that would make it a marriage of convenience, and theres nothing wrong with that for some women.
Only in that case do I believe that a woman wont feel hurt or ravaged because her heart wouldnt be involved romantically and the imagination that her husband with another woman wont kill her.
Yes he can have a second wife but has to fulfill specific conditions. And it seems he as failed already. His first wife has to agree. His only doing this out of lust. You should try to get the specific reason and details and see if you can fulfill it. Try to make a list of pros and cons of having another woman in the house. How it will effect the whole family. Man are short sighted by lust so try to be his far sight.
Good luck sister
slm
if he plans to follow one sunnah he must follow all incl.
he is not obliged to have more than one wife if his current wife is not happy and disagrees! his wife as in you hav to agree and if you are not happy then he should not go ahead
maybe he wants to widen his horizon and experince more in life with another women. i think you should tell him straight you are not happy to share him and if he does take that action you must leave him on the basis that he is not fullfilling your needs and happiness over his "desire to achive".
since the reason he has become economically successful i belive he think he needs to achive more women aswel. if you can have children and are fit and full of health then without your consent it is adultry.
in my opinion i wud sugest if he continues with his desire you should leaave him if you are still not happy with his choice because he is being unreasonable.
my parents are divoced since almost 5 years because of a similar situation! my mother went through a lot. now my mother is happily married, my step father is great with us (5 children). my father now is still on missions looking for new wives, although he regrets his misfortunes yet his desire takes over him.
your husband is likly to be in the age band of 35-65. men at this age tend to feel the need to marry more and or commit adultery! they feel young again.
its best for you to sit and tlk with your husband about how your feeling on the situation. if hes not happy with you choice then you shouldnt keep him if he suggests his happines has more value to him than yours does! x
Khuda hafiz.sister im very sorry for what u r going thru.Even though islam allows a husband to have more wifes as long as u disagrees with it he cannot go on wid it.i really dont understand why they want to have more wifes.No offense my sister but why dont you talk to you husband and try to spice up your marriage by doing sweet things and sexy things to him.may be thats whats lacking.
i know you are a gud wife but may be you can be more better than the rest of all wifes he could even have.
my sister dont ever give up.allah is always wid people who have patience.
salaam
Sister Shamsa, your reply is totally out of line with the teaching of Islam. You making halal into haram because it does not fit your desires!!! What you stated is very dangerous and you need to make tawba(repent)as you have committed a grave sin.
Brother Karim,(or any other Brother who may agree w/ Br. Karim)
You say that Sister Shamsa is out of line with Islamic teachings, i tend to agree w/ her only b/c I was in the same situation as her mother. What is wrong w/ her mother's approach in making her situation better?? Isn't that what Shamsa's father did?... "made his situation better" i.e. by obtaining a second wife? I think it all boils down to the "present situation" and how one has the ability, Alhumdullah, to make it better for themself. I think her father was, like my husband..whom we have 20 years of marriage and four boys together, were trying to manipulate their lives (their current situation..."to make it better") but in the end they were unsuccessful and full of regret.....
Narrated by Abu Hurayrah
‘Among the Muslims the most perfect, as regards his faith, is the one whose character is excellent, and the best among you are those who treat their wives well.’- our Prophet, SAAW.
If taking a second wife is painful to you're first wife and hurts you're marriage, than you should not go forth. Would that be a characteristic of someone who is doing/wanting the BEST for his wife? I pray how the Muslim man treats his wife matters to him. "One who treats badly those under his authority will not enter Paradise." - our dear Prophet, SAAW.
Narrated by AbuBakr as-Siddiq (Also from Al-Tirmidhi)
What is the real reason that *some* men marry twice? It is hidden inside of them and only They and Allah (SWT) know. Inshallah their intention is good.
Narrated by Abu Hurayrah
"Do you know the things which most commonly brings people into Paradise? It is fear of Allah and good character. Do you know what most commonly brings people into Hell? It is the two hollow things: the mouth and the private parts." - our Prophet, SAAW.
*The three of these Hadith are from Al-Tirmidhi
http://www.ammarbooksandaudio.com/images/ammarimages/DAR%202074.jpg
Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me alone.
As Salaamu Alaikum Sister Khuda,
I know the pain and frustration you are feeling, as I've been where you are. After nearly five years of marriage, my husband advised me that he was going to marry another woman, and did so approx. three weeks later. Before my husband and I married, he had said he would never take a second wife, couldn't see how any man would want one. It's 2 years and nine months later; I'm finally beginning to come to terms with it. You could read my journey and other persons' experiences on my blog at http://www.polygamy411.com.
My suggestion to you and that you not be too hasty in making a decision. Your husband has a right Islamically to take another wife. You, of course don't have to stay with him. What would be your reason for divorce? Would it simply be because your husband chose to do something Allah say is permissible. Do you want to make unlawful what Allah has made lawful?
I think polygamy for women who stay married and don't divorce because of it is a trial a test for the woman and is her ticket to Paradise. It's a tough, extremely difficult road to travel and I'm sure you'll experience much pain. To me, it's all worth it. I didn't think I'd survive it, but I have.
You have to do what's best for you. I can understand how bitter and angry you must feel. I read some place that the man should treat his first wife very kind and good, as she helped him become the person that he is that allowed him to prosper and take a second wife. I get so angry knowing my husband is giving away his and my marital monies to another woman after I helped him, groomed him to be the person that he is and this is how I got repaid-polygamy. Don't get me wrong; I understand that I should only expect a reward from Allah. But, I certainly wasn't expecting this.
Sister, don't try to make sense out of what is happening. Don't blame yourself. Your husband wanting another wife really has nothing to do with you. You did nothing wrong. Most men just desire other women. Men give their wives excuses, but it really just boils down to their desires, coveting things they love, women...
I pray Allah SWT guides and blesses you.
Ana
Im sorry you went through that
Sister Ana-
I am going through something very similar- My husband and I have been married for three years- He told me when we married I was the only one for him and that he would never that he desired another wife- but back in august he started talking about taking a second wife. We are not financially stable and I actually make a higher salary than he does. He asked me because the doctors told me because of my severe hypothyroidism and PCOS that It would be very hard for me to ever have children. Because I know its his right to have children after a lot of hurt feelings and a lot of tears I agreed- He began looking for a second wife and had been chatting with several prospects on the internet- Then in October I found out Allah Akbar I was pregnant. I am 16 1/2 weeks now- and he told me he was no longer interested in getting married again- And I got very happy because I didn't really want him to have a number 2.
But I found in his email where he is still speaking to his top wife number 2 candidate and even made plans to meet her while he went to visit his parents this weekend. I am trying to stay calm but I am very very upset and do not know how I can possibly handle the thought of my husband marrying again.
I want my husband to be happy, and I want to be a good wife. But I am having a difficult time dealing with all of these feelings and I'm wondering if it is the pregnancy hormones that are making me so upset.
I am so scared of being left alone while he is with number 2. I am going to go and read your blog sister and inshallah it will help me through what I'm going through.
Thank you for answering this post and posting your blog address.
Much Love to you.
he should at least consult you before speaking to his non-mahram its little disrespectful I think.
Yes it is allowed in islam 2 take a second wife but! It does not mean he Must! honestly a man wud only want a second wife coz his not findind evrythng he want in his first wife.ppl say beauty is in the heart true! But also outside men r looking for sexy beautiful and good heartd all in one wife.mayb he dont love you.coz my husband askd me why wud he want another wife if he already loves me.may Allah help u.
Nadheerah,
Maybe your husband is just trying to apease you and keep peace. Don't be so arrogant. Don't be too sure of yourself. One day you might get a rude awakening and find your husband has taken or is going to take another wife. Allah knows best!
Ana
Your husband may just be telling you what you want to hear. Time will tell. Sorry if the thought of polygamy hurts...
U r right anything can happen anytime and im sure of that my leg can be off tomorrow or i cud go blind in the next hour nothing we have in this life is guaranteed.and also ive learned not to attach myself to any wordly things and i bliev my husband is one of them i always tell my husband to take another wife coz i know how men r and i dnt want to be to close (soul mates) but he refuses oneday i even begged him so he started crying and took my hand and said i only want u.
Nadheerah,
I'm truly happy for you. Many times things work in the opposite. Those who don't want their husbands to take other wives, their husbands take them and vice versa. It is beautiful your husband desires only you. Monogamy and polygamy are both permissible and good. Each marriage is unique in itself. May Allah continue to bless your marriage immensly 🙂
Ana
Salams
Sis Nadherrah,
Really, what novel did you read this in? I would like to read it myself. Sorry for being so harsh or realistic, but am not saying your lying or anything not close to that, but your exaggeration about your story of how your pushing your husband to take a second wife and the crying part assures me that it was a good novel. I do not know you, but my sixth sense tells me your a very imaginary person who believes her controlling inner conscience is how am going to state it without getting out of line.
If a wife begs her husband to take a 2nd wife, lets see, he would kiss her hands and feet all night, cook the best dinner (surf & turf) for her that night, next day would take her shopping, buy her the best thing she ever wished for, lunch after shopping, then dinner, then have a beautiful romantic setting as a surprise once they got back home, and then surprise her with a platinum jeweled crown and tell her you are the queen of all my 4 wives in advance.
Sis, you see, I have an imagination too. But its not realistic, it just an imagination. But it is also, unbelievable to that extent. In any event, your tone of writing make me believe that your husband would divorce you first before he takes a 2nd wife. And the disrespect that you impose on this husband of yours that you say he loves you, but you call him a worldly thing. Shame on you. If a husband is a worldly thing, then why shouldn't us men think of woman the same, because it is not proper and Allah (SWT) and His Prophet (pbuh) did not call husbands or wives a worldly thing. Also, if woman tell their husbands you are a worldly thing, then he would reply "and so are you woman and that's why am taking a 2nd, 3rd, and 4th wife", be careful what you say and what you wish for.
Have some respect for your husband, shame on you. And even if it was true what you said (BIG IF), make your point in a nicer, kinder and respectful way towards your husband. Because the only one you disrespected is your husband. You have set him out to millions of people as a weak, crying...............sorry typing error.
May Allah help all of us Muslims as we need it no matter how much we think we are good, religious, giving and so on........
As Salaamu Alaikum, Mahmoud
I share your sentiments completely. I kept thinking; there is something wrong with this picture and you confirmed it for me. I think sister Naheerah is either a staunch Believer, which I admire (I strive and pray to be a pious, devout Believer myself one day before it's too late for me) or she does not love her husband, and would gladly send him off to be with someone else. It's either the one or the other, I truly believe that.
Salaams Curious,
Please log in and write your question separately, this way all brothers and sisters would be able to help you, insha´Allah
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Hes not weak, he loved her at the time he said that.
If he will remain feeling that way only Allah knows
When she said he was a worldly thing i believe she meant that she doesnt want to own or get attached to him, as NOTHING is guaranteed in life.
In fact she said that she doesnt want to get too attached (or something to the effect) which only showed her own vunerablility that she dearly loves him and just doesn't want to get hurt if one day his 'love' for her would change.
Whats wrong with that? I think its clever, its called self preservation, and as much as some men want women to fawn over them and beg them so they feel that they cant live without them, the very thought that women adopt mentality and survival mechanisms takes the wind out from under these mens wings.
And why shouldn't she protect herself, in case one fine day he decides that he's not happy, or that his wife isn't everything he wanted and he needs more.
Albiet she was dramatic, but its her prerogative, so so what if she cried and asked him to marry, havent men cried and said they would never betray or leave women? Consider it a strategy to keep her husband if she didnt love him she wouldnt feel that way. Plus she cried for her husband not a stranger and I say, if anything she's instinctively clever and by showing how she values her own heart, she has placed value on herself in his eyes, hence she got the response she wanted.
May Allah keep them happy.
Hello sister,
I realize this post is a couple months old and your situation may or may not have changed by the time of this writing. However as a Muslim wife myself, who has in various ways dealt with this same issue, I feel that I would like to share some of my thoughts on the matter.
First of all, let me say that these are my thoughts only, they are not the fatwa of a scholar nor are they based upon my extensive command of Islamic sharia, since I possess NO such thing. I am only another girl in the world who believes in certain things most others call Islam, and working to have the fulfilling marriage and family we all strive for. So please, don't try to dissect my words in light of '"true Islam", because that's not the caption I'm trying to stand under here.
First of all, there are two issues at work with this situation. The first is being a discussion of what is "right and wrong", and what is "caring or careless". People can be careless without committing any particular sins, and people can be sinful due to weakness while very much caring about others. Let it suffice to say that in the highest form of spiritual pursuits, any sincere person would do best to not only follow the right and avoid the wrong, but that they would do so with the utmost care and concern for others.
There should be no debate about the fact that a husband can take on another wife after the first. As far as I have been informed, the only time there is an exception to this explicitly is when it is expressly written into the marriage contract at the nika that the husband will agree to be monogomous, and he will be held to this standard, the breaking of which would be considered sinful on his part. Like I said, this was only something I have been told by someone who has extensively studied shariah and hadith, it is not something I know to be certain on my own merits.
From what it sounds like, no agreement was formally made about this matter at the beginning of the marriage, only that the husband verbally indicated that he would 'never' want a second wife. However, sometimes we surprise even ourselves when our desires and thoughts change with time, and we find ourself considering options that were previously unattractive to us. It sounds like this is the situation your husband has found himself in. From what I understand technically, he would not be doing anything 'wrong' or 'sinful' to pursue a second marriage, but I think what you have indicated is the fact that the way he is going about his pursuit seems careless to your feelings about the matter.
I personally feel that if a husband does want to take a second wife, he should approach his current wife about this issue directly. It doesn't mean he has to change his mind, or modify his course, unless he feels sincerely driven to do so. I believe we as wives are much more able to handle changes in our marriage, and even face hurtful circumstances, when our husbands approach us with honesty and consideration. Finding out that your husband wanted a second wife by reading email registrations wass not a very happy way to discover such a thing, and I am sure it left you feel like there had been a breach in the trust the two of you had with your marriage.. Granted, some people will say that he is "not obligated" to share his intentions with you. I am not talking about who is obligated to do what, I am only saying that caring people will be direct and tactful and not insensitive to what this might mean to the one who is supposedly closest to them. Not only has he lost a portion of your trust by not being forthcoming about this issue to begin with, you are feeling doubly hurt because it appears that you have indeed approached the marriage with complete honesty, openness, and unquestioning submission to him as befits a good wife. Any person with a grain of integrity realizes that someone who treats their husband in such a way deserves the same in return.
Sister, I really feel for your situation. You're trying to look at all the aspects to see what could have been done differently on your part so that he would have made different choices about the matter. Unfortunately, although we can influence our husbands by our love and dutiful actions, we cannot guarantee a particular outcome from them by being the best we can be. At times we will experience unfair or hurtful circumstances because of their imperfect way of managing themselves and us as well.
Regardless of what has already come of this particular situation, or what may yet come, the best course you can take at this point is to try to re-establish the trust that has been lost by talking openly and honestly about what is going on. Hopefully this is something he is willing to do with you, whether it be alone or with the guidance of a reputable counselor/therapist, respected family member, or trusted imam. If the communication lines in your marriage are not kept strong despite what threatens them, there will be other situations of greater or less great severity than polygamy that will tear at the foundation of your marriage, and inflict wounds that can last years and affect your relationships with so many others. Hopefully you can find a way to face the pain that you must certainly be experiencing with him and learn to find a course of action that you both are at peace with.
AsalamoAlaikum,
I am a muslim woman. This problem is easilly answered. First and foremost, we must observe why polygamy was first ordained as allowed in Islam. This was created for the benifit of the woman, as a loss of a husband during times of war or other unfortunate circumstances would leave a woman possibly with children without a husband, father and provider. All cultures have their preferances, and unfortunately in the Eastern cultures women whom have been previously married and do not have their virginity are harder off to find a husband. Not only because of the preferance of the husband, but of the family to have a high standard for their brothers or sons.
When people look at human nature, and a mans instinct to try and get the most desirable outcome for his own personal preferances, often times people forget the common sense of the foundations of the laws of Islam. One of the reasons Islam is the most beautiful religion, is because the laws of Islam were all founded for the best for all of us, and they all have their by-laws to assure complete fairness to all parties involved. Allah only wants the best for all of us.
Regarding Polygamy, one of the firm by-laws of the Halal nature of Polygamy that men often time try to "side eye" is the fact that to practice Polygamy, a man must have his wifes approval. The reasons being, that only in circumstances where the man is not simply capitalizing on his place as a muslim man with the right to practice Polygamy, would actually contain the correct circumstances to practice Polygamy at all.
For instance, here are a few instances where a man is allowed and has the right to practice polygamy;
If the wife is not able to bear children and the man wants more children. If there is a woman with children that needs a provider and men with less than four wives in the community are called upon to find a provider and spouse for the woman, if a single man cannot be found. (In both these circumstances and other circumstances, the only wife of a man is encouraged to be proactive in solving these problems, for the benifit of all parties involved, to find a peaceful resolution, and it can be observed that when a man takes on a wife Fisibilillah and for a noble reason, she obviously poses less of a threat to the "first" wife. May Allah bless these women whom sacrifice time with their husbands to earn a higher place in Jennah for the cause of Allah!)
Reasons such as the man wanting a younger lover, or simply getting tired of his wife is not a proper reason to take on a second wife with out the first wifes approval, tearing the family apart and causing the woman and children emotional distress. If the man insists he feels compelled to marry again to strengthen his deen, then the first wife, if she agrees, could choose the wife as so to be more comfortable with the other woman. If she's older with children and no husband, then certainly she would be the best choice to receive blessings from Allah... A husband for a woman truly in need.
Also, just as there are women who need husbands, there are men whom need wives. These men awaiting the chance to complete the other half of their deen should be addressed before a man with an existing wife takes on any others.
I would encourage all women to not only verbally determine the agreement regarding polygamy between the potential spouses Before marriage, but also have this agreement manifested in the Islamic marriage contract with proper assets upon breach of the agreement awarded to the spouse whom did not commit the offense.
These things are my understanding of Islam, and Only Allah knows best!
Sister Stacy, thanks for your very intelligent comment.
Of course. 🙂
Thank you for that comment it Really helped me..
youre picking and choosing what you want to hear! be careful!
a man does not need permission!
read this whole thread before making a judgement.
Slaam to all .
Of course a man doe snot need any permission
for the second marriage.
asaau aakum,
sister z...... my advice is cold and out of touch of the sister's feelings?
husband has a right Islamically to take another wife, also if you read my answer i wrote he is required to treat both of his wives equally if he can not do this then he should refrain from marrying another. so sister without fully understanding my answer you cant judge by reading few words, also noticed you always got negative things to say about my comments, seems to me you dont understand the processs of this, you are meant to give advice to the brother/sister on their questions not answer my advice, you just wasteing your time.
ma salama
Asalaamualaikum Ahmed...I suggest you read Stacey's comment...in detail.
And moreso, maybe you should listen to Dr Zakir Naik's talks on polyamy in Islam...that may broaden your views.
asalamu alaikum,
sister z i dont know why you telling me to read stacys comment since that has nothing to do with it, you suppose to read the question which the sister posted and then if you are able to give advice then do so. you are a mature person and i expected you to understand the point im making, seems to me you are confused and need help. the sister who posted the comment is the one who needs the advice NOT ME, if the sister cant bear the pain of her husband re-marrying then i suggest she should seperate from him.
Ahmed, it was initally this comment of yours that I had commented on: "in islam it is permissable to have a second wife you should accept his choice". I am not going to say anything further to you here brother as you have clearly chosen to be extremely disrespectful.
For the sister who initially asked for advice, yes, it is permissible for a Muslim man to take more than one wife but he cannot decide to marry another one just because he 'wants' to. 'To my understanding', the brother's comment had suggested otherwise which is why I thought it useful for him and us all to read Stacey's comment, as it explained the permissable reasons for Polygamy very well. There is alot of benefit in learning from others.
Jzk
sister z in islam a man can marry more than once, so if you cant accept the fact then tuff luck to you. just cos i said her to accept doesnt mean that she has to, after all its a one sided story which we cant take sides since we dont know the full details apart from the question which she posted, so we give a islamic point of view without taking sides. if you read after the part you mention it says IF he can treat them equally, i dont know if her husband is capable in doing this so we have to leave it like that. the only option the sister has is either accept her husbands request or take the leave, no matter what we say it wouldnt change her husbands mind since we are outsiders.
ma salama
sister z you say i chosen to be extremely disrespectful? you are the one being disrespectful everyone has their own opinion on how to answer questions just cos you cant give advice doesnt mean you have the right to judge who is cold and out of touch etc you dont have a say in this therefore know your place.
ma salama
I've been reading the exchange between the two of you for several days now, and I wanted to just make a few observations as a third party on what has been said.
