Newly married, but struggling
The Relationship between a Husband and a Wife
My husband and I have been married for 4 months. We are both educated as doctors. I am in my 4th year of work, whereas he has just qualified. I'm 30, he's 29. I married him whilst he was a student with final exams, and we were both happy about me helping with finances until he starts work 6 months later. We both come from good families, Allhamdulilah. We met and married within 3 months because we were scared of sinning.
My family and I paid for everything. My parents agreed, but were not entirely happy at first because it was so quick. They did not like the fact that we were paying the cost, and they felt his family did not honour me. But after the marriage they loved him and invited him in, and would always ask about him. The nikkah dinner was very successful. I did not have a marriage party, but planned to have a small dinner later.
We consummated our marriage, but agreed to live apart due to work/studies. We would meet every weekend and stay together. I travelled to see him. From early on we had communication problems- namely I like to hear from him and want him to care about me, but he will text sporadically and not be in touch. He would not use soft words but spoke to me on the phone directly, to ask about a specific thing- not so much to bond or see how I am. Prior to marriage he would call often and be interested.
We had a very difficult time in our second week of marriage. I had known someone before I met my husband, but hid it from him and made up an elaborate story to do so. SubhanAllah, this was so wrong, and I asked for his forgiveness and repented a great deal. He refused to talk to me, insulted me a great deal almost all week, asked me to leave and said we would divorce. He could not understand why I lied. He specifically told me before the marriage, "anything can happen but don't lie to me about anything". He managed to forgive me, but I think the hurt it created changed something in both of us.
Things improved and we did not tell anyone of this problem we had. But in our fourth month of marriage we had another two arguments. It felt like much more because he would stop talking to me. We only met on weekends, so things would not be resolved quickly. It was tiring.
I tried being patient but we started to feel distant. I became introverted to avoid arguments. I'd work all week, feel tired and just wanted us to be ok.
He said he thought about divorcing me many times when we argued (sent by text messages), and this hurt me a lot and made me lose confidence in him. He found me difficult because I can get emotional. When I become emotional I want his re-assurance and love, but instead he gets very stressed and angry and thinks I am blaming him for things. I never shout, curse etc. I become quite teary and needy. Essentially he felt as if he is failing me. He felt I criticised him.
He traveled abroad for some work and was away 6 weeks. He refused to see me to say bye, because I was upset that on his last weekend he planned to spend quite a bit of time with his friends although we had agreed to spend it together. Instead of asking him to stay with me, because I felt very hurt by this, I questioned why he was giving such time to friends. He lost it with me, said I was disrespectful, that I should have just asked to spend time with him and not comment on his friends.
He said he'd told his family about us considering a divorce and that it was hard, but for the best. I never considered divorce, he did. Please understand that all this communication and essay writing was over text message. He would not answer my calls. This all felt very juvenile. So he drove past my city with his friend, would update this on his facebook, but refused to talk to or see me. He said we'd talk when he got back.
Everything changed when he said he had told his family. I broke down when I was at home and just fell into my mothers arms. She knew straight away. All she said is ' are you pregnant?' When I said no, she said' Allhamdulilah'. I told my family everything because I was certain that he had told his, and I felt they had to know from me and not hear it from anyone else. This ruined much. My family now totally reject him, and finds him rude, arrogant, young and immature. They said "we can't allow you to go back, you've looked miserable for weeks". They feel I married in haste, but accepted that this was decreed for me. They think I will re-marry someone much better and be happy. My husband never said hello to my family after the wedding, nor was interested in visiting. Mind you, we were new to one another and were not stable, so I didn't see that as disrespectful.
The 6 weeks he was away I had to seek counseling to cope because I felt frozen, indifferent and didn't recognise myself. Allhamdulillah, after 2 sessions I felt better, exercised, worked extremely hard, did extra work, and earned extra money. I was feeling much better.
He came back from travelling and again refused to see me on his arrival. He realised how he had affected me once I told him about the counseling. He knew he had hurt me tremendously. We chatted whilst he was away, and I put my foot down and told him how awful he had behaved.
One week after his arrival we met. We had dinner, and I stayed with him that night and we were intimate. He left the next day but texted me that he loves me, and is sure he is attracted to me intellectually and physically. He regretted everything he had said, and that they had no basis. But he finds it very difficult to open up and is finding it hard to adjust to married life. When he becomes angry he refuses to speak to me for days- even weeks. He doesn't know how to cope, but does not want to lose me.
We agreed to give it time. Please note, we never sat down to talk about the issues that had happened. He had texted me very hurtful words whilst he was away. Perhaps me being older and ahead was a problem. Or that I wanted stability fast. That I was pressuring him. All of this has no real basis, he confesses this. But I never got a chance to hold my husband's hand and tell him what this did to my self esteem and feelings.
He has now been given a job 3 hours away by train. This means we will live apart for one year, unless I was to fall pregnant and could take time off work. I don't think we're stable for this. We had so many opportunities for me to transfer to him but because of arguments, no contact etc we missed these deadlines.
This week he divorced me in an email after we failed to understand each other. I texted him seeking re-assurance, but he took it as an attack on him. No talking is a major issue here. Texting had caused us a lot of problems.
I think he wanted to divorce me and he was saying this, but I was hurt and said "just do it". I said, "just write to me now and do it over text". I repented to Allah swt for this. He did. He said it was driving him mad, that he was not eating nor sleeping well.
I want my husband to take me back. We do love each other, and I want to be a patient, better wife. We did dream of the same future. What do I do?
The issues are:
1. Communication and patience. We both lack in this. But I truly believe we can work together at it.
2. He divorced me at a time when I was not in a pure period, so the divorce is actually not valid. I read extensively and am sure of this. It's been five days and we have had no contact. I have not told my family he sent this email, but they're waiting for him to contact us for the divorce. They want nothing else from him but to leave me. How will I tell him the divorce is not valid, and he has to make the intention and do it again in about two weeks time? I don't want this divorce. I've reflected, and we had so little time together- this divorce is hasty. We have much in common, but very different personalities. I don't think this is a problem as long as we can learn to communicate. We never got to establish anything together.
3. I regret involving my family, but I was overwhelmed. He told me he didn't inform anyone but his oldest brother and none else.
4. I believe my husband loves me, but he is not as in love with me as he would like to be. He told me this. This has left him frustrated and scared. He thinks we don't match. He wants it to work, but can't seem to understand that requires true work on both sides, not just half hearted attempts. I love him and am still very drawn to him. I'm not sure if I'm madly in love, but all of this has affected me. I think I could fall back in love with him. But this requires getting to know each other, settling, loyalty, and feeling like a family.
5. How can we overcome this and then also convince my family? I think if I overcome things with him, I would be respectful but firm with my family and say this is marriage and worth fighting for.
6. Ultimately I'm now as scared as him that we don't match, but I feel we didn't try- 4 months, meeting only a handful of times. How can we give up so easily? I don't want that.
Thank you for reading. I pray Allah swt guides me through this. I am grateful for your advice and thoughts.
-hopefulsis
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Both of you need to learn to accept each other as you both are. Both of you have psychological problems. He has anger problem and you have some kind of low self esteem related fears/depression.
Why did you tell your husband about your previous friendship?
Both of you need to choose peace over who is right or wrong in useless arguments.
Marriage counselling may help you.
Assalam alaikum Sister,
The one issue that I see is how easy it was for your husband to accept financial help from you and your family, but plays around with the word divorce so easily in the early stages of your marriage.
I do think you rushed into this marriage.
I suggest that you both go for marriage counselling.
I fail to understand when husbands call their wives emotional when this is like calling the color blue, blue. Isn't it true that no man would seek manly traits in a future wife? A husband needs to deal with it--of course, if it were over the top, I might understand, but from what you have written, you were seeking to make a bond with him given that the both of you were not even living together.
I strongly urge you to NOT nag, beg or seek too much attention from him. Let him miss you too--Seek counselling asap and work on this marriage. I don't think you should try to get pregnant with him until you first resolve these issues, and Allah knows best.
May Allah ease your difficulties, Ameen.
Both of you married within a period of 3 months, there was a consummation of the marriage without any kinds of plans to live together, and he texts you sporadically and doesn't seem that interested. I would assume that he feels that you are a girlfriend with a nikah and now its time to breakup. and i would also not be surprised to find out that he has a girlfriend too..... This is the perfect reason Desi parents don't let anything happen until the Rukhsati.
I guess i would suggest marriage counseling, but whatever happens don't get pregnant now because it seems like a divorce is coming.
When Desi parents make their children wait after Nikah but prior to Ruksati, it is making haram something which is halal.
Two major issues here is that the girl's family paid for everything over a very short period of time. With nothing "invested," especially financially, it is very easy for a man and the man's family to simply walk away. Afterall, what are they losing when in fact they benefitted?
Help...10 days ago i submitted my post but its still pending for Gods sake plz tell me how will it be published.
Assalaamualaikam
Posts are published in the order they are submitted, so there is a waiting time between submission and publication, which varies depending on how many other posts are in the queue.
At the moment, I'd estimate that the current waiting time is 2-3 weeks in total.
If you need advice by a specific date, please update your post with that information so that the editing team are aware.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Jazakallah
salaam,
it seems like your husband is behaving like a child. doesn't seem he is ready for the married life. being married is a huge responsibility, its no walk in the park. for a marriage to work both parties need to put in equal amount of effort etc otherwise in most cases it will fail. one person can not make everything ok.
you said like him you think you don't match? both of you working in the same field, you can relate to one another, you also said we did dream of the same future. is that not enough? marriage is about compromise, sacrifice, companionship etc if you only see it your way and discard your partners needs and feelings then don't expect the marriage to work.
to make things work, firstly your husband has to accept what he has done is wrong and sincerely wants to make thing right. otherwise it will never work.
once he has acknowledge he is in the wrong then tell him to visit your parents. apologize for putting you through the difficult moments. if he doesn't visit your parents and talk then nothing will ever be solved it will only distance them.
if your husband doesn't want to make things work, then theirs nothing you can do.
I also don't agree your family paid everything, surely he could have contributed something right? seems like you got taken advantage of.
everyone has different personalities, ideals etc, the question is can you overlook these? if so anything is possible..
peace...
Salam,
Thank you so much for all responses. I pray Allah swt gives each one if you bara jag and strengthens your emaan for taking time to advice me from your hearts.
I firstly want to update you brothers and sisters since it had been a month. At the time of writing this I was very heartbroken, I still am but it's easier now.
My husband has only been in touch twice since emailing me the divorce. I contacted him to ask if we could be cordial during this difficult time to which he relied ' yes, as long as you don't get attached as I don't want emotional confusion'. I said ok. He then complained that I ' have left him with a financial burden as x,y and z were outstanding of the bills' and he was now 'broke' because of our joint responsibility'. I gave him money into his account to cover all the remaining bills so he had a good amount to make it through the month. Now he has stated that he will pay back what was spent for the nikkah, rent, our time together etc. I think this is fair as it seems that marriage is not what he wanted after all but never said how much as my parents paid for a part of this. After I paid the bills he said ' If you are going to claim back this money is rather not take it' making me look cheap. I didn't need to help any longer, he decided to end our marriage. Anyway I replied I didn't want it back. He continued to ask ' we need to decide what I owe you, I'm only paying such and such, I'm not responsible for OUR failure'. I texted that I'll discuss with my parents to find out & let him know as soon as I can but that currently I was just trying to have some privacy to adjust to all that has happened. I said ' I hope we can remember Allah swt much during this time' to which he replied ' Try remembering Allah when you put all finances in me'. I was shocked. Silent. Few mins later he apologised, said he couldn't be in touch as he was on the edge of all sorts of emotions and that I could email the sum whenever I want, no rush.
His sister had her baby and I found out via FB. I thought with such a blessing he'd be happy and share the news as we were worried about the baby for some time. No contact. I texted him in the end to congratulate and give my Salams to her and asked how she is. No response for 10 days. On a bank holiday Monday 6am ( he's never up that time) he texted stating all is well, he's not ignoring me but as we always argue silence is better. He said he was sorry for all that had happened and that May Allah swt give me someone worthy. I cried for the past 2 days. I will tell you why.
I feel that the man I thought I was marrying does not exist at all. The amount of hurt I've felt is surreal. I'm not needy or clingy generally but was newly married and wanted to establish a connection with my husband. I tried and tried and the more I tried the more needy I felt as there was little response. We knew due to the nature of our work we'd live apart but try to move to one another ASAP. He re-assured me it'd be fine. I don't know who this cold hearted abusive man is. He's abusive; emotionally and verbally. The stuff he comes out with would floor me. I'm 30. I've never been spoken to like that and I grew up with brothers only. I grew up a tomboy and work a difficult job. But he floored me.
There was a potential to save this marriage many times but I feel he burnt the bridges purposefully. He emailed me the divorce at 3am after an argument via text. He burnt bridges with my family and whilst they were still willing to hear him out he refused to see them and decided to arrange a meeting with me instead being intimate and leaving. I'm not a victim in this. I could have said no to his proposal, no to sharing my or my family's money, no to seeing him post all this hurt. But I tell you once married you seem to lose any self pride to try to save your marriage. But that was one sided.
I've let go of him because there is nothing I can do. My family will contact him this month as I'm now pure and can be divorced. The sum he owes us runs into £000's and it is up to him if he pays it or not. It's between him & Allah swt.
The good in this is that I've got my family's support despite me rushing them, I'm still young enough to re-marry and have children and Allhandukilah in my community I don't feel I will be chastised. I pray that Allah swt covers my faults and his and brings me through it.
The bad is that I still love my husband. Had he stopped himself, taken a breather and stood up for our marriage I'd been 100% with him to resolve our issues. I miss him and still cry most days on my drive home. We had much in common yet we're unable to connect. He just wouldn't settle. On the nights I was with him he'd always go out to see his friends for 1-3 hrs at a shisha cafe before coming home to me. I felt humiliated but kept quiet to allow him to transition into marriage. I think he was either disillusioned and overwhelmed. Or he thought his bachelor life was better after all and as he wasn't invested he dumped me. I don't know where his deen and conscious went in all this. When I reminded him of the rights/duties of spouses he got caught up on the ' man must spend on woman' part and totally got angry with me for sending him an article on ' kindness between spouses'. He ignored the ' being kind, love, mercy' etc.
To answer you:
SVS : I have learnt that I have self esteem issues, but not more than the average person. I work hard and deal with quite gruesome things at work. But in my personal life I love having kind good people around me. I'm kind and simple to be honest with you. I used to work, travel 3 hours on a Friday to see him, hit the shower first, get all done up and still have energy to spend time with him. I'd get up early, make breakfast, clean the flat we shared in his city and cook evening meals. It was not my city and he did not do much to help me settle in with him.
I think he has BOTH anger & self esteem issues. I told him of a previous potential because he probed and I couldn't lie about it any longer. I knew he'd be upset but not to the extent he was. We seemed to have moved past it the weeks following this but clashed over other things.
Saba: you are right in that he was NOT invested. It was just too easy! Show up in your suit not having to break a sweat and marry. Dream come true really. On my nikkah day I was chauffeuring/driving for last minute errands. Very stressful. He accepted and pushed for me to pay easily. He convinced me we were different and that waiting until he works would just mean time & temptation. I did rush, it hurts so much to say that because I thought good of him. I thought he was upright and I was blind to what it actually looked like to everyone else. My family are amazing. I'm sad I pushed them but they came through for me and invited him to their lives too.
Ghassan: it sounds so horrible ' girlfriend with nikkah' but maybe this is what he thought. How did he disregard a marriage, our marriage so easily? For what? Communication problems, boredom ( we spent 29 days together in 4 months)?
Ahmed: I feel now that he took advantage, maybe not knowingly but this is what he has done. He knows potentially how bad this will reflect on me, as a woman, to be divorced within 4 months. But there's no regard of anything here; marriage, family, honour. None.
Assalam alaikum Hopefulsis,
Reading your response evoked some pretty powerful emotions in me and I can say that I felt some of your pain. I am sorry for what you are going through, BUT (yes, there is a but), you have got to come out of this.
Rather than make this a post about him, I'd rather focus on you. You gave your better than your best shot, put yourself out there, put your finances where you didn't need to--Sister, you didn't fail at all. You were successful, but Allah's plans are something else now for you. Accept this chapter in your life as a lesson and move on because you truly are deserving of it.
Sister, you don't love your husband. You know what you do love though? You are in love with an amazing, noble, strong man you thought was your husband. It is a notion that is in your brain, but isn't in reality before you and never was.
Take this experience and turn it around for the better for yourself. Do not use it though to measure yourself. Don't you dare use it to question your beauty, intelligence and companionship--If you want to measure your self-worth, do so with the rules of Allah swt and study what you need to be in each relationship. You see, your worth is not dependent on the successfulness of your relationship, but rather on your sincere efforts--and Allah alone can judge this.
So what if you were naive--it is in the past and you know something you didn't know before. You are absolutely not stupid. I can't say that about him though--letting a girl like you go.
Be grateful that you didn't give anymore and you found out quite quickly about his true colours.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Learn from this experience. Keep taking care of yourself. Enjoy time with your family and don't waste another tear on the memory of a man that never existed.
May Allah erase your pain and grant you ease in your life in ways beyond your expectations, Ameen.
SalamSaba,
Your response made me very teary. Thank you sis. You are right. I tried the best I could, tried to learn quickly and re-tried when I made mistakes. But the criticism was very harsh from him and the space to grow/learn narrow.
Before marrying him I would make him sweat, stutter and become nervous. Allhamdulilah Allah swt made me beautiful and intelligent, just like He swt made all of you beautiful and intelligent. I do like myself and did not question myself as I do now prior to all of this.
You have given me some very important points to work on. You have helped me gain more I fight I to the fantasy I married in to. And I so relieved you said that I do not love him. When I think of him I see him but the person I love is not him. You as you say the person I love is a noble, strong, kind, gentle man who loves and cares for me. That's not my husband.
Saba you have helped me tremendously. ❤️
Thanks for your beautiful response. Not only are you helping Hopefulsis, but others reading your post are also taking a great deal from your advice. You reminding us that we fall in love with our fantasies and not the actual man opens my eyes.
Dear Hopefulsis & Lisa,
It made me happy to know that my words could offer you both comfort. Thank you for sharing that with me.
I've learnt much and I know this was meant to be. If I thought I could still save my marriage I'd carefully consider but with marriage counselling only. I suggested counselling prior to our divorce but he thought it was laughable! What's laughable is him divorcing me after 4 months!
I've been left wondering whether I did not fulfil his desires, whether I was not beautiful enough, smart enough, fun enough. Whether I truly did argue with him too much or didn't work hard enough. Haven shared this with my sister in law and best friend they cannot imagine I out up with it.
What do you do? I married someone I felt would be good to me, who I felt was compatible. I was just so wrong. Perhaps I valued the fact that we are in the same profession and he'd understand but he actually belittled me. He didn't like me being ahead of him career wise. I was starting to doubt myself. Doubt my own ability and femininity. It was awful to be made to feel like that.
I have chosen to not answer or contact him again. I do not see a way back however much it hurts. Even if he was bad to me there were times we seem to enjoy each other's company. There were times I really looked up to him and adored my husband. He meant a lot to me. I wanted to take care if him and be there for him. Something which could have been resolved on my side seemed impossible to him. If a man you married 4 months ago can say ' I hope Allah swt gives you someone worthy' ie someone else then you can be pretty sure he neither lives not wants you.
My bad days are really bad currently. Work is a good distractions, so are family. I don't know if he'll be in touch again.
Once families are involved it tends to finalise things. I think he may regret this in the future. He just didn't handle it well. I sometimes wonder why he lost interest so quickly & why he didn't appreciate anything I did? I beautified myself for him, worked out, dressed up, tried to be a good wife. I was not a good cook but learned very quickly through recipes and videos and would cook 3 course meals with home baked bread etc. I was surprised how many skills i picked up as a child cooking/baking. He loved it.
I don't think I'm perfect but divorce is not something I ever wanted. I had so many plans for us.
