self-loathing because of the sins I’ve done.
Salam,
I have read that you should not disclose your sins, and I've been confused whether I should or not for some years now, but there is no other way I can ask for guidance from a scholar or any religious person, thus I am asking for help here.
I was 16 years old when I was in a relationship. I was very naive and stupid, and was in a way forced into it by a relative praising the boy- that he is a good boy and crazy about me and so on, however I didn't know it would end up with me being physical at such a young age. I never wanted to deep inside, as I knew Allah is looking - and I avoided it too- but men have their way...or shaitaan does I should say.
The first time I was raped, and I use the word rape because I didn't know what was happening until it happened, and in the middle of it I asked the guy if this was intercourse and if he would marry me? I regret it even as I'm stating it here. I am disgusted in myself and hate myself for letting any non mehram touch me! It was disgusting, and I avoided as much as possible but in the end I got used without any lust in me.
I thought he was my true love, and the dumb person I was I prayed from Allah for him and my marriage etc. Also, I repented and did tauba along with it but was again stuck in the same rut- it was the sins leading to zina if not zina. later I found out he had been going to prostitutes and I tried to talk to him but he never admitted to any of that and so I left him.
I was then 18, and while I was on the verge of leaving my first boyfriend I was talking also to other friends online, and soon one of them showed interest in me for quite some time. When we met later, we hit it off. It may seem I was the type who would run around changing guys overnight, however that wasnt the case; I was a "one man, till 'death do us part" type. Anyway, this new one too tried to be physical with me, but for a lot of months I didn't allow him to, or rather I avoided it. Then, later we got serious in our relationship and committed every sin leading to zina.
At the age of 24, I got engaged to someone I didn't have feelings for, as it was my parents' choice, however I did accept him as I love my parents too much and didn't have any other choice. It was at this point that I had hatred for everybody and everything as I had seen very tough times at the age of 22 and 23, when I went for hajj as well and cried my heart out and asked for forgiveness from Allah.
However, when I came back I was in the same crap again. Shaitan had control over me again. I relapsed. Whatever I wanted, I didn't get from life; I was suffering from a medical problem; a family member passed away; I was failed due to dirty politics in my university and on top of that my parents weren't allowing me to get married to who I wanted and instead got me engaged elsewhere (it was a big exam I was under from Allah ). So I still saw my boyfriend and even cheated on him (as if cheating on my husband-to-be wasn't enough) by kissing my friend who I knew had always crushed on me for several years!
Then came my wedding. After the wedding I started comparing my old life with the new, how my husband wasn't romantic, didn't compliment me or there wasn't any proper foreplay before the intercourse. (I ignored that for a few months, but ended up meeting my ex-boyfriend who cried all the time, and he tried contacting me although I tried not to contact him as I was married. Then one day he desperately cried for me and asked me to meet etc, so I went and ended up in bed with him, but not wanting to!
That was the last day I met him and told him that we both are going to hell. I hit him then- that's what he made me do- and I'll never forgive him. It was my fault too obviously, but he was more forceful, however I know I can't blame him because I'm a weak person when it comes to taking a stand. Shaitaan easily takes over me.
It was very recently that I met him, but in a very public place just as normal friends would and that too with another female friend of mine. He was leaving the country forever, and after knowing him for 10 years now, I felt pity for him as he had been asking me for months via messages on and off (meanwhile I had not replied to his messages properly, and strictly told him to stay away and that there will be no previous type of you and me).
So, if any of you can advise me of how I should repent, and if the 60 fasts or feeding 60 people will help me repent? I am a disgusting person who has committed serious crime and sins, and I should be hanged! I just can't bear it anymore, and I want to go back to who I was before I indulged in all this crap. I have a very empty soul and I don't even pray for myself ever as I know that a sinner like me should not even be allowed to ask Allah for anything. I just ask for forgiveness.
I can't explain how I feel, I have basically become a non-social, depressive kind of person due to what I have done and keep thinking that I will only go to hell. I have repented in every possible way, and I know the biggest sin I have done is cheating after marriage where I should be stoned to death. I love my husband, he's a true angel and every time I look at him, I ask myself what did he do to deserve a person like me. It tears me apart for lying to my parents and then cheating on my husband- they didn't deserve that. What face will I show to Allah and Holy Prophet (pbuh), in my grave? I know the grave won't even accept me. All this pain is killing me, please somebody tell me what I should do?
-lostee
13 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Sub7anaAllah... You have been through a very rough lifestyle. There is nothing anyone can say to change what happened. We may say things thst can help you turn things around by the will of Allah BUT YOU need to do it yourself Sister. Dont be passive and blame your basic instincts. You need to be strong Wallah. The way I see it is that you wake up in the morning and that right there tells you that Allah is giving you another chance. But what is the purpose of feeling bad if we don't take a stance to never repeat the same mistake? Isn't it redundant that you would cleanse your heart but then go back to the same sins? I may sound harsh but Sister Wallah you need to be strong. You are destroying your life in this Dun'ya and Akheera. I have so much to share with you, but InshaAllah will add more to my post when I get home from work. Hope I or other brothers/sisters may be of help. What you are doing is a serious damage to yourself and others involved. InshaAllah will post more later.
