Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I end this marriage?

anxiety

Assalamoalekum i m in a situation. my greedy inlaws and my husband dont demand anything from me directly. instead they use their art of fulfilling their greedy desires, the art they used upon other women also (on their other daughter in laws).

what they do is simply..they dont provide me anything..no money, no clothes, no food. when i ask for any of the thing, they give me only little of that for e.g when i ask for money, my husband says, i spend it all in the home and i hav no savings how can i give u? if i ask for food, he brings low quality vegetables, and the fruit he brings is barely edible. i ask for clothes he brings low quality fabric and only one or two dresses in the whole season 4me to wear.

and i want to tell this to u that by profession he is a doctor. outside home, he has a respect, people know him as a respectful gentleman who is a doctor, earns money, runs is family.!!

he asks me about the gold that how much gold i brought from my parents and that i give it to him all and he will keep it to a safe place! im a doctor too. my husband did all this with me to force me indirectly to get a job and earn myself..as i was not doing any job after marriage bcoz of the kids.

and then i applied for the job. as soon as i got the job and started earning, my husband asked me for my salary..and that also indirectly. what he did was he left one of his job (he had 2jobs) and started telling me that he has no money to feed the children, pay house rent etc and repeatedly asked me if i have money to give him

soon after my marriage, i had given him authority to spend my money, i didnot set any boundry between us about money and anything else as i had a mindset that husband and wife should be like friends..i treated him like a friend..and expected the same from him.   and what he did was..he finished all my bank account with in a month.. he started telling me lies, he spent my money to bring things for his father, mother, his sisters to make them happy as they all have greedy nature. he lied to me that he is not getting any salary due to some issues at his workplace. and so many other lies..i found he has a habbit of lieing alot

i have been living with him since 4years and i came to know that my husband..bcoz he is educated.. sometimes he begins to realize that he is wrong at these aspects. as we frequently had talks about these issues and i openly discussed and informed him all the facts about what the islam says about what are the duties and rights of husband and wife.. and i see signs of improvement in him then suddenly he changes and again he comes up with same old mindset.

actually he goes and discusses this with his brothers, his sisters and his mother and father also.. and i see him changing. his opinions suddenly change and again he comes with the same opinion. then he talks like this..  these are his words  '' u r my wife. i m ur husband so im superior to u. u r just a woman. a woman is supposed to follow what the husband says..u shud do only what i say and dont argue..dont say this is ryt and this is wrong just shut ur mouth. what i decide is final. whatever u earn u shud give it to me i will consider it a sacrifice..a husband will only love a wife who sacrifices for her family''

his family has teach him that you are a man and try being dominant..a woman (wife) should remain inferior to you all the time..after all you are a man..

some people advise me,,be practical and give him some money, satisfy his greed then he will be all yours..he will then treat u wel and will not misbehave with u anymore . but i consider its wrong. i havent supported his greedy behaviour till now and as a result i have faced a lot of trouble..he behaves with me like im  a housemaid..asks me to give duty of his father and mother as a housemaid

now what is the situation that im trapped. i have given birth to three children and my family is suggesting me not to go for the divorce as it is harmful for the children. im in pakistan. our society treats divorce as a taboo and victims of broken families find no place in our society. what should i do?

seriously i can't live with this person anymore. i have given up my patience. i have talk to him so many times but we end up fighting. i have told him i want to live separate..not with in-laws.. as i am already facing too many problems..also have to look after my 3 small children and my mother-in-law is creating so many misunderstandings between me and my husband. my husband refuses to live separately

i have a son 2 and a half years old and two twin daughters which are 1 and half years old. its so difficult to takecare of 3 small children at a time alone as my husband doesnt help me in it at all.

