I need help please!! Muslim family-Christian boyfriend wants to marry me
I'm from a muslim family therefore having a relationship is not accepted. I'm 21 years old, never had a boyfriend before but a year ago I got closer to my male friend. We started going out after a while but I'm having a guilty conscious because islam says no to having a boyfriend. I'm not a religious person but you know I have beliefs. My boyfriend is a christian. My family doesnt know anything about it (They dont know that I have a bf).
He asked me to marry him and I said 'yes'. We are both virgin and it gonna be like that till marriage. I told him that he will need to come to islam because if he doesnt my family wont agree and he agreed (but he said it will be hard for him to change his beliefs and might still have his christian beliefs even though he comes to islam), he loves me so he would do anything to be with me, to become a muslim, do khatne and etc. He said he would even wait forever if he needs to.
My family want me to marry late like 27 something and yeah never have a boyfriend so I've been afraid to talk to my mum or anyone from my family. I dont feel ready to get married yet anyway.
Am I doing a sin? Its not something that I can just stop it cause I love him too and he loves me and I don't wanna hurt him. What should I do? Please give me some advice. I can't ask this from any other muslim person around me so you are the only help that i can get. Thank you for your time
~SheOnEarth
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AA;
That's a tough one. I hope Professor X get some time soon cause he usually give lengthy and explanatory advice mashallah.
My short answer would be this:
The relationship started wrong, and just to convert to Islam to get married but still practice Christianity is wrong. I would say you should stop seeing/meeting him at once and he can go look up Islam and try to learn it and see if he likes it. If he converts cause he wants to, then all is good inshallah. If not, then trust me, this is not the one. As a muslim u can not marry a none muslim. The longer you wait to cut the relationship, the harder it will get.
P.S.
That's why there is no such thing as I just talk to this guy or what ever. We are humans and feelings develop.
May ALLAH guide us, grant us patience, and shower us with his mercy.
If I am correct, it is from ALLAH. If I err it is from me, and I pray ALLAH forgives me. Allah knows best.
AA
Salaams,
"Coming to Islam" while still retaining beliefs from another faith is not coming to Islam at all. You can't say you are Muslim, but believe as a Christian. What you believe is what you are. Very clear cut.
Unless he sincerenly becomes Muslim for his own sake, out of the depth of his own conviction for his own soul before Allah, a marriage between you and he would be haraam and invalid. Muslim women can ONLY marry Muslim men. Period.
Whether you are "religious" or not, as a Muslim you are still accountable for your choices. You can live your life being "not religious", but when you die you will have to explain to your Creator why you ignored His ways. He won't cut someone slack just because they didn't feel like being serious about their faith. It doesn't work that way.
Just because you love something doesn't mean you can't stop it when it's the right thing to do. Gluttons love food, addicts love drugs, and promiscuous people love sex. Does that mean they should do what they love? No, because what they love is a path to their ultimate destruction. You love something that is bad for you, in that you love someone who is apparently not a Muslim and thus haraam for you. If he converts "just to marry you", one would have to question if that is a sincere conversion. It should not be done for that reason. Even though it might be painful to give up what you love, in doing so you will find that the love of your own soul and the wish to make your life pleasing to the One Who gave life to you is a much more fruitful course to follow than the one your nafs is enticing you to.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
As salamu alaykum, sister SheonEarth,
These are the facts:
1. You are a muslimah, to date and have boyfriend, it is haram, you are jumping on top of all the rules that you should follow, yes you are sinning and you should repent and ask for forgiveness for it, insha´Allah, you have a link on tawbah on the top of the page.
2. He is christian, he is forbiden for you.
3. You don´t want to marry yet, then to be honest you should tell him directly that and with that you should include the following:"I am a muslimah, my religion is Islam and Allah(swt) in the Quran has allowed me to marry just inside the muslim community, then you are forbiden for me.
If in time you feel attracted toward the Religion of Peace, Know that to date it is forbiden between us and that there are no concepts of boyfriend/fiancee/girlfriend, our way to propose marriage is the following, you and your family should contact mine and let us know your sincere interest on me for marriage, this is the proposal, after this if we agree there are certain details about the marriage process that you should know (wali, mahr, nikah,.........)"
4. If in any case this man feel called to study Islam, Insha´Allah, should be by his sincere need of searching and you should mantain yourself on a side (the excuse of guiding him can bring both of you problems).
