My mom’s in love with another man
My dad many years ago had a few physical relationships however he has always loved my mom more than anyone in this world. They had a love marriage. He left his family and everything else for her (not that she asked him to do so).
Both my parents always worked together as fashion designers, they loved each other a lot. But in 2004 my dad went to dubai and lost all his money there in property business. We were going through a rough patch (it was very bad) when my mom's friend's husband came in and helped. He gave my family a lot of money to repay the people my dad had taken money from and my mom as well as she had to repay a lot of people too, and to set up a new business for my dad (in short we are what we are because of him). This man did not have a good relationship with his wife as the wife didn't care for him. His wife also could not have children so he started taking us (my sibling and I) as his own. Over time he started taking my dad's place and started to get extremely close to my mom. He gave my sibling all those presents that my dad could not afford. He used to care for my dad but I don't think he cares for him anymore since mom and him became best friends. Over time my mom found all the qualities in him that my dad never had and he started to think that my mom had all those qualities in her that his wife never had. They started to fall in love. Meanwhile my mom's relationship with my dad was getting destroyed.
I loved this man a lot. I was also going through a rough patch with all the fighting going on and all. I started loving him more than even my parents. I love him a lot and he cares for me the most after of course my mom. I expected him to always be there for me but my mom always comes first. He loves me but his love isn't constant for me - sometimes I feel as if he only loves me because of mom.
Anyway, last year I found out how far their relationship has gotten and it ruined me. I cried (still do for several hours each night), they do not understand my problems. My life revolves around my family; my parents used to be my role models once but now it's all gone. I never misbehaved with my parents but now I've changed with them. Mom and uncle, they lied to me so many times about so much that I can never trust him again. Mom only spends time with him not us anymore (on mobile they never meet each other), my mom once had such an amazing character. All they can think of especially my mom is each other. They talk for hours everyday. She has a seperate mobile for him.
I heard my mom saying that she loves him more than us children, and my dad is miserable. They blame everything on my dad. He's getting separated from his wife (she doesnt know anything) and my dad knows stuff but still loves the man - he says that it's mom's fault not his. Their emotional affair is torture for me. And I am involved in all of this. This is just a tiny summary of everything.
Am I at fault? My dad? Or mama and that guy. What is happening? Why do I love him so much? Im 16 in torture please do reply and think about it.
armana
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Dear Armana
Sorry to hear the sad ordeal. Anyhow, being just 16 and facing this all has made you strong. You are not at fault, neither your dad.
(Remainder of comment has been deleted - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)
How can you say that nobody is at fault and that all of this is natural? Her mother should have kept her distance from this man. Would you think the same way if you had gone through something similar and your wife became close to another man?
[Editor: Edited to remove unpleasant comment]
, oops I'm a muslim I can't say these things to a muslim brother, I take it back..., my apologies..., I think you should take what you said back as well...., is it the way you put: "You are the best of the nations raised up for (the benefit of) men, you enjoin what is right and forbid the wrong and believe in Allah" Chapter Al-Imran. into practice?
Did what you said comply with enjoining what is right and forbidding what is wrong? And the one who's silent about the truth is a silent devil. Didn't you know? May Allah Guide us ajma'een.
Anyway, going back to ARMANA:
Armana, true it is a difficult time that we sometimes are put onto test; what I'd recommend is to pray to God for a solution because he knows best and pray because He listens and pray because his plans much better than the plans of your mom and her lover.
Secondly, if there's anyone you qualify influential on your mom like your mother-side grandmother or someone who could have the authority that your dad lost with your mom, just talk to them maybe they will straighten your mom back to reality.
Never lose hope, and be wise most of all.
I pray that things will go to a settlement soon.
Thanks Human & Ess for commenting on my response. Infact, i never wanted to offend this young girl or any other person on this community. I have passed through the same situation being a child, and have seen myself helplessly flowing with the wind. I honestly felt very sad after seeing this girl's post, remembered my childhood and comments came out with tears in my eyes. I can really feel her pain, as i have been in the same shoes. But life do take these unexpected turns and we're put to test. I apologize to you both and to this young girl. May ALLAH SWT help her in this difficult way.