First of all, Ahmed, when there are discussion posts like these, we are all free to respond to each others' "responses" as well as the original query, as far as when you stated, "you dont understand the processs of this, you are meant to give advice to the brother/sister on their questions not answer my advice, you just wasteing your time". I think that even though that statement may accurately reflect your understanding of this process, the way you phrased it allows others to interpret it as though you are speaking caustically when you said that by doing so they are "wasting their time".
Second of all, to you again Ahmed, I think that the reason Sister Z is responding to you as she has is because in your initial post, which was the first response to the original post, you answered correctly according to shariah about the husband having the right to more than one wife. What you said is factual and accepted in all of Islam.
However, from what I understood, the sister who wrote her post was not asking a question about what Shariah allows. I think she already understood that polygamy is embraced in Islam, and accepts that, but because of the MANNER her husband chose to use to explore that option by not informing her in his desires or even making them known to her, and as a result has left her feeling emotionally lost, she was asking for advice on how to respond to the choices her husband had ALREADY made in a way that was not only deeni but respected the rights they BOTH have. I think that because Sister Z probably picked up on that (being a female herself) and you may have not, that your response did not address the poster's true request as she needed, in the full spectrum of what she was asking.
Now I personally don't think that such an oversight should be called "disrespectful", by Sister Z, because I don't think that it was something done intentionally by Ahmad. However Ahmad, even though she did make that statement, your subsequent statements in response to her are less ambiguous.
In fact, in your further statements to Sister Z saying things like "seems to me you are confused and need help", "if you cant accept the fact then tuff luck to you", "you dont have a say in this therefore know your place", when the most she has said to you is that you are "disprespectful" or need to "broaden your views", it seems that you are becoming defensive out of proportion to the offense. She may not even have intended to mean anything personally hurtful to you when she used the term "disrespectful", but it's clear you have taken it personally and responded by attacking her personally as evidenced by the statements made by you that I quoted above.
Sister and brother, needless to say there is no way any one of us can know every time we may UNINTENTIONALLY hurt one another, these things will happen and we should ask forgiveness of one another once we are made aware of these mistakes, because as Muslims we are called to believe the best about one another and treat each other with the love of Prophet Muhammad (SWT) even if one of us is being hurtful. If we are supposed to extend the compassion of Allah to one another when another is knowingly, or even intentionally, in their nafs (because that is the higher purpose we are each being called to) then how much more important is it that we don't count each others' unintentional mistakes against one another.
Believe me, there are so many people considering the choice to follow the truth of Islam. There is no way to tell that some may wander upon this post because they had questions about the doctrine of polygamy and end up judging what it means to be Muslim by the way they see Muslims talking to each other! You never know when your actions may be the spark of love that inspires someone to take Shahadah, or the spiteful judgement that misguides them into misunderstanding this faith altogether.
I hope that what has been said will cause any who read to consider themselves and how well they are striving to make sure that the Love of Allah and not the pettiness of children is what is being exemplified.
The bottom line is we sisters must accept our husbands' decision to take another wife or we can leave, like Ahmed said. Those are the only two options. However, no wife should have to go it alone, dealing with the suffering that comes with tests and trials. Therefore, we should be here for one another, whether as an avenue to vent and get through it or hear others' advice, suggestions and recommendations, as a means of solace. Polygamy is not easy for any woman that loves her husband, but it's doable.
Asalaamualaikum to all of you...
Amy, you have explained my thoughts very well. I am not going to get into discussions about the 'Islamic rulings' on polygamy as I am not learned in this area and am hence just a lay person - as are the majority of us on this site.
Of course I agree, that a man has the right to take another wife. Although being a second wife would be extremely testing and because of this also very rewarding. But a woman still has feelings...which many men choose to ignore by just talking about their 'rights'.
And Br Ahmad, maybe you misunderstood the simplicity behind my comment, there was no sarcasm attached. I say maybe you misunderstood me, because of the mouthfull you gave me in reply which was quite uncalled for. I can only apologise if I have offended you in any way, but I would appreciate you thinking before making such comments as: "seems to me you are confused and need help", "if you cant accept the fact then tuff luck to you" and "you dont have a say in this therefore know your place". In my world, that type of talk is deemed extremely disrespectful to say the least.
Anyhow...after all that, it would be nice to hear from the sister who initially wrote the post. I hope she is doing well inshaAllah. And sister Amy...may Allah reward you for trying to make peace...
AsalamoAlaikum,
InshaAllah everyone is doing well, and the sister whom originally posted this forum subject who unfortunately has no name to refer to her by, has found help in prayer and the guidance of Allah.
When I originally posted my reply to the sisters unfortunate situation, I too opted to receive follow up comments to my email. I have also been following the conversation between the brothers and sisters commenting on this forum. I felt compelled to comment, since I was mentioned a few times, and Alhamdulillah if Sister Z found anything I said to be helpful. InshaAllah we all find guidance.
I must say, to be clear, that I am not a scholar. Anything I said could be incorrect, and I would urge the original sister to please do her research to make sure that whatever path she chooses, it is the path of Islam above all other views. I of course fear Allah and would not want to influence anyone away from Allah's path, only to answer for it on the day of judgement, just to make that clear for my own personal peace of mind.
I spoke to my sister, a devout muslim whom disagreed with my views on this particular subject. She had told me that as far as she knew, a man is allowed to take up to four wives as long as he can treat them all fairly and provide for them all equally. Now, I believe that the emotional attachment and love you have for your wives is included in this concept of being equally divided. We all know that no other man was like our prophet, and also we know that the prophet himself was aware of this dilema. He had himself mentioned the struggle of a man to naturally favor, in love, one wife over all the others. The practice that would make a man successful in keeping 4 wives, while favoring one of them above the rest, is not to show his preferance and try as he can to remain equal with all four of his wives.
Now, as we look at the life of the prophet, and his wives, one wife quickly jumps to mind above all the rest. That wife of course in Kadijah. Kadijah was the prophets first wife and most beloved wife. We know that above all the wives the prophet had, Kadijah was loved the most. Now, we also observe that during the time Prophet was married to Kadijah, he did not take on any other wives. Kadijah was his only wife until she died.
As we observe the practice of Islam, we can see how the foundation of Islam is established by asking ourselves to try and strive to be as the prophet was in life. One of the most fundemental and useful tools we have to live and learn to be better muslims, is using the prophets life as an example. And as such, we can observe that even the smallest of things prophet did in his life are honored and adopted into our own lives, as we understand prophets actions were meant to be an example and Allah knew his every move would be remembered and practiced for millenia.
Now I feel I can safely say that observing the fact, that during the marriage prophet had with his most loved and respected wife Kadijah he did not take any other wives, is much more than a small observation to consider in pondering the concept of polygamy. In other words, if every small action of prophets life holds such importance, than we can not overlook the message in this very sacred and signifigant time in prophets life, or overlook asking ourselves why she was the only wife during their marriage. The point being, that the entirety of prophets life was created as an example, preordained by Allah for the rest of us.
So the question is, What can we learn from observing that Kadijah was prophets first, most beloved, and only wife during their marriage? Well, Islam is a religion of common sense. To me, the message is that Prophet loved Kadijah so much, that if he took on any other wives, it would not be possible for him to treat them all fairly and so Kadijah was his only wife until she passed away. So that would be supporting evidence that emotion is part of the thing that a man must master dividing evenly amongst his wives. And we know how hard this can be for any man, but especially for a man in these times where not every one is as honorable, nor under such a modest social influence as was back then. So I come to the conclusion that observing all these things, a man is destined to prefer one wife over all the rest, try as he may to be fair to both, or all four of them. And so the right to polygamy should be practiced only if certain circumstances of necessity come into play, such as a wife no longer being able to bear children, or as I said before, a woman needing a husband. Because prophet did not take on any other wives while married to Kadijah, I don't feel that a muslim man need to run and marry to strengthen his deen. If he is happy, and a devout muslim, I believe his deen will be just as strong.
On to brother Ahmeds advice to the sister, I'm not sure why choosing to accept, or simply leave her husband were the only two options you gave. I suppose I would've asked her to pray for guidance first, and maybe speak to the husband and his family about how having more children is obviously not an issue and therefore not a proper reason to seek a second wife. Anything before considering divorce, which is the most hated thing to Allah. I personally had no polygamy manifested among other things in the Islamic marriage contract, with breach awarding me children and other financial assistance. Whatever contract you choose to manifest your preferances in for marriage, it must be legally binding. My husband is Iranian and our Islamic marriage contract is part of the legal documents the Iranian govt files to certify our marriage.
Please I emplore woman of Islam to not only verbally make this a clear agreement between the spouses, but also have the support of a legally binding contract. This is so very important, as clearly we see that without one, the wife is rendered powerless if the husband changes his mind.
I hope these views helped anyone who reads them, and feel free to comment or give constructive critisism. Islam is the religion of seeking knowledge and so I seek, yours! 🙂
Fi Amen Allah
"the sister whom originally posted this forum subject who unfortunately has no name to refer to her by"... The sister gave no name, but her username is s3, so I added that to the end of her post. I suppose you can refer to her as "Sister s3," as dry as that may be.
Sister z I though you not going to say anything further?
Also sis don't tell me your offended on what I said?
Asalamoalaikum Brother Ahmed,
Even if I were offended, the battering back and forth of emotional conversation to me is unproductive. If for the sister s3's sake, we choose to maintain a factual conversation, we may not only help our sister in Islam, but learn from eachother as well. As my comment stated, divorce is the most hated thing to happen between a married couple (fact), and so therefore should not be suggested so casually as an alternative to your other only suggested option of simply accepting her husbands decision. When reading our sisters dilema, we can see she is obviously reaching out to her Muslim online community for not only knowledge, but emotional support as we see her feelings have been deeply hurt by her husbands decision.
When we are Muslim, brother Ahmed, this means we are in fact family. We support eachother with knowledge and compassion. The responsibility to be compassionate to our family is one of the most important things in Islam.
Brother Ahmed, you were the first to comment on our sisters issue. Sister Z may have posted a disagreement, stating you to be out of touch and cold, however I simply believe as a woman she may have been offended by your crass response abd may not have expressed herself in the most productive and factual manner to support a civil conversation. I, of course make no apologies for anyone as we all speak for ourselves, but I feel now that seeing your comment of "I thought you were not going to post anything further", has shown that your corespondance with the sister is no longer productive and should not continue out of respect for sister s3, and the problem she most likely is still trying to resolve. I hope to see you Brother Ahmed, Sister Z, Brother Waled, Sister Amy and Sister s3 in Jennah, as I wish for all our brothers and sisters in Islam.
Fi Amen Allah
***Brother Wael , not Waled. Please excuse me.***
asalamu alaikum sis stacy,
"I thought you were not going to post anything further", has shown that your corespondance with the sister is no longer productive? their never was and never will be. all the advice i give is from my own opinion i dont need other sis/bros sayin im out of touch etc, also sis z wrote that she not going to post anything further so i was just wondering, so sis stacy dont complicate things any further peace to you sis...................
ma salama
Dear Brother Ahmed,
The only individual that is making things complicated seems to be you. Myself and sister Stacy have come to you with our thoughts and observations in a spirit of peace, and Sister Z has clarified for you her intentions with what she had said to you.
However, in spite of all this, you continue to respond in a snide and demeaning manor. According to tradition, Prophet Muhammad (SAW) said: Help your brother when he is doing right and when he is doing wrong. Someone then asked him, "How do we help our brother when he is doing wrong?" The answer was: help him by showing him the right thing to do. Brother Ahmed, we are telling you that you are doing wrong by the "tone" you are using when you respond to us, by taking offense and becoming defensive when it's not necessary. We ARE all family here, and come in a spirit and intent ion sharing of love and peace. And further, when we have brought these things to your attention, you continue to reply with arrogance, which is uncalled for and hurtful.
I am not knowledgable enough to know what to say or do when a brother or sister approaches another brother or sister, and says that there is an offence or wrong taking place, and the brother or sister being told this doesn't seem to care to modify their course. I think it is very sad that things like this can even happen in the Beloved Prophet's Ummah. However it is what it is, and I pray that Allah bring the wisdom needed to guide us in all things, as He is the best of Knowers.
sister amy.
your comment is un-called for so i dont know what your problem is, there is no need for you to butt in.
As-salamu alaykum brothers and sisters. I appreciate the advice that all of you have given to the original poster. However, there is some hostility occurring between various commenters and that is not productive. Let's try to be civil and respectful of each other. You can comment on the question, or on each other's comments as well, but don't make it personal.
If I have to, I will close this particular question to further comments.
assalaam aleikum brothers and sisters,
Don´t know if the situation is still th same, I don´t wan to get into or comment on other comments, just to avoid hostility or any other confrontation.
Just wanted to give a short reply to the origional sister that posted her question...
As far as I know, god knows best, I thought that it was permissable to have more than one wife, BUT the first wife has to give her approval, so if she doesn´t approve, the deal is off.
Or just like the sister said herself, she doesn´t want him to have a second wife, because she feels he wouldn´t be able to treat them equally, which is not an insane statement, because treating 2 women equally is a hard task. So she basically said that she would not want to stay married to him and there is nothing wrong with the sister making that statement...
He needs the first wife´s permission to take on a second wife and the sister is free to get a divorce if he insists on marrying another women.
The prophet PBUH once announced the divorce of a married couple, simply because the women came to him PBUH and told him that she was physically not attracted enough to her husband, it was so bad that she felt it affected her religion and she even told the prophet PBUH that her husband was one of the best muslims in medinah, but she wasn´t able to overlook the fact that she found him physically unattractive and she felt it would ruin her religion if she stayed married to this man.
Muhammad PBUH didn+t even have to think about it and went to the husband to tell him that he needed to divorce from his wife, not telling him the reason his wife gave to the prophet PBUH.
But this shows that a simple reason like that is more than enough for an imidiate divorse if the women feels that way, so I feel that both the brother and sister in this dilemma are not doing anything wrong, he wants a 2nd wife, which he´s allowed to take, if she doesn´t want to live like that, she´s aloud to present him with the choice he has to make...
hope I didn´t make any mistakes, god knows best...
peace be on to all the brothers and sisters reading this reply and especially to the sister that posted the origional question and her husband...
Sometimes I cant believe the audacity of some people.
And yeah Mr Ahmed your 'advice' is cold. So is the advice of everyone else who is saying the woman has no right to contest what her husband is saying.
Ive noticed one thing about muslims, being one myself I know what I'm talking about. We spend so much time studying Islam and trying to maintain a good image and keeping up to date with all the talks etc etc that we actually forget to LIVE
its like we're alway living to DIE
tell these idiotic men who want to marry again to shut the heck up. Treat your woman with more respect, she loves you, she sleeps with you, she stands by you through thick and thin so TREAT HER WITH A BIT MORE RESPECT!
so you say you may want to trade in for a new model, what about your wife? Ever thought about how that flab hangs over your belly? Or how she may think about other men? Your not in the Arab times of old anymore where you had to have tonnes of kids to keep up the population - in this day and age you have medicines, treatment but most importantly THERAPY
she wears hijab and guards her gaze, imagine if she stripped it off and another guy saw her and fell hard. Bet that would get your cajones in a twist. Maybe thats what the problem is, you've spent so long looking at her wearing her hijab, acting all obedient that you cant appreciate her as a sponteinious attractive sexy woman any more and your eyes are wandering
ive had this experience, in front of my husband of a married man staring at me when his wife was at home taking care of their deaf child. an educated, beautiful woman. and he was but ugly too.
so guys you call yourself brother brother, shut up, your just a bunch a men at the end of the day so stop talking crap.
stop looking places your not supposed to, look at the woman at your side who would die for you. explore your sex life if your bored and please fgs nobody 'sister sister' me I am not your sister. I am a muslim woman, that doesnt give anyone, not a man or a woman to call me sister. as far as im concerned y'all are strangers.
and 'sisters' fgs stop acting all angelic. your human, you have emotions, hiding them aint gonna help you sweetheart.
Lady who wrote the original letter. Tell your husband he either gives you the share of his business 50/50 so you can leave him or he aint marrying anyone else. OKAY? Have strength woman, stand your grown. Dont make your life hell, you gotta deal with that after deat, even if it is tiny becos your such a sweetie.
on the other hand you could go home and shock him, screw him out of the blue or something. you can wind a man around your little finger if you want to, throw a strop, invest in some lingerie that'll cause his eyes to fall out - thatll make him stop thinking about other women
when your out when guys look at you let him know! make him jealous till hes squirming to get you home and in the corner - jeez woman be a WOMAN! FIGHT! BE STRONG BE COOL!
women have the power, sometimes, under the impression they are b eing good little muslimas they really let go of it - dont. just dont okay?
there are some cases where the man is just being a total a hole, in which case the woman should tell him to get lost and she'll see him court - go on rip him off, he ripped you of everything in that case, we all know resale value for a woman isnt much compared to a virgin
cos we all know muslim guys go ga ga for virgins ^^ shows theyre amateurs man, and arabs dudette stay AWAY from arab men, firstly theire tempers are just ridiculous, therye as possessive as hell and they are major control freaks (and eventually they may be tempted to play with the polygmy gene thing they all claim to have)
another point for women whose husbands are straying, it usually comes at a time when they are unsatisfied with something in their life - financially, emotionally etc etc
the guy above sounds like the moneys got to his head, his lady should make him appreciate her more, and salafia, lady you need to watch out for that one, salafis do strange stuff
take care y'all, chill out okay? stop acting all self righteous, chill out and be HUMAN for a change, you aint angels, and you aint robots, your humans aight? all men and women. you get men and women problems.
forget brother and sister problems. remember men and women problems. so deal with them the way they are SUPPOSED to be dealt with isntead of a way that is going to cause one particular woman and her kids extreme pain and agony
she may not show it but gawd your hurting her by marrying again! can u think how disgusted she must feel about your part going into another woman? and then u bring the dangly bit to her, poor baby, what must she be THINKING? eww gross, shove it dude keep it for the one woman fgs
Salam All
Most people seem to have an opinion and ready to issue a fatwa at the drop of a hat. I would like to make two comments for the Sister posing her dilemma:
1. All our answers are in the Quran and Sunnah. Our Rasool (saw) was the last and final Messenger and while times have changed, principles have not. It is the right of your husband to marry upto four wives at one time for the sake of Allah (swt) (under stipulated conditions). And it is your right to leave him if you are unhappy.
2. Speak to an authority in fiqh. I suggest you see your local sheikh/imam/scholar or someone you know who has knowledge and you can trust. You can explain your situation - this is a personal issue and there is no way any of us here can offer definitive advice.
I hope that both will make (or have made) appropriate decisions after istikhara, doa and prayers, inshaAllah.
Ma'asalamah
Taking a 2nd, 3rd or 4th wife should not be for pleasure. This is only permitted when there are few men, because of war, and for the need and care of women....orphans, widows, etc. And only if the man can treat all equally.
Can any man who has had or has more than one wife, say they treated the wives the same. Do their wives agree they are treated the same?
Then again, how would the wife know if she is being treated differently? How would she know, if her husband was showing more love and respect to the other wives or wife? How would the children and mother know if they are being taken care of in the same manner as the other children, in the other household?
Men fall out of love with 1st wife he takes another...there is no equal treatment.
When there is no love between the wife and husband, they should divorce, so the woman can find a husband who will love her and treat her fairly. Allah did not make this lawful for the physical or mental pleasure of men. Allah say this is lawful for the need of family, to take care and love widows and the orphans.
Sister s3.
Do what ever feels right in your heart ...if you are troubled by husbands actions make your position known and the consequences (its not haraam to want to divorce a husband if you don't feel comfortable with the situation, althoughts its always better to put that stipulation in the marriage contract soo many young women just don't do it !)
its obvious you have strived hard to help him acheive all he has aacieved and now he wants to spend that new found wealth. Do whats right for your children and your sanity ..if you can take the future head on with him and the 2nd wife go ahead by all means , if not make your case known. My 2 cents.
Assalam Alaikom all,
All praise to Allah, our Creator and Sustainer. And peace and blessings of Allah on Prophet Mohammed SAWS.
