Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am scared of losing him, I love him a lot but he is not happy with me

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I have been crying everyday and he does not care

Asasalaam walaikum,

i have been married for 2years and my husband recently got his visa and came to live wid me. we live wid my parents.

i work two part time jobs and i am a full time college student. it hasnt been a year since he came and he wants to go bak to c his family. he is taking all our savings just to go on this trip to c his family. he told me i cant go wid him. i told him i am struggling to keep up wid my college tuition and he told me to tell my parents to help pay.

whenevr he talks to me its always in a yelling manner. he never wants to share nything, says its his private life and i have no right to ask about it. i have been on depression medication becuz of him and hav tried to take my life.

i love him and try to do everything for him (ppl say i pampare him too much) right after i finishd my 12th grade and got a job i used to send him money to spend cuz he used to say he doesnt hav any. i found out his family is rich from my parents. he talks to random girls bt gets mad if i talk to a male coworker. he wont give or tell me how much money he makes. he has hit me when he gets mad ( although he does not consider it beating cuz i do not bruise or bleed) and threatens to leave me. he also says im crazy and he regrrts getting married to me .

i love him still and try to make his life comfortable. i cook upon working and going to college (he wants me to not go since we are financially unstable) , i do not meet my frnds or go out if he does not want me to, i have fought wid my parents bcuz of him, and i do not take my siblings ny where since he came here since he doesnt lik kids. if i touch him widout his permission he gets very angry. yet he says he loves me.

i have been crying everyday and he does not care . he only talks about how he is leaving to go c his parents (he is leaving for half a year). we do not have any happy conversations nymore. i am scared of losing him, i love him a lot bt he is not happy wid me.


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17 Responses »

  1. Dear sister , Salam . Im so sorry to hear ur story . Why is the people like this . I have the same story like u . I also love my wife madly . I did everything for her . I used to feed her with my hand , make her shower , loation on her body , oil and comb her hair , apply make up on her face , massage her middle of the night when she feels pain. u can say I was like slave . i treated her like my princes . i always used to call her baby or sweetheart but she left me . she promised me so many things but ........... Speacially when someone want something he or she doesnt get . like u sister Im crying everyday for my wife . i cant sleep and eat . im getting so slim and sick . anyway sister , always pray to Allah and he will sure help u . i understand ur pain . plz do Namaz 5 times and try to chear up urself . i know its hard but u cant do anything . Allah bless u always sister .

  2. Hello my dear sister,

    You wrote quite a bit- So here is a summary of what you wrote so i make sure i am understanding you:

    - you have been married for 2 years but not together- and now he recently moved in
    - you are working very hard to make money and go to school
    - he want to take all your savings and go back to visit his family and want your parents to help
    - he talks to you in a yelling manner, doesnt want to share, - and you are taking depression medication bc of him
    - I love him- send him money- he lied to me he was rich- gets jeolous very easy and doesnt apply same standards,
    - he hits me and threatens to leave me and says he regrets marrying me
    -does not want me to go to college,
    -he does not like kids and my siblings?
    - he does not care if you cry- and talks about leaving for half a year
    I love him but he is not happy with me.....

    My sister, i wish i can send you hug- you have been through alot.

    1) Do let anyone beat you. Do you understand that. Hitting you and getting angry easy- is not normal nor is it acceptable. If he ever reaches that level, you look him in the eye and tell him to leave the room before he hits you because that is not how someone should treat anybody. I dont care if you swear at him and do whatever to provoke him, he should be man enough to not touch you that way. This is abuse Just because there is no blood it does not mean it doesn hurt. again i will say it- iIT IS NOT OKAY FOR HIM TO HIT YOU! not okay, you stand up for yourself and do not take that kind if treatment.

    2) He always wants to go back- sister this is very understandable as he just moved to totally new country with new people and a new wife whom he never ever lived with before. so yes he will miss his parents. But the weird thing is, why would he go there for half a year? Does his marriage not mean anything to him, that he can just get up in leave and not care?

    3) He does not like kids? How will he be as a father if he does not like kids? Will he hit them too when he gets angry? Unless he is willing to change, how will you have kids with him? Is he long term material?

    4) He wants money from your parents...does he not work or is he looking for work? As a married man, he has to take care of your basic needs. He cannot be using your money all the time. Islamically, your money is your own, he is supposed to be the main provider- NOT your parents and you.

