Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Prayer for a lost love

lost love %photo

Salaams everyone. I am in my late 30's.  I prayed for a nice husband for many years.  I am a working professional and I have tried to live a good life.  I never had much success with traditional "proposals".  About a year ago I met a wonderful man who had a muslim background but he himself was not muslim.  We fell in love.  I truly believe he was a miracle in my life.  Unfortunately, instead of trying to slowly bring him to Islam, I abruptly told him to convert otherwise it was over.  He was very hurt and we separated without trying to bridge our differences.

Over the following 2-3 months, i realized how much i loved this man and how precious he was to me.  He had always treated me very kindly and respected me for being a muslim.  I knew he loved me.  So, I contacted him again.  Unfortunately, he had moved on and was now with a new woman.  Needless to say, I was devastated, and I remain devastated.

After all these years, I am almost 40, I found someone to love and who loved me in return, and I lost him!  It has been a month since we last spoke.  I have prayed and prayed to Allah SWT that He return him to me, that He plants the seed of doubt in his mind and he wishes to return to me.

I wake up for tahajjud, read sura yasin, daroodsharif, etc.  I now realize that I must move on, otherwise I won't heal from this emotional turmoil.  But even moving on is difficult.  I have prayed and prayed to Allah SWT that he remove the love from my heart so I can forget about him.  Yet,  remain I wounded and emotionally stuck.  Today,  I said this to myself: that Allah SWT will bring this man when and if the time is right.  When and if the time is right, this man will ponder over the good that was between us and will consider what I can bring to his life.

I am a nice, honest, caring woman, with a beautiful heart; my beloved knew that.  If Allah SWT wills it, then this man will ponder over this, and when and if that happens, Allah will bring us together Insha'Allah.  When and if Allah SWT brings us together, it will be for the best.  If Allah SWT does not bring us together, then it will also be for the best.

Do you think this is a good attitude and a good prayer?

I know a lot of women post on here about their desperate love affairs.  I am not a young woman.  I am 39; I've lived life a little, and love has come to me late in life, in a very beautiful form, but in a way that did not have a positive outcome.

Please, respond to me kindly! I spent many years focused on my career and on my parents, and missed out on the opportunity to be loved and to have a family of my own.  I am heartbroken but I am searching for a way to heal, with Allah's help.

- Precious Star


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102 Responses »

  1. Dear Sister,
    Do have faith in Allah.
    He does everything for the best. So don't lose faith in him.
    I f you have enough faith, Allah will be sufficient for you.

  2. Dear Precious Star, Asalaamualaykum,

    I do love this picture. Its beautiful and speaks so much. Anyhow, I know you submitted this question sometime ago and since then, you have already asked your question on other threads on this site and so it has already been answered. From your previous comments, I do not feel that you have found an answer that has given you any satisfaction or peace to help you move on.

    You said that you want to pray for this man to come back into your life and you also asked us if this is a good attitude and a good prayer? I have already made my feelings known on this; you can only pray for something that is halaal. Allah has not permitted you as a Muslim woman to marry a non-muslim, so I do not understand what you are expecting by asking Allah to bring him back into your life. Instead ask Allah to replace your loss with something better. It may be that this man will accept Islam and then come back into your life, or that Allah will give you another man who you find love with, or something else.

    In this post and in many of your previous comments, you talk about your age, saying that because of your age (being 39 years old), you are in a different situation to others. I know it is difficult Sister, but Allah will and can send you blessings and a loving partner at any age and before you say that I do not understand how you feel, I want to mention that I am only a few years younger than yourself. Painful as it is to lose someone you love, all one can do is sabr and try not to lose focus of your purpose in life. Do what you can, but keep it within the folds of Islam. Yes, that may not heal your broken heart and take away your pain, but it will help you to carry on in life.

    At the same time, its not healthy to just wait for a situation that is beyond your control to return or to change. So I will encourage you to take some practical steps towards meeting some good muslim men through marriage bureaus, friends and family. The first step is for you to change your mind set. You need to let go of your past as it is stopping you from moving forward. I think the best way for you to try and let go of your past is by reminding yourself that your ex (as lovely as he was), was not Muslim and so he was not a halal option for you to marry anyway and as a Muslim you do not want to displease Allah. Try to please Allah in everything you do and it will make even your pain turn from a sour bitterness to a strange sort of sweetness.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • I have prayed that he comes back and we have a discussion about Islam in more detail with the goal that he eventually accepts Islam. I did not take that "discussion" approach before.

      I have no intention or desire to ask Allah for something that is haraam. My faith and connection to God is very important to me.

      It is interesting, reading your response and other responses I have had to my predicament. Everyone has said: "ask your family and family's friends; try online matchmaking; speak to an imam; have sabr; there is a husband waiting for you in the hereafter."

      The old "ask your family and friends" has not worked. That is why I am 40 and unmarried. The "auntie network" is unhelpful. That is why, at this stage, I do not feel that it is useful, practical or helpful to rely on a method that has not worked for me, or for the many many other women over age 35 in my community. My parents friends have not referred any men to me or to my parents. I can sit here and rely on that method until the day I die, and "the network" will not refer a man to me. Yes dua can create miracles, but the reality is miracles do not happen very often.

      Sabr/patience is a virtue. However, it does not get us a husband. After relying on the "family and friends network" route as well as online matchmaking, I became increasingly uncomfortable as my 30s wizzed by, because I realized that our elders were forcing us young women to essentially rely on methods that worked in traditional muslim communities but that historically have not worked amongst 2nd generation Canadians. As muslims, we seem to believe that because we are muslims and because we do dua, our chances of getting married and having children are far better than women in the general population. All we need is sabr and dua, and abracadabra a good husband will surface. That is so misleading to women who have been born and raised in North America. I relied on that formula for years because it was ingrained in me by the muslim community. I now realize that it does not work. I think the commentators have posted here many times that prayer is not a magic spell that will force God to return a beloved to us; in the same way, prayer is not a magic spell that will bring a husband down from the sky. That is why the number of unmarried muslim women over the age of 35 far exceeds the number of unmarried women over age 35 in the general nonmuslim population -- I've done the research, it is a common phenomenon amongst the children of muslim immigrants, because they are searching for spouses within a very narrow and specific pool, and that pool simply does not exist.

      I cannot rely on family, friends and the internet. Those methods have not worked for me, at all. I appreciate the suggestion, I really do, but those methods are completely unreliable.

      I tried to go outside the norm. I met someone who was wonderful in every way, and I thought God would make it possible for us to be together. He had a muslim name, and many muslim family members. I just thought it was possible, especially since my family and the muslim community had failed me, and I wanted a husband in THIS LIFE, not the hereafter. I wanted children, in THIS LIFE, not the hereafter. But it was not to be. And to this day, despite being quite vocal about my dissatisfaction with what has transpired, not one person has suggested a method by which to meet a muslim; everyone says "have patience, there is a good husband waiting for you in paradise." That is wonderful, it really is, but am I now supposed to be a martyr and wish for death so that I can actualize my potential as a wife and mother? No one, NO ONE, would ever say that to a man. In my community, 2nd generation muslim men marry non muslim women all the time, and the elders accept it and heartily celebrate at these weddings.

      Hence my frustration.

      • Sister, I can see that you are frustrated and I understand your feelings. The traditional methods do not often work, but what can I or anyone else suggest to you that has not been suggested already.

        I also understand your frustrations when you say that some muslim men in our families get away with marrying women who are neither muslim or of The Book, yet they are accepted. But, if some men are doing this and getting away with it, this does not justify their actions. Nor does it mean, that it should be ok for a muslim woman to do the same thing. Instead, those men are at loss more than you because they are disobeying Allah.

        If you have tried every halal way possible and still nothing is coming your way, then all I can say is that Allah knows best and He is the Greatest of Planners. Frustrating as it is, we cannot force a situation to occur, we can only try as nothing happens without the Will of Allah. Believing in this and in knowing that our sabr will be rewarded highly in the hereafter should give us some solace in this life. Unfortunately we do not always have 'happily ever after' endings because this is life, 'the test', its not a utopian world.

        I know you are angry at life and you feel you didnt deserve this. But I can either advise you to go to a park and scream your lungs out (and I was considering doing that myself this morning as something is bothering me, haha, yes seriously I was, but I decided against it as my senses kicked back in and I realised that would be highly embarrasing). Or I can advise you to do the more dignified thing, which is to remain calm and get on with life. Hard as it is, something will give way soon, whether it be in the form of a husband, a child, or something completely different. And if it doesnt, that is the Will of Allah. Every tear that falls from your eye, every thorn that pricks you, everytime your heart sighs with heaviness, it will be compensated for in the hereafter.

        I imagine you maybe wanting to throttle me as I still have not given you a solution. But this is the best advice I can give you. As a Muslim, its the only answer I have, not having my faith would drive me up the wall, back down and around the bend to eternal madness. So Ya Allah, I am so grateful to you that you have given me my Islam and I ask you to never take it away from me, it is the most valuable thing I have.

        And my dear sister, for you I shall make hearty hearty sincere prayers.

        SisterZ
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor
        x

        • I know. my frustrations weren't directed at you, SisterZ. I am angry and heartbroken. While i still have my faith, I do believe that Islam does not have the infrastructure that encourages women to get married, UNLESS youl live in a muslim country where your chances are better. Our parents chose to come here and start families. I am the victim of that. In that sense, Islam has failed me. Like you suggested, there is no way "out", my options are closed, because I am muslim. What is heartbreaking is that I found someone who was like me in many ways, but I had to push him away because of Islam, even knowing that the muslim communities, muslim parents and friends, would not (and have never) lift a finger to help me find a muslim husband in this vast country of non muslims.

          I appreciate your advice and prayers.

          • Dear Precious Star,

            I know your comments were not directed towards me and I know you are just frustrated. But I do think that the way you are perceiving certain things is causing barriers in your life. On the one hand you say that your faith and connection with Allah is very important to you. But then on the other hand, you have said things which suggest that there are flaws in Allah's guidance. You said:

            1. "I am the victim of that. In that sense, Islam has failed me".

            2. "Like you suggested, there is no way "out", my options are closed, because I am muslim"

            3. "What is heartbreaking is that I found someone who was like me in many ways, but I had to push him away because of Islam"

            4. "I do believe that Islam does not have the infrastructure that encourages women to get married, UNLESS youl live in a muslim country where your chances are better"

            Sister, I want to address each of your statements separately.

            1. Islam does not fail anyone, but the people who are not practising Islam properly can fail us. Or we can fail ourselves because we close our own doors but keep blaming other people.

            2. Our options are never closed because we are Muslim. In fact Islam gives us options which our cultures and our desires limit us to. It is us who creates the limits and barriers. For example, Islam permits us Muslim women to marry any man, as long as he is Muslim, regardless of age, colour, culture, nationality, income, bank balance, height, appearance, etc. Now if Islam give so many options, why does it limit us to marrying only 'Muslim men'? Because everything has a limit to it for our betterment and the wisdom behind this ruling is not beyond our understanding. Our goal in life as Muslims should be to serve Allah alone, so that means obeying Allah's Laws and doing whatever takes us closer to Him. By marrying a non-Muslim man, you are risking losing your Islamic identity and Islamic identity of your children. If one's goal in life is to get married, then of course you can say that 'religion' is limiting your choice and I would understand that. But if you are consciously Muslim, then you know that your goal in life is not to get married, it is to please Allah and marriage is just part of your life, as is education, eating, working, sleeping; and there are Islamic etiquettes to how you do this things - for your betterment.

            3. You pushed your man away because of Islam. Right now, it seems that you would rather have pushed your Islam away because of this man. Anything that takes us out of the folds of Islam is a form of Shirk.

            4. Again, Islam is not to blame for there being no infrastructure for spouse searching. Either there is a flaw in the way we think as individuals or our communities are not doing enough. And in some cases, no one is to blame. It is just Qaqr.

            ***

            Sister, if you give up something or someone for the sake of Allah, then this is a sacrifice and Allah will reward you at some point, be it in this life or the next. One of the sisters wrote a very good comment on this site a few days ago about what we should look for in a spouse. I will try to find that for you as I think it will be very useful for you inshaAllah. I hope I have not offended you sister but have helped you see things in a healthier perspective.

            SisterZ
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • ^^ Good response Sister Z. I was about to write a very similar response.

