Since I quit my job, he doesn’t like me
We are a long-distance relationship couple for almost 3 years. We have a son, and he is with me. My husband stays with his parents while I'm away. 3 months ago I quit my job and came back to my hometown and he did the same. Util now, he is stilll staying with his parents while my son and me stay with my parents. His reason for not letting me stay with him is that he is afraid that I will have misundestandings with my in-laws (arguments).
The way he treated me after I quit my job was totally different. No more jokes. No more laughing. No more chatting. He even hardly looked at my face. It feels like he hates me a lot because I quit my job, and this is a burden to him. I tried to talk to him a lot about this, but he avoided it by telling me this is not the right time to talk about our relationship.
The most important thing right now is that he looking for extra money to pay our debts. It really make me sad, as he showed me that this is my fault that he changed. He told me he accepts the reality, but the way he responds is the opposite. Please help me solve this problem. Is me getting a new job the only way? Only then will he go back to himself? Or is it that before this he did not love me for who I am?
-nurulhuda
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Dear Sister Nurul Huda. Please read carefully,
You know what! people are sometimes greedy. I am sorry to say but in your case Allaah Knows the Best. But according to my analysis it is the second case. He had never loved you (Please don't cry okay). I know it is hard to digest but it is a fact. And sister I really feel the condition you are going through. The only thing is that if he had loved you for the sake of Allaah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) then he should had accepted you in whatever your condition was.
You get it. This is the way it is. I can guess he is not a practicing Muslim. Does he pray 5 times a day. I guess not. Even if he does. Then it is his part to cover the financial part not you. Because if he was practicing the teachings of Islam in his life then he should have known how husband and wife relationship work.
It seems that he is either some kind of a psychological patient or like that. I mean he is living with his parents and he is so afraid to earn the bread and butter for his self. And he is blaming on you. How ignorant. Allaah!
Ina lil lahe waina elahe rajeoun!
Sister in this life you will face difficulties but it is not like you always have to face difficulties. So, you need to find solutions for your problems okay. Now if even you earned a new job I can say yes he will go back to his own artificial self and portray that he loves you and that will be artificial. Now, it is up to you to decide. What to do. There are certain factors you need to consider. First, look at the link below it refers to the conditions that if a wife is already on job then husband has no right to stop her,
http://islamqa.info/en/156154
In your case it is opposite I think. And it is a different case. Even if you get a new job and even if he comes back then you can do one thing show him the essence of Islam. Try to do that. But let's say you are already fed up by his attitude towards you and you do not like to live with his artificial smile then it is up to you. You know what is the next step. But it is all up to you.
And please see and do the following action every night and do recite with understanding (translation).
It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is a soorah of the Qur’aan containing thirty verses which have interceded for a man until he was forgiven. It is the soorah Tabaarak alladhi bi yadihi’l-mulk.”
Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 2891; Ahmad, 7634; Abu Dawood, 1400; Ibn Maajah, 3786. This hadeeth was classed as hasan by al-Tirmidhi and by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi, 3/6.
Another hadeeth which speaks of its virtues was narrated from Jaabir, that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) never used to sleep until he had recited Alif-laam-meem tanzeel [al-Sajdah] and Tabaarak alladhi bi yadihi’l-mulk [al-Mulk].
Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 2892; Ahmad, 14249. Al-Albaani said in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi (3/6) that this hadeeth is saheeh.
Allaah Knows the Best!
Thanks a lot akh Masood.
I believe too he is what you described as he is. I am too thinking to file a faskh but then I need to prioritize my son first. That is the reason I still stay with him until now.
For emotion, there is no more emotion between us. At least that is what I feel and I believe he is too.
I know I need to be strong if I choose this path.
Thank you once again. Very open my eyes.
Assalaamualaikam
Islamically, it is a man's responsibility to ensure that he can provide for his family. The money a woman earns is hers. If there were financial worries, then he could have discussed these with you, he could have continued to work rather than leaving his job (as you say he did the same as you, I'm assuming you mean he also stopped working), or if he is still working, he could look for over-time or additional work. You are under no obligation to pay off debts he has picked up, or to be the one feeling guilty about not working.
While you've been a couple for several years, if much of that has been long-distance, the two of you may not really know each other that well in terms of the day-to-day things people do? So, it's possible that his behaviour at the moment is how he responds to feeling stressed and worried. The two of you have just made pretty significant changes in your lives, so it might be worth giving the situation a little time to stabilise before making any big decisions about your future as a couple.
Rather than living with your parents or his parents, though, why not ask for you, your husband and your son to have your own home, to live together as a family? His response to that may give you an idea as to his views on your relationship.