To Armana, try to recite: "Subhan Allah e Wabe Hamdehi Subhan Allah hil Azeem" as many times as you can. Read " Innama amruhu iza arada shaya'un ayyaqula lahu kun fayakuun" from Surart Yasin regularly. This is what i did in the same difficult time. Even the things happened the way i never wanted to, but ALLAH made me strong during that all.
Thank you and i beg your forgiveness once again.
Eid Moubarek Brother. Pray for this young girl!
your response wasn't offensive at all. It would've just passed for negligence of my part if I haven't commented on it.
Salam
Assalaamualaikam
Your comment was needlessly unpleasant. We should wish for our brothers and sisters what we wish for ourselves. Please avoid posting such things in future.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Sister Armana, I'm very sorry you're going through this and I can only imagine the pressure and confusion you're feeling.
I think the reason you feel that you love this man is the fact the he has always been around and always been good to you. However keep in mind that good deeds in the past don't excuse for bad deeds in the present or the future. He knows your mother is a married woman and he should respect that and keep only formal ties with her. Also, he is a non-mahram and thus he shouldn't be getting friendly with your mother. You seem to think of him as a good man? Maybe you can talk to him about how you feel about him being so unacceptably close to your mother? It would be very difficult but it would show his true colours (if he is a good man who has simply gone astray, your talk will open up his eyes and he will keep his distance) and then perhaps you wouldn't be so confused about him. So far he has shown suspicious character but I think he deserves the benefit of the doubt.
As for your mother, well, there is not much to say. She is wrong to be getting so close with a non-mahram man, to be neglecting her husband and her children, in addition to the fact that she is contributing to the wrecking of her children's home. If you can, talk to her, tell her that she is wrong and that this is negatively affecting the whole family especially her children and that she is on the very verge (or perhaps she's already there, I'm not very knowledgeable about Islamic rulings) of committing one of the greatest sins as well as what will probably be the greatest mistake in her life.
As I said, I know this is very difficult for you and I'm terribly sorry you're going through this and may Allah guide you, help you, strengthen you and ease your despair.
after reading this post i can tell you must be struggling to see your parents drifting apart. its your mothers and her friends husbands fault. you cant only blame one person, it takes 2. that's why in Islam women should not get too close and friendly with non mahrams. because attraction can develop, feelings can develop and that's how the heart can sway. your father must be in great pain and suffering.
you said you heard your mother say, that she loves him more than us children. i cant believe some can say such a selfish thing. normally a mother will put the children first, and do anything to keep a family not break up a home..
when your family was going through hard time, your mothers friends husband came as a savior kind of thing, and felt sense of security, emotions, feelings getting all mixed up. instead of going to your father for constant love someone who will always be there for you, you went to him thinking he will be there for you.
peace..
It is Haram .You mom and this man are at fault .Your Mom's affair is Haraam and you warned her about it .Ask your dad why he is silent ? tell your grandparents about this and take help from them . Your mom seems to be behind money and she rejected your father once he becomes bankrupt .No doubt she might even reject her kids for the sake of money or rich man ....
OP: I loved this man a lot. I love him a lot and he cares for me the most after of course my mom. I expected him to always be there for me ..........but my mom always comes first. He loves me but his love isn't constant for me - sometimes I feel as if he only loves me because of mom.
You want him to love you like a lover or as a uncle? What difference it makes if he loves you because you are his friends daughter?
You did not say, I love my father a lot. That guy is a non-mahram to you and your mother.
Why is your father not concerned about relationship between your mom and your uncle?
You are 16, you should be focussing on getting education.
Essalam Alaykum To y'all,
I see that the Muslim world is full of angels around: I only meant that he shouldn't go negligent about a serious matter, I didn't wish him that at all. After all, Allah knows my intentions and y'all don't. On top of that he apologized and I wished him a happy Eid and it's all settled. No, drama please. I just wanted him to feel what it's like to be in her shoes. True, I could've said differently.., but I didn't mean any offense.
The amount of Drama on this thread is more related to Mahmood's and my comments than to the girl who needed help. What a pity!!
Salam Alikum All.