Before I share my feelings regarding this sensitive issue, I would like to post the opinion of the scholars regarding the subject of 2nd marriage:
Second Marriage: Permission of first wife
Question: Assalamu alaikum. I would like to know whether a muslim husband can marry without informing her first wife?
Answer:
As-Salamu alykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh.
In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.
Dear questioner! Thanks a lot for your question and the interest you show in having a clearer view of the true teachings of Islam. May Allah help you get the right understanding and stand firm on the Straight Path! Amen!
In Islam, marriage is a solemn contract for which the Shari`ah lays down rules and arrangements to guarantee its stability. Though Islam permits man to have more than a wife, it stipulates that certain conditions are to be met in this regard, for Islam’s main focus is on building a stable marital life.
Answering your question, Sheikh M. S. Al-Munajjid, a prominent Saudi Muslim lecturer and author, states:
“If a man is able to take a second wife, physically and financially, and he can treat both wives in a just manner, and he wants to, then he is allowed to do so according to Islam. Allah says, “Then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four.” (An-Nisa’: 3)
It is well known that women are by nature jealous and reluctant to share their husband with other women. Women are not to be condemned for this jealousy, for it existed in the best of righteous women, the wives of the Companions, and even in the Mothers of the Believers. But women should not let jealousy make them object to that which Allah has permitted, and they should not try to prevent it; a wife should allow her husband to marry another woman for this is a kind of cooperating in righteousness and piety.
The first wife’s consent is not a prerequisite for a man to take another wife. The Standing Committee for Issuing Fatwas was asked about this and replied as follows:
It is not obligatory for the husband, if he wants to take a second wife, to have the consent of his first wife, but it is good manners and kindness to deal with her in such a manner that will minimize the hurt feelings such thing might produce. So it’s incumbent on the husband to be kind to his wife, discuss the matter with her in a gentle and pleasant manner, and this should be coupled with spending whatever time may be necessary in order to gain her acceptance of the situation.”
So in the light of the above, it’s clear that the matter is not just having a right to do so, it’s how you use that right. As we have said in many fatwas how Islam caters for the rights of women, men should not tamper with rights that Islam made inalienable to women, part of which is to respect their humanity. They are not property that can be done with at any time without any consideration; women are life partners.
I hope the above answer by the learned scholars clears any misconceptions that a lot of us have regarding the issue of second marriage.
We are brothers and sisters in Islam (Yes - we are brothers and sisters in Islam. No offense to those who are not aware of this. We all need to gain more knowledge about Islam. May Allah grant all of us knowledge and insight. Aameen) We need to ask ourselves a few questions regarding this topic.
Let me pose my questions for the brothers first:
1- Why do you wish to marry a 2nd time if your first wife fullfills all your desires and needs? Is it for more sex? Or is it really for sadaqah - like marrying a widow, with children, to support her and her children?
2- Do you understand the traumas associated with a 2nd marriage? If you find that you are not able to keep them both or either of them happy, are you being fair or just? Can you live with the fact that you did not discharge your responsibilites in the best way astaghfirullah?
3- Marriage is a very noble institution. Islam encourages stable marriages and enjoins us to strive for secure homes for our wives and children. However, are we not violating the sanctity of the institution of marriage itself if we run after vain desires and wishes? What if we do not find what we seek in the 2nd marriage? Then do we do a 3rd or a 4th? Astaghfirullah!
4- As a final question or observation rather, let me post ayats no 1, 2 and 3 below. Please read them carefully to understand what Allah SWT is saying. After all His will and His word is the first and the final one on this topic or any other. Also look at what Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said in this regard.
"O people! be careful of (your duty to) your Lord, Who created you from a single being and created its mate of the same (kind) and spread from these two, many men and women; and be careful of (your duty to) Allah, by Whom you demand one of another (your rights), and (to) the ties of relationship; surely Allah ever watches over you.
And give to the orphans their property, and do not substitute worthless (things) for (their) good (ones), and do not devour their property (as an addition) to your own property; this is surely a great crime.
And if you fear that you cannot act equitably towards orphans, then marry such women as seem good to you, two and three and four; but if you fear that you will not do justice (between them), then (marry) only one or what your right hands possess; this is more proper, that you may not deviate from the right course.
Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) was asked this question and he replied in Al-Fataawa al-Kubra:
“Question: a man married a woman and she stipulated that he should not take another wife or make her move from her house, and that she could stay with her mother, so he married her on this basis. Does he have to adhere to this, and if he goes against these conditions, does his wife have the right to annul the marriage or not?
Answer: yes, these conditions and similar ones are valid according to the madhhab of Imaam Ahmad and other scholars among the Sahaabah and Taabi’een, such as ‘Umar ibn al-Khattaab, ‘Amr ibn al-‘Aas, Shurayh al-Qaadi, al-Oozaa’i and Ishaaq. According to the madhhab of Maalik, the condition states that if he marries another wife, (the first wife) has the choice of what to do, and this is a valid condition. The woman has the right to leave him in this case. This is similar to the idea in the Madhhab of Imaam Ahmad. The basis for this is the hadeeth narrated by (al-Bukhaari and Muslim) in al-Saheehayn from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): ‘The most deserving of conditions to be fulfilled are those by means of which sexual intercourse becomes permissible for you.’ ‘Umar ibn al-Khattaab said: ‘Rights are in accordance with conditions.’ The Prophet dictated that the conditions which make sexual intercourse permissible are more deserving of fulfilment than others. This is the ruling on conditions of this nature.” [al-Fataawa al-Kubra, part 3, Kitaab al-Nikaah].
So my dear brothers, please do some soul searching in light of the above verses and ahadith. And please forget not the rights that your wives have upon you.
And for my sisters in Islam, please think for a moment about the following:
1- If your husband is allowed to marry more than one woman by Allah SWT, then is it proper on your part to stop him? Is it right to make unalwful something that Allah SWT has made lawful? Is your nafs more superior than gaining the pleasure of Allah? Please think and reflect about this for a moment.
2- Suppose, your huband does not find you desirable due to any reason, where should he go and what should he do to fullfill his desires? Will you accept that he have clandestine activities ranging from pleasuring himself to having affairs astaghfirullaah? Do you find this more desirable than a valid 2nd marriage?
3- Do you prefer divorce to sharing your husband with another co-wife? Will you deny him his valid needs from being fullfilled from a legitimite source if you are unable to fullfill them?
4- Why this negative mindset towards a 2nd marriage? Will it be more acceptable to you that a fellow pious sister goes without a husband all her life than share your husband with him?
My apologies if I have hurt anyone intentionally or unintentionally in any way. Islam is a wonderful religion, designed to help us attain the pleasure of Allah. It has given us certain rights and priviliges. Let us not abuse our rights in the pursuit of our vain desires and false egos. May Allah help us all. Aameen
Wassalaam Alaikom Wa Rahmatullaahi Wa Barakaatuh
salaam all.
The Qu'ran and sunnah are clear so why are there so many messages? confusion? and contradiction.... It is sister s3's husbands right to take another wife, and just like Aisha (may allah be pleased with her) who was very displeased with sharing the prophet mohamed SWT your jealosy anger or any negative feelings have to be worked out and your eman should get you through. To be displeased with something allah has permitted is a form of shirk. Its tough but true people. Its either you believe that Allah is just and disposer of all affairs or not. I am a woman and a wife and I cant tell my husband he cant marry again. Its not my place.
jazakallah
I have been married for 26 years, have given my husband 9 children and have never denied him of his rights. After years of service and asking for nothing, he is very stingy and makes allot of money, I now find out he has taken a new wife. This has shaken my faith in islam. I reverted years ago and now after all this??? My kids are hut and angry and he is cold and unfeeling. all you men who say it is from islam, lets see how you would feel if it was reversed. so easy for you all to say good go do it!! you men are heartless and unthinking!!
I would have thought it would have shaken your faith in your husband. It seems you reverted for the wrong reasons. I hope not.
Assalaam Alaikom
I wonder how some would resort to thinking much less saying such a statement, whether in joke or when hurting. Your belief in Islam was shaken because you never had set right in the first place!! You never had proper faith in Islam in the first ..nor did you take the time out to grow in spiritual awareness, faith-building, and/or knowledge.
May Allah Guide us!
This makes me sick!! I think men of course think this is fne. let them try it and see if they like it when it is done to them. And for women don't talk unless your husband has done it personally, then come and lecture everyone! It is not an obligation and is warned about in the quran as if you must not go do it and have fun!! MEn just wanting to hurt and demean women!
Please write something helpful for the lady not just social rhetoric!
If he does marry a second sister then why are you so against it? You are supposed to be his helper in life so that he can take you to jannah; as long as he is a practicing Muslim. You have a right to be jealous but he is doing only that which is allowed; majority of the sahaba had more than 2 companions! So please reason with him and if he wants to get married then that is his choice and mashAllah it's good either way.
Ibrahim, Did you actually read what s3 wrote ? or did you completely turn a blind eye when you read the words i dont understand why he wants a second wife ???
Firstly he can't take a second wife, unless his first wife agree's to it, and if she's not willing to agree, then it should all end here.
And it's not matter of her being 'so against it' if she can bare kids, is physically fit, and gives him all his rights, then why should he feel the need to remarry ?
"he feels it is an islamic obligation for him to do this"
Doesn't that even remotely sound weird to you ?
why is it a islamic obligation ? if it were so necessary it would have been fard !
If he was doing it for the Right reasons, if his wife couldn't have kids ect, then you can try and understand him, buh even then the first wife has the last say, it's only allowed if she agree's.
please try and give unbiased advice, and certainly dont condemn others, while your not being helpful towards her either !
x
The questioner is asking us a question and the answer lies with her husband. She should confront her husband as only he has the answer. We do not know his point of view.
As for the husband asking for permission from his (first, second or third) wife to marry another, I have not found evidence for this to be the case. As the brother said, social circumstance does often take precedence over the quran and sunnah.
We must look into how our opinions are formed. All our answers are in black and white - yet we flippantly issue fatwas.
I am sorry to read very wrong conception about taking permission from the first wife to marry second women. Unless it is mentioned in the marriage contract it is not compulsory to have permission from the first wife for the second marriage. Yes I agree that a man if wants to marry second wife he should inform at least.
Please don't make unlawful act easy a lawful act difficult. Men al round the world likes to have more then one women companion. Islam permits this in a lawful way that it.
Asalamo alaikum wa Rahmatullah,
Firstly, No evidence appears neither in the Qur’an nor sunnah requiring the permission of the first wife if her husband wishes to marry another wife, and therefore he is not required to ask her permission.
It is very unfortunate that some women object less to their husbands doing haraam things than to their marrying another woman in a permissible manner. This is a sign of their lack of reason and religious commitment.
Women should follow the good example of the wives of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and his companions, who were patient and sought reward even though many of them felt jealous. If your husband goes ahead and takes a second wife then you have to be patient and content and treat him well so that you can attain the reward of the patient and the doers of good.
Shaykh Ibn Baaz (may Allaah have mercy on him) was asked: Is plural marriage permissible in Islam or is it Sunnah?
He replied: Plural marriage is Sunnah for the one who can afford it. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan girls then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (slaves) that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice”
[Quran, Surah al-Nisa’ 4, Ayah 3]
0Lynnsie,
I just want to tell you DON'T YOU DARE ever ever say that makes you sick!! and see how they feel if it was turned around. Are you kidding me!? This was a right given to a man in islam for specific reasons. By saying that, you are saying Gods rules dont make sense. Be carefull about what you say because (if you are muslim, if not than you ave no reason to even answer this) You could become a disbeliever by saying stuff like that. Look to be honest, I could never handle my husband with a second wife personally, I couldn't. but at the same time, we cannot dissagree with what God said. Please dont insult things In islam. I know the sister who wrote all of this is hurt. Of course she s, that is why she needs islamic advice so please dont put your personal feelings and let shayton get the better of you.
take care
The reasons for taking a second, third or fourth wife are in the Quran.
And there are no specifics like a wife being unable to produce children or anything as such.
These are just personal thoughts which do not come from any proper Islamic thoughts.
And Allah (swt) Says:
"And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan-girls then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (the slaves) that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice."
[Surah An-Nisa, Ayah 3]
And Allah (swt) also Says:
"It is not for a believer, man or woman, when Allah and His Messenger have decreed a matter that they should have any option in their decision. And whoever disobeys Allah and His Messenger, he has indeed strayed into a plain error."
[Surah Al-Ahzab (33), Ayah 36]
And Allah knows best
hey u ave a wrong idea ofcourse no woman agree to be a second or to have a nother partner in her hasband but u have to know thats life and its not a catastrophe is u helped him to find a god one religious one and secondly its a big problem to come and talk about your hasband in net and discuss to other about privit life its haram and shame really I advice u to discuss to ur hasband not to others and all what u do is haram checking his email talk and discuss about him to other its a biggggggggg catastrophe what u do ask god to forgive u and try to talk and discuss to ur hasband and never thing that second life is a catastrophe I understand ur emotions u are a woman u are jalous its normal but u havent to talk tooters ur hasband can discuss to u just try and I hope will becoe more religious and knw well what u have to do and what u havent salam
You have to stand your ground, you have given this man the best years of your life, let him know your feelings on the matter, keep that in mind you are the mother of his children and that his priority in life is your girls and only you. If you say that you are not sick physically and you want to have more children it is not reasonable for him to take another wife. Another wife sometimes can cause problems, the men say they always get along, but in time you will be fighting with the other woman for attention, children, house rules, many things, that only the wife is supposed to know. I told my husband that I didn't want another woman in my house, he mainly accepted this because he works for my father's company and that my father didn't give his permission to allow another wife in our household.
are you lucky!
hehehe
I believe it's allowed
I to am a married man alhumdulilla for 7years me and my wife have been very happy, I am considering to have a second wife I spoke to my wife she to objected. And I respected her decision, we don't have any children unfortunately, it is something I want that's why I wanted a second wife. Now in Surat nisa the fourth surah it does state a man can have 2 3 or 4 wifes. Conditions involved yes their is one you have to treat them equally and if you can't then 1 is enough. The prophet Mohammed saw had many wifes regardless if they were able to give him children. Are prophet is the best example. The sahaba the second they to had many wifes. In the time of the prophet saw men were killed in jihad, and the muslim women were out numbering the men so they were allowed to remarry and reproduce was advised so the ummah can grow to what we are now. It is not FARZ on no man to have two wifes but it can be looked as a sunna why because are prophet practiced it? Today in England women out number men by approximately 6million, in America 8 million the world has more women then men fact. So it makes sense but not Farz. in the case of the sister who is in the situation, what would the wifes of the prophets done? Ask yourself that question and think it is mentioned in the Quran the Quran is are law. There are many other reason why aman can have many wifes to fullfill his sexual desire, stop fornication, stop adultery, strengthen the Muslim population, every woman can have a husband, stop devorce, it benefits the woman for examble she can she how the husband is treating his other wifes, how is he raising his children, a man can only marry a woman who is single, the woman can pick any man as long as he doesn't have 4 wifes. When a man be apart from familly it makes him miss and love them more. Sister Islam is easy we just make it hard, you do not approve if him having a second wife, you are denying him his right? Being Muslim is about pleasing Allah, my sister were have you learnt that the wife has to agree to the man having a second wife? I had asked my wife out of respect I love her dearly and if she ain't happy then I'll rather see her smile then have children Allah knows how much I long for a baby I would strongly recomend you sit down away from your children as adults and talk. Jazakalla may Allah guidecus on the right path if I have said anything to upset someone I appologise and may you forgives inshallah salaam
MashAllah It's Lovely to see people like you are still around,
I sincerely hope you both have a lovely child of your own, however, have you tired thinking about adoption ?
Maybe that's a answer to your prayers =))
x
Jazakalla for the dua may Allah except it inshallah I have come to realise many women are in this situation with not much understanding if the Islamic ruling on polgamy and they let pride over take when a man thinks of a second wife. But I am pleases to see here people try to research on deem and inshallah Allah will guide them. My friend I have considered adopting but again their is Islamic guidelines which need to be followed. It is also a long process 2 or 3 years which can be heart breaking but more importantly the Islamic law on adoption is to much for me to handle so I don't believe it's for me salaam
wow! your wife is one blessed woman, to have such a caring husband.
you actually care about her feelings and love her.
and respect her. nice.
AsalamuAlaykum
You seem suprised, every muslim woman is loved by her husband, every muslim man's duty is to care, provide and support for his wife, a practicing muslim would allways make decisions with people they love in mind, every muslim is blessed in different way's mainly the fact that they are muslim over powers any down fall in life 🙂 we walk on the straight path, inshallah are deen grows. Now a day's it is hard to find muslim couples who are happy due to the fact, they have abandoned the teachings of Islam or have not learned the teachings of Islam, they have rather adopted the teachings of their non muslim neighbour the t.v show's movies or the magazien's I believe the blessed are those who follow the teaching's of Islam, thats where youll find peace and happyness My Allah reward you with the best in this life and more importantly the hear after.
its really nice that you love your wife so much and you put her first. but how can you make it sound so easy for a woman to share her husband with another woman???
Asalamu alaikum
From what I know a muslim man does not have to get permission from
his wife to marry another wife. The prophet(pbuh) did not aske permission of his wives who he could or could not marry. I have thought of marrying a second wife but I realize that I would be away from on family for some time and that bothers me. I see so many muslim women divorced who will practically never remarry. Which is sad because non muslims remarry even up to the 3 divorce.
You should ask your husband why he wants to do it. The muslim today is more western in thought some of the halal that allah has allowed is abhored by muslims today.
This is horrible, we must follow our prophets footsteps. Obvisiously it is halal so who are we to question our prophet, if he can do it, so can we. I am a second wife for two years now and I am very happy with my decision. I was a divorced single mom struggling to make ends meat. He treats me very well and our faith has become stronger. I see no wrong in this because i am open minded and i follow deen. I am very happy and in love. I rather be married to a good brother in islam than not be married at all and get caught up with todays society. I encoure every muslim woman to be open to this topic and look at it from a different perspective.
AsalamuAlaykum
May Allah shower your life with countless blessings in this life and the hear after, Inshallah your deen gets stronger and your life gets happier then it allready is. I respect you
MashAllah Sister! Allah strenghten the bond between you and your husband and the co family. Some comments mention that polygammy is ok to support the widowed or poor etc etc but who will marry them? Singles or someone's husband?
Sister I agree with your feelings about this subject. My husband also want a second wife it hurts me to even think about this. I cry to hear your story I have supported this man in the most difficult times. Even when I had the right to divorce him I stuck by his side. Women that agree to be in this type of marriage and claim to be happy don't understand what true happiness is. He can never truly be committed because he has too many obligations to focus on happiness. These days & times are very different we must be careful not to get caught up in thinking our men today are anything like the Holy Profit. Ayat (4:27-28) Men are created weak. another Ayat that lets me know that ALLAH (SWT) didn't leave this burden on us sisters is Ayat (4: 129-130) He say that even if is the mans sincere desire he could never be fair between women. A man has only one heart, no matter how hard he try he can only love one woman at a time. May he can love two for different reasons but thats seem superficial too me.
Sister stay strong be firm, keep on taking your concerns to Allah (swt)
Asssalaamolaikum. Sister I hope that Allah Most Wise guides you and your family. Your husband should be teaching you about Islam as well as your children, but he is also allowed to marry a second wife if he can fulfil certain conditions.
Salam. First he haves to have your permission to even get another wife, He would also have to be able to treat both equal, Basically like dividing your heart in half. He would also have to be able to support you both and thats not only financially but religiously too so that he brings you both closer to Allah. Allah has stipulations, but in the case of you not doing your full duties as a wife he may be eligible to do so but he would have to make you aware of what your not doing in order to give you an opportunity to change it. Islam is not wrong in this way of thinking but ppl tend to take out of it only what benefits them instead of taking as a whole. So talk to him and let him know Islamicly he would have to have your permission. Inshallah it all works out for you.
People
All you men and women, please do not commit without knowledge on the quran and sunnah and pre requisites and conditions.
Is it Halal or Haram.
A woman is a woman, she will get jealous, she will not accept it, she was created from a crooked rib, not the correct translation.
