My wife kissed my brother
Cheating wife.
Assalamoalaikum,
Friends, I need your help to advise me as what shall I do which I am about to say. I am newly married (1 month old marriage) and my wife had a past with a man in which she was physical with his boyfriend. But she came clear to me and i accepted her because she moved on and she loves me madly and deeply. But after coming into this forum I understood by various people comment that if she has deeply repented then there is no problem in accepting her. I always felt that although she had a past, her character is strong and she was physical because she loved that man and she still regrets it.
But recently I am working in a remote location and at weekends I have to go to my hometown to meet her. 6 days back my wife told me that she has done a mistake and my brother has kissed my wife on her lips (like the way boyfriend and girlfriend do) and not just once but twice on that very same day. Although she informed me but she told me the half truth by saying that it was only a lip touch. Somewhere I had a feeling that she is not saying the truth and there is a different version of the story. So what I did, I confronted my brother and heard the shocking truth that they actually kissed each other and later the same was confirmed from my wife.
From the time I have come to know about this, my love for her is totally dead. Although she still claims that it was just a mistake and she still loves me, but for me I have zero respect and love for her. If she loved me then that incident would never have taken place. She is begging and not eating food, she is also offering 5 times namaz. What I feel is that there is no point in continuing this relationship because a husband-wife relationship is purely based on the foundation of trust and my wife has lost that. I have no clue what to do and this is such a sensitive topic, I just cannot discuss with anyone and hence I am posting this on this forum. Taking a divorce is really a big thing. Please help me brothers and sisters.
aafsar
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Salam Brother,
I am not a scholor nor an expert but I could not resist replying. I understand the pain you are going through and although we often talk about man's infidelity, it hurts the same if it's from a woman's side. Marriage is a bond made with trust, respect and love. You have been very forgiving towards your wife which is commendable but the recent event must have shaken you.
I would suggest not to take the drastic step of Divorce yet. Try speaking to your wife over this. As you mentioned you are newly married and she does not live with you she might have been finding it hard to control her emotions and feeling alone. Your brother needed to control himself as well as shaitan preys on events like these. Give your wife another chance to prove her sincerity to you and this relationship. Try to forgive her but be more careful. Spend quality time with her. Your nature should not become your weakness. Seek the direction and the sense to do the right from Allah almighty. At the end of the day your life and her life is a test on it's own. Allah will reward you for your kindness and forgiveness and her for proving her self a devoted wife IA.
May Allah guide you and help you at this difficult time Ameen.
Aslaam brother
Brother I am going to tell you what I personally would do. You say she was previously involved with another man before you - that is irrelevant. She repented, left him and married you. Past is past and should remain that way so regardless of how you feel, try your best to NOT bring her past up.
Now, from what I have gathered from this is that your wife cheated on you TWICE with your brother (if you can call him a brother) only one month into your marriage
Honestly brother, and this is just what I personally would do, is divorce her. The reason why I would divorce her is NOT because of her past - I, unlike a lot of men, would not care about whether my wife is a virgin or had any ex-boyfriends.
The reason why I would divorce her is because she cheated on you TWICE with your own brother only one month into the relationship. If it had only been once and I had been married to my wife longer, I would've forgiven her as long as she was sincere and was adamant to never even talk tomy bbrother again. However your wife did it TWICE!
And I'll tell you another thing - it was no mistake. The first time might have been, and it probably was, but the second waa not. She knew what she was doing and went ahead with it. I would be saying the same thing to you if you were a woman and your husband cheated on you (just in case any modern feminists around here accuse me of promoting divorce simply because it was the woman who made the error) so brother, I think you are better off without her.
As for your brother - I, and this is me personally, wouldn't forgive him either. He kissed your wife TWICE and a proper brother doesn't even do it ONCE. I know the Islamic ruling on keeping up ties of kinship but I personally wouldn't care and cut ties with him. Again, if it had happened once then I would say although hard, it's better to forgive but TWICE? Sorry no can do.
And I'm willing to bet that if you DO divorce your wife (and as your brother in Islam I kind of hope you do to spare yourself any future heartbreak) your so-called brother and wife would probably get together because I'm getting the feeling that they are attracted to each other.
