Polygyny problems
Salam alaykum wr wb
I am married to a revert Muslim who has taken more than 1 wife and I knew this before I agreed to marry him. However one if the reasons I married him was also because I found him to have good knowledge of the Deen and he knew I wished for a husband with whom I could increase my iman and where we could encourage each other to continue to gain knowledge in the Deen and share our journey to gaining Jannah insha'Allah. On top of this he was (and still is) a good man ma sha Allah and patient and softly spoken. But I have always known that he likes to have more than one wife and he admitted from the beginning he may at certain points in our marriage take another wife where he can. I have/had no issue with this.
The problem began when he changed our agreed arrangement of how often I saw him in order to be fair among his current wives. However recently he began to consistently remain away 1 or 2 days over our arrangement yet he maintains he still has 3 wives. After much discussion (alhamdulillah I do not like to argue or speak disrespectfully to anyone especially family and spouse so my approach has been to appeal to his consideration of me as his wife) he finally told me that although at the start of our marriage he had said many things about how our relationship would be, he only really changed our arrangement and said it was to be more fair between the wives because in actual fact he was wanting to go back to his old routine from before we met which was that he saw his 2 wives (as it was back then) on no given schedule as they had both relinquished their rights to a fixed arrangement in order to continue to remain married to him. I was aware of how this arrangement stood and at the time our own arrangement was agreed as me moving in with him and living full time with him whilst he continued to see his other wives now and again. As I mentioned this lasted for a month or two before he decided he needed to be fair between us with which I agreed. And then for some time the arrangemt remained as 1 night each respectively.
More recently he has started to stay out on additional nights sometimes giving me a reason sometimes with no explanation at all. And now he has revealed that he does not wish to make the arrangements so accurate and just told me he was being fair to try to remove from my mind our very first arrangement and the priority he showed towards me over them.
My only concern now is that to me it seems he is basically saying he wishes to do as he pleases with no thought to being fair amongst us. He is someone who follows his own wishes and desires, and does not bother about others but he had initially impressed upon me that he wanted to settle down now and leave behind his old ways of being a loner despite his multiple marriages. I in fact would encourage him to show patience and more justice towards the co wives and was pleased that he changed our arrangement despite my losing out to some degree. Now he says that when a man marries just one it also comes with conditions and not every man fulfills those so what difference is there between he and any other man in a monogamous marriage if he is not fulfilling the rights of us as it pertains to equal nights.
He does not tell me where he is on the additional nights and is becoming more aloof on the topic but my fear is he going towards haram and when I question him on whether he realises what he is accumulating for his account by not giving me my rights when I'm asking for them (I don't know what the other sisters wishes are as he has kept us separate) he shows no remorse or fear of Allah and says he never claimed to be very religious he is just an average Muslim. I fear for his akhirah and am saddened by his weakness towards following his lust or desires and not having the will to better himself.
He is not a bad person he has just led a life of womanising when he was in jahiliya and then marrying and divorcing for various reasons ( usually because the wives would find his lifestyle unattractive once they were over the honeymoon period) when he became Muslim. When I met him he was upfront about it all his past his present and his desires and also the wish to settle now after 8 years as a Muslim trying to find his way.
But today he tells me all that no longer applies and although at the time he thought that what he wanted he very quickly changed back to being happy in his old routine of seeing his wives when he felt like it and spending most of his time at work or on his own He is an introvert and can easily spend a whole evening and night without saying a word to anyone but just be in their company. This is his preference.
I now don't know what to think. I have no children to occupy me, I work and wished for a spouse who I could look to for emotional support at the end if the day ( or at least on the days I knew were mine) but now it feels that as he wishes to turn up as and when HE wants to I have no one to rely on or turn to or know that my spouse is also concerned with my needs not only his own I don't know what to do I don't wish to be so alone but do not wish to leave him either as I care for him and want only good for him and for him to be protected from shaytan.
