Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Regretting something in life.

woman in regret, sad, depressed

As Salam Wallaikum.
I was recently engaged to a really great guy. However, a couple months later I realized that I didn't have any sort of emotional attachment or physical attraction towards him. I saw him more and more as a friend. (This could be due to a long distance relationship and us hanging out only a handful of times). So, after an Imam's suggestion, I decided to ask him to postpone the wedding until next year. However, his family and (later he) didn't agree and the wedding was off for good. I was relieved.

I recently found out that he got married and I'm very happy for him because he deserves the best. However, recently I've been having these overwhelming feelings of regret that I should've gone through with it regardless. No matter what I do I cannot shake these feelings. It just keeps nagging at me.

Firstly, is there any dua that can help me cope with regret? Secondly, I need know, is there such a thing as "destiny made by Allah" or do we all make our own destiny? In other words, have I altered my whole life (negatively) by calling the wedding off? Or was I never destined to end up with him? I've heard so many times that death, life, and marriage are things that cannot be altered and they will occur as Allah wishes. Is this true?

I'm just trying really hard to figure out a way deal with this regret, but I can't help but feel that I've made a huge mistake. Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks and Salams.

-ayishatalia


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13 Responses »

  1. Allah makes partners in heaven.. U mustve heard that term? It was Allah who decided he wasnt right for you or you wasnt right for him that u split, Allah has written whom ur going to be with from the start, He has someone better in store for you. Someone who u will be attracted to and who will be your childs father and your future InShaAllah. It is destiny. By regretting u cant shake off the feeling and spend ur whole life miserably if ur going into the relationship with this so it was best for him n u to split. Sometimes u could be attracted to someone and they turn to be the worst its all in Allah SWTs hands.. Dont blame yourself, u havent broken any hearts, he was destined with the woman he married, so move on as u cant keep living in the past with what ifs. Pray namaz 4 peace of ur mind and make dua for your future, pour ur heart out to Allah SWT ask for forgiveness and guidance. May ur Duas be answered. In Sha Allah..

