Regrets about marriage.
I feel no attraction at all for my husband
I am recently married and I have total regret about marrying my husband. I know he is not the right man for me, and there is a lot of background information I will share in order to understand my situation.
I married my husband after not knowing him for too long (less than 2 months), and everything happened really fast. I only saw him a few times and hardly spoke with him. I did not ask the necessary questions- I was just happy to find someone who wanted me, was following the sunnah and had plans to move to a Muslim country. Even with all this, I still had a lot of doubts which I ignored as waswas from shaytaan. My family loved him and we decided to marry without delay. I prayed istikharah and put my trust in Allah, and got married. From the day of my nikkah I had my doubts confirmed after speaking to him. As a newly married couple, I just knew in my heart he was not for me. I had a deep sinking feeling in my heart after our very short conversation, and was a little sad that he didn't seemed very eager to be married nor excited to come see me as his new bride.
Within a few days I was consumed with the feeling of regret. I felt like I was in a daze during the past month, and really wondered how I ended up married so quickly. In my first week of marriage I became very unhappy, and he could tell. When we spoke about it I told him I wasn't sure why I felt unhappy, but I said this is all new and we just need to give it time. I told him that because I was really confused about my feelings and was trying to figure out my situation.
When I met my husband I thought there was an attraction there, but I have come to see that I am not attracted to him. I have learned that attraction is more then just looks, and it includes personality, character, mannerism, etc. The bottom line is I find myself not attracted to him, rather I only feel remorse and sad for him because I put him through this.
I have tried to tell him this, but he is finding it hard to accept and we are just going in circles. I want to separate but I don't want to initiate it. I am just so confused and now I am reliving emotions that I buried for so long.
-Umm AbdurRahman
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بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
الحمد لله رب العالمين
السلام عليكم و رحمت الله
Bismillah Most view marriage as riding on a carousel at a carnival or Maypole. Love is a hobbyhorse. Rocking and motionless.
Love IN ISLAM accrued from years of sharing and caring.
The woman seeking a divorce without a reason (Lack of financial support ..physical potency) is denied entry into the Garden-Jannah.
This is not a matter for confusion, but a test of your Islam. Stilled feelings come from previous relationships with men. Difficulty. Be content that you have found a Muslim who has married you as you wrote that you felt that you would not be married. And now felt rushed into this marriage. But you made Istikharah -guidance by prayer. Making Istikharah is a guarantee. For trust in Allah is never misplaced. ..::
Allah hates the tasters. Because they only wished to sample life rather than live life. Rejecting that decreed from Allah.
Of the six articles of Faith which a Muslim testifies to and found in the second chapter of the Quraan is the sixth To accept the Decree (of Allah) both the Good AND the EVIL !.
May Allah make you of those passing the test of life and death....
Bismillahو الحمد لله رب العالمين
Assalaamualaikam
It might be worth giving the situation some time - it sounds as though everything has happened very quickly, and that may be a contributing factor. Allah has brought the two of you together for a reason, and taking some time to let things calm down may help make that reason apparent to you both, inshaAllah.
You mention having been happy to find a man who follows the Sunnah, and that your family liked him - these are positive things to remember. If your husband is pious, try to say Alhamdulillah for that, and think of these things when you are having negative thoughts about him, to remind yourself that he has good traits.
If he treats you kindly, is of good character and practising, I'd advise giving this marriage a chance. Short-term attraction and lust can quickly fade, but a pious couple can build a more lasting love - loving for the sake of Allah is far stronger than loving because of "chemistry". It might help for the two of you to speak with a counsellor, or to spend more time getting to know each other.
If you truly feel you cannot be married to this man, despite giving your marriage a chance, you do have the right to initiate separation from your husband, although inshaAllah it hopefully won't come to that.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
الحمد لله رب العالمين
السلام عليكم و رحمت الله
Reply to Midnightmoon:
The ideal Western woman is the barren one (Mark Twain).