i will mention here that my in-laws have got their own separate home where they lived with two of their sons and now suddenly my husband has made them shifted to our home so that he may put additional burden and mental pressure upon me as already i am not paying him my salary or giving him my gold jewellery

also he forcibly made me resign from my job and stay at home ..this he did as a result of being pressurized from his family (my mother-in-law, and my sister-in-law) as he was having trouble when i was going to job,i used his car for pick and drop and they thought  i am contributing in increasing the expenses..car is using fuel and i am not even paying him from my salary

so i resigned from the job. job was my only means to stay away from the frustration i was facing at home. my husband is not allowing me to do job again even when i told him that i will pay him for using his car

currently i am at my parents home.. i have not told my husband that i have become hopeless about my married life but i have to tell him soon that i think our relationship is not working and that i want to take a final decision. but.. he is very short tempered and foolish person

in past 4 years which i spent with him..i never saw him having his own opinion..he always asks his brothers and his mother and his sisters for even simple issues.. then whatever is their opinion about that particular thing or issue..he adopts it as if its his own opinion or thinking. for example..he asks his brother where to shop?then his brother tells him the cheapest 3rd class market of the town and then he takes me there for shopping.

now i have no idea how will he behave after he hears the news that his wife doesnot want to continue living with him.. his brothers and sisters surely will advise him in a way that he may get aggressive so may be he behave bad or take away my children forcibly.

he calls me daily and asks me when i am coming back ..its been 3 weeks now i have to decide finally as i cant keep lieng to him about why i am not coming back but i am afraid of the result so need proper advice ..plz help and suggest am i right to leave him or i can adjust with him in some way

mahrukh


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21 Responses »

  1. I think you are an educated person and very well knows that what you need to do. But if it helps to hear it from others than put your foot down. Its your life and you can support yourself and your kids. There is no cure for a li lag person. Yes Pakistani culture is very difficult for a divorced female but there are females that have survived. Think about your children and about yourself and not about the society. Cut that part of your life that makes you miserable. He dosent wants a wife but a servant. But the decision is yours u want to stay miserable or you want to make your life better.

    • @Mahrukh: u r my wife. i m ur husband so im superior to u. u r just a woman. a woman is supposed to follow what the husband says..u shud do only what i say and dont argue..dont say this is ryt and this is wrong just shut ur mouth. what i decide is final. whatever u earn u shud give it to me i will consider it a sacrifice..a husband will only love a wife who sacrifices for her family.

      Your husband may be a doctor but his thinking about you as a wife is like an illiterate person. You should work, you never know if you may have to live seperate. Just give him 25% or so as your share of family expenses, rest you should save for your kids.

  2. in our deen what is worse than some one who inflicts harm to others... is those who allow them to do so.
    be strong but think practically.. you need proper back up from someone reliable if you are worried about his reaction.. and the kids.
    even if its not a family member.. but someone who can support you and stand firm with you.
    End of the day.. life is very short.. and no human being weather woman, man, muslim or not.. should feel they Must compromise so much so that they are silently suffering their life away.
    May Allah guide you to make the right choice for yourself and your children.. and at the right time for your husband also.

  3. If I were you I would investigate the possibility of emigrating to the US, Australia, or Canada. You should find out the requirements for you to qualify as a physician in those countries. It could be hard to leave your parents, but you could raise your children with far less stigma than they would face in Pakistan.

    In the US we have Muslims from many different cultural backgrounds, which can make it easier.

  4. Be very careful if you decide to seek foreign residency that DH doesn't find out until it is a fait accompli.

    • i did plan for usmle (an exam in u.s for doctors) but i dont think that i alone can manage to migrate to other country along with three children as there are many issues which can arise adjusting urself away from the homeland. and what is meant by DH?

  5. You should really educate yourself very well and properly on women's matters and women's rights in Islam so that you will know when your husband is blatantly spreading lies about Islam, and trying to manipulate you in to believing his lies for his own gain. Because that is indeed what he is doing right now, when he's telling you a Muslim wife is supposed to keep her mouth shout, work and hand over all of her earnings and gold to him. What kind of man seriously does that?! Your husband needs to work fulltime, provide properly for his wife and children and stop being so stingy and manipulative! And he for sure needs to keep his greedy eyes and hands off of his wife's earnings and gold!

    Please do NOT hand over another penny, and definitely do not hand over ANY of your gold, to your husband "to keep safe" for you. He's not going to keep anything safe for you, he's stealing from you. Why would you need him to keep anything safe, anyway? What are you, a child that needs her father to look after her valuables? No!

    You need to take a stand with your husband, and you need to do it right now. Enough is enough! You have unfortunately let him get away with too much, so he has now learned that you're his private ATM machine. You are lucky in that you have a degree and a good job - leave this man for a while, and spend YOUR money on YOURSELF, to show him you don't tolerate his manipulation and stinginess anymore - and do not return to him until he clearly makes an effort to change for the better. In Islam, not being provided for is a valid reason for a woman to divorce her husband for. He needs to step it up and take his husbandly duties seriously.