  2. ASSALAMALAIKUM-MY ASNWER IS LONG BUT IT IS FOR YOU-
    THIS IS THE FIRST WRONG -So, after an Imam's suggestion,WHO IS HE TO ADVICE ON A MARRIAGE TO PROCEED OR STOP-INSTEAD YOU MUST HAVE DONE ISTHAKHARA CONSULTING ALLAH NOT HUMAN BEINGS WHO ARE DEVAITED IF HE WAS RIGHT PERSON HE WOULD HAVE ADVISED YOU TO DO ISTHAKHARA-
    THERE ARE 6 FARZ IN ISLAM AND THE 6TH IS QADAR DESTINY-IF U DONT BELIVE IN IT YR IMAN IS INCOMPLETE-The evidence for divine decree is found throughout the Quran and hadiths, hence any Muslim who does not believe in divine decree is not even a Muslim.The Noble Qur'an - At-Tauba 9:51
    Say: "Nothing shall ever happen to us except what Allah has ordained for us. He is our Maula (Lord, Helper and Protector)." And in Allah let the believers put their trust.
    The Noble Qur'an - Al-Qamar 54:53
    And everything, small and big is written (in Al-Lauh Al-Mahfûz already beforehand i.e. before it befalls, or is done by its doer).
    Bukhari (Book #77, Hadith #594)
    Narrated Anas bin Malik: The Prophet said, “Allah puts an angel in charge of the uterus and the angel says, ‘O Lord, (it is) semen! O Lord, (it is now ) a clot! O Lord, (it is now) a piece of flesh.’ And then, if Allah wishes to complete its creation, the angel asks, ‘O Lord, (will it be) a male or a female? A wretched (an evil doer) or a blessed (doer of good)? How much will his provisions be? What will his age be?’ So all that is written while the creature is still in the mother’s womb.”
    Is there such a thing as "destiny made by Allah" or do we all make our own destiny? In other words, have I altered my whole life (negatively) by calling the wedding off? Or was I never destined to end up with him? I've heard so many times that death, life, and marriage are things that cannot be altered and they will occur as Allah wishes. Is this true?
    ANSWER-
    One fundamental belief in Islam is that of divine decree, which if you want you can also call pre-destiny. It is the belief that all things have already been decreed beforehand, before Allah created us, and that it has all already been written down and recorded.
    The evidence for divine decree is found throughout the Quran and hadiths, hence any Muslim who does not believe in divine decree is not even a Muslim.
    Sahih Muslim:Book 001, Number 0001:
    It is narrated on the authority of Yahya b. Ya'mur that the first man who discussed about Qadr (Divine Decree) in Basra was Ma'bad al-Juhani. I along with Humaid b. 'Abdur-Rahman Himyari set out for prilgrimage or for 'Umrah and said: Should it so happen that we come into contact with one of the Companions of the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) we shall ask him a bout what is talked about Taqdir (Division Decree). Accidentally we came across Abdullah ibn Umar ibn al-Khattab, while he was entering the mosque. My companion and I surrounded him. One of us (stood) on his right and the other stood on his left. I expected that my companion would authorize me to speak. I therefore said: Abu Abdur Rahman! there have appeared some people in our land who recite the Holy Qur'an and pursue knowledge. And then after talking about their affairs, added: They (such people) claim that there is no such thing as Divine Decree and events are not predestined. He(Abdullah ibn Umar) said: When you happen to meet such people tell them that I have nothing to do with them and they have nothing to do with me. And verily they are in no way responsible for my (belief). Abdullah ibn Umar swore by Him (the Lord) (and said): If any one of them (who does not believe in the Divine Decree) had with him gold equal to the bulk of (the mountain) Uhud and then, it (in the way of Allah), Allah would not accept it unless he affirmed his faith in Divine Decree.
    There is more evidence for divine decree:
    IN QURAN
    022.070
    YUSUFALI: Knowest thou not that Allah knows all that is in heaven and on earth? Indeed it is all in a Record, and that is easy for Allah.
    Here Allah says he knows everything that is in the heavens and on the earth, and that it is all recorded. Ibn Kathirs Tafsir for this verse writes:Allah tells us how perfect is His knowledge of His creation, and that He encompasses all that is in the heavens and on earth.
    Not even the weight of a speck of dust, or less than that or greater escapes His knowledge in the heavens or in the earth. He knows all things even before they happen, and He has written that in His Book, Al-Lawh Al-Mahfuz, as was reported in Sahih Muslim from `Abdullah bin `Amr, who said, "The Messenger of Allah said:
    (Allah issued His decrees concerning the measurement and due proportion of the creatures fifty thousand years before He created the heavens and the earth, and His Throne was over the water.) In the Sunan, it was reported from a group of the Companions that the Messenger of Allah said:
    The first thing that Allah created was the Pen. He said to it, "Write!'' It said, "What should I write'' He said, "Write what will happen,'' so the Pen wrote everything that will happen until the Day of Resurrection.)
    As you see Allah knew everything before they happened, and wrote them down in a book that is preserved in the heavens, this book is separate from the Quran itself.
    So now since the proof of divine decree is evident within Islam, one must then grasp a correct understanding of this belief. The Ahlus Sunnah have agreed in 4 correct ways of believing in this belief and they are as follows:
    Knowledge (to believe): It is to know and firmly believe and have faith in the fact that Allah knows everything, he is aware of everything, nothing is hidden from him, nor is he ignorant of anything at all.
    The Recording: A Muslim must also believe that Allah has indeed recorded everything before they have happened, in a preserved book that is in the heavens, we have already quoted the proof of this.
    The Will: We also believe that nothing happens against the will of Allah, and that all that happens happens by the will of Allah, nothing is out of his control, he is control of all things and actions. All existence happens with the will of Allah, and all that doesn't exist basically the non-existence occurs by the will of Allah
    The Creation: We believe that Allah created everything, the reason why this is an important factor is for instance, when we act on desires, such as love, anger, sadness, and so on. All these feelings and desires have been created by Allah, we choose to act on these desires and so on, yet Allah created them, he created such feelings which allow us to act on them, they don't come from nowhere.