Your intention is between you and Allah, but you are judged by what you bring outside, even if it contradicts with your intention--so watch your words carefully. Also, wishing brother Mahmood Eid Mubarak is not an apology.
This thread right here is a reflection to what's happening in the Muslim world (although a small one): diverting from reality and focusing on minor stuff that are mostly inaccurate, judgmental and can't be proven right or wrong by any possible means..
If y'all save your energy and just focus on the real problem outlying here: "A 16 year old girl needing help and advise for a cheating mother and a family falling apart".., a family falling apart is the same whose construction is named "half the deen"..., you're focusing on me and mahmood while the real issue is someone's halfdeen falling apart...,
May Allah guide us all..., after all we're not perfect men or women here, we're no scholars, we're just people giving advice.., stop acting like you're the most decent of'em all..., subhanna Allah
The OP has received good advice by others, without focusing on brother Mahmood. So why did you focus on him in the first place if you didn't want any one to focus on you? You judged him before knowing his intention. Everyone is only telling you to be careful with your words, and not repeat the same thing here or somewhere again. That's all.
peace to you buddy, peace.
Human: I see that the Muslim world is full of angels around
And aren't they lovely? 🙂
" I didn't wish him that at all" "I just wanted him
to feel what it's like to be in her shoes."
You don't want his family to fall apart but you want him to feel what she's feeling (which is the sorrow of her family falling apart)? Your statements contradict each other and therefore they confuse me.
And, eid mubarak to you too 🙂 and everyone else as well!
As-salamu alaykum. I don't want to see any more posts on the "argument" between Mahmood and Human. Let's please focus on advising the OP.
Sister Arman, this man that has come into your family and ruined it is not a savior, nor is he your uncle. He is a non-mahrem, unrelated to you or your mom. In truth, he is a Shaytan.
If he had been a good person he would have helped with your parents' debts without expecting anything in return beyond simple repayment (without interest) of the loan. Instead, he used the loan as a way to insert himself into your family and steal your mother's affections from your father. He took advantage of her at a time when she was lonely. Of course she is to blame also, as a good Muslim woman would never have let a strange man come into the household in this way. In fact, it is not appropriate for a non-mahrem man to even set foot in the house when the husband is away.
He has even stolen the love of the children from their father, may Allah protect us.
Is your father with the family now? Or is he still overseas? If he is overseas then you should tell him exactly what is going on. You might also confront your mother and demand that she end the relationship with the "uncle", though I doubt that will work.
Beyond that, you need to analyze your own feelings for the man. Do you have a crush on him? Are you in love with him? I suggest you work on eliminating those feelings from your heart, and work on repairing the relationship with your father.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Finally, a wise answer. Thank you Brother and I pray that this girl' will see things going back to normal soon.
Peace.
good answer
Hii thank youu sooo much for your help and I really appreciate it it. However, I believe that I was not able to make you guys understand this whole situation properly so I will like to explain in a bit more detail.
My mom
-she has had an amazing character all her life. Not once ever has she looked at a non mehram
- people in the same profession as my mom wear tiny clothes hang out with guys wear tiny clothes and what not but my mom has never ever done any of this she wears a scarf (not on her head) wears loose clothes does not even shake hands with guys
-she loves her kids
- is not very responsible
-used to love my dad more than anything in this world till 2008 ( they had their differences
-
My dad
Loves us children a lot
- has a bad character does not drink or anything but occasionally over years he has had a few physical relationships
-loves and has loved my mom a lot
-always gave my mom financial control
-is adorable and very romantic
-not at all responsible ( by responsible I mean that when im out with friends he wont call or wont attend my p
Arent teacher meetings wont check my mobile wont make an effort towards making are results better and you know stuff like that)
- has done a few major loses in business
-would buy anything for my mom my siblings and I even if its the last money he has
My uncle ( I love him like i love my dad)
-hes like an angel
-has helped this family in any possible way he could.
