Regrets…
Salaam
I am a 26year old women, i have now been married for about 17 momths and have been blessed with a beautiful baby. My problem however is that i do not feel happy in my life. I feel like i made the wrong choice when getting married.
I married a guy of my own choice who i got on with so well and believed that i had a good connection with. He is very caring and has a lot of love for me but i just dont feel the same for him.
Alot has happened in the time we have been married and i do not know if it is just how life is meant to be.
I have many run ins with my in laws as i do not live up to thier expectations. I have tried my best to do right by them but i feel like im on egg shells all the time around them. My husband does not blame me for any trouble that has happend between my inlaws and i but he has stopped talking to his mother and i feel to blame although he has made it clear its not my fault. He has fall outs regulary with his mum which are emotionally tiring me out.
My husband is currently out of work and has been from about 3 months into our marriage. I have taken on as much financial strain as i could from him so he could get on his feet and start up a new business but i feel that its just not going anywhere. I am now off work due to having a baby and although money has never bothered me i feel like i cant make ends meet. He is trying his best but he is fallen into debt by borrowing money from his friends and is now waiting on a insurance settlement cheque (which i do not agree with) to clear debts.
The more i am living with my husband the more i am regretting getting married to him. I am seeing him as a diffrent person and i feel bad for feeling this way but i just feel suffocated and constantly undermined and feel like im living to double standards.
Allhamdulliah i am blessed with a maternal family that supports me but i just feel that i cannot spend time with them as my husband does not like the way things are done or schools of thought clash and this also puts a strain on my emotions. I miss my mum and dad so much but i feel like i have to put on a brave face and pretend i am happy whenever i see them. I feel more upset when i see them because i know i have to leave and go back to my home with my husband. I dont know how to talk to anyone about how i feel. The person i fell in love with and married is not the person i am living with. I used to be able to talk to him and saw him as my best friend but now i feel i cant because of how he talks to me. I constantly feel patronised and belittled and if i say things he doesnt like or agree with he talks back in an aggressive manor. If i wish to do something like visit my parents he makes excuses and says think of our baby, the travel etc like i am constantly doing things to put our baby in danger or distress (like a long car journey) which i would never do as i love her more than words can describe. I am constantly made to feel like i am incapable as a mother and that his love for our baby is greater. My family have seen a big change in the person i am now to the person i used to be. I was a very independant woman who faught for her rights and now i just feel like staying away from evryone and everything and shutting myself off from the world. I know this isnt healthy but i cant balance life between my family and inlaws and i cant seem to keep my husband happy. Is this what married life is? Is this what raising a family is? To stay quiet and carry on until its our time to go? I make duaa and know allah is all knowing and i have faith but i just cant help feeling the way i do about him and about the choices i have made in life to get me to this point. Is this it until allah decides its my time to leave this earth?
Thank u in advance for taking the time out to read this, may allah reward u for listening to so many problems and may allah make it easy for everyone in thier struggles ameen
Sapphire911
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Asalamoalaikum Sister,
I’m sorry to hear about the struggles you’re going through. I must point out however that people change during stressful times and behave in entirely different ways. From what I’ve read, there is good to your husband such as him supporting you when it comes to your relationship with your in-laws. Many wives have no support from their husbands in this regard. He also seems to be loyal towards you.
I believe a huge source of tension in your marriage is your husband losing his job. Why does your husband not take on any part-time or full-time job until he can successfully set up his business? The financial burden should not be put on your shoulder entirely. I truly believe when this financial crisis will end, you both will be happier with each other. I speak from experience.
After my nikkah (my husband and I were not living together at that point as our wedding reception did not take place since I was studying in school), my husband could not find a job in his field. He struggled for about a year and maxed out his credit cards. It was very stressful to the point I felt I could not spend life with him as he had been financially irresponsible. When I made the decision to leave him however after doing istikhara, he found a wonderful job mashAllah and now earns a handsome salary in addition to paying off all his credit cards (which I now strictly manage so he never runs into debt again). During that time span however, we both changed due to stress.
Now when I look back, I know that Allah swt made him the one for me. He takes good care of me, is kind towards my parents, and keeps me happy masha Allah.
I must also mention that my in-laws did not approve of our marriage. They did not accept me as my husband wanted to reside separately with me. There were many stressors and many nights of weeping myself to sleep but with time they came around and I don’t put my happiness in their hands anymore. As long as my husband provides me with my rights and I honour his we are happy, Alhumdulillah.
So please dear sister, don’t just jump the gun and think of divorce. Sit down, discuss a solution to this financial problem and insha Allah very soon your husband will land a good job as well. Highs and lows happen in every marriage, that is the test of this life.
-Helpful Sister
I agree with you .A marriage can't survive without money .Money is must for marriage .
Sister its possible that you have postpartum depression
you seem to be exhibiting all the signs of it
this usually happens right after you have a baby
it seems to me that you have no problem with your husband
and in-laws will always act stupid
So don't take them personally
but the issue is that you are suffering from severe depression
due to hormonal changes after giving birth
for some people it can go away
for other people it does not
I think you need to consult your obstetrician or your family doctor
They will either give you medicine to balance your hormones
Or provide therapy for deeper issues
because it is a possibility that you are suffering from PPD
another thing
don't take another person's responsibility on your head
it's not your job to please your in-laws
it's only your job to please your husband
and yourself and your kids
rude in-laws are a very common thing
and they will never go away
so just shrug it off and move on when it comes to your in-laws
because in-laws will always be ridiculously double standard
If something breaks you don't throw it away
U fix it
that is the philosophy of our elders
and that is something I abide by
Don't make permanent decisions because of temporary feelings
please get help
I'm sure your husband will support you in this case
because if you don't get help
you can result in self harm, substance abuse or even suicide
get help
please
Good luck
Salamalekum
Please do not worry too much because you are in a state of just starting the family. I know so many people who had to leave their parents (just like you did) so they could be with their husband. They suffered many times, but you are just at your beginning. Please stay strong because it is essential that you are there for your baby (I am not agreeing with your husband though because I think there should be a way you can meet your parents without stressing out your baby). I mean that she will grow up and have a mother who is always under depression, and it will mentally scar her. I am sorry your husband cannot financially support you and I hope he finds a job Inshaallah.
Lack of a job can do that to a man. I myself have experienced immature and irresponsible behaviour because I didn't have a job for few years but then it was about me in the single days. Still it counts since I would be nasty to those close to me. Once I got a job it was all great and I was calm amd relaxed and no more nasty attitude with others.
Your husband just needs to make himself busy doing some job or two as well as keep his Imaan in check and keep praying to Allah whilst fulfilling all his duties as a Muslim, a husband, a son and many other things a man is supposed to do. He will be less vulnerable to shaitaan's whispers and more respectful towards you.
As much as he might have changed towards you by showing negative attitude he justs needs you to be by his side and help him get out of it. It is where the real test is for both of you. Do not give up on him as he needs you in such moments and leaving the spouse when they need their other half the most is just something best avoided.
Insha Allah every thing will become fine and lots of blessings will come about in your marriage, for you, your husband and your kids too. May Allah ease things for you all and give you the best of both worlds.