Self-hate, panic attacks and frustration; my life is not worth living
I want comments free of judgments and harshness because I'm going through a very tough time. If you cannot answer me with having mercy on me then please don't comment. And those who can help me please answer me, because I'm in need of sincere help, I have no one else to whom I can share my problem with and I just cannot help myself alone, because I feel torn apart into pieces.
This self-blame is gone to such extent that it is not possible for me to live with myself. Every single thing looks dark ahead because I feel like every hardship we are facing is because of me. I've stopped believing in myself and this self-hate is eating me alive, Literally! I'm a teen. My family is a complete fuss! I won't go in details as I've explained everything about my father's behavior in my previous post "My father tortures my mother, my brother speaks ill about Islam." (http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/father-tortures-mother/)
Eventually, his behavior instead of getting better, has gone worse. His recent fight has put me into a great shock. I'm unable to sleep, eat, talk, and even pray. I've stopped praying, masturbation is just making my life hell. I search on internet for "Is Allah there for me" or is Allah looking at my condition? Will I ever be guided and Will Allah forgive me etc.
I committed a lot of sins. I mean it, a lot of sins. I don't know whether or not they are major but I committed sins. Because I'm frustrated of myself. I had no place to go, I have no friends, no family (we live in a city where we have no relatives, they live in another city) 2 years back, I made two friends who were siblings, a boy and a girl.
They became my best friends, after one year, they left me, making me feel worse about myself. The girl called me a lot of bad things which made me hate myself even more. I can't forget it.
They emotionally and mentally abused me! I was bullied in school in my childhood, roaming alone around the school was the best thing I could do. I DID NOT HAVE FRIENDS. I was sexually abused when I was younger, when i was in class 3, about 7 or 8 years old. then again before 2 years. I still could not heal. My feelings are as followed:
1- Guilt, feeling everything was because of me, Why couldn't I stop him? Why? Why didn't I talk to anybody about it? And why couldn't I stop it? How can I be so irresponsible and careless that I could not even save myself. I feel like it was all my fault. I sometimes get thoughts like "What if that person went further and raped me, what would happen then? My life would have been destroyed. Even though he didn't, these thoughts kill me inside.
2- Shame, I'm unable to walk freely on this planet earth, when I was younger, reading about cases of sexual abuse and rape would just shock me and I though it could never happen to me. I always tried to save myself but why did God do this to me? Unlike other girls, I like staying away from people because I feel peace. I feel so disgusted now, feeling I have no one in my life. I really want to tell my mother about it but when I think about how would she react to it makes me keep quiet. So when I'm alone in my room,these thoughts come to me, all the flashbacks come to me, I stop doing whatever I'm doing and go to my mothers room and start crying like crazy. My life is a mess. My examination are near and I think I'm going to fail in them because the thoughts of shame and guilt kill me inside.
3- Fear, that this would happen again. I feel so insecure now!
4- Rejected by God, feel as if Allah curses me. Because I'm a bunch of dirt. I am scared of people around me. My life is turning into a mess
5- Self-blame, Everything happening around in mine and my mother's life is because of me.
From the last 8 months, I'm studying about Islam, more and more and I really want to turn to Allah but I feel like I'm far away from Him and He wouldn't accept me because He hates me. I feel though He'll also take away all the blessings and I'll go Hell-fire.
I feel like I have nothing to loose now. I'm a wreck, shame and nothing but a lifeless creature. I'm TRULY depressed and get anxiety attacks. I hate my body, I just can't resist it. I feel bad about it. I really want to get married now, but who in the world ever marry me? Why? How could someone marry me if he knows about my father, my past?
I was bullied throughout my life in school and my friends, hate me in fact I have no friends/my brother treats me like I am the worst person alive/he insults me in front of everyone i dont know why!
I want to get rid of my past. Live my life with peace. Because I'm struggling since I'm born and never became happy about myself. I want to forget everything that happened and live a peaceful and a happy life with my mother.
Please help me anybody. I'm depressed. If I explain my character, then to be honest I'm very merciful, I cannot see a child begging on the roads, I can't see an animal suffer, I can't see anyone cry or anyone being sad. I have even planned to adopt an orphan girl when I start my job in the future, and when I'm independent. I need help. I'd be glad if there are sincere answers.
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