    5) Taking depression medicine and thinking about taking your own life is not the way to go. What you need to do is deal with the issues in your life and throw the junk they are feeding you in those pills. They are not magic and will not solve your marital issues. You can take those pills till the day you die, but they dont do anything for you- you have to face reality as marriage is hard, its not a fairy tale. You need to face your issues head on- you write down what is bothering you most and look at soloutions and ideas and talk to your husband openly. Turn to Allah at times of struggle not commiting suicide. Allah is the best medicine.

    You need to talk to your husband frankly- tell him to stop the abuse and anger, and talk about what is going on. - He might be adjusting and having a hard time moving in to a new place. Also, it seems you are really busy- are you guys spending any time together? Do you get to have fun and just relax away from home? It may a new place, and you are always working/studying and he may be getting zero of your attention? Maybe ..just a theory.

    Sister, f he continue to abuse you because "he is angry" (the lamest excuse in the book)- tell him to get out and learn how to treat a women properly. If he says he regrets marrying you, ask him why and see if he is willing to work on the relationship- if not- let him him go home forever and not come back- and NO do not pay for his ticket. His parents can pay for his tickets.

    Sister, i hope for your sake he is just stressed about take a new environment and open up to you, but if he shows no kindness and no change- there are signs in life that we have to follow. If someone is not good to you and you are constantly unhappy, then you should just let him go. You love someone, but do they love you?

    After all this- always make dua, Allah is the best counselor. Pray and ask Allah to make things easy for you. Struggle is a part of life, no man or marriage is perfect- but take this challenge and deal with it in a healthy way and allah will reward you for your patients, your struggle, and your triumph- and always say alhamdulilah.

    Hope you are doing well and may Allah make things easier for you my dear.

    Samira

    • i'm not too sure about your advice in regards to taking anti depressants. I don't think you are qualified to give that sort of advice. If taking pills helps then so be it. It is not a sign of weakness but rather another form of treating mood and helping in cognitive function allowing clear thinking.

      The depression you think of is not depression but rather everyday sadness. clinical or situational depression is more difficult to cope and sometimes needs intervention.

      wasalam

  3. Salaams,

    Personally, I would not wait for a "next time he hits". I would go ahead and break this relationship now. When a man crosses that line even once, it's grounds to end things. If he's done it multiple times there should be no question that this relationship is not healthy and not going to get better with time. How can your parents allow this to go on in their own home? Do they even know this has happened to you? Sister, if they are unaware, you should tell them immediately so they can have this man put out. If I was your mother, I would have the police called on him without wasting any time.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Salaam sister.

    I think there might be another women involved back home. There are some clear signs from him, please investigate and try to find out if there is any other women. I hope im wrong! could he be using you for visa? His attide and behaviour is wrong and unacceptable. DO NOT give him anymore money, you need to stand up for yourself because he abusing your love and using you. Find out why he is going back home for so long something is not right here.

  5. Dear,
    Also a big lesson is this is your first few months together as a married couple. Marriage is very hard and is challenging. You need to know that and he needs to know that. You are not going to say and do all the right things all the time. You are not even together for a year! so give yourself some time to get used to him and him to get used to you.

    Try to repair the marriage if he is interested, but as someone else said if he is not interested -make sure he is not there using u just for your money and your visa.

    You need two hands to clap- you cant do all the repairing alone.

    Samira

    • Salaams,

      I'm sorry, but you are giving advice as though there was not violence in this marriage. Please help me understand how you are advising someone to "try to work things out" with someone who hits her?? And had the audacity to do so in her parents home?

      Maybe you have never been abused by a man before ( Alhamdulillah if that's the case) but you cannot expect men who do this to women to be reasonable and give them second chances. It's just putting her in more danger to advise her to do so.

      -Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. Dear Amy, glad i found your reply before i left home-

    Thank you for pointing that out- I am NOT saying stay in an abusive relationship.

    What I am trying to say is that they have only lived with each other for a few weeks, its huge learning curve for both on how to be together. You dont get married and just know how to be a good husband/wife automatically. I am not saying stay together, and be abused. I am just putting this post into context. I apologize if it came out that way.

    And as i said before:

    "Sister, if he continue to abuse you because "he is angry" (the lamest excuse in the book)- tell him to get out and learn how to treat a women properly. If he says he regrets marrying you, ask him why and see if he is willing to work on the relationship- if not- let him him go home forever and not come back- and NO do not pay for his ticket. His parents can pay for his tickets."

    • How is it a learning curve or huge learning curve to know that you shouldn't hit a woman? If there is an answer to this question, I do not even want to know because in my eyes, it is over. Worst yet, he says it is not abuse because she doesn't bleed or bruise. I would really be interested in the statistics of how many women taught their spouses to stop hitting them?

      If this was my daughter or sister, she would not be going back especially given the rest of the circumstances.