            Whether Sister Precious Star understands it or not, she has actually made some very dangerous statements. Even extreme frustration does not justify making these kind of statements, because showing slightest possible disdain towards the Deen of Allah, or His Messenger can actually put someone outside the fold of Islam. Failure in this world is not a failure at all. At the same time success in this world is also not success at all. Allah has made it very clear in the Quran who are the true winners and who are the true losers. He said:

            And whoever desires a way of life other than the Submission (to the Commands of Allah), it shall not be taken from him with approval, and in the hereafter he shall be one of the losers. [3:85]

            What is submission to Lord means? It is a huge concept. But to put it simply, if a slave truly submits to His Lord, he can only beg from his Lord; the slave cannot demand anything from his Lord. Because demanding goes against the spirit of submission. Also demanding is a sign of arrogance before Lord. Unfortunately, we Muslims, it includes me even, falls way too short in our submission to Allah now a days. We pretend that we submit, but only Allah knows the state of our heart. For example, we all say that we except the divine decree of Allah. Yet when we make effort for something, we subconsciously remain pretty sure that the outcome we desire will indeed be the outcome. When that outcome does not come, we react in two ways: we either become frustrated, or we lose confidence in our deen. Some people even become arrogant. And none of these are signs of truly accepting the qadr of Allah and submitting to Him. And reacting such way does not harm Allah in any way; it only hurts our akhirah.

            My words may sound harsh, but what I have said, I believe is true. At least my words cannot be more harsh than the punishment of Allah. I assure you once again that you have my full sympathy for the agony you are going through. But at the same time, I advise you that you sincerely repent to Allah for that statements that you have made.

          • Stranger,

            I agree with you and that is why I also wanted to point out to the sister that the biggest thing she needs to do before anything else is immense istigfaar/tawbah. Feeling that we have done nothing wrong and everything is someone else's fault can leads to arrogance, as we fail to recognise that any of our own faults or wrongs may have contributed to our current situations. If we all just reflect a little and look in the mirror, we will definitely identify something. If we recognise our errors and turn to Allah in repentance, Allah loves this.

            Precious Star, I think you would feel so much lighter if you admitted this and did sincere tawbah. It is the only way ahead.

  3. my dear siister after reading ur story i really feel sad how diffrent iz thiz donyaa som1 wishes 2 marry daspreattly n now we sometyme treat our husbandz n wiffy un respectiflly ,

    my sweet dalen u should say alahmdulah 4 everything u hav n get at 1st ,alah iz teastting u im sure there iz a specall person mad just 4 u .i rember 1 day i luved som1 soo bad ,he left me with som1,i was heart brken but then i knew 1 thing n i had it in my mind that alah has choden som1 specially mad 4 me in thiz donyaa i knw its not easy 2 mov on but hav faith in ut slf n sabir n yakeen that alah 1 day will mak u happy if itz not in thiz donya then da herare after ,alahmdulah now im married siis with a luv of my lyf that alah has choesn speaicaly 4 me as i said 2 u i hav a kid bby gril .DALEN DONT WORRY ABOUT DA AGE U R ITZ ONLY A NUMBER BUT HAVING FAITH N ALAH IZ STRONGER SOO KEEP ON PRY ALAH WILL LISTEN 2 U BUT U NEED 2 BE PASHENT SIIS THIZ IZ DONYA MAY ALAH GIV UZ JANNAH

  4. Sorry to say this but...Can people please write proper English Grammar here. It's getting a bit annoying, and harder to read. I expect this style of spelling/writing from teenagers. Thank you.

    • Tammy, I agree that this kind of writing is very difficult to read, but keep in mind that some people may not be well educated, or English may be their second language, so their grammar and spelling may be poor. But they still have a right to share their feelings and ask for advice.

      And to the writer of the above comment, if you do have the ability to write better English, then please do so.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • I don't mean to offend anyone. I understand that there are people out there that don't have a education level to write well, there's nothing wrong with them writing here and seeking advice. However, my point was going towards people who know how to spell but chooses to write it in slang mispelled way. I think I want to take back my very first comment.

        • No I agree with you, if someone is capable of writing proper English then they should do so. If not, they can do their best Insha'Allah.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  5. Some things just don't work, despite our efforts to try and make them work. Sometimes we are put in situations that are merely a means of testing out Imaan.Sometimes things happen to protect us from our own desires, from our own weaknesses. Through in these times of trial is it vital to remember that we must hold on stronger to our Iman than before. By this I mean, do not question your fate, question your actions but do not question your fate. We all make mistakes; as is the nature of humans. Everything that happens in life there is a lesson to be learned. If you sit dwelling on the "what if's" then you have earned yourself two losses. One loss being what has occured and the other being the lossof the wisdom and understanding every test brings. Trust me when I say this,there is no guarantee to "love",or a happy marriage. EVERY single relationship on the faceof this earth goes through ups and downs.Some make it, and some don't. And Allah swt knows best.

    For you it is best to continue you prayer but not in a difiant manner as in "I asked Allah swt and I prayed but He didn't answer... why is He doing this to me.." etc. How arrogant we are a people to put limits on when, and how our Creator; The All Knowing, All Wise should answer our prayers.
    The Prophet saw said something to the effect , they may be a thing that is good for us while it appears bad, and there may be a thing that is bad for us while it appears good. WE DON'T KNOW.Our concern is the after-life and we simply dont know how well we are doing to get there. So trust Allah swt, make a sound effort to marry (ie martimonials, word of mouth, online) just don't show impatience.
    "The invocation of anyone of you is granted (by God) if he does not show impatience (by saying, "I invoked God but my request has not been granted.") -Prophet Muhammad [peace be upon him]

    Be comforted that Allah swt is close to us. I leave you with this:
    Surah Qaf 50:16:
    "It was We Who created man, and We know what dark suggestions his soul makes to him: for We are nearer to him than (his) jugular vein."

    Ibn Kathir tafseer:
    (And We are nearer to him than his jugular vein.) means, His angels are nearer to man than his jugular vein. Those who explained `We' in the Ayah to mean `Our KNOWLEDGE,' have done so to avoid falling into the idea of incarnation or indwelling; but these two creeds are false according to the consensus of Muslims. Allah is praised and glorified, He is far hallowed beyond what they ascribe to Him.)

    (extracted from http://islamic-replies.ucoz.com)

  6. Sister, I really do not know what to say. Either you can try an Islamic matrimonial site or get your male family members involved in the masajid to try to find a good brother. I do not know what to suggest, as everything has been stated. I will make dua for you, as that is all I can do. Insha Allah maybe you can update us when you overcome this hurdle. All I can say is to forget the man. If he was truly devastated by what you said, he would not have been with another woman so soon. He would have pondered upon the situation, and would have considered converting, or speaking to you to sort things out. Now that he did not, it is best for you to move on. I realize that is easier said than done, but, what other option do you have Precious Star? Try to keep yourself busy with your profession. Try reading some Quran to pass time, or join an all females' gym. The exercise will help you stay healthy, will make time pass, and will help you stay fit too! Inshallah with the will and mercy of Allah s.w.t and a bit of activism on your/your family's part, everything will come together.

  7. I've created a big brouhaha by insinuating that i am blaming God for my heartache.

    I have questions. I am not a 20-something writing in to this website because of a doomed love affair. My experience has been much more existential than that, with huge spiritual questions arising because of it. My faith in God was and is unshakeable throughout this process. I believed in the age-old formula instilled in my by my parents: do good, be nice, pray, read dua, and things will just work out. So I sat lonely during my 20's and 30's wondering why that formula wasn't working.

    Perhaps it was wrong to say "Islam has failed me". Islam is simple, it is pure, it is clearly defined in the Quran. How we practice it and communicate it within our communities, is what is variable. And THAT is what has failed me. I don't believe I needed to sit and wait while someone from within the muslim community called my mother and indicated an interest in me. However, that is what i was led to believe was the Islamic way. Similarly, when I met the man I loved, I did not tell my parents initially, out of fear. I think in retrospect my fear was groundless and if I had integrated him into my family early on, things may have been different. But the origin of that fear was the cultura baggage and subjective interpretations of Islam attached to my parents' thinking.

    I prayed throughout my 30's, and especially at 39 when I met this man -- that God grant me ease in making him my husband in an Islamic way; in my mind I had no doubt that God would make it easy for me. No doubt whatsoever; and while some of you will disagree with me and tell me to repent for having that belief, in my opinion that is the essence of belief -- that God will answer your prayers, and if He doesn't there is a divine wisdom behind it. There is a hadith that is to the effect "I am as my servant thinks I am." When I make my prayers, I believe that God will answrer them. What this experience has taught me is not that God does not listen to His servants; it is that we don't always get what we want. However, the latter is still a huge spiritual quest for me, the concept of the power and role of dua remains a mystery to me that I am still trying to solve. And just because you intellectually accept that God will not give you what you want, does not mean that you will not feel heartache. I am grieving; that does not mean that I am blaming God. That does not mean that I do not submit to God's will. It means I am an emotional human being -- human being,not an angel -- that feels disappointments.

    I'm really not sure how I've committed shirk. I've re-read your post Sister Z. I'm confused about that, I really am! I pushed this man away because of my committment to Islam. If he comes back into my life, I will not blindly marry him without his accepting Islam. Instead, I will approach the issue in a different manner, in a more understanding manner, in a more educative manner, rather than in a "take it or leave it manner." But i'm not sure how my love for this man amounted to Shirk. I never worshipped him, I never associated God with him, I just don't get it.

    • Sister:

      Please try to read following responses from Sheikh Salih Al Munajjid. Hopefully they will partially answer your spiritual quest.

      Why does not Allah answer our dua?
      http://islamqa.com/en/ref/5113/dua%20not%20answered

      She is sad because she is unmarried and is asking for advice
      http://islamqa.com/en/ref/112172/dua%20not%20answered

      Does Allah delay the response to du’aa’ for the one whom He loves?
      http://islamqa.com/en/ref/9619/dua%20not%20answered

      If you really want to learn more about the dua and complete your spiritual quest, then I would encourage you to listen to the audio of book of Sheikh Yasir Qadhi, titled, "Dua, the weapon of the believer". I have not come across any other book in English that is more comprehensive about the subject of dua other than this book.

      Audio Book: http://www.halaltube.com/yasir-qadhi-dua-weapon-of-the-believer

      PDF Copy: http://www.kalamullah.com/Books/Dua%20The%20Weapon%20Of%20The%20Believer.pdf

      Jazakallah.

    • Precious Star,

      I am sorry if I have confused you. My understanding is that if our love for something makes us disobey Allah, then this love is an indirect form of shirk. I had got the impression that you would take this man back and marry him as a Christian. But I can see now that I misunderstood you. I am glad that you will only marry this man if he becomes Muslim and I can see that you really believe in power of 'dua'. This is good maashaAllah. Allah will answer your dua, even if it means that He(swt) will give you something better than what you have asked for.

      Sister - did you mention in one of your posts/comments, that this man has moved on and is now married to another woman?

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Thank you SisterZ.

        He is not married to someone else. He met someone else a few months after i ended things, and as far as i know he is in a relationship with her. This is all very recent, within the last 3-5 months.

        thank you for your help.

        • Precious Star,

          I know you are in pain and I understand your pain, I honestly do. I also know that you have come here desperately looking for answers. You are right, you were mislead into believing that you had to sit and wait for someone to approach your parents for marriage and while you sat there waiting, your life passed you by. I know you must also feel very frustrated, that when you did like a Muslim man, you did not have the open relationship with your parents to be able to tell them. It probably will not ease your pain and anger, but that was supposed to be that way. Our community is seriously flawed in that sense and due to this many of our Muslimahs have suffered the same dilemma.

          I know I have been pushing you to go to marriage bureaus, marriage events and Aunty Jees etc, but I will stop doing this, because I know that while these methods may work for some, they do not work for others at all. Simply because the whole unnatural-ness of the method makes the stomach churn like nothing else, imagine a washing machine. It is always nice to meet someone in a natural environment when marriage is not the inital agenda. I know many will disagree with me, but this is my opinion, my very strong opinion.

          What I do know is that when a woman is feeling relatively happy and confident in herself, this will reflect in her personality and she will be more attractive to nice potentials. This of course is not the reason to find happiness, but for one's own sanity and mental wellbeing aswell. It will help you deal with life's ups and downs in a stronger way. I can see you saying: 'But SisterZ, how can I be completely happy, when I feel lonely?'. A dear friend recently reminded me that we are never really alone because there is always someone thinking of you and praying for you. And even though this part is not tangible, Allah is always closer to us than our jugular vein.

          Precious Star, shall I tell you what gives me happiness? Helping others, trying to help you, trying to help my brothers and sisters who need some words of encouragement (although I know I may not always achieve that, but I try). When I am able to with the Will of Allah, to bring a smile to someone's face, or support them through a difficult time, it gives me a fulfilment like nothing else can.

          Sister, do you work? Do you live alone? And do mind telling me which country you live in?

