Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Parents won’t agree for me to marry who I want

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Love and Marriage

I am a 29 year old female. I want to marry someone who is a relative and islamically i am permitted to marry therefore same caste and everything else which can normally be seen as a problem to family. But my family won't agree to me marrying him. I have been in this situation for 6 years now and feel as if my life is being wasted just waiting. His family have asked for the rishta many times and my family have accused them of all kinds of things even that they done some kind of magic to possess power over my mind which is ridiculous the simple reason is that I want to marry this person and he wants to marry me from a young age as we are relatives it's something we thought would not be a problem as normally our families encourage us to marry within the family.

I have spoken to all members of my family but feel like we are just going round in circles ultimately mine and his life and youth are being wasted whilst my family continue to be stubborn. My family continue to blackmail me in order to change my mind. I just want my nikah done with this man whom I love so that I can live my life according to the sunah but my family are restricting my marriage for no real reason. I don't know what to do - I have spoken to respected people from the community but they are good friends with my father and feel as though they don't want to get involved?

Anonymous.


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19 Responses »

  1. Asalaamualaykum

    What are the reasons that your parents are basing their rejection on? If these reasons are not valid, and you have tried every avenue to convince your parents, including asking a good Imam to try and convince them - and all attempts fails. Ask your Imam to act as your Wali.

    But remember each case is different. I do not know the details of your parent's rejection, an Imam will ask for all these details before taking any sort or action.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • salaam

      good advice but i would add is if all the local imaams refuse due to close links then go to one further a feild

      • They say he's not good enough for me as if he was he would never have gotten into a relationship with me especially as he is a relative. They continue to ask me to give reasons as to why I want to marry him - to what extent as a girl do i need to answer this? as i have no answer as I don't have a an interest or motive other than i love him have waited 6 years to marry him and truly believe i can live a happy and halal life with this man. but this is not a good enough reason for my family they want to know what are the benefits to me they want me to tell them the pro and cons to marrying him. My answer is that I know he's a Muslim, prayers can support me and will keep me happy but that answer is not good enough for them they say they have the right to ask me reason why I want to marry him how much more of a reason am I obliged to give ?

        Please help! I am the person who posted the question

    • They say he's not good enough for me as if he was he would never have gotten into a relationship with me especially as he is a relative. They continue to ask me to give reasons as to why I want to marry him - to what extent as a girl do i need to answer this? as i have no answer as I don't have a an interest or motive other than i love him have waited 6 years to marry him and truly believe i can live a happy and halal life with this man. but this is not a good enough reason for my family they want to know what are the benefits to me they want me to tell them the pro and cons to marrying him. My answer is that I know he's a Muslim, prayers can support me and will keep me happy but that answer is not good enough for them they say they have the right to ask me reason why I want to marry him how much more of a reason am I obliged to give ?

      • Salam'alaykum,

        Your reasonings are baseless sister thats why your parents are denying him. Reasons such as "I love him", "I waited 6 yrs for him", " I believe I can lead a happy, halal life with him", "I know he is muslim" etc are not reasons but are desperate arguements/attempts in my view. You see, the thing is that, your parents deny him possibly because they seek 'compatibility' which is also an important factor when choosing a partner but your reasons are related to 'romantic notions' and probably for this very reason, your parents are denying him.

        Basically, these are the questions you should ponder upon, Is he religious ? Is his Islam similar to that of our Prophet and the sahabas ? Does he have good character/attitude/morals ? Is he virgin ? Is he a family oriented man ? Is he financially capable ? Etc

        If your answer to all the above questions are 'yes' especially with regards to his religious commitment and character, then reason your parents with it and inform that our Prophet said: " If a man whose religion and moral character are pleasing proposes to marry your daughter, then marry her off to him , otherwise there will be great mischief and corruption on earth. (Tirmidhi), and if they are still denying him, then it is still possible for you to marry that man by asking other male relatives of your family to be your wali and if they deny too, then an Imam can act as your wali. But know that, this will not lead to a happy ending as your whole family would look down on you. You'll be all alone by then :(.

        BUT do not ever deceive or fool yourself if the answers to the above questions are 'no' and you lie to your parents, especially with regards to religious commitment. As a religious man would fear Allah much, would obey Him to his level best and would give you your due rights and treat you with honour and respect as is the teachings of Islam. If that man is missing in deen and you 'love' him because he's handsome or rich or whatever, know that all those would come to an end (perish) by any means but only his faith will remain and thats why its extremely important to consider someone religious as a priority and then the rest follows.

