IslamicAnswers.com: Islamic Advice

Asak. I am a 25 years old Muslim girl. I am very confused whether to get divorce from my husband or not? I have mixed feelings. I have been separated from him about 6 weeks now. We have a one year old daughter together. My husband is a relative to me (extended family) and he is from Pakistan and I sponsored him to Canada. Before getting married I have been engaged to him for 2.5 years but we were long distance and used to talk over phone/Skype. he is Hafiz e quran and read salah more then me.

• During engagement time, He was engineering student and lied to me that his father doesn't pay his tuition fee that’s why he has to work which causing him to fail the university courses. I was also student in Canada at that time and was working part time and offered him out of love and sincerity to send him $100 each month which is slightly more than his University fee when do money conversion. I was 19 years old that time, and I hide this from my parents because I knew they wouldn't like that. I send him $100 each month for 2 years until he graduated. (And it was a month before we got married).
• After marriage, I stayed with him for about 2 months in Pakistan and found out from my father in law that he has been paying fees for all his children including my husband. I asked my husband in private about it and he apologized for lying to me and said he has saved some money out of that and he used to make long distance phone calls to me with some of those money. So, basically a month after getting married to him, I came to know that he has been lying to me all these 2 years when every month I was sending him money to pay his university fees. But I forgive him for doing that and never told about this to my family or his family. It was just between my husband and me.
• I sponsored him to Canada which took about 18 months. I paid all the sponsorship fee/expenses. During that time he got job in Saudi Arab, earning decent money and was working there and I was working in Canada. All those 18 month, he never send me any money and I didn't ask for it either since we were living apart. During this time I visited him once on my own expense and he didn't even spend any money on me, not given any good presents. Plus, I realized that time he was lazy and not hard working since he always complains about work almost every day in Saudi Arab and wants to go back to Pakistan where he doesn't have any job.
• Latter, he moved to Canada. I was working at that time and was running full expenses for about 4 months. Then I got pregnant, and due to some medical issues I quite work and started living with my parents as my husband didn't find a job here. He started working on odd jobs and gets fired after 2/3 weeks then stay home, pretending to look for new work for 2/3 weeks then start new work then gets fire or leave the job on his own because he wasn't hard working. He changed about 17 jobs in 1 year. And earned pretty much nothing and doesn't give any share to my father.
• When I got pregnant, he said I am too young that’s why the baby and you are not my responsibility when he was 27 years old.
• He started to be rude to me as soon as I left my job, in the 3^rd month of pregnancy. Then he started to be verbally abusive while we used to live at my parents’ house on their expense. He also started forcing me to work even though I was 8/9 months pregnant. At that time, I told my parents that he lied to me and took money when I was engaged to him and now he is forcing me to work and doesn’t care about my health and the baby inside my womb.
• During labor, I needed a medicine which he doesn’t want to buy for me instead looked at my father to pay for it which cost $20 and he has that money in his bank.
• After having baby, my father called my father in law and told him all his poor work behavior, and that he doesn't spend money on me and the baby, plus that he lied about his university fee etc. His father took his side and told that it’s not his fault, instead it’s my fault that I didn't keep that secret that he took money from me during the engagement period. Also, he said I should work and support my husband since he took admission in college to do diploma in Canada. My father in law told me to rest 3 months after delivery, then start working to support my husband but I didn't do that.
• After keeping us for 1 year, my father told him to move out and take care of his responsibilities. It was 4rth year of my marriage, when I finally moved to my husband house finally. But my husband was upset about it and so as my father in law who lives in Pakistan. They didn't want us to move and want us to live at my parents’ house due to financial relief. My parents bought everything as dowry when we moved bed room furniture, sofa set, kitchen items; in short everything that my husband only had to buy TV and everything else was provided by my parents.
• After we moved, I started my studies on my expense off course. And did all the house work, cooking, took care of baby and was very happy. But then my husband started with big fights and started physically abusing me, by shaking my head, pulling hairs, grabbing both of my shoulders that it leaves bruise marks, yelling/shouting in front of our baby and also blaming me for all his failures.
• In one semester, he failed all the courses because he said he didn't study well even though he used to go full time college with me. And he only work 2 nights in a week (weekend nights) as a security guard, where he has sit in an empty mall and he Skype with all his family and friends in Pakistan during his night shift. On the other hand, I got scholarships in all the semesters.
• I wasn’t working because I was full time student and my mother used to take care of our baby during the time I was in school
• He used to pay for basic expenses for 1 year: like rent, utility /phone bills, and food and basic necessity things for baby not more than that. I used to spend my money on my own personal expenses like buying clothes for myself or baby, make up, food/drink in college, return gifts to my friends or family etc.
• He hide all his money from me in the bank, and lie that he doesn't have any money and how bad I am to move him in this apartment. He always criticize about spending money on me and my daughter, tell me not to change baby’s diaper often, not to keep more than one light open, not to use microwave etc pretty much criticize me every now and then about money.
• I cry on occasions like birthdays, anniversary, eid when I ask him for gift and dinner, then he starts fights and make me cry then take me for dinner
• He ask for borrowing money to my family even though he has money in his bank which I found out after I separated from him. He likes to take government aid, doesn't want to move up in the career and rather work on a job like he is doing right now as a security guard where he doesn't have to do hard work or any work at all and he watch movies at work and Skype with people in Pakistan
• He hurt me with his behavior, his words, his nature/mentality and I wasn't happy with him at all this 2 years he spend with me. One time he hit me so bad few hours before my final exam that I took him to mosque imam that night. That time he was mad like animal, and hit me so bad, abused me with bad words, and said that he will kill me. Imam explained him that it’s all wrong and he promised not to repeat then he did raised his hand on me twice after that and I left him. He even started doing it in public bus like pushing me, and getting mad at me.
• Now my parents talked to all his family his uncle, auntie, his father (since we all are extended family) and his uncle and aunty got really mad at him and told him its all his fault and now my father in law also accepting that it’s all his son’s fault not mine and apologizing to my father and wants me to go back to him
• In first month, he accepted what I said about him in front of him to his family on Skype and he apologies in front of everyone and said not to do it again but I said I need some time to think if I should go back to you or now. But after the Skype meeting his attitude was same and he left. He didn't contact me for 1 month, only contacted my father.
• He also being aggressive and disrespectful to my parents in past 2 years in Canada
• We booked tickets for Pakistan visits and umrah, and I offered him to give my scholarship money for these expenses which worth $1000. Then he told me to work on weekend as he is doing while doing all the house work and refused and told him I will work 2 months during summer before the trip and will give you the money then he fought me by asking how much money will I earn and give him after 5/6 months!! How would I know what job I will get, how much money will I earn?
• He takes all the government grants given to us for my daughter
• He says stuff which hurts me like, what benefit I got after marrying you
• The mistake I have done are: I also, used to fight back with him verbally (not abuse him or anything) but sometimes I just keep quiet and don’t fight back. Also, after fight mostly he is the one who apologies first after few hours or after a day or so since I think that the fight was based on money issues and it’s his responsibility to earn money not mine. And if he physically abused me or swear at me during the fight then I don’t apologies to him at all and then he imitate it, to get things back to normal. But I was not happy with him, that’s not the life I thought I would live with him. I loved him a lot before getting married to him and after the marriage, but his nature /attitude took all the love away. My daughter is 16 months old and first time she got hair cut from outside (after being separated from him) because he doesn't want to spend money on these stuff because it’s unnecessary.