Please read this article on the link below.
http://www.themodernreligion.com/women/w_polysecond.htm
yes it hurts and i know the pain, i think most women know this pain as it is our nature to be loyal and faithful and sacrifice.
men on the other hand are different in nature.
this when we come to realize it hurts so much. i know. it's like, i did all these sacrifices for you, i did so much for you, just out of pure love, and you never loved me the same.
trust is broken, heart is broken, and then you are hurt. you hurt bad. then anger comes in. then hatred comes in. then eventually you get used to it, and are able to live with this very same man because you are a woman and you will make excuses for his faults and try to love them because we think love can fix all. that is our nature.
and you are able to live with this as long as he doesn't mistreat you, and gives you your rights, and is kind.
we are women and we just need to feel that we are loved, and we are satisfied.
and you may still find things that he enjoys/likes about you, especially you being his first wife/family that he can't get anywhere else. you will feel special and loved.
so where polygamy is allowed, you will eventually get used to it as hard as it is to think about even him thinking about another woman.
where polygamy is illegal, he can NOT marry another woman. that's illegal and can get him in trouble and ruin family life.
my husband was my only hope of love i had. i come from a very troubled background. i gave him all my love, i sacrificed so much for him out of love, and i put so much fantasy ideas into our relationship and marriage and him.
but he is only human, and a male species too!
so i don't blame him. as far as i know, he hasn't had anything physical with anyone AFTER i married him.
but i was feeling the same feelings when he told me three years after marriage where he had disappeared for some time when we were engaged. and i recently felt that he had such feelings for another woman that he didn't have for me, even tough i know nothing physical existed. just all that emotional garbage, and he denies it so allah knows. but actions speak louder than words, but again, only allah knows. but i know the pain. and i know the jealousy. but eventually, you can live with it.
but the thing about your guy is why does he think it's a religious obligation? talk to him. it's not required anywhere.
May Allah help you in difficult times, smile it helps
Alhamdulellah Wassalatu Wassalamu 3ala Rasulellah,
First remember that a Muslim = total submission / surrender to Allah's Will. Why? Because your ultimate goal is Eternity in Paradise. Whatever it takes? Yes, whatever it takes.
Second, all women should learn (if not at home then in school) how men's body and mind work in regards to women: Physically: men need more than one woman across the board (historically and anthropologically proven). Emotionally: man CAN equally love many women at a time. Usually men love women in sexual terms first, however as they grow older and have children other considerations drive their affection. So a man seeking a second wife = he needs a new sex game (provided there is no particular problem with the first wife). This is practiced all over the world and is called "he's having an affair". In the West men cheat on their wifes, in the East men get married to a second wife who will have full rights and status. The self-esteem and the status of the first wife is garanteed by the gesture of asking her permission and by the obligation of providing her with all her rights as a wife.
Third, had we been raised as good Muslims, we would have loved Allah and His Way more than ourselves. If one does not love herself, one doesn't seek to OWN ne's husband for life as though he was a piece of property. A marriage is a contractual transaction governed by Allah's laws, thus for designed to benefit society as a whole. A man has the right under these laws to 4 wives because ALL man NEED more than one woman and CAN love more than one woman.
Fourth, honestly, knowing that this HAS to happen no matter what: do you go for CHEATING or a highly regualted and safe relationship, i.e. marriage?
salaam alaikom
Badzen
well said. !
Assalamu Alaikum.
I know what you feel, specially us,who are doing and giving everything for our loved ones..
honestly, i am not a Muslim yet.. Allah knows how i loved to...
The trouble is that im scared, im scared for the reason that i don't want my husband to get his second wife someday. even i know that it is written in the holy book,Quran...
This is the only thing that bothers me.
you may even think that i'm a little bit narrow minded, but i want to be honest with you brothers and sisters, this is really how i feel..
Sister,
You are not narrow minded, its just that you dont understand. Alot of people do not understand polygamy in Islam and there are lots of misconceptions flying around polluting minds.
Every Muslim man does not have more than one wife. A truly God fearing man will think a million times over before taking more than one wife, because he knows he will be a held accountable on the Day of Judgement if he mistreats any of his wives. And if your husband does take another wife, you have the right to leave him if you can't be a co-wife. Islam is the fastest growing religion on earth and the largest group joining are none other than: 'women'! : ) So surely, there is sense there.
***
Sister, if you know Allah is true and His(swt) word is true, you are doing your soul a great injustice by not accepting Islam. In the wider picture, polygamy is such a small part of the deen. Do what you know is right and ask Allah to put love in your heart for those things that you do not understand yet. There is wisdom behind all of Allah's Laws.
If we know the truth and die with out accepting it, our souls are doomed. But if we accept the truth and work on understanding the rest afterwards, we have a chance right to save our souls, right?
May Allah through His Mercy, inspire you to take your shahaadah before you sleep tonight. May He(swt) guide you to live the rest of your life as a believing and practising Muslimah and die as one too, Aameen, aameen aameen!
Salaams
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
AsalamuAlaykum you are not a muslim yet? why not?
Assalaamualaikum,
repected sister , if it's this 2 wife thing stopping you from embracing Islam then you should know that it's from the dvil because EVERY man wants more than 1 wife BUT if you do become Muslim you can have it as a condition in your marriage contract that you will be his only wife. This way you are sorted.
Peace 🙂
Ibrahim,
We cannot forbid anyone from doing something that Allah has made halaal.
So a woman cannot set a condition that she be her husband's only wife. However, she can state in her pre-nup that she wants the right to divorce her husband if he takes another wife. The divorce process becomes easier in this case.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
AsalamuAlaykum
Im happy i read this bit, because earlier you said a woman can leave her husband if she cant cope with being a co-wife? It's actually the first time ive heard that could you kindly guide me to source of information? JazakAllah
Salamu Aleikum Sister Z,
It is actually correct what Ibrahim says. The woman can stipulate in the wedding contract that she doesn't want
her husband to take a second wife. This is like a man stipulating in the pre-nup that the wife shoudn't work
or the mahar should be the the lowest one. Allah hasn't made a high mahar halal, the worst of women
are those who want a high mahar, but it happens, and if the husband agrees to it, well, that's fine.
He can reject or accept the wife's conditions, nobody forces him to marry that lady. Islam is about justice
and conditions; we all know that in Islam, women have the right to work, but if the husband wants his wife
to stay at home, and she agrees to that, this has to be stipulated as well because in this particular condition,
he doesn't want that. That doesn't mean working is haram.
Islam is not a misogenist faith and the wife can assert her rights at the beginning of her marriage.
Men aren't animals who can do whatever suits them and it is rare to find a man who can establish the
justice our holy Prophet(s.a.v.a.v.s) established between his wives. Even the Qur'an says in Surah 4:
You'll never be able to treat them equally, however much you try.
Although there are historical reasons for polygamy, the Qur'an limits it rather than recommending it.
Wasalam Sister
Sister Jannah
You're right men are not animals, and that's exactly why they get married (which is a highly civilized human bond) when they feel they need and want a second relationship. Allah has allowed polygamy, the Prophet SAAW has done it, the companions have done it, those who followed them have done it for 15 centuries and insha'Allah it'll continue to be practiced until there's no Muslim on the face of the Earth. I recommend to my dear sisters to seek Islamic Knowledge and to train their children to seek it too. There is nothing like accurate knowledge to shape our perceptions and conceptions of things. Once you study this issue -that was debated in the Ulamaa's (scholars') books for centuries- you'll insha'Allah understand, and once you understand, your heart will accept Allah's Wisdom insha'Allah.
Let's raise our children as good Muslims by providing them with Knowledge of the Shariaa at an early age and in a simplified form. As they grow up you (or their Sheikh) will get more and more into the details. They will reach adulthood with a crystal clear faith and understanding of their Religion.
The current situation in our Muslim World today is like that of a person driving a car although he has never learned how to do it nor has he learned traffic laws (at best a slim knowledge exists).
May Allah take us back to Islam in a mercyful manner.
I can understand your frustration sister s3. i would feel the same way as well. and you are saying that ur furfilling his rights as his wife. Like giving birth to his children and so on. But having mulitiply (max 4) wifes in islam was allowed in the Prophet Mohammads (saws) time, because of war, when many women lost their husbands. So at that time it was a "sort of" obligatry to take care of the societys woman, so having 4 wifes was allowed. But as we know in islam, we have rights, and when we have rights we deffinatly have limits as well. So 4 wifes max was allowed. But the conditions was that you had to treat them equally good, give them equal love, financially and emotionally furfill their needs as a husband. And if you couldnt furfill those needs, then its not permisble to marry more than 1.
If your husband can furfill more than 1 wifes needs, then he can marry. IF! the first wife allows and gives permission, if not, then the marriage i think is not valid. As he has rights, then so do you. Islam dosent give more rights to men, just because they are men, both sexes are equal. Sometimes woman have more rights, sometimes the man, depends on what the topic is. For examble your gold that you gave him, was 100% yours, he has no right to take and spend it, as long as you give him the right to take it. If not then its yours all alone, neither your father can take it, your brother not even your husband
""he feels it is an islamic obligation for him to do this. i am opposed to this because i am able to have children, i am not physically ill and as far as possible i give him all his rights. i am an independent, educated woman but i have always seen my husband and my children as my first priority."" your 100% right, you are doing everything as you are suppose todo which will make a muslim marriage succesfull.
And it is NOT an islamic obligation, maybe for a period of time it was in the Holy Prophets (saws) time. But these are diffrent times.
Alhumdulliah! I am glad to see the discussion of multiple wives and everyone’s feelings and the Quran and Sunnah being mentioned. This subject is one close to my heart for many reasons mentioned in the comments. I am a married Muslim woman for 14 years and would personally feel that my value and worth was extremely diminished if my husband even thought to utter the words, let alone, think it. Reading the comments, I do not think we are really discussing weather it is permissible in Islam to have more than one wife, we all know that it is including the stipulations. Basically and truthfully it is not obligated for the husband to marry more than one woman as it is not obligatory for a wife or wives to accept his marriage of another woman. A man or woman cannot be forced to participate in polygamy. It appears to me that men are the driving force using this law because they lust after woman (it is the truth). It is mentioned in the Quran that men like to hoard woman and children. Yes, we always have some men who are honorable and have real concerns with their needs unable to be met from their wife. These are the ones that should be using the law. It should not be used for personal desires and this is not why it was stipulated in the first place. Allah made out of a bad thing a good thing. Men horded women and treated them poorly. If for the reasons stipulated a second wife is needed (the operative word) then he made a law to make it halal. I pray to Allah to bless and strengthen those who do practice polygamy correctly and those who choose not to. Practicing is not something to do lightly and is not something that is easy. Marriage is about a partnership and supporting each other and having each other’s back. Really think deeply why you want another wife (is it for my personal desires or will it benefit my family, it is a necessity or want, will it help or hurt my dean and disrupt my obligations to those I am already obligated). This law was not made to help man in achieving his desires but to help woman and children in need of protection and providers. Let’s be true Muslims and stop bickering over how many wives a man needs and be happy that you were given a wife at all. We are trying to get to Jennah, we must be aware for the traps of this world, and desiring a second wife just because is one of them. We woman don't have to participate in polygamy so stop trying to force us and convince us that we do. Be a man, and be grateful and appreciative for what you have. Stop being greedy. Seriously. Woman, you have the right to be the only woman and be special because he loves only you and need only you. Simply state your ground and leave it at that. If you are willing, Allhumdulilah, if you are not Allhumdulilah, it is your decision that you have to live with. I love my husband dearly and he has never, ever, mentioned or thought of a second wife. He knows my feelings and that they are strong, and that to utter those words to me are to tell me that he wants a divorce. I need my husband to love me entirely as I love him. I need him to desire me only, as I do him. This is one of the things that make my marriage to him worth fighting for. Everyone is not the same and some of us need different things. Its better that we find partners who want what we want instead of trying to convince people to do what we want. I love all my Muslim sisters and brothers and Allah knows I wish you all the best. I wish this issue could be seen simpler as it is to me, for some of us, it is a desire, for some of us it is a need. But Allah made is for those of us in need, not for those of us who desire. May Allah bless and guide us all to his path and his truth and to being a better us.
Sister Fatima,
You made sister Jannah so satisfied with your answer and now she'll act upon it and probably share it with other sisters. You will most certainly be asked about your words on Judgment Day, are you prepared to cite your legal sources from the Quran, the Sunnah of the Prophet, the deeds of his companions, and the knowledge of our trusted scholars? You have influenced the behaviour of another person in matters of religion accoding to your mere opinion, likes and dislikes?! Just beacuse you love your husband so much? Allah says "And Allah knows and you know not". Matters of religion and the Wisdom of Allah are not to be measured by "what we want". If the commands of Allah happen to coincide with what we wish for, that's fine, and if they don't, that is ALSO fine. Please study the issue and ask for a fatwa on it. I am surprised that no one of the sisters here has asked a scholar and posted his fatwa or analysis on this page! It is utterly grave to use one's mind to try to judge the validity and lawfulness of such or such action in Islam. We use our minds, yes, absolutely, but to comprehend and better receive the Wisdom of our Lord and once we touch it we say "Sobhan'Allah, how All-Knowing is our Creator". Understand this please. There are many commands that go against our comfort and worldly satisfactions, yet we have to do them. Do you like to starve yourself for the whole day? Do you 'want' all the hardships that come with Hajj? Do you "want" to wake up at 4am to pray Fajr? Do you "want" spending you hard-earned money in charity? Don't you want to have a boy friend and live a great romantic story before getting married, well it is Haram. And so on. Many things we're not naturally inclined to do, yet we have to do them. Whereas many things we would like to do but they are unlawful and we can't do them. So religion is not at all about what a person "wants" or think is right or appropriate. Religion is based on the assumption that human beings cannot reach the Truth by themselves and need to be reminded and guided by prophets and messengers and books. Let us be true and humble servents of Allah, our life will then be a jewel of happiness and satisfaction no matter how many wives our husband would have. Upon death, it'll be an eternity of delights as a reward for being modest and patient with the commands of your Lord.
Assalamu Alaikum Badzen. Allah knows my true intentions and most definanlty my heart. We have ALL stated our opinions along with quran and Sunnah. This forum is not to attack but to communicate and help. All of us feel differently towards this matter and all of us have quoated the quran and sunnah and dare not go aginst it. However, we have all posted our opions based on our feelings and positions in the matter. The fact is men can have more than one wife. We must remeber that islam does not force anyone to particpate in poligamy. Allah knows everyones abilities and does not give them more than what they can handle. Truthfully put, everyone is not capable of handling a situaiton of more than one wife. Man or woman. Just as some of us are blessed as artist, scholors, mathmaticians, we are also blessed with the ability to handle the situaiton of more than one wife. Man and woman. It is not something we should fight, but embrace. I do not myself desire to participate, but do appreciate the ability if I needed to. also for those who have no other way. We are human and will have our feelings. We are intitled to them. We are also adults and should be able to disucss them. Some of us will feel the same and some of us differently. It does not change the fact that men can have more than one wife. I do not encorage anyone to stay in a situaiton that is unbarible for them, as it may cause them to loose their faith or the love of Allah because of the improper actions it may make them take. Each situation is different. I do not beleveie, that a true muslim woman is evil, because she does not want to participate in poligamy. Ony Allah knows. Some may be selfish and others no their hearts wold not be content and they would die of unhappiness and fear their actions. I have had this conversation with Allah many times, and I would love to be one of those woman who can love a woman who loves their husband as they do. And never because I don't love Allah and my husband, but because I do, as well as myself. And I know, i fear what a situation such as this would do to me. My husband knows this about me and loves only me and needs no one else. He loves me for the fear of Allah and does not whish to cause me harm or heart ache in any way. Allah knows those of us who are sincere and who lack sincerity. He also knows that I love all my muslim sisters and brothers. I will take your advice and pray to Allah that for fear that some like you have misunderstood me. We should not fight each other, but remeber that we are all human, make mistakes, need help and undestanding. We need to be heard whether we are right or wrong and corrected in a positive manner. May Allah sooth all of our hearts and give us the answers we seek. Assalamu Alaikum. love you.
Jazake Allahu khairan sister. May Allah guide us to the right path and help us seek his pleasure.
Wow!, MahaAllah sis, you always make the best comments. Allah raise you in status on the day of judgement! May Allah forgive the others for associating there whimful comments to the LORD OF THE UNIVERSE, THE POWERFUL AND ALMIGHTY ONE TO WHOM WE WILL ALL SURELY RETURN.
Masha allah.
I don't know who you are or where you live.
But I have to tell you: You are a genius. This was, in my opinion, a perfect summary of polygamy in
Islam. It was made for those of us in need, not in desire.
We should find the people who want what we want, not make other people want what we want.
Thank you Fatima, you truly live up to your name.
Our Ummah is so weak. Being Jealous of Allah's (swt) decree, is EXACTLY the sin of Iblis. The way Iblis rejected Allah's command to bow down to Adam (as) is the EXACT same way these sisters reject the command to be obedient wives. Really scarey.
1. I blame us Muslim men for even marrying these types of sisters. If we rejected them and refused to marry them, then they would understand the consequences of their ignorance. But instead we sneak around and lie. That is why polygamy has gotten such a bad name, because we do not defend it. Let them go marry Kufir. Instead of another woman maybe your husband will bring another man home...then you will be happy.
2. Funny how these same sister, who by their own admission would reject another woman in their household, are now reaching out to give advice to another woman. Such Hypocrisy. You would not open your house to her if she were a widow or destitute...but you are soooo happy to give this sister your "advice" (yeah right!)
3. Why is this sister spreading her business (about her sex life and her husband's finances) on the internet. These issues are a sacred thing between a man and his wife and are frankly none of our business!
This is why RasoolAllah (saws) said Jannah is full of poor people and Hell is full of women. May Allah (swt) have mercy on all his righteous slaves
Assalamualaikum warahmatullah
I agree with Muslim- man brother but if this sister is asking opinion under anonymous name then i dnt see any harm but best for the sister is to find a scholar in islam speak to him in presence of your husband and just accep what is right inshAllah........
In my personal opinion, husband has a ful right to keep 4 women at one time for whatever reasons..I am looking for a religious guy for myself and I am considering an already married man nowadays. I would rather marry a religious married man than a non practising man. And if i become someones 1st wife I will not stop my husband from something which he has a right to inshAllah . May Allah show all of us the right path and keep us safe from satans trap.
Asalamu Alaykum
May Allah Help you find the right man, InshAllah you find someone religous, I liked your comment it show's people like you still exist many women have too much pride with in with out knowing, I have confidence you will find a Practicing Muslim InshAllah, because youll see Islam in them
May Allah The Wise and Most High bless you with a pious and loving husband. Truly you have understood the meaning of the title Muslim - the one who submits to The Lord's decree.
Peace!
I think it is wrong. God made us in His image. I am wonderfully made by His hand. I am also treasured by God. God says to love your wife as you love yourself,and Him. The woman was made from a rib of the man,to symbolize being beside him,not below him. My heart really breaks for you. It sounds like he wants to be with another woman. A 2nd wife to me means justifing his cheating. God made marriage between a man and a woman. We are suppose to cherish each other. To me, if he really loved you he wouldn't be breaking your heart for his own selfish desires.
Kelly,
According to Islam it is not wrong to have more than one wife. It is not a sin at all. If you say you believe it is wrong, that you are not in alignment with Islam. I tend to think, based on the rest of your response, that your beliefs are probably based more on Christianity than Islam.
If you are in fact a Christian, that's fine. You are free to believe as you choose. However, being that this site is one for sharing Islamic advice, the Christian view of monogamy is not valued.
I will say again, as I have said in an earlier post, the original writer was not looking for a fatwa or shariah ruling to determine whether polygamy was lawful or not. She was inquiring about whether the way her husband was going about searching for another wife or dealing with her (his current wife) was the most honoring. She felt that he could have gone about it a better way and wanted to know how she should have handled that, but unfortunately a majority of responses have gotten caught up in the "permissibility by shariah" aspect of it rather then giving this lady some true support and encouragement. Astaghfirrullah.
Nice to see your interest in Islam 🙂 I respect your opinion, that's your belief, Muslims however follow Quran and the teachings of out prophet Mohammad (saw) and we believe the Quran to be the word of God, and surely God knows what he has created, Iv looked into Christianity for a while, if you are a Christian then you should-be aware that Christianity accepts polygamy however with no limits marry as many women as you want? Christians do not practice polygamy because the british banned it back in the 1940's or 1950's, Islam has a limit of four if you read my earlier post it might give you a little insight to the benefits, and is still practiced today due to the Quran is exactly the same from day one 🙂 never been edited and never been proven wrong I hope you keep looking into Islam and your welcomed to embrace Islam I'm sure you'll have many Muslims to help you, 🙂
Hi, I am a woman who is also in relation with a married man. This guy loves his kids and wife, no doubt about it. Only that he also fell in love with me. Or say, he also has some needs that I was able to give. He has some problem with his wife regarding sex. His wife is cold as he described it. In fairness to the wife, she is willing to give sex to the husband only that she is not comfortable and she finds herself sick after lovemaking. This guy is very good in bed actually and i dont understand why the wife is not enjoying their sexual relations. Now, I really dont understand my situation. The guy never asked me to marry but I am his temporary wife. I know he loves me. But he is very much afraid that once the wife and kids discover the relationship, they may never forgive him. I am also confused, but I love him so much I am willing to risk my future (if they found out about us, and he will leave me, then its my destiny).
