Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I end this marriage?

Question mark and female doll

I am feeling so helpless and so much depressed due to my marriage and hoping someone could guide me towards right path. Sorry for the length of question but I just tried to explain my situation.  Being a girl it's very difficult to just say I want divorce.

My marriage was actually forced marriage in terms of that my family pressurized me that they will not let me complete my education if I will not say yes to this proposal. He is my first cousin and my khala always said I am going to be her daughter in law but I was always against this, first he is not educated and not religious. And I am Software Engineer by profession, my family is very religious being my father in saudia we spend half year there, so I always do hijab and wanted my husband to be very pious who could guide me in world affairs as well as religious affairs. I was so much in hate with him in my childhood - he use to harass me physically by coming to my room during night time and hide under bed and touch me. I was so scared being a kid I was not able to tell even to my mother. But my mother really wanted me to marry him as he is only son and my khala was so kind towards me, on my parents wish I said yes. My mother said if you are going to give your parents' decision importance, you are going to be happy. I was student when I got nikkah it was right after his sister got married in UK and his brother in law made some illegal papers for his british citizenship and suddenly he got british citizenship and all of sudden his family got rich and their behaviour changes. After our nikkah we tried to talk to each other on phone like other husband and wifes but it never worked he was always so insecure to talk to me, and while chatting he can't even type right in urdu instead of english. I always got very hurt by this, I never told my friends that my husband is illiterate and doing some chicken packing job there.

After nikah he came back to Pakistan after two years and in between this time his family attitude was so much changed - they were no more that lovely and kind as they were before. Again I talked to my parents and tried to convince them but they said think about your father pride, you were in nikkah for two years and now we can not end this relation without some solid reason and I cried a lot but still they convinced me for marriage. We got married and after that I came to know that he had physical relations there and the reason behind our sudden nikkah was also that his family wanted to divert his mind from that non muslim girl and towards me. I was so shattered and disappointed, he was there for 2 months after our marriage and between this time I can not remember one single moment when I was truly happy - I was just pretending to be happy just like normal couples. Whenever he talk, he talk full rubbish, and vulgar things, his friend's affairs with some one's wives and such type of things, I never showed him but I cried daily. I did not know what to do and how to react after he is telling me his intimate positions with girls.

After our marriage our clashes started when his sister who was in UK and due to which they got rich, she met her old boyfriend in my marriage and decided to ditch her husband and marry her boyfriend who was yet single, my husband's father died few years back and their mother married someone else and their step father never shown any interest in their personal lives, my husband's mother and his two sisters planned that they will move from their city to London and will hide there and will apply for divorce and social relief by saying her husband is not good and he beats her etc (that he did sometimes). So my husband and his sister went back to UK but not to their house but to some one else's house in some other city. As my husband citizenship was based on papers provided by his brother in law they were afraid that he may got arrested so they decided to move to Paris. In all this situation I was totally against and tried to suggest him many times that don't do this. He always say he don't like his mother and sisters and use to abuse them but still he always obey them. I told him that he is not educated neither have any skill how he going to earn in new country but he got angry on this. He moved to paris without telling me, where he got arrested as his illegal papers have his age above 50 when in reality he is 33 years old. But after all this he moved back to UK and his mother after trying all when nothing works pressurize her daughter to go back to husband by again plotting drama that she got heart attack. In short now his sister is back to her husband by telling him few lies and her husband is ok and they are living happy and my husband is also with them.  In start they were hiding so he said he can not do job but after he moved back to his old job he never sent me any money or tried to talk or anything.

He is back now on pressure of my family and it's 2 years now after our marriage, my mother sent me with him again as he said sorry and asked for another chance. I am living with him but with zero feelings its like I am some robot who is specified for house hold stuff and all. His mother's behavior is much better with me but honestly i don't feel anything for my husband. He also dont talk to me - we sit in same room for hours and don't talk to each other, only his mother is source of communication for me. I try myself to keep busy in house activities and I am literally waiting for days so that he can go back to UK and I can feel peace in me. I don't feel love or any affection for him even no more hate or anger - it's like he is stranger and he also dont try to make me comfortable. In start I tried to talk to him but we don't have common issues to talk on, I talk to him about my job and Masters and he say he don't have any idea, whenever I try to talk his answers are yes or no. I am really fed up he behaves so good in front of my family I cant say to my family that I need divorce as they are happy that I am back to my house. I really don't know what should I do.I want to just run away or commit suicide. It's very hard for me to live with person, whose voice irritates me and I don't wanna even see his face. I feel terrible by thinking he is my husband and I should obey him in every situation. I am afraid I am ruining my Akhirah as well as duniya. Please guide me what should I really do? I tried to talk to him and tell him my situation but he never understands and say ok decide if you want divorce. Help me please?