I have tried to encourage him to learn duas and ayat from Qur'an for control and for protection but due to us rarely seeing each other it is difficult to follow up things with him as I don't wish to come across as pushy or nagging on the occasion when he IS with me. I am hurt by his aloofness and his U-turn but if I leave him I have no one left in this dunya.
I am trying to place my tawwakul in Allah and deepen my belief in the Qadr of Allah but it is very lonely and seems to just become more difficult to cope alone. I just wanted another muslim's thoughts on this as I have no one I can share my burden with.
fmcfmc
JazakAllah Khayrun
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What a pile of nonsense. He surely does not know better than Allah.
Here, I'll provide some quotes from the Quran, ahadith and fatawaa.
"«فَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ أَلَّا تَعْدِلُوا فَوَاحِدَةً» [النساء: 3]
If you fear that you will not mete out justice (between your wives) then you should (remain with only) one wife… [Surah al-Nisāʾ; V. 3]"
“Whoever has two wives and treated one of them better than the other will come in the Hereafter with his body twisted to one side” [Musnad Ahmad, Sunan Abî Dâwûd, and Sunan al-Nasa’î]
“He who has two wives and does not treat them equally and justly will come on the day of judgment in such a state wherein one side of his of body will be paralyzed”. ( Mishkaat, Vol.2. Pg. 278 )
"“but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one”
[al-Nisa’ 4:3]
This aayah is indicates that just treatment is a condition for plural marriage to be permitted. If a man is afraid that he will not be able to treat his wives justly if he marries more than one, then it is forbidden for him to marry more than one. What is meant by the justice that is required in order for a man to be permitted to have more than one wife is that he should treat his wives equally in terms of spending, clothing, spending the night with them and other material things that are under his control. "- http://islamqa.info/en/14022
"If the husband cannot maintain two wives, he should not take another wife." - http://www.askimam.org/public/question_detail/16136
"In principal it is permissible for a man to have four wives at once, However if one has two wives he must treat both justly. Allah Ta’ala says in the holy Quran; “Marry women of your choice two two, three three, or four four, but if you fear that you will not be able to deal justly (with them) then (take) only one. (04:03)
Hereunder are some rules regarding justice in a polygamous marriage.
a. Whatever wealth, jewellery, clothes etc. the husband gives to one wife the other is also entitled to that or equal to that in value.
b. Equality in nights: In a situation of two wives, he will have to spend alternate nights with each wife. It is also compulsory to give each wife equal time at night. If he goes by one at 7:00pm the other deserves the same." - http://askimam.org/public/question_detail/16219
"Therefore, if a man is not in a position to maintain two separate households, while providing each wife with all of her needs and customary amenities, then he should not consider marrying a second wife. " - http://en.islamtoday.net/node/1699
Take only one wife if you can't give equal time (Page 250, http://www.abc.se/home/m9783/ir/d/gh_e.pdf)
Allah says that if you cannot be just then marry only one wife.
The Prophet warns us about the punishment of half paralysis for men who commit injustice between two wives, not for men who commit injustice to one wife.
So how can your husband say otherwise?
http://en.islamtoday.net/node/1622
I have two wives, each living in her own, separate home, and I try to divide my time between them equally. However, problems arise because one of my wives does not like to receive guests, entertain my relatives, or have my children from my other wife come to her house. I therefore experience the following difficulties:
1. My relatives and guests often go to one home on the day allotted for me to be at the other. Therefore, I have to go to that home to entertain them as is their right upon me.
2. My children attend school and often need me to help them with their school work. I often have to go to the other wife’s house to attend to my children’s needs. I am not going there to spend time with the other wife.
3. My parents live with me and they stay for long periods of time at one house or the other. In truth, they probably spend more time at one of my two homes. This means that for me to visit with them and attend to their needs, I have to spend time at one wife’s house on the day allotted to the other wife.
In doing these things, am I being unjust in my division of time between my two wives?
Answered by
Sheikh Nâyif al-Hamad, presiding judge at Rimâh District Court
Scholars of Islamic Law have made clear statements that it is forbidden for a man to enter upon his wife on the night that is not hers except out of absolute necessity. During the day, he may not go to her except if there is at least some legitimate need. (The ruling is reversed for a man who works nights and is home during the day.) If he lingers at her home or has intercourse with her, he must make up that time with the other wife.
