Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Self-hate, panic attacks and frustration; my life is not worth living

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In a Hadith of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), a comparison is given of the believer and the unbeliever who commits a sin. For the believer, the sin towers over him like a tall building ready to collapse; whereas, for the unbeliever, the sin is like a fly that he slaps away but it keeps coming back. For the believer, the sin committed may not be a grave sin, but he ponders over the crime day and night, regretting it. For the unbeliever, it does not matter whether the sin committed was grave or not, because the sinner does not care of the consequences.

Salam.

I want comments free of judgments and harshness because I'm going through a very tough time. If you cannot answer me with having mercy on me then please don't comment. And those who can help me please answer me, because I'm in need of sincere help, I have no one else to whom I can share my problem with and I just cannot help myself alone, because I feel torn apart into pieces.

This self-blame is gone to such extent that it is not possible for me to live with myself. Every single thing looks dark ahead because I feel like every hardship we are facing is because of me. I've stopped believing in myself and this self-hate is eating me alive, Literally! I'm a teen. My family is a complete fuss! I won't go in details as I've explained everything about my father's behavior in my previous post "My father tortures my mother, my brother speaks ill about Islam." (http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/father-tortures-mother/)

Eventually, his behavior instead of getting better, has gone worse. His recent fight has put me into a great shock. I'm unable to sleep, eat, talk, and even pray. I've stopped praying, masturbation is just making my life hell. I search on internet for "Is Allah there for me" or is Allah looking at my condition? Will I ever be guided and Will Allah forgive me etc.

I committed a lot of sins. I mean it, a lot of sins. I don't know whether or not they are major but I committed sins. Because I'm frustrated of myself. I had no place to go, I have no friends, no family (we live in a city where we have no relatives, they live in another city) 2 years back, I made two friends who were siblings, a boy and a girl.

They became my best friends, after one year, they left me, making me feel worse about myself. The girl called me a lot of bad things which made me hate myself even more. I can't forget it.

They emotionally and mentally abused me! I was bullied in school in my childhood, roaming alone around the school was the best thing I could do. I DID NOT HAVE FRIENDS. I was sexually abused when I was younger, when i was in class 3, about 7 or 8 years old. then again before 2 years. I still could not heal. My feelings are as followed:

1- Guilt, feeling everything was because of me, Why couldn't I stop him? Why? Why didn't I talk to anybody about it? And why couldn't I stop it? How can I be so irresponsible and careless that I could not even save myself. I feel like it was all my fault. I sometimes get thoughts like "What if that person went further and raped me, what would happen then? My life would have been destroyed. Even though he didn't, these thoughts kill me inside.

2- Shame, I'm unable to walk freely on this planet earth, when I was younger, reading about cases of sexual abuse and rape would just shock me and I though it could never happen to me. I always tried to save myself but why did God do this to me? Unlike other girls, I like staying away from people because I feel peace. I feel so disgusted now, feeling I have no one in my life. I really want to tell my mother about it but when I think about how would she react to it makes me keep quiet. So when I'm alone in my room,these thoughts come to me, all the flashbacks come to me, I stop doing whatever I'm doing and go to my mothers room and start crying like crazy. My life is a mess. My examination are near and I think I'm going to fail in them because the thoughts of shame and guilt kill me inside.

3- Fear, that this would happen again. I feel so insecure now!

4- Rejected by God, feel as if Allah curses me. Because I'm a bunch of dirt. I am scared of people around me. My life is turning into a mess

5- Self-blame, Everything happening around in mine and my mother's life is because of me.

From the last 8 months, I'm studying about Islam, more and more and I really want to turn to Allah but I feel like I'm far away from Him and He wouldn't accept me because He hates me. I feel though He'll also take away all the blessings and I'll go Hell-fire.

I feel like I have nothing to loose now. I'm a wreck, shame and nothing but a lifeless creature. I'm TRULY depressed and get anxiety attacks. I hate my body, I just can't resist it. I feel bad about it. I really want to get married now, but who in the world ever marry me? Why? How could someone marry me if he knows about my father, my past?

I was bullied throughout my life in school and my friends, hate me in fact I have no friends/my brother treats me like I am the worst person alive/he insults me in front of everyone i dont know why!
I want to get rid of my past. Live my life with peace. Because I'm struggling since I'm born and never became happy about myself. I want to forget everything that happened and live a peaceful and a happy life with my mother.

Please help me anybody. I'm depressed. If I explain my character, then to be honest I'm very merciful, I cannot see a child begging on the roads, I can't see an animal suffer, I can't see anyone cry or anyone being sad. I have even planned to adopt an orphan girl when I start my job in the future, and when I'm independent. I need help. I'd be glad if there are sincere answers.

Allah's Servant.


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7 Responses »

  1. Phew!

    I reckon you are a sister. Well, Let me first appreciate that you have come a long way. Not a lot of people make it. A lot of your past has been tragic and you are not culpable for it.

    However, what you are doing with your life now, you cannot blame the circumstances. It is high time that you quit being a victim of your present circumstances.