          SisterZ
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • What's an Aunty Jee? I never heard of that.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • yes, i work. i have a busy career in Canada. I live alone but close to my parents. I was able to bury myself in my career for many years.
            i don't know what a marriage burreau is, but if it is some type of marriage service offered by the local muslim community, we don' t have it here where I live. I believe is more of an american-muslim concept. Similary, marriage events are very infrequent, and cater mostly to the 23-35 year old crowd -- again, I have heard of them but the last one that took place in my geographical area was several years ago. I know there was one recently in a large city about 5 hours away, that I go to quite regularly, but the event again catered to a much younger age group.
            As for Aunty Jee's (first time I've heard that term, too) .. I have only heard of women who "do rishta's" for a certain sum of money, but they cater mostly to the new immigrant crowd. Despite the language and cultural differences, I've tried them, and continue to try them. I've spent a lot of money on the muslim marriage business - these Rishta Aunties are rich!

          • Hmm, Precious Star,

            It seems that you would be open to joining marriage bureaus if you knew of some. I know the Muslim community is less in Canada but I'm sure there is a community that you are just not aware of. We just need to help you find some good links in Canada.

            Are you aware of the Al-Huda institute in Canada? Here is their link: http://www.alhudainstitute.ca/

            It is a very good Islamic College run by Farhat Hashmi, she is a well known and highly learned Muslimah. She runs Islamic courses at Al-Huda Institute in Ontario Canada, Texas USA and Pakistan and has started up less formally in the UK aswell. I am thinking that if you were to contact them, they may be able to put you in touch with some Muslims on your wavelength. All you need to do is to start networking and inshaAllah your doors will open.

            ***

            I also want to tell you of a dua that my Tajweed Teacher told me some weeks ago as I was facing a difficult situation. MaashaAllah he gave me a dua that encompassed more than one issue. This dua was made by Musa(as) as is revealed to us in Surah Qasas , Ayah 24, translated as: "My Lord! Truly, I am in need of whatever good that You bestow on me!". I shall tell you the story below:

            The Quran narrates that a man came running to Musa(as) to warn him that the Chiefs of Firaun were plotting to kill him and that he should flee for his life. Musa(as) ran in fear and cried: "My Lord! Save me from the people who are Zâlimûn (polytheists and wrong-doers)!"and when he arrived in Madyan , he said: "It may be that my Lord guides me to the Right Way."

            The Quran goes on to tell us that Musa(as) upon reaching Madyan found "a group of men watering (their flocks), and besides them he found two women who were keeping back (their flocks)." These women told Musa(as) that: "We cannot water (our flocks) until the shepherds take (their flocks). And our father is a very old man." So Musa(as) took this opportunity to help them hoping that through this good deed, Allah would bestow some much needed Mercy on him.

            In Ayah 24, we see just this: "So he watered (their flocks) for them, then he turned back to shade, and said: "My Lord! Truly, I am in need of whatever good that You bestow on me!"

            Sister this is the Dua that I want you to focus on: "My Lord! Truly, I am in need of whatever good that You bestow on me!"

            Immediately, Allah(swt) answered the sincere dua of Musa(as) and gave him more than what he had asked for by granting him not just: (1) safety from his enemies but also (2) a job and (3) a wife. SubhaanAllah! And we see the answers in the following Ayahs:

            25. Then there came to him one of the two women, walking shyly. She said: "Verily, my father calls you that he may reward you for having watered (our flocks) for us." So when he came to him and narrated the story, he said: "Fear you not. You have escaped from the people who are Zâlimûn (polytheists, disbelievers, and wrong-doers)."

            26. And said one of them (the two women): "O my father! Hire him! Verily, the best of men for you to hire is the strong, the trustworthy."

            27. He said: "I intend to wed one of these two daughters of mine to you, on condition that you serve me for eight years, but if you complete ten years, it will be (a favour) from you. But I intend not to place you under a difficulty. If Allâh will, you will find me one of the righteous."

            It really is a beautiful story and covers so many issues. It gives you one simple Dua for so may issues, so keep reciting this, even if you are not feeling anything, just keep at it. InshaAllah you will see a result, Allah will create a path for you. Try to memorise the dua in Arabic as it is very short. If I can do it with my fish brain memory, anyone can inshaAllah.

            SisterZ
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  8. Wael,
    Aunty Jee refers to an older woman, presumably old enough to be one's aunt.

    • Lol,

      We refer to the 'match making' women as 'Aunty Jees', so they may not always be old enough to be your aunt, but they may just be 'match maker's'. They are usually annoying women you meet at family gatherings who have nothing better to do but keep both eyes out for pretty young single women. More than often, they don't care if the personalities match with the men they have in mind, as long as the girl is pretty.

      My advice: stay away from them.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Oh yes, they have such matchmaking women in Egypt as well, but I don't know what they are called. My father once jokingly suggested to my aunt who lives in Cairo, and is a retired dentist, that she could pass time by being a matchmaker. She got very offended, as it is not considered a respectable profession for an educated person.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Actually, I played the role of Aunty Jee when I was about 20 years young, lol. Some guy at uni liked this beautiful sister, she was about 5 inches taller than him, practising, wore hijaab and lived in the Uni campus. So myself and a friend found her room, approached her for the first time, introduced ourselves and I can't believe what came out of my mouth. I introduced myself and then asked her if she would be interested in so and so for marriage. She giggled as she wasn't really thinking of marriage just yet but wanted to see which guy it was out of curiosity. We didnt want the guy to feel embarassed, so we styled it out. I went down to the car park and manouvered the guy to a place where the sister would get a full a view of him from her campus window. And she then knew which one it was. She became my friend and I don't know what became of him. Both nice people, just complete miss-match. Lol

          SisterZ
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  9. Assalam O aalikum!
    I think there is nothing wrong with the so called "matchmaking aunties", as they just are there to help out families who are looking for decent spouses for their children. Also, it saves a lot of headache when both sides tell this "Aunty jee" what they are looking for in a future spouse for their son/daughter. Because, then you won't have a lot of people hitting on you who don't know what you want in your future spouse. It is then on families after initial introduction that whether they want to carry on or drop the conversation/getting to know thing.
    I do agree on the fact that, these so called "match making aunties" look out for only good looking girls/guys with good packages without considering their character, deen, personality etc but then they are not to blame for this. All this blame falls on the brothers mostly (if he has the right to choose) if not, then mother of the guy is to blame who is just being superficial looking out for a pretty/beautiful girl to be her daughter in law. Just recently, one of my friend who had his engagement broken by her fiancee (his cousin here in England) went back home. He was told about this "match making aunty" who charged them a big amount of fee (in Pakistani currency), she arranged more then 50 potential matches for this friend of mine in one week and arranged the meetings with both families. He went with his mother to see the families and girls as well and Alhamdullilah, he got engaged a month ago and Insha Allah will be marrying in summer. This friend of mine had his engagement broken when he was 25 just for silly reasons like his fiancee said he didn't give her gifts on valentine's day or he didn't call her daily or didn't visited their family for often. This friend of mine was a full time student (genuine), working at the same time, trying to earn his living and also sparing his money for tuition as well. So, eventually engagement broke and he was heart-broken as he really liked this cousin. He was single for like 7-8 years, tried on-line dating, match-making, Masjids, events, but nothing worked. Now he is engaged to this girl Masha Allah and he is very happy and says she is very caring, loving and understanding as well (Allah knows best). He is 33 something now. This girl is 24 and she is studying islamic finance in "Islamic University" in Islamabad (PK) at MPhil leading to PhD. She is practising (as she always asks my friend about his prayers before anything else when and if they talk on phone).
    For us guys who come here and then work our way up, it's very difficult to do all that kind of stuff like gifts, calling everyday visiting their families also isn't it haram as well. Now, this friend of mine says that he just wasted his 7 years, and I always tell him that it was meant to be from Allah almighty and no one can change it. There is right time for everything to happen, no one can change that and we should accept it as this is how Allah swt intended it to happen for us. We can make dua but we can't change the time for something to happen.
    So, I personally think nothing is wrong with this "matchmaking aunty" as far as we use it properly, I hear people saying ban TV, facebook, internet, etc. Come one people! it's up to us how we use something, there is literally nothing that doesn't have it's side-effects in this world, so always take cautions in consideration before using something.

    Wasalam, mks1982:)-

    • Mks,

      I knew without a doubt that my deliberate comment about aunty jees would prompt a reply from yourself. You fell right in ;0).

      For the record, I agree with you. Although I dislike the processes, I can see myself running marriage bureaus and being the head aunty jee myself someday. These are just means of introducing people, no harm.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • @Sister Z,
        Now you are a "future teller" too masha Allah(just joking sister).
        Yes sister! this process of family introduction via "Aunty jees" does has it's pros and cons and I didn't want to write the long post about the conversation I had with my friend. I asked him so many things that he said to me that girl's family even didn't ask so many question haha.
        You know sister, it really hurts seeing these silly processes, especially a lot of sisters have to go through. ( I don't wanna go into details)
        Sister, Don't do marriage bureaus, just do Aunty stuff because from my experience a lot of people don't have trust/faith in marriage beurues as they are there for money reasons while I hope you will be doing this for the sake of helping the ummah Insha Allah. Also, get some help from sister LEYLA too. Who know's, on the day of judgement may be our these good deeds earn us Jannah-tul-Firdous.
        My prayers for all of you brothers and sisters, who are helping out ummah by giving your precious time.
        Wasalam, MKs1982

    • I agree with MKS that these 'auntee jees' are important. i only hope that more of them start looking for islamic values in brothers/sisters. And instead of pushing people to marriages to make some money, think of them as humans.

      For the record 'SisterZ' inshaAllah you'll make a really good 'auntee jee'. And please don't wait, just start doing it, there are so many sisters/brothers around, may Allah reward you for this.

      regards,

      • Lol, I will not be able to portray the typical aunty jee though. The one with thick glasses, a bun in my hair, prying eyes etc. And it most certainly would not be a money making scam. Hmm, I can only do this once I have settled down myself inshaAllah.

        SisterZ
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  10. Sister Z: Yes, i have been reading that very dua for years. My father gave it to me in 2005. I have been reciting it regularly in the morning, evening, and while driving to work, for the past 5 years. I had such faith in it...when I met this man last year, I thought he was the answer to the prayer!

    The hurt cuts like a knife in my heart. Today is a bad day and I am crying a lot. I keep waiting for the healing to start.

    • Dear Sister,

      I feel your pain, I really do and I wish I could do something to remove it. Pleae allow me to tell you a story of Ayyub(as). I hope you dont mind me telling you these stories. I just believe that they are here for our benefit so if they can give you some peace of heart, ease in mind and hope, then Alhumdulillah.

      ***

      Ayyub(as), a Prophet and a decendant of Ibrahim(as) was given years of happiness. He was actually in love with his wife, as opposed to just having love for her and he had all the material luxuries life could give, including his strong faith in Allah, but he was then teasted. He lost his wealth, his health and his children, they were crushed under a roof, but every time Shaytan failed to mislead him; as Ayyub(as) knelt down in prayer and said my wealth belongs to Allah/my children belong to Allah and I thank Him(swt) for what He(swt) has granted me and I thank Him(swt) for what He(swt) has taken.

      Allah(swt) then tested him with his wife - his beloved, his passion, the woman he was inlove with. One narration is that she did something that angered Ayyub(as) and he vowed to strike her 100 times if his health returned. He didnt mean this at all, he said it in a state of anger as we all say silly things in a temper sometimes, don't we. Anyway, Allah caused him to lose his wife and he was a very unhappy man. This went on for years, but he kept praying to Allah, he cried out: “Verily, distress has seized me and You are the Most Merciful of all those who show mercy.” Holy Qur’an ( Sura Al- Anbiyya 21: 83) And in Surah Sad, Ayah 41, he said: ‘Satan has afflicted me with exhaustion and suffering.‘

      Eventually after a very long and heartbreaking period, Allah responded to Ayyub(as)’s supplications and rewarded him for his patience: 'We responded to him and removed from him the harm which was afflicting him and restored his family to him, and the same again with them, as a mercy direct from Us and a Reminder to all worshippers.’ (Surat al-Anbiya’, 21, Ayah 84)

      So Ayyub(as) got his health and wealth back and also his beloved wife, he was so happy. But he had one thing on his mind, he had vowed to strike his wife if his health returned. So now he was a little confused, he really did not know what to do, how was he going to get out of this one? He couldn't beat his wife but he couldn't break a promise either. So he contemplated and he prayed and asked Allah what to do. Allah is the most Merciful, of course He(swt) would not want Ayyub(as) or any man beat his wife. So He(swt) inspired Ayyub(as) to take 100 of the best feathers from the beautiful pasture that he had been blessed with and to strike his wife with those, which really became 'loving strokes':

      ‘Stamp your foot! Here is a cool bath and water to drink.’ We gave him back his family and the same again with them as a mercy from Us and a reminder for people of intellect. ‘Take a bundle of rushes in your hand and strike with that but do not break your oath.’ We found him steadfast. What an excellent servant! He truly turned to his Lord. (Surah Sâd, 42-44)

      So Ayyub(as) had ease, went through a long long period of deprivation and pain, he remained steadfast, he repented and thanked Allah, then Allah returned to him his heart's desire. In Surah al-Anbiya 21, Ayah 84, when Allah says: 'We responded to him and removed from him the harm which was afflicting him and restored his family to him, and the same again with them, as a mercy direct from Us and a Reminder to all worshippers.’