If you go to the home of the other wife for the purpose of receiving guests and the circumstances are such that you have to do so, then this is permitted. Likewise, it is permissible for you to go to that house for the purpose of visiting with your parents, since this is part of your duty to honor them and to show them kindness.
It is also permissible for you to go to the other wife’s home to attend to your children’s school work if the wife whose night it is does not wish to have them to come to her home for studying and your assisting them on every second day is insufficient for their needs. This, however, requires the wife’s consent.
All of this is permissible as long as you are not using these things as an excuse to get away from one wife and spend more time with the other. Such matters take the ruling of the objective behind them. Some husbands regretfully make up all sorts of excuses to spend more time with one wife at the expense of the other. Whoever does these things with such an unlawful intention will be legally liable to make up the time missed with the other wife.
Otherwise, what is required of you is – after taking care of your duties to your guests, your parents, or your children – is to return to the wife whose night it is and spend that night with her. However, if for some reason you are unable to get back to her and spend that night with her, then you will be liable to make it up to her, because she has been denied the right to which she is entitled.
Wa Aleikum assalam wr wb, actually this is terrifying to me. In a few months I will become a co-wife (asked by a dear sister of Islam of mine and her husband) and we will all live in the same home (different rooms), mainly so we both equally see him daily and have one another to speak to and help one another . (Me and her discussed it and we chose to live in the same home to make sure we don't miss any time, help one another with daily chores and children, as well as preserve living expenses ) But I read such stories and something that is suppose to be beautiful becomes alarming. Especially, as all 3 of us are reverts to Islam... And practicing alhamdulillah. But I don't know how to respond to such acts of your husband sis... But I pray that Allah (swt) helps you in your situation and gives you strength and patience Aameen ya Rabb . And I'm sorry that this is happening to you sis. But keep trust in Allah and He will make a way for you from this difficulty .
I can't imagine how you feel, and hope that this issue passes with the best out come for all. It's very hard to give an advice about this since many people can't relate.As I try to put my self in your shoes, it seems to me that the main issue is that a promise was reneged. It seems as though , there was an agreement from the beginning, you both agreed to it, but your husband didn't keep his end of the deal.
You should talk to him about the way you feel about this and how lonely you are; exactly what you wrote on here.
If he changes , great. If he doesn't , then you have to either accept the situation for what it is or walk a way if you absolutely think it's unfair and you can't deal with.
Walaikum Assalam Sisters,
I am compelled to write quickly since I saw the sisters post. InshaAllah I have much more to write but since I only have 5 mins to suhoor, it may be awhile before I am able to.
Please don't be discouraged about being a co wife. I am a second wife. It has it complexities but with patience and understanding, the benefits and rewards are great.
InshaAllah I will write more soon, but those sisters reading this, know that it DOES work and wives can and do happily get along and there are responsible husbands who do take having multiple wives as a blessing and give it its due respect.
JazakAllhu Khair, InshaAllah you will hear from me again soon. Ramadan Mubarak!
Salam,
Jennifer
Are you a revert?
Its usually reverts who fall for the sort of nonsense you've just typed.
Most polygamist men amongst born Muslim men do not fulfill their wives' rights or uphold justice. I know this as I was nearly in such a family several times.
Answered by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Question: Can a husband marry a second wife without his first wife’s permission?
Answer: Walaikum assalam wa rahmatullah,
The fatwa of major Arab and Indo-Pak scholars is that it is generally wrong and unwise in our times to marry a second wife, without consulting wise and knowledgeable scholars (even though it is in itself permitted), because of the harm and mess that inevitably results:
a) the harm to the first wife;
b) the troubles with the second wife when the first is upset;
c) the harm of not giving both their legal, emotional, and material rights;
d) the harm to family relations;
e) and, also vitally, the harm to one’s children…
Marrying another woman is not just a question of providing for both…
Faraz Rabbani
Wassalam
http://seekersguidance.org/ans-blog/2011/01/26/can-a-husband-marry-a-second-wife-without-his-first-wifes-permission/
Question: Why do some scholars say that polygamy is the exception and that the rule is one wife and other scholars say that the rule is up to four wives where polygamy is not necessarily an exception? Which one is it?
