Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Pregnant by muslim man

depressed pregnant women 207x300 %photo

I am christian woman, living in canada I have 1 daughter from a previous relationship, Never married.. I started dating a muslim man almost a year ago and I am currently 6 months pregnant with his baby (a boy) and the father has wanted me to get an abortion but It's way too late for that.

He is worried, stressed out and says his parents wont let us be together or they will make it impossible because I already have a daughter and I am currently pregnant because its against his religion and that he will get kicked out of home, lose his family etc. He said he wants to get married, If I were to convert to islam, would his parents still be against us being together? would they allow us to get married? We really do love eachother.

And I do know it is a sin to have relations without being married, I really am sorry.. No one is perfect but I've asked God to forgive me so many times and I've asked God to forgive me too because I've thought about abortion but I believe a baby is a blessing and it has no fault for what me and his father have done. Its a helpless and innocent and pure little life. I was not aware of anything about my boyfriends religion or anything. Until I recently started reading about it & did some research.

What can I do? Please help icon sad %photo

~mRiv09


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25 Responses »

  1. mRiv09,

    You are right: your unborn child is helpless, innocent and pure and is not to blame at all. Whatever you do, DO NOT abort your child, 6 months is way too late. Abortion at 6 months would not only be a sin in the eyes of God, it would also be murder, because the baby is alive, it has a soul and a little heart and it can feel.

    The best way to salvage this situation is that you accept Islam wholeheartedly and that the father of the child marries you. If you accept Islam, you will be accepting that there is only One God and that there is none other like Him. Furthermore that all the Prophets from Adam and till Muhammed, including Abraham, Moses and Jesus and many more were all human messengers sent by God to guide us to the straight way.

    If you accept Islam, will this man marry you? He does not need the permission of his family to do this. Although it would be nice for him to have their blessings. I can understand he must be under pressure from his family. Most probably, as far as he was concerned, he was just dating you and did not intend to marry you, although dating in Islam is a very big sin. Now that you are in this situation you can probably understand some of the logic behind this.

    I recommend that you start looking into Islam with a view to converting immediately. If you convert, all your past sins will be forgiven straightaway and you will have a clean slate. Also, this man will have no reason not to marry you, regardless of what his parents say. If he takes on his responsibilities, hopefully he will do his best to convince his parents too.

    If he does not agree to marry you straightaway, I urge you to stop having relations with him but to continue learning about Islam with a view to converting. The problem is that this man is far from his faith but now that he has made a mistake, he is hiding behing his family and behind his misunderstanding of Islam to cover himself. And this is such a big shame - why? Because Islam is such a Beautiful, Merciful and Just faith. If only he shared the message with you.

    So for your own sake Sister, be upfront with him. Tell him that you will never abort your baby at this stage, it would be considered murder Islamically. Tell him that you want to learn about Islam with a view to accepting it and that you want then to marry him. This is the best thing for both your children. This may cause problems with the parents, but hopefull with time they will accept you both. Otherwise you want to break this relationship.

    If you want us to write to the father of your unborn child, let us know and we will do this. Hopefully he will support you. Also, if you want us to help you learn about Islam, we will help you.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Krystal, please log in and write your question as a separate post, and we'll advise you. It may seem like a lot to type but try to summarize it in four or five paragraphs.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Thank you very much for your words, it would be very hard if we were to have to seperate over this.. well for me. I want him to be there for our son and raise him too.
    I'd be so sad if my son were to grow up without his father!
    & I would love to continue learning more about the Islam religion, I'm just not sure where to start.. ?

    I know my unborn baby's father is afraid to tell his parents about me being pregnant, would I be wrong if I were to contact them or even go tell them in person if he doesn't? Would it be the right thing to do?

    After all they are the grandparents right?

    • I don't think it will do any good for you to turn up on their doorstep and announce that you are carrying their grandchild. That may drive them a little mad to say the least.

      Sister - first things first. Put it very simply to this man, something like this: 'I want to learn about Islam sincerely with a view to becoming a Muslim. I also want to know will you marry me? I know it will be difficult to tell your parents, but it has to be done at some point. I cannot live like this in sin or in secret anymore. Can you speak to an Imam to help you break it to them?'