      'A reminder for all those who worship Us,' means: `We made him an example lest those who are beset by trials think that We do that to them because We do not care for them, so that they may take him(Ayyub) as an example of patience in accepting the decrees of Allah and bearing the trials with which He tests His servants as He wills.' And Allah has the utmost wisdom with regard to that.

      Simply put, this is to remind all of us who worship Allah, that when we are faced with hardships and trials, do not think that we experiencing that pain because Allah does not care for us. Allah does care for us and is testing us as He(swt) wishes to and there is great Wisdom behind all of our trials.

      ***

      Hang in there my sister. Please contact the Al-Huda institute in Canda and keep talking to us aswell inshaAllah.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor
      xxx

      • That is a beautiful story. :-)

      • Thanks for telling this story. It's a great reminder of how much we are blessed, and how we should never take our loved ones for granted.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com editor

      • I actually have the exact verse from 21:83 and 21:84 on my blackberry and I read it every morning and every night. This morning, I read it while I was in a meeting at work.
        Nonetheless, suddenly I find myself slipping.... not waking up for fajr, not reading Quran night and day..I don't know if it is because I am "spiritually tired" after all these months of begging God for healing and for lifting the darkness, or if I am somewhat resigned to feeling "the hurt" indefintely. I just don't know. But I still talk to God, and I still pray everyday and make up the prayers I miss (including fajr).

        Anyway, I am going on a trip soon, to a rather tumultuous part of the world (perfect timing!); I think that is what you call "pathetic fallacy" (lol).

        I worry that while I am on this trip, I will remain in this hole. I am travelling by myself albeit with a tour group -- strangers, all of whom are travelling in pairs. In previous years I have found this enjoyable and a good escape from my boring single life. This year, I can't garner the same excite as I have had before. I am so worried that my darkness will not allow me to absorb and appreciate my surroundings while I am travelling. Can you pray for me? That is all I can do. I didn't even have the money for this trip, I just put it on my credit card because I needed to do it, I needed to get away and try to enjoy the things I used to enjoy doing -- God forgive me for buying more debt! For the first time in my life, I am not looking forward to taking beautiful pictures, to immersing myself in a foreign culture and land, to meeting new people, to reading a good book while on the airplane (that used to be "me time" and I relished that part of the journey!). What is happening to me? Does a broken heart mean broken life?

        Please, to all those who have tried to reach out to me these past months....Can I ask for your help in making sure that my spirits are lifted, and the darkness goes away, during my travels? I need to become whole again.

        • Broken heart feels like a broken soul, broken dreams and a tortured mind to be honest. Wat can i say? I find myself snapping at ppl, being grumpy and generally low. Its sumthin that u begin to live with. I dunno wat to say to u as i feel the same and i have no idea when itl pass.

          • Aliya, please check out some of my articles at IslamicSunrays.com, and I think you'll find them helpful in dealing with these feelings of heartbreak and pain.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • I have read a lot of ur articles, they are very inspiring and i bookmark them to read them again when i need to. I think inevitably, specially when u have been in a relationship which was haraam, becoz u werent married u just feel like a fool u no. Becoz u werent meant to be in that. Im ok, n i no i have to move on but i hav this stupid hope in me that wat i want wil become in my reach. Its this daft hope of mine. Some days are ok. To be honest, inshallah i believe god wil bring whats best for me, whether or not its marriage to who i want or not. Its just hard to be a lighthearted person sometyms. I ap

          • I have read a lot of ur articles, they are very inspiring and i bookmark them to read them again when i need to. I think inevitably, specially when u have been in a relationship which was haraam, becoz u werent married u just feel like a fool u no. Becoz u werent meant to be in that. Im ok, n i no i have to move on but i hav this stupid hope in me that wat i want wil become in my reach. Its this daft hope of mine. Some days are ok. To be honest, inshallah i believe god wil bring whats best for me, whether or not its marriage to who i want or not. Its just hard to be a lighthearted person sometyms. I apPreciate everyones advice and all the duas n things posted here. I always read the content of this site and its good to no all different viewpoints. Sometyms u even see ur own strengths.

        • As salamu alaykum Precious,

          I listen to your call, I am here my beloved sister while you need me, I will pray for you, insha´Allah,...sounds so good that you are travelling, enjoy your trip and take some photographs, maybe one day you can share them with us and tell all your stories, insha´Allah, ...and if you alloud me an advice, talk to people instead of reading, open yourself instead of closing in a book or in your thoughts, be open to know new people, if you don´t know what to say, talk about the weather, always functions, don´t think about the money now, thank God you are healthy and you work for it, then go ahead and do your best to enjoy your journey.

          You are not the same anymore, don´t look back, look ahead and get to know your new you, you have a beautilful opportunity with this trip full of strangers to create yourself, who you really want to be, insha´Allah.

          I hope to know about you after the trip. Keep lot of good memories to tell us when you are back, insha´Allah.

          Barak Allah feekum.

          All my Unconditional Love and Respect,

          María

  11. Dear Brothers/Sisters, Asalaamualaykum,

    I just watched this video titled: "He Who Has No One Has Allah," by Navaid Aziz. It brought tears to my eyes.

    You can watch it at:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2sa5ymA8SE

    ***

    When we go through pain, trials and tribulations, we can either decide to get closer to Allah which will take us to Jannah. Or we can isolate ourselves by living in our pain, thereby making the pain worse and creating our own destruction. A recent painful experience brought me closer to Allah, so maybe that was Allah's way of calling me back to Him. I am sure it is the same for all of you who have experienced any sort of pain, be it the loss of a loved one or just a simple prick of a thorn. He who has Allah, has everything. Do watch the video inshaAllah, its only half an hour long.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor

    • Assalam O Alaikum Sister Z,
      Masha Allah, its a great video, it really up lifts my spirit you know. I am going thorugh so much that sometimes I feel like giving up. So, this kind of videos from brothers and sisters here and some other friends keep me going and when ever I am feeling down I just go and watch them over and over again. Allah swt eases the pain and sufferings of those who help others who are in pain. Jazakallah for sharing, and keep sharing whatever you think could benefit all muslim brothers and siters:)-.

      Assalam O Alaikum Sister Aliya25,
      Sister you need to change, no matter how difficult it might be but you have to change for yourself if not for anyone else and for your creater Allah (swt). We have limited time in this world and many challenges to face, every situation, every problem we face, everytime we get hurt, betrayed or taken advantaged by the people who we love most is actually a test from Allah (swt).
      So, do you want to remain stuck on something, feeling down and low, disappointed or kind of giving up on everything OR you want to face the situation and keep Allah swt close to your heart by doing a lot of dikr, prayers and charity etc. Sister, you might say that "easier said than done " then, believe it or not I myself have been in these kind of situations but worst. But, I konw from my experience that there is peace and trinquality in Allah's remembrance and there is no other medicine or antidote for our broken heart.
      May Allah help us all to find our real purpose in this worldly life and work toward achieving it. (Amin)

      • There was a really nice dua u wrote here a while ago mks82, i had it saved then lost it. It was very recent. I cant find it ive lost it. Can u remember it?

        • Assalam O alaikum sister Aliya25,

          Sister! Can you remember what was that dua for? Then I might be able to find out about that.
          Wasalam, mks1982.

  12. Aliya25,

    You are not a fool. You made a mistake and now you have realised the error of your ways.

    Did you become closer to Allah through this trial? If your answer is 'Yes', then you are one of the successful.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor
    x

  13. Salam Alaykom,
    Maybe its the western tradition of falling in love first that is getting in the way. It is the cultural tradition of many Muslims to marry someone who is a good man, a pious man, who loves Allah, and thus will be a true supporter and companion to you. The "love" part comes later. Truly you cannot know the full depths of love until you and your partner have been together through an extended period together, and come through many situations.

    Let God be the bond between you and your potential mate, and then build love on that. Look for piety. Forgo looking for "love" in the traditional sense.

  14. Salam, Sr. Precious
    Somehow my posting did not go thru and I am retyping...LOL. I know you from other posts on SuhaibWebb website and I totally can relate to your life experiences - and the turning away of the one person you finally thought Allah sent to and did not work out and the matrimonial websites and aunties etc.
    I hope you have found some peace and tranquility with time since the incident - I am still struggling despite Zazrat Musa's (AS) dua and all I can do to read Quran and pray and be more Allah concious - certainly, the experience HAS brought me closer to my deen - maybe that was Allah's internet by bringing these men into our lives for only that purpose.

    • Thank you Seema. No, I have not found peace and tranquility yet. I keep praying for it, however. I reflect a great deal on the power of dua in this life, and whether it really effects change. I believe that everything happens for a reason, but it has been ingrained in me that if I keep praying for something to happen, it will. I often wonder why Allah has not answered my prayers for peace and healing. Perhaps He is not yet ready to forgive me, or, He wishes for me to remain brokenhearted for a while longer...only He knows my destiny which He has written.

      Perhaps I will know the answer in 40 years from now, or tomorrow, or in the next life.

      • Precious Star: I wish we could talk directly. Wael, can you please, please, please connect us?? :)

      • Dear Precious Star,

        I have read some of your comments in the past and can feel your pain. This might seem like an obvious thing to say, but have you ever tried looking for someone suitable to marry back in your homeland?

        • Dilly...please, I have heard this a lot as well....and I have also heard aunties tell me "girls back there cannot find someone and you think you can come on a plane and marry someone and take him with you". Your suggestion is not without its problems. I don't know about Precious, but not everyone has continued connections back home - I certainly don't - to help with this process. Marriage is not just getting someone from back home, but seeing compatabilty. 2 girls I personally know, did what you are saying - the guys got their Green cards and dumped them (in addition to carrying on affairs behind their wives backs) while the wives were working to support these men and settle them in the US.

        • Dilly,

          Thanks for the suggestion. I don't really have a connection to my parents' homeland. I consider North America my home and have little or nothing in common with the country my parents chose to leave behind over 55 years ago.

      • I re-read your main post, Precious and I made the same mistake - convert or its over - We need someone like Wael or others more sophisticated than me in this, to help us understand how to introduce Islam to a grown man - adult women are easy to want to read and revert, which is why there are more muslim revert sisters - men find it a blow to their egos to even consider researching a religion. Most men who do revert for marrigae and then I have heard and seen become very good practising muslims, are mostly in their "moldable" years of late teens/early 20s. I want to now learn how to do introduce Islam to a man should I ever be in such a situation again. I too have been hearing for the past many years " a good muslim man will come: and aunties telling ,me "how can you expect a husband when girls in their 20s are still sitting waiting". I wish these women could hear what they say to us or if someone said something like this to their daughters how would they then feel.
        Sorry, just venting!

  15. Salam,
    What was the arabic version of the dua Musa (pbuh) made?

    • This dua was made by Musa(as) as is revealed to us in Surah Qasas, Ayah 24, translated as: "My Lord! Truly, I am in need of whatever good that You bestow on me!".

      I shall tell you the story below:

      The Quran narrates that a man came running to Musa(as) to warn him that the Chiefs of Firaun were plotting to kill him and that he should flee for his life. Musa(as) ran in fear and cried: "My Lord! Save me from the people who are Zâlimûn (polytheists and wrong-doers)!" and when he arrived in Madyan, he said: "It may be that my Lord guides me to the Right Way."

      The Quran goes on to tell us that Musa(as) upon reaching Madyan found "a group of men watering (their flocks), and besides them he found two women who were keeping back (their flocks)." These women told Musa(as) that: "We cannot water (our flocks) until the shepherds take (their flocks). And our father is a very old man." So Musa(as) took this opportunity to help them hoping that through this good deed, Allah would bestow some much needed Mercy on him.

      In Ayah 24, we see just this: "So he watered (their flocks) for them, then he turned back to shade, and said: "My Lord! Truly, I am in need of whatever good that You bestow on me!"