Its up to you what you do. May Allah ease your pain inshallah. 🙂
Assalam alaikum,
I don't think that any of what you said is incorrect, but whatever you said had nothing to do with modern feminism. No modern feminist, would support a cheating wife. That isn't what feminism is about and this term gets thrown around in a negative way as if to suggest that women never had anything to fight for. All it means is giving women equality--and there is nothing wrong with that. Besides, in a utopian world, the word feminism wouldn't even exist because the need wouldn't arise.
Anyways, good advice, Jazaak Allah Brother Asim.
To the OP:
The only part that I may differ (and I would say this to a woman as well) is to try to speak to her one more time. I wouldn't rush into divorce, but neither would I rush into pretending all is normal. Just in case you may regret the decision, give it a little time so that you can be sure of your decision either way. As for your brother, keep your wife away from him because he can't be trusted either. This is utterly a sad situation.
I am very sorry for the hurt you must be feeling. May Allah swt ease your pain and help you through this very difficult time, Ameen.
Hi.
I agree with most of what has been said by Saba and Asim, but what does not sit well with me is that it was the wife that admitted this, which if she wanted, she could've kept under wraps. Is this not worth taking into account while pondering over the next step?
AAZA
I thought about that AAZA which is why I think he should give it a little time before he finalizes a decision.
What a difficult decision to make when it will hurt either way especially when one's brother is involved. Even if he divorces his wife, he can't "divorce" his brother. The brother is a brother for life. He will just have to set up abnormally strict boundaries with his brother.
That is NOT an easy event for any MAN.
It hurt more than a zillion PAIN. But is it wise to increase HURT/PAIN...?
For me-personally i will try to find the CAUSE of this event, and then speculate if there was ANY past record involved my brother/wife.
Talents are needed here...otherwise TWO SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES will occur:
1.BREAKING ISLAMIC HOUSE
2.BREAKING DOWN THE KINSHIP
All 2 are bad to ALLAH. If it had NOT involve the BROTHER, then the ISSUE could be easy.
But because of this blood brother ...patient is needed and forgiveness to the wife .MAY BE SHAITAN/DEVIL was succeeded on this BUT let us NOT give him SECOND CHANCE which will have MUCH MORE CONSEQUENCES to both-TWO BLOOD BROTHERS and a WIFE--- and even to the FAMILY as whole.
ALLAH KNOWS BEST...
Be patient brother on this...may this in your trial from ALLAH before GLORIFIED.
Aslaam sister
I'm not saying feminism is a bad thing - I 100% support the ORIGINAL feminism. The reason why I said MODERN is because my definition of a MODERN feminist/feminism is the belief that women can do no wrong whatsoever, everything is the mans fault and men are scum of the Earth.
A proper feminist/original feminism does not agree with this and only want equality but modern feminists want to basically say women are perfect in every way (and I've seen a few of those women on thia site) thats why I mentioned it.
Anyway your right - it is not relevant to the topic.
brother it's time for you to give her divorce .old habits die hard ..
I agree with Asim and for once im speechless I feel sorry for the man who has been cheated on.
Your wife and brother are VERY SELFISH PEOPLE there's no excuse for this at all.
your wife is a sex addict, leave her. she is not loyal with you she will repeat the mistakes again n again and she will make your life hell. more over please if u ever marry again dont let ur wife have frequent interactions with your brother.
I am wondering if husband had kissed his sister in law how many readers would have recommended wife to divorce her husband.
@SVS I think many would have said the same. Its not a gender issue here its the Fact that it was not acceptable especially being married and she done same mistake TWICE! Same the brother TWICE!
Marriage is not a joke its a lifetime of trust, respect and love. if you cant give it to your wife or husband there is not point being in the marriage or consider even for marriage material FACT.
Trust cannot be re-build if the people are still making the same mistakes someone needs to make a decision on whats best for them and it doesn't mean this person should just brush it off or live with it.
Perhaps one of the reasons divorce is preferable is that this is a new marriage. They're not really abandoning a family unit -- the marriage just never got off the ground. They've been married one month, the husband is altready living separately from his wife for work reasons, and the wife has already had a dalliance with another man. Break it off now before anyone gets more emotionally invested in the marriage.
asalamu aleikum
problems do occur in marriages bro they both did a mistake and a mistake aint serious unless its repeated pliz give her another chance and take her with u at your work place dear every sinner has future and every pious person has a past to err is human to forgive is divine
may Allah ease your pain n help u out
regards
As-salamu alaykum brother aafsar,
Readers who have read many of my responses will know that I don't shy away from advising divorce when it's appropriate. Many have accused me of being to quick to suggest divorce.