Whatever course of action you choose, remember that you need to prioritise your son's wellbeing; he needs a stable, loving home in which he can learn Islamic values. Ask Allah for guidance, and trust that He has a plan for you.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Masha'Allaah!
Well answered!
Thank you for your response akh/akhi.
Well, I do give him opinion to us live together in our own home but then he made a lot of excuses.
And everytime I try talk to him about something serious like this, his response is very frustrated. He is very negative to almost everything he plans that not running smoothly.
He then asked me back whether I get a job or not.
I do think a lot time to file a faskh but then my son is my priority. Only that I still stay by him as I do not want my son lives in abnormal family. He deserves the best.
Asalamoalaikum sister,
My opinion is going to be a bit different from the above commentators.
Firstly, since you both are married and have a child together it is best that you live together. There is no reason for you both to do so otherwise. If your relationship is strong and built on the foundation of trust, the in-law issues will surpass. I’m not saying it won’t be difficult but they won’t be able to create problems. No one can allow that except you both.
Secondly, if I were a man I’d appreciate my wife helping me out, out of her kindness and I would eventually repay her the money, in manageable increments. Accumulating debt (especially if it is interest based) can destroy a marriage very quickly. Simply put, it is haram and if you cannot avoid it for some reason (although you should be able to if you spend wisely), then pay it off as soon as possible, even if it means everyone at home is working.
I am saying this from experience. Not too long ago my husband and I were in quite a bit of credit card debt (due to expenses made for our marriage—we learned our lesson to now spend money wisely). I had some money saved (in the thousands) and I gave him that because I wanted us to be debt free. In fact I was more stressed about the debts then he was (I would lose a lot of sleep over it). Alhamdulillah by the mercy of Allah swt, in a few months a situation arose where he got all the money to repay his debts and return my money. We are now slowly managing our finances to ensure we never encounter that sort of situation again. We learned a huge lesson. While we were in debt, we’d constantly argue because I was always worried about it and he just couldn’t manage to pay it off all by himself. Although the money I gave him was helping, it wasn’t enough. I was also upset that all the money I had saved was gone and deep inside felt a bit of resentment towards my husband. However, when he received sufficient money and repaid me, my respect for him elevated because I know he wasn’t denying my rights. He just needed my help and Alhamdulillah I was there for him in time of need. Perhaps your husband and you can make that kind of a deal (i.e., you can give him money and help him out but eventually when he is stable in life again, he can start repaying you in increments). I say this because I am a strong believer that if you have any sort of debt, you should repay it back as soon as possible since death awaits no one and you do not know when your time will be up.
However, if you cannot work or choose not to, your husband should not be unkind to you and rather be patient and make lots of duaa to Allah swt. He is wrong in treating you ill.
May Allah swt ease your marital and financial affairs, ameen.
-Helping Sister
So the respect of a man is conditional to his earning potential or financial status.
Then Muslim women wonder why their husbands don't love them. Such an irony.
Perhaps these women should read the biography of hazart Khadijah who gave a huge chuck of her finances to prophet saw and never asked him to repay them. She did not even harbor any resentment ( opposed to what helping sister said regarding her husband ).
Yes, Hazrat Khadijah did give money to her husband, the Prophet pbuh.
And we all know it because he made this information public. He appreciated it so much so that you and I know it today.
And yet, the type of men (not all thankfully) who take money from their wives and then have no intention of repaying aren't even grateful that they have a wife who has spent money on her.
Aaa,
You do not have a right to assume that I have a lack of respect for my husband due to his financial status or that I would respect him more if he was earning more money. In fact if I did I would have never married him because he is still a student attaining graduate education with no full time job. I could have easily married another guy who was financially stable (and I received many such proposals) but I chose to marry my husband because of his character and hard working personality. I know that financial stability would come in the future (inshAllah) and that our rizq is controlled by Allah swt.
Also, please do not forget that it is the financial responsibility of a husband to provide for his wife and if I am supporting my husband by compromising on our standard of living temporarily, it's because I respect my husband, I honour the intelligence Allah swt has given him and I want to see him succeed in this life and the hereafter, inshAllah. If as a wife it is my duty to take care of my home and our children but due to my negligence I fail to fulfill my duty and my husband has to pick up the slack it would be understandable that he’d be frustrated with me, perhaps even resent me somewhat. You can’t say that he’d be unreasonable to feel that way. Just like so, if I felt some resentment towards my husband it isn’t because I do not respect him, it’s because I felt he made some bad financial choices and I had to pay the “cost”.