Answer:
The Ideal is one wife and the permission to marry more than one is a an exception as can be inferred from the following verse:
Allah says, " And if you have reason to fear that you might not act equitably towards orphans, then marry from among [other] women such as are lawful to you - [even] two, or three, or four: but if you have reason to fear that you might not be able to treat them with equal fairness, then [only] one - or [from among] those whom you rightfully possess. This will make it more likely that you will not deviate from the right course." (Qur'an: 4:3)
Thus if there is a reasonable ground to suspect that he may not be able to do justice, then he is allowed to marry only one. It does not take much imagination to see that the stressful living conditions in the modern industrialized societies are not conducive to a plurality of wives; it is a fact that the vast majority of men are struggling even with one wife and children as they are unable to find enough time to give them the necessary, emotional and spiritual care that is essential for their development as responsible Muslims. In other words, life in the modern world has become so fast paced that it is next to impossible to do justice. This is why most scholars insist that we should keep to the ideal.
Moreover, we are also bound by the terms of our marriage contracts. In a milieu like ours where monogamy is the norm, one needs to get the permission of his first wife to marry another; for she had married him with the tacit understanding that she would be the only wife he will be having. So unless such an option had already been stipulated in the contract, he is not justified in marrying a second wife without her permission.
http://askthescholar.com/question-details.aspx?qstID=2567
Sallam alaykum
"Are you a revert?"
MashaAllah what an aproach.(ironic) So shaykh tell me what the wrongs are in what she has written?
Only reverts and foolish women fall for this sort of belief that there are men practising polygyny properly and that polygyny is bringing benefits to families in this day and age.
Whereas most other Muslims know that this is not the case in the vast majority of polygamous marriages. Even the scholars say so.
''.....it is important that we all heed the words of our scholars pertaining to the issue of polygamy in our current age.
From Shaykh Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari:
“It is one of the foremost requirements from a man who has more than one wife to treat all his wives equally and justly. There are grave warnings mentioned in the Qur’an and Sunnah for oppressing, mistreating or not being fair with the wives. The Qur’an conditioned the permissibility of marrying more than one wife with justice and fair treatment".
Allah Most High says:
("And if you fear that you cannot act equitably towards orphans, then marry such women as seem good to you, two and three and four; but if you fear that you will not do justice (between them), then (marry) only one or what your right hands possess; this is more proper, that you may not deviate from the right course…") (An-Nisa 4: 3).
It is a grave sin to treat the wives unequally. Any man who wishes to take a second wife also has to meet the important condition of fair treatment of all his wives. The verse quoted above includes the command to treat wives equally, and anyone who is unable to do so should marry only one wife.
Sayyiduna Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said: “A man who has two wives and he does not deal justly with them will be resurrected on the Day of Judgment with half his body paralyzed.” (Tirmidhi #1141)
Equal treatment includes all social, economical and physical needs. It is very difficult for human beings to be completely fair, a fact which is recognized by the Qur’an:
("And you have it not in your power to do justice between wives, even though you may wish (it), but be not disinclined (from one) with total disinclination, so that you leave her as it were in suspense; and if you effect a reconciliation and guard (against evil), then surely Allah is Forgiving, Merciful…")(An-Nisa 4:129).
Marrying more than one wife is, in principle, without doubt permissible in Islam, but the conditions for doing so are really strict and they are almost impossible to fulfill, especially in our times.
The Qur’an and Sunnah have laid down certain strict conditions for practicing polygamy, such as equal treatment of the wives in all aspects, being financially in a position to provide equally for both, spending equal time, etc. These are just some conditions that are more easily said than done. Just ask those who have opted to marry more than once, how difficult it is to maintain more than one wife.
