Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I leave my abusive husband?

An abused woman, a victim of domestic violence

A victim of abuse

Please, I need advice as to what to do in my marriage. I am at the last straw and I have tried everything to make it work.

I have been married for 8 years and MashAllah have two boys by the Grace of Allah.

My problems, however, with my husband have been there since we got engaged. Actually the real reason that my husband claims is because I was in two relationships before I got married to him. I committed the highest sin of Zinaa before marriage and my mistake was that I told my husband about it before we got married. I actually wanted to marry the person that my second relationship was, as you could say that I was in love with him. But due to  my wrongful judgement about my first relationship, my parents didnt want to listen to me and they forced me to marry my husband.

But as Allah as my witness that I have been a loyal and loving wife in all aspects with my husband from the day we got engaged. I accepted him as my husband and I have loved him as my husband as it is what Allah had destined for me. I have even sponsered my husband and so he got a passport for this country and now  he can live here and work in one of the top leading company here.

Over time I have become very religious and strong in my faith. I have cried and begged and pleaded Allah to forgive my sins  and help me in this matter.

My husband has physically and verbally started abusing me from the third day of our marriage. For two years I never told anyone. But then I involved his and my family. Everyone knows about my past now as my husband has told them. At first I hated him for that but now I have accepted it and forgave him.  He admits hes doing something wrong as he is very educated but he says he can't forget my past and that is why he abuses me. We have seeked help from Maulanas (religious ppl) and Psychiatrists. We have had many sit down discussions with each other and our families. Every time he promises not to do it , but does it again.

My life is a living hell. I am always walking around eggshells when hes home, afraid all the time that he will get mad at any little thing. My kids are suffering as they hear and see their mom being yelled, cursed and hit at.

I don´t understand what to do, as he is a good father and genuinely a good caring husband if his anger is not there along with being a good muslim. But I am frustrated and fed up as I feel empty inside because of all the abuse I have taken so far. I know my kids are suffering from all this and I cant let this happen but I also dont want to take their father away from them.

I don´t know if I should stay with him or leave. My family and his family Alhumdulillah support me and don´t want him to continue this abuse. But we have all done whats in our power to help him and he is still angry.

I live alone with him away from our families, which is why I am always afraid he might do something extreme in his anger. I believe he just used me for his selfish reasons and now he can´t live with me.

PLEASE help me. Give me some advice as to what my next steps should be. I am devastated as to why Allah has given me such a long torture and punishment for my sins. Have I not suffered enough?

Emaan


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20 Responses »

  1. Salam sister,
    I am sorry to read about your difficult situation. May Allah SBT make this test easy for you and give you the wisdom to make the right decision, ameen. Sister, your situation is an example for which I stress to many people that once a person has repented from a sin they have committed, they should not reveal it to anyone, including their potential partner. Allah is the concealor of all sins. He is the only one who is justified to expose anyone for he knows the best reason behind it. Sister, you should have not shared your past with your husband, although I understand you did it with good and faithful intentions. You did not want to 'betray' him and you have been faithful with him throughout. However, your act of kindness has resulted in your own miseary. A man's nature is very possessive and jealous when it comes to his wife. He cannot imagine his wife being shared. At first, many of these men claim to forgive their wife and accept her in marriage, but later they turn tables and use this aspect to dominate and control them. Your example is a classic one. On just the 3rd day of marriage he began with his abuse. He could not even control himself during the initial days? This shows his true nature. Sister, he does not trust you and feels a lack of empathy for you because of your past. This is unacceptable. If he had such a problem with your past, he should have never agreed to marry you. As you claim, you have tried everything (i.e.: family, counselling, mulanas, etc) and it has been 8 years! Now his behaviour is begginning to take a toll on your children. Sister, you state, "I know my kids are suffering from all this and I cant let this happen but I also dont want to take their father away from them." This particular quotation caught my attention. Tell me one thing, would you rather live seperately and give your children a positive environment then keep them in a dysfunctional family system and give them the preveliage of living with their abusive father? Which decision will cause more loss and damage to your children? Ofcourse, living with their father and viewing all this will. They, like many children may become depressed and hopeless and will not know what a successful marriage contains. Allah forbid, they may pick up habits from their father and take it forth into their future relationships, that would be the worst! Children model behaviour of their parents and I know of many examples where children live in dysfunctional family and damage their personalities due to their parents fights and arguments. Sister, you need to walk out now. I hardly favour divorce but I see nothing but miseary for you and your children if you remain with this person. You have tried all alternatives and given it your best. He just doesn't seem to want to change and probably never will. If after 8 years and 2 sons he cannot move on from the past, when will he? I always stress to people in dysfunctional family situations, it's better for a child to live with one parent then to have to view abuse and have their personality damaged. Many children become the victim of their parents problems, they dont deserve to!
    Stay strong sister