But now he is contacting me and accepting all his faults and wants me to come back, promising me etc,. I only lived 1 year on his expenses out of 4 years of our marriage. In this one year he touchered me verbally, emotionally and physically that twice I thought about committing suicide. Once, when I was pregnant and was living at my parents’ house and once after baby living with him in his apartment.

But I don’t trust him anymore. He always apologies to me than he does the things again. He wasn't sincere to me since the beginning and he never been sincere to his parents, and siblings either. He hide money from his father as well since he often ask money from him. He never said good things about his father and siblings to me and pretty much not sincere to his father and family (his mother is not alive). And same with me he is not really sincere with me and my daughter. But I am confused, should I trust him again and go back to him?

Even though I know his nature. He lies a lot about his money because he doesn't want to spend his money on anyone and also he is very greedy about money.  He wants to get money from everyone. He is not hard working and doesn't want to have good career which means he never be able to earn good money in future. He doesn't have self-esteem, like he feel no shame asking money to others, borrow money from my family, and if my family spend money on me or my daughter, or give gift he never refuse instead take it right away and don’t want to give them back in the form of gift or anything. He is not ashamed of telling people how needy he is financially, and wants to take government aid which I didn’t let him. And I am afraid after 1 year, when I graduate and have good job then he will be dependent on my money again!! Right now he says, he changed and will not do all that but should I trust him? What will happen to my daughter if I get divorce from him? I also think I young right now, and I can find someone else who accept me and my daughter and I can have much better life but then I think what if I don’t find anyone ? What will I say to my daughter when she grows up? But I don’t want my daughter to grow up in this abusive environment? He even paused and swear at our daughter too in anger.

please give me advice.