Sister In Islam
Zahriya
....Continuation
To receive forgiveness from God there are three requirements:
Recognizing the offense itself and its admission before God.
Making a commitment not to repeat the offense.
Asking for forgiveness from God.
Sister, i was going to write more keeping the promise i made previously but as i see there are brothers/sisters who gave very beautiful, strong and helpful advises. I couldn't say better. I do hope that you are well and InshaAllah in a good condition. I pray that you are in a position to clear out your thoughts and and working on rectifying your situation before it ruins your marriage. Currently i can say that you are stuck on the second option (one i wrote above) where by you recognize the offense but you keep repeating it knowingly. This means that you need to fight yourself Sister and the desires that leads you to the wrong path. You are your own enemy. I hope i dont sound self-righteous but really pray that you work hard on fighting yourself. I pray that Allah makes it easy for you and other sisters in a similar situation. Ameen.
Salaam,
Sister In Islam
Zahriya
Assalamu Alaykum
Sister Zahriya, Good to here from you
Assalam 3aleykoum W.r W.b
Thank you Sister Akhila. How have you been? I pray all is well with you too InshaAllah.
Salaam,
Sister In Islam
Zahriya
Wa Alaykum Us salaam Wa-Rahmatullahi Wa-Barakatuhu
I am also going through hard time, Please pray for me
Salaam sister.I have always been of the opinion that one quality separates the redeemed from the eternally damned : SELF AWARENESS.listen, your mother loves you right?you may quarrel with her, be disobedient, cause her no end of grief, but the end of the day she will forgive you and hide your sins from others because you are her flesh and blood and her daughter and her love is unconditional,right?then why feel shy from asking forgiveness from Allah,who loves you more than the love of 70 mothers?yes, He does, and He will forgive you, no matter what the magnitude of your sin (except shirk) ofcourse, if you but ask him with a humble and truly repentant heart.yes, even adultery.Shaitaan has been your friend uptil now.he has led u into no end of trouble, heart ache , sin and pain.and now he is the one whispering in your ear that there is no use praying to Allah for forgiveness, since u can't be forgiven.absolute rubbish.why not dump a bad friend and knock on the door of He who is the bestest friend of all???listen to me sis.It is this friend who has concealed your sins from your husband and relations, even when you shunned Him .Pray,pray now.Go do your wudhu and fall down in prayer, cry your heart out as you would to your best friend, tell Him that you were wrong, you sinned, but you realized your mistake and will never repeat it again.Start praying regularly, read Quran with translation.give charity and be kind to all you meet.you will take a lot of time to heal.there will be so many moments when you will feel like just taking your own life and ending it all but you must not give in, for your own sake.And slowly with time you will begin to feel a peace you never felt before.Above all, never, ever be unfaithful to your husband.shower him with your love and be the bestest wife you can.Appreciate his good qualities and feel yourself lucky.watch movies with him, go shopping with him, talk to him about everything under the sun ,from politics, to home decorations etc.keep yourself busy in good,halal pursuits and improve your relations with Allah.if your repentance is sincere, YOU WILL BE FORGIVEN, INSHA'ALLAH!!and insha'Allah hopefully He will bless you with children soon ,then you will be so busy and content you wont have time to brood over the past!!all this won't happen in a moment.it will take time, a lot of time.but if you let Allah into your life,everything will fall into place insha'Allah.best of luck sis and DO NOT, DO NOT DESPAIR OF ALLAH'S MERCY.