samreen


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16 Responses »

  1. Oh vry sad indeed sister infact ur good wife u respect prents nd evn husbnd thoh ur not comfort withim i cn see this kind of marriage totally no failure ur side nd ur trying all means possible for it work to me best way is to pray to Allah,fast monday nd thursday,do not talk to pple that much commncte to Allah only nd in away demonstrate to ur parent that ur not ok with this marrige i.a Allah will make him gd for or u wll get hw wnt it be. ....bt in meantime have patient and takecare ur muslim stop utter or having wrong attitude Allah has created u to worship thn y suicide?

  2. Assalam alaikum Sister,

    Putting every problem and relationship aside and focusing only on your husband, the issue at hand, as I see it, are the following two main things:

    1. Your husband used to abuse (sexually?) you when you were a child and seems more serious than just teasing.
    2. Your husband carried on several affairs, yet shows no sing of remorse and openly talks to you about other men and their affairs with other women. Your husband seems to lack impulse control.

    You have also mentioned that he isn't educated and that your education was stopped in order for you to marry. Listen, what's done is done and we can discuss whether you indeed had a forced marriage--I would argue that your marriage was NOT done in your best interest, but rather for the sake of your family's respect and honor--really the wrong reason altogether.

    You might have been able to work with someone who wasn't as educated as you over time, but the two main things listed above, it is difficult to salvage and work on the marriage. You seem to be suffering a lot.

    I think you need to pray Isthikhara.
    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/salat-al-istikhara-the-guidance-prayer/
    Read the above for the proper way of reading Isthikhara.

    If you really want this marriage to work:
    1. You continue to suffer in patience and accept this as your destiny--but you don't have to--you are NOT obligated to live a life with a person who lies and shows no remorse.
    2. You discuss all these matters with your husband and ask him to seek professional help. If he doesn't oblige you and you have exhausted ways of saving the marriage--then you consider divorce.

    If there is no way that you can continue because only you can tell what is possible:
    Then you simply ask for a divorce and continue your studies. You should stop worrying about making your family happy at the expense of your genuine and legitimate right of happiness. You have to decide what you want and then do it. I do want to mention that you should get tested for sexually transmitted diseases/infections as you mentioned that your husband was involved with someone else.

    My personal opinon, based on what you have said, is that you shouldn't suffer like this and that this is no way to live. Your husband and his family lack integrity especially the way they play with the rules of countries for their personal benefit--this isn't going to stop here, it is their way of life. I suggest you escape from this life as soon as you can. HOWEVER, this is my opinion (based on what you have said)--whatever you choose, stop, pause, think, make du'a, pray Isthikhara, and then make a decision.

    May Allah swt ease your pain and help you through this very tumultous time, Ameen, thummah Ameen.

  3. Dear Sister,
    I am sad to hear your story. If your in Pakistan it may be hard as women do not have many rights there. I do not know how to advise you but Saba's advice is good and I think she knows the culture well. You were molested by your husband in childhood and I can see how you would not feel love for him. You have rights and you have rights to ask for khula if you can not love your husband or he does not want to change. These things are very sad to hear about in Islamic countries. I do not think Allah meant for a woman to have to suffer so much. Marriage should bring some peace and happiness along with normal problems. But this man assaulted you as a child and I can see why you would feel disgusted by him and your parents did not protect you and this is wrong.
    You have a right to choose your spouse and this is your life. Take control of your own life ,even though I know its hard for a woman or girl to do this in Pakistan. You sound like a very gifted and intelligent woman and you deserve to finish your education and work if you want to. It is sad your parents did not care about your education but only their family honor which happens a lot but is not just or right. Sister do not ruin your life . Pray a lot and find someone you can trust to help you. There may be Women's organizations that can help you in Pakistan if this was forced marriage.

