Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Reached my tolerance limit with my mother-in-law

short fuse %photo

I have been married for 5 yrs and I have 2 kids, my mother in-law is jealous and talktive a lot.

I and my husband bought an apartment, and my husband never accepted to live alone and shift to our house.

Please someone advise me I am really bored of this kind of relation it's really over my limit.

Please advise.

- Mangal


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12 Responses »

  1. Nemangal, Asalaamualaykum,

    There is not much detail in your post, but my understanding from what you have written is that your mother in law is living in your marital home. However, you are not happy with this arrangement because you feel that your mother in law is jealous and talks too much.

    I always think that if a married couple have a good understanding and healthy communication between themselves, then it will be easier to deal with the mother in law's bouts of jealousy and other insecurities. Maybe you feel that you want more privacy or you feel that your mother in law is creating problems in your marriage. I would encourage you to strengthen your relationship with your husband as much as you can and at the same time learn to ignore comments from your mother in law but to stand up for yourself confidently and politely if you feel you are being taken advantage of. I suppose you would need to learn which type of comments to ignore and which to deal with and how. If your husband is supportive, then this will be easier for you. As your mother in law lives with you, this is probably the best you can do.

    I apologise for not giving a more specific reply. If you want a more detailed response, feel free to write in here again with more detail and we will do our best to help you.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Salaam, Mangal

    The same old mother-in law complaint! :-) I understand that it is sometimes difficult to live with your mother in law when you are married - I remember having to live with my in laws for about 6 months at one stage. I know it can be stressful, and you sometimes just want to get away and live in the privacy of your own place!

    What I do know is that, although your mother-in-law is not "silat rahim" - that is, one of the relatives you must keep contact with, she is your husband's mother, and therefore, very special to him, therefore, it is out of compassion and good manners and respect and love for your husband that you keep civil relations with his mother. It is also a very good role model for your children, that your husband be a well behaved and good son to his mother - imagine! this is how your children will hopefully support both their parents when they get older!

    I think it's great that your husband has bought your own place, and it shows he is a good husband and knows your rights as a wife - would it be possible for you to spend, say, the weekends there alone as a family unit? Maybe your mother in law is alone, and your husband doesn't want to leave her all alone - perhaps an arrangement can be made with his other siblings, or perhaps an aunt or uncle, for them to come spend the weekend with her while you stay in your own place? Sometimes a bit of a break is all you need, to get recharged to go back there again. If not - maybe you can go away together as a family unit sometimes, maybe to a hotel, or a recreational area.

    My in laws are now both dead, may Allah forgive them both, insha'Allah - and I sometimes miss them a lot! I know that this may sound strange - I had my own complaints sometimes! But try to look past the annoyances, and remember your husband, in their eyes, is just their little baby! A bit of jealousy, especially if they are a bit advanced in age, and if he is perhaps their only son, or only child, is to be expected. Remember, if you have children. you might be in their place one day! Would you enjoy your daughter in law unable to bear you? I know you are thinking, "I will never be like that!!!" - but you never know, do you? Just imagine!

    Please be kind to her - this will gain you so much respect and love from your husband, and insha'Allah, your children will grow up to respect their parents and honour you both. Buy her small presents sometimes, take her out for meals, spoil her as if she is a child - believe me, she will love you more and more when she sees you are not trying to keep your son away from her, and that she is sometimes included in things you do. Try to brush away annoyances - often our own mothers and sisters, even our own children! are annoying as well, right? Be the bigger person, and insha'Allah, Allah will shower you with blessings, and the love of your husband and children, and His mercy. You can do it! Tear down her "spikiness" with kindness and love.

    Wishing you all the best - be patient and kind!

    Salaam

  3. Salams,

    I have a very jealous mother in law myself, so I know what I'm talking about:) Some mothers out

    there worship their sons, especially if they are an only-child or the only son. Two women living in a house

    always leads to friction, and now her role as the only woman in your husband's life has been replaced

    with you. That's hard for her, to give up a part of her power to a more attractive( due to age gap) and

    younger woman. Generally speaking, I'm against in-laws living in a house with the daughter-in-law

    because it reminds me of the customs in the Indian subcontinent predominantly influenced by Hindu

    traditions. In Islam, the husband has to provide an own home for his wife and himself. Although you're

    mahram to your father in law, you face restrictions in terms of dress code, can't wear cocktail dresses,

    spaghetti straps, tube tops or whatever. And the family members will always interfere or add fuel to the

    fire, even if they live 2 million miles away from you. So I would rather suggest to tell your husband

    to move house as sooon as possible. As long as you live with them, have patience and akhlagh,

    ignore hurtful remarks as she's older and deserves your respect. Behave in a way that in case

    you move house , she will be sad and miss the good qualities of her daughter in law.

    Jazakallah

  4. as-salamualauikum, ah the exciting mother in law topic! you have not provided a lot of detail. from what i understand, you got your own seperate place for living but your husband is unhappy with that. i agree with sisterz, do try to make your relationshuip with your husband better. if your husband is understanding, then the in-laws issues issues are not so much of a problem. but the problem with some of our cultures is that the way the men are raised there, they don't really have a lot of respect for their wives. the in-laws can make life a literal hell, and on top of that the husband who already disrespects/mistreats his wife takes the side of his mommy. i think the point of some of these in-laws is to create tension between husband and wife, but allah knows best. dear sister ameerah, i understand what you are saying and maybe you have better interpersonal skills than me or better in-laws. i used to be like you, i used to think that all thses girls are having mil isues because they don't know how to treat their mils. i now think differently. all that you are saying is very ideal , but maybe you don't know the way some of our cultures are. we are comming from a culture where mils even burn their daughters in law. unfortunately, it the job of our current daughters in laws to fix their husbands, bring normalcy into their own married and family life, deal with cruel in laws, and change the future generation to better people. i really understand the purpose of deen now. peoples and cultures are not perfect. but deen is. this is an islamic right of the wife to be treated kindly, to have her own place to live in, and so many other issues of in-laws and people would not even be issues if people all follow deen.