In a relationship with a married man? If your not married to him, is he not cheating on his wife and family, and most his own soul? Temporary wife? Is he Shia? If you two are not married then that = adultery?
To s3, why don't you speak to him directly and let your feelings be known? If you cannot come to a compromise, you are well within your rights to divorce him. Also, if you live in a Western country, you can make this divorce very financially expensive for him and have main custody of your children as the mother. See if this deters him from his 'need' for a second wife...if he wants it, he can pay for it.
Why are muslims out there (predomnintly women - suprise suprise) complicating life. Polygamy is completely halal. There is no debating this fact. Let me break it down to all the misinformed women. A man wanting another wife does not necessarily mean that he thinks you are any less of a woman or a bad wife. Its not always about the woman. Maybe he has desires (nothing wrong with that by the way), maybe he wants more children than one woman can bear, or maybe he's concerned about the state of the ummah and sisters out there unable to marry for whatever reason in this secular society.
Jealousy of a co-wife is not uncommon. In fact it is quite natural and normal at the start. But if a woman is willing to destroy her own family because her husband wants a co-wife, then he deserves a better wife than a SUNNAH KILLER like her. This type of woman should seek her romanticism and hollywood fantasies the West has created in a like-minded misguided man.
I say to all the brothers who are able - do not let jahel monafek behaviour dictate or influence us!
Let us REVIVE THE SUNNAH! Let us marry pious women so that we may produce many children that are even more pious than ourselves. May all our children be a favour for us in the akhira inshaAllah.
Peace be unto everyone...
I've read this thread from the beginning, and some intresting points have been made..
I am a person who has seen things from both sides..
I was the woman who didnt want my husband to ever ever marry another woman, I knew I would be jealous, hurt, and have feelings of betrayal, insecurity etc... I wouldnt even let him bring the subject up, at times he would joke about it with me however he knew my feelings behind the whole thing...
After some years.. I now am the woman who is on her own with a child, and I now realise why o why polygamy was made permissable in Islam..
You see it comes down to this; God/Allah knows His creation better than anyone, the ins and outs, there is a reason for these rulings.. from what I have seen I think that the reason this was made permissable, was for us, the widows, the divorcees, the single mothers, the virgins.... our beloved prophet pbuh didnt only marry a virgin, he married the above too...
He set an example, who will honour the other women, love for your sister what you love for yourself... easier said than done yes I couldnt agree more.. I've been on both sides.. but the truth is that I too would rather be a second wife to a righteous man, knowing that my life may not go smoothly because of feelings of jealousy.. but accepting that this way I might have a small chance of entering jannah, rather than being with a complete jaahil, non practising man..
Sister Maryam,
Salaam alekum!
I congratulate you for this excellent understanding and explanation about the polygamy in Islam. Polygamy is one of the sunnah of our beloved prophet peace be upon him. I feel it is the responsibility of both brothers and sister in islam to understand and practice this Halal act with in an open mindedness. Lets not indulge in a debate which will make us stand amongst the kafir(non-believers) and mushkirs., that is by trying to be creative to gustify once(men/women and in favour/against) own desire.
Jazak allah khair
Asalamualaykum,
May Allah Make it easy for you, and help in difficult times. " does Allah not know what he has created" that line come into my mind, reading through your post, we as humans are weak, we make theese errors, we fall into the trap of the dunya and western culture, polygamy unfortunately isn't practiced much and yes there are sister's and brothers who suffer, why they think what will so and so think? It comes down to pride and any one with an atoms worth of pride will not enter jannah. We as muslims need to remember this life is temporary the hear after is the eternal life so what do we desire? Jannah or dunya? The question is how will we be judged? What a wife needs to remember and ask herself Did I fulfil my husbands rights? Have i stopped a widow from marrying? Could another woman have found happyness? Polygamy is a gift upon the ummah, benefit for both male and female, man's thing he wants most in the world is woman, then son's then riches etc, Allah knows there creation :).
I pray may Allah find you a sincere partner, a man on the path of truth and may Allah bless you and your child ameen
I think muslims forget that polygamy is a safeguard for our sisters in Islam. To protect the more vulnerable females in our society. Islam is the best religion in the world, it has a social solution for every problem. Allah o Akbar !!
Its a shame that some muslim men exploit polygamy for their own lustful nafs derailing the true beauty of Islam. If you take the time to understand the spirit and essence behind polygamy.... no wife would refuse her husband taking on a second wife, as she would want for her sister in Islam what she has herself, the true mark of a believer, Subhanallah.
Polygamy is for a higher purpose to protect the dignity and honour of our muslim sisters and keep the Ummah preserved and protected. Thus, a true believing man would consider a sister who he is not particularly attracted to if he was doing it with the right intentions, but this is rarely the case.
Dear sisters & brothers in Islam,
I agree with everyone that explained the true nature of polygamy. I am still unmarried but I will not reject to the idea of being a 2nd wife to a man I love who will be fair to me and his 1st wife. I'm actually about to be a 2nd wife soon to a man I love with all my heart. Even if I am the 1st wife, I will never stop my husband from marrying someone else if he feels he needs to. I know I do not own my husband. I know that this life doesn't last forever and my only real obligation is towards Allah. I believe if I stop him from doing what Allah allows him to, I am behaving based on my own selfish feelings and that is a sin. Subhanallah.
I know that when I am married to him, I have the responsibility to make sure he is fair to his 1st wife too. I love his children from his 1st wife as if they were my own and I love his 1st wife as if she is my own sister. I believe she is my sister in Islam and in love and I never want to see her upset. I know I've made her upset by marrying her husband, but I want her to know I will do everything I can to make things easier for her, for my husband and her children.
My dear sister, I know you are hurt. But you need to take a step back and really think ahead. Every woman wants her man for herself, but men in nature are made to be polygamous. That does not mean he loves you any less. He can love more than one woman. If we as sisters, as women accepted that a long time ago, it will not cause us unnecessary pain. I have witnessed peaceful polygamous marriages and destructive ones. The peaceful one involves both wives loving their husband so much that they are willing to accept things they cannot change. The destructive one involves both wives demanding everything from a husband until he got so miserable he died out of heartbreak. And all of them are my aunts, uncles and grandfather. My uncle and grandfather died because they wives fought so much over them they forgot to just stop being selfish and make them happy. My other uncle is in a peaceful marriage with two loving wives who can take care of each other's children just like their own. So do you love your husband enough to do that for him or would you rather see him miserable because you are so full of yourself you can't sacrifice your feelings for his happiness?
If I am a 1st wife I will not hate the 2nd wife, because I don't see her as a threat. I see her as a sister who loves my husband like I love him, and I love anyone that makes my husband happy.
Insya Allah. Allah knows best.
Why would an attractive young woman choose to become a second wife, when there are so many single men available? And how do you find yourself in love with a married man?
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Because none has come forward to seek my hand. He's the only one who did. And I can't explain how I fell in love with him, when I met him he was not married.
Layla.. if there is single practising muslim man and a married muslim man will ask your hand, whom you will choose?
salam brothers and sisters,
i read all the comments above and very interesting firstly to the women who claims she is in a relationship with a married man and u r not married but u said u r temp married how does that make sense????? this is a sin and bigger sin for the man to do such a thing behind his wifes back subhannalah
i was a second wife for 3 years i met him not knowing he was married and he told me he was when i fell in love with him so we married the first year was lovely as he spent all his time with me but i felt awfull because of his 1st wife had no attention when i fell pregnant with him i saw he was horrible i lived with his 1st wife and kids as he wouldnt rent me a property he was abusive causeing jealous between us both and it was the worst ever experience i could possibly stress out,,,,, albhumdullah i left him but sadly the 1st wife is still with him and she is too scared to do anything.. i will never do this again i felt i destroyed the womens heart and family and took her husband away from her., i felt second best, jealousy, YES IT IS ALLOWED TO DO IN ISLAM but us women and men do have feelings and a heart yes a man can remarry but a wife does not have to accept,, a man will never understand how we feel about the situation as they r not the one to accept.... a man has to make sure he can look after alllllll wifes equally and not cause jealousy and envy, sorry to say but men these days just see 4 wifes is allowed and get excited at the fact that they have 4 different women to sleep with its not about that the question is can u look after all of them like mohammed pbuh done? personally i will never ever do that again and never will except it either due to the trauma i went through. u go with ur heart sister
🙂
Sure, have done that. Thanks.
aSalamo alaikum wa Rahmatullah
Firstly as Muslims must know what our purpose in life is. And the purpose is to Worship Allah and adhere to His Commands whether we like them or not.
Allah (swt) has allowed a man to marry upto 4 wives at a time if the man can equally give them their rights. Which includes equal time and equal financing. Equal love is not a condition as it is stated already in the Quran. And as we must already be knowing that the Prophet صلي الله عليه وسلم loves his wife and our mother Ayesha (radhiAllaho anha) the most amongst his living wives and his wife and our mother Khadijah (radhiAllaho anha) even more than all his wives.
Humans have many wants and desires which are not allowed and sometimes not given preference to in Islam. But Islam is beyond our wants and needs. And we must follow it without thinking about ourselves.
Allah is the Best of Judges. And if Allah has allowed man to marry more than one wife, then we must not oppose that law or put our own thoughts and feelings in it.
For Allah Says:
"And indeed in the Messenger of Allah you have a good example to follow for him who hopes for (meeting with) Allah and the Last Day, and remembers Allah much."
Surah al-Ahzab, Verse 21
And Allah also Says:
"And whoever contradicts an opposes the Messenger after the right path has been shown clearly to him, and follows other than the believers way. We shall keep him in the path he has chosen, and burn him in Hell - what an evil destination."
Surah an-Nisa, Verse 115
So I hope that we will all follow the laws defined by Allah in order to be muttaqin. However if a woman cannot accept a second wife, then she has a right to her feelings. But her feelings about second wife should not be taken as a general rule for everyone. And she should not blame the permissibility of having multiple wives, as that is permitted from Allah, the Most High.
As a male ,
I think that married man should keep themselves contented with one wife. There is already a shortage of good muslim woman and as a result single muslim man like me are already suffering . Please don't make us suffer .
by taking 2nd , 3rd or 4th wife . At least for the love of Allah , keep your muslim brothers in your mind who are trying to keep themselves pure till marriage . We are trying to avoid sinful ways to satisfy our desires Please show compassion towards us .
As Salam to one n all.
I have pondered upon this issue for a very long time n spent some time reading a lot of comments here. frankly speaking, i fiercely defend Islam most of the times, but by heart i wasnt very happy abt this law that most Muslim men r so proud of.
In my personal opinion, yes a man has a right to marry upto 4 wives BUT its not obligatory to marry more than one wife. in such a situation it will only raise respect for husbands in the eyes of their wives if they refrain from marrying another wife jus to avoid displeasing and hurting his wife.
Lets not forget that Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said it all in a simple sentence, "The best of you are the best to their wives; and I am the best to my wives."
The Quran also states: "And among His signs is this: that He created mates for you from yourselves that you may find rest and peace of mind in them, and He ordained between you love and mercy. Certainly, herein indeed are signs for people who reflect." [Noble Quran 30:21]
There will be no love or mercy between the couple if the wife is made to share her husband.
Its easier to say, "Oh its my right to marry up to 4 wives" but its a DUTY of husbands to make it a point not to hurt their wives and refrain from things that will earn their wives displeasure.
If a man is really happy n content with his wife he will never think about taking another wife and even if he has been offered to marry another wife he will be hesitant and think about his wife 1st.
there r a lot of other things that r obligatory to do, like keeping up with Salah, fasting, charity, Hajj, keeping family ties, avoiding alcohol, cigarettes, music, movies, earning halal, eating halal. We men look for excuses to deflect these MUST things n run after laws that r not obligatory. Lets be man enuff to keep our lives together 1st.
Jazak Allah.
P.S: I am with my sisters on this.
Very well said.
sameer glad to hear a man that agrees with he sisters lol, like u said its not about the 2 3 4 wife its about charity hajj halal money i totally agree, they marry 2nd wife but firget there deen
Salaam to everyone
This is not in reply to any particular post here. Just an observation of a sister in Islam.
I am very surprised with the comments that have been posted on this topic. I am a single mum with 2 boys, I am a practicing Muslima as well. What surprises me is that some of us are so against something that Allah SWT has ordained for men. 2years ago I would have refused to be a co-wife, and I mean refuse. Alhamdulillah though after learning about Islam and understanding the true religion that we have, Allah SWT has made me think very differently. I am about to get married inshallah to a guy who has made his wish clear toe that he would like to marry another woman.
I have no problem with that because I seek ALLAHs reward. We have NO right as humans to make haraam what has been made halaal. We are going against Allah SWT and our beloved prophet SAW. After learning about the Mothers of the Believers and how they were with their love for our prophet SAW (who is ALLAHs best creation by the way) we are mere nobody's compared to them. We call ourselves Muslims and we say that we believe and follow the Quran and Sunnah, than how can we make what is halaal haraam? Aren't we going against what we believe in and follow.
I have advised my son who is 12 years old that when he us ready to marry, I would like him to marry 4 women, provided he can be a just husband amongst all. The reason behind that is because as a woman we go through a lot in life, we are the ones that are the foundation that makes the future generations better than we ever could be. Why stop a woman having a good life in the halaal way? Why stop a man from doing what has been decreed as his right by our creator? Why can't we be happy with what has been given to us by Allah? Just thought I would share my thoughts.
Was salaam.
It has nothing to do with making the haram halal. Eating goat meat is halal, but if I personally do not like it and do not choose to eat it, I am not making it haram. Marrying more than one woman is permissible under the right conditions. But if a woman does not want to be part of a polygamous marriage, that is her choice and her right. She can acknowledge that it is permissible, but still say, "I don't want to be in this situation and I do not accept or choose it for myself." There's nothing wrong with it. It may be right for you, that's fine, but it may not be right for someone else. Polygamous marriage is halal, not waajib or fard. If you recall, the Messenger of Allah (pbuh) was married only to Khadijah (RA) for her entire lifetime.
Also, I think it's very strange that you are brainwashing your son at a young age to marry four women.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
salam
well sister
i know it is permissible for a man in Islam to have four wives . However in extreme situations Our beloved prophet (SWT) allowed this. In Islam people use this to break sweet homes of others.
love can't be divided into four parts. so ALLAH iS ONE!
I am sorry to say but I have NO respect for woThis does nothing but damage and completely break the first family and cause the children to go into depression, contemplate suicide and cause their mother to leave them.
tats y i dun agree for four marriages..because first wife and chidern knt be happy! and am against of these marriages....in the end everything will be finsh,.try to stop ur husband dun listen others just listen to ur heart..and do ISTAKHARA .. 🙂 good luck!
1. A man can marry upto four wives under any condition (unless stipulated in Nikkah contract). It is not only under "extreme situations" (whatever that means). This is baseless.
2. You dont have to agree to plural marriages, but you cannot deny others or say it is wrong. To say it is wrong/bad would contradict Sharia and take one out of the fold of Islam.
3. What is the point in advising the sister to do istikhara? You've already imposed your negative views.
I second that too. Mashallah well said!
To all those who are angry about this. Please dont argue with us (men). Go ask Allah why he allowed more than one wives for men. I cant answer all of your objections because I dont know enough and we humans will never know all the answers. Only Allah has all the answer for you. By the way, I am a happily married man and would never marry again. I dont like when guys marry for the second or third time but saying stuff like turning tables etc etc are lame excuses for the purpose of discussions.
Firstly If taking a second wife is going to break up or destroy the husbands previous family he should not do so and by his first wife not accepting this result is likely to happen. Secondly I know sister s3 didn't mention her location of residency however if your living in a western country, the husband cannot marry more then woman as it is illegal and you must abide by the laws of the land. And for the people saying it's selfish not to let him fulfil his right what about his selfishness to take on another wife when he already has one why is in considered not selfish for him to give his first wife half himself where she gives him all of herself??? Yes Allah has made this permissionable but it is not recommended to take more then one wife and the reasons it is permissionable as others have stated, for times of war where men are in shortage and many widows without a husband etc. Also it is said that no man can treat both wife's just like our prophet and there will always be one liked or favored over the other even if it's by feelings of the heart so although it's permissionable it's also considered a burden in the husband
And just a thought to those men for polygamy, put yourself in the wife's shoes or reverse the situation to where it is permissionable for women to take another husband without your objection. How would you feel?? Do not say women are jealous because it is not just women, any human being with emotions for another will be jealous and hurt. Maybe you should look at it from the female perspective before commenting.
A man doesn't have to consider how he'd feel his wife were permitted to have another husband besides him because it's not a reality, so why take yourself into an imaginary world. Many women experience intense pain when their husbands marry other women and become polygamous. Why is that? Is it that their hearts are diseased , full of jealousy, envy, selfishness, hatred and the like? Allah says we cannot attain to righteousness unless we give freely of that which you love. It would include a husband. Islam is about sharing, giving, generosity and wanting for your brother/sister in faith what you want for yourself. Just like a woman wants a husband and family, so does other sisters in faith. Why don't a Muslim sister want to share? Allah says polygamy is permissible and Allah knows exactly what women that have diseased hearts and follow their own lusts will experience an intense pain that cannot be described. Why blame man for doing what Allah says he can? A woman that blames man for what Allah says he can do is the one with the problem.
With regard to obeying the laws of the land. Do you really thing Allah, the All Knowing, All Powerful, All Seeing, Creator of all things would tell man to disregard HIM and listen to His creation that contradicts HIM? The ones that tell people they must obey the laws of the land that conflict with what Allah says need to re-evaluate themselves, the way they think and their knowledge and belief in Allah.
There are a lot if sisters out there that don't have what we have. If we can't share what we have with our sisters than how are we going to live with ourselves knowing that we could have helped a sister out of a life where she wasn't happy to having a life where she gas everything she deserves with a honorable title of being a wife rather than a mistress?
Think about it brothers and sisters. It's never easy to live your comfort zone. It's always a test but Alhamdulillah Allah makes it easy for us. We should forever be thankful to our Creator for he has given us a religion that is the truth and we are guided by Him alone.
And I mean ppl need to survive"
MZ, you stated, "By the way, I am a happily married man and would never marry again. I dont like when guys marry for the second or third time"
Do you really want to say what you won't do in the future? Only Allah knows the future. It very could be that those very men that ended up with 2nd, 3rd and 4th wives, never expected to find themselves in polygamy. I know my husband never expected it.
Do you believe Allah selects our mates for us. If so, the 2nd, 3rd and 4th wives were selected for the men by Allah. So why dislike those men for something Allah says is permissible and gave those men?
Salaam
I agree with you wholeheartedly Ana. I am a second wife and alhamdulillah I have no jealousy towards the first wife but she doesn't know about me yet. She refuses to accept the fact that her husband can have another wife, they have a kid together, where as I was a single mum when I married him. I guess for me I gave my own life and it doesn't bother me I don't see him everyday. I love him but I also respect his rights as ordained by Allah SWT. I guess like you said n what I gave been trying to tell people is that if you do it fisibillillah you will have no problems, no jealousy, the tranquility you get is amazing. You leave it to Allah and he makes sure that everything is ok. Sister Ana I dont know where you are based but I would love to be in touch with you, In sha'allah if we can.
To al the sisters out there and to all the brothers all I want to say is that you will never know what will happen in the future. Only Allah gas the power to know that. All we can do us ask Him to give us what is best for our deen, our akhira, our rizq, our duniya. Allah only gives us what is best for us. He is the best of planners. May Allah SWT grant you all peace, understanding and the ability to practice this beautiful deen the way he has ordained it, not just on regards to polygyny but in every other aspect of it. Ramadan Kareem to all. May Allah accept our dua and make us of the blessed ones. Ameen.
I meant to say I have my own life, not gave my own life 🙂
Having said she doesn't know about me but his family do, have met his brother actually. His friends know about me. The only one is her, In sha'allah she will find out soon enough. I m sure Allah has his ways. :).