        But it is interesting to know, why exactly are your parents denying him ? Are there any specific reason ?

        Pray salat al istikhara for Allah may guide you.

        • Salaam, thank you for a very detailed response the answer is yes to all the above questions you have asked me to reflect on. So as far as reasons are concerned how can I put this across to my parents? As there reasons are if he was a good man he wouldn't have put u in this situation and developed a relationship with you- I aknowledge this as does he and have said we want to make our relationship valid and one of a husband and wife so its up to u to stop this haram but they keep going in circles saying but what u doing is haraam if your parents are saying no then u should listen - but it's my life surely I should have the right to decide who I want to marry?

          • Alaykumsalam,

            Your parents said the truth no doubt and that is why pre-marital relationship is forbideen in Islam for many reasons and one of them is that it destroys family relationship. Now its the aftermath you'll have to face. As they say, 'as you sow, so shall you reap'.

            Furthermore, it is true that you have the right to decide whom you want to marry when your parents bring you choices or you receive proposals but you have no right to decide it through pre-marital relationship as it is haram and involves disobidience towards Allah Jalla Jalaluh as a result would not bring success and devoid of blessings.

            Therefore, I advise you to hasten to repent for being in a pre-marital relationship but repentance can't be done if you are still in contact with that man. So first make a decision to either marry him with/without your parents permission (which would most probably not lead to a happy ending ) OR leave this man once and for all and obey your parents, atleast your family ties would be intact which is very important than a non mahram according to Islam.

            Did you pray salat al istikhara, sister ? Allah's guidance is very important.

            You still haven't mentioned why your parents are denying him in these 6 years. Or atleast the first time his family came over.

  2. Well Is there a logical reason why they don't want ? Don't get married without the parents consent just tell them you won't marry anyone else as the person said or gave advice ask the imam or a family member who your parents would listen to but don't make a huge scene cause then your family will get upset. I can understand what your saying I went through it once but if the guy is really true and worth it and it does show since he waited six years just be patient sister and inshallah it will work out and your parents just want the best for you so there acting as the term goes" tough love" my parents are the same so totally understand, inshallah it will work out just be patient you waited six yrs so don't give up, everything written so inshallah your parents will come around!:)

  3. Salam Sister,
    This is a social issue that arises everywhere in Pak indo families and must be discouraged and your situation is worst as you waited for so many years and you and man both want to marry... this is simple and you should get married and you have to by any Means.....
    Try your hard to get him under wed-lock through any means otherwise Your Family will Never Accept your Proposal... It they are rejecting since 6 years...
    Allah Almighty and His Messenger(SAS) has Given the Authority to marriage with Mutual Consent under a Proper Marriage Contract with
    1)Free Consent of Female
    2)Free Consent of Male
    3)Presence of 2 Witnesses
    4)A Reasonable Amount of Mehar

    You Must Marry Him through any Means ANY Means... Don't See this Dunya and it's People, They Commit Oppression and say to Oppressed one that it is your Fate (Taqdeer) , so just Follow the Way of Islam not of Your Family Rules!

    Go for a Marriage Contract Through ANY MEANS.....

    Thanks.
    An Advice from a Sincere Brother in Islam
    May Allah Help You and He will InshAllah....

  4. Sister,

    Some time ago I met a beautiful woman whose parents were adamant that she marry within a certain group of people. Today, that very woman is 40 years old and alone. Now, her parents wish they had not behaved in the way that they did by setting limitations and building walls to only include suitors of a particular group of people. I believe at 29 years old you have every right to be happy. Make Istikhara on a marriage to this man and if you feel marriage to this man is a good thing for you, go for it.

    Salam

  5. Thank you so much for your replies please could you shed some light on my above question regarding how much more of a reason am I obliged to give to my family as to why I want to marry him other than what I have said to them above?

    • Sister,

      I think at 29 years of age you old enough to make some decisions regarding your life, your happiness and your well being. What exactly is it that your family want at this point? Is this man a good person, a good muslim and someone who will bring happiness into your life? If so, what is the problem? Would they rather marry you off to someone whom you do not wish to marry? Is it possible that they know of some things about this man that you do not?