Written proudly by Mark Twain at the achievements of the West (sterility...stealing a Valentines Heart: I love you with a kiss..dating) and in disdain at the marriage customs of the Moors (procreation of honored houses following patrilineal custom based on the contract of marriage).
Our school is only four (perfect) women. Two : the example for believing men and women of achieving perfection : The wife of Pharaoh and Maryam: The Mother and the Mistress of Jihad :The wife of Pharaoh raised Moses in the house of Pharaoh. She would cut off Pharaohs Army and is known as helper of the helpless.
The woman married to a bad-tempered husband and who is patient will have a palace built for her like the wife of Pharaoh said the Messenger of Allah. And be married in the Garden to a martyr of her choice.
There are only two opposing families on this earth : that of Pharaohs and that of Al 3Imraan (Maryam's)...Purity is sacrifice of life and property which is of NonUsurious dealings. Those dealing in Usury -interest doubled and multiplied- are of the family and people of Pharaoh. Those dealing in interest are worshipping Pharaohs..their worship the antichrist. Most of the followers of the Antichrist are women.
A woman divorcing her husband (for "feelings" and) not religious reason(s) will not be permitted to enter Jannah said the Messenger of Allah.
That is part of Pharaohs religion for he Kept women alive and killed their men. Pharaoh A doer of great mischief in the land (earth).
Allah destroyed Pharaoh so we say nothing good about him.
Midnightmoon consider the message conveyed by the Messenger of Allah well before giving a woman permission to initiate a divorce.
Read from the Quraan: IN NOWISE IS THE MALE LIKE THE FEMALE.
A woman is noble and better. Four trustworthy male witnesses to her singular word alone. But she needs protection. Allah is the best to provide for both parties. Yet a track record is a track record. Women may win the time but not cross the finishing line. The race is to Allah. Men appointed as guardians for women and given a degree above them because they stand for women and protect them.
"Free" is the popular advice to a woman that you can initiate a divorce. But as even a big time kaffir said to his daughter: No one will help you if you divorce. Not any government social agency.
I am sure this women's family who as their daughter Umm Abdurrahman said likes her husband have more to say in private to their daughter than this. At some point all relations break. That is The Shining. .. Midnightmoon.
The Shining is the gallery of evil-wicked men. Their photo.
May Allah protect her from the waxing of the full moon and ill-fated desires. و الحمد لله رب العاليمن
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/regrets-about-marriage/#comment-149874
Girl : I love you forever ! Guy ; All I need is your forever.
When a man is a practicing Muslim he has sacrificed his life and desires to Allah to retrieve a woman's forever. May intelligence with gratitude to Allah be the binding rule for Umm Abdurrahman : mother of the servant of the Gracious. Bismillah
Um Madden :: mother of the little hound000:::good. A hound is any animal of preyer. سبحانك الله و الحمد لله رب العالمين
Assalaamualaikam
I'm afraid I don't fully understand your comments.
If you mean to say that you disagree with the fact that women have the right to divorce their husbands, it might be worth remembering that there are strong hadiths recounting women initiating divorce.
Midnightmoon IslamicAnswers.com
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
الحمد لله رب العالمين
السلام عليكم و رحمت الله
جزاكم الله خيرا.
Strong Ahadith showing women initiating divorce are only where divorce is for Islamic reason !
Divorce isn't as the west imagined where a woman must fight for support and is stigmatized.
Support of the Divorced (woman..the divorcee) is a duty upon the righteous (Qur'aan).
Divorce is never an answer : it is a permission. Of the most hated things to Allah is divorce (Hadith).
Praised is the Pashtun society where men of their "own" free choice and free will forego divorce so to stabilize society by preventing prostitution and neglect of children.
The orphan a reminder of the Messenger of Allah and beloved within family confines --be they only a cousin extant (existing). As Omar the Great made a cousin support his orphaned relative. Much to the sting of the purse. The dislike of distant relatives.
"I against my brother, my brother and I against my cousin, my cousin, I and my brother against the world"--Pashtun proverb.
