Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Heartbroken: I rejected one and then was rejected by the other

broken heart, hurt heart,

Assalamualaikum

I'm a 20 years old muslimah girl whose name is Nayla. I am in the severe pain of heartache now. These words may not express how I feel right now. I just want to share the pain I've been going through now with you all my dear brothers and sisters who are always in Allah's protection, In Shaa Allah, Ameen.

I was in love with an Indian guy who was 22 years old. I met him through online on net. I found him as a good muslim guy In Shaa Allah. We used to talk to each other everyday until we found ourselves falling in love to each other. Until one day, we talked about marriage and he wanted to marry me even though we were from different countries. He is an Indian and I'm an Indonesian. I loved him dearly and wanted to be with him as well. So, I decided to tell my parents and all of my brothers and sisters but I was not able to have approval to marry him. They said no because many considerations, specially very long distance and culture difference. I was so down and they forced me to be away from him. I did what they wanted me to do.

It was a very difficult moment I had to undergo. I was so depressed and my condition just got worst. It lasted about 2 months. My parents worried about me so much till they took me to do "Ru'qiyah" as they found me changing so much. It was not like me. We went to my sister's house in a certain place, she is married. Her husband asked for someone to do "Ru'qiyah" to me. I did it twice but I didn't react as how people normally do when they are doing "Ru'qiyah". However, Alhamdulillah, I felt much better and calmer than before.

In the very next day, I got a very surprising news from my sister. She told me that she wanted to introduce me to a guy who was my brother's in law's friend. We call it as "Ta'aruf" in Islam. I felt hard to do so as I was still in heartache but then they wanted me to do so. Finally, I did. I was not sure with the guy I met but all of my family agreed it and encouraged me to be with him. He known as a pious, mature, nice, caring guy. That guy also showed his interest in me by telling my brother's in law. Because of my devotion to my parents so I followed what they suggested to take this seriously.

As both of our family had approved about the idea of this so that guy called me up and we talked about several things related to our plan for marriage.  I was starting liking him to find him who seemed to be a nice person. However, a week later, he called me up and said to me about waiting for his answer until 3 months, I was so confused why he did so. I just kept asking him to tell me honestly what he was hiding from me. Finally, he said to me that his uncle wanted him to do "Ta'aruf" with a girl. I took a conclusion that he wanted to compare me with the girl he was gonna meet. I was so disappointed and asked him to answer me at time. Till, he said that he couldn't continue the process with me.

I couldn't hardly believe in what I heard. I could vividly see his interest in me but how easy he decided to move on. Earlier, he said that he had got the approval from his family to intend to marry me but just a few days later he said so that his family wanted him to do "Ta'aruf" with that girl. I feel being fooled. I am so sad to feel this pain again. How should I cope with the pain I'm going through? Does that guy have right to do this to me? Can I say that he has done "dzalim" to me?  Can it be accepted Islamically about what he did to me? Or is this a punishment for me because I did something wrong in the past by talking to a non muhrim I loved? How can I forgive and forget him?

Jasakallah Khoiron Katsiran

Wassalamualaikum

-Nayla


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10 Responses »

  1. assalamu alaykum my beloved sister,

    I understand what your going through May Allah swt make it easy for you. Be PATIENT and supplicate to Allah swt.

    you need to make tawbah for the mistake you made previously than you need to understand that everything is through the will of Allah swt, Whatever He wills to happen shall be and whatever he wills not to happen wont happen therefore you must be patient and content with what Allah swt has decreed to you. the second guy you were getting to know is obviously confused otherwise he wouldn't have changed his mind that quickly never mind his not the only man in the world, better man shall come inshaAllah dont worry..Allah swt Love's you thats why His testing you.

    Our beloved prophet (pbuh) said: "When Allah who is Great and Glorious loves people He afflicts them [with trials]. (Tirmidhi)

    My advice to you:

    1. Be patient, teach yourself to be patient you will need it in this world
    2. Say ALHAMDULILLAH for what has happened
    3. strive in the way of Allah..that is learn more about your religion if there is any islamic classes attend them!!!
    4. Make dua!!!!!!!! build a strong connection with Allah swt
    5. Pray salawat on our beloved Prophet (pbuh) 100* day
    6. read Quran
    7. MOVE ON!! dont look back
    8. Be happy, go out with your friends, enjoy yourself
    9. before saying yes to any proposal pray your istikhara, ask about the person, FINALLY you should put your trust in Allah swt
    10. Smile
    11. Be the good person you are!

    from your letter it shows that you are obedient to your parents Allah swt will reward you for that!! if humans reward kindness and obedience than Allah swt is the creator of humans how can He not..

    Know that what happened to you is for your own good imagin you married him and than later he decides to leave you..say Alhamdulillah it happened now.

    i wish you all the best.. ill remember you in my dua plz remember me :-)

    your sister

  2. Nayla, I'll be honest with you. I don't think your brother-in-law's friend did anything terrible. He was interested in you, the two of you spoke and discussed your plan for marriage, and then for whatever reason he changed his mind. Maybe he decided that the two of you are not completely compatible. That's his right. I think he didn't want to tell you, "I feel you are not right for me." He should have been honest, that would have been better, but there's no sin involved in someone changing his mind.