    • Assalamu alaikum

      Well said Sister
      JazakALLAH khair
      I too have thought the same

      Dear Sister Emaan
      Its hightime you take a right decision atleast now,
      Its intially dificultt but ALLAH(swt) will make it easy for you to face thes tough situations
      Dont think why ALLAH has given all these to me ,Everythng happens for good
      This is my personal opinion ,Just make your wayout ,Feel the fresh air with no abuse ,Life is still beautiful ,I pray may ALLAH(swt) give yu the courage and support u need,I wish you all the best

    • Salaam sister, you are going through what i am going through except marshallah i have two daughters. All I can say is get out of this relationship he is not worth your love or respect. They just don't understand that they are not to treat their children's mothers this way. Ask yourself if you love your children to such an extent that you allow him to abuse you over and over again then he should be able to stop abusing you for the sake of his children but i bet he does not. You will begin to hate him which is not health for you as it will show in the way you view the world. Get out while you can Allah has given you two beautiful sons, blessed you with motherhood stay strong. Just think about that sister.

  2. Salaams

    I agree with the sister above, you should of never told your husband about your past. But whatever has happened cannot be undone. Your husband should accept and forget about your past since he was well aware of it before you'll got married. He should'nt of even disclosed your past to his family.

    If you'll have tried everything to bring the marriage together and still nothing is working then I would personally suggest a seperation. You fear your own safety so you need to get away from this man.This abuse was for two years, It could carry on your whole life if you do nothing about it. Don't let kids grow up in this unhealthy environment. Yes they would miss their father but over time they would adjust and get used to not having him around all the time.

    Think of this situation as a test from ALLAH. Look in a way this situation has brought you closer to ALLAH. Allah has given you family support. Go to them to help you. Continue to make DUA. Everything will work out from you.

    Rumaysa
    .

  3. JazakAllah all of you for giving me your opinions, suggestions and support. I cant tell you how much it means to me. I am really trying to fix our issues as he doesnt want me to leave. Hes trying to change as well. However, I have told my family that I have given my husband a month and then I will decide whether to stay or leave. Please all of you pray that whatever Allah has planned for me, it benefits my kids. May they become great Muslims and not suffer from all this.
    Trying to stay strong. Keep me in your prayers.
    JAK
    sister emaan

    • Dear sister Emaan,
      I am glad to read your reply. Stay strong and may Allah give you the wisdom and knowledge to take the right decision, ameen. If you are extremely confused, why not perform salat-ul-istikhara for guidance from Allah swt? I am sure you will not suffer any loss so why not give that a try also before taking a decision?

      Best wishes.

  4. Somebody who loves you wouldn't bring something up that hearts you so much. You told your husband about
    your past in confession so he is using it against you so he can physically hurt you.
    He is not a proper Muslim and certainly doesn't act like one.

    Leave him please for your sake and your children
    What examples are you setting for them and their future wives.

    Allah will protect you but be wise about it and protect yourself and your children.
    Things will get worse if you don't act wisely on what you do from now on.