  7. im sorry to hear your pain, your husband has no right to your money. does he work if not then he should be the one supporting you and shouldn't be using your money end off FACT. Whats more alarming is the way he treats you and how its affecting your well being. You need to stand your ground and please do not give him anymore money or access to any of your money. I hate to say it but he is using you because it dont even sound like he loves you, only when he wants something and sorry that's not a healthy relationship to be in or marriage. May allah help you inshallah

    • if he wants to keep going pakistan make him work for it nothing should be given to someone for free everyone has to start to earn and provide for themselves this should not be allowed husband or not no one should use someone for money either this is haraam in my eyes

  8. - When a man loves you he will treat you right.
    Its quiet obvious that he does not love you.

    - 'Men are the Maintainers and Protectors' regardless if your working your husband must provide for you.
    When a Muslim man exploits his wife's wealth I see it as exploitation.

    - To me it seems like he is just using you.
    or his just a gold digger.

    - A women I know left her husband for only slapping her once.
    Don't wait for next time to leave do it now
    immediately !!!!!
    you don't need his so-called.:)

  9. Sister you say you don't want to lose your husband but from what you have written you have never had him, he sounds like a user with no shame how can he ask you for money live off you and your parents and to top it off HIT you, and trying to take your life over this man Subhan'Allah what would you do if he was a decent man and he left you i dredge to think, you need to no your WORTH how can someone respect you if you think so low of yourself i'm sorry to be harsh but stand up for yourself and love yourself first,

  10. Dear Sister Glassheart,

    The sad part is that before I finished reading your post, I already knew that you were going to say that he hits you. What that should tell you is that all the tell-tale signs are in this ABUSIVE relationship. I completely agree with Sister Amy 100%....you could even say 110%! Do not continue in this marriage.

    Unfortunately, in some cultures, and I won't assume which background you are, but I am sure I know, all the responsibility is put on the girl and the roles are reversed for responsibility but the respect and honour is just for the men. Although my husband never hit me--his behaviour was similar and especially this sense of entitlement over your money without a sense of taking any responsibility for you.

    Trust me please when I say you do not need this. Right now you have your youth and energy and when you overdue it, you will suffer physically in the long run. The people who are telling you that you are pampering him are RIGHT! I'm sorry that people think marriage should be difficult and you really have to work at it. LOL. Yeah, ok, the difficulties are there, but there should be more pleasure and joy and happiness in the marriage than difficulties and the first little while is supposed to be the honeymoon period! So if this is the best time, then imagine what is to come.

    I would say that it's over. You can either learn that now or learn it later when you have children and will be on your own WHETHER YOU ARE MARRIED TO HIM OR NOT.

    I can't believe that you said that part about bleeding and bruising. Please please love yourself and understand that Allah created you -- you are His cherished person! He doesn't love you, he LOVES TO CONTROL you and loves himself only. Stop being blind, for a moment, imagine reading this post as though you were reading something a friend told you...would you tell her to stay and try to work it out?? Seriously, just see it from a different perspective.

    DO NOT GIVE UP ON YOUR STUDIES...he doesn't want you to go, not because of finances, but because it will make you financially strong and independent and you will SEE THROUGH HIM! Wake up and take control of the wonderful life that Allah gave to you. InshaAllah, all will be well. DO NOT WAIT FOR HIM TO HIT YOU AGAIN....like he would stop if you said "oh, do not hit me".. Seriously, I can't believe anyone would write that and there is no way he would stop--Just think about the look in his eyes at that moment and how he belittles your feelings by saying..."oh you didn't bleed or bruise". I am VERY SORRY, but I was disgusted when I read that and it is beyond unacceptable.

    May Allah ease your difficulties and bring you happiness and give you strength to leave this man and move on with your life. Ameen. Thummah Ameen.

    • i agree with you and amy masallah really good advise to the sister, my heart goes out to her and the pain she is going through, may allah make it easier for her inshallh

  11. Sellamu Alleikum

    OH ALLAH, what is wrong with some of these cultural Muslim views on handling marriage problems..???
    This is just on ONE comment on here..
    First of all, just because you use double-standards in every day life; does not mean when you get into an abused marriage topic you still protect MEN.."MAINTAINERS OF WOMEN" -forget your double standards lady with a comment about "working it out", WORK WHAT OUT?? For Sake of Allah, WORK OUT WHAT???

    "MEN ARE MAINTAINERS OF WOMEN"-this loser BUM obviously ISN'T...no ladies he does not work, that kind don't work !These parasites lay on sofa all day on laptop(belonging to person leached off) facebook and interect with opposite sex, eat their food(leached off individual), complain when host is home, have no respect for hand that fed them, beat abuse , cheat and so many other.