    As far as moving forward, umm yusuf's suggestions are excellent and I second everything she said.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. Salaam sister.
    It is better he changes his mind now before you would have married him, rather than after. Marriage is not an issue to be taken lightly. I agree with brother Wael that chances are he thought you and him were both incompatible which is fair enough. You were saved from marrying someone unsuitable for you, Alhumdulilah. Even if he changed his mind for wrong reasons, or his family were pressurising him it doesn't matter - he simply wasn't right for you and no one would want a 'Yes' man.

    What I am trying to say is regardless of his reasons, he was not good for you. So Allah swt removed him from your life. In time InshaAllah you will see its a blessing and you will not care for this guy. Rejection does hurt and many have been through it.

    Ponder on this point. It's beautiful and true:
    Sometimes we hate a thing which is good for us and love a thing which is bad for us.

    Sara
    IslamicANswerseditor

  4. asalamalaikum Nayla,

    it must be very disappointing for you, but trust Allah,s plan for you. inshallah when the right person comes along the marriage plan will not fell through and inshallah Allah will put barakah in it. dont be heart broken, just leave the matter to Allah.

    however i dont agree with brother Wael, i think it is wrong to talk to someone and build their hopes about marriage etc and then change mind.changing ones mind is ones right but it is definitely wrong to lead someone on. it is wrong first to show eagernes and then pull back, i find it equivalent to deceiving someone, as the other person is taking their word as true, as they are true themselves.

    i cant add any thing more to what umm yusuf has said. excellent advice. even i benefitted from her advise.

    look after yourself.

    • Sister Nayla your only 20, your young, forget about these guys and move on. Be proactive in finding the a spouse and inshaAllah you will come across the right person who will respect you and seeriously consider you for marriage.

      I dont agree with brother Wael either, what this guy did is selfish. He invested time with you and mentioned approval from his family to marry you and then randomly decided to meet another girl while he was talking with you - how disrespectful. Terrible behavior. He is not worth it.

      In the search to find the right person you may come across lots of wierd people, I hope that unlike me you stay strong and are able to maintain your honour and dignity. I pray sincerely that Allah swt makes this easy for you, and He brings the right person to you at the right time and keeps you protected from all others, ameen.

      Please keep me in your duas.

    • Walaikum salaam,

      First, let me say that I believe that everyone has the right to change their mind up to the point of signing the nikkah. I know that it would be hurtful to wait till such a time, but it is better than living in misery. However, if the intentions are good, it will never reach this point of inflicting heartache.

      The point of contention is a very good one to examine: can any person talk to two different people simultaneously while speaking of marriage?

      My personal belief is that it harms not only the other person, but the respective soul. Even with the caveat that the man can take several wives, he should be willing to inform the young woman of his intentions to seek numerous proposals up front. It was apparent that he thought wrong of this initially and tried to hide it till pressured further. That in itself tells of his own distaste in the matter, since he tried to hide his actions. For if he believed that it was the right thing to do, he would have announced it forthrightly. Thankfully, the young woman here discovered the truth.

      Yet, a man should not underestimate the delicate nature of a woman and should be very aware of his role in this regard, especially to a young, virgin woman who is susceptible to falling in love very easily. The young heart dreams of the loving married life and all its' bounties. It is often said that from a very young age, marriage is something that the young girl imagines of, acts out in her playtime and carries in her hopes for most, if not all, of her single life. Therefore when a young man becomes a potential suitor, he should keep in mind that this delicate flower can be easily hurt and crushed. Her feelings are completely laid bare and plenty of tears will be shed if she is treated unfairly.

      Also in the reverse scenario, as a man, if a woman told me she was speaking to another man to compare me to him at the same time, I would have nothing to do with her. I see that as something below the dignity of womanhood, and so I would urge the brothers to remind themselves of that fact. The intention to marry should also contains the ability and means to focus on one proposal at a time.

      So both parties should be cautious of the other's feelings. Such is the way of married life, as well. Therefore, proper and kind proposals should be treated as the initial practice to marriage: steeped in appropriate consideration for another person.

  5. Jasakallah Khoiron Katsiran for all your advises and sympathy my brothers and sisters. May Allah reward you with His blessing and mercies. Indeed, we always realize that late. I wrote it about a month ago when I was feeling so depressed but later on, I came to realize that everything happening is not a coincidence. It is Allah's will and if He wills then none can stop it. We all plan but Allah also has plan for us which must be better then ours. Now, I just leave everything to Him. May He give me patience and grant me with a better one In Shaa Allah, Amin.

    • Alhamdulillah! It's always nice to see the OP return and tell us what had happened. Thank you for the duas and wishes, may Allah (swt) guide you carefully and that He always show you the best of His Wisdom.

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