      Immediately, Allah(swt) answered the sincere dua of Musa(as) and gave him more than what he had asked for by granting him not just:
      (1) safety from his enemies, but also
      (2) a job and
      (3) a wife;
      SubhaanAllah! And we see the evidence of Allah(swt)'s answers and Blessings in the following Ayahs:

      25. Then there came to him one of the two women, walking shyly. She said: "Verily, my father calls you that he may reward you for having watered (our flocks) for us." So when he came to him and narrated the story, he said: "Fear you not. You have escaped from the people who are Zâlimûn (polytheists, disbelievers, and wrong-doers)."

      26. And said one of them (the two women): "O my father! Hire him! Verily, the best of men for you to hire is the strong, the trustworthy."

      27. He said: "I intend to wed one of these two daughters of mine to you, on condition that you serve me for eight years, but if you complete ten years, it will be (a favour) from you. But I intend not to place you under a difficulty. If Allâh will, you will find me one of the righteous."

      It really is a beautiful story and encompasses so many issues in one go, so recite this Dua often, even if you are not feeling anything, just keep at it. InshaAllah you will see a result, Allah will create a path for you. Try to memorise the dua in Arabic as it is very short. If I can do it with my fish brain memory, anyone can inshaAllah.

      Salaams,

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  16. Ok. Sister as your young and little brother in Islam I love you, and I want to comfort you at this moment, but I definitely feel like you need a reality check. I also think people fail to conceptualize the consequences of actions (or inactions ) and faith outside of quoting Quranic verses. This is a bit unorganized but I do critique your several posts on this website in different threads.

    WS Precious, I would like to know more about your situation/advise you on it. I could definitely feel where you're coming form, but I think you are (and have been) approaching such a situation incorrectly on so many levels.

    For one you're 40. I think you should try to get married as soon as possible for biological reasons. My mother was 42 when she had me and 45 when she had my little brother. It is possible, but a risk to a mother and child both go up.

    Secondly, and a point to all Muslim women. The Prophet PBUH said if you like a man's character and honesty marry him. Notice that things like wealth are left out of here. I could almost almost almost ALWAYS read the ethnicity/cultural background/nationalty and consequently baggage from the poster. Let me guess desi, most likely Pakistani/Bangladeshi heritage. It is astounding you waited out physically and emotionally until 40, I think there are serious questions on how serious you were about getting married and that too following Islamic (not desi) guidelines. I know that sounds mean, and I do try to be comforting, but we have to be realistic and this goes to my point about cultural heritage, this meek and not outgoing desi/arab girl mentality has to stop.

    There simply aren't enough doctors/lawyers/millionaires who are 6'4" that are going to come to your doorstep. I know because out of a family of three brothers and one sister, my sister was the oldest and first to marry. Desi women, often times more than men* have unrealistic expectations for suitors. Not only in physical charactersitics but fiscal characteristics. Not being able to pay a dowery of gold + cash would automatically throw out a potential suitors. Actually let me correct that statement, not being able to pay a dowry would result in your parents throwing out potential suitors and you being meek and submissive obeying. Although there is no Islamic precedence to this and having a parents consent is not wajib.

    The post goes on:“ to this day, despite being quite vocal about my dissatisfaction with what has transpired, not one person has suggested a method by which to meet a muslim; everyone says "have patience, there is a good husband waiting for you in paradise." That is wonderful, it really is, but am I now supposed to be a martyr and wish for death so that I can actualize my potential as a wife and mother? No one, NO ONE, would ever say that to a man. In my community, 2nd generation muslim men marry non muslim women all the time”

    A good husband is waiting for you is the best advice you got? Again, where do you live. You sound like a British Mirpuri right now. I think this is frustration speaking and untrue at least on the one side you are making it. On your second point on non-Muslim marriages (which I don’t believe men or women should do) I have seen interracial marriages where both partners are Muslim, the girl is Arab, the girl is Pakistani, the girl is black, work out immensely because they left the CULTURAL baggage out. I have never seen a muslim/non-Muslim marriage last in my family or in my community. These people pay the toll through years wasted in their lives. I don’t know why you would use this example as a retort, would you to also feel like you have wasted years of your lives. Also since when is this as frequent as you are making it. The image you protect to all readers is that Muslim guys are, in droves, dumping Muslim women for non-Muslim women. Stop using anecdotal evidence, you will see why when I will point out to an another example from a Pew Center poll down below. It’s simply not true.

    On the first point about “suggested methods” I reiterate what I have written above, you are waiting for the man of your dreams to come for the door. Let’s not be naïve, whether its in the academic or professional world. Nothing worthwhile is that easy. I offer the example of my sister. She tried for two solid years in her early thirties to look for a good guy (I think in retrospect looking online is the WORST- no security, strangers, and desi women tend to do it, as they have a set criteria and the internet is an excellent medium to perform this prescreening on a husband). Ultimately, like with a lot of desi girls (including two of my first cousins), where did these women find their spouses? Friend of a friend (of a friend six degrees of separation anyone?). If you are a professional you should know what I was taught in business school NETWORK NETWORK NETWORK.

    Finding a spouse shouldn’t be too different. These freefloating online profiles, or people your parents find are idiotic. Why would ever go for someone or in your words “sit lonely” whose character you don’t know, and more importantly whose character you couldn’t verify from friends or references? That seems ridiculous to me. Again where is this “out of the blue suitor in Islam?” Did the prophet not have a history with EACH of his wives? Desi/Arab culture at its WORST.

    From what I understand you were in academics. You seriously could not find a single Muslim guy in the academic world? Having gone an academic heavy university, and worked in another large American city, I would say the variance of the academic world is the most astounding. You have PhD students out of a masters program to 60 year old assistant professors. Most of them too are single, quirky, and offer an intellectual capacity that suits your’s more than anyone else. Secondly, while you do have deadlines and have to give drafts to dissertation committies, I find it hard to believe you could not by the age of 40 have the time to find a man? That’s unbelievable, and highly unlikely.

    Compare this my situation. I worked at a bulge bracket investment bank as an Associate. 80-100 work weeks for two years straight. I still found time in the mornings and on weekends to look for a spouse. Again through networking personally. I know that my group of friends is likely to reflect my character the best and I found a woman to settle down with. I kept working weeks like this due to the financial crisis after becoming VP, although more betweek 60-80 a year after being married, having a kid, working out, doing the groceries. I just can’t accept the fact you were so busy or immersed in work/academia that you couldn’t find a spouse. You have much more flexibility than a corporate lawyer of an investment banker and I don’t think, in terms of hours, your job will demand 2-4 years of 80-100 hour workweeks.

    We are American Muslims. I say that being the son of Pakistani immigrants. We aren’t British Muslims who see the solution to marriage as importing their spouse. Your situation and most articles about Muslim women seem to make it a dire situation for them, it seems like there is a plethora of unwed 30+ Muslim women. This is BS and far from the truth, based on insecurities and anecdotal evidence. A recent Pew Center poll of Muslim Americans showed that 54% of them are male. Consider this poll probably isn’t indicative of non-citizen (greencard), illegal Muslims, who are usually male and try their best to bring their male relatives to settle in this country before females, that percentage is probably higher. Again you’re making/projecting decisions based on facts that simply are anecdotal to you and not reflective of a reality that those decisions should be based on. There are plenty of eligible men out there, and more than women, and one does not frequently or in the latter’s case rarely sees any that marry non-Muslims or are polygamous (again Pew Center). The competition is harder for men, we too have to move out of our own network to find a spouse.

    Lastly a small point but one I see in most gender based articles : “Muslim ___ men/women/culture/good” no such thing exists. Islam exists in every country in the world, you can’t just generalize people because of personal experiences.

    There are good guys out there, but don’t expect them to turn up on your doorstep (unless he’s a mailman, in which case inshallah he will)

    Also, think about the Prophet’s PBUH marriage to Khadijah. He was 25, she was 40. SHE proposed to HIM!!! What a farcry from today’s Muslims. And what did the prophet say about Khadijah compared his other wives: “Prophet Muhammad never stopped loving Khadijah, and although he married several more wives in later years and loved them all, it is clear that Khadijah always had a special place in his heart. Once Aisha asked him if Khadijah had been the only woman worthy of his love. The Prophet replied: "She believed in me when no one else did; she accepted Islam when people rejected me; and she helped and comforted me when there was no one else to lend me a helping hand."

    • All I can say to you MA Khan is that you make a lot of generalizations and assumptions. Also, you have taken my plea for advice and comfort as a treatise on the state of muslim women in the west; although you may disagree with my statements concerning muslim-nonmuslim marriages etc, no one who comes to this website including myself first does an empirical study to confirm their own observations. My comments were a reflection of my life experience. I don't know what a British mijpuri (or whatever) is and i don't care.

      1. I'm not looking for a wealthy 6'4" millionnaire/lawyer/doctor etc. And I don't know what you mean when you accuse me of "waiting for the man of my dreams to knock on my door." Since you have put it out there, can you give me specifics, again relating to my particiular situation and not to the women you may know who are my age. Thanks.
      2. I'm not looking for a desi/Pakistani/ etc
      3. yes, that is the best advice I got.
      4. Yes I "seriously could not find a single muslim guy in academics"; in fact, i did not come across any in the universities I attended, and I was in university for 8 years
      5. ""I find it hard to believe you could not by the age of 40 have the time to find a man? That’s unbelievable, and highly unlikely"" ARe you suggesting that I am lying, MA Khan? Whether you believe me or not is really not the issue. Furthermore, your comment is extremely condescending and is intended to make me feel worse than I am.
      6. I worked 80-100 hours/week for 5 years. Its terrific that YOU had oodles of time to find a spouse despite your long work hours. I am really happy for you but that is irrelevent to my experience, it really is. Furthermore, i was socialized to not look for a spouse. My parents frowned upon it.
      7. I'm fairly ticked right now that you have the gall to say that "it is BS" that I make it sound like the state of unmarried women in America is a dire situation. First of all, I am not American (thank Goodness). Secondly, you really need to undestand something. When people are hurting, they reflect on their own experiences and their surroundings in order to (a) make sense of what has happened and (b) find a solution. It is in that context that people like myself come to this website, post their heartache, and ask for advice. Who are you to tell me that my observations and experiences are "BS"???? I know so many women my age, who have been raised here by immigrant parents, who would disagree with you. I am sure there are many younger men, who are cocky and arrogant, who would disagree with me, but that is really here nor there in terms why I said what I did, and the reasons for my post.

      And finally, I don't know what you mean when you said that your friend was "risking the health of his future babies" by proposing to a woman who was 38. Are you serious? The risk of birth defects may go up after age 35, but it is minute -- it is an increase, but it is less than 1% by age 42. Women at age 38 have a 99.9% chance of having a healthy baby. By age 42, that chance goes down to about 97%.

      I don't know how old you are, but really - I think you need to grow up a little and recognize that just because you worked at a "bulge bracket investment bank working 80-100 hours a week" doesn't make you qualified to pass judgement on, and critique, a situation you know nothing about.

      I'm sorry if my comment sounds defensive but your arrogance really ticked me off.

      • All I can say to you MA Khan is that you make a lot of generalizations and assumptions.

        You say that like that’s a bad thing. That was the entire point of my post was some women in the desi community tend to spread false stereotypes based on their own personal anecdotes. This is EXTREMELY damaging to the overall image of the Muslim community and can really lead both Muslim men and women to look for spouses elsewhere. It essentially demoralizes women in a similar position. I really see it akin to slander on a whole community. For each of the anecdotes you offered me, I offered you very personal anecdotes of my own life.

        To top it off, I cited a rigorous study from a Think Tank (The Pew Center) that gave statistical backing to a claim that was opposite to the one that you don’t outright say, but one that is projected to reads …that somehow Muslim men are leaving to marry non-Muslim men in droves and this is unfair. It’s simply not true. 54% of Muslims in this country are male, I then proceeded to show you that this statistic does not include a large number of permanent residents and illegals the vast majority of which (95%+) are males.

        Also, you have taken my plea for advice and comfort as a treatise on the state of muslim women in the west; although you may disagree with my statements concerning muslim-nonmuslim marriages etc, no one who comes to this website including myself first does an empirical study to confirm their own observations. My comments were a reflection of my life experience. I don't know what a British mijpuri (or whatever) is and i don't care.

        I think Muslims (male and female) should only marry Muslims. The two primary verses that discuss this in the Quran have conditions that can no longer apply because we don’t live in a society with slaves nor do Christians and Jews believe in One God without innovation or shirk
        1 2 3- Again I am using only the examples you showed me, the fact that unrealistic expectations exist that are due to non-Islamic traditions.