  6. He seems to be a person who follows his mom n brothers withought bothering right or wrong ...Tell him if he don't change you won't come back ..Just give one last chance and don't tolerate further humiliation .

    • whenever i take stand, his ego comes between us. he takes it as a challenge. however i am not challenging him just i need him to realize that he is wrong but.. he never understands. so thats y i have become hopeless.

      he is satisfied with fact that whether i take stand against him or not, i am supposed to live with him so he never realizes his mistakes never cares whatever i say or complain. and thats y he continues to treat me that way.

      infact he has adopted this particular method of behaving indifferent and insensitive to the wife's feelings because of the fact that his other brothers have also applied that method on their wives and they have succeeded in manipulating their wives to become SLAVES. his brothers are his role models and i am the victim he is experimenting on.

  7. assalaam ou alaikoum,

    If he says he is superior to you, then why is he begging you for your money (or rather demanding it arrogantly as if he owns it)? What an inferior being he is. Dear sister, you're better off without him. Don't think for one minute that he will treat you better once you surrender your money and your gold to him. If you do he will be owning you completely. And you would be rewarding him for mistreating you. He would treat you even worse after that (if that's even possible). I know the country you're living in is a tough place for women. Some of those "muslim countries" are so unfair and so difficult for women and their rights. So I would'nt even know what to advise you, as I am not in your situation and couldn't even imagine what you are going through. All I can say is stand your ground and don't let him rob you of what's yours. You are now at your parents place, i suggest you stay there and tell him the truth, why you are there. You should tell him everything. You should demand him to change his ways. In the worst case, you are with your own family, and you are a doctor, it must be possible for you to support yourself and your children. At this point he is nothing but a burden to you. He doesn't support you financially, he is mistreating you and making you unhappy, along with his whole family. Maybe this will give him time to think and realise what he would be losing. Although I wouldn't count on that to happen. May Allah give you strenght sister.

    • As the others here have said, do NOT give him your gold. Then your children and you will have nothing, and he will simply waste and squander it

      Separate your bank accounts, now. Open a new one where he has no access.

      In Islam, a woman's earnings and wealth are her own, and her husband has no say over them - except among the Wahhabis in Saudi.

    • thanks alot for the reply.
      you know i didnt fulfill his expectations of giving him my money and gold as i personally felt what you have told me here that the things will get even worse. obviously his greed and hunger for money will increase isnt it? and what i require is respect in my husband's heart for me ..and this kind of person can never ever respect me.. he will never ever understand the value of a woman. thats what i fely about him

      but my family is angry up on me. they blame me for allowing the things to get worse. they say its all your fault you are not practical enough to understand what kind of person he is and deal him that way

      they say,,if you would have dealt with him in the required manner, he might be satisfied with you and would not have created problems for you

      they say it happens in every marriage. and you have failed to deal and failed to complete the requirement of situations

  8. Assalam alaikum Sister,

    At this point, it seems you are waiting for matters to worsen.

    Dear Sister, take a moment to sit by yourself, center and focus you thoughts. Re-read what you have written here. Breathe.

    When I read your post, I do not read or sense your husband as a man who is protecting the interests of his family or the mother of his children. He is happy to exercise superiority over you when marriage isn't about being superior over another person. I don't think I will have the words to express what I want to here--much to our dismay, Islam is continually hijacked by the mentality of such people--both men and women. Your husband claims to be superior over you, but takes advice from his sisters and mother--are they not women? I hope you understand where I am going with this.

    Sister, I understand that because you live in Pakistan, society there isn't accomodating to women in the very least--but if you choose not to be brave, you will choose to the live the way you are. Allah swt has given you the opportunity to become a doctor, get an education, have the ability to earn money--many women do NOT have these opportunities, so please do not squander them.

    There is nothing wrong with being an obedient wife to a husband who is observes Islam as opposed to blindly following a culture with many unIslamic practices. You will have to be brave, protect yourself, and stop giving money to your husband and giving your gold to him. What kind of man inquires and looks forward to getting the gold from his wife and wife's family--there is no honor in this. Would any woman want her son to do this to his future wife? No, this is wrong.