-is my moms friends husband
-does not have children of his own because his wife couldn't have children
-his wife never loved him
-his parents died when he was young he has no family life
-he adopted a child who isn't normal ( he still loves the child)
- he tried everything he could do to help my dad get out of that financial crisis
-gave him money to start different businesses
-never asked him to repay or give interest on the money ( he knows that when my dad has enough money he will repay him immediately)
- he is responsible he calls me and scolds me wgen im out late with friends or if I dont study or if I wear tiny clothes
- he loves my siblings and I the way he would have loved his own children
- he might love me the most in this whole world ( I was upset one day and ran away from my house for like half an hour he was in abother city he came back immediately crying)
- he loves my dad as well
- loves my mom a lot after me or before me or maybe as much as me
- he too has had a really good character all his life
- is rich ( but gave us money even when he didnt have it)
- he cries and stays very upset because of what he did ( fell in love with my mom) so is the case with my mom they feel as if they hace ruined them selves in the world and the hereafter.
My relationship with him is just like a daughter he hugs me and kisses me ( on my cheaks ) just like my dad he cares for me a lot and I love him as much as my parents he cares more for me even than my own parents.
- my dad too loved him a lot and respects him ecen though he know everything about my uncle and mom
Its because of my uncle that my parents are together my mom has been wanting a divorce since the past 6 years but my uncle never let her take it so us kids would not suffer
So basically when my uncle did so much for our family he became a part of our family we all started loving him a lot including my dad. He over time became very good friends with my mom and my dad didn't mind because ge trusted the 2 of them. Now my dad has always been an irresponsible man ans my uncle on the other hand was the opposite ( I explained this above in my previous post) now because both my parents worked and my uncle had invested money on them my uncle started interfairing because when my parents fought my mom used to stop going to work and then my uncle used to call and scold her to go to work or to you know do the jobs that she should be doing. Over time my dad started loosing his place ( dad didn't realize) and my uncle ( without wanting to do so took his place) he kept on getting closer to my mom when ny mom saw it coming and realized what was happening she went and told my dad but my dad did not take the matter seriously ( major reason my mom hates my dad now)
Now since the past 3 years my uncle and mom have had the biggest emotional affair ever ( not a physical one) my mom hates ( not the crazy hate type of a hate she just does not want to forgive him due to his physical affairs loses in busnesses not taking care of us children properly and letting my uncle so close to the family) my dad and mom hace been sleeping in different rooms since the past 4 years my mom and uncle love eachother a lot they want a future together but dont do so because of what the worlds going to say they are always talking to eachother tgey have so many sexrets that you guys cant even imagine like my mom has 3 mobiles and I just know one mobiles number and she never tells me the passwords abd so is the case with my uncle hes very secrative and my dad im sure he has a few affairs at the moment he codes on his mobile too recently. Ive talked to all 3 my dad knows everything my mom and uncle know that I know about their relationship ( as I read my moms messages last year and they had been very romantic with eachother in those messages) I swear my life had been hell for the past 3 years due to all this. Due to mom and uncles lies I cant trust anyone and I love them the most
Whose fault is this? What should happen? Is there anything I can do? And in islam whatever you do depends on your intentions right? So is okay for me to love my uncle like a father and like hug him like I hug my dad? The stuff I told you guys in the points are kind of like facts so they are 100 % accurate
Assalam alaikum,
I assume that you are the original poster (?).
You have written a lot--but most of it is opinion and is not factual. For example, when you write that your uncle's wife didn't love him--you have absolutely no way of knowing what happened between them.
You have written that your uncle loves you like a daughter and kisses you on the cheek - this is wrong. And as much as you think this is a daughter/father relationship, it isn't and we can't make halal what Allah swt has made haram OR make haram what Allah swt has made halal. So, do not make up your own boundaries--your mother let the boundaries with your uncle fade and not only did that impact her, but it is impacting you as well.
The short and simple answer that you already have is Br. Wael's response above--read it again as it still applies.
May Allah help you to clear your confusion, Ameen.
Oh and my dad returned from Dubai in 2008
Please give me some advice I really need it.
Sister Malaika ,
It seems your family is having very less religious environment .Your dad might be not so good as per your description but new uncle is still a non mehram .He is non Mehram both for you and your mother .