assalamalaikum-
The whole story is the root caue of denouncing hijab- from day one-of u would have followed this command of Allah you would have been in the safety of Allah-
Now also this warning is sufficient for you ti hold back AND revtify your self 1st and foremost is to disConnect yourself from the disguise that SHAITAN BOY FRIEND By changing your cell number SO THAT YOU ARE ON THE RETURNING ROUTE TO YOUR HUSBAND AND THE FAMILY LIFE WHICH ALLAH HAS DESTINED BECAUSE MARRIAGE ONLY TAKES PACE WITH ALLAH WRITTING YOUR DESTINY WHEN U WERE 3 MONTHS IN YR MOTHERS WOMB THE LIFE STORY U TOLD - WHAT YOU DID WAS YOUR EVIL START BEING HE HIJAB BECAUSE A BOY A DIRTY BOY WHO KNOWS WHAT IS SEXUAL INTERCOURSE HE WOULD NOT HAVE HAD THE GUTS TO REACH THAT POINT IF YOU WOULD HAVE ESTABLISHED YR SELF A ONE WHO ADHERED TO VEIL WHICH ALLAH ORDERED AND THEN THAT RESPECT IT BRINGS WITH IT AND THE SAVING YOU FROM THT FREE MINGLING WHICH YOU DID WITH YOUR LIFE WHICH IS WESTERN STYLE AND THIS WILL HAVE ITS EFFECT AND FOLLOWING THE COMMAND WILL HAVE ITS EFFECT ONE EVIL AND DISOBEDIENT AND ONE OBEDIENT AND RESPECTFUL-
SO NOW DISCONTINUE THAT LIFE OF YOUR MANMANI- CARE TWO HOOTS FOR ALL JUST ATTACH WITH HUBBY YOU DO FOREPLOAY IF HE DOESENT MAKE A TRUCE ON THIS POINT AND SAY YOU READ SOEMWHERE ABOUT IT EVEN ISLAMICA;LY IT IS PROVED-SLOWELY YOU WILL CHNAGE TO A GOOD WIFE IN THE 1ST PLACE U MUST NOT MEET A NA MOHRIM YOU CAN GO ON BLAMING SHAITAN TAKES ME AND I FALL DOWN-THIS IS TOO EASY TO SAY THAN FEARING ALLAH ND HIS WISH FOR U TO BE INDOORS ONLY IN CONTACT WITH A MOHRIM AS TOLD IN THE QURAN-THE WOMAN OF MODESTY......DID U EVER TIED TO BE LIKE THAT
TRY NOW ONWRSD AND SEE YOUR REPENTANCE WILL BRING THE FLAVOUR IN LIFE WHICH WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DOINE 10 YEARS BACK ITS HIGH TIME GET UP AND GRAB THE CHANCE ....GO TO HAJ WITH YOUR HUSBAND THIS TIME AND SEE THE MERCIFULS MERCY....
Pretty Woman:Her charming smile-Captures me-Something about her-Is just so lovely........
It’s not her clothes-Nor the way she walks-Hmm... it isn’t her jewellery-Or the way she t.auty seems to emanate
Deep from within-So subtle and pure-So free from sin-Her delicate glances-She restrains-Her precious voice
She retains-Covered from head to toe-Like a pearl protected-She knows her worth...
She is to be respected-You'll know When she's around...-She lights up the place-She adorns her surroundings
With her refined grace-What was her name again?-So simple yet so lovely-Ah yes... how can I forget
This pretty woman named ..MODESTY....MODESTY....MODESTY....MODESTY....MODESTY....MODESTY....
Assalamualaikum,
I do not think I can say it better than Brother Nouman Ali Khan did in the video below:
http://youtu.be/UBbvSKvZIWI
Also very nice advice by Sister Yasmeen Mogahed
http://youtu.be/N5ZQK6J4jsw
May Allah swt protect our emaan and shower us with his special mercy.
regards,
I'm have noticed on many occasions u hav blamed shaytaan for your haram actions. God has given us a brain to distinguish right from wrong and u have not once, not twice but meay times committed these acts of sin. The question now remains, what are YOU going to do about it? not shaytaan, not Allah (pbuh) but you? You can repent and ask god for his mercy, but only if u really want to go on the stight path. I really do feel sorry for your husband, what if he had done the same behind your back how would you feel? Or had the same sinful past and lifestyle like you? Im calling it a lifestyle aa from your words this is what it sounds like. Have yoouever thought that your lover could tell your family or your husband about what's been going on behind his back? He could even blackmail you. Be careful with your actions. Treat yourself and your husband with respect or divorce him if you cant stop yourself from cheating behind his back and let him get on with him life.
AsSalaamu Alaikum Dear Sister,
I can see that a part of you is telling you that, Allah will never forgive you and that you are going to hell already. But let me assure you my dear Sister, that Allah is so Merciful and He has good news for you. If you sincerely repent and put everything behind you, and then start practicing well, Allah is Forgiving and Merciful. And this is the best chance for you to start everything ok.
Allah the Almighty says:
"""Except for those who repent, and believe, and do good deeds. These—God will replace their bad deeds with good deeds. God is ever Forgiving and Merciful. Whoever repents and acts righteously—has inclined towards God with repentance""". Quran 25: 70-71.
This is very important since you said you want to go back to whom you were before, and (according to the above verse) there are only three things that will make you become like a new born again:
1-Repent (acknowledging all your sins and then taking the commitment to never go back to them again, and this commitment must be for the sake of Allah, and not for the fear of being caught by someone)
2-Believe (examining yourself and improving your Emaan through learning/practicing correct Aqeedah)
3-Do good deeds (following the rules of Allah, keeping your daily Salaats, and abstaining from crossing the limitations of Allah.)