    I know a lot of people will say that get over your past.. What's gone can't be undone but in reality it is damn tough. I've been emotionally wounded and that is How I discovered this website an year ago. I suffer from a similar anxiety syndrome but I try to make sure that I do not let my fears counter my aspirations.

    Your other self is always sorry for you. But your other self grows on sorrow; so all is well.

    Number 1 - Cease thinking that you are a wreck. You might have a lost a few battles but the war isn't over. I would be glad if you could change your approach towards life. In my humble opinion you are like one of those people who goes to the sea throwing pinches of salt. That is what a pessimist does.

    You cannot change the people around you. But, that doesn't mean that this what your life is all about. I think you could be a lot happy if you adhere to the below mentioned formula:

    Discipline - set up a timetable .. Following it might eb d'cult but make one and try your level best to make it work.
    Concentration - This is a herculean task but if you are studying then try to pay attention to detail rather than merely skimming it.

    Meditation
    - Again , try to take time out of your schedule to fix issues. there are dozens of meditation techniques available on the internet. Just youtube them and you are good to go.

    The moment you leave your mind vacant even for a while Satan will make you feel miserable. Try to focus on smaller yet pivotal things in your life. Yes, Something definitely makes you happy. Go to walk around the park, library and socialize a bit. Talk to kids or people of old age. Get a hobby and focus on yourself.

    Your insecurity will only open doors to anxiety and no matter how sorry you are about life and people, you cannot change them.

    Trust me, from your words, I still see a brave person in there. All you need is a push and you can sail with the wind.

    C'mon Allah doesn't curse anybody. Allah is not like us. He isn't mercurial. He knows you better that you know yourself. Allah is forgiving and merciful. You have just learnt about Islam for the last 8 months, you are not seeing anything positive. Believe me, there people who have persevered in Islam for years and every time a new challenge or night mare is at their door step.

    The biggest positive sign that I witness in You is that you are guilty of what you done. That's enough.

    As far as your statement goes, ' I've committed lots of sins'

    Should we all confess our sins to one another we would all laugh at one another for our lack of originality.
    Should we all reveal our virtues we would also laugh for the same cause.

    You have gone through a lot. But, there are two ways to see life. Allow me to demonstrate:

    " Oh Gosh, This has happened to me. What if a similar things happens to me inn future. What if She/He hurts me again."

    " I'm a brave person. I think the worst is over for me. I've gone through a lot and nobody could dare hurt me. I'm the son/daughter of my mother and I'm going protect myself and my mother."

    You choose the statement which you like as per your mental state.

    Lastly, It's all in your mind. I'm one of those guys who has lost in love. Every morning I wake up with a regret and I've failed to move on. Tears would roll down my eyes incessantly. But, that doesn't mean I should stop trying and think that my life is wreck.

    How Shall my heart be unsealed unless it be broken?

    Only great sorrow can reveal you the truth.

    I shall sum up this post with the beautiful Ayat from Surah 'Rad.

    Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.(13:11)

    May Allah bless you and guide you.

    :

  2. the ayat he gave you should be the answer to the question. allah does not hate u he forgives everything you do. your just losing hope and not having patiance shaitan is making u like this you just dont know it.just first do ghusl then start praying 5 times a day if you feel like masturbating get out of the place you are and do wudu and u should feel good and keep on doing this.try not to get fooled by shaitan you can do this dont lose hope sis.

  3. Assalamu'alaikum sister,

    You mentioned your character: "I cannot see a child begging on the roads, I can't see an animal suffer, I can't see anyone cry or anyone being sad."

    You are Allah's Creation and Allah Is your Creator. This is just your mercy. This mercy and the mercy of every creature that exists is just 1% of the Mercy Allah Created.

    Narrated Abu Huraira: I heard Allah's Apostle saying, Allah divided mercy into one-hundred parts and He kept its ninety-nine parts with Him and sent down its one part on the earth, and because of that, its one single part, His creations are Merciful to each other, so that even the mare lifts up its hoofs away from its baby animal, lest it should trample on it." (Sahih al Bukhari)

    Subhanallah! Do you still think Allah won't Forgive you if you turn to Him? Allah Said (in a Hadith Qudsi):

    'O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great as it.'" (Tirmidhi and Ahmad)

    Allah Forgives all sins if He Wills so but He does not Forgive Shirk if tawbah was not done.

    Sister, when people see problems in their lives, it is natural to become stressed. But look at this hadith:

    "How strange is the matter of a believer, there is good in all his affairs, and this is only for the believer. If something good happens to him and he is grateful, then this is good for him, and if a calamity befalls him and he is patient, then this is also good for him.” (Muslim)

    Concerning being Cursed by Allah, then just keep yourself away from the sins that invite His Curse. There are many sins that invite Allah's and His Messenger's curse according to the Quran and the Sunnah. Some of them are dealing in interest, dealing with alcohol or consuming it, acting like the opposite gender, practicing innovations, practicing homosexuality, cross-dressing, etc.