        1. I'm not looking for a wealthy 6'4" millionnaire/lawyer/doctor etc. And I don't know what you mean when you accuse me of "waiting for the man of my dreams to knock on my door." Since you have put it out there, can you give me specifics, again relating to my particiular situation and not to the women you may know who are my age. Thanks.
        2. I'm not looking for a desi/Pakistani/ etc
        3. yes, that is the best advice I got.
        4. Yes I "seriously could not find a single muslim guy in academics"; in fact, i did not come across any in the universities I attended, and I was in university for 8 years

        I didn’t mean to offend you with this one. But in my personal experience working on acquisitions of some South Asian companies, one of the first places we would go to were regional schools’ South Asian/Indic departments. The amount of diversity in the staff was profound, and usually who did these PhD students marry? Other PhD students. Again anecdotal, but my point was to find someone in your network. Surely there must have been an academic somewhere in your network. The demand for languages like Arabic, Farsi and Urdu have soared. I know in the Washington DC area, linguists and academics are in a demand that far exceeds their supply and universities are hiring like crazy. Surely there was no one? But that’s beside the point. The point is I am sure if you reach out and network, you can find someone just as you would for an academic or professional need.

        5. ""I find it hard to believe you could not by the age of 40 have the time to find a man? That’s unbelievable, and highly unlikely"" ARe you suggesting that I am lying, MA Khan? Whether you believe me or not is really not the issue. Furthermore, your comment is extremely condescending and is intended to make me feel worse than I am.
        I’m not suggesting you’re a liar and I didn’t mean to hurt you as much as wake you up and help you realize where [I think] you went wrong. You are reading my comments in isolation. I think this meek minded approach you took for 10-15 years while searching for a husband didn’t help you, you didn’t realize it didn’t help you for some reason, and lastly and most importantly I offered an example of Sunnah that stands in contrast to desi culture, the marriage of Syedna Khadija to The Propeht PBUH.

        6. I worked 80-100 hours/week for 5 years. Its terrific that YOU had oodles of time to find a spouse despite your long work hours. I am really happy for you but that is irrelevent to my experience, it really is. Furthermore, i was socialized to not look for a spouse. My parents frowned upon it

        Talking about offensive…;) I didn’t have ‘oodles’ of time. For your information there are only 168 hours in a week. The 68 hours I wasn’t working I was showering, getting ready for work, commuting or hating my life haha. It is VERY relevant your experience. You end your post with “! I spent many years focused on my career and on my parents, and missed out on the opportunity to be loved and to have a family of my own.” Again what you are projecting to readers is that your career was somehow an impdement in your getting married. I think the amount of hours and the stress of my job far overreaches many professionals, especially an academic who, although might have a lot of work, has a flexibile schedule where they don’t have to be an an office from 8-3am for 3 years straight. Again the image you are projecting to readers and about Muslims is that somehow a career and getting married can’t go hand in hand.
        Again your parents frowed on it. But refer to Prophet Khadija’s example; there’s nothing that prohibits you from doing it. You don’t seem to have been happy with this traiditon in retrospect and I don’t feel like you were happy with this in the long run. Did this help.

        7. I'm fairly ticked right now that you have the gall to say that "it is BS" that I make it sound like the state of unmarried women in America is a dire situation. First of all, I am not American (thank Goodness). Secondly, you really need to undestand something. When people are hurting, they reflect on their own experiences and their surroundings in order to (a) make sense of what has happened and (b) find a solution. It is in that context that people like myself come to this website, post their heartache, and ask for advice. Who are you to tell me that my observations and experiences are "BS"???? I know so many women my age, who have been raised here by immigrant parents, who would disagree with you. I am sure there are many younger men, who are cocky and arrogant, who would disagree with me, but that is really here nor there in terms why I said what I did, and the reasons for my post.

        1. You may not be a citizen of the United States and you may be of Canada, but for the sake of my arugment since you are in North America, I think most people would consider Canada in the socio-cultural “American” sphere. Come on, Canadians don't even have a distinct accent from the rest of the Americas XD

        Also excuse my language. The vast majority of people around me are men who are not married and in their mid to early 20s. I only tend to curse when I type, had I talked to you in person I would have never said that. Forgive me. The BS that I was referring to was NOT your experience, it was the image you project that somehow there is something wrong with Muslim men where you just can’t find a Muslim spouse, that Muslim men can marry non-Muslim women but Muslim women can’t, that Muslim women are in droves polygamous. It’s simply not true. Again I am not going to offer a counter anecdote and have you give me an anecdote or a realis “immigrant parents who would,” I offer you a study that completely negates your opinion and this FALSE image. There are far more Muslim men, and it is harder for us to find brides, more of us are left single. An analogy I would make about this false projection of Muslim men would be on a battlefield. You are a general:
        You have 54,000 soldiers
        Your foe (:P should I be using this word)has 46,000 soldiers
        Yet because of poor scouting your enemy thinks (s)he has 54 thousand soldiers when you have 46,000…he attacks defeated and is too demoralized to rally for another attack. This is sort of the same concept. Muslim women become demoralized at what they see if a projection of (poor)Muslim men who are short in supply which is simply not reflective of reality. There are good guys out there and plenty of them. Period.

        And finally, I don't know what you mean when you said that your friend was "risking the health of his future babies" by proposing to a woman who was 38. Are you serious? The risk of birth defects may go up after age 35, but it is minute -- it is an increase, but it is less than 1% by age 42. Women at age 38 have a 99.9% chance of having a healthy baby. By age 42, that chance goes down to about 97%.
        Again, please cite your studies. It is a little worrying that an academic would leave out sources. My father is a OBGYN of 33 years:
        “• Women under the age of 35 yrs old have about a 15% chance of miscarriage
        • Women who are 35-45 yrs old have a 20-35% chance of miscarriage
        • Women over the age of 45 can have up to a 50% chance of miscarriage”
        Source: http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/miscarriage.html
        I don't know how old you are, but really - I think you need to grow up a little and recognize that just because you worked at a "bulge bracket investment bank working 80-100 hours a week" doesn't make you qualified to pass judgement on, and critique, a situation you know nothing about.

        Uxti, I realize that there were a lot of personal anecdotes in there but my niyaa was not judgement. It’s just to show you that the road can go both ways, and that the reality is very different from what you say it is. Furthermore the concept of Sunna is something that gets completely ignored in our culture. I already discussed the possible way to approach a man, but this, doweries and other cultural nonsense are just impedements to the recognition of a good husband: honesty and a good character. My being an investment banker has nothing to do with marriage, it entitles me to nothing, what I said to you was from my heart and from my imperfect knowledge of deen. I let go of some akhlaq in the favor of putting out a response quicker.

        I'm sorry if my comment sounds defensive but your arrogance really ticked me off.

        Again apologies. I cannot dedicate =much more time to this topic as I have my own family to look after, but I am sorry if I came across as arrogant. People tend to say that I come across as ‘mean’ in emails, but when you type 40-60 a day, I think akhlaq takes a back burner.

        Again I wish you the best, very very sincerely. I hope you are more outgoing as far as networking.

        WS

      • And finally, I don't know what you mean when you said that your friend was "risking the health of his future babies" by proposing to a woman who was 38. Are you serious? The risk of birth defects may go up after age 35, but it is minute -- it is an increase, but it is less than 1% by age 42. Women at age 38 have a 99.9% chance of having a healthy baby. By age 42, that chance goes down to about 97%.

        This above post contains some errors .

        Most miscarriages occur in the first trimester for women of all ages. The risk of miscarriage increases with age. Studies suggest that about 10 percent of recognized pregnancies for women in their 20s end in miscarriage (1). The risk rises to (1):

        About 20 percent at ages 35 to 39
        About 35 percent at ages 40 to 44
        More than 50 percent by age 45
        The age-related increased risk of miscarriage is caused, at least in part, by increases in chromosomal abnormalities.

        • Subhan'Allah brother's what and who are you quoting pew reports and studies from whoever muslim man you were offended when i quote maya anglou well iam offended my theses pointless bogus statistics, i will give you a statistic most of my family and friends are having children well into their 40s and Allahamdulilaah their children have no health problems,and if they did then Allahamdulilaah as well.

          • Ok, seirously now, last post.
            1. You're confusing two posters posts and opinions. I have nothing wrong with your quoting Maya Angelou, I thought that was a beautiful quote, and I agree with your point that wisdom comes from all types of people.

            2. "Pointless bogus statistics"
            a. Not pointless.
            b. Not bogus. It completely downplays funding, collecting and constructing an independent study on Muslim Americans, that too in a nation where census' don't allow religious information, and that too with your claim void of any independent facts about its bogusnsess and why it shouldn't be believed.

            3. Again anecdotal evidence. The entire point of my thread. How could you just simply dismiss statistics representative of the entire female population based on a few of your friends. That anecdote also negates the fact that most cultural Muslim communities don't discuss miscarriages. In my case my mother miscarried between me and my little brother and I still don't think two of my siblings know about it.

            WS This is all besides the point. Read my posts and I again wish you the best of luck and hope you stop following an approach Precious that hasn't helped you, but instead to network and set realistic expectations

  17. Sister to just add. I give you again the anecdote of my mother. She was 42 and this was back in the 80s when she had me.
    Can you still get married? This is up to you. You seem like an intelligent woman and you are well spoken. The question is what route will you take to get there? The Islamic one or a cultural one? Funny thing is just as I finished typing my last post I got an email from a friend about a single muslim website off of an article I had posted on a mailing list. He is 28, never married, saw the character and beauty of a woman, divorced with two kids and was rejected by a 38 year old Afghan American for being "too young." He approached her against tradition and the fact he would risk his future babies health. Her profile is still up.

    Road goes both ways

    • Assalam O Alaikum brother M A Khan,
      I have deleted your earlier comments due to the link you posted which I found really racist and hateful. I must warn you that we don't allow any racist remarks against any person or a group of people from a particular background. I am talking about the video link that you provided, which is not appropriate for this forum and is more likely to start a negative debate here on this forum.

      Wasalam,
      Muhammad1982.

      Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

    • brother M K i did not say you disagreed with the quote muslim man did,

      how can you say that these statistics apply to muslim women in America sorry but i say bogus and highly unaccurate the whole nature of statistic are small sample's of people at any given time.

  18. WS Seriously? That post was like 8 times the size of these two posts combine and I think had a lot of guidance for Precious Star. If you found it racist, which I also thought it somewhat was, but appropriate for the sake of my point of most immigrants setting up business in a country being men, could you not just have removed the link and any corresponding racist information? Also please remove specific identifying information from my post.

    • I did find your comment interesting to read and I restored it, after removing the link. Thanks to Editor Muhammad for actually checking the link out, which I failed to do when I approved the comment the first time.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Yes seriously bro,
      I didn't only delete your post because it had a racist video; also you pasted your e-mail address (which I forgot to delete) which is against the forum policies (we don't allow mixing of gender for whatsoever reason). Also, look at the amount of generalisation you make brother, I do find your post helpful to some extent but you saying that immigrants come here and doing odd jobs legal/illegal is quite judgemental of yours bro. It's not something that surprised me as I see it a lot in our desi/Arab community (one's who settled here in good times) toward people who come here as students/worker or entrepreneur. I don't see any problem with that as that is how most immigrants of first generation of Asian/Arabs did. They also did odd jobs like working in factories, restaurants or chauffeuring etc etc. However, I do agree with you that a lot of those people coming now are not genuine and do engage in doughy activities(not acceptable at all) but we shouldn't generalise which is my point. Also, a point you made about men coming here who sponsor other men to come here and set-up; I don't see any problem with that. Man of the house as brother, son, father or husband is supposed to provide for their woman as daughter, sister, wife or mother. I personally won't be comfortable if my sister, daughter or wife goes out to earn living for my family. (It may be normal for many other men, in fact it's becoming a norm now but, it isn't normal for me or my family; sorry)There are so many other things I can discuss here but lack of time doesn't allow me to.
      I hope any of comments didn't offend you brother; I just wanted to tell you that their are two sides of coin and we have no right to judge people whom circumstances we are not aware off.

      Wassalam,
      Muhammad1982.

      Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

  19. Assalamualaikum,
    I am responding to this post after really long time and I hope that precious star is InshaAllah now out of that state. Dear precious star , I always read your comments and really feel enlightened and happy and always think how kind hearted you are .
    I can understand every bit of what you went through and how you felt.
    May I tell you a story too just to cheer you up thinking that Allah (swt) always has the best plans for us.
    Yesterday I went to see my cousin sister who is deaf mute. She was on a holiday to the country I live in. To start with I remember her old days when she was not married. She always used to look miserable seeing all the girls marry except her . She had 2 cousins deaf mute too. Her mother was ready to make her marry anyone of them but the guy cousins rejected her saying they would marry sOmeone normal.
    Years passed by and her family started thinking she would never marry as she is deaf mute. Then a military operation started in their town and they had to flee their homes to some other city. Their houses were demolished . And my dear sister see Allah(swt) plan. There in the other city sitting homeless some other people of the same city approached her family for marriage to their son who was a deaf mute too.
    Days passed and she married Allhamdullilah . Now she has a beatiful daughter and a loving family. She enjoys her life now so much that she forgot all the worries. And imagine what she said to me yesterday . She said everything is written by Allah . It's predestined , our Qadr. And I was so taken away by those words thinking MashaAllah what a strOng faith she has got.
    SO never lose hope and faith in Allah(swt). I too went through loads of turmoils and am going through now too but most of the things which I loved and didn't happen now I think it was the best that they didn't happen.
    SO cheer up, hold on to your prayers and bond with Allah(swt).
    I will hold you in my prayers inshallah .
    Take very good care of yourself .
    Masaalam

    • Dear Brother Muslim,

      Thank you so much for your comment and advice. It was very heart-warming. I have a few deaf-mute relatives in my parents' country; their lives never amounted to much - they were not treated lovingly, and are now living dark, sad lives. The story you have told about your relative is so beautiful, but it makes me sad when I think of my own deaf-mute relations.