5. You are lying to your family and living a secret, this will cause you pain and will bring clouds on your life, your character will turn bitter and your family will notice it sooner or later. You are betraying your family with your behaviour and this will cost you tears, do you have the need of this?
6. You have the choice now to return to the straight path, be sincere to Allah(swt), to yourself, to him and to your family. Alhamdulillah, you haven´t fall in anything physical but seeing how he is so eager to marry you will be close, Allah(swt) forbids.
7: Give yourself the time you need to go deeper in your deen, learn about being a straight muslimah, about your duties, pray your salat, make dua, read and recite the Quran, learn about the Sunnah, ....sister you have a lot of homework to do in front of you, please this is your right and your duty for being born muslimah, Alhamdulillah.
8. If you want to save him, yourself and both of your families from pain and suffering be honest and straight, this won´t be easy, but you have to set priorities in your life. As muslim our priority is Allah(swt) but you are the one that has to get here, the one that has to acknowledge and accept this as your priority is yourself, nobody else can do it for you, and who knows maybe Allah(swt) is touching the doors of his heart through you, only Him(swt) knows.
Allah(swt) knows best.
Wasalam,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
As salam alikum many boys non muslims make fool and gives wrong commitments...please sister never step forword...just cut off relationship....you can find good and handsome boys in our religion inshallaha...
WAKE UP!!!! sister.
Salaamu'alaykum my sister.
Let me just say that i am very saddened by your post, i feel very very sick whenever i hear Muslim sisters getting involved with disbelieving men, i have even heard some of the filthy kuffar converting sister over there in america and u.k, and holland etc
May A l l a a h save you.
There was once a legendary ansari [madani] woman from the companions who was put in the exact same position as you were, whom A l l a a h is pleased with.
Her name is Al-Ghumaysaa or Ar-Rumaysaa or Ramlah or Sahlah, better known as Umm sulaim bint milhaan an-Najjaariyyah Awsiyah al-Ansaariyyah [ whom A l l a a h is pleased with].
She was the mother of Anas ibn maalik [ra], the close companion, Scholar, servant of the propeht[saww].
She was one of the few women of the ansaar whom accepted islaam at the hands of Mus'ab ibn 'Umair [ whom A l l a a h is very pleased with greatly].
Umm sulaim was married to a rich bussiness man called maalik ibn nadhar, when he heard she became muslimah, he didn't like it at all, he started to abuse her, insult her, shout at her,soon he went on a business trip to syria and got murdered by some of his enemies.
So she became a widow.
Offered her son to the service of the prophet[saww] and to be with him all day for 10 years, and because of her sacrife, anas [ra] narrated 1000s of ahadeeth that we could not have known about.
this is from the woman's virtues
so it was known in Madeenah Nabawiyyah that Umm sulaim was a widow, and umm sulaim was not just any regular woman, she was the only woman whom the men fought over, competed to marry.
So the elite came and proposed to her, and amongst them, was the young handsome fighter called Abuu Talhah zayd ibn Sahl who was a kafir till now.
Abuu talhah was one of those men whom every woman dreams to have in her lap.
he was one of those men who woman in the city would always talk about and their knees would wobble.
he was young
he was handsome
he was very rich/wealthy
he was of noble/good manners
he was a ladies man
he was very charming
he was generous
he was caring
he was intelligent
he was of good leneage
he was physically built
he was strong/brave
he was tall
he was a problem solver in his tribe, a judge of disputes
he was a cheif of his clan
he was loved by his clan/people
he was a night
he smelt good always
he just had everything in this world
he just had it all as they say.
except iman/tawhid, which is everything.
So when young Abu Talhah heard about Umm sulaim, and her desirable quilities she possesed such as patience, beauty, intelligence, good manners etc, he went to propose to her.
So he went to Umm sulaim, and asked for her hand.
Umm sulaim was very flabbergasted by this gesture.
and she replied "oh Abu Talhah, i am like all other women, i would love to have you,I swear by Allaah your kind is never ever rejected, no sane woman would reject you, but i am a believing woman and you are a disbeliever, you're not halal for me"so Abuu talhah, thought it was about money, and did not take her seriously, so he ran to his house and got gold and silver, and laid them out infront of umm sulaim, but she repeated the same answer, your kind is not rejected, but you are a disbeliever, leave.