And Allah says again:
"""But whoever repents after his crime, and reforms, God will accept his repentance. God is Forgiving and Merciful. Do you not know that to God belongs the kingdom of the heavens and the earth? He punishes whom He wills, and He forgives whom He wills. And God is Capable of everything.""" Quran 5: 39-40.
And again He ordered the Prophet (s.a.w.s):
"""Say, O My servants who have transgressed against themselves: do not despair of God’s mercy, for God forgives all sins. He is indeed the Forgiver, the Clement. And turn to your Lord, and submit to Him, before the retribution comes upon you. Then you will not be helped. And follow the best of what was revealed to you from your Lord, before the punishment comes upon you suddenly, while you are unaware. So that a soul may not say, How sorry I am, for having neglected my duty to God, and for having been of the scoffer Or say, Had God guided me; I would have been of the pious. Or say, when it sees the penalty, If only I had another chance, I would be of the virtuous… Yes indeed! My Verses did come to you, but you called them lies, turned arrogant, and were of the faithless."""Quran 39: 53-59
And finally Allah says again: "...God loves the repentant, and He loves those who keep clean.” Quran 2: 222
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As to the experiences you have had with the past man, which make you compare your past and your new life, I think you should read some of the interesting books written by Islamic scholars or Muslims in such fields (intimacy and marriage affairs). There are some of them in Arabic, but I am not sure if there are some which are translated/written in English or not. Some of these books even go deep into the matter and reveal every secret in men and women (the nature of a man, the nature of a woman, what to do before marriage, what to do after marriage, how to be romantic arround each other, how to complement each other, how to foreplay with each other, how to try different types of sex positions and etc…). Read such books and let your husband know what you are reading; he might get interested and then read with you. If you do it this way, it won't look to him like you are comparing him to your past or something (making him feel like you are comparing him with your past will be the worst thing ever).
And then when you learn and practice the things you read together, it will help you get over your past, since your past will no longer be the only source of what you know.
Hope this helps Insha'Allah
I would just say that
1. What is done cannot be undone. Accept it and leave thinking about it.
2. If you really have realized gravity of your sins and wish to repent, offer two rakat prayer immediately and seek forgiveness from Allah (swt) and continue seeking his forgiveness till your death, simultaneously, improve yourself Islamically.
3. Make it a point not to ever return to the sin by any mean under any circumstances.
4. devote your life to Allah (Swt) and then to your husband, to your future kids and to charity works.
and leave everything on Allah (Swt). He will insha-allah will take care of you and everything.
keep reminding yourself about the mercy of the almighty-
"O son of Adam, as long as you call upon Me and put your hope in Me, I have forgiven you for what you have done and I do not mind. O son of Adam, if your sins were to reach the clouds of the sky and then you would seek My forgiveness, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, if you were to come to Me with sins that are close to filling the earth and then you would meet Me without ascribing any partners with Me, I would certainly bring to you forgiveness close to filling it."
But remember, the repent should be Sincere and for life long!
As-salamu `alaikum Sister,
Below was an advice that had helped me get through a painful first time emotional pain. My situation is not similar to yours but I can relate to your pain and feelings of lost. I am still in the process of healing. I hope the advice below will InshaAllah help.
Thank you for sending us your question. May Allah help you to find peace and serenity within yourself and grant you the strength to have power to overcome your heart’s desires.
It seems like you are really hurt and disappointed about what happened with you and this brother. You were shattered when he broke up with you. You put your trust in him and you gave him the keys to your heart to the extent that you were dependent on him to feel emotionally fulfilled. You certainly must feel very alone because the thing that you wanted most did not happen.
It’s ok and natural to feel this pain. Most people in your position would feel upset. The most important lesson to learn from this hardship is that we must put our full trust in Allah alone, and not other people because people are not perfect. This brother that you had high hopes for disappointed you.
Allah knew that you put all your hopes in this brother and that you were dependent on him to fulfill your emotional needs. Allah does not want you to define your self-worth based on this man’s approval. Allah wants you to understand that this feeling of fulfillment should come from within yourself and from Allah before anyone else can claim your heart.
You should never be put in a position to feel like you are begging for the other person’s attention. If this brother was serious about you and wanted to marry you, he would have found a way to make it happen. It may be that Allah has decreed something much better for you.
Appreciate yourself. Get to know yourself more and learn to improve your strengths and work on your weaknesses. Start to love yourself and most importantly love and trust Allah more than anything and anyone.
The painful feelings that you are experiencing now will heal with time. You will get through this in sha’ Allah. You seem like you have a lot of love to give, so focus on improving your self-esteem and giving that love to people around you. Generate your own happiness, and don’t depend on other people to make you happy.
May Allah shower your with his mercy and give you the determination and strength to pass this hardship.
MashaAllah very good advice, Which helped me also