  4. Asalaamualaykum,
    I read this post and I wanted to reply,I agree with your problems but lady sister,I did not like the way you wrote he is less educated.Lady sister,if AllahSWT wills tommorow you'll come to such a situation where even with 10 phd you might become useless.embarrassed to tell your friends about your husband because he is less educated?and you consider yourself pious than him?lol

    Will you be embarrassed to tell your friends about prophet Muhammad SAW coz he is less educated than you or your husband? Oh wait,if I say that AllahSWT will punish me.selfishness sister.

    Sorry for my harsh words but if you think you are pious,get up @ 230 In early morning whn everyone is asleep and do Tahajjud and ask AllahSWT to guide both of you and be in peace and also do dua to AllahSWT to teach a lesson to your husband so that he turns to be better,do as I said In sha AllahSWT,see how your husband turns around and how you live happy,

    As far I know,if an injusticed soul asks justice from AllahSWT,the people who do injustice are doomed.

    I am not supporting your husband,do as I said and ask AllahSWT to teach a lesson to your husband.

    Then wait and see.

    If you dont like this marriage then its your wish sister.

    Peace.

    • I find it interesting that you are most offended by the sister's comment regarding her husband in comparision of her husband's treatment of her both before and after marriage. Also, please do not compare this man to Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him).

    • Before revelation (i.e. before he was chosen as a Prophet and Messenger of Allah), the Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu 'alaihi wasallam) had the knowledge of business and was an animal scientist as known in his time. And after he became a Prophet and a Messenger of Allah, he was then taught the best of knowledge. Even though, he didn't have to know every detail about all sciences in the world, nor did he have to know much about written knowledge, however, his knowledge (after revelation) became the Criterion of all sciences, from his time (and before) till date.

      In deed, his knowledge was "Taught to him by (Jibril--'alaihi as-Salaam, who is) one intense in strength, one of soundness, then he settled (or, then Muhammed settled on knowledge and guidance). While (i.e. this started when) he (Jibril--'alaihi as-Salaam) was in the higher [part of the] horizon, and then he approached and descended (i.e. while Muhammad was in the cave of Hira), and was at a distance of two bow lengths or nearer (which was the first time he saw Jibril in his real form). And he (Jibril--'alaihi as-Salaam) revealed to His Servant (i.e. the servant of Allah) what he revealed (i.e. revelations from the Holy Quran--the knowledge of the first and last)." (Quran: 53: 5-10)

      In fact, the Holy Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu 'alaihi wasallam) was not less educated than any of us today, but actually the contrary. When he (sallallahu 'alaihi wasallam) would wear the robe of prophethood and stand on the rostrum of prophethood, there was no scientist nor philosopher, except he--his knowledge contained answers for all sciences ("...We neglected nothing in the Scripture..." (Quran 6: 38). May the peace and blessings of Almighty Allah be upon you, O', the Center of knowledge!

  5. why don't you just leave him, if he is unwilling to change. And if you have suffer so much, but figure out what would be a better option.

  6. OP: my family is very religious being my father in saudia we spend half year there, so I always do hijab and wanted my husband to be very pious who could guide me in world affairs as well as religious affairs. I was so much in hate with him in my childhood - he use to harass me physically by coming to my room during night time and hide under bed and touch me. I was so scared being a kid I was not able to tell even to my mother. But my mother really

    What is the age difference between you and your huband? You knew your husband was not educated or religious before you married him. Seems like your parents are not educated also. They should have tried to find a better husband for you.

    Do you plan to move to UK? Can your husband take you to UK legally? You may get a better job in UK.
    You can help your husband get into some kind of business. Help him get some some education if you are in UK.

    In Western countries many Pakistanis/ Indians with little educations have achieved success by starting their own businesses.

    Don't want run away or commit suicide. Do you have a job? Find yourself a good job before you divorce him.

    His voice irritates you and you don't wanna even see his face. Do you sleep with him? Did his voice irritate you before you are married? Did his face bother you before you married him?

    Why do you need your husband to guide you in religious matters or world affairs?

    • We married 2 years back and then he went to UK and after 2 years he came now 2 months back. In between this time there were so much issues family fights, his relations with other girls. I was living with my parents from last 6 months and now with in laws. He said he is going to apply for spouse visa this year but that involve few probs first his own papers are on the name of some other person and he have to change his name on our Nikkah nama etc plus his wage is not enough for which he was saying he would show himself disabled person.