  5. Salam,

    Sister Ameerah you seem like such a wonderful person. May allah reward you for being so kind and compasionate towards your in-laws and may allah grant them jannat. Inshalla your daughter-in-law will be a good person, as you have done your good deed towards your in-laws.

    Fi amillah

  6. MUST APPRECIATE THE WISDOM IN ANSWERING SO APPROPRIATELY.
    JAZAKALLAH

  7. I am married 11 years to my wife with 4 children. Its been very tough living with my mother for both of us. Yet we cannot do anything as that is the Pakistani culture. But yesterday, my wife is finally sick to the point she isn't talking to me for the last 2 days. This has never happened before. It started when she and my mother were talking about some past event and the bad decisions both made. The argument was over who did what and said what. And when facts were distorted by my mother, an argument erupted and all the ills of the past were brought into light again. Totally ridiculous.

    I have never wanted to live with my mother nor was she very close with me, but more so with my elder brother. He left the house the day I got married never to return, unless it is for money. Yet he and his wife who totally neglect my mother are not blamed for anything, while we are always trying to make her happy, but are under constant barrage of criticism. Mother interferes with everything, claiming she has a right as my wife is her daughter not her daughter in law. I pointed out to her that if this is true, she would not blame and accuse my wife in front of her parents, or other family members, or yell at her in front of neighbors because she has always been protective of my brother, who behavior is often questionable. Well, I can never win any arguments.

    My mother prays 5 times a day, recites the Quran, and reads the translation in Urdu. I want her to make sure in the context of the Quran and Islam that she is not doing wrong when she distorts the facts. I don't want her to make her burden any heavier on the day of judgement.

    What passage of the Quran or ahadith can I point out to her to make the situation better for me. I am getting poor job performance reviews every time this happens, and children are also becoming nasty towards everyone.

  8. m brother
    I have a serious issue of inlaw interference and maltreatment , which has become so overwhelming for me that now i think taking a divorce is the best option for me . So thats why seeking your advice in this matter.i am married to my husband since two years and we have a daughter of 3 months now.
    Things started soon after my marriage my mother inlaw interference my two sister inlaw interference even my father inlaw is the same. My husband is good wih me only prob he is scared of his mother to tell her any truth on her face . He never takes my side never justifies my truth. Prob is that my motheinlaw always misbehaves with my parents, always blames them for things they never did. Keeps on psycologically torturing me by telling me ur parents this ur parents that. My parents tried for two whole years to deal with them with patience but nothng works. My parents kept on saying sorry to her for things they never did for my marraige sake. But now we realised that more we deal with them with patience more and more they thing that they can do anythng with us. I never raised a voice never said anythng, cried silently all this time. She wants to control everythng in my life now my child also. My husbands doesnt say a thing to her coz she them pretends to be sick with high bp and all. I dont know what to do. I cant see my parents being misbehaved and disrespected. Also to tell u i come from india where they have no islamic knowledge its just mixed culture of hindus and muslims. I tried so many times to teach my husband islamic rights of a wife daughter inlaw , showed him many videos. He does understand everthng but the point is he cant confront his mother and i am suffering to such a point that this psycological torture is having an effect on my health. I get these anxiety attacks all the time. My hands are shivering all the time. I dont want my daughter to suffer because of all this . So plz suggest me with the best possible solution..plz find time to answer my email as i am dying ever moment.
    Also to add that i stay overseas with my husband still my mother inlaw and sister inlaws interfere to such an extent on phone keeping on calling my husband and telling him lies about my parents and me.

    • ASA sister Asiya,
      Sorry to hear what you are going through, this problem is so common in families coming particularly from South Asian background. I can see that your husband loves and cares for you but is unable to stand up for you. A wife is Islamically entitled to have her own separate accomodation and doesn't have to share with her in-laws but it's the culture that people today are following which is creating too many problems. I suggest you sit down with your husband and have a serious discussion with him as to how these problems are affecting you in so many ways. Ask him to speak to his mother, if he doesn't than I suggest you go for temporary separation and demand your own place.

      Also, follow the advice already given to the poster and read other similar posts. If that doesn't help then please log in and write your question as separate post which will be published on it's turn iA.

      Muhammad1982,
      IslamicAnswers.com, Editor.

  9. We are basically from india staying in singapore..both muslims. The thing is that according to my inlaws i have no right over my husband, neither emotionally nor financially.. Only his mother and sisters have all the right.They decide when i should be with him and when not. Altogether they want me to stay with them in india and serve them.. Its my brothers marraige, firstly they have stopped my husband from coming there to attend the marraige and now they are asking him to stop me also from attending my own brothers marraige reason being that they are upset with my parents as my parents should have asked my inlaws before deciding the date of marraige.. According to our family this is just absurd.. But my inlaws want to control everythng. Although we arr staying far away, my motherinlaw my sister inlaws keep on calling my husband in the office everyday and saying things about me an my parents which are not true..

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