In addition, I am a student myself so when I gave him my money which I had saved up with a lot of hard work and some of which I had received as gifts from my wedding guests, it would be natural for me to feel like I was at a loss given that I was saving up that money to repay my own education debt. I however, chose to help my husband pay off his debt because I could postpone repaying my debt at a later period. If I am truly a selfish or an un-thankful wife, I would have thought about my finances first. But I chose to support my husband and out of his love and respect for me, when he received sufficient money he instantly repaid me. Perhaps this was a test from Allah swt to see how we’d cope and if we’d break down but we didn’t, Alhamdulillah.
Lastly, in terms of Hazrat Khadija (RA) providing our prophet (PBUH) with financial support, she did so under very different circumstances. She did not provide him with money because he was negligent with his finances (like the sister's husband or my husband was) rather she provided him with money because he would give all his assets away to the poor and for noble causes. It’s very different when you’re under financial stress because of your own mishaps versus when naturally occurring situations create financial stress.
I don’t like going into details about my personal life but I chose to because I felt quite offended with your comment. Please be careful next time when you judge people without knowing the entire story.
-Helping Sister
AsSalaamu Alaikum Brother Aaa, you should know this.
The Prophet (s.a.w.s) never showed any interest in Hazart Khadijah's wealth, neither did he expect from her to spend her wealth on him. She spent her wealth for the sake of Allah and Islam, not on the Prophet (s.a.w.s), just like the way other Sahabah (like Abu Bakr r.a) spent their wealth for the sake of Islam (According to the comparison you made, does this also mean that other wealthy Muslims should also spend their wealth on the husband, since he expects his wife to spend on him?).
The Prophet (s.a.w.s) had money before marrying her, and he could have been able to live without the support of any human being on earth. However, Allah (swt) allowed things to happen that way, so that Muslims could gain rewards for assisting the growth of Islam.
The Prophet (s.a.w.s) would have loved Hazart Khadijah even if she refrained from assisting Islam with her wealth, because his love for her was for the sake of Allah, not for the sake of her wealth. So if today, some men do not love their wives just because their wives do not support them financially, then it means those men never loved their wives in the first place- their marriage was never for Allah's sake.
Hazart Khadijah, did not spend her money nor give herself to the Prophet (s.a.w.s), except after she wholeheartedly trusted him. Why not build your marriage on the basis of trust and then see what follows?
When there is a trust between you and your wife, you can get the most precious thing from her, which is better than wealth, let alone wealth (if she has it). A woman's heart is the most precious thing on earth (MashaAllah), and for a man to feel that he is the only one deep inside that precious heart is in fact, an inexpressible thing.
I do not know what type of man you are, but I think a man should at least feel very shy and low to expect financial support from his wife, even if he is thinking of repaying, let alone if he is not thinking of repaying.
JazakAllahu Khairun for the beautiful comment, brother Issah.
-Helping Sister
JazakAllah Br. Issah and Helping Sister for your comments. I was in a rush when writing the last comment (hence the her at the end and not the him!). Like you, Helping Sister, I was offended by the comment--it was deeply disturbing.
I would just like to add that no doubt women should read in details about the life of Hazrat Khadijah RA, because in fact we could come to know that our beloved Prophet pbuh married her despite her age. We would come to know that his marriage to her was completely monogamous during her life. We would come to know that she sent the proposal to him and that she was a working woman--while the Prophet pbuh was her employee. How many men object to their wives working? How many culture issues do we have with women sending proposals to someone of their choice? How many older women get proposals when they have never been married or were divorced or widowed?
If we venture to compare the Muslims women today to Hazrat Khadijah - then I dare ask which woman in her sane mind would reject the proposal of a man OR be unhappy with a husband with the attributes of our beloved Prophet pbuh?
Yes, we Muslim women should read about the beautiful life story of Hazrat Khadijah RA in order to improve themselves- just as the Muslim men should study the life of our Prophet pbuh and thus strive to be like the husband Hazrat Muhammad SAWS was.
Thank you Helping Sister.
Yes, we do have debts that need to be settled.
Up until now, he puts blame on me for quitting my job without deep think. He keep telling me what a stupid decision I made as my salary is quite high in the company. He himself cannot pay all the debts as his salary much lower than mine.
Yes I admitted that I am wrong.
I try really hard to not burden him but then he still feel I'm burdensome, when I asked him why his way of treating me turns 360 deg.
Even we lives together but its like we are more apart than before.
Frankly speaking, I do not have any feelings towards him after we had a big argument that may lead to divorce.
The only reason we still husband and wife is our son. He deserves the best. Divorce is not an option right now.