    Keep away from sins as mush as possible and do tawbah to Allah for the sins that you have committed. Having sinned, it does not mean you are doomed. You are still alive and the doors of tawbah are still open. Read the ahaadeeth quoted above, again.

    You can not ask the internet if Allah Will Forgive you. You must hope that He Will and trust in Him. According to a hadith, Allah Is with His servants, as they expect Him to be. You must always hope for good from Him, while doing tawbah for your sins and protecting yourself against what Allah Has Forbidden. Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said as reported in Saheeh Muslim: "None of you should ever die except while assuming the best about Allah."

    You said you have just begun learning the deen. This deen of Allah is very beautiful and it will certainly change your life for good if you increase your knowledge and act upon it. Work on improving your taqwa.

    Umar Radiyallahu Anhu asked Ubay bin Ka'b Radiyallahu Anhu: "How would you describe Taqwa? In reply Ubay asked, “Have you ever had to traverse a thorny path?” Umar replied in the affirmative and Ubay then continued, “How do you do so?” Umar said that he would carefully walk through after first having collected all loose and flowing clothing in his hands so nothing gets caught in the thorn. Ubay said: “This is the definition of Taqwa.”"

    Read about the deen, listen to duroos of scholars, increase your knowledge and act upon what you learn. This will make you feel at peace and you will have enough strength to fight the problems of life, in sha Allah.

    Whatever happened when you were little, you were not responsible for that, but the one who abused you was. Allah Will Deal with him with Justice. He Is The Most Just.

    How are you responsible for your father's behavior with your mother? No girl, you are not. It is his deed and he is responsible for it.

    People who are put in a test feel as though they have nothing to lose. But they actually have much more than they realize. You have Imaan in Allah, which can help you in reaching Allah's Jannah. Help yourself by being obedient to Allah and His Messenger by following the Quran and the Sunnah (Saheeh Ahaadeeth). Do not let Shaitan succeed in making you despair of Allah's Mercy. Ibrahim Alaihis Salam said, as Allah Mentioned in the Qur'aan in Surah al Hijr:

    "And who despairs of the Mercy of his Lord except those who are astray?"

    Learn the deen and act on the knowledge. And see the change that comes in your life.

    You can learn various matters of the deen for here: http://abdurrahman.org and listen to duroos form here: http://understand-islam.net. If you know Urdu, you can benefit a LOT from here: http://ashabulhadith.com.

    May Allah Guide you to the best action that leads to His Pleasure.

    Abu Abdul Bari
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Salam Sis

    You have got some sound advice above. As mentioned you are a very brave person inside. Don't try to change people sis, as the saying goes dogs will always bark, that's what they do. If people are putting you down and getting a kick from it, believe me they are only doing this because they own life's are pitiful.

    Your tests are phewww, therefore your reward will be un-measurable. As per above advice focus on your positives, join a gym if you can and vent some anger out that way, you need a form of release.

    Believe in your self sis. I know this is all easy said than done, however, great movements require great effort. Empower your self through any means necessary. You are a practicing person, and then devil only tries hard with those that are on the deen or trying to get on the deen, He wont waste his time with those that have no love for Islam as he has already won the battle with them. Remember if you don't fill the glass up with some thing positive it will fill up with air, your brain works as such to. Science 1 on 1

    After all you have been through. DON'T YOU DARE GIVE UP ON YOUR SELF. Start now start today, take control of the things you can, If you keep your mind pre-occupied it will have less opportunity to reflect on the bad past.

    We are all praying for you, and we all love you for the sake of Allah.
    May you find peace Insha Allah.
    Keep strong and plan your future sis.

    Allah does not hate you

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFUn1Cnoa-M

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_3bdzq4lls watch the vids, .

    Salam SIs

    Azeem

  5. Thankyou everyone for your kind response. I just want to start a new life. I just want to Talk to Allah and feel his mercy. Because I'm very alone rightnow. I'm confused about how to do it? without letting all the sufferings interfare in my new life? just curious. Like I want to live like a revert,whose past has been died Pleaase guide me.

    • please tell me

    • Begin with Allah's Name, do tawbah for all your previous sins.

      Then read the book called "Sharh Kitab at Tawhid (Explanation of the Book of Tawheed)" by Shaikh Salih al Fawzaan.

      This will give you a base to your deen and channel your belief, your deeds, towards the tawheed, which is the primary requirement of every deed. After this, read the book called The Three Fundamental Principles and then The Four Principles

      Take time, read each page carefully and give all the time required, in order to understand them.

      After reading these three books, you have laid a foundation. Now, you need to learn the Names and Attributes of Allah Subhaanah. You can either read the book called Sharh Aqeedah al Wasitiyyah or listen to audio in Urdu or English.

      Make notes, give all the time it requires and learn. This will ensure you learn, without letting the sufferings interfere. While you learn, make sure you act upon the knowledge. You can subsequently learn the other aspects of deen, in sha Allah. But this is where you should begin.

      May Allah Make it easy for you and give you Barakah in it.

      Abu Abdul Bari
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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