In your case, however, I feel divorce is premature. Consider:
1. Your wife told you about the incidents voluntarily. This is a very good sign, as it indicates that perhaps what happened was not of her own volition. My guess would be that your brother pushed his attentions onto her and she did not resist. That's not good, of course, but some women are very passive. They have been taught all their lives to be accommodating and have difficulty saying no. If this is the case, then most of the blame lies with your brother.
2. Your wife is desperate for your forgiveness. As you said, she is praying and even refusing food. This is a sign that she loves you deeply. Her dearest wish is to remain married to you. I suspect that she has learned a painful lesson and that this type of incident will not happen again.
I think you should forgive her, but also take steps to ensure this does not happen again. Try to take your wife with you to the city where you work. If this is not possible, then let her stay with her own family, rather than your family. She should not be in the same home with your brother. This is critical. Get her out of that house.
Secondly, your wife needs some sort of assertiveness training. If you were in the USA where I live, I would suggest enrolling her in a women's self-defense course. Do they have those in your country? Self-defense training would give her the ability to say no and to push a man away if he tries to force his attention on her.
If you go for divorce I cannot fault you. However I feel in my heart that it was not your wife's intention to cheat on you, and that she deeply regrets what happened. I think you should forgive her, and allow yourself to love her again. As you want Allah to treat you on Yawm al-Qiyamah, so you should treat others. If you want to be forgiven, then forgive.
Also consider that you will certainly make mistakes in your marriage in the future. I don't mean cheating, but maybe you will lose money, or say the wrong thing, or any kind of common mistake. Would you want your wife to be harsh with you, or forgiving?
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam brother, I can understand the emotional turmoil you must be facing especially only a month into the marriage.
It's a tough decision but it depends on how you feel, if you have tried and feel that you see absolutely no future with her and won't be able to move past what has happened then it's best that you end the marriage respectfully and amicably.
However, I personally feel that you should give her another chance if you can find it in your heart to do so. She seems to be showing a lot of remorse for her behaviour and acknowledges that what she has done is wrong, and wants to make things right with you. In a lot of cases spouses will try to hide the fact that they have cheated on you and will deny it even when presented with the evidence or try to blame you - these are the kinds of people you need to be wary. All humans make mistakes, so if you can, try to forgive her but be cautious, let her earn your trust. And as everyone else has said please take her away from your brother and any other non mahrams. Keep her close to you and work on developing your relationship with her and building the foundations of marriage.
Carry out istikhara and ask Allah swt for guidance also. I sincerely pray that you make a decision that is good for the both of you in this world and the hereafter. Ameen.
‘Uqbah ibn ‘Aamer may Allaah be pleased with him narrated that the Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ) said:
"Beware of entering upon marriageable women." A man from the Ansaar remarked: "O! Messenger of Allaah, what do you say about the male in-law (the woman's husband's male relative like his brother, uncle, cousin, etc)?’
He replied: “He is death itself (i.e. his seclusion with her is as serious and dangerous as death)." [Al-Bukhaari and Muslim]
I don't know if you should divorce or not. But I think if you do choose to stay married, you two should find a place of your own. I'm thinking, maybe even if you divorce, and marry again, you're still living with your brother, he could do something like this again. Better to fix the problem, then to just keep changing the people and stay in the same situation.
Plz help n tell me.I hv posted a question two times but never found it.wat to do
Assalaamualaikam
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Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
(Comments removed by editor)
You should not call any woman a prostitute. And in the case you defend it, do you have a similar word for his brother?
What his wife and brother did was despicable, but resorting to name-calling leaves your words meaning nothing.
my dear brother i know how you feel and your pain is valid but ask Allah S.W.T about this situation whether to divorce her or not
eshe did tell you the truth which would have remained concealed and even gotten worse, i don't think like she deserves another chance, its all up to you, she has broken your trust, i understand, its perfectly natural, but i think you need to give your marriage a little more time since its only a month. if she doesn't reform or refuses to reform, divorce her later and start a new life afresh