Thus, many major scholars have advised not to marry more than one wife for the sake of it unless there is a genuine and pressing need, such as the husband being sure of falling into adultery (and not just merely wanting to fulfill his desires).”
This is a very serious issue that must be considered, for it involves the welfare and future welfare of many people including loved ones and potentially children.''
http://www.onislam.net/english/ask-the-counselor/second-wife/164237.html
And here is a fatwa from IslamWeb with daleel saying that according to many classical scholars it is generally speaking sunnah and better to be limited to just one wife.
http://www.islamweb.net/emainpage/index.php?page=showfatwa&Option=FatwaId&Id=257272
Some quotes:
Ash-Shirbeeni from the Shaafi’i School of jurisprudence, said in Mughni Al-Muhtaaj: “It is a Sunnah not to marry more than one wife if there is no apparent need.” [End of quote]
Moreover, Al-Maawardi, from the Shaafi’i School of jurisprudence, said: “Allaah has permitted a man to marry up to four wives, saying: {…two or three or four…}, but Allaah advised that it is desirable for man to marry only one wife, saying: {...But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one} Ibn Daawood and a group who follow the methodology of Ath-Thaahir (sticking to the apparent meaning of texts while denying the validity of analogical reasoning) are of the opinion that it is better to marry four wives if the person is able to fulfill their needs and he should not restrict himself to marrying only one wife, as the Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ) did not restrict himself to marrying only one. However, Ash-Shaafi’i is of the view that it is desirable to confine oneself to marrying only one although it is permissible for him to marry more than one. This is to avoid being unfair by being more inclined to some of them than others, or being unable to financially support them. The more preponderant opinion in my view is that this depends on the condition of the husband; if he is satisfied with only one, then it is more appropriate for him not to marry a second wife, and if he is not satisfied with only one wife because he has a strong desire and an excessive need to have sexual intercourse so often, then he may marry as many as will satisfy him, be it two, three or four, in order that he lower his gaze and protect his private parts from unlawful sexual intercourse.” [Al-Haawi]
Furthermore, Ibn Qudaamah may Allaah have mercy upon him from the Hanbali School of jurisprudence, said in Ash-Sharh Al-Kabeer: “It is more appropriate to marry only one wife. The author of Al-Muharrar [i.e. Abul Barakaat Al-Majd ibn Taymiyyah] said this, based on the saying of Allaah (which means) {...But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one}.” [End of quote from Ash-Sharh Al-Kabeer authored by Shams-ud-deen Ibn Qudaamah]
Finally, Shaykh Ibn Uthaymeen may Allaah have mercy upon him said: “It is safer to restrict oneself to only one wife. However, if one sees that one wife is not enough for him and he cannot maintain his chastity by having only one wife, then we enjoin him to marry a second, a third, or a fourth, until he feels comfortable, lowers his gaze, and enjoys peace of mind.” [Excerpt from Ash-Sharh Al-Mumti’]
Are you talking about Sunnah here??
The Sunnah is to have more wives than one.
Salam
Quadeer, please register and submit your question as a separate post, and we will answer you in turn, Insha'Allah. And please give us more details about the situation, for example the circumstances related to your second marriage.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalam alaikum Sister,
I believe that you should pray Isthikhara and seek guidance from Allah swt. You may also want to speak to a Shaikh regarding your matter.
I will offer my opinion, but please pay most attention to what I wrote above.
I believe marriage for a woman means that your husband has accepted responsibility for taking care of financially (which previously would have been your father or brother's responsibility) as well as emotionally. From what you have written, you are not emotionally fulfilled and lack security in your marriage. I believe these are vital for a woman in a marriage for her happiness. You may choose to be patient and continue, but it doesn't seem like he will change--as I said before, please pray Isthikhara and speak to a Shaikh.
May Allah ease your difficulties, Ameen.
OP: You say your husband was a womanizer before he converted to Islam. I don't see much difference now he can do the same thing he was doing before using religion.
In US I happen to know many Pakistani and Afghani families. None of the husband in those families have more then one wife.