Interesting discussion... Polygamy is permissible for certain reasons and there are conditions to fulfill.
today's man are NOT good enough to maintain balance which is required.. so they should refrain from it .
there are thousands and thousands of cases where men did unjustice to their existing wives and children because they were allowed to take a second wife.
Comments above mostly by men are pathetic. they can't fulfill duties toward one wife and talk about another ..
However worse are the women who are either a second wife ( a home wrecker) or about to be a second wife... especially that sister in islam .. I wish you had two daughters instead of boys..
you didn't have guts to support your family yourself and become a parasite to another family .
and how could you feel happy that first wife don't know about you .. may be you dont know about your husband's third , fourth or fifth wife , I think you better be worried about that rather than first wife .
my advice to the sister in question .
talk to your husband politely .. try to convince him out of it .
if he doesn't understand . find yourself another man and leave that bas**** ..even if you dont' find another man .. you are independent .. file a child support and divorce him .
they can't full fill the duties of a husband they don't deserve anything ..
WOW
when i first read the comment it shocked me and than saddened me to see such a comment being made about a person that YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE HERE HAS NO IDEA ABOUT. Just because I have made a few comments doesnt allow anyone to attack me personally.
Alhamdulillah we are all guided by Allah SWT. May you be guided as well Dawn. I dont know if you are a muslim or not but for your sake if you are than please go and learn the religion according to the Quran and Sunnah and then make comments. There will come a time when there will be a ratio of 50 women to 1 man and there will be no choice but to marry these women to men that are already married so that they will be protected and have the title of being someone's wife, NOT a mistress, who are usually known as home wreckers in the western society, but in Islam we are given a honorable title of being a WIFE who has the same rights and values as every other married woman does regardless of what our number is.
a few things i would like to clear up. first thing first a wife is a wife in Islam regardless of what number she is. the contract is made between her and the husband in Allah's eyes and noone can take that away from her. If you are saying that Allah has allowed a nan to marry more than one wife and she is to be a home wrecker, then surely nauzubillah Allah was wrong when in Surah Nisa he said "(4:3) If you fear that you might not treat the orphans justly, then marry the women that seem good to you: two, or three, or four. *4 If you fear that you will not be able to treat them justly, then marry (only) one, *5 or marry from among those whom your right hands possess. *6 This will make it more likely that you will avoid injustice.
this was your comment :
1 .However worse are the women who are either a second wife ( a home wrecker) or about to be a second wife... especially that sister in islam .. I wish you had two daughters instead of boys..alhamdulillah, thank you for your wish and may Allah SWT accept it, as i wish i had daughters too for i have only being blessed with 2 beautiful boys
2. you didn't have guts to support your family yourself and become a parasite to another family for your information i am a successful business woman who runs her own business and i dont depend on anyone but Allah for sustenance. Actually the funny thing is that my husband is now working for me as well, he has his own business, and he works for me when my workload is too much and I PAY HIM SO THAT HIS WIFE AND DAUGHTER DONT GO WITHOUT MONEY this doesnt concern you nor anyone here as it is between my husband, myself and Allah SWT but to clarify a few things he doesnt support me financially, I have waived that right of mine so that he can support his daughter with that money instead. I am doing well on my own by the grace of Allah and dont need his money or BE A PARASITE as you call it. Funny isnt it if i was as small minded as you that I would think that his family has become a parasite and live of my money????? But Alhamdulillah, Allah has given me a better mind than to think that and to be thankful that I am independent enough to be able to look after myself and my 2 boys.
3. how could you feel happy that first wife don't know about you .. may be you dont know about your husband's third , fourth or fifth wife , I think you better be worried about that rather than first wife .
well to answer your question there, firstly there is no 5th wife in Islam, there are only 4 allowed. So I am not so worried about the 5th one. As for 3rd and 4th, well if he has the mind to do so than so be it, he is the one that is supposed to be looking after them and if Allah has given him the means to do so than Bismillah.
I guess my point here is to point out that before you go pointing fingers at anyone, try to understand where they are coming from. Because you have just made a TOTAL FOOL of yourself by ridiculing me and trying to put me down, May Allah guide you and give you better etiquette and manners in dealing with people in trying to get your point across.
And for everyone on this forum please please please understand that when you submit to Allah SWT's will and submit to him fully there is nothing that can phase you nor do harm to you, because HE is there to look after you and provide for you. You can call the 2nd, 3rd, 4th anything you want but at the end of the day they are married according to Allah's law and according to that law she is a WIFE not a home wrecker.
Finally for you to tell the sister in question to leave her husband is wrong on all levels. She has the security that she is a wife and is being protected by someone, 2ndly if she leaves him she will be on her own and who knows she might have to become someone else's 2nd wife (home wrecker according to you) to keep her religion in order, 3rdly she has kids with him and if he isnt being abusive to her and treats her like crap than why leave a situation where she is kept safe and secure. help her by praying for her and asking Allah to give her patience and strength to get through it, because we might not like something and it is good for us, and we might like something and its not good for us, fo Allah is the best planner.
And Why I am not surprise that , Prophet Mohammad (SAW) never took a second wife on first till she was alive and why the rest of the marriages were rather politically oriented.
and why Prophet prohibited Ali to take a second wife on his daughter
Narrated Al-Miswar bin Makhrama:
I heard Allah's Apostle who was on the pulpit, saying, "Banu Hisham bin Al-Mughira have requested me to allow them to marry their daughter to Ali bin Abu Talib, but I don't give permission, and will not give permission unless 'Ali bin Abi Talib divorces my daughter in order to marry their daughter, because Fatima is a part of my body, and I hate what she hates to see, and what hurts her, hurts me."
Sahih Bukhari 7:62:157
if we suppose to follow those , then better follow the example of fatima and ali .
the rest
Dawn maybe you should be careful what you say and how you say it. Better to explain the hadith in detail that you are refering to rather than leaving people in doubt as to why Ali RA was not permitted to marry the person in question in this hadith.
here is the full hadith with the explanation as to why he said no.
In explanation of the hadeeth narrated by Al-Miswar bin Makhrama:
"I heard Allah's Apostle who was on the pulpit, saying, 'Banu Hisham bin Al-Mughira have requested me to allow them to marry their daughter to Ali bin Abu Talib, but I don't give permission, and will not give permission unless 'Ali bin Abi Talib divorces my daughter in order to marry their daughter, because Fatima is a part of my body, and I hate what she hates to see, and what hurts her, hurts me.'" [Saheeh al-Bukhaari, Vol. 7, Book 62 (Book of Marriage), Hadeeth No. 4887]
Narrated from Ali ibn al-Husayn:
"Ali demanded the hand of the daughter of Abu Jahl. Fatimah heard of this and went to Allah's Messenger saying, 'Your people think that you do not become angry for the sake of your daughters as `Ali now is going to marry the daughter of Abu Jahl.'
On that, the Messenger got up and after his recitation of Tashahud (witnessing the oneness of the Creator and the prophethood of His Final Messenger) I heard him saying, 'I married one of my daughters (Zainab) to Abu Al-`Aas ibn Ar-Rabi` before Islam and he proved truthful in whatever he said to me. No doubt Fatimah is part of me; I hate to see her troubled. By Allah, the daughter of Allah's Messenger and the daughter of Allah's enemy cannot be the wives of one man.'" [Saheeh al-Bukhaari, Vol. 4, Book 53 (Book of One-Fifth of War Booty), Hadeeth No. 2900]
This hadith talks about the incident of `Ali wanting to marry the daughter of Abu Jahl, the bitterest enemy of Allah and His Messenger. Abu Jahl remained a kaafir 'til his death. He humiliated the Prophet and his Companions and tortured them; he also attempted the life of the Prophet many times.
Abu Jahl was finally killed by the Believers in the Battle of Badr long before `Ali proposed to marry his daughter. Thus, it becomes evident that the Prophet's justification of his disapproval of that marriage was not because he discouraged polygyny, as he himself was the best of examples and had multiple wives, but because of the shameful family history of the bride, which would definitely trouble his beloved daughter.
also this explanation
This hadeeth is better explained in same Sahih when the following part was said before the above. He - صلى الله عليه وسلم - said: "Indeed, I shall never make what is lawful unlawful and shall not make what is unlawful as lawful but by allah the daughter of Messenger of Allah shall not be with the daughter of Allah's enemy"
This proves:
1. He never obligated Ali bin abi Talib - May Allah be pleased with him - not to marry another one. That is why Ali honored his relationship with the Prophet by honoring his daughter
2. The reason why he denied this act is not because pologymy but because this act hurt Fatima - May allah be plaesed with her - and hence that means to hurt the Prophet. So, since we are not allowed to hurt the Prophet this becomes a different case
3. The Prophet acknowledged that this lawful however he disliked it at this particular case due what it caused him.
4. The main reason of dispute is the fact that the other woman is the daughter of Allah's enemy.
Thank you for this explanation! That's very interesting.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Jazakallah khair. You are very welcome Brother Wael, there is a lot of misconceptions where this hadith is concerned, it is better to explain it fully rather than leaving it half answered as Muhammad SAWW was the best creation and he wouldnt stop his Ummah from doing what he practiced himself especially when Allah SWT has ordained it for MEN to be able to do it.
Sister in islam you are far from a parasite, subhan'Allah, i love the way you responded with class, i pray Allah (swt) makes it easy for you and your husband when you tell her, but i must say that one point dawn had, of all the polygamy marriages i no of i cant honestly say the women are treated equally a few the whole community knew before them and were talking and laughing behind their first wives back and the effected that has messes up the children because they lose respect for their father and so do the women, others the man barely provide for the first wife and children gets married and has nothing for anyone, others get married back home and go to the other wife 2 times a year get her pregnant and come back when baby is born and the same the next year, i feel sorry for these men arkhira is waiting for them. and then their are the man who try their best to treat them the same few but they are there.
Jazakallah khair sister zenaa. In sha'allah it will all work out. Wallahi I do worry about her and how she is going to feel and I make dua that Allah makes it easy for her to accept it when the time comes. I am older than her and I worry about her.
well yes there are those situations out there but that happens because people don't know the religion or they follow culture which they deem to be religion. I feel sorry for women like that and they should know better than to put themselves through that. I always make a point of telling sisters that I know, that it is imperative that a woman learns the religion and her rights as well. That way Allah SWT will provide guidance and strength.
Like they say one rotten potato spoils the whole sack. Yes there are men out there that don't do the right thing and like you said the akhira is waiting for them, may Allah have mercy on them.
I guess I was trying to make a point that just because we have a number given to us by society, doesn't
mean we are a lesser person because of it.
May Allah guide us all to be better people in deen, duniya and akhira. Ameen.
Everyone has a view point and everyone is entitled to their opinions but don't judge a person based on the fact that he or she is doing something that is lawful according to Allah.
Ameen, sister may Allah (swt) make your 2 familys ONE happy blessed family insha'Allah.
Salam alaikom brothers and sisters...
It's been an interesting read! I just wanted to put my point across on this matter... I hope to give a different perspective on this issue inshallah.
First of all, it has been mentioned in the Quran that if a man wants to marry 2 or 3 or 4 and be equally just then it is permissible for him to marry them all and if he fears that he will be unjust then he must only take one, because "tholm-oppression" is a grave sin in Islam. I ask brothers who constantly fight for their rights to have 2 or 3 or 4 wives... could you actually handle it? Picture this.. 1 wife comes with rent (as she is entitled to her own home), food shopping, bills, clothing and general maintenance for her children. That's the very basics covered in terms of finances which is obligatory upon you. On top of that she needs to be cared for physically, mentally and emotionally and that alone can be a task. You also have to keep the family ties with in-laws and be involved with them and at the time of pregnancy she is in great need of your attention, time and support to say the least. The father has the responsibility of making sure his children receive appropriate education and a good Islamic upbringing, as they also carry his name . All of that is a full time job on top of the normal hours he works to provide. A man should strive to be the best husband and father he can to please Allah swt because taking care of one's family in itself is jihad due to the responsibilities and duties it comes with.. it's not half your deen for nothing. The ummah is built on good foundations and the main good foundations are tight family units. Now.. let's say a brother decides that he is entitled to his rights (which we don't deny) and chooses to take on another wife for sexual reasons, children etc ask yourself would you be able to double what you are meant to give the first wife and children in rights? Even more, with a 3rd or 4th wife? I live in the UK and unless you are a millionnaire or sitting on a large inheritance this is extremely difficult and that's just from a financial point of view. There is a great punishment for those men who take on multiple wives and do not treat them equally. It is for those extraordinary, good charactered, good intentioned and strong men who fear Allah who are able to do this and they are very rare in this day and age.
A successful man in a polygamous marriage will make his wives happy and they will not feel the need to be so jealous because he is equal and this is how the Prophet saw wives accepted polygamy (even though they did get jealous) but they could never accuse him of being unjust. He married them for honourable reasons to protect them and not purely out of desire. We, as Muslims are warned about our desires and they they can lead to great evil.. and polygamy is an example. It's a huge responsibility and those who marry purely out of selfish needs and desires are in a dangerous place as their intentions (in many cases) are not like those of the sahabas and the Prophet saw.
The sahabas and the Prophet saw were the best examples for men, they were outstanding in their characters and did not oppress.. I am sorry to say but the majority of men today are not like those at the time of the Prophet saw. These days married men look for second wives to multiply their sexual partners, because they get bored, or because they have wealth they can spend on someone else.. and on top of that I have come across some brothers who ask sisters to marry them as 2nd wives, sisters who have their own council flats and jobs and live on benefits so that they get out of financial responsibilities and makes their life easier. Allah will ask you about the marital rights and duties you did and did not fulfill on The Day.
If I was living in a war torn country, even though I love my husband so much I would happily agree for him to marry widowers for example who are living hungry on the streets due to having no one to look after them. I know the reward would be there for me and my husband and even though the thought of sharing him would hurt, it's only temporary in this life. I respect brothers whose intentions are to protect these kinds of women, so they do not end up selling their bodies or being taken advantage of by ill-hearted men to survive. We have an Islamic duty to these sisters.
In western countries there are thousands of unmarried Muslim brothers who would love just 1 wife! The majority of them cannot afford it because women ask for what is out of their hands or are rejected for cultural reasons etc. Instead of sisters approaching married men for marriage, we should look out for our practicing unmarried brothers who are struggling to get married, they are the priority, as you will save them from zina inshallah and you will give them lawful companionship.
We need to focus on our priorities when getting married, because as mentioned before there are many things that are obligatory that we must do before those that are non obligatory. If brothers are not satisfied with their first wives then they should strive to sort out their marital problems instead of resorting to a 2nd marriage, which could lead them to more problems and they will be questioned heavily on this on the day of judgement if they were unjust in any way. Allah will reward you for sorting out your marital problems instead of breaking homes and causing your wives much grief, because let's face it, most women in the UK/USA (for example) find it very difficult to accept another woman in her husbands life because there is no real necessity for it, i.e. war. Remember brothers, the 2nd wife MAY come with her own baggage, issues that you will discover later on down the line and she may turn out to be a very difficult wife, a life of bliss is never guaranteed. Sure there are many single mums out there and divorcees, however as mentioned before there are also many divorced brothers too, single dads and widowers who want wives. There are so many single brothers out there and sisters should aim to help the non-practicing be more practicing by being strong wives and maybe the reason they are not so practicing is because they need wives to help them in their deen. If a brother desires children and his 1st wife is barren, if she becomes handicapped or has developed a terrible illness that will make her unable to fulfill marital duties then of course he has the right to take on another wife if he wishes to do so and the sister must understand that this is his right.. and also if he fears zina because his physical needs are so overwhelming and cannot be met with only one wife. If a brother wishes to protect himself from zina and his wife cannot cope with his physical demands then he must remember that his 2nd wife receives all rights and status as the first and must not be used or made feel only as a sexual back up. Remember that it is a blessing to be married in the first place and one should strive to accept that blessing and look after it to the best of his/her ability.
When a married man with a family marries another younger, beautiful woman then he will most definitely cause her much pain because she has given the best years of her life to be with him through thick and thin and in return he prefers to spend half his time with another woman who could have married a single brother out there. There is a big difference you see if he marries a young beautiful sexy woman who can "fulfil what the 1st wife cannot" - (mainly because he didn't take out the time and effort to sort out his marital problems and prefers the exciting option of another wife to justify it) and if he marries a widower who is in need of a protector. We as woman would find it much easier to accept polygamy in this case. That's just my opinion.
There are certain conditions that must be met if a brother wishes to take a 2nd wife and if he has all the means and his intentions are to protect then Allah will reward him inshallah. These polygamous marriages tend to be successful. However sisters must also accept that if they are cold, not fulfilling their marital duties (being difficult demanding, ungrateful wives etc even when the husband is striving to do his best), you should not object to him if he wishes to take another wife and keep you too to keep the family together, as this is unfair. Everyone who tries their best is deserving of a good spouse and we must not oppress. Sisters who are in this situation, ask yourselves why he is looking for another wife, as the reason may be that he craves the attention, rights and support that he cannot find with you, but doesn't wish to break your family. If the sister, such as the sister who posted this topic, feels she has given him everything and hasn't fallen short in any duties then she needs to talk to him and find out his reasons for wanting a 2nd wife and it's her own decision whether she wishes to accept it or not. Maybe by having a really honest heart to heart with him you can solve any issues inshallah. I feel that if brothers wish to take on a 2nd wife as an extra luxury and are in happy marriages already, then they can alternatively, with their extra wealth, financially help younger single brothers as sadaqah who are in need of marriage instead of risking a family break. Love for your brothers what you love for yourself. It's not like single men have run out and we are left with single women only. Focus on building your marriages, your deen as that in itself is a challenge and fulfil all obligations before taking on the ones that are not and you will find that if you focus as a priority on fulfilling your Islamic obligations it will take all your time, energy and effort to do them properly. We as Muslims are not better than each other, except in iman and piety. I do apologise for the long comment! Just my opinion.
I agree with you.
I too am from the UK and have pretty much re-iterated what you said.
I'm glad that Polygamy is illegal in Western countries. Women have more rights & those rights are protected.
Men are naturally selfish they want their cake & they want to eat it too. No woman will want to share her husband with another woman just like no man will ever want to share his wife.
How can you have up to 4 wives and love them all equally?? For a majority of men having 1 wife is more than enough. Just because something is allowed doesn't mean that it must be reinforced.
I have been approached by men who were looking for a 2nd wife & by guys seeking a mut'ah? It really bugs me that they think that I would be open to the idea?? They clearly think that women are objects that are there to be used & abused. You're right there are very few pious guys around who really know how to treat a woman with respect. All men care about is their own carnal desires. Religion is just a pretext!
Everyone is looking at this from an Islamic point of view - what about from a moral & humanistic point of view??? They can't see the trouble it can cause & all the implications that goes alot with it.
If a woman doesn't love her husband & can't give him what he needs then why is she with him?
Its hard to comment on some points because some of us have a more westernized perspective on things. Most women will never marry someone they are not attracted to - its their prerogative. However in countries ruled by Shariah law - alot of women don't really get much say in regards to who they marry? So then perhaps they end up marrying someone they don't like & act cold towards them. Even then does it make it ok for these men to look elsewhere when the woman isn't allowed to? Divorce would be an easy option but it all depends on how conservative their family / society is.
I just am grateful that I won't ever be in that situation & feel sorry for the women going through this dilemma right now. For most they have no choice but to accept it & it's not because they are happy with this decision.
"For most they have no choice but to accept it & it's not because they are happy with this decision."
No where in Islam does it say a woman has to accept being in polygamous marriage. We have a choice and we have every right to practise it, or not practice it. So these women who say they are forced to accept it are not under any obligation to.
As a female I understand your reasoning, and I feel your anger at how it is abused and how many men take advantage of this right and abuse it. I also find it irritating when men go on about how 'women are impatient and sinful' for not accepting it or for finding it upsetting. Or are feminists etc. Of course it will hurt the women! Women are not robotos But be aware men who do exhibit these double standards or worse, those who abuse polygamy will surely be accountable. Everything adds up and provided we are patient we will also get recompensed.
There is nothing wrong with polgyamy itself is practiced properly. In fact it has many benefits and I personally know a few sisters who are happy in a polygamous marriage after choosing one. The problem lies with how it is practised and used in a way to oppress women, rather than how it should be used (to help women.)Imagine a woman with a long term condition or infertility. Such women may struggle to find a partner so may opt for polygamous marriages. Polygamy would give these women opportunities to get married. So try not to let the scary storys about cpolygamu marrages on the site get to you - there is good in polygamy and we should not try to make the halal haraam.