    If you feel that you can speak to him calmly about these issues and come to an agreement that will be upheld, then pursue it, otherwise, do not bend so much that you will only be broken.

    Do whatever you can and pursue your career, take care of your kids (and you will need finances in order to facilitate their upbringing positively especially where you live), read more about Islam (be careful that references are given as there are pieces of literature in Pakistan that are rather questionable), and be firm--do not waiver and doubt yourself so much. What you are experiencing is wrong.

    May Allah swt protect the Muslim men and women so that we may uphold loving and joyous marriages filled with kindness and thoughtfulness. Ameen.

    May Allah make it easy for you sister.

    • i have discussed with him each and everything i have written over here. he is so hypnotized by his family members that he is firm on his beliefs . he even takes stand against me on that and very confidently tells everyone that my wife is weaker as she is a woman so just tell her to obey me. even my family talk with him ..what he did was he complained about me that your daughtr is very disobedient to me,, she hates her inlaws so doesnt want to live with them and asks for separation and things like that. his thinking pattern is like upside down. all i realize is that its time for separation but still im thinking.. only bcoz of my children. thanks sister. just pray 4me

      • Sister, your husband isn't going to change. The sooner you realize this, it will be better for you and for your children. You are an educated woman, use that to your advantage.

        I strongly advise that you pray Isthikhara. Seek guidance from Allah swt. At least you should know that the way you are living is no way to live.

        May Allah ease your difficulties sister, Ameen, thummah Ameen.

  9. Sister i m facing the same problem.i m a doctor too my husband is an engineer n hav a 2 yr old son.my hisband n in laws share the same mentality as urs.living in separation for 10 months.i consulted my elders n also prayed istekhara.they r manipulating to come back on the term to cut off ties with my fsmily as they took stand against the oppression.i didnt want divorce but i m realizing tat my husband n in laws 14th century century mentality n greedy nature wont change n if i go back on their terms things wil get worse so i m prayin to Allah for best decision for me n my son.and nw to focus on my career as a sound career wil help my kid.upbringing.these kind of ppl psycologically manipulate u so tat n so remain in earni.g n household chores tat ur career wil get stuck merely obs n no postgraduate qualofication.mphil is
    good option to do wit kids

    • ahan. i hav started my mphil sis. i came bk to my husband after so much talks upon the issue. nowadays i earn and my husband takes all my salary. my parents r satisfiedd and happy with my this decision as i didnt harm their reputation by getting divorce, i hate my husband, still sleep with him and everyday i hav a feeling as if i am a slave

  10. You life is currently at:
    http://legacy.quran.com/4/35

    You need to assign a mediator from your family and tell him the terms and conditions you need to fulfill this marriage. This person will then go talk to his family and try to negotiate terms with his mediator. Once you have an agreement of terms please write them down and keep a copy with you at your house and one at his house. If you do not have an agreement you are looking at divorce and your life will move to

    http://legacy.quran.com/65/1-5

    This section of the Quran requires you to not leave his household while you are completing the number of days unless you're committing an immorality. It's a final chance for reconciliation as you will not be fulfilling your wife duties but would still be there. So it would seem you would have to move back to his house to go through the divorce process if mediation fails.

    The issues I see in your marriage is that he is trying to be a good son and good brother to his extended family but it's costing him his immediate family. The other issue is that he is not leading by consulting you as to what you need he is primarily being subservient to his extended family and listening to their needs. Good luck I hope things work out for you.

    Oh one other thing, a lot of people focus on
    http://legacy.quran.com/4/34
    to say that the woman must be subservient to the guy at all times.

    but this verse grants you similar rights to what is expected of you:
    http://legacy.quran.com/2/228-230

    You aren't his slave, he can lead but he has to be a good leader and take into account the needs of the people he is leading. Marriage takes a lot of work, and is not easy.

    • thanks alot M for reply.

      i think my husband is a kind of person who does not fear Allah so that is why he doing all that. i went thru the verses u quoted . still there is no hope .

      practically i am dealing successfully nwadays. i am paying him and he lets me live with him and my children.

      no one follows quran no one follows rules given in islam to treat wife, atleast not in da society where i live.

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