      Of course, Allah is the best of planners and His timing is perfect. I can accept that intellectually but emotionally it is very difficult.

      Unfortunately I still struggle, but perhaps the intensity of the pain is diminishing slightly. I still believe there will come a day when Allah SWT will heal my broken heart, and my broken soul.

      Hearing from people like yourself reaffirms my faith that Allah delivers small mercies to us when we are struggling.

      • Dear Precious Star,
        I wish I can heal every one's pain. Dear sister don't be sad. I know how you feel. I dont agree with this one that if one didn't look probably that is why they sitting unmarried and sad. What if one have looked tried and still people reject them not because of the looks because of status then what. Overall, I believe we human makes mistakes but if one thing is written in our destiny it will come to us. If Allah's will we will get married even if we are not looking for any spouse. Allah(swt) says happen and things happen. Don't lose trust in Allah. Insha'Allah He will have something really good stored for you. I will pray for you. May Allah (swt) gives you ease in tough moment and a very nice loving religious spouse. Ameen
        You are a very strong woman. Always be like that and don't let anyone else hurt your feelings. People just put salt on the wounds because they don't understand the intensity of the pain of an individual. Nobody will come to wipe your tears. Only Allah and yourself. Therefore, sister always keep smiling even in bitter moments.

        • Again, I really hope I didn't hurt you or "put salt in your wounds" Precious. Like I said you sound like a well spoken and educated individual capable of immense independent thought and intellectual candor, that alone is extremely valuable and you surpass most women in that standard. My point was more closely following Sunnah and understanding the rationale behind all these actions, and why I feel like some cultural practices, like not approaching a man, have little to no precedence in Islam; you can approach a man and there's a system/methodology of doing it, ie a wali. I think it, along with other cultural practices makes a false stereotype and unrealistic expectations in the heads of women and demoralizes them during there run to "find the perfect man." I remember my very own sister going to a suitor's house with the family and EVERYONE clicked so well, both families thought, "this is the one," but my sister rejected it the next day because of the 'lack of confidence' and lack of physical stature of the suitor. I think she regretted that decision for a while although she is happy now.

          • Also when I say "set realistic expectations" it's not only for a suitor but also for a date for finding him. This may seem hurtful, but I don't think it is, but if Allah SWA decides who marries who, doesn't he decide who marries at all? Maybe not all of us were destined to be married and are better at living an independent life and contributing to society in other ways. Maybe some of us were destined to be with a guy 15 years younger, or a woman 15 years older. Only HE knows if this is in your Qudrat.

          • Please dont say that to her, Inshallah she WILL get married, no one in her situation wants to hear that and even reading I dont want that to be her fate, i can only imagine how she feels, although i'm alone now ive had children, yet as a woman i know exactly how she feels and she has such a kind and honest heart, she was raised right and a woman of such good upbringing deserves the best spouse in the world. We all should make an effort and collectively pray for her because they say that DUA CHANGES QADR.

            Dear Precious star I will pray that Allah delivers you a pious God fearing husband and may you have beautiful healthy children and live happily with them in this life and the hereafter Allahuma Ameen

      • Dearest precious star Assalamualaikum,
        i felt really good when i saw your reply. I am a girl . And i know how you feel . i have felt the same and i have gone through lots and am going through now too. but Allhamdullilah all these sufferings have brought me close to Allah and my Deen Allhamdullilah. and i hope the same goes for you.
        yes, it's really difficult emotionally at times. but we can think of others in bigger problems than us. even you are more lucky than me. i have to depend on others and your are Allhamdullilah independant.
        i am sure God has really good plans for you Inshallah.
        in the mean time i will pray for you, your relatives those you mentioned and all the muslim ummah Inshallah.
        i hope all this pain of you and me will fade away and we will be rewarded soon Inshallah.
        Take care,
        Massalaam

  20. Also to reclarify my point about Brits/Americans Mirpuris bla bla bla, this fasad of Wataniyah, Asabiyah is not to spread fitna wa fasad, it is just reflective of socio-economic realities in these countries. It is a lot harder to legally settle down in America due to visa grading and highly skilled labor consequently most Muslims in America tend to be educated which [I think] correlates to more awareness/knowledge about al-Islam.

    Allahu Alam

  21. Sister star i love this Maya Angelou Quote "A women's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her" this is to all my sisters who have not found mr right dont ever compromise your deen for a man you risk hurting your soul.

    • Thank you Zenaa. I agree with you.

    • Zenaa before quoting Maya Angelou statements , do you even know her personality completely .. May be this will give you a glimpse of her .

      Angelou's books, especially I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, have been criticized by many parents, causing their removal from school curricula and library shelves. According to the National Coalition Against Censorship, parents and schools have objected to Caged Bird's depictions of lesbianism, premarital cohabitation, pornography, and violence. Some have been critical of the book's sexually explicit scenes, use of language, and irreverent religious depictions(The above one you quoted looks like one of them ). Caged Bird appeared third on the American Library Association list of the 100 Most Frequently Challenged Books of 1990–2000. It was fifth on the ALA's list of the ten most challenged books of the 21st century (2000–2005), and was one of the ten books most frequently banned from high school and junior high school libraries and classrooms

      • looool muslim man and your point is? i also like confucius quotes winston chruchill quotes woody allan gots some that make me laugh, that does not make me chinese confucianis, old english conservative, or a new york jewish man,

        • I believe the point was that when we post things online you have to be aware that other people especially impressionable youth are reading and they could be taken back by what sounds and reads like a logical philosophical quote that happens to correlate to Islamic teachings, whereas the reality is that her books can be detrimental to such readers.

          With all due respect to Zeena, it may not effect you but have you read how many muslim people here seek advice on pre marital relationships, do they need more reference to misguidance or encouragement?
          If I were you I wouldnt want to have that on my head.

          Besides this Maya's quote is redundant claiming to have ones heart hidden in God so it can only be found with God by its seeker: It's a total contradiction to her beliefs that condone gay & lesbian relations. Just because she said something that makes sense and reads nicely, it still makes her a hypocrite when she believes in a God that tolerates gayness.

          If irreligious western parents have come together to remove the books from schools shouldn't we as a muslim ummah be one step ahead and racing them to protect our own children & impressionable adults?

          Yes growing up abroad is good and one become worldly or rather one should aim to get the best of both worlds. However whilst one gets exposed to a great deal of stimuli and by all means read, at the same time one should be awear of what example & what is set forth and also if not more important one ought to beinsightful enough to pickup on thought trends and how theirs an agenda to desensitize us; if people really thought that the war on Islam was just on the battle field then they should realise that theres a greater more dangerous war being spread through ideologies.

          Lets try to not be the bees that spread toxic pollen.

          • Sister "I submit", the quote itself was beautiful. To be fair, I don't think the majority of the readers of this website know about Maya Angelou's lesbian stuff until you and A Muslim Man posted the information. It was not necessary to go into detail about it. I myself read a lot, and have read some of her works, but I had no idea until I read your post. Like you said, so many young people come here for advice - why not let them read the quote and derive satisfaction from it? Why can't we let beauty remain where it is -- instead of tarnishing it.

            FYI, I have heard this SAME QUOTE uttered by so many muslims. I believe the original author is not Maya Angelou at all, but Rumi - a muslim sufi poet.

          • Not to deviate from the poster’s question but I feel this need to respond to the statement made both my A Muslim man and I submit to Allah since their point of views lack logical consistency.

            It does not matter where the quote “A women's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her" comes from as long as it does not contain any anti-Islamic messages (both implicitly and explicitly). This quote is open to subjective interpretation irrespective of who wrote it (Muslim or non-Muslim, Gay or Lesbian, Married or Single) and the purpose of a quote is exactly that: interpreting it as per your perspective versus facts which are argued as the truth.

            The argument of attacking the arguer (in this case the person who wrote the quote) instead of the argument (the quote) comes under the fallacy of red herring, specifically ad hominem.

            Of course it’s important to evaluate where information is coming from and from whom (are the credible or not) but if it’s an opinion as opposed to something factual then it is open to subjective interpretation. If the lady had stated this quote claiming it was a fact and had an anti-Islamic message attached to it, it would then become extremely important to ask for evidence as to where she got her information.

            To put it in a nutshell, the quote is a beautiful one and is quite insightful if pondered upon deeply; it’s irrelevant who it came from if you’re going to judge the quote based on the person who wrote it. The quote is not harmful in any way; in fact this lady is suggesting through this quote that God does exist so let’s judge the information presented in front of us first rather than the person who wrote it.

            And before anyone attacks me, yes I am a Muslim and do believe that: lesbianism, premarital cohabitation, pornography, and violence are haram and un-acceptable in Islam but that does not make this quote any less insightful because it is stated from a person who holds such views. The quote is an subjective statement that can be left for interpretation irrespective of who wrote it so long as it is not stated as a fact (the truth) and does not contain any anti-Islamic views.

            Apologies for deviating away from the poster’s initial question.

            -Helping Sister

          • Lets try to not be the bees that spread toxic pollen . Nicely said

            Thank you , I submit to Allah for clarifying my point . I must also add that , we(muslims) have a rich religion filled with great muslim personalities . Rather than wasting my time in reading the lives of these morally corrupted people , I would definitely prefer to invest my time in something productive .

    • Precious and Helping sis

      All good said and done but lets be factual here.

      Zeena said and I quote "Sister star i love this Maya Angelou Quote "A women's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her" this is to all my sisters who have not found mr right dont ever compromise your deen for a man you risk hurting your soul."

      So as you see, the quote wasn't just solely mentioned, the author was too.
      And THIS is where my objection comes from.

      Ill give you an example using myself: if it were me having read such a lovely quote, as I previously mentioned the quote does reads so well, I would have immediately looked up Maya Angelou and purchased all her books.
      Can you deny that this could also be the case with many other people whom also find the quote enticing here in the forum?

      The fact is that I am familar with the book, ive seen it reviewed on Oprah.
      The culmination of Maya's age,silver hair and wise looking eyes coupled with her warm "Momma loves ya'll" demeanor, lead me to assume she actually had wise words to impart.
      However, when I received "The caged bird" and even before I even delved into the books content I read her gay lesbian views which were so obvious I recall. This completely opposed my expectation that a woman of her age should have been pushing conservatism and sound ethical morals, something expected of her generation, she was pedaling gayness.
      I mistakenly assumed that her writings would impart sound ethical offering slightly similar to ours as muslims, but I was shocked at the controversy of her views. (which i personally don't think is an accident)

      Impressionable adults or the youth may not find her gay acceptance shocking.
      These poor kids are having a hard time as it is maintaining their muslim identity in a world full of fitan. They don't really need to be exposed to perversion portrayed as the norm, because over time it WILL have a desensitizing effect, if it hasnt already.
      If we all continue with this a tunnel vision philosophy and take into consideration only of ourselves without hinderance to how our words can affect others, is a catastrophe.

      Horses wear blinders, we don't.

      I've mentioned it before in another post, everything we say and do has whats called a butterfly or ricochet effect, we shouldn't be starting ripples in other peoples lives, because one or two more generations down the line you will find that these ripples will have grown into tidal waves and tsunamis that will drown whats left of our islamic identity.

      So yes the quote reads beautifully and you would expect that someone who would say that would have morals and ethics to match; sadly she doesn't. The woman is a walking controversy!

      Poison darts often are tipped with sweet smelling toxins, lets be carefull where we 'accidentally' point that thing, it may not harm you but it could mortally maim others down the road
      I personally wouldn't want to have myself held accountable on the day of judgement because something i said or did happened to diluted someone else's faith.
      As Muslims we are supposed to do the opposite and that is why we are on earth.

      • MashAllah, I submit to Allah . Very logical and comprehensive post .

