My second wife won’t accept the rights of my first wife
Dear,
I am a married person. Since long time I had problems with my wife having two kids. I decided to go for second marriage but looking for someone who accepts my first wife and kids.
I met a lady who was very pious and religious and claimed that to marry you will be injustice to your first wife and kids.
I said as you know that they have their right and if we are fulfilling their rights, there is no sin to get marry. The marriage was fully based on the theme that this lady knows her own rights and other’s rights. I got a job in UAE and I made commitment to her that I will not bring my first wife to UAE.
After marriage I realized that keeping one family abroad and one in home country it is against the laws of Islam. My Kids and first wife was suffering and crying. I discussed with my second wife and she hardly agreed to bring them in a separate flat.
Now She is not ready to accept my first wife as my wife in sharing timing ..Especially nights.
She prays five times and a very practical Muslim but not ready to accept her as my wife. She used to claim that the commitment was not to bring her in UAE.
My questions:
- Am I bound to keep a promise (commitment) which was against the Laws of sharia Islam.
- Is she is a sinner if she doestn’t allow me to fulfill my first wife rights.?
Abdaar
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1) No, you cannot keep a promise that is against Islamic teachings
2) Maybe. What's for sure is that you will be a sinner if you don't fulfill your duties to your first wife and children.
You should never have agreed to leave your first wife and kids in your home country. It is your responsibility to treat both wives fairly. If your second wife cannot accept that, then maybe she needs to reconsider your marriage.
Assalam alaikum,
In Islam a man has the right to marry more than woman. With this right comes responsibility. It is your responsibility to treat your wives equally and with justice. You shouldn't be taking advice from one wife regarding where another wife should live or how many times you should visit her and so forth.
You, on your own, without discussing this matter further with your wives, should start to spend time equally with your wives. If one of your wives objects or brings up what was said in the past, you can simply say that you have to follow the Islamic ruling on this, not her opinion. There really shouldn't be a need to bring this up again and again.
Finally, if getting your wives permission to visit the other was really the wives decision, you probably wouldn't have gotten married for the 2nd time in the first place. Please stop negotiating the terms and conditions of one wife with the other. As a man, Allah swt instructed you to be just with your wives--it isn't your wives responsibility to make sure that you are just.
May Allah swt ease your difficulties, Ameen.
Salaams
I have problems understanding your post. You say you had problems with your first wife having two children. I wonder, because you want more than two or because you think having two kids she spends too little time on you? If you wanted more than two, did you speak to her about it? If you believe two children made her spend too little quality time with you - how do you think marrying a second makes your first wife feel about the amount of quality time you spend with her?
Also, I can not tell from your post if you discussed polygamy with your first wife before you married a second. Did she agree to it? Many men fall in to the "first wife's consent is not obligatory" trap, and forget they have to live with the consequences of their actions. They also forget that they should love for their wife what they love for themselves. Honesty, maybe?
Furthermore, no promises are more binding than the promises we make that make our spouse legal for us. "The conditions which you have the most duty to fulfill are those by which you have made marital relations lawful." [Bukhari & Muslim]. So if you break such a promise, the sin is on you, not on your wife. I take it you didn't give such a promise without having your first wife's consent? Since you are not allowed to give away her nights to the other wife without her giving them up? Because then I do not see that it is unlawful for you to have a wife in another country. Tell me the islamic base for such a claim.
As I see it your second marriage was based on several lies, lies to both your first (or were you without staing it here completely honest with her about everything concerning your second marriage?) and second wife (as you yourself have stated). And now you have to live with the consequences. Tell me, who is happy now? You? Your first wife? Your second wife? Your two children? And who is the sole engineer who created all this unhappiness? By giving a promise you can not keep you have already done a huge irrevokable unjustice - men should fear the words of Allah when he says that even if you only fear you may some time be unfair to one of your wives polygamy is unlawful for you - "then only one"! The Prophet told us to conduct all our affairs with honor and kindness and do to our brothers and sisters what we would have them do to us. When we forget this, we end up in misery.