Salam sister,
I think your husband is taking advantage of a working wife. You need to be striaght with him. Show him the hadith where the prophet says i its the husbands duty to provide for his wife and children. He has no right on any many that you earn! As the saying goes " if you can't get ghee out the proper way then you have take it out the hard way. You need to be firm with him now as he did not appreciate your help and kindness. The debts are not your problem. He is the head of the house, its his job to think about how he will pay of the debt and look for a job. You have a child that needs a full time mum.
QR
Sister dont make the same mistake. Sort yo husband out now! Tell him you want to look after your child full time. You can get by with less money. Tell him that you full trust him that he will provide for you phisically and financially. Allah did not gmake men a degree above women and the leader of the household for nothing! With greater strength and power come greater responsibilities. He has to take on the task of looking for a job fiercely ASAP! He needs to work up a sweat to take care of the family, not put the burden on you! He needs to stress about the money! Not you. We women just get to emotional and involved emotionally and phisically when its not our problem and then the men take advantage of us!
The best way to make someone relize their responsibilities is to drop it on them and leave them to it! Just don't argue and stand your ground and ignore his raving and ranting. You just keep busy being a housewife and enjoy spending time with your son. They grow up fast you know! cCook and clean for your husband. You do your bit let him do his bit! Dont think to much just do it! And keep smiling and praying.
May Allah make your husband a good husband and father who will shower you with love and affection. Xxx
Thanks a lot sis. Now our relationship is getting worst. He did not bother me and not even glance at me. What more not even talk to me. I feels very frustrated and dissapointed with him. But as his ego is above than anything in this world, I just neglect all of these. If I keep thinking the negative impact and not strong enough, maybe I will mentally sick. I need to be strong for my kid. This is the only treasure I have. My reason why I still on his side is MY SON. I do not want my son lives without his father. However, I'll try my best to be as patient as I can be. In this moment, he still keep doing the things like he is still a bachelor. After my 7 months of unemployment, he just simply said "beginning next month, u have to pay the house rental and the car loan (since we have 2 cars)." How my emotion should I express when he said like that? Right now, I just keep silent because I do not want any fight/argument. Enough with what he said to me before this. My conclusion is he is not respect me as a wife. And he not deserve to be my husband. I just need time to crawl to build up my life before I take another step.
Pray for my happiness.
Insha Allah.
Salam sister,
Im really sorry to hear that your situation has gone worse! The truth is everyone is different. Some people will change with reasoning by wife and family. Some people will never change no matter what they do! Your husband seems the latter, he does not want to provide for you. He wants you to be the breadwinner and mother and housewife! He has the power and you do all the work.
How is he in other aspects? praying, affection towards you and kids? If he has other good aspects in him then try to change the bad characteristics in him. You do not have to listen to him. If he told you to pay the cars next month. If it was me I would tell my husband firmly " No, that's not my job to pay the bill. I am a mother and I want to look after my child full time. Allah has given you this responsibility to earn and feed your family. So be a good husband and look for a job ASAP so YOU can pay the bills next month"! That's all you have to say with a smile! That's it nothing more. Everytime he says that to you just keep repeating the same answer. He will get fed up of it and won't ask you again!
Why are you allowing him to control you with his words?? Just because he said that doesnt mean you have to do it. Let him lose the car. Then he will learn that he HAS to get off his backside and work. You have to stay strong dont let him manipulate you into working. You should not feel guilty for anything! He should be feeling ashamed to threaten his wife to work!
Other options you can try is to take him to an imam at the mosque so he can explain the responsibilities of husband & wife.
Ask friends and family to talk to him to make him realise what he is doing is wrong. Sister you do not need to digest his words, just put in one ear and out the other! And just keep busy with your cooking and cleaning and looking after kids. Keep praying for Allah to turn his heart around. Explain to your husband that you want the best for your son, and a full time mum is the most important thing in a child's upbringing. Tell your husband you want a simple life and that you are happy with whatever he earns. He does not need to look for a high flying job.
Just don't argue sister, keep saying no or stay silent when he tells you to work. Sometimes silent can be a great weapon. Just don't give in.
Salam sister,
Really appreciate with your advise. Indeed that is what I'm doing right now; keep silent whenever he talked about work and yes, I praying for Allah almost every night (Hajat & Tahajjud). My next step is want to ask a imam to advise him the responsible of a husband because I think he is not clear enough about that.
In the meantime I try to control my emotion not to blow out and turns to big argument.
Appreaciate if all sisters can pray for my happiness. Insya Allah.
Jazzakallah..