      Salam

      • Thank u for your response sister. As I mentioned before he is a relative and my family don't get on with his. They are very backwards in their thinking as my father wanted me to marry his nephew as I refused this he does not accept for me to marry this man. He is saying you can marry anyone but him. All the accusations that they make about his character and him are all false. Now they want me to give reasons as to why I want to marry him what benefits will it bring me. They just keep going round in circles but not resolving anything. I am very lost as I love my parents dearly but they are putting me in a very difficult situation. My brothers are saying I am making my parents ill by going against their wishes and I just don't know what to do. They also say he is not a good man as if he was he wouldn't have developed a relationship with you. But I've said to them its up to them to make our relationship jahiz by doing our nikah. What shall I do?

  6. Salaams anybody there? Plz reply ?

    • Salam'alaykum,
      Your reasonings are baseless sister thats why your parents are denying him. Reasons such as "I love him", "I waited 6 yrs for him"," I believe I can lead a happy, halal life with him", "I know he is muslim" etc are not reasons but are desperate arguements/attempts in my view. You see, the thing is that, your parents deny him possibly because they seek 'compatibility' which is also an important factor when choosing a partner but your reasons are related to 'romantic notions' and probably for this very reason, your parents are denying him.

      Basically, these are the questions you should ponder upon, Is he religious ? Is his Islam similar to that of our Prophet and the sahabas ? Does he have good character/attitude/morals ? Is he virgin ? Is he a family oriented man ? Is he financially capable ? Etc
      If your answer to all the above questions are 'yes' especially with regards to his religious commitment and character, then reason your parents with it and inform that our Prophet said: " If a man whose religion andmoral character are pleasing proposes to marry your daughter, then marry her off to him , otherwise there will be great mischief and corruption on earth. (Tirmidhi), and if they are still denying him, then it is still possible for you to marry that man by asking other male relatives of your family to be your wali and if they deny too, then an Imam can act as your wali. But knowthat, this will not lead to a happy ending as your whole family would look down on you. You'll be all alone by then :( .

      BUT do not ever deceive or fool yourself if the answers to the above questions are 'no' and you lie to your parents, especially with regards to religious commitment. As a religious man would fear Allah much, would obey Him to his level best and would give you your due rights and treat you with honour and respect as is the teachings of Islam. If that man is missing in deen and you'love' him because he's handsome or rich or whatever, know that all those would come to an end (perish) by any means but only his faith will remain and thats why its extremely important to consider someone religious as a priority and then the rest follows.

      But it is interesting to know, why exactly are your parents denying him ? Are there any specific reason ?

      Pray salat al istikhara for Allah may guide you.

    • Assalaamualaikam sister

      If this man has strength of deen and character, and there is no Islamic reason for refusal, you are within your rights to marry. Family feuds can be bitter and destructive, but rifts can be healed, and it may be worth trying to get people from both sides to sit down together and find common ground.

      When you say that you have been wanting to marry him for 6 years, I sincerely hope that you have both observed Islamic guidance on appropriate interactions and avoided haraam activities. If this is not the case, I would urge you to stop further inappropriate contact and make tawbah. You should not be in a pre-marital relationship and then say it is up to somebody else to make your relationship halal. Each of us is individually responsible for our own actions.

      One of the questions you say your parents has been asking stands out to me - what benefits will marriage to this man bring? This stands out, because you haven't really answered it yet. Think about the qualities of a good Muslim man, husband and father - does this man have these? Will he be supportive of you in matters of faith and in daily life? Does he have the physical, mental and emotional resources to be a good father and a good family head? Do you share beliefs and opinions on topics that are important to you? Does he inspire you and others to be more than you already are, and to increase your love of Allah? These are important things to consider, and saying that you are in love is not a sufficient response to them. If you are able to describe how marriage to this man would be a positive thing, and give examples to support what you say, there is a greater likelihood of your parents taking it seriously.

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

      • Thank you for your advice.
        Your guidance has helped me to answer my families questions as when you are speaking to a group of people who are against or opposing your opinion and path then it becomes difficult to explain in a modest manner as my family is all male who are very determined that they know best which is fair enough - now that you have advised me to speak to them in a way where I can describe his qualities and benefits as a partner it gives me more strength and ground to stand on - as far as they are concerned he had betrayed them and should not have developed a relationship - but over the six years his family have repeatedly asked for my hand in marriage only to be refused and ridiculed -

  7. I have spoken to family they have said they need time to think and convince my father. Please pray for me that things are sorted and my nikah takes place with this man whom I've waited for for over 6 years soon. As I just want to live my life according to the sunah as his wife and move on

    Thank you for your time and kind comments may Allah (swt) reward you all

    Anonymous

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