Sara
IsamicNswers.com Editr
assalaam alaikum
its better to tell your wife before u get married not after because of the devil
but now its on you choice # 1 you accept the easy way i think p.s you know ur man if u think he can handle 2 then why not
#2 or you don't (problems ) only if he can't then your saving him from hell or big sin
tell him i got 2 and the timing is hard sometime but i know how to make up for it
both of them know there time both have lists i think they both plan out there day very carefully anyway i like it like that
men that have 4 wives i salute you guys
females i know its hard trust me if i were a women NEVER but god is not testing me on that and i can't get that reward...... its a test on your faith and when u get test the devill is on your back
oh watch muftimenk marriage he got 2 wives too
i work from home because i needed more time for both + kids
if he is working 8-5 stick with one
always go to muftis for your questions not the internet your gona get mix reviews
salaam alaikum
Dear All,
Just be you and do not be overuled or over compromised by all the regulations and rules set in human's life which are sometimes overbroad or manipulated in a way that you are not awared of. Think out of the box and start to find and realise a life that you really need, somehow you will get to know more about yourself thru helping everybody, travelling around the world, etc. We do not get to paradise if we keep on praising on GOD but we will certainly go to the hell by doing harm things on others or the World.
Salam
Dear All,
I am a male 40 years, earning well mashallah and would like to comment on this issue. This is a common urge for men after 40 years of age and especially if they are well establish.
now after lot of thinking i come to two options:
1. Marry second women and please Allah.
2. Hire a mistress (on same expense) and please your wife
to all forum members including the sister who raised this question, kindly reply me your choice...
Salaam,
Sister be patient and don's ask for divoce because of this. Islamicly he has a right. I don't know if i can handle such pain (may allah prevent me from it) but I can advice one thing, based on my sis experience. You keep holding on to your marriege, you know why ?
You have come a long way with your husband, he has become wealthy because you were with him sincerely to have a good marriege. If he had a bad wife, she would have spend all his money and he wouldn't even think to marrry again 🙂
You know what are consequences of leaving him, you allow another woman to come in, and enjoy the money you have invested with your husband. Behind every successful husband, there is a good wife who have supported him LOL. Now after you left the other woman will not have pain for that money, you are making things easy for her. Your kids will suffer unnecessary while you should fight for your marriege.
Sister, change things in your house. I am sorry, but your husband might be bored with routine, consistent life 🙂 show him that you are a real up to date woman as well, and you can take care of his needs. he should find another reason for getting married again.
Woman who work don't have time to do things. BUt you can change things arround. Be up to date with your house. I ca not explain here i am born with hiyaa but you know what i mean.
If it come to a point where he is pressurising you to eccept his second marriege, let him. He might think all women are the same, and have fantasy in his brain. You keep being nice to him, dont change your behaviour towards him. He will realise after marriege how lucky he is with you. After finding out different characters and unnecessary tension in his life.
Second, it is all 2 wife mentality that, the 1 wife will give up and ask for divorce. My sister keep holding on, she will leave by running out of patient. LOL My brother in law got married with second wife for only 2 months. The second wife put too much pressure on him, saying that i thought your first wife will ask for divorce but she didnt. she become fed up. Also my Bro in law come to realise that he was lucky with his wife (my sis) because she was looking after him soo much, and 2 one didn't care about spending and didn't look after him.
Do what you think is islamicly right for you, but dont give up easly.
I can fully understand it is a very painful experience , may allah guide us towards right path.
Amna
Pls i have a question to all this sisters opposing polygamy.. Where is your evidence in the koran or hadiith that the first wife MUST AGREE to the second marriage before the second wife becomes legal for him??? In fact where did you got this idea of "the man MUST CONSULT his first wife before getting married to a second wife''???.. In islam There is only one condition that could stop a man from having multiple spouses,, and this one condition is "if he cannot maintain justice between the wives'' as Allah clearly pointed out in suratul nisa (chapter 4 of the holy quran).. But if he knows he can maintain justice btw the wives, then he can have multiple wives whether the first wife approves it or not.. Something these women must know is, Allah allowed polygamy in islam for the benefit of women. . Polygamy is more to women advantage than men.. These days you find many many women in there late 20s, 30s and 40s and still ummaried. Not to talk of the divorcees and widows that full the street .. And again naturally, the population of females in this world by far out number the males population.... Tell me, do you want these innocent women to remain single through out there life without a life partner??,, if it happens that you are one of these women, would you reject shearing a husband with another woman???.. You know, among all these women that are opposing polygamy, am very sure that all of you have husbands, otherwise non of you would reject polygamy.... It is a very difficult task for a woman in her teens, 20s, 30s, 40s to maintain her veginity because of the hormones battling inside them and the influence of the environment the leave in (specially for women leaving in the west)., if she can't control herself and dont have a husband that would satisfy her desires legally, she just have to get a dude that would sexually and emotionally satisfy her, or she become a public property or a whore (which is a huge and major sin)... I hope this ladies would see the logic behind polygamy and accept it with open hand and mind.
Eh? That is pure speculation mate. Actually its harder for males than females!
I have come across so many single Muslim men who aren't even virgins! Yet for some bizarre reason - they expect to marry a virgin!? Where they got this logic from is beyond me.
Right so men don't need permission?? Only a really SELFISH man would ever entertain the notion of marrying again without consulting his wife. This thus translates to - I don't care about your feelings. How is he expressing any love for his wife if ignores her opinions??
Sorry but polygamy is only of benefit to the women who are suffering from actual dilemmas eg they are much older, have kids, widowed etc Most single men would probably refrain from marrying those kind of women so naturally the only door open to them would be to approach a married man. However how is it of benefit to an educated, professional single lady?? Pray tell. What so if she's in her 20's & 30's you assume that no one is going to marry her?? How the heck do you know that?? Also there are plenty of men out there in their 30s & 40's that aren't even married! Are you saying they should marry a woman with a husband already?? Two wrongs don't make a right.
A woman's virtue is coveted by most men - so why shouldn't a single woman expect to marry a man who was a virgin as well eh?
You are a man so naturally you're going to act all sanctimonious & biased.
1. Brother I'm a teenage girl. I live in the west and I can tell you that I am perfectly capable of controlling myself. I've heard of many brothers who have disobeyed their parents and taken the wrong path and have commited some major sins .ie. zina(but still expect to marry virgins).
2. Women outnumber men because females survive longer then males. This does not mean that every area or country is completely deprived of men. In fact some areas of the UK have the a good number of muslims both Female and Males.
http://ucatlas.ucsc.edu/gender/Sen100M.html
3. However you are right on one thing it is meant to benefit those women who are divorced or widows but unfortunately men choose to marry young single virgins instead of older women.
4. No one is opposed to pologamy brother the reason why pologamy itself is perceived so negatively is because of the way in which it is practised by Muslim men today if they actually practised it accordingly based on the sunnah and the Quran they would know.
5. Should the husband consult his spouse?
Honesty is one of the most important things in a marriage.
So therefore it is important that he discusses this major decision with his wife
as it would ultimately affect her life as well as his. Plus she will naturally be wondering were is the money going.
Some men don't even consult their spouses before they marry which I think is rather disrespectful and insensitive and yet try to justify their behaviour without even reasoning. If you as brother understood the sensitive nature of a women you would understand that women are very emotional beings.For many sisters its very difficult to endure the pain and heartache please brother just try and understand taht women are sensitive.
you mentioned the "divorcees and widows that full the street ....., would you reject shearing a husband with another woman???."
No I would not mind if I knew a divorced women was struggling.
But the question you really should be asking is that would men consider marrying non virgins and taking responsibility for them. ( In reality brother the men who do enter pologamy do it because they desire it.Not for the sake of the sisters.
yes it is important to consult the spouse for a number different reasons
possible STDs which is rapidly spreading
If the wives aren't aware it causes suspicion amongst people in large Muslim communities.
I also think that pologamy should take place between couples open to.
some virgins are also are born with HIV/AIDs past by their fathers to their mothers.
5. pologamy is also misused my many men
many fail to treat their wives justly.
having their rights violated
salams sister i hope buy now allah has eased your pain the thing is better for a man to take another wife than do a harram and have an affair ti is better for every one involved more respectable and right in the eyes off allah as a wife whose husband is having an affair i rather he takes a second wife than pretend everything is ok i hope and pray that allah make it easy for you
@ Ana
Ana you moved my heart , your story opened my eyes.
(made me realize how selfish we can think sometimes a man just got different needs)
You got such a big heart today.And yes its not wrong for a man to have a second wife because Allah said so.
Far
Alslam Alikom
This is the answer I found at Yahoo answers and seems very relevant and to the point.
The wife’s approval is not a condition for plural marriage, and it is not obligatory for the husband to have the approval of his first wife if he wants to marry a second wife. But it is good manners and kind treatment to approach the issue in such a way as to reduce the pain which women naturally feel in such cases, by smiling at her, greeting her warmly, speaking nicely to her and spending money on her according to his means, in order to gain her approval. Fataawa Islamiyyah, 3/204.
If a husband takes a second wife, he has to treat his wives equally as far as possible. If he does not treat them equally then he is exposing himself to a stern warning, for it was narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever has two wives and inclines more towards one of them than the other, will come on the Day of Resurrection with half of his body leaning.” (narrated by al-Nisaa’i, ‘Ushrat al-Nisaa’, 3881; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Sunan al-Nasaa’i, no. 3682).
When Allaah permitted us to marry more than one woman, He said (interpretation of the meaning):
“but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (slaves) that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice”[al-Nisaa’ 4:3]
So Allaah commands that a man should restrict himself to one wife, if he knows that he cannot be just. And Allaah is the source of strength.
See Fataawa Manaar al-Islam, 2/570.
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid
It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever has two wives and inclines more towards one of them will come on the Day of Resurrection with half his body leaning.” Narrated by Abu Dawood in his Sunan (2/601). Al-Tirmidhi narrated a similar report in his Jaami’.
Source(s):
http://www.islamqa.com/en/ref/12544
http://www.islamqa.com/en/ref/88197
Assalaam Mualaikum.
Its allowed. Finish.
Imagine telling a guy who is inclined that way, No you cant take another wife?
But I want to, -
-I said no.
But I am allowed.
-I said no.
Why,
-Becase you have to please all of them.
Ok, I will.
-No you not.
So I am guilty of a crime I have not yet committed?
-Yes you are
What if I go ahead?
-Then she will be you first wife.
It goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on. Me, personally I am married and will always be open to the idea. Who knows what Allah has in store for us. A war could break out. A muslimah that I know could lose her husband and not have any support. You never know. Dont pray it doesnt happen to you. Instead pray that it happens only under the circumstances you can handle. If you cannot handle it, then part ways in a good manner. This is not the Catholic Church.
I notice the men are all in favor of having multipal wives but not think what if they were the wife.
Oops lots mistyping meant.... Correction: where is such an ayaat.... And the prophet wanted no other women besides ghadija on after her death years later he married again by the command of Allah
I'm a Muslim female & I also disagree with a man taking on a 2nd wife. It makes me laugh how people are bleating on about the Do's & Don'ts of religion!? What about the feelings women have as humans? Doesn't that count for anything? Ok so it's permissible for a man to take on a 2nd wife - makes me damn glad that I live in the UK where polygamy is illegal! If my husband took on a 2nd wife without my permission - I would A) divorce him & B) report him to the authorities!
People don't seem to realize that times have changed. Back then the role of women was different. Now women are independent, go out to work, are able to survive as single mothers etc. They don't necessarily need a man to survive. I mean some women choose not to marry at all - does it make them bad people?? No!
I believe if you are married & happy with your wife then why the heck do you NEED to marry again? Polygamy is NOT an obligation - if it was then wouldn't EVERY devout Muslim man taken on a 2nd wife already??
Why shouldn't he need his 1st wife's permission?? After-all this affects her as well. Once again this way of thinking just reflects the selfish nature of the man! If she objects & he does care about her then he wouldn't go ahead with it. Disregarding her feelings & marrying again - is that not haraam? Do you really want her bhad-duaa?? At the end of the day this is not about what he wants but her wants as well!
It's obvious that he only wants to remarry purely for sexual reasons - is that not haraam? Plus it's actually disgusting & unsanitary. A woman isn't allowed to take on more husbands because she won't know who the father of her child is. However what about the implications of taking on extra wives?? How does the man know of their character or general health? How does he know that they don't have some venereal disease etc he could be cross-infecting all his wives - yuck!
It annoys me - how hypocritical & self righteous men can be! They can't bear to share their woman with another man yet their 1st wives must accept another woman entering into her husband's life!? I like to meet a guy who can EQUALLY love all this wives... saying & doing are 2 different things! Can he guarantee that he won't favour one more than the other??
Plus like someone said - why would an educated, intelligent, professional SINGLE lady want to marry a guy with a wife already?? Talk about being unrealistic! Tell me - if a married man approached a single lady's parents and asked for their permission to marry her. What do you think the parents response would be?? Do you really think they would honestly give their blessing??? Yeah right (!) If I told my parents that my husband wanted to marry again they would tell me to divorce him!
People need to get real - this isn't only about religion - its about real people lives who are being played with. A person who intentionally breaks up a happy family for his own selfish gains will never be happy.
PS - I don't understand why so much importance is placed on the man. Back then - he was the breadwinner & the wife relied on him. It's pretty much the opposite nowadays (especially in Western countries)
There is all this speculation about why men look elsewhere eg he's bored with his wife, she isn't fulfilling his desires etc. What about if the situation was reversed?? What if he wasn't fulfilling his wife's desires. What is she supposed to do, where is she supposed to go? She can't take on a 2nd husband can she?? It works both ways - but no - in regards to men - its all "me, me, me" screw everyone else! Who gives a crap if i hurt others in my quest to marry again.
In my opinion - polygamy is legalised (in some countries) adultery. If there isn't a VALID reason for you to take on another wife then it is down to pure lust. In which case then yes it is haraam.
Polygamy cannot be compared to adultery. The couple are married. They have mutual rights that must be respected, their relationship is open and not secret, their relationship is recognized by the law (in a Muslim country). It has none of the characteristics of adultery (secrecy, shame, etc).
Be conscious of Allah and do not dispute with Him. He has allowed polygamy and forbidden adultery. You can argue that the institution of polygamy is often abused by men. I don't disagree. But to challenge the validity of the institution itself is to pit yourself against Allah the Exalted, and that's not a place I would want to be.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
So what if they are married?? If the 1st wife objects & he remarries then isn't he committing "adultery" in a way?? Just because he has married her - doesn't make it ok?
I'm sorry but I shall never accept it nor will 100000's of other Muslim women (including some really devout women as well) Does that make us all sinners for thinking this way??
Some ideologies don't belong in the here and now. Like many have said - just because its allowed doesn't mean it should be followed. It's not a necessity or an obligation mate..
Savannah, if you don't want to accept polygamy for yourself that's fine, that's your business. But if you say that polygamy as an institution is no longer valid and should not be practiced then you are more than a sinner, you are a disbeliever in Islam. To deny anything that Allah has legislated is to deny your faith in Islam altogether. Suppose I say, "I think the Fajr prayer is no longer valid because people nowadays are very busy in the morning, we have to commute to work. I believe in all the other prayers, but I think Fajr is not necessary." Such a statement would be tantamount to kufr (disbelief). I would be outside the fold of Islam.
Don't you think that Allah the Almighty knew that times would change? One of the precepts of our faith is that Allah knows the past and the future. So why would he create legislation that would become obsolete? Do you begin to see how, in challenging one aspect of the Quran, you challenge Allah Himself?
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Good news for all. The men of jannah will have - along with their wives - a hoor al-ayn - ie. two wives (at least).
To argue with the Sharia of Allah is pure ignorance. Im sure that those who do haven't read on the subject nor have met any plural marriage families. Rather they turn up their noses in arrogance.
"An empty vessel makes the loudest noise"
Allah is Most Just in dunya and akhira.
oh actually there are some cases where the man remarries but doesn't tell anyone. So yes its done in secret because he doesn't want his wife finding out. If that doesn't have the characteristics of adultery then I don't know what does.
Salaams,
I've been subscribed to this thread for a long time...well before I was asked to help as an Editor to this site. I've seen the gamut of responses to this issue in that time. I suspect the only reason this post hasn't closed yet is because polygamy is a very controversial issue and there are a lot of emotions about it, and it's always relevant as a result.
Personally speaking, when I first became Muslim the idea of polygamy was painful. I couldn't possibly imagine being in such a relationship if it ever came to that. I knew I would feel jealous, insecure, paranoid, and many other things. I would never let myself say that it was wrong or outdated, but I did feel inside that it was an unfair arrangement that would only end up hurting someone like me. I really could understand, and still do, why other women avoid it.
However, there have been situations that have come into my life which made polygamy a very real possibility for me and my husband. We have had to have serious talks about him being married to someone else, in a situation where he would, by necessity, be spending more time with her than I. That was an option only alternative to divorce altogether. The truth is, in the course of my time with my husband so far, I have had my true romance. I have had my ultimate love story. Those are years that can't be taken away, so if it was decreed that I should eventually have to share him, I can now accept it. I could live with the idea of him belonging to someone else and it wouldn't hurt, and it wouldn't make me feel like I'm less loved by him on any level.
I am not saying that it will come to that, I still don't know. I just had to prepare myself for the possibility and it wasn't as horrible as I had always dreaded.
On the other side of that coin, I also contemplated what would happen if we did divorce- what I would do. I am not the type to sit well with being lonely, never have been. I am fairly sure I would want to remarry. However, like I said before, I am having my great love, and so I wouldn't feel the need to go finding that again in someone else. I wouldn't feel the need to re-create the special bond I've had with my husband, but I wouldn't feel like sitting out the rest of my years as a single woman either. All of that being the case, I think I would RATHER be married to someone as a second wife, so I can still have the companionship I'd be missing without feeling like I need to have the man all to myself. I am rather independent and can take care of all my needs with or without support in that way, so I guess for me IF it came to that, I would rather be married to someone who is spending most of his time, money and energy on his primary family, and visiting me occassionally to keep me from being totally alone.
I know every situation is different, and truly none of us know what the future holds. We should be careful how we speak because what we see or feel or think now, may change with time and circumstance. Always be open to the possibility that Allah will bring one's heart in alignment with whatever He wills. There are too many times we think we can't handle something or that it wouldn't work for us, and Allah puts us into something that shows us how wrongly we under or over estimated ourselves. After all, if we are relying on Him as we should for our strength and sustenance, there is nothing that cannot be faced or accepted if He ordains and wills it.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Well I gotta tell ya, I saw this post wayy back when this post was originally posted and commented on it way back when and everytime this thread comes up in my email I pull it up and read the comments as I'm sure many do just out of curiosity for the different points of view and any word from the original poster which I'm sure has found an end to her situation whether it be divorce, her husband never took a second or she accepted polygamy and currently lives with it or what have you.
I just want to say I think it's sooooo funny, and not funny ha-ha but funny-rediculous how I've seen posts arguing the points against polygamy, citing humanistic reasonings, moral reasonings, general good character reasonings and plain old heartlessness and selfishness reasonings. I think it's just STUPID ... that's right I said it... that everyone sees that it says in the Quran that a man can take more than one wife and uses that to SELFISHLY negate any opposition from anyone, especially the current wife who I'm sure is panic stricken, heartbroken and begging for time and understanding. ABSOLUTELY NO heart do you men have to simply say, 'Allah allows it and I don't need permission and woman you'll just do what I damn say.' You men are NOT muslims. You men are NOTHING like the men that Allah knows can handle the situations that call for polygamy properly. Only a caring, kind man that can keep his eyes to the ground and his mind out of the gutter can step forward if a woman needed a second husband, and in that situation it would be OBVIOUS to the current wife the husbands motivations as it's just freakin obvious if someone is in need and your husbands intention is to help, rather than to marry someone he's devolped a crush on or wants to be a bedmate.