Whatever happening between you and your uncle is Haraam and its like every day they are summing up their sins by romantic or emotional conversation .Also your uncle has taken advantage of his finacial assitance to the family by starting a relation ship with your mom so he too is not a saint ..
Its high time you try to bring religious feelings and environment in home .Tell your mom straight away that it is haram for both of them to be in a relation ship and also dad to not to indulage in affairs and haraam stuff .
You need to sit with both your mom and dad together and tell them how thier haraam life style has mentally effected you and it will ruin thier Akhirath also .....
Be strong and tell straight forward .Take motivation from Islam to be courageous....
It takes forever for someone to reply. :'(
Logical,
I've told them that what they are doing is wrong but they just keep on blaming everything on each other and my uncle doesn't have a family so is it wrong for him to love us children? People adopt children don't they? As per my mom she has recently started sayimg that we are just best friends ( she still hides stuff and has passwords on her mobile. My mom doesn't want to live with my dad she wants a divorce but my uncle and us children don't let her take it
Sister Malaika ,
In Islam there is no concept of friendship with opposite SEX .Your uncle is non Mehrem to your mom(also to you) and she is not supposed to have talk or discussion (other than business work ) .
A man and women (even as cousins) are not supposed to talk freely with each other so this uncle who is completely non Mehram should not be talking to your mom and should not come to your home frequently ..
Remeber ,this uncle is non mehram to you also .
I am sure you are quite young girl and it is easy to fall for this man's generousness nature and help but he should not cross boundaries .Already this guy has started relation ship with your mom so now he got what he wanted . so where is good nature ? Good guys are one who spends and don't expect any returns apart from Akhirat ...So this uncle spends money and your mom falls for him so whats good about uncle here ??
So he is not doing any favour .He spends money ,talk nicely ,appears caring and involving you all in Haraam environment .so is is worth ??
High time you tell your uncle to keep a distance from your mom and say in Islam there is no friendship between man and women .
Also your mom is setting a bad example for you as a mother .You should tell it to her directly .
Regarding love : Your uncle love towards you is not valid islamically as he is non mehram to you .Only your real father has a status of father.
So overall ,it looks like he is trying to buy your mom and you with his generous spending and kind words .
Its the care that makes me love him so much ( as a dad) not at all his money. Its the kind of care that I don't get from my parents as they arent responsible at all. Anywayy my mom naw wants a divorce from my dad she doesnt know if she will marry my uncle or not she just doesn't want to stay with my dad. Should I let them take a divorce? Its their life after all.
Anddd if my mom and uncle do ever get married then will my uncle become my mehram? Since he will be my moms husband.
Ohh and when I ask my elders including my dad if my relationship with my uncle is haram they say its not because in islam everything depends on the persons intention and if my uncles as well as mine intentions are good then we won't get bad deeds. Plus hes an amazing selfless man who doesn't have his own children so isn't it a good thing that we fill this space in his life. ( obviously no human being is perfect) he adopted a child but hes not normal however my uncle loves him regardless of this fact. His wife doesn't love him at all and he has no other close family.
Sometimes parents are wrong and in this case, they are wrong to tell you that your relationship with your uncle is not haram due to intentions. shaitaan/iblis never intended on disobeying Allah swt and in fact, he was a jinn that lived amongst the angels and worshipped Allah swt day and night--yet, he disobeyed and then didn't repent for his mistake.
Again, you should not make assumptions about his wife--and if he is saying that to you, it is highly inappropriate for him to do so.
Personally, I think you have some growing up to do and shouldn't be playing a such a big role in your elders decision--but if they have involved you, you should know that these blurred lines between your mother, your uncle and yourself are not Islamically acceptable. Even if your mother divorces, any man that she marries will never be mehram to you.
Just wanted to add: Nothing can make a biological father non-mehram to his daughter, even divorce between parents; similarly, nothing can make a non-Mehram, mehram to a woman, except marriage between them--so even if a man marries a relative of hers, wouldn't suddenly make him Mehram.
Malaika: Ohh and when I ask my elders including my dad if my relationship with my uncle is haram they say its not because in islam everything depends on the persons intention and if my uncles as well as mine intentions are good.