Taken from Yusuf in the Qur'aan.
How else is the patience of prison won and one man set over the storehouses of Egypt.......the foodstuffs and money..charge3 of night and day..12. Yusuf. Yusuf possessed of half of worldly beauty....Premier (First) Prime Minister of world : Yusuf. Meaning To Add to. Only by Yusuf do men enter the Garden.
How beautiful upon worldly defeat is the forgiveness of a brother and the testimony of the court of women of Yusuf and the woman of the noble to the chastity (sexual purity) of Yusuf. 311
Sexual purity is by the guard of marriage. Yusuf the reminder (banner) to chaste youth.
May Allah support the brother and husband of Umm Abdurrahman in righteousness as Allah supported Yusuf in the Court of the king.
Bismillah Reply to the light of Midnightmoon.
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/regrets-about-marriage/#comment-149895
و الحمد لله رب العالمين
Are you 2 have different cultual backgrounds? Is you huband getting his citizenship by marrying you? Have both of you been married before? How did you meet him to begin with?
Things may change with time.
Assalaamualaikam
A lot of your recent comments have referred to citizenship - if you are having difficulties and wish advice please feel free to submit a post yourself.
As Salaamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu
Honey, welcome to the club. It is quite normal to have these feelings because shaytan doesn't like marriage and so will make all sorts of suggestions to make you choose to end it. I've been married now 9 years and I still get these feelings from time to time.
The proof that these are whispers from shaytan is that you have no clue or real basis for WHY you feel this way, but ask yourself this:
1. Is my husband a bad influence for my deen?
2. Is my husband harmful to me in any way?
3. Does me husband prevent me from practicing deen?
If you answered no, understand that this is all waswasa from shaytan. Doubt and worry with no cause is purely from shaytan. Increase giving the full salaams to him.
Nabi Muhammad (saws) said : “Shake hands and rancor will disappear. Give presents to each other and love each other and enmity will disappear.” - Al-Muwatta
As his wife, you have more power and control than you know. Do special things for him, this will invoke Allah's love in your heart and his. Look for only the good in him and it will bring you closer. After all, he is your brother in Islam. This is from my own experience, but Allahu Alim.
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
الحمد لله رب العالمين
و السلام عليكم و رحمت الله و بركاته
جزاك الله خيرا جدا
لكل شيء
و السلام عليكم و رحمت
" دعوهم فيها سبحانك اللهم و تحيتهم فيها سلمً واخير دعوهم ان الحمد لله رب العالمين " 10:10
Well me the same felt full of regrets having a Muslim wife later found to be an drug addict bad temper foul mouth and lays hands on me felt anguish hated more than words can describe injuries caused by her can never be erased. My blood each and every drip splatter no matter where will cursed on her till she returns to ashes. So men never to be to patients with them. Worst convert to Muslim now hard to retract my Muslim name out of my documents
Brother, it's unfortunate that your wife turned out to be a drug addict and bad tempered. But your bitterness and hatred will only harm you, not her. Perhaps your pain is still fresh. In time, you must try to forgive and move on. Also, do not blame all women for the mistakes of one.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Hi! I just got married last Dec. 2017 to the man i love. He already has a first wife, that makes me a second wife. His wife does not know about me, even his mother and sisters no nothing about me. Only his twin brother knows that he married me. I was not a muslim, and we have a very different culture. My family was against my relationship with him but still i married him. We have a long distance relationship, we live and work in different country right now. But we are planning to be together soon. Now after the honeymoon stage, i asked him to tell his family about but he refused. He said he will at the right time. He will have his yearly vacation this coming march to Pakistan to be with his family. And i am so jealous. I know i should feel this, i know i have to accept this but my heart is breaking. I already talk to him about this before we got married, we fought about this. But i was so stubborn i still married him. I never thought this is going to be so hard. I cannot share my husband, i cannot share the man i love. I know i am the one to blame for the situation i am in right now. I am so confused. I want out, i dnt want this. But can i leave him, i love him so much. But i cant live a life like that.