I just think it's disgusting how time after time opposers to the polygamist option rattle off clear, consise reasons why a man should take some time, show some kindness and some respect and consideration for the emotional wellbeing of his family and for the wifes emotional sake alone reconsider his decision........... and then hear the pro-poly men jump forward and say nothing but a heartless, "Allah permits it! Meep!". Give me a break, you jerks arent fooling anyone. Sorry for the poor stuck women in your houses, and I hope they all have the ability to find support from their families while you abuse your cultural position and FOR THE SAKE OF ALLAH do NOT make it seem like this approach of yours was Allah's intention when he permitted polygamy!!!!!! HE WOULD BE AND probably is DISGUSTED by how you are both tarnishing his pure intended allowance and how you show CRUELTY and a complete disregard for the nature of how a MUSLIM is supposed to be.... a person who seeks and helps maintain balance and peace in all places, ESPECIALLY HIS OWN HOUSE!!!! A real muslim may not have a beard, he may not love dates or drink tons of tea... you all remember that the minority of muslims are from the Middle East and even though the prophet was Arab his message was to the WORLD and Islam... my religion that's not only being HIJACKED by the minascule fundamentalists making headlines but also by pompass men such as yourselfs Tainting the original message of scientific thought, appreciation and recognition of others and self control and the Arab culture does not DEFINE Muslims and this is a cultural FLAW. Prophets first wife was not only his partner but FUNDED his business and was a powerful CONSULTANT and advice giver... and now you tell your little daughters and wives that they should show their respect and modesty by walking 20 feet behind you!!! You disgust me and when Islam is restored to it's original glory you will all be taught a severe lesson I assure you and the most horrible thing is that we ALL know you already know what you do is wrong and deny your common sense for self gain. Sensibility is obvious and those who oppose it make themselves out openly as fools. You're not fooling anyone... especially your wives or Allah so do yourselves a favor and if you ever put your wife through this horrible thing or threatened it because you wanted some young tart that didn't mind wedging herself between a husband and wife in a houshold, do yourselves a favor and go wash your wifes feet and beg her forgiveness, and HOPE it relieves you of some of your punishment in the here after!!!!!
Stacy
Assalamu Alaykum, sister.
I am a man but I agree with much of your post. However, as a newly reverted Muslim, I also need to see this backed up with references in the Quran to assure I am clear on the will of Allah (swt). Can you help and provide some suggested references?
Thanks.
Why are the sisters against polygamy so aggressive? What they fail to realise is that monogamy is something new and has only recently become illegal in the secular west.
People like Savannah are clueless. They are most likely on Indian-Subcontinent origin, a working-class background and from the wrong part of London. She said: "I have come across so many single Muslim men who aren't even virgins!" which makes her of questionable character. She must be socialising in questionable environments, obviously with the munafiq, whilst free-mixing. The only thing disgusting and unsanitary are these actions and her thoughts and words against Sharia.
Then those like Stacy who are judgemental. You think that men don't have emotions and don't consider others. Not only that, you pass a fatwa saying: "You men are NOT muslims". This is actually not true. What is true is a muslim accusing another muslim a kafir makes the accuser a kafir.
Men (and women) should not be apologetic for Allah's blessings. These peoples opinion holds no value whatsoever as they ask questions without seeking an answer let alone the truth. They impose their close-minded, secular views, causing issues and problems in the ummah. As if we didn't have enough to deal with!
Assalamu slay um first of all polygamy isnt a must but a permissibility if your husband wants a second third fourth wife then it's his choice jeez u can't force the guy to be yours but u don't need to be a co wife either my PROOF And if ye fear that they may not be able to keep the limits of Allah (to deal with each other fairly), in that case it is no sin for either of them if the woman ransom herself (by returning what the husband provided). These are the limits (imposed by) Allah. Transgress them not. For whoso transgresseth Allah's limits: such are wrong-doers." (Qur'an 2:229). So yeah let him have his four wives while u go do something productive in ur life increase ur faith instead of sitting at home and doing and feeling things shaytaan likes... This is for all women out there wu are in the situation don't feel bad don't worry ur normal no man wants to c his wife with another man either....but polygamy Allah made permissible so agree with it but doesn't mean u have to live it only those who want sister wives So u can leave and live productive life and still have the fairytale married life in mind as it will happen in jannah inshlh to a drop dead gorgeous guy inshlh life is only for about 100 yrs then it's gone so yeah so little time lucky for all mankind 😉
me being new to this thing....and after reading all of the comments ...i just want to know wht happened to sis S3 who originally posted this n wht's new with her situation....i myself i'm a second wife to a very kind loving caring muslim who proposed n came to marry me after the first wife gave him consent....bt while getting everything sorted out n papers ready...then she changed her mind saying no don't do it now ...my husband explained it ws too late n he had met with me several times n met my parents as well...i left my job to come to his country as well....he had his reasons to get a second wife she agreed told him to go 4 it n then started getting second thoughts playing with both our lives and minds...we stayed in contact for a long time after she been threatening she's gonna take the kids n all that....i was devastated ,heart broken n depressed for a long time ....after a while he still came n fulifilled his promise............now we been married for 3ys have a baby...but things have never been easy....it's a very complicated situation...i just want to say that whoever decides they allow their husbands to marry again for whatever reason it is...(illness,can't have babies....)plz make sure that's what u want n don't play with other ppl's lives n future.
Let me share a personal story .
My cousin , belonged to a very poor family . He was educated till high school and after his father's death , as he was the eldest of all his siblings , he had to financially support his family . He become a taxi driver . His mother got him married to a local women . 5 years later , they'd two children .
He used to live with with his wife , his mother and his two daughters . The salary he used to earn was not sufficient enough to fulfill the daily requirements of his family . So , he took some loan and went abroad in order to improve his family's financial condition .
He started to work as personal driver for a local university professor . The professor had a daughter . My cousin , as a personal driver , used to drop her off at her university and did similar work . Couple of years later , the professor started to search a suitable man for his daughter . Her daughter had completed her degree and was working . When the professor asked her daughter , whether she knew a any suitable man . His daughter , told him about the driver (my cousin) .
Her dad , initially was shocked but later he submitted to his daughter's wish . When both of them , the professor and the daughter approached my cousin for marriage . He turned them down and told them that he is already married . He also told them that there was a huge cultural difference b/w them . He was poor and of low social status where as they were totally opposite to him .
The daughter was adamant . She was not letting him go . My cousin told her that he needs to ask his first wife regarding this matter . His first wife agreed , and they , both were married .
After Marrige , my cousin and his second wife moved to my cousin's home country . That lady left everything just to be with him . Her luxuries , her comfort , her money , her career , everything you name it . Surprisingly , when the second wife moved in , with the first wife . They started to develop a sister relationship . They both became best friends and used to help each other in different tasks.
Their home was full of happiness and joy . They were not rich but yet so contented .
So yes , there are Men who practise polygamy in the right way and their are muslim women who are happy to accept it. This world Is full of different people with different personalities and behaviours . One thing might be accepted by someone and not by others . I am not an advocate of polygamy , nor rejector . The only reason , I shared this story was to tell people that there are happy endings .
Unfortunately , their happy lives were short lived and all of them died in the 2005 earthquake in Pakistan . May Their soul rest in peace .
Dear all
I woul like to make an important note to all ....... Islam allowed polygamy not because of war widows or over wealth of a man but Mohammed understood the basic urge of a male human being. A man is always polygamous and he fulfills it either by thoughts or by practise. He has a natural urge to have sex and with multiple partners. He is never satisfied with single women in love and sex eventhough his women gives her abundance of love and sex to him. He needs a change. The success of Mohammed is fully rooted on his 9 wives. He never had a sexual frustration. That was his immense success which conquered continents in no time. The greatest contribution of Islam is polygamy or natural sexuality. If a man is sexually satisfied his out put is 1000 times.
Hypnotise all so called monogamous husbands, you will find that they are interested in neighbours wife or friends wife. This is a fact. Don't turn your face from greatest human being called Mohammed.... Peace be upon him a thousand times.......
Remember...... A women needs on one shoulder to surrender her love..... But a man verily needs multiple partners to share his love and sex. It's a natural must. Mohammed insisted legality just because to safeguard the ignorant Quraish Arab's exploitation of law.
All comments are welcome..... I love Mohammed...... And I am 45 yrs and extremely hapy with my loving wife and kids but will marry another women sooner just because I like romance and sex like every other man.
All comments welcome....
Akhtar
Salaams,
Just for the record, women are quite capable of having affection, love, attraction, desire, care etc for more than one man at a time. It's not just a "man" thing. Although men may be arguably weaker at controlling themselves in this regard (although I personally don't believe this to be the case) and that may be one of the reasons men are allowed polygamy, certainly it isn't the main or predominant reason or it would put women who are especially amorous at a strict disadvantage.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Asalaam alaikum,
Capable in a moral, ethical and Islamic sense? No. For part of a woman's basis in Islam is her chastity and modesty expressed in the love on one husband. History shows us that the women of past societies who engaged with more than one lover saw the end to their community by more powerful nations that practiced the natural order of human beings, i.e. one woman only having one husband, partner and lover.
Islam did away with this practice of one woman with many husbands, as this was a mark of the Age of Ignorance. Neither Christianity or Judaism supported this idea, either. Yet, in one Biblical story there is a woman whose promiscuity is related as a great calamity for her husband. I have not done the research to see what Islamic scholars say on this story, but Biblical scholars have said it was proof of the disobedience given as an example of the tribe of Israel.
Salaams,
With all due respect, I wasn't talking about acting on the feelings. I was simply saying that women can care for two men or more at once even while acting appropriately, because the previous post seemed to make it say that such a thing is impossible. The reasons we care for people, or care for more than one person at once, usually have more to them than just strict lust. Needless to say, it becomes neither men nor women to heedlessly chase every desire, even under polygamy. So there again the point made in the post I responded to falls short.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Asalaam alaikum,
Agreed that your point goes beyond the lust, however, it then becomes an issue of the lower nafs binding it to morality and ethics concerning the soul. It would arise within the person to battle against these issues within the heart to purify it so that it may not rest inside their subconscious and conscious actions.
The verse by Allah (swt) saying not to come "near" fornication is not just a physical proximity, but also concerns the feeling itself. This is not only a recommendation to avoid the physical zina, but the zina of the heart, the mind, the eyes, etc. What is the fornication of the heart? It's not just a thought of lust, but a thought that goes into the emotional side, too.
So if the feeling is thought to be appropriate when not manifested in physical means, it denies the fact that it still bears a weight upon the spiritual self, denying elevation and ascension in the metaphysical world which leads to the hereafter. It thus becomes inappropriate on the soul and the physical body.
This is why a purification of intentions is stressed in Islam. In this respect, we should acknowledge that when the Holy Prophet Muhammad (saw) ascended to Heaven, it was because he was purified in both dimensions of two realms, both from the outside and from the inside. This is a part of his nearness to Allah (swt) that we should also strive towards.
1. Firstly the prophet (SAW) did not seek worldly pleasure the reasons why he took them are unknown.
Many scholars believe that he and many of the sahaba's did it for the protection and the safety of war widows.
2. He was married to khadijah for 25 years so he did practice monogamy
3. The greatest contribution of islam is not pologamy it is the divine book of guidance
4. you shouldn't be gazing at your neighbours wife women were not placed on this earth just to please men. The reason why men and women were created was for one reason and that is to worship Allah that is why the prophet Muhammad (SAW) emphasised so much on salah (he said that salah is the key to paradise.
brother even though your old you should still lower your gaze.
Dear Akhter,
Read this please:
http://www.islamawareness.net/Polygamy/fatwa004.html
It will give you you better understandering of the wisdom and clear up some of the misconceptions.
oh and by the way everything has limitations in islam even intimacy between the husband and wife the prophet (SAW) set an example for everything.
Being very open and straight...its natural that woman stress more on better relatonship than sex and man wants both things more... and in today's world woman are becoming more materialistic and hence get involve in several other things i.e. career oriented, than concentrating on her husband, therefore this generates a feeling of second wife in search to fullfill his natural desires.
Both man and woman are correct in their feeling. Man should not do unjustice and woman should not stop his husband, and if she really wants to stop her husband going for a second wife, she should know what a man wants from his wife...but being within the limist of ISLAM and she should live with his husband in such a way that her husband cannot evan get a time to second option. This is reality...
All what I have writen does not require and research or intelligent brain, as ALLAh made life very simple and its just like an open book exam with Quran as a open guide for all during the exam.
All of us can write 1000s of pages on pros and cons, this will be of no use and probably we'll end saying something thats will become a sin on our head, as this is a religious matter.
Women will never accept this or like this and men will always keep on doing this. But as in this case man is the one trying to go for second one, therefore women sould try to get as much involve as possible with her husban, not just expressing love by word but in all permitted ways and make dua to ALLAH which is the best possible solution ever available.
I;ve already written a long note, but if both man and women knows what each other exactly wants there will be no issues.
I believe the problem here is not whether or not polygamy is permitted in Islam, but how the original poster feels about the situation.
There are many posters who have said what they feel the reason that the Koran gives permission for more than one wife, for example, many have said that men have different sexual needs or that in times of war there were more women than men. These are opinions. Actually, the Koran does not say what the reasons are for the permission. We can only speculate.
But it is clear that according to Islam, we should not lie, nor purposely harm other people. We should not be doing things in secret. There are stipulations on how a man should treat his wife, with kindness and respect.
No, it does not specifically say in the Koran that a man should tell the first wife that he intends to marry another. But in kindness it should be done. Another marriage affects the first wife and children in profound ways. The husband now must spend half his time with the new wife. In openness and trust in a partnership between two people (isn't that marriage?) there should be no deceit.
There are so many reasons one could give as to why the Koran gives permission for a man to have more than one wife. It does not say he MUST.
I believe the original poster was upset for good reason. She had helped her husband financially and in his business for many years. She was asking help with her emotions.
When I met my husband, I didn't know much about Islam, and after a while he told me that a man could have more that one wife, BUT he must get permission from the first wife before he marries a second.
LIE # 1
After we were married, he told me that he doesn't need permission, but must tell the first wife first.
LIE # 2
So I begged and pleaded with him to tell me if he ever wanted to marry a second wife to PLEASE tell me first. He promised and promised he would never do that to me. He promised and promised he would tell me first. He swore up and down how much he loved me.
My husband married another woman without my knowledge 10 years ago. I found out later, that it was a "sufi" marriage and she became pregnant and they had to marry "legally". We had a house overseas and one in the US. I helped him start his business and worked without pay in his business. We had a daughter who dies as an infant and then had two beautiful sons. When I went to the US to visit my ailing mother during the summer, my husband had the second wife stay in MY house overseas, sleeping in OUR bed. He bought her her OWN apartment, but it seems he had to have her in OUR bed. They had 3 kids together and he named the first daughter the SAME NAME as OUR deceased daughter.
He mortgaged the house in the US that I paid half the money for to use to buy the second wife things, and she used everything that belonged to me. For many years, I worked and gave my full salary to him and then he wanted me to work with him in our business and I gave up my career. He mortgaged our house in the US which it seems that he used to buy her apartment.
He told me everything 2 years ago. Right at this moment, I am in the US and she is sleeping in OUR bed overseas. He also admitted to "marrying" other women in the US for a short period of time.
I believe the whole point of the original poster in NOT whether or not it is permissible for a man to marry more than one wife, but how he goes about it.
I was trying so much to accept the situation, but I am not even getting half my time. He is with her 2-3 months and me 3-4 weeks and when he is with me, he is on the phone with her at least an hour or more a day.
Is this equitable? What are my choices?
According to the brothers here, I should just grin and bear it. "He is allowed".
But is a man allowed to be deceitful? Is a man allowed to take from one wife and give to another?
I am not talking about the "permission" that a man is "allowed" to have more than one wife. I believe the whole point is about being equitible, and fair. "SHE" knew about me. She was engaged to another man and left him to be with my husband. She had all the knowledge and was able to make a decision about the situation. I did not know anything for many years.
I do not believe that the "permission" to marry more than one wife is a carte blanche for a man to do whatever he pleases regardless of anyone's feelings. That is selfish. A woman should know what is going on so she can make a decision too.
Some other poster made a good analogy that the Koran may allow one to eat goat meat, but that doesn't mean that one MUST eat it. Just because it is "allowed" in the Koran to marry more than one wife, doesn't meant that all women can accept the situation and that doesn't mean that they are being selfish and self centered. Not everyone can do it. For me, to be presented with, "I'm married and have 3 kids" that happened while I was married is a lot to swallow at once. To have my angel daughter's name given to a child of another woman and that this woman is sleeping in my bed and using all my things feels like a violation.
I don't believe this is the way it should be: lying and deceit and loss of trust and respect.
The truth: I'll take half our marital problems, but the decision to solve them by marrying another instead of trying to resolve them with me is 100% his. I do know I was a good wife as I could possibly and did everything I could possibly do for him and I love him with all my heart.
He told me that he could never be satisfied with one woman.
The whole point I am trying to make, is not whether or not it is permissible, but how it is done. My husband admits to lust.....
Now what? Divorce is supposed to be the last resort. I am not even getting "half" of his time. He tells me is might be looking for wife # 3.
In my husband's case, I feel he is using the permission of marrying more than one wife as an excuse, not as real marriage.
So, because I was betrayed of my trust, things that were mine were given to another woman, I am being selfish and self centered? I should just accept this because it is "permitted"?
To be absolutely honest, if my husband had told me that he was not happy with our marriage and we tried to fix anything he was not happy with and it didn't work and he gave me the option that ok, we can divorce, or I'll marry someone else, I can understand that. I would have had a choice. I would have the choice of sharing him or living on my own with my kids.
I'm talking about a specific circumstance right now, not about whether or not it is permissible. He flirts with other women and dates them and talks about marrying someone else. This is not using a permission. It is using the permissioin as an excuse for his lust.
One more thing I do want to say. Yes, men may have more "desires" in general. But human beings also have innate desires to take what they want and soceity and God's laws prohibit them from just taking things from others. It is called stealing. We get angry enough to hit someone and possibly cause mortal harm, but that is called killing. Humans have instincts and God's laws prevent them from doing whatever they want. A poor man may want something that doesn't belong to him, but he doesn't follow through on his innate instinct to just take. The same wiht men. Just because they have an innate instinct to lust after women does not give them an excuse to do so.......
Salaams,
I just wanted to point out real quick that there is no such thing as a "Sufi" marriage. I think what you may have meant is "urfi" marriage. "Sufi" is the word that is used for someone who practices Sufism, which is a esoterically spiritual and mystical approach to Islam. In general, Sufis don't conduct their nikkahs any differently than any other mainstream Muslim would.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
so you let your husband exploit your wealth when its his responsibility pay for her and your provisions
As Salamu Alaikum,
It is very sad that someone will use religion as an excuse to satisfy his animal needs. It's more sad to excuse the ones who are doing it. It just makes me wonder, how is it that men can be seen as strong beings, yet, some of them are so weak when it comes to lust. After all, any human worth to be respected as a human with a faculty to reason, should not act as a beast. Isn't our faculty to reason what makes us different from the beasts?
OmTamer, your story speaks volumes. As a woman, I do really feel your pain. I am speechless!
I wish muslim men who admire polygamy warn the women they are about to marry that they will marry more than one wife. Unfortunately, even though truth is a basic moral rule in islam, the women do not find about their husbands contemplating polygamy until after marriage or even after having kids.
May Allah help us deal with whatever we are dealing with.
Salam
Amy,
I'm sorry, I used the wrong term. You are correct, it was "urfi" marriage. I apologize.
OmTamer
Asalaam alaikum,
Reading your story, I must ask, "why do you not exercise your choice to divorce him?"
It seems entirely reasonable that this your option and a just one. While you say that the Qur'an does not literally talk about permission, it does talk about oppression and in the regard to marriage, about doing justice between the wives. It seem to me that in your marriage, you have been oppressed and unjustly treated.
This may be one reason why some Islamic scholars have said that the first Muslim wife's permission must be sought. The way your husband went about it violated several of your Islamic rights and so, you are entitled to the divorce as a means of stopping this oppression.
Hi, can a man marry without permission.
pls let me know.
He does not any permission according to Islam but according to our so called rules and laws
1.yes he should just consult her if he respects her feelings.
2. it must be publicised
In fact it is the sunnah of the prophet (SAW)
the prophet himself publicise all marriages
3.the second must be treated the same as the first.
equally
Muslims will remain fighting and remain confused on issues where they dont consult contemporary scientific approaches and simply science. we are still discussing is horse halal or haram...........Lol......where even Kuffar is not eating it very much......
I am sorry with some of my sisters here, but practically speaking muslim women need sex education (within limits) and ways to please the evils of her husband.........most of them dont know what and how to do......
again for that please consult science and doctor (any Muslim Mufti Dr would be very appropriate).
or else keep fighting as the thread started on 2009 and today 2012.........
how to do what?
we all do what the prophet (saw) told us to do