      But ultimately, he has to find the drive to tell his parents. One thing I do know is that, that if you continue allowing him to visit you and have relations with you, he will always remain quiet and will have no motivation to tell his parents or to marry you.

      I have some simple leaflets on Islam. I don't know how to attach them here so I am going to email them to you. Let me know what you think (please keep contacting us insha'Allah). And if the father of your child is willing to take advice from us here, let us know and we will communicate with him too insha'Allah. Also, if you live in the UK, please let me know too, as I may be able to put you in touch with some Imams who can help you both.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. mRiv09
    I actually know someone who has previously been in the same position. However, after converting to Islam the young lady got married, had her child and then her and her husband went to his parents' house and confessed everything. After seeing their grandchild they could no longer find it in them to possibly hold a grudge whatsoever.
    I completely agree with SisterZ and all she has advised. I also respect the way in which you are trying to discover more about Islam. To be honest, read into Islam about whatever subject matters come into your mind.
    I really hope this helps you and please do let us know how things work out.
    Take care.

  4. May Allah guide you to the right path. I hope he will be a real man and take the responsibility and not leave you like what my father did to my mother. I really wish the best for you. But whatever happens, you worry about yourself and your kids. Learn from this and don't put yourself in the same situation. It is not easy raising kids on your own, I sincerely hope this guy is a real man and really loves and cares for you. Please my dear, SET THINGS STRAIGHT with him, make it clear to him that you are not going to kill this innocent child and he is not touching you until he marries you.. Please do it for yourself and your baby. Don't let men take advantage. Be strong, you are stronger than you think. Tell him these words ' Fear Allah, the One who created you and me, we have put ourselves in this situation and now we have a child together, a baby that is apart of you and me, I am willing to learn about islam and sincerely embrace it and raise my child as a muslim and teach him/her not to commit the sins we have comitted. This is your child too, its your responsibilty. We need to do this together'

    Whatever happens, be strong, be a muslim and follow the limits set out by islam. If we all did. We wouldn't have been in this situation. Take my word, you will be happy and there's nothing in this world that you would do to give up islam. It really guides you to the right path.

    • Thank you but me and him are no longer going to be together.. I'm going to be strong for my children. I know it might not be the best thing to do but I am going to contact his family as well so they know they are going to have a grandchild. The father of my son told me he is moving away with his family and i think the best thing is for him to at least be a man and come clean with them as well. It doesnt seem right that I would have to face this alone as if I was the one who did this to myself, he is as much as responsible as i am.. Am I right? He told me he would never tell his family and he does not want me to tell our son who his father is when he is older cause he doesnt want him to hate him.. That for me is impossible. I feel such betrayal, anger and disappointment towards him, If he would of told me from the beginning that me and him wouldn't be possible in the future I would of let him go a long time ago.

      I'm not contacting his family to get back at him or anything, I just believe they need to know & If they want to be involved in my childs life they are more than welcome.
      But i will not keep my baby a secret, he is the innocent one in all of this and i think he deserves to be loved even if it's by them.

      • Dear mRiv09,

        As you i was dating for several years a Muslim guy from Saudi Arabia... When we discovered about the pregnancy we were shocked and of course his first words was "I'm not prepared to be a father, we are going to have children when we are ready, we need to have an abortion" i refused and he stayed with me the first four months of my pregnancy... Everything seems well by that time until he decided to "visit" his country and not contacted me at all... i was devastated, asking myself where were him? why he was doing all that to me and all what he did was replying some text or some mails saying "i need time to take a decision, in that way i won't regret it later" but guess what after 2 months he sent to me a text saying "i can't handle this anymore, we are over" by that time i feel devastated, i was crying and i couldn't believe what he was doing to me. However, i continued facing life without his emotional or financial support, and few weeks ago i gave birth a beautiful baby boy, his father is in US now but in other state and he has not showing any respect for his son. I got his home information but i'm so confused and wondering whether or not to let his family know about my son (because i do believe he has the right to be knowing why his father family even if they choose not to be in my son life) and other times i think i need to move on with my child who will give me the courage to face life.

        There is billions of girls out there in the exactly same situation than us (from many different countries) if you like to get some support or talk with someone in the same situation you can join us in the follwing pages http://abandonedchildrenbytheirsaudifather.blogspot.com/ or http://saudichildrenleftbehind.blogspot.com/

        I revert to Islam, not because my boyfriend or to marry him. I did that because i had that feeling inside my heart and my son is going to be raise as a good Muslim (Inshallah).