      He is 7 or 6 years elder than me. They were financially not very strong and use to live in our house after he got his visa in UK they moved to new house in all these years v never had any interaction till our nikkah. After nikkah i tried to talk but he was not really intrested my mother told me he is bit shy and he feel you he have complex that his wife is more educated and he will be allright after marriage. After our nikkah he came back after 2 years for rukhsati though i was not willing but when i said yes i had no negativ thoughts about him. But living with him and knowing him more made me feel irritated and disgusted. He use to tell me his gf and the call girls, his friends having relation with other married girls etc. More importantly our physical relation is also not normal he do sex wierdly and never go for intercourse. We never had intercourse til now.

      i was doing good job but when he came here my mother asked me to leave job. I can get job again thats not issue. Problem is my parents not going to allow me this they are happy that i am back to my house and they dont have to reply to people about me. Thing that make me upset is i dont love my husband and even sometimes i use harsh words towards him and i am making my Allah angry. My mother use to say when you going to marry someone else its possible he also have these issues than what wud u do.

      • OP: He said he is going to apply for spouse visa this year but that involve few probs first his own papers are on the name of some other person and he have to change his name on our Nikkah nama etc plus his wage is not enough for which he was saying he would show himself disabled person.....He use to tell me his g/f and the call girls, his friends having relation with other married girls etc. More importantly our physical relation is also not normal he do sex weirdly and never go for intercourse. We never had intercourse till now.....I was doing good job but when he came here my mother asked me to leave job. I can get job again that's not issue.

        Samreen: Does you mom know all about his visa fraud, sex with g/f and call girls and weird sex behavior? Why do you think he never goes for sexual intercourse? He could end up in prison for committing Visa fraud. If he can do Visa fraud, claim to be disabled and change names on Nikahnamas, he may do lot of other illegal stuff. Find a job.

        • Its hard to explain but she knows about his illegal docs but he is living there from 8 years without any problem he is known there with different name, age and parents who are dead. I dont know how to make my mom convinve that i dont want to continue this relation and wait. Her point is he told u about his past nd he said sorry so its allright. She really dont bother about my feelings she want me to just have patience till one day vn everythng becms automatically allright. She said if he is that bad why he is not leaving you he loves you so he is with you. I feel lost i dont know what to do. My mother says if he divorced himself thn she l b ok but not going to allow me to ask for it. I dont understand her logic. I can jz pray nd ask for ur prayers. Thanks.

          • Samreen: he is living there from 8 years without any problem he is known there with different name, age and parents who are dead.

            Well your husband can't have finger prints of the person whose ID he has stolen. His documents may be fraudulent and not discovered yet.

            You should keep working and saving money. You may need money some day Working will also keep you busy and save you from depression. Job experience will help you find a job in UK. You need to get out of the home frequently to keep you sanity..

            Your mom knows this guy will not divorce. I guess she does not care if he sleeps with other g/fs or call girls or married women. But you have to be careful about getting STD from him.

            Use your IPHONE to record his admission of sleeping with other girls, if he brags about it. Does he drink?

  7. We married 2 years back and then he went to UK and after 2 years he came now 2 months back. In between this time there were so much issues family fights, his relations with other girls. I was living with my parents from last 6 months and now with in laws. He said he is going to apply for spouse visa this year but that involve few probs first his own papers are on the name of some other person and he have to change his name on our Nikkah nama etc plus his wage is not enough for which he was saying he would show himself disabled person.

    He is 7 or 6 years elder than me. They were financially not very strong and use to live in our house after he got his visa in UK they moved to new house in all these years v never had any interaction till our nikkah. After nikkah i tried to talk but he was not really intrested my mother told me he is bit shy and he feel you he have complex that his wife is more educated and he will be allright after marriage. After our nikkah he came back after 2 years for rukhsati though i was not willing but when i said yes i had no negativ thoughts about him. But living with him and knowing him more made me feel irritated and disgusted. He use to tell me his gf and the call girls, his friends having relation with other married girls etc. More importantly our physical relation is also not normal he do sex wierdly and never go for intercourse. We never had intercourse til now.

    i was doing good job but when he came here my mother asked me to leave job. I can get job again thats not issue. Problem is my parents not going to allow me this they are happy that i am back to my house and they dont have to reply to people about me. Thing that make me upset is i dont love my husband and even sometimes i use harsh words towards him and i am making my Allah angry. My mother use to say when you going to marry someone else its possible he also have these issues than what wud u do.

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