Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My Mom won’t let me marry the Guy I Love

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Asalaam Aleikum,

I'm a 19 yr old girl living in Canada, and having problems with my mom about my marriage, she wants me to get married to my cousin and he lives in Pakistan.

The guy I love has told his family everything about us and that he wants to marry me. I've also met them and they're very nice people ALLUMDULILAH

The only problem is my Mom is really causing problems saying that love marriage is haram and she only wants me to marry her brothers son and I know Ii will never be happy with me I have only planned my marriage to Noman (the guy I love) please help me out I don't no how to convince my mom.

- amna


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4 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    Certainly your mother is wrong that "love" marriages are haram, of course there is nothing haram about being in love with your intended. The only thing she may be correct about is the fact that it is not "required" for a couple to be in love in order to marry.

    What is haram, however, is for a parent to force their daughter to accept a marriage proposal to someone she doesn't want to, regardless of the reason. I can understand that culturally your mother probably sees many more benefits to you marrying your cousin than someone outside the family, but that doesn't entitle her to manipulate you into a decision to choose something you wouldn't otherwise.

    Volume 7, Book 62, Number 67:

    Narrated Abu Huraira:

    The Prophet said, "A matron should not be given in marriage except after consulting her; and a virgin should not be given in marriage except after her permission." The people asked, "O Allah's Apostle! How can we know her permission?" He said, "Her silence (indicates her permission)."

    It's always a tricky situation when parents behave selfishly against their children, but yet the children are wrong if they don't show proper Islamic respect for their parents' wishes. It's pretty clear you are already doing all you can to speak up against the situation. Continue to hold your ground in a respectful way, as you have the right to reject any proposals that are given to you.

    You mentioned that you had met the family of the man you would like to marry, but did not mention if he had taken the time to speak with your family about his wishes to marry you. If he has not done that, it would be vitally important for him to do so at this juncture. If he asks for your hand in marriage, and your parents reject his offer, then you must discontinue your affiliation with him at once. If you try to "keep things going with him" knowing your parents do not approve, it would be a haram interaction. This would not mean, however, that you would have to accept anyone your parents found acceptable. It's still ultimately your choice.

    Regardless of what happens, you should continue to try to work on your communication and relationship with your mother. Try to understand how it seems from her point of view, hoping that Insha'Allah she will become more open to hearing how you feel about things. You are going to need her support and wisdom no matter who you end up marrying, because even when a marriage starts with a lot of love, it still has it's difficulties as time goes on and that is when the care of extended family becomes a real blessing.

    Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Keep saying NO till she stops or pouts her brains out.

  3. Dear amna
    Love marriage is not haraam. What your mum is doing is emotionally blackmailing you to give me because it is family and also demanding to her choice. You have a right to chose your husband it is your life. My advise from experience is DO NOT marry your cousin if you have already chosen your partner and you are 100% sure you want to marry your chosen shaathi (husband). Be honest and open sister with your mum so she see’s sense and open her eyes for your happiness. You MUST stick to your decision and make your mum see sense and do not back down you have a right to voice your opinion on your future. Wishing you all the best

  4. Salam sister,
    tell your mother that her ideaology of "love marriage" as haram is incorrect. If it is done through proper channels (parental involvement, etc) then there is nothing wrong with this type of marriage. I can sense this guy is serious and not up for fun and games, alhumdulillah. Tell your mother he is sincere, his family is also kind and respectful and that you will NOT be happy with your cousin. Explain to her with kindness and gentleness that this is about your whole life and islamically you have the right to choose your partner. If your mother sees some flaw in him that is justified, then the tables turn to her side. However, you seem to be suggesting that it is only because she wants you to marry your cousin that she dislikes this person: that's not a sufficient reason. There may be many underlying reasons that your mother is enforcing her views on you (i.e.: it's her brother's son and this could possibly cause rifts amongst them if you refuse) but for her, her daughter's happiness should come first. Explain to her that what matters more, your happiness or the happiness of other family members? As long as this guy is a pious muslim with a good character and is able to provide you well, your mother should not have an objection. I am sure she will eventually understand if you remain kind and persistent: after all you are her daughter! :)

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