    Sister, this is your Learning process for your WHOLE self..and I HOPE and PRAY to ALLAH that it's for your EMAN.. as well :/

    It's a Learning process for your WHOLE self I said..You need to have Confidence and Self-Esteem in yourself = LOVE YOU. (but this takes time ,my dear) you had to go through this first, to experience that.
    And I hope that you do Glassheart, I hope that you dont let this glass break..because my sister what does not kill you, only can make you STRONGER.
    but make sure it DOES.
    Get rid of this LOSER NOW..HE GOTTA FLEE BACK TO WHERE HE CAME FROM..
    Cuz I think he got women over there waiting for him so he can stay with her for 6 months??? grrrrahhhhhhh
    My prayers are with you SISTER, open your EYES..AND LOCK ALL UR ACCOUNTS..IF HE ALREADY TOOK THE MONEY GET IT BACKK ..INVOLVE UR FAMILY SO YOU CAN GET UR MONEY BACK...ASAPP...YOU WILL REGRET IT LATER IN LIFE IF YOU DON'T.
    Sellams And Love from Windy city
    Sabera

  12. Hi, Asalaam waliakum,

    Thank You all for your replies. I really value your advice.

    It has been a while and things have changed between us. He is leaving in a week - he bought the ticket with his own money. He still does not allow me to ask him how much money he has and how much he is taking. He has not hit me since we had a really big arguement and I tried to kill myself. During this argument we said things to each other. I told him I can not live with him like this anymore. If he wants to work things out he has to change. I told him if he can't handle that and if he will be more happy widout me then be my guest we can get a divorce becuase I do not want to live life with stress all the time. Since this fight things have changed drastically. And I think for the better.

    Although I am sad he is leaving and for such a long time, I am happy for his happiness. I know no one would stay with a person who abuses them. I understand what you guys mean by I should leave him and live my life to the fullest. I currently do not know what to do, maybe I will wait it out until he comes back.

    I know I made him seem like a very bad person, and that was because I was going through a period of sadness and hardship. Currently we are doing good. I want to try to make this work before quiting on him. I do not plan on having kids until we get over this mess.

    I believe that even though this may be him and he should have a sense of what is right and what is wrong, he is a good person. He cares for me, just the other day he went out (first time he went out widout me, usually we go out together - he doesnt have any friends here) and he was shopping for gifts for his family and he saw something he liked for me and bought it. This made me happy. Although he may be stubborn and not like my siblings he is learning to love them. I have seen him sometimes sitting with my brother playing video games, he jokes around with them and now he even doesnt mind picking them up from somewhere if my parents asked him to (before he would get really mad and say he is not a driver).

    He has been paying the bills and says for me to not worry he is going to change. To me he is a child. He wines, hes stubborn gets angry easily and small things make him happy. My earlier post was very negative depiction of him and I feel bad for that. I realize abuse is not a good thing, but one should allow for change to take place. He has always been babied by his family. They call him everyday asking how he is (literally everyday, if he is exhausted and falls asleep and does not call them, they call us). They have never questioned him, let him do what he wants and never put restrictions on him(they are kind and loving people but they just need to learn to let go and that he is not a child anymore). He does not have good examples at home on how to act. his siblings have not gone through a good relationship. He does not know how to show love because he has always obtained it without effort and he has never seen it given to anyone but kids in his house.

    I guess it makes sense that he is going because he is in this new environment and does not know how to reat to it. But what surprises me is that he does not want me to come. Whenever I joke about me going he gets really mad.

    He has apologized for all the things he has done. He said he wantes to change. That he will make it so that I wont have to work and I can do my studies without distractions after he comes back .

    Although me and him are doing better, my ties with others around me are not good. My best friend won't talk to me. My parents say I do not do much for the family anymore, I do not hang out with them I am always with my husband, this is because he does not like to be around people he doesnt know. he says my parents are not talkative, but he never tries to talk to them - i guess it will be a learnign process. My school work has gone bad. I used to be a A student and now I am barely keeping up. I do not know what has happened. He is trying to make this work but everything else seems to be falling apart.

    I have been sick for the past week and a half - longest I have ever been - i do not know if this is a side effect of me stressing. I stopped eating the pills a while ago. he does not want me to be depended on them.

    Currently I am unsure what to do, but with all your blessing and prayers I want to make this work. I dont believe in breaking relationships. i have lost too many peopel in my life to lose him too.

    - glassheart

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