        Best wishes for you.

        • It is unbelievable how many men do this.. I am determined to let his family and friends know he is going to be a father. He may get furious with me, not sure how his parents will take it but I need to do what I think is right. All I want to do is cry but I'm doing my best and trying to be strong for my baby. I feel so alone but I know God is always with me and will give me the strength I need to continue on. I just hope his parents will listen and be a little understanding. If they dont accept the baby even after everything is said, that's ok.. My baby will always have me, his big sister and my family to love him. I feel i need to get it all out and off my chest.

          • Outside there are many different stories and i feel you because i went through the same as you.... if you want to talk or share your feelings i'll be there for you. And take out all you feelings because it's not good to keep them inside your heart.

            May God bless you and your children.

          • Dear mRiv09,

            I am sorry that the father of your child has decided to take the cowardly way out. I pray Allah gives you the strength to care for and to raise your child well. This is one of the unfortunate reasons why Allah has put limits on the way we mix with the opposite sex. It is only ever right to have sexual and initimate relations with a man after he has committed to you through marriage.

            I pray that Allah fills your heart with the truth and makes your child a blessing for you in both this life and the next. May Allah also guide the father of your child to the right way.

            SisterZ
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • I have been praying for guidance and I beleive I was meant to come across this page, the first one I looked at. Reading your story was like reading my own - I am currently in the exact situation as you almost to the T. The only difference is that I have recently converted to Islam, my partner and I went to get married last year but there were some documents I needed translating - his view was that it was ok to have sexual relations cos Allah knew that we had intended to marry. I am now pregnant 9 weeks and he has told me that I must have an abortion!! If I do not he will have nothing to do with me, he is not ready now and has not told his family about me. He told me we can still get married but only if I have the abortion. I booked in to have the abortion for him but can not do it - my head is full of confusion - I don't beleive in abortion and beleive that Allah/God will provide for me with or without the father - the only problem would be dealing with society, who regardless of religion can still be very judemental. Please feel free to email me

        • Dear Angela,

          Maasha'Allah on accepting Islam. I am sorry for the way this man has treated you. You are a new Muslim but are more Muslim than the father of your unborn child. Abortion is haraam, so don't sin anymore by aborting your baby. Make a fresh start, with or without this man in your life.

          Repent sincerely and raise your baby as a true good Muslim. Insha'Allah you will be blessed with a husband who is a real Muslim, aameen.

          SisterZ
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • No man is worth sacrificing your child, if he loves you.. he will love the child as well and accept it and protect it no matter what. Your baby is a blessing, so many babies are aborted every year. It's something I could never do, my heart would not allow it. I understand if some women have a risk of death and have to but if you can carry it without any problems then by all means have your baby!. A while ago we thought I was pregnant but he said he would be happy if we had one, turned out I wasn't so everything was okay but now that I am he was okay with it at first but after 6 months he decided to back out and seems like he's making excuses after excuses. Be strong for your baby, confront him and stand up to him. He needs to be a man, I know it will be hard but trust me. Nothing is worth giving up your child, it carries your blood & even if that means not having his or her father in its life, it will have you! I am currently trying to figure out how exactly I am going to tell his family.. when he is not around them so he can't avoid me talking to them etc. If you need someone to talk to or need a friend, I am always here for you. God bless you & your baby!

          • Salaams mRiv09,

            I noticed you submitted a new post as you want to figure out how to tell your ex's parents about your 'baby'. But it'll be about a month and half before it gets published due to the long queues. So you may aswell ask the question on this thread (seeing as its yours and on the same topic) and inshaAllah someone will help you figure out a way here :O).

            SisterZ
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  5. Yeh you Should let his parents know about this. He should be responsible for what he did nd must complete whAt he started.it is completely haram to have sex outside marriage in Islam not to talk of Impregnanting! Subhanalillah! Well according to Islam, he should be responsible for the child financialy, ur only job is to take care of the child and bring her up Islamically which he suppose To guide you through but unfortunately he's a coward and non-ambassador of Islam. HE IS NOT SUPPOSE TO RUN AWAY and leave you in pain. Why did he do it if he knew it was wrong? I think you should read more about Islam and InshaAllah Allah will guide you. You shall see wonders when you do so.