But please brother, don't project your own sins and shortcomings on others.
I pray peace and tranquility will be granted your poor wives and children and may Allah reward them for their sabr.
You married a second wife just because you had problems in your first marriage??? Now that you have problems in your first and second marriage are you going to marry a third time??
Hahaha lol
You have gotten yourself into a pickle. The reason polygamy was first allowed in Islam was to solve the problem of there being too many war widows. It served a socio-economic purpose to ease the hardship of many single mothers. The "more than one wife rule" has now "evolved" into something different, but anyway I guess Scholars agree that this is allowed.
However, the problem that you have gotten yourself into is caused by your own selfishness. I am sorry but why would you create this family discord because you had problems with your first wife having only two children? Children are a blessing from Allah. Many people would be so happy and eternally grateful to their Creator if He blesses them with even one child! But you were not happy with two, so you found a second wife whom you thought would finally give you what you want, but now everyone is unhappy.
You want and you want and you want.
I think you need to admit your mistakes. Practice gratitude to Allah SWT, that He blessed you with 2 children. Once you do that, you will realize that separating yourself from your first wife and your 2 children -- who are now living without a father while you are whopping it up in the UAE with your new bride -- was a decision that has benefitted no one. Your first wife deserves a husband who will protect her, love her, and be an active and involved father to her children. Instead, she is alone in another country, and you are complaining about your second wife? A great injustice has been done to these women. Of course your second wife does not want your first family in the picture. Did you really think that she would agree to living as one family unity?
I think you have some hard decisions to make, with the assistance of some trusted elders.
Asalam Alekum brother
I once listened to a lecture where if the wife will not listen to the husband not only Allah dislikes what she does but the Hoor Al'ayn curse her.
This to me means a lot as a women because only Allah will grant us Jannah but then it depends on our sins and deeds so I say to you my brother fulfil your wife's rights do not listen to her otherwise you will be in a mental situation and in a lot of stress and tension.
Your children need you and so does your wife, I think what I am understanding here is that ever since you have agreed to your second wife, you think if you bring your first wife to UAE you will be in a lot of problems and people look at you Low.
Your children need you as much as your second wife.
Choose what is best, make istikhara,
May Allah make it easy for you. I hope I was of help
Asalam Alekum
Your 2 questions:
1. Am I bound to keep a promise (commitment) which was against the Laws of sharia Islam.
Ans: Were you supposed to keep your promise to take care of your first wife / children and fulfill your role as a husband and a father first? Now you use Shaira Law to correct what you did?
2. Is she is a sinner if she doestn’t allow me to fulfill my first wife rights.?
Ans: Are you a sinner when you are not even told your first wife about the marriage and fulfill your responsibility? Her being a sinner or not is not your concerned and focus now.
I do not understand how you can be so selfish for not taking care of your fist family first. I am sorry that I am no help as I see people twist the logic and try to use religion to cover up.
You went to look for another wife because your wife only wanted two kids you should be grateful you had two kids. How selfish can you be. You should have fulfilled your rights as a husband as well.
I agree with @Precious Star you have got yourself into a mess and I dont blame your second wife the way she feels regardless if you have one wife or 4. No woman can accept another sharing her man. I think that's the problem. I think you do have a difficult decision to make but you cant pick and choose just because you cant get what you want.
To be honest for me I find the 4 wife thing really uncomfortable its not really something I would accept or prefer my husband to be shared with someone else. Sorry!! These days its not used for religion reasons at all.
You said she already told u that to marry u will have to be unjust to your first wife and kids and now you are surprised that she is behaving in this way
Your second seems very stingy. If she was nit of a eoting if the first wife why did she accept to get married to you knowingly that you hae a furst wife. She accepted it both your wifes have the right to you not only her. I will nit say your first has more right because it should be equal. Tell that to your second