    IF THE PERSON WA DESTINED FOR YOU HE WOULD NOT HAVE AGREED TO POSTONE IN THE FIRST PLACE BECAUSE HE WAS GOING TO MARRY SOMEONE WHOSE CHILDREN ARE BORN TO BE FROM THAT COUPLE, HE AGREED TO POSTPONE,AND HE GOT MARRIED AND THEN HIS CHILDREN WHO THEY WILL MARRY IS ALSO WRITTEN-AND WHERE THEY WILL LIVE IS ALREADY WRITTEN AS THOSE CHILDREN CANNOT BE BORN TO YOU BECAUSE THEY ARE CHILDREN OF HIS DESTINED WIFE -
    TAKE THIS AS THE DIVINE WILL WRITTEN WHEN YOU WERE 3 MONTHS IN YOUR MOTHERS WOMB-AND DONT GO TO TOM DICK AND HARRY IMAMS INSTEAD-DO ISTHAKHARA AND BE SATISFIED-
    NOWYOU ARE INT RIGHT PLACE AS ALLAH WILLED AND THE RIGHT MAN WILL COME WHOM ALLAH FIXED FOR YOU-HAVE PATIENCE-HE WILL MUCH MUCH BETTER THAN THE ONE YOU SAW-
    REGARDS
    READ THIS FOR FURTHER KNOWLEDGE-
    http://muttaqun.com/qadar.html

  3. Salam Sister,

    You made your decision and he is already married so as of right now he may not be the one for you but you never know what will happen in the future and only Allah knows if he is the one for you or not. You feel regret because you may have this little thought in your head like "What if he is the one?" or you feel like you may not find someone else who may want to marry you?

    I would not feed the feelings of regret by thinking thoughts like these because you will end up getting hurt or you may even end up developing feelings and start to wonder if you are in love with him or build up feelings of jealousy that were not there before. InshAllah you will find someone who is meant to be with you whether in this life or the next.

    We never know who we are meant to be with even if we are on our death beds looking at our spouse because who knows maybe after we die we may end up being with someone else. I am not saying this will happen but this can be a possibility so it is useless to keep wondering about "who is the one for me." You just have to live your life, get married to a righteous man, do your best to protect your relationship, get closer to Allah, inshAllah have your own family and put your trust in Allah. There are people who think they married the right person but end up getting divorced, but the feeling was real at that time.

    Everything is controlled by Allah. We just don't know what the final outcome is but Allah is the one that decides everything. This does not mean that we don't play a part in it, we just can't sit there and feel a loss of control. We have to just listen to His commands and trust in Him. InshAllah eventually we will get the things we want if we stop thinking about what had already passed us.

  4. Dear Sister Ayishatalia,

    Whatever happens, happens for good reason, may we predict or unable to know it. Allah (swt) knows best. Trust this.

    You did nothing wrong, you didn't feel your heart and soul in that marriage so you sensibly chose to stay out of it, this decision of yours not merely you but also saved that guy as well as families from any further pain or frustration.

    just imagine, inspite of not feeling anything for him, but if you still would have married him then neither you nor him would have been happy and once married, it would have been very hard to come out of it.

    So why to feel regret. (I may be wrong but i may be right but) i feel that you are feeling this way because of someone else(your family or friend) who might think that you let go a good guy who is happily married now and you are still single OR it could be like that now you wish to get married but not getting any such good guy like him. ( Please forgive me, i am just giving general reasons which seen around)

    But the point is you did nothing wrong as such, so i don't think you should regret it. Also who knows Allah (swt) may have someone better for you. Next time, when you get a proposal, consider everything, ask yourself first, keep your expectations realistic and practical and then only, let it go further. I hope you are getting what i mean to say. Trust Allah (Swt), he will take care of you and everything.

    “The past is like using your rear-view mirror in the car, it’s good to glance back and see how far you’ve come, but if you stare too long you’ll miss what’s right in front of you.”