        • I submit to Allah,

          I was actually being factual with pointing how illogical your and a Muslim man’s train of thought is on a mere quote but I assume you took whatever I said as a pinch of salt. And because I feel that other people who are truly in need and constantly writing on IA deserve our help, this will by my last reply to you inshAllah. I do however appreciate the healthy debate we’ve had and I hope that something good out of this has been produced for other readers: use a critical eye when reading other’s work but never judge the arguer rather than the argument (so long as the argument is not racist, discriminative, going against one’s religion, etc).

          Coming down to what you've written :

          You write:

          “Ill give you an example using myself: if it were me having read such a lovely quote, as I previously mentioned the quote does reads so well, I would have immediately looked up Maya Angelou and purchased all her books.”

          You further go on to state:


          “However, when I received "The caged bird" and even before I even delved into the books content I read her gay lesbian views which were so obvious I recall. This completely opposed my expectation that a woman of her age should have been pushing conservatism and sound ethical morals, something expected of her generation, she was pedaling gayness.”

          Firstly, I’m assuming based on the first quotation that you probably have a house that is synonymous to a book store as every insightful quote you read you decide to purchase all of the books from that author (as implied in that statement).

          Secondly, (in regards to your second quotation) mashAllah I’m glad to see that you have a curiosity to dig deep in regards to what you’re reading and question where the content has come from, but to assume implicitly that others from our Muslim community do not have same capacity is incorrect. You are assuming that they lack critical judgment and so we should take away any source of fitnah from them, as if they cannot fight against it and overcome it. My dear sis, there was fitnah in the time of Adam (A.S.) and there will be fitnah till the Day of Judgment—we cannot eliminate it. Rather then trying to remove it (as it’s impossible to do) do you not believe that we should instead educate our Ummah to think as beautifully and critical as you do? I’m not saying that let’s increase fitnah or let it be, instead what I’m inferring is that we need to learn how to deal with it and decrease it through productive ways –this is a complete new discussion of an itself.

          Lastly, if your train of thought which is, “Do not accept this information as Person A who holds these (___) views wrote it”, is applied in every situation we’d be in a jiffy. Many of the educational cartoons children view, the jobs we have, even the Western nations many of us live in have an underlying anti-Islamic perception and suffer from what we call Islamophobia. Does this mean that we should leave all these things because many of the people who or producing these shows or are allowing us to live in their country are Anti-Islamists? It would become extremely problematic dear sis if your train of thought is applied universally. I think a better solution is to learn to pick up the good from people irrespective of who they are and to not let the negativity they spread affect us, inshAllah. The only way this can be done is if we increase our Islamic knowledge (instead of trying to take away every source of fitnah which is impractical) and are taught to analyze this world through a practical lens.

          -Helping Sister

          • Helping Sis

            You wrote "to assume implicitly that others from our Muslim community do not have same capacity is incorrect. You are assuming that they lack critical judgment and so we should take away any source of fitnah from them, as if they cannot fight against it and overcome it."

            I guess you too missed the partS whereby I specifically mention which demography I believe and continue to believe is being effected?

            Ive responded below to Zeena and you too will find answers to the points youve raised. Its a longish post but you will find answers to Who and How

            I dont know why you brought up Islamaphobia when im talking about thought trends and the responsibility of what we pass on.
            But since you have mentioned Islamaphobia in the west, know that its infiltrated Muslim countries too and were accepting this demonization or apologetically tolerating it as though we have something to be ashamed of. Which is a joke when everyone knows that this so called 9/11 was inside job. Michal Moore emphasized that, since you brought up this issue why dont you look up Webster Tarpley for more insight about why you suffer islamaphobia.

      • I submit, and muslim man (wow) iam sorry if i offended you guys, who knew a quote could cause the moral decay of the muslim youth of today, and that their deen was so fragile,,,, i think we should burn all books just in case are youth get effected and led astray,??? where shall we hold this big inferno mmmmm and everyone bring a book, the first to go can be Maya Angelou's i will bring them.

      • Sister,Butterfly effect What does are deen say about such a theory?????? nit picking sorry could not help it.

        • i really iam sorry now iam just being flippant

          • Open-

            Sister Zeena , no worries you couldn't offend me even if you tried

            You haven't yet asked yourself if there is at least one person whom having read the quote and the unsavory authors name wouldn't probably be enticed to buy the book.
            If you answer No, then please don't bother reading the rest of my post; it would be a lost cause.
            If, however you considered that Yes, there may well be at least one person whom would possibly be interested in buying this lesbian lovers book, then by all means read on..

            The Butterfly effect is not mentioned in name in our deen per sey, but you recognise the pattern or link when you comprehend with an open mind.

            ill elaborate what the butterfly effect is:-

            In chaos theory, the butterfly effect is the sensitive dependence on initial conditions; where a small change at one place in a nonlinear system can result in large differences to a later state. For example, the presence or absence of a butterfly flapping its wings could lead to creation or absence of a hurricane.
            Although the butterfly effect may appear to be an esoteric and unusual behavior, it is exhibited by very simple system: for example, a ball placed at the crest of a hill might roll into any of several valleys depending on slight differences in initial position, on in this debate it may gather many layers , or a larger number of readers.
            If it makes it more palatable for you imagine a nice cushy snow ball getting bigger and bigger as it hurtles DOWNhill.

            Heres a flash intro to further explain the Butterfly effect.
            http://www.butterflyeffectbook.com/
            (nb im not condoning the book on this site, as i havent read it, im just using the flash intro as an example to point out how every actions results with a reaction.)

            The Butterfly Effect emphasizes just that; how our everyday actions (and words, and cites) can make a difference for generations to come. Every decision and action you make in life matters.
            What you find as unimportant regarding a quote and reference, im pointing to dilemma beyond that.

            If you actually believe that the muslim resolve of the youth of today is strong, then we must live on different planets.
            According to your rhubarb you claimed "who knew a quote could cause the moral decay of the muslim youth of today, and that their deen was so fragile"
            With all due respect i'm lead to believe that you're either very young or somewhat detached from reality.

            The fact is, YES the deen of todays youth is deteriorating and can be described as fragile. They are extremely impresionable and they don't need more encouragement, or lets call it more diversion and negative stimuli.
            Right here, in this forum, have you read the boyfriend/ girlfriend relationship complaints? Have you noticed that pre marital relationships are discussed more than legitimate halal relationships.
            Im suggesting you & anyone reading ask yourself to describe what and how such unions are becoming the norm, and then tell me such stimuli does not have a detrimental effect on the fabric of morality.
            Take a look at everyday life haven't you seen how girls are pretending to be good muslimas infront of their family while they lead double lifes, haven't you seen how boys are behaving?

            Once an impressionable or young person gets exposed to too much nefarious material BEFORE they are properly primed (are islamically immune to external ideologies) then you can be assured that they will be effected incrementally or obviously.

            If you feel that this has nothing to do with everything the media emits; from shows like s*x and the city to cleverly packaged books to even cartoon network, which is dishing out its fair share of moral decay with shows that either promote boyfriend girlfriend mentality or more detrimental shows like 'cow and chicken' where they depict a devil whom walks on its naked bare bottom, whos personality is portrayed as a cute and misunderstood friend...You know why? So when parents like myself teach my children to say Aouthu billah min alshaitan and tell my kids that dont do so and so this is the way of shaitan, todays kids have a visual that shaitan isnt so bad, hes actually fun, its our parents whom dont get it.

            Why is this happening? The first thing i can say is Politics anyone? Failing economies?
            We are dealing with the most sophisticated and intellectual system and Islam is its enemy.
            Such battles are calculatingly planed to manipulate generations and we like sitting ducks are being moulded like putty in their hands and I hate nothing more than an ignorant well educated muslim, no offense.

            You know how Muslim Spain ishbillia was brought down?
            The warring king sent a spy to check on social climate and he found two boys, one was crying and when he asked why are you crying, the boy replied because I didnt get the bulls eye. He returned to inform his king that now was not the time to attack. Years later they sent the spy back and again he found a boy crying and when he asked, this boy said because my love has left me. Needless to say he went back and said NOW is the time to attack, which they did...and they still are..
            Theres nothing more easier to control than a society with gender issues etc etc etc.

            Back to my point...
            It is a fact that thought trends are the reason behind the gradual and systematic demise of any sound social climate.

            The book you blindly defend is nothing, its just one of many of these marketed stimuli. I am referring to something deeper.
            And I want to ask why is it that observant astute American mothers lobbied to have it removed from the reach of their children.
            Why do we not learn? Why can we not lead? Why is it that well read' muslims, lap up ostentatious ideologies and not notice the difference?

            As Muslims we are taught to see right through that. As educated Muslims arent we supposed to pick up on it even faster than others?

            As i type this, In an Arabic country, they house ivy league universities, and in one of them, in the freshman year, they teach a mandatory class "The Problem With God"

            Guess what missy? Much like yourself: None of the students had a plausible problem with it.
            I dont know about you, but these are students were born into a conservatory Muslim community. Their parents didn't and still don't know whats going on.
            The reason the kids had no problem with it, is because they, much like todays muslim generation, have been desensitized to such stimuli being a threat to their deen.
            Or worse they feel it's 'uncool' to say they don't like it, to say what the American women said "We dont want this particular book" or better yet "Hey we dont have a problem with God"
            And oh yes, like Maya's book, cleverly written this book also had controversial material, something to suit us, something that doesnt and this is EXACTLY the way they creep in with moral decay...incrementally.

            If you still differ, then by all means , quote Nietzsche and while you're at it maybe you can find a quote in Sulieman Rushides satanic verses to tickle your fancy!

            My advise to all is open both eyes...the dajjal has one eye & guess what? Many of his followers will be one eyed muslim, they will have been so desensitized that they wont recognize whats hitting them.

            As ive previously mentioned, and I dont really like repeating myself but it seems you havent read or understood my point & usually I wouldnt respond to a incoherent rant but im writing this for the other readers too.

            Im not suggesting you burn books, I don't know where you get off insinuating that i'm suggesting anything remotely barbaric as that.
            Might i remind you that the first word asked of Prophet Mohammed to recite was IQRA - READ.
            As MM said, choose what you read and be super careful what you post for others to research. Be awear of everything most of all Allah whom you will be held accountable infront of Allah swt

            There is so much enlightening books about islamic personalities to be inspired from. They not just inspire they immunize you to desensitization.

            Now that ive explained how the butterfly effect can affect on our deen, once you are able to correlate the two, then understand the following hadith with that theory in mind:-

            The Holy Prophet (SAWS) said, “Man is influenced by the faith of his friends. Therefore, be careful of whom you associate with.”

    • I think that's enough conversation about a single quotation from a book. Let's move on to something more productive Insha'Allah.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Brother wael can just say a few things to sister i submit, first of all iam 30 years born in the west, married with kids i no what you mean by media effecting are young as a muslim mother i do not allow a TV in my household i home school my sons at the moment (that might change) if i can get them i a islamic school, Allah has given me theses children and they are precious to me so i will with Allah's help guide them the best way i no how, so i wont expose them to what ever rubbish cartoon is in at the moment or which super hero is on all the tee shirts or hats, as a parent its mine and my husbands choice what they get expose to and insha'Allah when they are old enough to go out on their own they will no right from wrong thas all i can do for them, and as for all the maya angelou gay stuff the first i heard about it was from you and muslim man. you see oprahs book club mean's Nothing to me and insha'Allah it will mean Nothing to my kids to.

  22. I agree big time Zeena, as a born and raised American of Pakistani descent I am so greatful for my upbringin and heritage, which at times I would reject. The fact that someone would not accept me for it, even if I loved them, is ultimately hurtful, and from the POV of a spouse, incompatible.

  23. Again Please delete the "University of..." part TMI. Also you missed my point AGAIN Muhammad. I am saying that the laws of the UK make it such that they CURRENTLY tend to attract a relatively unskilled labor population from the mulsim world in comparison to the US. That combined with socialism leads to a ghettozation and lack of progress among themselves. I brought up all men working not to prove anything was wrong with it, but that there is additional evidence to that 54% that suggests there is a considerably LARGER number of unwed Muslim man than their are Muslim women in the US

    This is all apart from the point I am trying to prove.

  24. Apart from Precious, if anyone can show me a population with as much economic, social and ethnic diversity as representative as in the nation its in, and a low divorce rate, indicative of marital happiness, lower than Muslim's I will digress from my point of criticizing "Muslim men, Muslim women have so and so problem and are terrible spouses." Since we're all using anecdotes I can give the anecdote of my own parents, or in my own life seeing Italins, Irish, Asians, Indians Europeans, Hispanics and knowing that there is really NO parallel for the love a Muslim man has for his wife and vice versa.Subhanallah. It is really without bound.

  25. This post has received over 100 responses and is now closed. Thanks to all who responded.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor