I am scared to tell my parents I have done Nikah
I have done nikah with my boyfriend of last 8 years.
Now I am scared how to tell that to my parents. His family approached my parents for our marriage but my father is not ready and has asked them to wait for one year.
Please tell me what to read so that my parents and family agree for our marriage. And also how to make my husband love me more as we end up arguing due to all these tensions.
- ishrat
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Ishrat, Asalaamualaykum,
If you and your husband are arguing, this is probably due to the fact that you have started your relationhship off in the worst possible way, how can you expect it have any blessings under the circumstances. By marrying in secret, you have done something very wrong. Some schools of thought will tell you that your marriage is invalid because the Prophet(saw) said: "Marriage without wali is invalid, invalid, invalid." Some will say the marriage is valid but is highly immoral and you have displeased Allah.
In order to keep some sort of peace in your family, I would encourage you to convince your father that you want to marry now, not later. If he does not have a valid reason, keep trying, ask your mother and other family members to convince him. Are you sure that your father actually wants to marry you to this man? It could be that he does not want this and so is purposely using 'time' as an excuse.
Get the ball rolling, so that your father atleast sets a date as soon as possible. In the mean time, I would suggest you stay away from this man until your father marries you to him. I would also advise you and this man to do immense tawbah for your sins.
Because this is such a serious issue, I would feel better if you went to see a local imam and consulted with him as the advice I am giving you is similar to what I have heard an Imam give to someone in the same situation. Ideally, it would be best for you to convince your father to marry you both asap as if your father were to object to the marriage, you would have to come clean and face the music.
***
Sister, marriage is not a joke. It is a beautiful and sacred institution gifted to us from Allah and you have made a complete mockery of it by marrying in secret. Atleast now, do the right thing: Do tawbah, improve yourself and your character by praying salaah etc, convince your father, speak to an Imam and stay away from this boy until you know the legality of your relationship and until things have been made public.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
YOU SHOULDN'T BE HAVING A BOYFRIEND TO BEGIN WITH !!!!!!!!
THE MAN IS FIRST SUPPOSED TO GET THE PERMISSION OF THE GIRL'S FATHER
OR PATERNAL GRANDFATHER. THEY CAN'T HAVE ANY SORT OF
PHYSICAL CONTACT BEFORE THAT.
Don't type in all caps please.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister,
Although you should have respected your parents decision, I don't see anything wrong in what you have done:
Ibn ‘Abbaas narrated that the Prophet said: ''The best solution for those who love each other is to marry.” [Ibn Maajah]
Prophet(saw) said: "O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty (i.e. his private parts from committing illegal sexual intercourse etc.), and whoever is unable should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual desire (i.e. helps one control it)." [Al-Bukhaari and Muslim]
Therefore, if you and your husband loved each other very much, then the solution for this was to facilitate the marriage; it is sufficient that your'll wanted to keep yourself chaste from what is forbidden.
However you should endeavor to convince your parents with every permissible means, among which is to seek the help of some people who may influence them that you'll are ready to marry. If they are convinced, praise be to Allaah, but if this is not possible then you should tell them the truth that you'll are already married. Keeping this a secret for long may have drastic consequences. You may fall pregnant; you would then be accused of zina. Sister to protect your dignity, tell them the truth!
Rumaysa
Rumaysa,
I disagree with you. How can you see no wrong in what this sister has done? The two hadiths that you have quoted above came to my mind too, but this is not a licence for people to bypass the role of the parents in marriage. If the couple had tried to marry through the correct channels but the wali would not give permission, then I would say 'I can understand why you married in secret,' but it does not seem that any attempt was made. Of course it seems that the sister was in her own way trying to legalise her relationship, but the way in which she did so was very twisted.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister Z
"His family approached my parents for our marriage but my father is not ready and has asked them to wait for one year". This clearly indicates that they have made an attempt. What was she supposed to do? Live in sin for an entire year?
Rumaysa
I was of the impression that the sister had her nikah done in secret and the boy's father asked for her hand in marriage afterwards. Maybe I misinterpreted what she said, it is unclear.
But regardless, I don't think marrying in secret is right in these circumstances. The boy and girl should have pushed the parents and should have tried to gain support from the wider family, even spoken to an imam to convince their parents. If after all this effort, the parents still wanted to wait one year (which I am sure any sensible parents would not), they could have chosen to be patient for that time instead of choosing to sin, OR they could have told their parents openly that they were going to get married immediately and that they would be most happy if they all attended - but should not have done nikah in secrecy.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I dont agree with you sister rather than comiting the 2nd bigest sin in islam nikah is better option god will help them cuz they did it to avoid a biggest sin
Sr. Rumaysa
The purpose of the walima in Islam is to "advertise" to the world, that this man and woman are married. Islam PROTECTS women by doing this and hence preventing "secret" marriages in which that man may take sexual advantage of the woman (and the woman also is equally involved in illicit sex) but she stands MORE to lose in such secret marriages. If the parents do not agree, she could have another elder of the family help her. If the guy is a good muslim, parents too have no right to stop the nikah based on cultural mumbo jumbo that they may consider. Cannot quote the exact verse, but The Quran states that parents can not stop something that Allah has allowed by shariah - the only time to disobey parents is if they are engaged in kufr and want the child to follow their example.
Assalam o alaikum,
Dear sister, I must tell you that it was the past when you did Nikah secretly. Let's analyse it with Islamic perspective:
1. You tried Nikah without Wali, which makes this marriage invalid
2. You have also overheard the instruction of your father, who was your ameer until you marry someone. So at the point you did Nikah, you disobeyed the ameer, which means you disobeyed Allah.
If you truely concentrate on the pleasure of Allah, and seeking refuge from Allah's anger, then be courageous now, Allah is with you. Gain taqwa, and be fearless as the fear is not for those who have taqwa(th rfear from Allah, and the hope from Allah).
You and your boyfried must do thauba, and you both go back and marry according to Shari'ah with the consent of your father. Let this truth be revealed in a way that you cannot be physically harmed. Let your father know that delaying marriage results in fitna, and the delay is against the instruction of Prophet Muhammed, PBUH.
Further to this I must ask you to use three weapons: thauba, praise Allah excessively through salaah and other ways, and seek gudance from Allah (through improvement in knowldedge and practice of deen constantly).
May Allah forgive you, guide you, and enlighten you both from all the sides.
Wa salam,
Javed Ahsan
salaam ishrat,
i am in the same situation almost, however i am not in a relationship we are just friends and apart from talking jave not done anything wrong, we both are 20 and would like to get married, his family think he is too young to marry and that is simply their only reason for not letting us do a nikah. my parents simply do not like the fact that i chose who i would like to marry rather than marrying my cousin. they have given no valid reason to why we cannot marry except comments like he is ugly. they also said that if i do not marry my cousin i jave to leave my home. they eventually made me leave and now i am living with my elder sister.
we still would like to do a nikah but none of our parents will agrer to this as my parents dont speak to me because i will not marry my cousin. i jave talked to my uncle and even he will not help. o have no elder brothers or any other elder males in my family. i dont know what to do!!!
Wassalam,
May Allah curse those parents who make difficult a sunnah of our beloved (SAW).
Dear Sister,
friendship is a relationship and friendship between opposing gender is haram. That was a mistake and you should ask Allah (SWT) for forgiveness.
Anyway, if the boy who wants to marry you is good in his deen and has a good character then there is no reason why your father should object to this proposition.
There is no forced marriage in Islam. You should inform your father (in the best possible manner) that he has absolutely no right to force you marry your cousin.
This guy needs to be able to provide for you on his own.
He does not need permission from his parents to marry you. But it is much much better that his parents agree with the marriage as it will avoid a lot of post marriage complications.
Evaluate this situation very very carefully before taking a decision. Think about what you are going to lose and if marriage to this guy is worth it.
If you still want to go forward I would advise you to contact and explain your situation to someone reputable in your community, an imam maybe, and asked him to advise your parents on your behalf.
Also ask the imam to talk to the guy and his parents.
The imam is legally allowed to do your nikah without your parents approval. But this happens on very restricted conditions. He has to evaluate your situation and then make a decision.
Do not forget to perform istikhara prayer.
May Allah make things easy for you.
Just a side note: If you post your question as a new post, you would get more responses and better ones as well.
Salaam.
thanks for your reply
i am saying it is not a relationship because i work with him so there is no way of not being in contact with him, this is how we started talking in the first place. he is a very good person and yes can support me, although he is 20 is very mature. i jave asked mosques in my area and areas around me, everywhere we ask they say to us that without my parents they cannot marry us as this could give a bad reputation to their mosque. my parents have already made me leave the house and i only see them when they come to see my elder sister.
i do nott want an imam to talk to them because they will not agree, they dont care about our religion they just care about culture and wgat the society will think if i do not marry my cousin.
i dont understand firstly why an imam would not marry is and care more about his reputation in SOCIETY rather than get a nikah so that we have a halal relationship in allahs eyes. i cant stay with my sister forever, we just want to marry and get on with our lifes. it is so hard
Your welcome.
I think that now you should leave this in the hand of the guy. Let him man up.
He should be the one talking to the imams and explaining the situation. If the imams are not convinced cause of cultural things then he let them know that they are going against Islamic teachings and he should look for another imam.
I would also urge you to ask about your situation on the Islamqa site. http://www.islamqa.com/en/send_q
Hope this helps
Salaam
Assalam o alaikum,
I and you, we all must fear Allah. And we must consider Islamic rulings as the only way to lead our life. Let me express the way to solve this situation.
1. First do tauba (repent from Allah) and stop this illegitimate relationship immediately. This will bless you the love of Allah, and Allah shall not dishearten you, and shall guide everyone in the chain. May Allah bless you, and the brother all khair, and steadfastness on your tauba...aameen
2. Now you should constantly try to arrange your marriage but with patience
3. In order to acquire patience, you have to take a rocky path of observing fast very very often. To the minimum, every first and second Monday, every first and second thursday, and three fast in the middle of the month; all as per Islamic month. You should start it from Mid of Shawwal (month after Ramadhan). Currently, prepare for Ramadhan.
4. Abstain talking to each other in isolation, but there is no harm if mehram is around you
Those who fear Allah are the only ones who deserve the guidance, and mercy of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
Wa salam,
Javed Ahsan