    Good Luck

    Your Sister

  5. Salaam sister. First thing is there's no engagement in Islam neither wedding rings but a nikkah with walima (food) and duff with songs proven from sunnah ie. an nikahun Mubarakun....

    since you should have done istehara as that's the only right way suggested by messenger of Allah (SAW ) ' you now look for another brother in Islam to marry but not going out etc but within Islamic guidelines and then do istehara but remember , there's no such thing as seeing dreams due to istehara but istehara is something you ask Allah things like: "if it's good for me, then let it be but not good for me then keep it away" so no dreams can be seen so please buy "hisnal Muslim" (fortress of Muslim" and follow the authentic dua

    JazakAllah khair

  6. Assalamoallaikum,

    It is Allah who has given us the ability to take decisions and you did your own part. He is happily married and you are happy for him as well. Sister, you do not need to worry as you are totally right on your part and have done no harm. You will get your soul mate which you will be proud of as well Insha Allah.

  7. Pepper and Aisha very well said (and all others as well)
    I always think that everything happens for a reason from Allah. Y dwell on it if it was in our favor yea it wudve happened. IF its bothering u so much, maybe u can talk to someone abt it? counselor, therapist to get it outta ur mind once and for gud.

    • Aisha,
      Allah SWT makes partners in heaven, he is the almighty, we have to strengthen our beliefs, I cannot express in words what I have gone through, as for you dear, just ignore, and forget him, why this ego? you did the right thing, you have a kind heart my dear, there are many other problems in this world, I am one example, i am married to a woman who cheated on me, we have 2 children... you can not imagine what went through me... but i decided to live with her again, even though she has got no respect for my family members but still i accepted her just for the sake of my children.... I thought of killing my wife and her boyfriend but that wasn't the solution..... and Islam does not permit me to do that... even now sometimes i feel very much in pain.... why am i telling you all this???? because these are the problems to worry about, as for you my dear, just forget him, and get on going with your life. May Allah SWT help you in forgetting him.

    • Regret is natural because one feels a sense of a missed opportunity. But if one believes in Qadarallah, he/she becomes contented because everything decreed. And a true believer is the one who admits that whatever has come to him wasn't going to bypass him and whatever has missed him isn't his/her. So sister, get contented and move on as you wait for the right man.

  8. Dear Sister Aisha,

    Reading your story, i can find few of similaritiies in your and mine. Well in my case, it was the guy who broke the engagement and then afterwards he got married to someone else and however before the engagement he was claiming to love me endlessly and things like that... Infact that person promised me a pack of lies and afterward broke his promise and let me tell every brother and sister reading this post that i did Istekarah before accepting the proposal, however it was broken. At that time i was completely devastated, since not only that guy played with my feelings but also hurt me and my parents badly by acting in a very cheap manner. i was not in love with him, however due to my broken engagement, i felt humiliated and If suicide would not have been prohibited in Islam, may be i would have committed suicide, because society is always there to pass on judgement on you, especially on a girl.
    On top of that, after being cruel and after playing with me that guy got married and today he even have a child, so can you imagine my plight. I kept asking myself what fault have i committed, why Allah has punished me while i was not the one at fault and the one who did wrong to me is leading a happy life. Then i realise that this is shaytaan playing with me, i prayed a lot to Allah and did lot of sabr and accepted this as part of my destiny. i admit as a human being i am weak and at time i was desperate and was thinking may be no one would now come in my life after this incident and what would happen to me in the future. Fourtunately i have a best friend who is like a sister to me and she kept on telling me that leave everything in Allah's hand, you never Know what he has reserve for you in the future
    Four year after this incident in my life, i met another muslim guy, well a cousin and now i am happily engaged to him and inshAllah will get married next year in February. compared to that other person, he is someone much more pious and religious and has a great sense of family value. Today i thank allah a lot and i am very happy that my engagement to that other guy was broken and i realised that everything happen by devine decree, as my cousin was written i my destiny, my engagement was broken. we can make lot of plan sis, but Allah has plan of his own. In deed the guy whom i was engaged to live in the same city i live, while my cousin to whom i am actually engaged live miles away from me, in another country, but somohow we met and got engaged, as this was written in my destiny. Even in my wildest dream i have never thought that one day i will be engaged to my uncle son's since my parents immigrated to another country.
    so sister my advice to you never lose hope, dont ponder on the past, pray to Allah for a better future.

  9. Sister,

    Life is often filled with regrets for one thing or another. Having regrets is a part of life, we all have them for one reason or another. You did what was best for you at the time and that's what is important. May Allah guide a pious brother your way when you are ready for marriage.

    Salam

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