No one can know what your uncle's intentions are. Your intentions may change if your uncle starts some thing. On this forum some girls have mentioned how they were sexualy involved with their brothers, fathers or uncles. It is better to stay away from your uncle.
Wael can you please also give me some advice. I really am in desperate need of it. Please tell me if I should let my parents take divorce, if its okay for my mom and uncle to get married and if they do so will he then become my mehram.my dad doesn't want a divorce and tell me about intentions as well
Saba,
After reading your reply I researched a lot on mehrams and found out that a stepdad is a mehram in islam. Do you think I should just refuse to interfair in all these confusing decisions? Who do you think is at fault? What can I do to fix things? What do you think about my dad? Is he the one who screwed up things? Thank you sooo very much for your help.
Btw I live in Pakistan.
Sister Malaika ,
From your posts it seems both of your parents were responsible for the mess .If your father dont want to give divorce then is he trying to work out on the relation ship ?
If some body is trying to work on the marriage then i think we should encourage them to work on it and it finally it depends on them what they want .
Your mom seems to be fallen for your uncle and his money and so called caring nature but remeber after marriage these excitement will die down for your mom .
Regarding Mehram part ,as far as i know when a man marries a woman all the girl kids became haraam for him to marry (if he intend to marry) but considering the kind of environment and open nudity in the world scholars advise to keep a distance from them . Just please refer to one such opinion where Travelling for Haj with step dad as mehram is not valid .
Your parents already setting wrong environment in home and further putting you in wrong path by saying he is not non mehram ..Intention doesn't count .as per islamic rule he is non Mehrem for you ..He should not kiss you at all ...You need to grow up .
Stepfather as Mahram fo Hajj
Hanafi Fiqh > Askmufti.co.za
Q: Is one allowed to perform Hajj or Umrah with a your stepfather who is also your guardian?
A: A step-father, though being a guardian, is not a mehram for his step-daughter when it comes to Hajj, Umrah, or any form of travel. The hadith states: A woman who believes in Allah and the Last is not permitted to travel a journey of three days (i.e. 48 miles) or more without her husband or mehram. (Bukhari, Muslim)
She, therefore, cannot travel for Hajj or Umrah with the step-father only, unless there is another mehram such as her baaligh brother or nephew or uncle who accompanies them.
And Allah knows best
http://islamqa.org/hanafi/askmufti/44578
Thank you. I stand corrected that what you have written is true about a step-father. But for now, he is not your mehram.
Your mother and father both seem to play a big role in allowing your uncle into your lives in an unhealthy and disastrous way.
I do not think your mother should seek divorce until she works on her marriage first without the influence of this other person. You have defended your uncle a lot, but I'm not convinced about him not taking advantage of a situation.
You should not be involved in these decisions--already this situation has wreaked havoc in your life and I really don't know why you should be involved.
Thank you for your advice I really appreciate it.
How do I maintain distance with my uncle now? Hes like a father to me how do I tell him that hes not my mehram? Without hurting his feelings. I feel like dying
sister ,
Feeling standing on wrong foundation have no value . It is about right and wrong .You need to tell politely to him .
It is a golden chance for you to invite your family people towards righteous and deen with lot of patience and determination .You need to start putting islamic practises slowly like distancing from non mehrams,controlling your uncle's entry in your house ,calling your father and mother towards deen etc etc .
Initially they might reject you .They might call you as childish but be ready for such comments .Your sincere effort will bring positive environment in home .Whatever may be the result you will be rewarded for your good efforts by Allah ......
Life is short .When we dies no parents or uncle will come for the help .Its only your Imaan and good deeds will come for your rescue .
If I spy on my mom just to know what shes upto you know with my uncle. To know if shes lying to me or telling the truth in order to know how serious things are and if its possible for my parents to get back together do I then still get gunnah?
Is it okay if my uncle pays for my university?
Someone please answer my question
spying/listening to someone else's conversation is (gunnah) is not allowed so don't do it. also nothing wrong if your uncle pays for your university.
Your uncle is buying you people with money and have formed haraam relationship with your mom ...Yor mom seems to be of very bad character and can fall for money for any guy ..Your job to correct everyone at home else you will find it very disaster ..