  6. Yes i agree you should tell his family and he should take responsibility ...................I am in the same situation only i am living and working in a gulf country...my partner ran away from me at first through fear and confusion .... lucky a good friend of mine has brought him back to reality and tomorrow we will discuss what to do next............I am converting too......i have lived in a Muslim community for many years and i respect the morals of Islam.........

    You did not commit a sin I don't think that god will see it this way , sometimes things in life happen and we have to deal with it in the best way we know .... and a child is a blessing a gift ......... He is committing the sin by walking away.....he is the one who will never be able to live with himself ........

    I think you should talk about your feelings and share with others its important to get support ................

    God bless you and your children may you have a wonderful life

  7. I have been praying for guidance and I beleive I was meant to come across this page, the first one I looked at. Reading your story was like reading my own - I am currently in the exact situation as you almost to the T. The only difference is that I have recently converted to Islam, my partner and I went to get married last year but there were some documents I needed translating - his view was that it was ok to have sexual relations cos Allah knew that we had intended to marry. I am now pregnant 9 weeks and he has told me that I must have an abortion!! If I do not he will have nothing to do with me, he is not ready now and has not told his family about me. He told me we can still get married but only if I have the abortion. I booked in to have the abortion for him but can not do it - my head is full of confusion - I don't beleive in abortion and beleive that Allah/God will provide for me with or without the father - the only problem would be dealing with society, who regardless of religion can still be very judemental. Please feel free to email me

    • Hi Angela,

      As-salam alaikom, I went through this situation and my son is just one month old. I can imagine the heart ache he caused you... I don't know why the say exactly the same "i'm not ready, have and abortion and we will be together if you don't they just run away." Because of that I opened a blog and there is a article about abortion in Islam, if you are interested to read it or have a friend contact me in this page http://abandonedchildrenbytheirsaudifather.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2012-02-11T23:12:00-08:00&max-results=7 ... It always good to share experiences with people who went or are going through this.

      xoxo

      • Walaikum salaam Sister Maria,

        I wanted to say "congratulations" on having a healthy baby boy. Many people cannot conceive a child and so, be rest assured that from your trials, being a mother will be a blessing for the rest of your life.

        Btw, have you contacted the father's family, yet?

        • Salam Alaikum Brother,

          Thanks a lot for you words... Being a mother is the biggest and greatest blessing ever, Masha'Allah :) .... I didn't contact his family yet :/ i'm not sure what to do because i have heard so many different stories that i don't want something bad happens to my beloved son. what would be the right to do? ...

          blessings

  8. Does anyone know how to write in Urdu or punjabi? I've decided to let his family know by writing a letter.. I just need help translating.? Thank youu & God bless.

  9. The Prophet Muhammad PBUH once said "Those who imitate the actions of disbelievers are among them" These men are not fullfilling their obligation to Allah and their children/wives by trying to kill them 6 months into the pregnancy. Unlike Maria's situation where the father is in another country, Rivera I would say you approach the child's father's parents. Call their home (yellow pages) or visit there house at an appropriate, time alone if you can, at a time that others wont be around (ie a Sunday afternoon) and approach them very calmly. Ask them if they have a moment to talk about their son and let them know the situation. While this site often shows the experiences turning out negatively there have been stories on here of the parents calmly accepting the situation, offering support and getting the spouses married.

    Do NOT abort the baby or accept Islam to just get married. You will be no better than this man who says he is Muslim but goes out to fornicate, tells his spouse to kill his child and then tries to cover it from his parents. Remind him to Fear Allah SWT

  10. Thanks Maria, I have emailed you, hope to hear back from you soon

    & Normal poster, I live about 3-4 hours away from his family.. they live in another city, I've never gone to his house before but he has given me his address before two times when I had to send him something. The ride there is very bumpy, I only know because my sister lives about an hour away from the city he lives in and at 7 in a half months pregnant, my doctor recommends me not to travel sitting for that long. I don't want to wait for my baby to be born to let them know but of course I'm going to speak with them also over the phone. I hope to God they will accept and understand & see past the whole situation and be involved in their grandsons life. I've made alot of mistakes but I know I'm not perfect, nobody is.

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