I didn't know I was this naive. I do feel stupid for having trusted this man before my own family. Nothing good comes out of haste. But with two educated seemingly practising, same culture, language, religion and seemingly good families, in their late 20's : what could possible be so bad that you hit divorce so quickly? I don't think I will ever understand. He did not give me a chance to understand. He did not give himself a chance. I wish I had a chance to ease the pressure of him and let him open up slowly. But yet I was settling with so little already.
I sometimes wonder how I'll ever get over this without much emotional damage.
Jzk
Hopefulsis
Hopefulsis: I've been left wondering whether I did not fulfil his desires, whether I was not beautiful enough, smart enough, fun enough. Whether I truly did argue with him too much or didn't work hard enough.
Did he fulfill your desires? He knew you before you got married? Did you notice self esteem issues or anger issues with him before you married him?
How many times you argued? What did you argue about?
Did you see him as a conident lover?
Salam SVS,
Initially he seemed kind and approachable but it changed after our week away abroad. I really wanted communication more than anything else, ie talking to catch up, sharing our day etc. I hated texting but he would not talk to me when he was upset in particular and preferred texting essays. It's easy to hide behind texting. You can say whatever you like and not hear the disappointment or hurt caused to the other person.
Sometimes it was as if the more he said the more relief he must have felt. It the more hurtful he was the more he was hoping to push me away. Normal things like wanting to be close to him and bonding seem to have bothered him quickly. I think he does have issues with connecting although on the outside he is do charming and lovable to people. But I don't know if he holds people close to him.
Nevertheless the way he treated me had really no excuse. He's an intelligent person, studied hard, well dressed and appropriate to people, well spoken. But he was very mean to me, unnecessarily mean. .
Yes he would get really upset prior to marriage but I stupidly read this as passion or strength. There was also the stress of planning the nikkah, finding a flat so I thought it was due to that. But looking back I missed the warning signs. I berate myself for this. I don't know what made me just go ahead.
Did he fulfil my desires? Yes. I was very attracted to him and there was no major problem with intimacy when he was not angry of course. But I did notice it seemed more forced from him or mechanical towards the end. The hug was cold, the ' hi baby' forced.
I just chose wrong. It was written for me. It's difficult because it's public and I have to see people who will ask questions, which I will not respond to. It's also hard because I cared about him and thought I loved him. I don't wish him harm and I wish he would have appreciated that I was being good to him, the best way I knew/could. I sometimes even worry about him feeling lonely or regretful. Overall this is not how you approach marriage and treat your wife. When he grows up he'll realise and I hope do things differently in the future.
For me I've decided that no contact is the way forward. Any communication to complete the divorce will go through my family and I'll be changing my phone number.
I come to this site when I feel hopeless and lost and empty. But through you kind people opening up your lives and sharing your personal struggles helps me so much. Hopefulss I'm so sorry about your struggles, but I thank you for your post, because I was about to give up everything for a man and you show me that love is blind but marraige is an eye opener. Alhumdullilah allah stopped me from making a step that would break the ties between me and my family. I think your example shows that haste will always equal waste.
I come to this site when I feel hopeless and lost and empty. But through you kind people opening up your lives and sharing your personal struggles helps me so much. Hopefulss I'm so sorry about your struggles, but I thank you for your post, because I was about to give up everything for a man and you show me that love is blind but marraige is an eye opener. Alhumdullilah allah stopped me from making a step that would break the ties between me and my family. I think your example shows that haste will always equal waste. I think Allah is so great that this test of a relationship was for only 4 months and that you did not get pregnant by him. For its difficult when u invest 8 years of your life with someone, and become extremely attached, and then all of a sudden it's completely gone. You have to create a complete new life and then be witness too all your hopes and aspirations going to another woman. But Allah knows best.
Salam Lisa, I agree with you. At the time I thought it is good to get married and as we are sure we have the same intentions it will work. Then comes personality and likes and wants. Before I married him I wanted children as soon as possible. Marrying him made me want to delay it because he was a handful. Children need stability and parents who are loving.
Allhamdulilah I did not understand at the time how I'd changed my kind about children so fast but I can see now that Allah swt was protecting me from a lifetime connection with my husband. I honestly forgot what kindness felt like with him. If was really hard.
Asalamoalaikum Sister,
From reading your post and others’ comments I think it’s best if you let this man go. I’m not diminishing the sacredness of marriage nor its importance but it takes two people to make this relationship work.
Unfortunately your husband isn’t ready to grow up and behave like a man. He’s still in the phase of living a bachelor life with “benefits”. We all go through a transition period post marriage with some struggles and adjustment issues, but this isn’t a phase that he’ll overcome. He seems pretty adamant about ending this marriage because he’s not ready to embark this new milestone in his life. Whatever his reason is for his lack of preparedness in this union, you need to realize it really has nothing to do with you, your looks, or your loyalty. You sound quite mature and he doesn’t. That’s the problem in your marriage: you both are at different stages in life both intellectually and emotionally.
If I saw some willingness on his end to make this marriage work, such as facilitating a relationship with your parents, agreeing to go to counselling, realizing how much his words have hurt you, I’d say you need to make this marriage work. I don’t see that from him and you are making one-sided efforts that are just wasting your time, energy and well-being.
You need to ask yourself, “Does this man really love me when just after 4 months of being married he has not only brought up the word divorce but has the strength to go through with it?” Couples during this phase can’t keep their hands off one another and he’s considering divorce...that doesn't sound like much of a marriage to me.
-Helping Sister
Helping sister, you give really good advice mashAllah. He was not ready but instead of being respectful he just humiliated me. That's the bit that hurts, not that he was not ready. What did I do to him that was so bad that he had to comment on my age, make me feel insecure about myself, my career, treat my family with no respect?! That is what makes him the wrong person for me.
He even said ' you come across as someone who is ripe for stable relationship whereas I wanted to learn things on a slow pace'. I thought we married, what else comes after marriage? You build on it and I was prepared to do that. I honestly also felt challenged and was learning to be a wife. But he did not want it. He kept saying ' we are miles apart from one another, we want different things' and I never understood what he meant. But I do now. As you say we were not on the same level, although close in she, upbringing, religiousness and education. But we were not at the same stage in life which makes me so angry. Why seek marriage, convince someone you're ready and toss divorce into it so quickly. Sometimes I wonder if I just married what the call a 'player'.
Salam dear sister
From your post its clear u have been going through a very hard time and i want to give u a good news. Although it hurts; it does get better with time. All you have to do is give time some time!!!
To be honest, being lied to hurts and a false story just makes it worse. Many men think graphically..wen their partner says there was another man the imagination runs wild. In addition, one might
Feel that if someone has lied once they can do it again thats why many people insist their partner nevr lie to them about anythng.
If my wife lies to me about anothor man, i want a divorse no matter what. This dosnt make anyone a bad person cause there are some things which are extremely difficult to forgive.
I wish u all the very best for the future.
Salam brother Hassan,
Point taken. The lie occurred very early on. I begged for his forgiveness and he chose to forgive. In fact I learned that it is better to chose not to answer about any previous potentials at all. There is no need and once you go there no way around it. Some brothers do not want to know. My husband was extremely probing. He confessed to having had many intimate relations in the past. I chose not to ask anything as I took him for who he was at the time I married him, a practising Muslim man.
We moved on and lived like a married couple. You can chose to forgive or not. But his choice was to forgive. If you're suggesting that he carried this with him throughout the 4 months and that this formed the rest of his behaviour then he was unjust to me.
Hasan: Feel that if someone has lied once they can do it again thats why many people insist their partner nevr lie to them about anythng.
If my wife lies to me about anothor man, i want a divorse no matter what.
and Men never lie....they go home and tell their wives about all the flirting they do or all the affairs or tries they made to have affairs. Have you ever lied? If you have lied once, you can do it again. ........Finally I saw a person who never lied.
When i wrote that post i didnt mean to target anyone. And wen did i imply that men dont lie. Anyways i live in saudi where many men nevr flirt and is always true to their wife. Although they may marry more than once they dont go for affairs etc.
Anyways SVS i didnt even understand why u would post sumthng which was totally uncalled for but let me end on a good note. Let us all stay away from telling lies which is a great sin.
Hasan: i live in saudi where many men nevr flirt and is always true to their wife.
Do you read newspapers like arab news or emirates247 com?
If Saudis are so nice, why there is a need of religious police, why are women forced to wear burqa, why women are not allowed to drive or eat out alone...
Hopefulsis says "He confessed to having had many intimate relations in the past."
What do you think a Muslim woman should do where a man confesses to many intimate relations in the past? Do you think there is a strong possibility that such a man will have more relations in the future like you think wife will do. Do you think her imagination is allowed to run wild like a man's imagination.
Yes her imagination is also allowed to run wild.
This is a lie. I'm sorry but Saudis are known for their so called business vacations where they go crazy because they can't do it in their country.
In western countries they just act like a pigs but back home pretending to be saint.
As-salamu Alaykum, Sister,
What has happened is unfortunate. In part, I think that many (or maybe most) of the problems you have experienced in this relationship are due to poor communication. Thinking about myself, I cannot imagine trying to convey important ideas, thoughts, and decisions via text or e-mail to my husband. To give you an idea, I have been married more than 20 years, but I have only texted my husband about three times that I can remember. In each case, there was something I needed to tell him, but I was afraid of interrupting him with a phone call while he was in a meeting or otherwise busy. When we had to live apart for an extended period due to his work, our only method of communication was the phone. We did not use e-mails or texts. Although these are wonderful tools that have many uses in today's world, there are also many pitfalls, especially if one or both of you does not communicate well via the written word. Written communication is an art that most people do not excel at, and it is very easy to misread the tone of what the other person is trying to say. Even when it comes to work e-mails between colleagues, you can read an innocent e-mail with the assumption that the other person is hostile or angry, and it will cloud the way you respond to that person. In contrast, speaking on the phone (while also not ideal) allows you to pick up on verbal clues and respond accordingly. You may at least be able to lighten the mood with a joke, a laugh, or even by changing the subject. It is simply unfathomable to me how a married couple in the early stages of their marriage (when you are not even used to the other person yet) could discuss heavy subjects like finance and divorce via a text.
I do not want to comment much on the other aspects of your relationship as other people have. Yes, there is some immaturity present, and some mistakes have been made on both sides. At the same time, immaturity and mistakes are common in the beginning stages of marriage. This is par for the course. The difference is that people usually have the chance to kiss and make up as they learn about each other and grow stronger as a married couple, but this is hindered in your case due to the distance between you, which is only compounded by the method of communication you have chosen (texting). I do not know what will happen in this marriage and whether it is worth salvaging, but one thing I know for sure is that it will be difficult for things to improve if you do not start speaking to each other in person, or at least on the phone.
Salam A,
Thank you for your input. I did not like texting for the very reasons you mentioned I and asked for us to stop several times. But this was the only way he'd even say anything to me towards the end. Whilst he was away abroad for 6 weeks we texted twice and he called once in week 5 when he noticed how upset if been. I'm a talker, but he finds it difficult to talk if he is upset or angry.
He was not like this at the beginning, we used to talk. But as he disentangled himself from me there was much less communication. Perhaps he just wanted me to go.
I don't think there is anything to salvage anymore. It would take for him to do a 180degree turn in his behaviour and personality. I'm not holding my breath for that. I just need to wait patiently through my iddah period and move on with my life.
Asalam alaikum hopefulsis,
I second @saba. After reading your post I felt pained as well though we are miles apart. But I would just like to tell you from whatever little experience I have in life, that sometimes things happen that we don't understand. We know we tried our best and still things went wrong but believe me sis all this is for a very good reason.
Our deen is so beautiful that it has an answer to everything that we face. From where I see, this is not the end but a beautiful beginning for you. Always remember that whatever happens, happens with the permission of Allah SWT and knowing you through this post I can easily tell that you are amazing and patient. I cannot tell you how stupid he was to let you go. But the point is some people do not know any better and may be he was one of them. It is not you that loss something good, it is in every way him, that lost a chance to grow up, create and live a beautiful life with a sister like you. This is a fatal loss for any human being. And its only because he is on a totally different page, Allah knows best.
You are you and I'll pray that you will find someone who will truly make you feel your worth. And in fact I sense that inshaAllah you will be rewarded in an amazing way. Alhamdulilah you have a supportive family. Alhamdulilah that you didn't need to put up for any longer. May Allah ease your pain and reward you with the best in this world and the next. Ameen
I strongly recommend you to read this, its a beautiful perspective of a divorced sister who turned to Allah SWT
http://www.suhaibwebb.com/relationships/withthedivine/finding-allah-through-divorce/
Salam sister ZR,
Jzk for your sweet words. They comforted my heart. I still do not understand it but am accepting it. I go through bouts of feeling relieved and happy to feeling sad and missing him terribly. With time it is getting better Allhamdulillah.
salaam sisters thankyou for sharing these posts it has opened my heart to how the world really is and how hard it is to live in this world and that allah is there for us when we need him.
. let me give all you sisters and brothers some advice . My advice is when you are ever considering to marry someone allways do istacara because istacara means asking opinion of allah. No opinion is greater than allahs if you would like to learn how to do istacara please go to the home page of islamicanswers.com and there should be a link about istacara. I hope this advice is relevant And I hope that allah helps all you brothers and sisters through all your difficulties Ameen Please editers if this post is erelevant please delete it. I have tried to spell the words to the best of my ability if there are any words that you are unable to correct because It is very baddely spelt please email me with the incorrect word so I can resolve this matter.
Salam brother latifhamza, thank you for your input.
I did pray salatul istikhara and it felt right. I learnt now that Allah swt through His wisdom permits you to go ahead with a decision to take you through a life experience that you need.
When my husband and I last argued he really upset me. He had turned an innocent expression of self doubt if mine to an attack on him. He left me in silence for 5 days because of this and I was struggling at work because it left me anxious/upset. When he finally texted he was so 'final' about everything. He would say ' we have to stop this now, we can't keep hurting each other, I am tired of this' etc. He was doing it to me again, threatening or alluding to divorce. I was so fed up and through my hurt told him how he had made me feel, how I didn't want him either, told him ' go ahead!'. I felt overwhelmed and left my phone to pray. I asked Allah swt in my sujood to take me to a place of safety with Him no matter what that may be. I came back to my phone and in that time he had managed to call 7 times and then decided to email me the divorce. I knew then that this was my place of safety. I was heartbroken but I knew.
Sister,
I’ve been keeping up with your post and all the comments you’ve received thus far. However, this particular comment of yours has been the most salient to me.
I believe Allah swt has accepted the duaa you made in sujood and gave you His answer: this marriage is not good for your duniya and akhira. Now put your faith in Him and move forward in life, better things are awaiting you, inshAllah.
Do not fight what is destined to come your way, let it happen. If your husband cannot appreciate your loyalty and dedication then quite frankly that is his loss, not yours. Focus on bettering yourself, both spiritually and emotionally. With time the hurt will dissipate and you will meet your true soul mate.
Perhaps this experience is intended to be a wake up call for you that you need to strengthen your connection with your creator before establishing any other relationship. And remember, anything that brings you closer to Him is a blessing in itself.
From the way I see it you are very fortunate. You have been saved from a lot of future misery, Alhumdulillah.
-Helping Sister
JazakhuAllah khair sis. I just read your advice. I did feel a sense if Sakina that night when I made the dua during prayer. It actually hurts remembering that night. I couldn't take what was happening, I had to pray and move away from the situation. I felt cushioned for the fall afterwards as he sent the divorce email as I was praying. Allhamdulillah time has made certain things better.
You are right that I should not fight what is destined. I am not but I am still dealing with the raw emotions that this marriage breakdown has left me with.
I am trying to better myself. I turn to Allah swt more and find that when I want to cry at work I go and pray 2rakaat sunnah or make dua to Allah swt and I manage to push through. Sister there have been times I feel that I'm fortunate that this happened too. Whether this marriage is restored and built up or it ends the event itself, the breakdown was a blessing.
I will remember what you have said to me.
Istikhara is very powerful. Allah somehow shows you the way. Remember what Allah does it is best for us. You may dislike something although it is good for you, or like something although it is bad for you: Allah knows you do not.
What your feeling is all natural. All this pain has brought you closer to Allah. You have prayed to Allah wholeheartedly and he is showing you the signs.
In my previous comment, I was talking to a guy for marriage. I thought he would be good for me all around. I thought he was the one. While talking to him I prayed istikhara countless times. Even though my heart was set, I still cried and begged Allah to guide me if he was truly for me. I got my answer and the guy ended. I thought we both met each others needs. There is probably something about him that Allah is protecting me from. All this time I thought I knew what was good for me, if the guy met the basics (job, personality, religion, etc). Allah knows you better than yourself.
It still hurts when I think about it. Why do men (not all) play with innocent girls heart. It's a test from Allah. This tribulation will make us stronger and wiser. Allah test those he loves. Have faith in him and learn his attributions.
I'll have you in my prayers.
OP: From early on we had communication problems- namely I like to hear from him and want him to care about me, but he will text sporadically and not be in touch. He would not use soft words but spoke to me on the phone directly, to ask about a specific thing- not so much to bond or see how I am. Prior to marriage he would call often and be interested.
You seem to an intelligent woman. About communication problem I would like to say men and women think differently. Many men may have no idea about showing special care or keeping in touch more frequently. A 19 year old will be lot more interested in his wife because of his intense sexual desire then a thirty year old.
People do change after marriage for some it takes few weeks for others a few months, years.
ONE thing is very important, when we are emotionally distressed we don't respond to others in normal ways. That means how we over react or under react depends on over state of mind.
Salam SVS,
Yes you're right that when we are distressed we respond differently. But there are boundaries. Fighting ugly is a no no to me. You have to be able to have respect for the other person no matter what. Once the respect and admiration goes it becomes an 'all zones go' area. Anything and everything is said. How do you look a person in the eye when you call them ugly names the night before? It's just ridiculous.
I learned quickly that men communicate differently. I was ok with that. I just was not ok with going 2-3 days without my husband wondering if I was still around. We did not live together so a daily phone call was not too much to ask for. There is an adjustment period when newly married but that should not be this hard.
Silence in a relationship is very destructive. A short time of silence can be good but to withdraw into silence because you don't like something is not acceptable. You can cause the other person a great deal of emotional distress as they start to fret and wonder what they've done wrong. In the world of psychology the ' silence treatment' is considered emotional abuse.
AOA
In my opinion marriage decision was done in haste but now divorce decision is done in haste too.
Marriage is hard work . You both are at mature age period. First year of marriage is usually hardest regarding understanding each other. My first year of marriage was similar as yours but divorce was not in my dictionary . Your relation can survive as I see no major marriage drawbacks in either of you. He is not abusive( instead at silence mostly secondary to his nature),no other woman involved,doesn't drink or gamble, good future ahead being a doctor. He can learn to be sensitive to your needs if given time.If you lower your needs and give him some time to establish ,your relation can survive. Sorry I'm not religious scholar but an ordinary woman who has gone thru very similar experience but my marriage survived after suffering lot of heartache . Men and women think very differently . From your perspective he is cause of relation disaster but if we will hear his side of story things will be totally different. You don't know or realize his issues and heartache due to lack of communication .
Good wishes sister. May Allah grant you both what is best insaAllah.
Realistic: Sorry I'm not religious scholar but an ordinary woman who has gone thru very similar experience but my marriage survived after suffering lot of heartache
Did your husband change or you learned to live with it? A couple who argue/fight all the time is not any way better then one that chooses to divorce. Many men beat and abuse their wives and wives can't even think about divorce because they don't have any financial or emotional support.
Assalam alaikum,
You wrote:
Part of Emotional Abuse is giving someone the silent treatment and when the OPs husband cut her off, he was the one that was in control of when they communicated and since he didn't take her calls, she was forced to use text messaging. When on earth did this become a way of two people who are newly married to communicate?
Of course men and women think differently, but please don't tell me the best of men would do what this man did. He was confused about her, but not confused when he was intimate with her or took her money? How convenient and self-serving is that?
We don't know if he was or wasn't involved with another woman or what other things he was doing. And if he posts his problems on here, we can advise him, but for now, we should counsel the OP. He made the decisions for when they talked, when they met and when they divorced--and if you read, the OP didn't want this divorce. It is very difficult to stay married to someone who doesn't want to stay married.
The problem with a man who is an emotional abuser (or anyone for that matter) is that we tend to think it isn't a big deal because he didn't leave a physical scar that the world can see as evidence. Emotional abuse can be equal if not worse in pain. Just because he is a doctor is no reason to compromise on how a person is treated.
Personally, I feel, a kind-hearted, responsible, less-educated Muslim husband is preferable over a cold-hearted, self-serving, emotionally-abusive rich educated Muslim husband.
Salam Saba,
Thank you for your response on this.
I would like everyone to think of one man or woman that they admire in their life. Now compare that person and how they respond to your distress/call with someone who gives you the silent treatment. There really is no excuse. There are boundaries in Islam. Kindness to your spouse, mercy, forbearing and forgiving your spouse are all part of how we are advised to maintain a relationship with our husband/wife. We all agree that you should be kind, loving and dutiful to your parents. Let's agree that you should be kind, loving and dutiful to the one who holds half your religion too.
Everyone makes choices in life. If you chose to ignore your spouses phone calls, text messages or walk past them as they try to speak to you then please know that Allah swt sees you and is not pleased with your behaviour. You are risking much more doing this. You can chose to answer, explain that you need some time to think and say you'll get back to the person. That way you take responsibility for your feelings without causing distress to someone else's.
Salam Realistic,
Thank you for viewing it from your perspective.
I have no doubt in my mind that he was struggling in his own way too. I think many times he was not aware of his awful behaviour and the impact it had on me. He's the youngest boy in his family and has grown up with very little responsibility for others, whereas as the only girl in my family I was like a second mom to my brothers.
I know he needed time, and I needed time as well. But he kept throwing divorce into the mix. I'm sure I made my own mistakes and he may have felt overwhelmed. But we did not have a good way to resolve conflicts, however small they were. And believe me they were small in my opinion but kept being blown out of proportion. I'm sure he was upset with me for whatever wrong I caused him but I was always apologetic and truthfully tried to improve in what I was lacking.
I think I've learnt a lot about myself and there are many things I would do differently. I'd start by just being myself and not feel the pressure to please him but focus in pleasing Allah swt. Spending time with and being alone in the same flat as a man who essentially was a stranger to you up until you married is actually not all that easy. With a long distance marriage, work and exams it just got a little tougher.
I think had he not chosen to resort to divorce nor involve family but be open to working on our relationship I would have done that with him. I don't know why we failed to connect. Despite all the heartache I know I'm lucky as he probably regrets his wrongs and I did not suffer what I know many sisters go through.
There's always two sides to every story. But to be able to rectify wrongs and build on a marriage you need both partners involved to stay in the marriage. He doesn't seem to want to do that. And me running after him contacting him just feels so wrong. I tried that. It did not work. Now I have to leave it with Allah swt and see. As someone said, he must want to have me as his wife to make things work. I have a feeling my husband has currently buried his head in the sand and is avoiding dealing with this. But there is nothing I can do sis. Your marriage survived Allhamdulilah but I think you'd tell me your husband did not resort to divorce so easily. Why my husband did that I think is down to a number of reasons; poor conflict resolution, little experience in taking responsibility for his actions, reflection of his upbringing. Our styles of working things out are very different and I think influenced by how we have lived life up until met. Communication and even Islamic marriage counselling could have helped us overcome this but again when both partners want to succeed together.
How did you and your husband move forward from the heartache you mention? Did family ever get involved? Did you go counselling?
Did anyone else struggle in their first year as a married couple?
HOPEFULSIS - I'm silent reader of this site and read your Q 2 days ago . You remind me of myself from decade ago. I would have never wrote anything here but after reading so many responses suggesting and encouraging u to quit this relation ,this morning I felt strong urge to let you know that I exist and went thru similar with success .
There are some similarities in our bio data too.Both me and my spouse are doctors. Got married just after completing med school, both we're not settled (u I think IS settled though)professionally. Knew each other for 3 months and quickly got married.
Although I was 25 I had no exposure to men in my life as I am fatherless and brother less woman. Despite studying in co education I had no idea about men psychology as never been close to any one. My husband was first man in my life and I was so happy and excited about wonderful life with him.
My initial years were full of trail of my tears that is why your post touched me as I can feel how hard these days are on you. Issues were almost same as yours.
I alone with Allah help solve my problem by trying to study my husbands perspective and personality. I read lot of books on men psychology and how to handle husbands in conflicted relation. I realized very early that I cannot change him or expect him to behave according to my desires. I eliminated my expectations from him. I loved him and as long as he is not involved in haram ( other woman,alcohol,abuse etc) I decided to stand by.
It's all about TOLERANCE and patience.
I Never involved family . My mom knew I was sad but all I asked her was to pray for my happiness . I Did silently observed other couples to learn how to tackle my life ( being female physician lot of female patients open up themselves to me). Never had marriage counseling as this suggestion hurt my husbands ego.
I strongly think your marriage can survive if you make up your mind . I think your husband love you but seeing he is unable to make you happy he is backing off. At the same time he is lost as how to give you happiness . Give him your patience and time.
SABA. I agree emotional abuse is as bad as physical abuse but with all due respect I disagree that this man,s silence has a purpose to emotionally abuse OP. Silence is his way of tackling his stress and despair . A way to de stress himself.However it is aggravating his wife's stress further. This is creating a vicious cycle.
SVS-- I have changed myself by lowering expectations and increasing tolerance .
RESULT - less fighting and more peace for both of us.
Realistic Sister,
Since you have written:
I wanted to respond to this part. Just to be fair, in my initial post (way above) to Hopefulsis and I suggested, like others, that they go for marriage counselling. However, given her recent updates, I don't think it is healthy to encourage her to reconcile with her husband when he is making no effort during this time. In fact, it is silly to even say reconcile when he isn't even suggesting that! What should she do? Contact him, beg him? You have read many books on men's psychology--does nagging and begging them work? She will only appear clingy, needy and demanding and I sincerely don't believe she is any of those things or needs to resort to that.
The only way this could work out is if he showed some interest in saving this marriage, which doesn't appear to be the case. One-sided tolerance isn't going to work. As you wrote, your inital years were very painful--Sister, why should she go through years of pain for only hoping it will get better?
I realize that there are similarities in your situation with hers, but let's say it is in every way possible, that still doesn't mean that Hopefulsis should allow herself to be treated in such a degrading way.
To Hopefulsis:
I don't want to mislead you as this is a matter of marriage vs. divorce. My understanding from what you wrote is that your husband is not showing any further interest in you and has not contacted you--The only way I think that a reconcilation should be considered is IF he acknowledged his errors and involved his family. Elders from both sides would have to have a family meeting and discuss what is in the best interest for both you and him.
I would continue to put my full trust in Allah, as you are doing I am sure. Pray and ask for guidance during this painful time. May Allah make it easier for you, Ameen.
Dear sister Saba,
No he has not been in touch to attempt to reconcile. He may do this or he may have made up his mind. I agree that he would have to recognise that he needs to make an effort and not want to lose me.
I have learnt that I need to be myself and not let my husband treat me in whatever way he wishes. Thats one good thing that has come out of this for me. I cannot tolerate bad behaviour again but would speak up fairly.
I do think he is intelligent enough to understand that this has reached a stage where family are involved. For him to have any credibility with mine he'd have to come with respected elders and resolve things between us. I'd invite the sheik too to keep a peaceful meeting. But again I can't do this on my own. One sided effort will not make this happen.
All of this has also left me wondering whether my husband is right for me. It has put a lot of doubts in my heart about him. I don't respect him nor admire him as I did initially.
My question to you all is; if I was to contact him, not begging or being clingy, but to simply establish whether he is going through with it and tell him I don't want it but I accept our faith, would this wake him up? Maybe at least it would either give him a leeway to rectify things if he feels he had none OR re-confirm the divorce to me and I'll keep moving on as I have. The thought of even emailing him makes me anxious. I don't want reconciliation between the two of us only but also between our families. Ideally I want him to take this step.
Also as I have said before the divorce is not valid yet as it was done at a time it was not permissible. My family will shortly be seeking to ask for confirmation and my iddah would start only then.
Realistic: I realized very early that I cannot change him or expect him to behave according to my desires.
I am sure by changing your expectations and tolerance, you did change your husband. I feel biggest problem is to change oneself.
I think your statement above applies to every one. Not possible to change others. If you want other to change to your desires, would you change according to their desires?
If OP gets back togather with her husband, a friend like you could be very helpful to her.
Thank you sister Realistic for sharing your story.
I am glad to hear that you managed to get through the difficulties you had in your marriage early on.
I think your advice about tolerance and patience are very important. No one learns how to handle their relationship until they are in one. I was learning but still making mistakes. My husband withdrew into himself each time he got stressed about me/exams etc. if I lived with him and at least saw him everyday I could have tolerated it and let him learn to open up slowly. But it felt much harder on me as we lived apart and I had no clue how he was/doing/thinking. Also many times the silence would be after an argument. This I feel made a small misunderstanding into a world war.
If my husband was willing to work on our marriage we would stand a chance. I'm not a demanding person and having gone through what I have the past few weeks I would be patient focusing on healing rather than being right.
I also think he does love me but doesn't know how to be with me. He has wronged me and has acknowledged that but he doesn't seem to know how to rectify things. He will tell me he couldn't have chosen anyone better for himself one week, the next he wants to stop.
The irony is that my husband has a very strong personality whereas I am much more passive/mild. In his daily life he doesn't shy away from people, he is extremely charming and intelligent. People come to him for advice and help. He psychologically tunes in with people quickly. He is beautiful, well dressed and is able to cook great dishes and would clean the flat himself. He knows how to connect with elders and my parents really liked him. But when it comes to me he self combusts. I think this was because I was so close so quickly and he could not be ' Mr Charming' but had to be himself. This was new and he told me he found it hard to adjust to this. I was only beginning to know him when he left. Like you I was also trying to understand his personality. I did suggest marriage counselling and made an appointment with a sheik but he refused.
I do sometimes regret informing my family but I feel I had no choice. Once he said he had discussed divorce with his family I felt cornered in. I also think I would not have coped with the stress and sadness any longer on my own.
Sister you say you think my marriage can survive if I make up my mind. But I did not ask for a divorce and made it clear to him I want to work on our marriage. He has not been in touch since he emailed me the divorce. We are still married, I'm still his wife & responsibility, he's still my husband and I still have right to maintenance, even if not financial it could be care & kindness. During an iddah period the husband and wife are meant to stay in the same house, but we hadn't established a marital home yet.
Tell me sister, what can I do when he has left and is not making any attempts to reconcile? What should I do? Even if I contact him I will feel as if it's one sided. I will keep wondering when he'll leave again. I know I have to put my trust in Allah swt if we were to reconcile and I would give him my patience and time, but surely it has to come from him?
Asalamoalaikum sister,
I feel great empathy for you. In your case things has taken somewhat worse turn but still reversible .
Family involvement is beneficial and bad at same time as families are usually biased towards their loved ones. I do believe you have to keep your respect and do not contact your husband as it can give desperate notion on your side. Best mediator could be some body neutral who is equal well wisher of both of you.
Same way like you do love your husband but he has lost respect in your eyes, he might have similar feelings about you I-e love along with doubts and suspicion . Your relation is getting destroyed over misunderstandings, communication gaps, assumptions, doubts.
I think he will contact you if somehow indirectly he finds out there is chance for this relation from your side . If possible by indirect way, like thru common friend.
Men ego made them withdraw and back off .
My husband is very similar to yours. Charmer!! I used to ask him please try to treat me same way as you treat strangers and friends.
You being quiet and sensitive hurting more but deep down I think he is hurting a lot too.
Good wishes.
Assalam alaikum Hopefulsis,
I hope you are gaining strength and wisdom as each day brings healing, inn shaa Allah.
One way to think about all this is imagine if you had a daughter that was going through this situation, what would you advise her? Do you think it would be wise for her to be dealing with this man alone in such early stages of marriage? If it were me, i wouldn't want that for my own daughter and it would be in her best interest to have the support of her family. I would have given different advice if it appeared that your parents were unreasonable--but there isn't any indication of any of that from what you have written.
Perhaps, your father can contact the boy's father at some point--talk and get to the bottom of all this. There is a reason a girl has a wali at the time of marriage, and we shouldn't overlook that. Even though a divorced/widow may make marriage decisions on her own, you really didn't have much time in this marriage.
I still think it is unreasonable beyond doubt that he has given you the silence treatment that he has. The fact that he had several intimate relations before sounds disturbing. What is worse is that he had intimate relations with you and I suppose this is the crux of the problem--he shouldn't have gone through with this if he had doubts or didn't want you to be emotionally attached or whatever the case is.
When I read what you write, the general picture that is painted in my mind of your husband is that he didn't invest anything--there was a recent post where a brother didn't want to think about divorce because his parents said they spent too much on the wedding--so a divorce wasn't financially-sound for them. It appears that because he has guilt for that, he is trying to make you feel at fault (like for example saying you are too emotional) or 'I'm not responsible for OUR failure'--but he never does acknowledge what he was responsible for--and that is what is lacking--he has not accepted his share in all that unfolded. You, on the other hand, have been willing to work things out, but he quickly moves to divorce. Marriage is hard work, every time a storm sets in, the head of the household shouldn't be running for cover under the divorce umbrella.
These are my thoughts that I hope give you some insight. Ultimately sister, I would rather be completely wrong than to know that misled you.
I want to thank you all for your input.
I'd like to advice brothers and sisters to take your time with marriage proposals. If you see any red flags or something worries you do not ignore it and think it's ok. If you face struggles early on counsel with someone wise privately and seek advice. Marriage is something beautiful and encouraged in our deen. It's prescribed. But it is to be considered carefully and a decision for the rest of your life. Take your time. If you rush into it it may be that you'll be rushed out of it too despite your good intentions. And seek your parents full blessing and happiness. If anything happens to you in this world, for as long as they live, they are your safety net. They'll never abandon nor turn their back on you.
For me inshAllah I hope this is a beginning to something good. I've learnt a lot from my short marriage and the hardship that came with it. I'm still uncertain whether my husband will contact me before the iddah is complete or not. I have decided that I will not try for him any longer and I'm content with that. I haven't figured out what to do in case he comes back wanting to communicate/work things out. In my heart I do not hope for it, because it would be a huge test and I do not know if I could manage passing it.
I hope my post helped others who may be facing this. For me marriage is worth fighting for and saving, but you need both the husband and wife to want to do it.
Hopefulsis: I'd like to advice brothers and sisters to take your time with marriage proposals. If you see any red flags or something worries you do not ignore it and think it's ok.
Good advice, may help some people.Life is not easy. In western culture, many people date for months and years, some even sleep togather. Many still get divorced soon after they get married. A 77 year old Pakistani man killed his 66 year old wife because she cooked lentils when he told her he wanted to eat Goat curry.
This killing by 77 yr old man happened in NY. Poor guy just tried to discipline his wife. If this has happend in Pakistan, his son could have forgiven him for some token blood money. He is likely to be sentenced for 25+ years by a NY court.
Tell me that I didn't just read that...and that it was supposed to say poor wife...
I don't know what your point is SVS, but I am afraid I may not want to know...
Assalam alaikum Hopefulsis,
I am glad to read this update. I hope you are well and May Allah give you strength in each way you need and beyond, Ameen.
I was reading above how you read Isthikhara and really liked what you wrote when you said:
And that's just the thing isn't it? We try our best and we understand that this life is about trials and lessons. We have to understand that Allah swt tests His slaves in this world--and this means what? This means that good people face hardship and difficultly in this world and not-so-good-people will enjoy many aspects of this life. A difficult life doesn't mean you are hated by Allah swt and neither does an easy life mean that you are the most loved by Allah swt. Allah swt works in ways mysterious to us and tests us by both giving things to us and taking them away.
Allah says in the Quran: [2:155-157]
I suppose that I am saying that if we read the challenges of our Prophets, one after the other, look at the hardships that they endured--were they not the best of servants to Allah swt? Are we somehow better than them? Absolutely not. So I think we accept what comes our way and we pray to Allah swt that He makes us successful in every trial and tribulation that comes our way by making us more humble, wiser or just learning the lesson. Ameen.
In essence what I am trying to say is that I don't tend to ask Allah to not test me--knowing that this world is a test. It seems silly to me to do that. From some responses, it feels as though some people feel there is a way to avoid all trials, hardships, calamity in this life--these things are meant to happen and we respond by saying Alhumdulillah. Allah chose to create us each and every one of us intentionally and gives us specific tests as well--how can we not feel special by this alone? I am not sure how else to, but this is the way I approach my difficulties and it is the only way that helps me move forward.
Hopefulsis, I have learnt a lot from your post. I pray that your emotional pain lessens quickly--and it will inn shaa Allah, as you rely more and more on Allah swt.
I listened to surah Al Insan and tears were running down my face. How we remain headless of Allah swt Promise of glad tidings and Warnings of a painful punishment. Islam was missing in my marriage, I realise and learnt that too,
Surah Al Insan ( Man or time), 76
1. Has there not been over man a period of time, when he was nothing to be mentioned?
2. Verily, We have created man from Nutfah drops of mixed semen (discharge of man and woman), in order to try him, so We made him hearer, seer.
3. Verily, We showed him the way, whether he be grateful or ungrateful.
4. Verily, We have prepared for the disbelievers iron chains, iron collars, and a blazing Fire.
5. Verily, the Abrar (pious, who fear Allah and avoid evil), shall drink a cup (of wine) mixed with water from a spring in Paradise called Kafur.
6. A spring wherefrom the slaves of Allah will drink, causing it to gush forth abundantly.
7. They (are those who) fulfill (their) vows, and they fear a Day whose evil will be wide-spreading.
8. And they give food, inspite of their love for it (or for the love of Him), to Miskin (poor), the orphan, and the captive,
9. (Saying): "We feed you seeking Allah's Countenance only. We wish for no reward, nor thanks from you.
10. "Verily, We fear from our Lord a Day, hard and distressful, that will make the faces look horrible (from extreme dislikeness to it)."
11. So Allah saved them from the evil of that Day, and gave them Nadratan (a light of beauty) and joy.
12. And their recompense shall be Paradise, and silken garments, because they were patient.
13. Reclining therein on raised thrones, they will see there neither the excessive heat of the sun, nor the excessive bitter cold, (as in Paradise there is no sun and no moon).
14. And the shade thereof is close upon them, and the bunches of fruit thereof will hang low within their reach.
15. And amongst them will be passed round vessels of silver and cups of crystal,
16. Crystal-clear, made of silver. They will determine the measure thereof according to their wishes.
17. And they will be given to drink there a cup (of wine) mixed with Zanjabil (ginger, etc.),
18. A spring there, called Salsabil.
19. And round about them will (serve) boys of everlasting youth. If you see them, you would think them scattered pearls.
20. And when you look there (in Paradise), you will see a delight (that cannot be imagined), and a great dominion.
21. Their garments will be of fine green silk, and gold embroidery. They will be adorned with bracelets of silver, and their Lord will give them a pure drink.
22. (And it will be said to them): "Verily, this is a reward for you, and your endeavour has been accepted."
23. Verily! It is We Who have sent down the Qur'an to you (O Muhammad ) by stages.
24. Therefore be patient (O Muhammad ) and submit to the Command of your Lord (Allah, by doing your duty to Him and by conveying His Message to mankind), and obey neither a sinner nor a disbeliever among them.
25. And remember the Name of your Lord every morning and afternoon [i.e. offering of the Morning (Fajr), Zuhr, and 'Asr prayers].
26. And during night, prostrate yourself to Him (i.e. the offering of Maghrib and 'Isha' prayers), and glorify Him a long night through (i.e. Tahajjud prayer).
27. Verily! These (disbelievers) love the present life of this world, and put behind them a heavy Day (that will be hard).
28. It is We Who created them, and We have made them of strong built. And when We will, We can replace them with others like them with a complete replacement.
29. Verily! This (Verses of the Qur'an) is an admonition, so whosoever wills, let him take a Path to his Lord (Allah).
30. But you cannot will, unless Allah wills. Verily, Allah is Ever All-Knowing, All-Wise.
31. He will admit to His Mercy whom He will and as for the Zalimun, (polytheists, wrong-doers, etc.) He has prepared a painful torment.
Realistic
June 1, 2014 • 3:16 pm
Asalamoalaikum sister,
I feel great empathy for you. In your case things has taken somewhat worse turn but still reversible .
Family involvement is beneficial and bad at same time as families are usually biased towards their loved ones. I do believe you have to keep your respect and do not contact your husband as it can give desperate notion on your side. Best mediator could be some body neutral who is equal well wisher of both of you.
Same way like you do love your husband but he has lost respect in your eyes, he might have similar feelings about you I-e love along with doubts and suspicion . Your relation is getting destroyed over misunderstandings, communication gaps, assumptions, doubts.
I think he will contact you if somehow indirectly he finds out there is chance for this relation from your side . If possible by indirect way, like thru common friend.
Men ego made them withdraw and back off .
My husband is very similar to yours. Charmer!! I used to ask him please try to treat me same way as you treat strangers and friends.
You being quiet and sensitive hurting more but deep down I think he is hurting a lot too.
Good wishes.
Dear sister,
I agree that communication was flawed in our relationship. I also think there was a lot of selfishness on his part and some on mine. He could not see us as a team and I could not lower my expectations at the time.
We don't have a common mediator. Our families did not know one another and we hadn't established mutual friends. The only common mediator would be a sheik/imam but my husband was not willing to do this.
He already knows I did not want a divorce. He already knows I was in love with him and trying my best. He knows all this but it was not enough for him.
If he cares about me, truly cares about me, then why have I not heard from him? If he was thinking about me then why did he not contact me? Because he does not want to. He wants to move on and leave our marriage. When he said ' I hope Allah swt gives you someone worthy' he meant just that. Sometimes we fail to actual take on board what someone is telling us.
It's really hard for me to comprehend that the man I married who wanted to marry me does not care about me at all. Explain it how you like but actions speak louder than words. Had my brother acted like this with his new wife i would have personally held him to account and called her.
I have no safety with him. I'm open to ridicule and being undermined by his family/friends because of how he has behaved and treated me. There is now space for all sort of rumours to be made up and spread. If my husband can't respect me, why would they?! What position can I hold now in that family unit?
Only he can rectify the mess this marriage is in. But he won't for his own reasons. So I'll be fine inshAllah and I'll do better in the future.
Dear sister all the best!
I
Assalam alaikum Hopefulsis,
I hope you are gaining strength and wisdom as each day brings healing, inn shaa Allah.
One way to think about all this is imagine if you had a daughter that was going through this situation, what would you advise her? Do you think it would be wise for her to be dealing with this man alone in such early stages of marriage? If it were me, i wouldn't want that for my own daughter and it would be in her best interest to have the support of her family. I would have given different advice if it appeared that your parents were unreasonable--but there isn't any indication of any of that from what you have written.
Perhaps, your father can contact the boy's father at some point--talk and get to the bottom of all this. There is a reason a girl has a wali at the time of marriage, and we shouldn't overlook that. Even though a divorced/widow may make marriage decisions on her own, you really didn't have much time in this marriage.
I still think it is unreasonable beyond doubt that he has given you the silence treatment that he has. The fact that he had several intimate relations before sounds disturbing. What is worse is that he had intimate relations with you and I suppose this is the crux of the problem--he shouldn't have gone through with this if he had doubts or didn't want you to be emotionally attached or whatever the case is.
When I read what you write, the general picture that is painted in my mind of your husband is that he didn't invest anything--there was a recent post where a brother didn't want to think about divorce because his parents said they spent too much on the wedding--so a divorce wasn't financially-sound for them. It appears that because he has guilt for that, he is trying to make you feel at fault (like for example saying you are too emotional) or 'I'm not responsible for OUR failure'--but he never does acknowledge what he was responsible for--and that is what is lacking--he has not accepted his share in all that unfolded. You, on the other hand, have been willing to work things out, but he quickly moves to divorce. Marriage is hard work, every time a storm sets in, the head of the household shouldn't be running for cover under the divorce umbrella.
These are my thoughts that I hope give you some insight. Ultimately sister, I would rather be completely wrong than to know that misled you.
Salam Saba,
Thank you again for looking out for me. It's really one step forward, two steps back. The things that are helping are prayers, listening to Quran and pondering the meaning of verses, doing extra shifts at work to keep busy, lots of gym sessions and talking to family/friends/you guys.
I would not have let my daughter accept anything from him lightly. I'm not sure I would have let her go back. Is been very anxious for her. My mother is a fierce woman. She's a very practising mother who has full faith in Allah swt. She hates injustice and hurt. She's in her early 60's, came to the west with nothing and refuses to stop working. She has been such good support, but being my mother she cannot stand my husband anymore. She loved him initially because I loved him and thought he would be good to me. I had to let the sheik speak to her for more than an hour to just let my husband come to our house and speak to us. But my husband declined any meeting.
I did not judge him on his past but took him as for what he was when I met him. He was not involved in anything haram and was practising. I should probably have investigated this further.
You are right. He didn't invest anything. I thought too good of him but he may have been having doubts prior to marrying. I don't know. The way he would be cruel with his words was to try to push me away or to absolve himself of guilt. I'm sad to see that his family are not investing in him. For them it should be about him and he just got married. Why aren't they advising or contacting my family?
I am scared that a future with him would be to daunting and not safe though Allah swt provides all safety.
I want to know that he intends to go ahead with the divorce and that he meant it.
You and realistic sister have given me a good idea and advice. I will contact the sheik who is also a marriage counsellor to call him on my behalf. If this is what he truly wants then I will stick to no contact during the iddah and focus on me and my family. My family can go ahead and confirm the divorce and people can know. I will not invest my emotions or thoughts in him and do my best to move on. I'll make some plans to see family/friends and work on being content and happy. I will plan for a different future and Allah swt is the best of Planners. I will not leave myself in sadness, regret or hurt inshAllah. I will learn and move on, I'm capable of it for sure Inshallah.
Maa shaa Allah, what you have written is very inspiring.
Hopefulsis: If he cares about me, truly cares about me, then why have I not heard from him? If he was thinking about me then why did he not contact me?
He may be thinking the same.
Salam all,
JazakhuAllah khair for your responses. Allhamdulillah I am doing better. But it is still one step forward, two steps back.
I contacted the sheik and left a message with him.
I had a difficult time last night and was unable to fall asleep until very late. I missed him, I missed the good in him. I sat for a long time wondering whether I should tell him. I decided to ask Allah swt I am a human being with emotions and I loved this person. If something was to happen tomorrow to him I'd be devastated. If I step back outside of the hurt and confusion I see a Muslim brother whom I still care about and would not want anything bad happen to him. I really care about him, I worry for him and wish I could be there for him. But that's not possible anymore.
It's not abnormal for me to miss him and I did text him. I simply said ' I miss you'. I only meant that too to be honest, not much else. I truly missed him in that moment, the way we'd laugh about something silly before falling asleep or 'fight' over the duvet. I do miss the good moments.
I didn't feel bad this morning Allhamdulillah. Sometimes it is really hard maintaining no contact. You'll slip. But I have now deleted his number and as I do not know it by heart I won't be able to contact him via phone.
I won't be obsessing about whether he'll reply or not. I think I texted more for me than for him. I wanted to know that despite everything I'm not afraid to express emotions to him.
If you're married I hope you give your spouse a surprise warm hug today and thank Allah swt you have them. The amount of things I wish I had been able to do when he was with me are surreal. Small things like sitting down and asking about his day. Or stopping him in his tracks when he was pacing about nervously unable to make eye contact with me. I could have just stopped and hugged him to show him it's just me. But you learn sometimes in hindsight. We don't appreciate what we have until it's gone.
I'm going to have a good day today InshAllah. I wish the same for you all.
This last text from u to him is a good gesture and will help sort out things in better way insaAllah .Gl .
I can't take one step forward, two steps back. That doesn't get me anywhere. I'll be permanently stuck moving backwards.
It's two steps forward, one step back.
Can't stop laughing now.
-
Hopefulsis
salaams Hopefulsis,
In your four months of marriage mistakes were made on both sides. Your husband changed drastically towards you after your admission of a relationship prior to marriage. As a man this must have felt very disrespectful because he clearly told you do anything but don't lie which is what you did.(another aspect is that even though he may have had several intimate relationship, a man cant accept that his wife had any relationship at all. They feel very special knowing that they are your first and last). Having said that, any past relationships should have been left unspoken as its haraam to speak of them and it is permissible to lie about it as its a sin.
you also wrote OP: When I become emotional I want his re-assurance and love, but instead he gets very stressed and angry and thinks I am blaming him for things. I never shout, curse etc. I become quite teary and needy. Essentially he felt as if he is failing me. He felt I criticised him.
OP: instead of asking him to stay with me, because I felt very hurt by this, I questioned why he was giving such time to friends. He lost it with me, said I was disrespectful, that I should have just asked to spend time with him and not comment on his friends.
I am highlighting these points because these are the things that led him to withdraw from you further and become silent and contemplate divorce.
In a nutshell you husband from day one felt very insecure about you,( older than him, further along than him in terms of career, richer and just as good looking and if not more intelligent than him) on top of that in your four months of marriage he felt : criticised, disrespected, and that he was failing you (financially, professionally and emotionally) These are all red flags when it comes to men and how they react and feel towards their woman)
I also suspect that the fact that his parents or himself didn't pay for the wedding struck his manly pride and set the tone of how he felt towards you/ your family.
I have been married for almost five years now alhamdulillah and just like sister realistic wrote, the first year is the worst. I always believed that the first year should be the honeymoon phase. Nope, not in my case and not in the many case ive heard as divorce rate is the highest in the first two years of marriage.
Reading about the emotions you went through also brought back a lot of painful memories. Even today when i think back to my first year of marriage i shudder and think how did i have so much patience? how did i continue to go through with it? because if he was to behave like how he did then i would not have the same patience now.
The thing is over the course of these five years we have both changed! And now my value in his eyes has gone up to an extent that he would not give up so easily on our marriage as he was willing to in the first year! That is the beauty that good change brings. What you and your husband feel for each other now is very much like infatuation. Love takes time and years to grow and take strong roots. Once it does, petty arguments will not be enough to declare divorce over as your partner becomes one of the most precious thing in your lives.
Anyway to get back to the core topic, what helped me in my marriage? I think insha'Allah this information may help other sisters too because it truly helped my marriage tremendously. As sister realistic so wisely pointed out: you cannot change your partner but you can change yourself. A friend of mine mentioned i read a book called 'The surrendered wife' by laura doyle. She told me a Muslim scholar advocated the book in one of his lectures, even though the author is an American none Muslim, the principles that she outlines in her books are all very much Islamic. At that point I went abroad, was away from my husband for a period of time. I purchased that book and it was the best thing i did for my marriage. Reading that book made me realise where i was going wrong. There were many many times my husband used the same words as yours did. That he felt disrespected, that i was always complaining and that he didnt know how to keep me happy. we would have the arguments over the most mundane things and then it would escalate because we both gave each other the silent treatment. i felt he was not being loving towards me and he felt i was not being respectful to him and so would withdraw his love and affection and that made me even more upset and critical and hence disrespectful. It was/ is a vicious cycle.
As many know a mans primary need is to feel respected and a woman's primary needs are love and affection. the more respect you show your husband the more loving and caring he will become towards you.
One of the classic example i can give you is that when he wanted to spend time with his friends and you questioned him about it he got upset and felt disrespected. In 'the surrounded wife' it will tell you that in a situation like that when you want you husband to spend time with you you simply say ' i miss you' Rather than complain about why he spends so much time with his friends/ at work/ on the computer/TV you simply say 'i miss you'
To be honest its been a while since i read that book and although when i practiced the tips and guidance my marriage bloomed! It was so amazing. It felt literally like the first few weeks of my marriage had done, the honeymoon period. A man needs to feel appreciated, (you need to thank them a lot 🙂 ) and not criticized ( a simple thing as telling them the shirt they chose isn't great is a criticism) apologizing when you know you were in the wrong by being very specific, in her book she says no matter what your husband does, 'you will not try to teach, improve or correct him' as it all point to being disrespectful!
Sister realistic read a lot of psychology books and i read this and during my hardship in my first year i earnestly made a lot of dua. I think it all helped. Now the arguments are few and short lived. I haven't been followng through with all the advise as best as i can and i do fall short but i can tell you when i followed-it to the T it made a tremendous difference. It felt like my marriage was back in the courting days.
Hopefulsis you say before you married him you would make him sweat and stutter. something (many things) happened in between then and now that made him withdraw from you. No guys likes to see their wife cry. They feel that they are failures because they cannot make you happy and i am pretty sure he feels like a failure in many respect when it comes to you.
I suggest that you continue strengthening your relationship with Allah (swt) as you are doing. (had not this happened in your life you probably wouldn't have become so close to Allah as you are now)
Read 'the surrendered wife' and apply it in most parts. I read it from cover to cover and imbedded all the advise in my mind and implemented the changes after i came back from abroad. Use this time of separation to read and absorb and you will recognize where you went wrong also. there will be aaahhh moments. There were moments for me when i had no idea i was being disrespectful or criticizing etc until i found myself in her examples 🙂
In the meantime i think leave everything in Allahs hands. I think you've done your part and sending him that gentle text of 'i miss you' was wonderful. It shows your vulnerability and it will touch him. Now the ball is in his court. You continue making dua, praying, reading, working and going about your daily chores. Once you leave things in Allahs hand you have nothing to worry about. It WILL be taken care of. Have that full blind trust in Allah and He will amaze you.
May Allah make everything easy for you and let this painful period in your life become a distant memory...and may happier times come your way...ameen.
AOA ,
Ayesha you have done wonderful job. Very comprehensive and helpful analysis. I agree with it. I think SVS and Saba has misunderstanding in analyzing one of your statement regarding OP and her family spending money on marriage and it's impacts.however I will leave the clarification to you as you are much better in analytic expression .
Thanks and jazakAllah.
What is the misunderstanding?
jzk sister Realistic...I will be happy if the information benefits anyone!
Ayesha: She told me a Muslim scholar advocated the book in one of his lectures, even though the author is an American none Muslim, the principles that she outlines in her books are all very much Islamic.
Are you saying you did not find answers to your problems in Islam? You had to go study psychology books and a book written by a non-Muslim to find Islamic answers to your problems. Going to a foreign country could have made you more valuable to your husband and in laws.
I am sure if Hopefulsis wins a million pounds lottery, her husband and in laws will come running to take her back.
SVS i don't believe that answering your incessant questioning will help or benefit hopefulsis further.... in fact it has been your trend to answer a persons query and problems with more questions and queries..and sometimes its best to leave nonsensical questioning unanswered ...peace and have a great day! Hope you can work out the answer for yourself though :)..
Why would a man tell his wife he had several intimate relationship before he got married to her?
How a wife is supposed to react to that?
Ayesha: I also suspect that the fact that his parents or himself didn't pay for the wedding struck his manly pride and set the tone of how he felt towards you/ your family.
You are blaming girls family spending all the money for wedding for bad tone this guy has towards her family. Your analysis puts all the blame on the wife.
Did your husband also had many intimate relationships?
More or less, I agree.
SVS the reason why i didnt not bring up any of the 'blame' of the husband is because thats already been made very clear. We are hearing everything from one side and islamically to give a fair analysis on a matter both parties need to be present, since his not here to defend himself one has to read in between the lines.
In this case, hopefulsis has already discussed his many faults (and yes there are many) and based on that many have advised her. However, knowing there's two sides of the story, and reading in between the lines i believe that there are certain things hopfulsis could have done better. The first example is being honest with him from the beginning about her relationship. Since she did not bring it up early on before marriage, BUT after marriage , it hurt him that much more because they must have discussed it and he told her candidly about his several relationships but she did not. However later due to him probing she told him and that upset him because he told her clearly from the beginning not to lie. In essence it hurt more not because he was jealous but because she lied initially. Had she maintained that lie even after marriage this would have never become and issue with them.
As far as him having several intimate relationships, this was brought up several times by other people but hopefulsis always maintained that when she met him he was practicing and what he did in his past did not bother her. So there is no one 'reaction' to something like this. Every woman is different and will take it differently. My analysis of his reaction is based on the average male as he is not here to tell us his side of the story.
In regards to the way he felt about her family paying for everything; again its not a blame on her or her family..! But whatever the reason he had for not paying for the wedding doesn't change the way an average guy of certain age and education would feel about it.
As for your last question i think i will just ignore that and pretend you never asked ! May Allah grant us all wisdom and patience. Ameen
Ayesha: However, knowing there's two sides of the story, and reading in between the lines i believe that there are certain things hopfulsis could have done better. The first example is being honest with him from the beginning about her relationship.
She should not have shared any thing about her previous friendship(s) with her husband. I am sure Hopefulsis's husband also lies. He must have lied to all woman he had sex with before he got married. A man who wants good relationship with his wife will never brag about his previous intimate relationships.
In regards to the paying for the wedding i am not blaming her or her family...That would be ridiculous. I am pointing out how he may have felt: Ego bruised, as though he let her/himself down/ ashamed etc. Hence his own feelings of insecurity or self blame set a tone of how he behaved around her/with her.
Salam sister Ayesha,
Thank you for your input. I read and re-read your reply several times. I wrote a long reply back but lost it!
To summarise what I wanted to say,
Yes I did wrong by lying to him. I didn't want to hurt his pride and I thought it was better not to have such issues between us. But it backfired. I don't think he held it against me, I think he may have felt disappointed when remembering but he didn't hold this against me for the rest of the time. The only good thing about texting is that I saved our conversations and unfortunately do read back and just see things from a different light. The amount of times I could have just stopped and said ok, I forgive you, let's move on are countless towards the end. He left once, for good I thought, but came back within a week trying to contact me, didn't want to let go. It doesn't feel as if he brought it up again.
In fact he was trying really hard to connect with me. But it was push/pull between us. When he was upset i'd reel him back in, when I got upset he'd do the same. He said many things that makes me think he felt out of depth and could not work out how to make me happy. I was just learning about respect and it's importance to men and how to show it once he left. I think had we gone back to one another now our relationship would actually be much better despite initially having to deal with what's happened. The fear of losing the other has gone, and I can see my own faults. I can see what I need to do to improve things for us. I will have a look into the book you recommended.
In terms of the wedding/paying he could have chosen to wait. It was his decision and he was happy to do it with me and my family. It's unheard of in our community but I truly liked him and thought it was worth a lifetime of happiness. I did not look down at him for it and his family I felt let him down a bit. I think he felt hurt about it but we didn't talk much regarding that. My family actually loved him, did not hold a grudge regarding paying and wanted him to be a part of our family so much. The way they'd praise him.
I haven't heard from him. I don't really know how he feels. I wish we could talk as friends and be honest. I think I could do that now and listen to his truth about everything. I think another pressure for him is the money he owes. I wish I could minimise this somehow to just my dowry and some of the wedding costs my parents paid. But then my family say it makes me look cheap as he chose to leave.
I'd like us to meet and talk as friends more than anything else. I can survive this breakup and divorce, I'm sure of that. So can he. I have a good way of letting go of things Allhamdulillah...eventually :). But leaving without anything said between us feels very cold. I think we could actually reason with one another. I also think the infatuation we have for each other will take a long time to die too despite what's happened.
Assalam alaikum Hopefulsis,
A few things I wanted to share:
I think it is important to note that Nikah is a transfer of responsibility. I want to share the following quote with you:
Of course it is good to reflect and go over the mistakes that you made and not repeat them, but I also think it is unhealthy to dwell on them for too long or to absolve your husband of his responsibility that he took when he married you--which in Islam is nothing to take lightly as a man. Allah has given men double the inheritance and for good reason--so any man who takes this lightly, perhaps has a lot of growing up to do. Focusing on the past events of your marriage isn't as relevant as focusing on the current situation you are in. Since we can't change tomorrow, is there a point in trying to live there?
Yes, he may be an average man--just as you may be an average woman (I don't mean this in a negative way, btw)--meaning, you were two normal people with no special powers--you no more than him. So it isn't reasonable to expect you to be some man expert in your marriage in the first few months. It will/might be very beneficial to read about men's psychology and other books, but keep in mind that most books will not take into account arranged marriages (or ones that took place over a short time), different cultural implications and baggage and so forth. Like for instance, Laura Doyle's book lies on the assumption that the husband is a good person (he isn't abusive) and most of her advice is for people who have been in a marriage for while. In your case, let us call it what it is--your husband has abandoned you and hasn't even followed the proper procedure for what an Islamic separation would look like--even now, you are his financial responsibility for your basic requirements and that is the truth even if you 100% to blame (which I do not think you are).
Probing into one's spouse's past has rarely produced a success story--and I don't know why he did it--it makes me thinks a few reasons why though. Next time never share this information (especially AFTER marriage) no matter how comfortable someone makes you feel--the focus should be the new relationship.
"We cannot change others and can only change ourselves" does not translate into allowing someone to degrade you especially with vicious words. Even if we have a way to measure the mistakes on both sides, fleeing from the marriage, not taking responsibility isn't an attractive characteristic in a man most women would want. A man who doesn't take responsibility from the beginning (him and his family did not take steps to pay for the marriage) and is willing to call it quits so very quickly is extremely concerning.
It has been suggested to lower expectations, but to what extent. I wonder how a husband would feel if he knew that the only way he was being tolerated was because his wife lowered her expectations for him...so much for respect. Marriage is about compromise, but not minus the accountability.
If you are really going to invest time reading a book, then read the Quran and make it a part of your marriage--that is the best guidance to use for a Muslim couple. Allah tells us that men are the maintainers and protectors of women and in this respect, they have a status above women. So, yes, a wife must respect her husband, without a doubt, but a husband must also command that respect by his good choice of actions. A woman may try her best to compromise, lower/eliminate expectations to gain "happiness" but that all assumes it will work with guarantee. One-sided compromises and lowering of expectations doesn't lead to happiness, it robs one of happiness by stripping of their self-respect and identity.
As for the money spent--and what it did to his ego--I don't buy this story. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) married an older woman, Khadija RA who was financially stronger than him as we all know--your husband had the option to be gracious and thankful to you--that was an option--and as you said, he replied to you with "Try remembering Allah when you put all finances in me'--these are not words from someone who has accepted his new role as a husband. As I understand, you spent money to get married sooner than later to avoid sinning--was this not a noble thing to do? Could this not be something he could have chosen to be grateful for as opposed to walking around with a bruised ego?
At the end of the day, listen to your family because as you said They said "we can't allow you to go back, you've looked miserable for weeks"..... You family knows better than all of us--they see you and are physically around you whereas we just see a few of your words here.
In future, set a tone in the marriage--like for example if arguments are occurring over text, simply state that you will only discuss such matters in person. Exercise your rights as a Muslim woman because if you relinquish your rights, you may end up being taken advantage of or not valued. Make a point of reading the Quran with your husband--you will only have to gain from it.
As a few have already suggested to you, currently things are one-sided--and you can't single-handedly save this marriage, and most people can't unless both want it--so the credit in those cases goes to both parties. So all the advice a person could use to glue back together two pieces would fail when one piece is actually missing. For your sake, I hope that your husband comes clear and makes his intentions clear. I hope that whatever happens, is the best for both of you, inn shaa Allah.
Assalaamualaikum Sister Hopefulsis and Saba,
Thank you so much for this post, for Sister Hopefulsis to bring this post and for Sister Saba to give such valuable advice.
I have been reading posts on this website for more than a year now and always wanted to write my post to get the support, encouragement but I was not able to write it down, hopefulsis, you did it well. When I read your post, your replies , it looks like its me who is writing all this, except very few changes in my case :
1) We stayed together for less than 60 days with a separation in between.
2) I had conceived very early, in less than 20 days and Alhumdulillah I am a mother of a wonderful baby boy - Abdullah.
3) I did all sorts of things to save my marriage as I loved him a lot and for our baby - including bending my head infront of them, accepting a taweez from my aunt, which I regret a lot now. Please pray that Allah forgive me for this act of shirk.
4) I begged , divorce me but give the rights of my baby, be a father to him.
5) Oh yes, I don't know yet if I am divorced or not, he has just vanished from this earth for us but his brother says I am no more his brother's wife but I haven't received papers yet. Cannot believe them. And yes, I have already went for the legal assistance - filing complaint to finding ngo's who can help me with my honest case, without asking me to lie so that I can get the authorities to pressurize them but yet no avail and I have now ended up this search because my country has not woken up yet for the emotional abuse, its nothing.
With the boy, its different, yeah I have to move on but the boy connects us , reminds me of him and so much more. Its difficult , sometimes very difficult, sometimes ok, sometimes happy... not set yet. Regular ups and downs.
I request all the readers of this post to make dua for me and my baby - especially during ramzan.
Thank you all other brothers and sisters who gave their advice on this post, as if it was for me. I m so teary that I cannot write more.. Jazaak' Allah
Dear Umme Abdullah,
Assalam alaikum,
You should submit your post, inn shaa Allah.
When I am in my darkest moments and I am alone, it is easy to feel the pressure of the world weighing me down. It is then I remind myself of all the time that the Prophet SAWS spent alone. I am reminded that it is Allah alone that we should rely on. Perhaps Allah puts us in difficult situations away from everyone, because it is especially then that we seek to connect with our Creator.
Seek that connection now and ask Allah to fulfill each and everyone of your needs. May Allah make replace your troubles with joys and increase your connection and reliance on Allah swt. Ameen, thummah Ameen.
May Allah make things easy for you. Ameen...
Sr saba,
You write beautifully masha'Allah and i have liked your advice on many issues. I know you have helped sr hopefulsis through this trial of hers and may Allah reward you for that.
I am not sure if you are married but there was a time i used to think very much like you. Even though everything you write is very sound and true, in real life application it doesn’t always work in such black and white terms as much as we would like it to.
I wrote to hopefulsis because I also struggled in the first two years of my marriage as did sr realistic. We could both relate because we faced similar attitude from out spouse but we came through. I can’t speak for sr realistic but i can tell you i have kept (and increased) my dignity, self-respect, my rights and my happiness through the Mercy of Allah swt, prayers/dua, and changing myself (for the better).
As Muslim women it is our duty to know our Islamic rights and make sure they are NOT compromised BUT sometimes in situations where the matter is not black and white and clear cut a woman needs to use her wits, intelligence and wisdom to attain those rights. It should NEVER be compromised on but it may not be as easy as pointing to a Quranic verse or hadith or sending an article about it or getting emotional and crying and begging.
It may be more subtle and dignified. It may take patience and silent prayers but it will be attained/has to be attained but only the person in the marriage will understand how to attain it. A muslim and msulimah is always intelligent and strong (mentally emotionally physically and spiritually) and when they apply their intellect, common sense and patience above their emotions and whispering/influence of shitaan then all things are possible and attainable insha’Allah.
In the beginning of my marriage i went through a very difficult and emotional time but i always asked myself: Is this a good enough reason to seek divorce? I recalled the hadith of prophet (saw) when he said that any woman who seeks divorce without valid reason will not smell the scent of jannah' Even though sometimes i felt my husband was the coldest most heartless person i came across i stuck it out with patience and prayer. Alhamdulillah that i did. My husband once told me that every human being has a monster within them and that can either be subdued or inflamed. I now see the truth of those words. He is now the most loving caring warm, gentle , and fun loving husband that i always dreamt of and thought him to be.
The advice given to hopefulsis is applicable only : if her current husband came back on his own accord willing to give their relationship a chance. OR if she overcame this and decided to marry again in future.
I also believe that sr hopfulsis should make it clear to him that the decision to divorce is his alone and not hers. (if this has not been done so) It appears that she does want it to work and still has a lot of feelings towards him. He should not end this marriage thinking that she also wants this marriage to end (as her text indicated she urged him to divorce her after their argument). Divorce is allowed but most hated by Allah. One should try EVERYTHING before resorting to divorce.
Hopefulsis case is more difficult because of the distance between them. The issues they face could have been sorted out much more easily had they lived together. In the beginning of my marriage we were apart for 7 months and in that time we had many misunderstanding via phone. Because he was facing financial problems and was stressed he would call and get ticked off over the most minor thing and that would upset me and instead of being able to help him overcome his stress and give him solace I would sulk and get upset and we would both leave on a bad note. Looking back, had I put my own feeling of neediness and wanting his constant declaration of affection aside and put myself in his shoes and consoled him I would have had that declaration of undying love and affection in return.
Often we are wrapped in our own emotion and forget to put ourselves in the other person shoes. When we do that they will do the same in return. You will always get back what you give of yourself, whether good or bad.
Allah tells us: The good deed and the evil deed are not alike. Repel the evil deed with one which is better, then lo! he, between whom and you there was enmity (will become) as though he was a bosom friend.” This is very much applicable in all relationships but most especially in marriage.
I wish with all my heart that I knew a lot of the things I do now when I first got married. I wish someone had counselled me and given me these advices. The first year will always be challenging because you are getting to know a person’s likes and dislikes/how they deal with things/ what ticks them off and so on. BUT having certain tools i.e. books on what respect looks like may help massively.
This brings me to the topic of the book in question. SR saba I am going to go on the assumption that you haven’t read the book and perhaps took a glance at her website. This will not provide you enough information and your assumption are wrong in this regard. The book has nothing to do with whether you have an arranged marriage or not. My marriage was very much arranged and this book helped me tremendously. Nor does the content of the book clash with my culture or how long one has been married for. In fact it’s a perfect book pre-marriage/mid marriage/ long term marriage whatever… . If only I had this book from day one and took it as seriously as I did later!
Laura doyles book DOES lie on the assumption that the husband is a good person and the criterion she uses for a ‘good husband’ doesn’t rule out hopfeulsis husband! He is very much a ‘good’ one because the criterion's are: AS long as he isn’t physically abusive (to u or if you have children to your children) doesn’t have any addiction, drugs alcohol, and isn’t chronically unfaithful then you have what she terms as a ‘good guy.’
She then asks about verbal abuse and though she agrees it can crush your self-worth over time like physical abuse, she says it is reversible by respecting your husband and by not controlling him. This will put an end to it. She writes ‘this kind of mistreatment is very rarely a one way street and is often a man’s way of protecting himself against ongoing insults and emasculation. It is not YOUR fault if your husband is verbally abusive but your behavior certainly influences him..’
What hopefulsis faced from her husband was someone who is definitely emotionally immature. The fact that he chose to write essays on text rather than communicating directly tells us this. He couldn’t handle hopfulsis crying or her emotions and the only way to block it out was communicating via text.
Even now his silence and his lack of communication speak volumes, he has gone into his ‘shell’ and it’s this protective shell that keeps him feeling ok. When he gets emotionally tangled with hopfulsis and they argue he can’t handle the side effects where he can’t ‘sleep or eat’ (as quoted by hopefulsis). BY cutting off all contacts he is in effect protecting himself but of course his attitude is unislamic/unhelpful and unhealthy.
However as I wrote earlier mistakes were made on both sides. Many times hopefulsis wrote they argued and then his reaction to the argument BUT the question is what did they argue about? Who instigated it? Who apologized and made up? It’s not healthy to dwell on the past but it’s helpful to recognize our own mistakes in order to be able to make a change for our own future happiness.
When one is advised to change oneself and try not to change the other it certainly doesn’t translate to allowing someone to degrade you! In fact it should only bring about the opposite. BY making yourself a better person you will bring out the better in the other. For example, in the beginning of my marriage when we had arguments neither of us were willing to apologize. I felt I was right and he felt he was wronged or vice versa. This silent cold war only created a rift and began to chip away the love we had for each other. Eventually when I started on the journey of change I recognized many of the things I did was classified as ‘disrespect’ and began to apologize being specific about it. The result were: more harmony, increased love and intimacy, a quick resolutions to our conflict and the most amazing thing (for me) was that the man who found it so difficult to apologize started to apologize in return! Initially it was after I apologized for my part he apologized in return for hurting me too..now it is to a point where if he does something wrong/ or feels that he hurt me it’s an immediate hug and apology. He learnt through my example. By me changing FOR THE BETTER he also changed FOR THE BETTER.
Without doubt the Quran should be read EVERYDAY and should be a living part of our everyday life regardless of whether we are facing a test or not. However it doesn’t mean that one cannot read something else alongside it. There have been many books written on Islamic marriage and rights and obligations of the husband and wife. All muslims should read them prior to marriage. A standard Islamic marriage book tells us that it is a man’s duty to provide and tells a woman she should respect and obey her husband. However I have yet to come across a single book by an Islamic author that gives practical examples of what respect and disrespect looks like. It has only been done by none Muslim psychologists (fundamental aspects of respect are universal regardless of race culture religion etc). These types of example are crucial because often one may think they are respecting their spouse but it turns out they were not.
As far his ego being bruised because he or his family didn’t pay... It may or may not be his ego; it may be that he feels it’s another thing that he has let her down in. Whatever the case it most certainly set a tone to their marriage and yes it could have been good one like you said, he could have chosen to be grateful and thankful (and a mature guy would have been but we’ve already concluded that he is far from mature) But instead he most likely felt that he let her down (and this feeling was perhaps exacerbated after other arguments/issues on finance. It appears the issue did come in between them as his last few text were in regards to that and OP writes:’ ... Perhaps me being older and ahead was a problem. Or that I wanted stability fast. That I was pressuring him. ‘ It sounds like she did put some sort of financial pressure on him and this caused him more aggravation .) The fact that his parents did not help financially towards the wedding hurt him so it shows that he has some sincerity towards it.
He has promised to pay the money back and he most definitely should, there should be no compromise on that aspect as that is his responsibility. He needs to understand (perhaps slowly and with love) as a husband he is the provider and the wife’s money is her own and she can use it, save it or help him it’s completely her wish. hopefulsis needs to use both her intelligence and wisdom to work out when it will be helfpful to give him that money and when it will be better to withhold it.
Laura Doylels book has a long chapter on finances that can be helpful in the future. She does explain that it’s one of the biggest aspects in a couple gaining intimacy but I will not go into it here.
Ultimately it feels like he doesn’t /didn’t deem himself worthy of hopefulsis in many respect hence his text ‘I hope you find someone worthy’ .He felt out of his depth on how to make her happy and grew unhappy in himself with their contestant argument and its negative side effects.
At the end he will also have the stigma of being a young man who is divorced and will have to explain to the next family he marries in to why. So even though he didn’t financially invest he will also have to live with the consequence of what took place.
HOPEFULSIS I pray you are doing better and that things look up for you. You asked for Allahs Guidance before you entered this marriage and the indications as you said were good. I believe that something wonderful will come out of this whole experience. One day you will look back and understand the wisdom of why Allah (swt) chose to test you with this. In the meantime may you continue to strengthen your relationship with Allahs (swt) and increase your knowledge in deen and duniyah. May Allah bestow us all with wisdom and patience. Ameen
Assalam alaikum Ayesha,
I understand how marriage is and how difficult it is and I speak from experience. And yes, I am married and have been longer than you have. Sometimes when you continuously and quietly suffer, it doesn't get better.
If Hopefulsis's husband came back and was sorry for what he has done, I would have given her advice based on that. I think this is the bottom line to understand. Even Br. Ahmed, being a male, has suggested that the OP's husband needs to apologize for his behaviour and that he is behaving childish.
I am not suggesting that Hopefulsis seek divorce, but rather to address the issue at hand in which her husband is seeking divorce--not her. All other discussion is irrelevant when one party is completely missing. I hope that I made the distinction clear on this matter.
There is nothing wrong with reading books for advice, and I didn't say not to--I said to invest the most time in reading the Quran because understanding the roles of a husband and wife should come from there as the primary source. A Muslim man doesn't have the luxury of seeking a protective shell, hence why both of them need to use the Quran and Sunnah for guidance--I am sorry, I don't agree with you on this. If her husband were to go to a Islamic Scholar today, do you think he would tell him that he is doing the right thing, even if Hopefulsis is 100% wrong?
I liked part of your advice, but I really struggled with other parts, especially when you talked about how your behaviour led to the success of your marriage. Does that mean that you husband had no credit in the success of it? And I don't think you meant to imply that. And that is my point, it takes two to make a marriage successful.
I pray that Allah does what is best for both Hopefulsis and her husband, Ameen.
Btw, How are you doing, Hopefulsis?
w/salaams Sr Saba,
I think a lot of my message got lost in translation! 🙂 Ive exhausted everything i needed to say and at the expense of repeating myself i will just well..repeat myself one more time 🙂
You wrote: ' A Muslim man doesn't have the luxury of seeking a protective shell, hence why both of them need to use the Qur'an and Sunnah for guidance-- I don't agree with you on this. If her husband were to go to a Islamic Scholar today, do you think he would tell him that he is doing the right thing, even if Hopefulsis is 100% wrong?'
I have already said : .' BY cutting off all contacts he is in effect protecting himself but of course his attitude is unislamic/unhelpful and unhealthy. '
Not everyone is ready/willing to go and sit down and refer to the Quran and suunah for their daily affairs/issue...and i feel hopefulsis husband falls in that category. Hence why i said things are not always black and white and needs to be dealt using other methods which do not in any way contradict Qur'an and sunnah.
As for him needing to apologize...its the most natural thing to expect him to do so. Anyone reading hopefusis writing would feel that he needs to apologies...BUT that's not going to happen and if that is the deal breaker for their relationship then shaitaan has won.
I could never advice anyone to suffer silently and quietly just 'hoping' things will get better! Marriage wasn't meant for suffering,. It is meant for the opposite. To achieve tranquility as Allah tells us in sura Ar-Rum. ' He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them,'...That has always been my ultimate guideline/goal and if that's not accomplished then there is no marriage. I have known couples married for over 12 years and they are living in a stagnant relationship suffering silently thinking this is it. I would never endorse/condone that kind of marriage.
Sometimes Allah grants happiness in a marriage from day one. There is no struggle, its happy sailing..other times its not the case and Allah wants to test/teach/improve someone through the test of that marriage BUT the ultimate goal of marriage is already outlined by Allah .. to gain tranquility so one needs to fight for that tranquility: Through prayers, duas, wisdom (that also requires making the correct duas), intelligence and strength (in ones mental physical and emotional and spiritual self). IF tranquility is not achieved after fighting for it and giving it ones 100% then you know that this marriage needs to end and Allah will grant you something better in its place.
I am sorry if it sounded like it was my behavior alone that led to the success of my marriage but My recognizing my faults and focusing on them rather than his faults and my making a conscious effort in changing my self for the better and focusing on myself alone helped in a BIG way in achieving happiness in my marriage because my change in attitude brought about a change in him IF in case that ultimately did not lead to the happiness and tranquility in my marriage then i would know that i have tried 100% and i can walk out of that marriage knowing it was never meant to be. ultimately i did marry a good man but his straitened circumstance and my behavior (sometimes off set by his lack of attention and affection (at the start of our marriage) brought out the worst in him (cold, and uncaring) BUt when i focused on myself alone and changed myself his good nature (loving, caring, affectionate) came out. Now we have reached a stage where we both try and avoid conflict, him as much as me. So yes, Initially my behavior helped massively but now its a dual effort. We both know what to do to make the other happy and we both try to make it work.
I don't think you implied she seek divorce i simply felt your advice was a little simplistic for her situation. In some matters it can be clear cut and black white. Hopefusis case is a lot shadier 🙂
As for Laura doyles book...there were some part i didn't agree with and avoided (for example she says never to give advice to your husband even if he seeks it, but i know islamically one should advice as prophet saw sought advise many times from his wives) So once again you have to use your judgment to know which to apply in your marriage. Again it comes down to using you Islamic knowledge, wisdom, ones circumstances, and spouse and yes it may not be applicable in all situation but in a marriage that is struggling this book can be very helpful.
I have nothing more to say or add as it all repetitive and i feel if there's any misunderstanding its because i could not put across what i meant as clearly as i would like to.
May Allah grant us all wisdom and strength in all aspects of life and May He save us all from the test and trials of this duniyah and Have Mercy on us in the hereafter. Ameen
Salam sister Saba, again jaxakhuAllah khair for your wisdom.
You said:
' I am not suggesting that Hopefulsis seek divorce, but rather to address the issue at hand in which her husband is seeking divorce--not her. All other discussion is irrelevant when one party is completely missing. I hope that I made the distinction clear on this matter. '
I cannot address the issue that is at hand because he is missing as you said but also he has not told me what the issue is exactly, What is the Shariah reason for divorce? He gave me a number of hints: "' I wasn't ready, you're too much for me, I cannot make you happy, we are too different, this is not working out, we have an issue but I don't know what.'
And you also said sister: 'Finally, her husband had been in several relationships before this--let's put aside how the OP feels about this and I will not get into that. The reason that this is concerning in this case is because more than likely he knows the nature of women (and how to play them) and more than likely he has learnt to walk away from a relationship with a woman with no strings attached. He has treated his marriage, it seems to me, very much like a casual relationship in which he bears no reponsibility'
This was very hard to read as I now wonder whether perhaps there is was an element of that subhanAllah. But I don't know. I want to think better of him and hope this is not the case.
I forgot to add, I often hear people telling us that men seek respect and women seek love. I don't know if I agree. I believe that men and women both seek love and respect, and they, love and respect are one in the same or at least can't exist without the other. However, what is different is how that love/respect is expressed and understood.
I think you interpret my advice as against the husband, whereas I see it for the wife. I am not for their divorce, but rather a proper reconciliation with elders involved--as I said before, her health was negatively affected as her family observed and we have not. If you read my original comment, I suggested counselling. I did not tell her to run and get a divorce as you kind of implied in your reply to me. I have tried to give advice based on her situation, not on my situation.
Also, with respect to the author, I didn't say all her advice is bad, but I don't think it is applicable in every situation. I am not about to list off what situations--again, the Quran is the best primary source in my experience.
Finally, her husband had been in several relationships before this--let's put aside how the OP feels about this and I will not get into that. The reason that this is concerning in this case is because more than likely he knows the nature of women (and how to play them) and more than likely he has learnt to walk away from a relationship with a woman with no strings attached. He has treated his marriage, it seems to me, very much like a casual relationship in which he bears no reponsibility--as several other posters have commented as well.
AsSalaamu Alaikum sisters (Saba and Ayesha)
I still can't get why you should be disagreeing with each other here. The truth is that, after reading all your comments, I understood that, both of you gave valid points with no contradiction at all--your points are two combined ways that follow one another.
Assalam alaikum Br. Issah,
It is good to know your point of view. JazakAllah.
I commented here after many days only because I felt the need to make it clear that I am not pushing Hopefulsis to a divorce (as it seems this was assumed in today's comment and earlier as well) and that was not my advice at all.
In the case there is a reconciliation, I believe that elders should be involved--and that sister Hopefulsis should rely ultimately on the Quran and Sunnah before turning to other sources.
I do not wish to argue with Sister Ayesha, but only make these two things clear.
Salaams Brother Issah,
Lovely comment: ' -your points are two combined ways that follow one another.'
I agree.
Ayesha: AS long as he isn’t physically abusive (to u or if you have children to your children) doesn’t have any addiction, drugs alcohol, and isn’t CHRONICALLY unfaithful then you have what she terms as a ‘good guy.’
Is a woman considered "good girl" if she is not chronically unfaithful? Emotional abuse does cause more damage to the wife and family.
Salam sister Ayesha, thank you again for sharing your experience and wisdom.
I believe that my husband knows that I do not want a divorce, not like this. I want to follow what has been prescribed in the shariah and sunnah and not our desires. There's a process to nikkah and equally a process to divorce. It may be that if we follow the process of divorce correctly we will still divorce but then at least in the right manner. This would ease my heart.
You stuck it out with your husband Allhamdulilah and I believe that this may also be due to your husband not resorting to divorce. My husband would resort/allude to divorce. I did not, never crossed my mind.
I understand my husband was emotionally immature when it comes to marriage, but he is very mature in other parts of his life. The arguments were not even arguments. Something happens/is said/done- he gets annoyed to mad to silent. I go from confused to apologetic to upset. I never really argued back because I was trying to steer us away from ' divorce'. I did say how I felt once whilst he was away and did argue my points to which he backed down, apologised and wanted to see me and solve things.
Not being able to eat/sleep is a reflection of feeling overwhelmed/guilty on his part. I actually hard seeing him like that because I cared about him. But yes many times I was wrapped up in my own emotions and being apart meant lots of misunderstandings as you mention.
I am happy to work on myself and change for the better and I believe I already am Allhamdulilah. I don't want to be stuck in the past, but learn from it and move forward. I have learnt that if someone can be sincere to you then you should be forgiving and open to them. What can they actually do to you? Yes they can cause you emotional turmoil again and hurt. But in the grand scheme of things not much when you have full faith in Allah swt.
He did feel out of his depth as you say sister but so did I. This was all new to me too. But I was willing to learn- you know I'm not a good cook but I made dua Allhamdulilah and within weeks I was cooking 3 course meals for him. He loved it. believe me, I was sincerely trying.
As many have advices me already- he has to be a willing participant if there was to be are-conciliation.
Salam Saba!!
MadhAllah such a nice reply from you.
When I said I think had we gone back to one another now our relationship would actually be much better despite initially having to deal with what's happened. The fear of losing the other has gone, and I can see my own faults. I can see what I need to do to improve things for us I think I meant that it is possible for us to work things out. However I know that I have learnt from what I can do better in the future and that's now invaluable to me.
Having thought about it, me meeting him as a 'friend' is belittling when I am his wife. I'm removing all responsibility from him just to be able to see him. Not healthy at all and something I'll stay away from.
I don't regret paying for the wedding. I chose to marry him and I accepted that this was the best way for us at the time. Again there was no problem or mentioning of this in my household until he upt and left without a word to me or family.
Sister Saba you have given us very wise words about the rights and duties placed on both men and women who enter marriage. I didn't feel honoured. My self esteem went down very quickly. I was told ' I don't explain myself, defend myself nor value myself' and that ' his personality bulldozed me and that his personality is much stronger than mine'. I get tears in my eyes when I remember that. I didn't seek to compete with him nor did I disobey him in anything. I don't seek symphaty but I actually lowered my expectations somewhat already by allowing him to speak to me in this manner. I know I'm his responsibility and deserve kind treatment from him still and a proper following of Islamic procedures for talaq including calling mediators. He is my mahram but there is nothing I can do. His own emotions/preferences go above what is proper to do in the deen.
I have learnt that marriage is not good if it's harmful to you. It may be hard, challenging, difficult at times but should not be harmful.
I know that this is not the baseline for a good marriage. It's far off. I feel used and mistreated.
Sister Saba you said ' Exercise your rights as a Muslim woman because if you relinquish your rights, you may end up being taken advantage of or not valued.'
How very true that statement is. To exercise those Islamic rights you need to study them and know them as you say, as well as the rights of your husband. I will do that inshAllah.
On a more positive note I'm doing much better Allhamdulillah. No more regular crying in the car. I'm really looking forward to Ramadan. And my family surprised me with a beautiful gift. All my brothers and mom came into the kitchen( mom and brother are back from ummrah) and they gave me a new gold set; necklace, earrings, bracelets and rings. I was so chuffed I could not believe it. They'd pick things out of a box and say 'tada' and ' oh wow mashAllah suits you'!! I felt like a little girl again. I love my family and their support has been tremendous. They're going out of their way to soothe my heart and show me that I'm number one to them. It was the best present I have ever received; so unexpected and so kind of them. I've learnt so much about the love and loyalty a family provide Allhamdulillah.
I'm so grateful for all your advice. I thank Allah swt for the blessings and tests He is putting me through. I'd never learnt so much otherwise. It's onwards and upwards for me InshaAllah.
- Hopefulsis
Alhamdulillah its good to see you are doing well. Keep smiling and be happy and i hope the best for you in the future.
Hopefulsis,
Good to know that you are moving on little by little by the will of Allah. You learn so much about yourself after going through personal tragedy, and learn the beauty of Islam, which is a blessing in disguise.
Your husband didn't show any interest to talk about the problems you guys were facing. He has been ignoring you, and ending it all of a sudden with a simple text. He seems very cold-hearted, and changed like a weather. Despite of his egoness going down (wife's family paying for the whole wedding and career not established yet), if he really loved you and wanted to save his marriage, then he could have been a Man enough to communicate with you in a mature way and figure out ways to stay together.
Hopefulsis have you ever thought maybe he might be involved with someone else? I am curious to know what's his horoscope? I know that horoscope and astrology is prohibited in Islam. I was recently talking to a guy who is similar to your husband (charming, good looking, intelligent, dress well, giving good advice, practicing, and had past relationships), but all of a sudden ended the relationship like a wind with a lame excuse, and did not feel bad about it. I was very naive and I thought he was too good to be true. My wise friend analyzed my story and concluded that he had to be talking to another girl at the same time, because he would be gone for days and all of a sudden ended the relationship so cold.
Anyways, I wish you the best. I can feel how much you are effected by this. It's going to take time to heal. Try to get closer to Allah and beg for his mercy. There's nothing wrong with you. Don't blame yourself. Your a good person mashallah. These adult teenage guys don't know how to value us, and don't know what they are missing until it's too late.
I will pray for you sister. Stay strong.
Assalam alaikum Sister,
Horoscopes are not just prohibited in Islam, but one who follows them "falls directly into kufr (disbelief)".
Information on: http://sunnahonline.com/library/beliefs-and-methodology/70-the-islamic-ruling-on-horoscopes
So, please sister, stay away from reading and inquiring about horoscopes as this information is usually found by contacting the jinn.
I don't want to read too much into what you wrote about the man you were talking to, but I hope that you are involving your wali and not speaking to him alone because this is not allowed and it puts you in a very vulnerable position.
I agree with your last paragraph, 100%.
Salama Aleikum brothers & sisters,
Just a quick update.
I spoke to the sheik who asked whether he should contact my husband via email on my behalf to re-confirm the divorce. I said ok, but changed my mind. I want to wait until after Ramadan as I think I will be stronger then. I think I'm also hoping Ramadan will make my husbands heart to soften and he may realise his mistakes.
I have had a difficult weekend in which I have missed him. I did text him- I do regret this but it is honestly very hard. I sent him link to 3 videos made by Dr Yasir Qadhi about the 7 things men/women should know bout their spouse and a khutba on divorce. It really made me understand the way we were arguing and why. I also sent him a text saying I wanted us to work things out but he blocked me by then so he didn't get it.
I feel a little down today. An incident happened where I felt unsure and I naturally wished I could have called him to tell him. I feel very unprotected from a wife point of view. I just don't understand how you can treat your wife, despite the fact that you want a divorce in this manner. Listening to this lectures reinforced the heaviness of responsibility and duty by the husband. I just feel completely at loss as to HOW he manages to sleep at night. How can this ever be ok? How can I look him in the eye ever again and feel he could be a father to any future children of ours? Not logical. But my heart is lagging behind. Still dream about him at night. Still laugh with him in my sleep. Still want him to want to fix this. Still believe that there's plenty of goodness in him.
On a more positive note I got anonymous feedback from seniors and juniors I work with. I cut some of what they wrote:
She is very conscientious and hard working and works well in a team. She is very empathetic with her patients.
--
She is an extremely competent Dr who is diligent, hard working and has good clinical skills and acumen. She has made a lot of progress in her first 4 months and should continue to gain confidence and skills in the build up to becoming a senior.
I have absolutely nothing negative to say about this Doctor. She is always very helpful and accessible and she is true professional. She is an excellent doctor with positive attitude and its a joy to work with her.
--
She works well within a team,always responds when called and treats patients with respect.
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It has been a pleasure to watch her progress during the year. Her surgical skills, as well as her clinical judgment have vastly improved. She is becoming more confident and efficient in her management of patients and communicates well both with the patient and the team.
--
A great Team player, supports midwives and works with her scope
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A good Dr with good drive.
--
She is good in team work.
She very conscientiousness.
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this Dr is excellent for in her role and supports the seniors and is always helpful.
--
She is a good team player.
Made me very happy. My brother and parents were chuffed. Wasn't expecting it at all. It came at a time when I was doubting my abilities greatly. I wanted to share it with him. But I can't.
I'm a Muslim hijabi woman and Allhamdulilah I just wanted to share to say that Allah swt can place you with people who are totally different to you, non Muslim who will appreciate your hard work. Ie He swt can make any situation good for you if you're patient.
I'm really trying to be patient. Really trying but failing miserably sometimes. I have a lot of shortcomings I need to work on. I hope Allah swt forgives me and you our sins and protects us from the evil within ourselves and others.
I wish I good give you some advice. But I have to say may allah guide you and ease your pain and reward you with something unimaginably better. Thanks so much for sharing your story, you don't know how much I'm learning from your unfortunate struggles. Your strength is very contagious tho.
Assalaamualaikum Hopefulsis,
I can completely relate to your pain and feelings.. and its natural to get below thoughts which you mentioned :
I just feel completely at loss as to HOW he manages to sleep at night. How can this ever be ok? How can I look him in the eye ever again and feel he could be a father to any future children of ours? Not logical. But my heart is lagging behind. Still dream about him at night. Still laugh with him in my sleep. Still want him to want to fix this. Still believe that there's plenty of goodness in him.
But I want to give an advice sister, an experience from my life, I know its difficult to not let these questions come in your mind but there is no answer to it, only Allah[swt] knows why and the person who is doing this but as he has already stopped all the communication channels , it shows that you will never get an opportunity to ask this to him.
Infact I had got an opp to ask, I tried a lot , I asked him how can you sleep, eat or do this or that , knowing that your baby is there and you are not providing him anything.. forget about money, love, affection.. tears were flowing from his eyes but that is it. He wiped it and then went back to his home - his family - mother,father,sisters,brother - their spouses and kids. Neither me nor my kid belong to his family.. it hurts.. hurts a lot but we cannot do anything.. even if you run from pillar to post, this 'why' will not be answered and it will only hurt you.. so I suggest whenever you get this 'why' questions.. say 'Qadarallahu wama sha'aa fa'aala' [Decree of Allah(swt)].
May Allah ease your pain and it will happen gradually.. its been more than 2 years for me now and it is natural to feel miserable sometimes.
take care..
Salaams Hopefulsis,
You sound like a wonderful person, both personally and professionally.
I would reiterate my suggestion: That you make it clear to him that this divorce is not something you want and you want to give your marriage another chance. This can be done through the sheikh and if you want to wait until after ramadan then do so but i would suggest you do it now so he has something to think about.
Also since he told you to avoid emotional entanglement, then perhaps you should stop with the texts messages that are overly emotional for now...He may feel that you aren't giving him space that he requires and again not respecting his wishes. I know how hard it is and i can relate on some level. Rather when you miss him make a heartfelt dua to Allah to replace this feeling of loss/pain/heartache with something better.
`Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raji`un. Allahumma ujurni fi musibati, wakhluf li khairan minha'
(We belong to Allah and to Him we shall return. O Allah! Compensate me in my affliction, recompense my loss and give me something better in exchange for it),
Whoever recites this, Allah surely compensates him with reward and a better substitute.
Also recite excessively :
“Hasbi Allahu wa ne’mal wakil.” (“Allah is sufficient for me and is the best trustee of affairs.”)
Ya Hayyu Ya Qayyum, bi-Rahmatika astagheeth (‘O Living, O Sustaining, in Your Mercy I seek relief!’).
Recite a portion of the Qur'an everyday or listen to the Qur'an when you feel you don't want to recite. This will grant you peace as Qur'an is miraculous and has many hidden and apparent blessings.
May Allah help you and grant you double ease after you hardship...Ameen
Assalam alaikum Hopefulsis,
It sounds like you have a beautiful and loving family, maa shaa Allah. Take their guidance and enjoy your time with them, inn shaa Allah, it will work out in the end, but it is never easy during the trial.
You sound like an amazing doctor--maa shaa Allah.
Do not think you are failing just because of how you feel--what you feel is natural and the pain associated with it too is quite natural.
Sometimes our answers come to us when we put our full trust on Allah, pray our hardest, and trust that the outcome is best after we have tried our best--so during this very difficult waiting time, trust and focus your attention on Allah swt.
Asslamoalikum sister ,
The marriages where couples stays apart normally leaves some gaps and it needs to be handled maturely .The Text messages ,mails ,Facebook doesn't give the real picture .Staying together initially leads to many positive things which far distance relationship misses .
Congrats for good feedback but professional feedback is different and non relevant to your personal life .In your marriage important thing is how you and your husband feels . World feedback doesn't matter .Also parents feedback affter marriage is of no use .
If you want to continue this relationship you need to think about your husband's happiness .like How you can keep him happy .
May Allah make everything fine for you .
Allah hafiz
Salama Aleikum,
I only realised now I missed very important advice from sister Umm Abdullahi, Lisa, issah, sister Saba and Ayesha. Because if the nature if how you can reply beneath a persons input I just happened to not see it. But the truth is, I needed to read all of your advice it TODAY for it to have the impact that it is having on me.
SubhanAllah i want to cry because you take time out if your day to look out for me and advice me with the best advice. I literally read and re-read all your replies. You speak to my heart; even if you are critical I do not mind.
The wisdom that you have is SubhanAllah tremendous sister Saba, Ayesha and realisticsis. You make a huge impact on me and make me feel stronger, you make me wiser and give me reason/suggestions/helpful tips on how to improve myself & cope.
Sister Umm Abdullah your case made me so sad. I cannot imagine that you have been through. I agree with Sister Saba please post your story here too. It will help others who are in your situation.
I cannot reply currently to all the above- I want to think about it and absorb it. There were some things which were really quite difficult to read for me. I had a bad weekend and texting him may not have been the best thing for us.
I wish a brother could give us the perspective on the pressures/difficulties brothers may have faced early on in marriage and what helps/made it worse for them.
I will write again to reply to the above. I want to clarify & explain important points as I hope to continue to learn inshallah.
JazakhuAlkah khair. You are in my duas.
Wa Alaikum salaam sister Hopefulsis,
I think it isn't a good idea to continue chasing him--that could push him away more, or seem to him as an emotional pressure by you, especially when he gets stressed out by his job activities or whatever else, even though he is 100% wrong.
Pretend as if you are able to live without him. He will definitely miss you and search for you inshaAllah. When he comes back and apologize to you, accept him if you like, and then live with him with a complete respect and obedience, while at the same time, you draw his attention to the things that you need to work on together.
If he leaves again, let him go and be strong in living without him again, but when he comes back, live with him again in the same way you did before. He will learn to recognise the difference between living with you, and living without you, which will make him decide and choose what is good for him inshaAllah.
If he asks you why you don't chase him or search for him, tell him it was his choice, and that you respect that.
Please bear in mind that if he doesn't come back home at all, then chances are that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala Has a better plan for you, so leave the matter to Him, and put all your trust in Him.
One thing I would like to ask is about his deen. Is he religious? This is very important.
Salama Aleikum brother Issah,
Thank you for your advice. I'll try to back off. My husband is practising; he prays, fasts, listen to Quran. I wouldn't say he is strict in his deen. He was more religious some years back when he started a hadeeth class at the mosque and got other brothers to join. He also previously applied to Medinah university to study fiqh but did not get a place.
MashaAllah, your husband is good in his deen. However, it seems like the problem is about his character, but I will assume it is about his lack of experience with dealing with the emotional side of a woman. However, he shouldn't have ran away, or acted in a childish way.
You said:
Perhaps, the problem is here, and the solution is for him to understand the meaning of this "When I become emotional I want his re-assurance and love"
You being a woman, you know inside you that, you are not asking for too much, but to him, he needs to understand it clearly, as the way you do, and you can help him by appreciating the little things that he does for you, and how they make you feel good etc, and plus holding back some emotions little by little as he learns to deal with them gradually.
I agree that your father should speak to your husband about his behaviour, as sister "A" said below, and if possible involve his family as well.
However, I think the shiekh you mentioned could also counsel and advise your husband about the emotional side of a woman, and about good character in general from the Holy Quran and Sunnah, inshaAllah. So perhaps, the shiekh himself should suprise him by inviting him to his program, or you should just send him a short simple message, that the shiekh wants to see both of you there, or your father should invite him to meet the shiekh together--before ramadan would really be a good idea, inshaAllah.
If he still does not change and maintain his marriage relationship with you, then I will believe that Allah separated you from him, for a reason known to Him Alone.
Please know that, we are giving advice on how things could work for you, because you still want your husband back, otherwise, I personally wouldn't advise my own sister to try much for such situation--if he was still living with you and acting that way,,, that could be a different issue, but leaving the home without calling except texts, and plus not answering your phone calls are enough valid reasons to give up on him.
May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala grant you delight in your husband, and bless you with wonderful children. Ameen
Please, you may benefit from the below du'a too, inshaAllah, as it has been helpful to many spouses.
"Rabbanaa hab lanaa min azwaajinaa wa dhurriyaatinaa qurrata A`ayunin waj`alnaa li'l muttaqeena imaamaa" (Our Lord, grant us delight in our spouses and our children, and make us a good example for the righteous)
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says:
(Quran 25: 74)
Salama Aleikum brothers and sisters,
A very well known sheik got back in touch with me regarding my situation with my husband. Although my husband rejecting intercession/advice by anyone I believe that he respects this sheik.
The sheik is holding a talk in my city in 1 weeks time. He said he'd like to speak to my husband after the talk if we'll come. I will email my husband but want to be non emotional and make him see it's for both our benefits no matter what happens.
How do I do this?
Assalam alaikum Hopefulsis,
I hope you are in good spirits and the best of emaan, inn shaa Allah.
I have had an opportunity in my life to work with Muslim couples who were struggling in their marriages and I noticed that the ones who successfully returned to one another resulted when spouses acknowledged their mistakes--the ones who didn't, they didn't get back together OR the other just made a huge compromise. In fact, one case there was a husband who abandoned his wife right after the birth of their first child who was born 10 months after their marriage. Interestingly, the girl returned to her family, but didn't plead with her husband at all, in fact, she went to extremes by demanding a divorce--but her husband did something else--instead, he went to counselling on his own and spent over a year working to get a place for her and then made huge efforts to patch the marriage up with her. This is NOT the type of guy I would ever expect to go for counselling, but SubhanAllah, he fought for both himself and his wife. The case was different than yours in some respects--but I have to give huge credit to the man because he realized what he was doing was wrong (forced her to pay for her share of the expenses and when she couldn't, expected her parents to pay for his wife's needs, emotionally abusive). He owned his error and she accepted hers as well--They have now been together for over a year after being separate for a year--and he regrets all the milestones he missed with his child. Just thought I would share what I observed.
Back to your situation, I have kind of skimmed through some of your recent comments and I think you have received some good advice.
I agree with the suggestion that your father should be the one to contact your husband as I have mentioned before that your elders should be involved. What does your father say about this whole situation? The reality is that you were married for a very short time and I think that your father, your wali has to act on your behalf given the situation. Had you been married for a couple of years or had children, I might have said to email him on your own, but that isn't the case.
I know that you sent a few text messages and whether you should have or not is less important than the fact that by doing so you continue to make this the primary way of communication. It will not provoke accountability on the part of your husband--which is what is needed. Also, because you choose to text, he never has to deal with you as a whole--it is just a part of a part of you...which he chooses to ignore. By texting, you set a particular tone in which the bar is set very low for him--I don't think this is wise as you should value yourself more than this.
The bottom line is, even if you decide to talk to your husband on your own, ask you father for advice as he knows you and the situation. Also get the Sheikhs perspective as well because he can also let you know what your rights and responsibilities are, as well as your husbands. You may even want to see a Muslim counsellor on your own--I know that one counsellor I spoke to always said it was critical that a wife in this type of situation remains calm and clear on her end so that her husband takes her seriously--so avoid being emotional with him--especially because he is NOT giving you signs that this is long-term. I do not think it is wise to invest further emotions until matters become clear. Allah knows best.
I pray the best for you and hope this coming Ramadhan gives you more strength and clarity in your life and emotions, Ameen, thummah Ameen.
Salam hopefulsis,
I feel sorry to hear about your situation. I just don't understand why you are running after a man who has made it clear that he doesn't want to be married to you? He has treated you badly and does not show any love for you. Even if he speaks to the sheikh and agrees that what he is doing is wrong, he only only go back to you because of the sheikh and not because he wants to! This may cause problems later on in your marriage. You can't force someone to accept another if in their heart they can't. That means he will only go back to you as a guilt trip not because he loves you or respects you or wants to make it work?
Is this what you want fake love and respect. Love and respect are characteristics of a good human being. Love and respect are earned they cannot be forced upon someone. If he was a boyfriend the. Everyone would have said leave him don't Persue marriage as he is a bad person. But because he is your husband everyone is saying to make it work even though he has a bad character. And praying and fasting does not automatically mean good character! Their are many people who are not religouse yet they are of excellent manners and character and on the other hand their are many people who are religous but hurt others and only care about their own interests.
Marriage is not a prison for women. Marriage should be about loving and respecting each and helping one another. Why should one exert so much emotional pain and suffering and waste their time to try to make their marriage work when the husband is being abusive and doesnt want to try. A women doesn't have the power to change men. Only Allah has the power to change someone. Some people are bad and you can't change them you stay with then and suffer. What are you getting in return? Pain?
Are we in this world only to suffer in a marriage. Is surviving an abusive marriage the only purpose in life for women? Allah has made men and women equal. We both have rights to love and respect. Why should we settle for less. Why do we have to be the one taking responsibilty to mend it everytime? why do we have to read men's mind?? women do not have special powers! Divorce is not the end of the world. If you find a man who cares and respects you then everything in life becomes so much easier. Its so much easier to worship Allah, so much easier to love and respect the husband, so much easier to complete the household duties etc etc. everything is out of love it becomes a pleasure. But when you deal with someone who abuses you everything becomes a burden! Your marriage becomes a burden, your kids become a burden! A bad marriage with only one sided love affects everyone! A good marriage where husband and wife equally love and treat each other well brings happiness to everyone.
Speak to the sheikh but think about what YOU want from a husband, from a marriage. Do you want him to accept this marriage under duress or from his heart ( for that you will have to see changes in his character with actions to prove it)
Assalam aleikum sister,
I don't know how to thank you, but thank you so much and I pray Allah swt gives you hasanat for each letter you have typed to me.
I can see what you are saying. I am still very twisted about what has happened and your point of view is not amiss to me. It really is not. Sometimes it feel as if I start on a route and just need someone to say 'Hold on, that' s not what you stand for. Be you!' I don't stand for many of the things that I have done so far but when one's emotions are turned upside down you can lose your own essence.
Sister you said,
" If you find a man who cares and respects you then everything in life becomes so much easier. Its so much easier to worship Allah, so much easier to love and respect the husband, so much easier to complete the household duties etc etc. everything is out of love it becomes a pleasure. "
There may be difficulties in a marriage but there are rules too. Being neglectful to the point that you have no idea about how your wife is or if she needs anything is beyond ridiculous. Or even having the decency and respect to talk to her properly before calling for a divorce. Basics seem to be missing here.
I'm not going to see the sheik (I will email him to let him know) and I will not contact my husband. Every time I chose to contact him my self-respect and dignity chips away. This is just wrong.
Your advice hit home. I feel like I am running a marathon and I'm really out of breath now. Really out of breath and I need to stop to rest inshAllah.
I am going to prepare for Ramadan instead and use my time more wisely. JazakhuAllah khair.
Thank you so much Sister.
I am not good at words to express what I am feeling now but I would like to thank Sister Saba and Sister Sumaira especially and hopefulsis - you are really very good and strong. I wish I could meet you and hug you.
Though Sister Saba and Hopefulsis encouraged me to publish my post but this post is very much similar to mine except few more details.
I follow this post everyday and re-read advices again and again as I feel that this is not address for hopefulsis but for me.
I would like to thank everyone who has given their valuable advice, supported us and encouraged us.
As-salamu Alaykum, Sister,
Speaking as a mother, I think it may be wise at this point to hand this case over to your parents, particularly your father, who can simply contact your husband and ask him what his intentions are regarding the marriage. If his intention is to come back, then your father should be firm with him and explain that the current situation is unacceptable and that he needs to take steps A, B, and C before he will be welcome back in your life. You have received really wonderful advice in this thread, particularly from Ayesha, but I think it is really unacceptable and immature of him to be blocking you and not contacting you at all. Get your father involved, and have him make your husband understand that he will now need to speak to HIM if he wants back into your life. This is just my opinion based on other cases I have seen. Men generally only do this to women when they see a lack of involvement or interest from the wife's family. You should not be left hanging like this, and I am pretty sure that your father can bring a stop to that aspect of the problem pretty quickly.
Assalama aleikum sister A,
I will ask my father to call him inshAllah. I think that is a very valid and good point.
I'm really tired today and want an end to this saga. His behaviour is unacceptable and he'd never accept his own sister to be treated like this. I think it's just time to stop and move on.
Salam all,
I spoke to my parents and said I'd like my father to contact him. I feel a huge relief just to get that off my chest and feel that I don't have to handle him on my own. Thank you sister A.
This divorce is not my choice nor decision. The way he is acting is not my fault or again decision. The way his family have been silent is not my decision. The fact that he is not following Islam in his decision to divorce is again... not my decision nor responsibility. He is an adult man who CHOSE out if his own free will to enter a mitaqan qaliida - a sacred covenant. A sacred covenant with me as his wife and Allah swt as our Master and Judge.
I'm not responsible for him, his attitude/feelings and his family or how this is proceeding or being dealt with. I cannot do more than I have done. It is my duty to sincerely remind him of Allah swt and our deen. I have already done so. I cannot help him or resolve our differences because he left.
There is no way in this world that I want to 'convince' him of sharing his life with me, being his wife. No. Everyone has choices to make in life. His choice, his responsibility.
I was typing a reply above and just posted it when I read this--I am glad that you are seeking clarity in your relationship and I am sure most of us would want this clarity if the same thing happened to our sister or daughter.
May Allah bring you peace and comfort in your mind, heart and soul, Ameen.
Salam Hopefulsis...Checking to see how you life has been since your last post. InshAllah for the better. You have been through a lot and I I hope you are doing better. What has been the status of your dilemma?
Salama Aleikum Tami,
So kind of you to check up in me. JazakhuAllah khair May Allah swt reward you for your thoughtfulness.
I've had a difficult time but Allhamdulilah feel I have learnt much and grown as a Muslim.
Ramadan was a blessing- everything felt calm, I felt at peace.
I had some communication from my husband in the form of text as expected. He wished me Ramadan Mubarak on the first night but also managed to mention my suitcase and how we can make arrangements for him to return it. I did not reply. Throughout Ramadan I texted him 2-3 times. The first time to share good news that I had passed all my assessments at work and would progress into next year of training. It was probably unnecessary but I missed him. He was happy for me. The other two times I sent him duas, duas that I had made for him ( nothing to do with our marriage but just that Allah swt would make him prosper in every avenue in life).
Just before the last 10 days started and just as then 'iddah' was about to be complete he texted me and said he missed me, he'd kept away because he did not want to hurt me anymore and he wanted me to come to his graduation. He said that he's scared of hurting me and that he just can't guarantee he won't hurt me. I did not reply. Then came a text in which he said he prayed he wouldn't hurt me again and asked whether the iddah was complete?! I did not reply. He texted again and said he prays he won't hurt me again and that he takes me back as his wife. I did not reply. All these text were within a couple of hours within each other, on a day of fasting from post fajr to lunch time.
Finally he said ' I slipped this morning, I had a moment similair to yours a while back. Please forgive my stupidity'. I was taken aback but not too surprised. I had no need to reply. At night he texted again and said ' I think I reversed the divorce in my half sleep status.'
For the next couple of nights, during the last 10 nights of Ramadan I would receive texts asking whether the iddah was complete or not, what's wrong with me can I not be an adult and state whether I had 3 cycles or not etc etc. I did not reply to any of it. He tired himself out. I only replied when he apologised and let his guard down and then I did not discuss the marriage but I made dua for him. I could not bare him fretting and stressing when he should be praying and making the most of Ramadan. He admitted that he was sorry for the way he expresses himself and that he does care about me. He also said he did not know why he reversed the divorce when he was not 100% committed. He said I was a wonderful person with no limitations but that he felt he could not give me what I deserve in life. He said he lacked in many fields. He was unable to answer any questions I had because he couldn't even answer his own questions. He said he'd wait for instructions from me as he did not know what to do. He kept saying he was sorry, he never meant to put me through this, he should have discussed things with me before reverting the divorce. But it was clear that he wanted to know when I was in a pure period so he could email the divorce again. He did not, NOT, want to work on the marriage or step up and be a man about it. That was clear.
My father contacted him via writing and was very short- he emailed the divorce within 15min. He did not need time to think and he did not call my father. My father also said he is expected to pay back what he spent of my/my families money.
We have not heard anything from his family.
My husband has just started his job. I am sad I was not able to be there for him on his graduation day or for the first day of his job. I'm sad I could not help him, calm him down or make him see sense. Not because I couldn't be there physically but because he cut me off. Almost 3 months had passed before he texted me but he said he had all these thoughts he could not figure out & he was still on the same crossroads. I thought 3 months is a long time- how can you not figure out how/why you feel the way you do seeing he had no studies and Ramadan occurred to?!
The way he has treated me; from a religious, cultural or moral perspective is just so wrong. After 3 months he came back with the same behaviour. It's just this time I did not respond, plead or beg him.
Everyone in my family has written him off, from young to old, brothers, parents, cousins. I'm the only one it's taking time for, for it to truly sink in.
I'm now in my iddah. I don't have much to go, 2 months. I know I'm lucky to have so much in life: my deen, family, safety, a job, my youth, the ability to re-marry and have children inshallah. But I also lost my husband and his actions and words have left me with deep wounds in my heart. I still struggle daily with my thought/feelings but I accept Allah swt decree and I have hope that what's to come will be better for me.
Some of the blessings and wisdom Allah swt showed me are:
1. The iddah had never started- my husband tried to divorce me the first time in the wrong manner. Although I sent him Islamic articles/videos a long time ago he clearly did not bother to learn about it. So it was not valid, my parents and I knew that but they wanted to wait until after Ramadaan to contact him. When he texted me 'to take me back as his wife' it was all just hot air to me. Had it been my true iddah I may have felt even worse the way he slipped in/out of divorce, the way he was playing with my life.
2. He apologised numerous times, admitted I had done nothing wrong to warrant this and said the fault was with him.
3. He showed me he suffers from emotional instability. One moment it's an angry text next he's apologising. He does not restrain himself and I think hats due to lack if emaan. I made/make dua for him most days.
I don't think my husband loved/loves me. I think he cares, but doesn't know how to show that even. I think due to his immaturity and lack of responsibility previously in life he does not know how to solve conflicts or to do the right thing. The divorce is not so much the issue anymore, it's his behaviour and actions that are so inappropriate!
For some crazy reason I have never lost hope in my husband though or that he has the ability to turn this around. I always believed in his abilities and his potential. It's funny how I can overlook and forgive ALOT to believe in his goodness. Perhaps it is because I truly loved him & took him on as a husband, a qawaam, protector, leader. I made excuse after excuse for him. I tried my best.
But when my iddah is complete he'll be nothing but a stranger to me.
I'm sorry I could not give you all better news. It works out for some and for others there's better things to come inshAllah.
I don't think there's anything else to be said but as always if you feel something's missing I appreciate your thoughts.
Hopefulsis: just as then ‘iddah’ was about to be complete he texted me and said he missed me, he’d kept away because he did not want to hurt me anymore and he wanted me to come to his graduation. He said that he’s scared of hurting me and that he just can’t guarantee he won’t hurt me.
why did you guys did not talk in person or on phone without getting emotional about why he wants to hurt you?
Salam SVS,
I felt that I did not want to reply. I just felt he was firing off. He could have stopped. He could have given me a chance to digest what he was saying and call him or ask him to call me about it. That's a more sensible thing to do. But maybe I should have taken that opportunity to talk to him. I don't know, the messages came in quick succession. Just because I don't reply straight away does that mean you continue and descend into emotional turmoil? I don't know.
To talk and resolve things he must know what he wants. It seemed he did not know. He said ' I CANNOT guarantee I won't hurt you'. It's a very odd statement and I know what it means and it was not enough. That didn't fill me with a sense of security. He says one thing but acts the opposite. For me to talk to him I'd at least want him to know what he wants. It was still very easy for him to text me angry disrespectful texts. After 3 months and all this silence I thought there would have been a better approach.
If I had spoken to him I felt it would be the same thing as before. Oh this and that, oh I don't know. But maybe I should have spoken to him. I don't know.
I did not want to talk him into staying with me. Had he said I want us to talk about the issues we had I would have.
Hopefulsis,
JazakAllah Khair for taking the time to write your story. Many people can benefit from your story. It's good to talk to people about your struggles because they can really help open your eyes. You remind me of myself a lot- soft, caring, and giving. And we get hurt easily.
You not answering to his constant text messaging shows that you have become stronger and wiser. You have made the smart move and Allah has given you the power to make the right decision. "He said ' I CANNOT guarantee I won't hurt you' --Your husband still sounds immature and not up for changing his behavior. You have not lived with him yet, so can you imagine the back and forth hardship you would have had to face. Some men never want to change and are selfish. It's his loss.
Allah has something better for you in store. I pray that you find someone new and be worthy to be with him, inshAllah. May you be among the best Muslimah doctor.
Best, Tami
JazkhAllah khair Tami,
Allhamdulilah I'm doing so much better as compared to before. This is what's best for me Allhamdlilah. I saw some pics on facebook. Suffice to say the little hope I had in my heart died on the spot. I definitely do not want anything to do with him any longer not to even be associated with him. This man is so far off my criteria of whom I want to be with for the rest of life that I feel better off now Allhamdulillah. I just know better now. And I'm not sorry about it anymore.
I'll probably look back and feel that this so far was the best test Allah swt Gave me. I feel I'm growing as a Muslim woman everyday.
Salam all,
I've had a difficult two week break from work where I've been going through every range of emotion you can think off. I've spent all my time at home whilst everyone was at work. I've kept busy exercising, reading, cleaning, praying etc.
But emotionally I've been on a rollercoaster. It has resulted in me emailing him 4 times saying exactly how I feel about all that has happened. My marriage is over. I never got to talk about it. I felt I had no closure. It may not have been the best thing to email him but I needed to get so many things off my chest. I wanted him to know my perspective even if he did not agree. A lot of it was brutally honest and I didn't hold back. Towards the end I was more cordial and explained that only the two of us would carry this in our past for the rest of our lives and no one else. I said I hoped we both will heal from it.
I also noticed his older 36 yr old brother posting things on facebook about ' walking away from emotional drama, the best way sometimes is to walk away'. My husband is closest to his brother, they talk about everything. I don't think walking away from your marriage is the best thing to do. I wonder whether his brother would have walked away from his wife with an email and horrible text messages.
About 1 week ago I saw pictures that my husband put up on facebook with his new colleagues. They threw him a surprise birthday party. When I texted him on my birthday whilst he was travelling he ignored me. I don't celebrate birthdays but I was clutching at straws at the time, anything for him to respond.
On the picture he had shaved off his beard, had 3 party hats on and stood in the middle of a group photo smiling. He had his arms around 2 girls standing next to him. The other non Muslim men in the picture had their arms to themselves. So I don't think they're a close knit group. That's when all hope died for me.
With me he'd rebuke me if I linked arms with him when we walked outside. He projected an aura of not liking touchy feely stuff. He said it takes time for him to show care blah blah. He made me feel stupid for loving him or wanting to be close to him. This pic of him was private- but he posted it online and made it public. And his brother 'liked' the picture. I honestly could not recognise him. The attraction was literally gone, I felt embarrassed seeing that picture knowing family/friends know we're married. Some people may say so what they're colleagues?! I don't agree. It's out of bounds with Islam. And why make such a pic public? I deactivated my facebook now. I also emailed him at the time telling him to at least make his profile private as it is embarrassing. He never replied but did hide the pics the same morning and made things private. He had no clue I could see his pics. I had prayed that fajr for Allah swt to show me the way to let go emotionally. Then I saw those pics and I could sense a shift away from him in my heart. The fog cleared up greatly. I could see this was not the man I thought I was marrying.
I am in my iddah period.
I am feeling better Allhamdulilah overall but these 2 weeks have been difficult.
I think, although I did not wish for it, there was no option left but divorce. My husband could not take on any of the responsibilities of marriage or be good to me. He couldn't keep within the boundaries of Islam.
Did I go overboard by emailing him?
I told him I found him emotionally & verbally abusive. I asked him where his conscious as a Muslim man went when he just upt and abandoned me & our marriage. I've not responded to him for so long and then it all came at once. I thought I was moving forward then a wave of emotional turmoil hit me.
I wouldn't have been happy with him in the long term. I think he has too many issues but I have a feeling his family may think I demanded too much or was 'trapping' him emotionally/financially. There seems to be an air of high fiving and thinking he's a young man with a bright future ahead, he doesn't need a woman like me to drag him down. Maybe I'm imagining it as they never contacted us but I find this a disastrous attitude. Funnily enough I could perhaps have been a woman to help him up. Perhaps there was a lot of good in me he lost.
I feel lucky to be getting off so easily Allhamdulilah. There was a potential for a lot of harm in this relationship.
I just don't know why emotionally I'm still so wounded, still angry, raw. Is this normal? Seeing and witnessing what I have- why can't I just get it in my head that he never was the man I thought I was marrying. Why do I feel I'm the one who'll carry the wounds of this mess whereas he's been let off so lightly? Why do I care what his family thinks?
Please advice.
OP: Did I go overboard by emailing him?
What are you trying to accomplish by emailing him? I don't think he is going to feel sorry after reading your emails. He may be focussing on thing you do/did that upset him.
Don't email him about anything bad, just email him what was good between you two.
Feelings and anger you are getting is result of your obsession with thoughts about how bad you were treated.
What is your future plan? Is there a hope you two can get back togather?
Salam SVS,
I needed to have my say. Maybe not the best thing but it's over and I wanted to tell him how his actions and words impacted on me. He may not feel bad but he may consider what I've said and see that he needs to reflect on how he behaves. I also pointed out what I thought were my mistakes but of course all from my perspective.
He has a habit of mulling things over and responding later. I still have no real explanation for many things that happened. Maybe that's how it'll always be.
My future plan is to heal from this and keep moving forward. There is no hope.
I also feel like I'll never forgive him.
Forgiving him will only free up your mind of extra stress of relationship that did not work.
Dear Hopefulsis
Time will heal your wounds .Always , Time is the the great healer .
This time just after your divorce, you will get different feeling at different times ,Some times Relief ,some times painfull ,some times anger ,some times revenge etc etc .But it will go away with the time .
Be patient ,positive and have trust in Allah .May be allah has kept some thing better for you in future .
Allah is with those who are patient .
Allah hafiz
Forgiving him is a way for you to let go off the past, so you can move on to new life. Feel your feelings now. It will take a long time for you to heal. Thank Allah that you have been saved from a misery marriage and you didn't have a child with him. Your husband has no feelings, sadness, or regret. His true colors came out. When relationships break, men can easily move on to meeting a new person. That's how they are I am sorry to say. So, you should not think if he will ever remember you and regret for what he has done. Don't worry about his family. If his family and brother truly cared about saving the marriage, then they would have gotten involved.
You are stronger than you think you are. I know you will be able to breath and let go. You have a supporting family and strong Iman. May Allah help you heal your wounds.
SVS: I understand but I don't think I'm ready to forgive him. Even on a level of Muslim to another Muslim he treated me badly. He has shown little remorse and refused to help me understand. When I asked him his answer was 'I have many questions I can't answer myself and therefore I think it would be unfair to try to answer yours'. A week later he is prancing around on fb. The level of sincerity is zero.
Logical thank you for your kind words.
Tami- I thank Allah swt everyday. I loved what I thought he was, not what he turned out to be. Yes I'm lucky that his true colours showed so quickly. But I still have moments of grief like feelings, feelings of loss.
He did not respond to any of my emails. There was no love or care from his side. There was no compassion. Whenever he said he is sorry it was wrapped with I...I...me...me. He could never make a selfless statement.
Difficult to understand I married into that. I've learnt about why I made that choice. I just want the feelings to stop.
Assalam alaikum,
Dear Hopefulsis,
May Allah help you to heal and move on, Ameen.
Don't dwell on your mistakes and try to understand his behaviour. Focus on healing yourself, seeking tranquility in remembering Allah swt, enjoy the good times with your family and move on. He isn't worth another tear when he treated marriage so casually. I know you have those feelings inside of you, but you can channel that energy in other ways. Maa shaa Allah, you are a doctor and have a loving family--many people in the world need you and your expertise.
All the best to you, inn shaa Allah.
Wa alaikuma Salam wa rahmatuAllah wa Barakatuh Sister Saba,
So lovely reading your words again mashAllah. I agree that my focus needs to be on better things in life inshAllah to move forward and benefit from my time. I am grateful for the many Blessings Allah swt Gives me- sunshine, safety, water, family. It's just my feelings that need to be corrected.
I have set some plans such as learning Arabic, going back to memorisation of the Quran and studying. I'd like to improve myself. I've had two weeks of difficult feelings and actions. I think I needed that to process things a final time. I'll try to plan my days better so I don't find myself idly thinking about what has happened.
JazakhuAllah khair sis.
From reading your post, I'm thinking maybe he has a girlfriend he was to scare to leave her and be with you, I'm sorry to bring this up .if he was spenting 3 hours with friends you just never know. And marsallah your a smart sister you will find someone soon insallah that loves you
The way as you love him too. Just becareful this time learn from this make sure you get to know this
Person 1st before you marry him and so t pay for anything that is his job as a man not yours or your family..where I came from the guy pay for everything the wedding gold everything that's his job no matter how rich the women is...stay safe and healthy.
Assalaamualaikum Hopefulsis,
How are you doing? Just wanted to check on you , how are the things now, your work life and I hope you are having good time with your family.
Take care...
Salama Aleikum sister Umme Abdullah,
JazakhuAllah khair for checking up on me.
Allhamdulillah I'm doing so much better. The divorce was complete in the first week of October. That same week I started a new job which was perfect in terms of keeping me occupied.
Since emailing the divorce there was no further contact from him.
But we are now strangers to each other. It was difficult up until the divorce completed. Once it was done it was a relief. I knew it was permanent and I'd never have to deal with him again.
In terms of the emotional roller coaster of this; it was very hard. Mostly I felt I had to get through it on my own with help from family and you guys. But there were moments I felt very lonely, especially at night when everything was still and I turned to Allah swt. Praying and having Ramadan during this time made it bearable.
Post divorce the feelings are different. I view him as I should have from the beginning. We're not suited and he didn't understand marriage nor love me. Even if he did he was incapable of being kind and considerate towards me. I don't know why but I think it's to due with his upbringing and his previous lifestyle. I do feel very sorry for him because I think the way he behaved will take him a long time to overcome. It's the manner and his actions in which he discarded marriage that will affect him and how he treated me. I could not imagine a life with him anymore. It feels strained and suffocating just thinking about it. I wish him well but I don't think of him so much anymore. I don't miss him. I'm relieved of him Allhamdulillah. What I do think about and comes back to me are the feelings I went through and how sad and hopeless I felt. I also remember his horrible words and actions. That brings stinging tears to my eyes occasionally. He feel so alien to the world I was brought up in and hence I know for sure that it's not normal nor he could never be part of my life anymore.
Being divorced and now that my community have heard I do sometimes wonder ' How will this affect my future?' The people in my community have actually been supportive. What is very good is that I did not have a wedding party, I did not move to him and they never saw us together. They are therefore of the opinion that we barely had established anything. So all the things that were bothering me were in fact blessings in the end. But at all times I come to the conclusion that life will be better with someone who can give as you give, love as you love and who'll keep you feeling protected with him. I do wish for marriage already because it is beautiful and a blessing. I'm not ready to trust anyone however and therefore I need to take it very slowly and allow myself to move away from what has happened. I've also had to learn from my mistakes, number 1 being choosing by the wrong criteria when seeking marriage. My ex showed big red signs before marriage and I still went ahead. His behaviour never changed, it was consistently bad. But I wanted to marry and felt he was right. It's dangerous to feel like that and not seek familial opinion and take time to investigate thoroughly. I had low self esteem next to him and believed in his big talk. But the actions were true throughout the engagement and marriage. This I've had to confess to myself in hindsight and realise I made a big mistake in believing he would change and marrying him.
My marriage affected everything in my life in a bad way very quickly. It was not healthy, not loving, not built on the deen not safe. Marriage is not meant to be like that. Hanging on to a man who is mistreating you, putting you down, not fulfilling your rights and disrespecting you and your family is not worth it. There is never an excuse. I've never felt so low in my life nor anxious and scared.
Allhamdulillah I feel like I was given a second chance to chose better. I love my family, love my new job and the feeling of contentment I feel. I hope to write to you with good news when they do occur inshAllah.
JazakhuAllah khair for each and everyone of you who wrote to me. You helped me through it immensely and helped me let go of a toxic marriage.
Assalaamualaikum Sister,
Though its not something good but still it is good to know that your divorce process is completed. Mine will be completed by next week. I can understand and relate to what you have said.
I feel glad to see your positive response.. you are really hopeful and may Allah(swt) bless you with abundant happiness.
Please remember me and my son in your prayers.
Take care
Salama Aleikum everyone,
It's nearly a year since I got married. I have good and bad days still, majority are good Allhamdulillah. It feels surreal to think about everything that happened in just the space of one year. I feel like it was a dream. It was a tough year but a year of learning for me.
I looked at a picture of my ex , a recent one. I knew I wanted to see one to see how I feel. I didn't recognise or view him as before. He looked like any average guy. He looks very different from a year ago, he gained weight & grew his beard. That special way I used to think of him was gone. I don't know why he chose to hurt me & then leave me in a cruel way. I know now and wholeheartedly believe that there was nothing wrong with me. He could not love me or open up. His world view is opposite to mine. And I know that I had no life with him.
It is strange seeing this person that you married and think- was he really my husband? A husband? It doesn't feel like that. I don't feel he was. I sometimes wish I could just see him as a fiancé or potential suitor because then I'd move on quicker. But HUSBAND is such a blessed honourable role and I saw none of it with him.
When I married, all my future plans merged with and included him. I believed he was the one I'd be with and despite it being difficult I was willing to give it my all to make it work if he wanted to.
My life is now separate from his and we are strangers to one another. Seeing him made me wonder how he is. But it's not my role to care anymore.
Allhamdulillah it does get better with time and I have learnt that you can let go of someone even if you thought it'd be impossible at the time. And I've learnt that people can be self serving and hurtful despite your kindness and well meaning manners.
I also think it's important not to get stuck. It's ok to cry and hurt even long after they've left. It's good to talk about it to people you trust. Its a healing process and it takes time. But keep moving forward; pray, eat, go to work, spend time with family and friends.
Yes there's an empty space in my heart because of him and there are wounds in my soul that he inflicted. And I'm still working on correcting myself and being a better person. But because I believed his words at the time I've had to work hard to undo them. To know that I'm nothing like he depicted me. I am sad for him to have lost me because I know I could have made him very happy and I don't think he ever realised.
After my iddah I had two brothers who were interested in me. After speaking to my parents about it I realised I'm not ready and one of them did not feel right for me. I hope next year Allah swt will Bless me with someone who will be a means of closeness to Him and a dream come true. I also hope to forget and forgive my ex soon.
JazakhAllah khair for all your advice,
Hopefulsis
It is great to read how you are doing. Often we read about people's problems and wonder about the outcome--it is wonderful to know that you, Alhumdulillah, are doing just fine!
Salaam hopeful sis, that's such an inspiring update. Thank you. I've just been sat here crying because my husband wants a divorce but has no real reason for it, and refuses to see where he has gone wrong. Above all he was cruel enough to say he doesn't love me anymore. It's good to know that you can get over this, this was my biggest fear whether I'll ever open up my heart to anyone again - it just feels so fragile. Pls keep me in your Duas. May Allah SWT continue to heal you and replace your ex with someone who keeps you smiling and content and gives you the respect you deserve, ameen.
Salam sister Bucks,
I'm truly sorry for the pain you're going through. You're story sounds much like mine. When my ex divorced me I did not understand why because marriage is so sacred and you should try all other options before even considering divorce. But he only wanted divorce. I could never have guessed he had this in him. I think he was unable or unwilling to understand that as an adult you make choices and take responsibility. I didn't want to force him to stay but I did not want a hasty divorce without trying to work things out. I have a feeling in my heart that had he just spoken to me earnestly and turned to Allah swt things would have been different. But equally things happened this way because it was destined to; he would always be unable to chose anything different, he was unable to commit to marriage. I don't think it was so much about me.
I know how you feel. I know how much it hurts sis believe me. I know how you perpetually think about the same things, what he said, what you said, what he did etc. but it leads to no good.
Your husband is not YOU. You are logical, patient, understanding, kind, forgiving, learning. All the things that make for a great wife. He is not on the same page and does not know how to do these things or is unwilling to, and you can't make him.
Let go sis. You tried more than I did. You can't make him love and care for you no matter what he said when he married you. Look at what he is now and it wasn't long since you married. This is him. You didn't do this, he came into the marriage being like this. People have certain characteristics that they have picked up from childhood and developed into adults with. Ypur husband needs his own time and life to learn his mistakes and mend his ways or sink with his sins, May Allah swt Guide us all. But you were not created to guide him and protect him. He is hurting you and does not care. Let him do what he wants, move on and fight for your own future. How can a man you met yesterday set the tone for the rest of your life?! If you were to have children would you want to hem to have a mother who spends her whole day crying about their fathers behaviour? Would you not want them to have two parents who love one another and show that to their children and teach them good manners such as truthfulness and kindness.
It's not easy. I'm still hurting but have moved on. The man I saw in that picture I don't really know him. The man I married didn't really exist. If I bumped into him today I know he would be the one feeli shame, if walk with my head high. I did everything I could sis, I included him fully in my life & heart. I let go of mine and his mistakes, apologised and made it up to him. I'm going to save all my good feelings, love and care for my future husband and not waste it on people who don't exist. And If I cry I cry for myself and what I'm struggling with , not for some boy who has a trouble being an adult.
I'm here for you sis and I'll make dua for you. Please remember me in your dua too.
Hugs
Hopefulsis
Salaam sis,
I've been through a tough time and I did post it on here few months ago
Im still struggling and trying to pick up the pieces. But sis what hurts is, like myself you were innocent in this whole situation, but why and how do these stupid men get away with it?. it really hurts me when I see my ex has moved on planning his wedding. Sister can I ask, is your ex happy or is he suffering? Has Allah punished him yet for breaking His servants heart and leading you on and breaking your heart?
xx
Assalam alaikum Sister,
i know the question is not for me, but I read a couple of your last comments and I feel that the reason you are in pain is because even though you call the men that do these things "stupid", you are still giving the person that hurt you so much importance, why? Why are you letting that person define your happiness and your purpose in life? Do we not as humans have a greater purpose than the person that hurts us?
And why does it matter who is suffering and not suffering after hurting someone. That implies some very dangerous thinking. It implies that bad people will suffer in the world visibly for everyone to see and good people will not--which means, that if you and I suffer, we are bad? That if someone tortures us, we are bad? This world isn't fair and if it was, there wouldn't be a need for the day of Judgement.
The best thing to do is to let go of your attachment to the person that hurt you--holding on to feelings of hate and hoping for revenge only imprisons you, not them.
Jazak Allah khairan for your response.
Sis it just really hurts sis! I don't see light at the end of the tunnel sis. Advise me sis what more can I do?? Continue my daily prayers and dhikr and tahajjud? What else will cause a miracle to occur sis??
Salam sister neem. I understand your pain and hurt. I know it's not easy but the first step is to completely cut off contact with him and anyone or anything associated with him. Don't update yourself with what is happening in his life. Instead focus on yourself and your family and friends around you. Occupy your time, stay busier than you have ever done. Go study, build your career, take up a hobby, volunteer work, travel, do absolutely anything to keep your mind off him. The best revenge is to move on and make a success out of your life sister. Believe me I went through a phase where I wanted nothing but to see him in pain, to see him cry and feel bad for what he had done and the disrespectful way he had treated me. But as difficult as it was and still is, I pushed myself to do something more productive and worthwhile. The one thing Allah gave me Some control over was my career and I have been building that and alhamdulillah so far I'm doing really well, much better than him. Next thing I did was help my parents. Then I booked myself away for a nice holiday in the sun.
I'm not saying it's easy, I still struggle, I still miss him more than anything. But I don't have control over someone else's behaviour, but I have control over how I react.
You need to break this attachment you have with him. It will be difficult but as time goes on and you start focusing your mind elsewhere it will get a little bit easier. You will still have moments where you feel weak and that's natural, take care of yourself when this happens. Allow yourself to cry and grieve. Speak to your loved ones and tell them how you feel so that they can reassure you. But these days will begin to reduce as time goes on.
Im not sure if things will return to normal, for me they haven't yet but I'm working on it. Taking each day as it comes.
Something that really helped me was to forgive him. I don't think I will ever forgive his family but they don't really bother me, their not important to me, but I decided to forgive him which was a big step for me because I loved him so much and he hurt me. This helped me to get rid of all that anger and resentment that I was holding onto! All this extra baggage that was weighing me down whilst he happily skipped through life! I worked on myself, and tried to understand why I was so attached to this man. And yes it was love but it was also the idea of feeling like a failure, having low self esteem, self blame and not being able to accept and let go of the past. I was going around in circles to the point of insanity. I still do it sometimes but I can snap out of it a little quicker now. When I realised this i tried to stop analysing and tried to leave everything in Allah's hands.
This was difficult for me to do because I lost my Imaan. I had no faith. I just wanted Allah to bring my husband back to me and let things be ok. It made me angry that my marriage was ending. But I knew that was the shaitaan talking, making me feel helpless and suicidal. So with the help of my parents and my amazing friends who have always been there to guide me, I started to rebuild my faith - I started praying again to Allah, seeking guidance and asking him to soothe my heart. Alhamdulillah gradually those feelings of despair began to fade and I can't say that I'm happy but I no longer feel suicidal or depressed.
You are much stronger than you think you are. Focus on yourself, think only about yourself for the time being. Don't take on any other burdens. Surround yourself with family
And friends who love and care for you and allow them to help you heal. Pray to Allah and ask Him to ease your pain.
May Alllah swt give you tonnes of happiness and bring you to your light at the end of the tunnel ameen
Assalam alaikum Hopefulsis,
I hope you are well inn shaa Allah. How have you been doing?
Wa aleikuma Salam sister Saba,
Allhamdillah I have been doing good. Thank you for asking, it is very kind of you.
I kept a diary over the year and have read some of it from time to time. It helps me realise why the marriage was not good for me and that he was not right for me.
I've learned a lot. I still have days I burst into tears- rare days but they do occur. I accept the . I always feel that they are for me and remembering what I went through. It's has only been a year. The trauma of going through a bad relationship and divorce is emotionally draining. You feel empty- then you have to build yourself back up.
I can barely remember him, but I remember how I felt, what was said etc. I still talk about how I feel with my best friend. I feel I have come out of it stronger, wiser and happier Allhamdulillah. There are many things I would have done differently today and I would have been a more confident wife.
I'm looking forward meeting the right brother. Allhamdulillah so far no one has had an issue with me being a divorced woman. Career wise Ive had a really good year with lots of unexpected great surprises. I've are some new great friends, sisters who I've become close with.
I feel grateful that Allah swt took me through this experience and brought me out of it on the other side. Thank you for your advice and support.
Hugs