So he left and kept comming back, untill she said to him, that her mahr would be his islam [if he becomes muslim sincerely] and she did not want any yellow or white metals [gold and silver]
and then after a while he studied the deen and became one of the best ansaar and full of eemaan.may allaah be pleased with him
and umm sulaim got the most extraordinary mahr there is in history and the man of her dreams.
but the moral of the story here is that DESPITE HOW DESPERATE Umm sulaim was to marry abu talhah and how much she fell in love with him, she was always loyal to her lord first and foremost as she knew that it is him [swt] who give and provide spouses.and she put her trust in Allaah.
so Allaah provided her a dream husband from where she could not expect.
Allaah promised in the qur'aan
"and whomsoever fears Allaah, he will make for him an exit, and he will provide him with sustainance without measure"
and whomsoever fears Allaah, he will make/gather his affairs easy for him"
so sister, be like umm sulaim, and turn this guy down, A l l a a h will find you a better husband, or if he becomes muslim, you will have a happy life together inshaallaah.
Brother I think your going a bit over the top calling him filthy' it’s not as if you know him personally to speak about him such a manner you don't know his true intentions Allah only Allah knows whats in his heart. As a Muslim we should respect people regardless of what their faith is and shouldn’t speak about them in such a way. I however do agree with what most people here are saying as she should of avoided him from the start. But as he is willing to convert for her I don't see the problem as this is what most Christian women do when they marry Muslim men I know that this is allowed in Islam however these men don’t bother bringing up the children with good Islamic values but nobody seems to acknowledge that.
Brother, he is willing to convert, but will still keep his christian beliefs, thus making him a non-muslim, and the brother may sound harsh but if you read the opening of his reply he knows of non-believers who have converted sisters, so you can anticipate that should get on any muslims nerves, we live in a age where knowledge has increased so much, yet beleif has decreased, maybe not all the time, but sometimes we need someone like brother Abu Az-Zubayr to provide that tough take on situations and bring us out of this 'dreamland' called dunya, and show us what were actually doing.
MashaAllah great story to follow, your reply covers everything, so sister take this brothers advice and leave this man behind, as much as it will be hard for you, faith and strength in Allah will see you through inshaAllah.
Asalaam alaikum Sister SheOnEarth,
Rather than to rehash the facts of the relationship you are in, I wanted to point out that in essence, you are projecting your own inner feelings of inadequacy in following Islam towards this boyfriend, because he symbolizes the embodiment of several bad choices you have made that have taken you away from the Right Path. So your request that he accept Islam, is really a request that you subconsciously are trying to make upon yourself to turn back to Allah (swt).
Yet the act of reforming your own life as a Muslimah is not dependent on this Christian, but on you. In making your request, you are finally realizing the seriousness of your mistakes and are trying to return to what you know is ultimately right. So the best thing you can do right now involves two steps:
1. End this relationship and strengthen your faith by recommitting to Islam. Gather some good sisters around you, pray on time regularly and often with Sunnah prayers, fast to keep your lower nafs in check and commit to a few social activism causes to refresh your spirit and add to your good deeds.
2. Ask an alim or perhaps a male relative who can suggest a guide for this Christian man to learn about Islam separately and on his own. This is the only and last thing you can do for him. Though be cautious to NOT make yourself responsible for his conversion and attainment of Islamic knowledge or to meet with him any longer.
Keep to yourself and close friends who are strong in the faith at this time. Improve your relationship with Allah (swt) and make better choices in the company and relationship you develop. Whatever happens, when you are near Allah (swt), you will always have the best Love of all.
I believe you should try to convince that Islam is the true religion, it may take time and if he believe this and converts to islam by his heart then you may marry him. For this you should give him Quran and ask him to read the Quran and then discuss the Quran and Islam with him, if he is convinced and become a true muslim, then you should marry him but if he does not beleive in Allah and he does not become a good muslim then you cannot marry him, it will be unacceptable to marry him in the eyes of Allah. and it will cause your children to be non muslims. so take a wise decision and try to convince him that islam is the only religion which is true. What i can suggest u is that give him the videos of the lectures of the Dr. Zakir Naik, Khalid Yasin, Abdur raheem green, Yousuf estes and ahmed deedat, Inshallah he will come to islam with true faith. Videos are easily available on youtube.com