  5. Salam,
    i read your note emaan and i must say you are a v courageous and a true muslim woman who not only confessed the truth about your past to your husband but also tried to put up with his mean ways for 8 years.
    i can tell you many things at this point of your life because like you i am a victim of domestic abuse too. its not physical so far but the emotional and verbal abuse has affected me ( and my 3 and half yr old son), indirectly, too. in simple words emaan, ' THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE, NO MATTER ITS about SOMEONE'S PAST, PRESENT OR FUTURE '. its not worth spending/wasting your life with someone who does not appreciate your honesty. Do you really think that your husband is a saint? in his past or God knows in present, too.
    Do not think with your heart, think with your mind. its a v difficult decision, trust me i know. i made that decision too. i have left my husband with my son, got an order of protection against him and its been more then one and half month and i have not received or sensed any sense of apology, empathy or regret from my husband so far. i dont know if its worth to weight and watch but i am realizing that he sure made me feel v sorry,guilty and worried for the things i did not even do wrong. that's how they work, they pick one topic always and overlook everything that you do. trust me there were good days too,dinners, vacations but even in those trips my husband made sure i feel i dont deserve it. i dont know if it sounds familiar? but i have been doing alot of reading to assess and realize what abuse actualy is, especaily if its verbal or emotional one.
    If you like we can talk, maybe it will help us both. May Allah help us in the right direction.

  6. Understand me when I say that I know what you are going through. I understand that you feel you can not leave and the chances that if you do he will come for you and try to kill you or bag for you back just do it all over again.
    But when that happens it would be much worse. At least he is allowing you to talk to your mom.
    Abusers will make it about you. No matter what it is its all about you and what you have done. You caused for him not to trust you. That is what you believe because he has placed that there.
    One day you will have enough because he stopped abusing you and started on the kids. Then after that you will decide to fight back to protect them and when you do you will accidentally kill him , or hurt him severally. Then the cops will be called and you will be the one to blame and you wont say anything in fear. You will agree to whatever story he has made up or he will claim you tried to kill him so then he once again has control over you in court. Understand that you need a plan and what I am saying is very real and it does happen. You need to reach out somewhere safe and get yourself out before he kills you or you kill him. Ask yourself how important religion is to you when your life and his life is at risk.
    You are in a state of mind where you can break free and when you do do not look back.
    Document all the abuse so if you don't leave and one of you kills each other then there is some document to what you endured from him. It is not your job to fix him . It is not your job to make him trust you. If he can not trust you then he needs to find someone he can trust and leave you alone.
    No trust there is no love.
    I tell you from experience.

  7. Salam,
    I came across this post by chance. You are a strong woman mashAllah. I hope your problems have subsided by now and you have found peace and happiness in your marriage. You husband does not know how lucky he is to have an honest woman like you.
    The societal pressures or dealing with and being quiet about abuse in our cultures is alot. However, it is not the way of Islam. Please dont suffer just because you are scared to take a chance. You have done nothing wrong and Allah is very forgiving. Recite dua-e-istakhara often and let Allah open the right doors for you. I really hope and pray you are okay.
    Take care and be strong :)

  8. Even though you have sinned no man woman or child should suffer from abuse,if your kids really do hear the abuse i think they would understand if you left him.Allah probobly forgave you already ,abuse is one of the most serious matters physically and mentally.I belive that if you leave him it will ease your pain,you are very brave for posting this.it is inportant that you take the place of your children`s point of view,it is hard to let your mom get hurt ,but you being a child you will have little affect.Please concider this if it does not stop, it will help so mutch.

  9. Salaam sis.like the saying goes,''once an abuser,always an abuser' it will seem ok for a few days the bhoom!!..back to their normal self.it's like a disease that doesn't go away unless you take some extreme action eg..kill it with some harsh drugs or cut it off like some ugly wart you don't want.sometimes we just want to have everything normal for the sake of kids,but you have to understand thay as well as you are only getting drained and destroyed by someone who is selfish and controlling.how will someone learn if they haven't been punished??...May Allah swt help you and guide you to make the right choice!..

  10. I'm going through the same thing, and yet I'm scared to leave!!!
    I recently just had a baby she's 5 months old and don't want her being around the abuse either!!
    He's pushed me against walls yelled in my face says rude awful
    Things and I'm scared to stand up for myself I wanna leave but I too have no family even close to were I am I gave no were to run to!! What should I do?

  11. i have a question how can i register ?

  12. i am very dipressed sisters ,i have one son only 2 months old and i am married to husband its been 1 and half year now...

    (I deleted the rest of your question. Please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)

  13. Salam aleykum Eman,
    I am surpriced people here say you made mistake telling about your past to your husband since it doesn't make difference now anymore.You already opened about your sins and can't do much to reverse that and you repented sencerely to Allah alhamdo lilah so your husband should not sick means against you!I am surpriced he is using stupid reasons to make you feel bad.The problem is most likely in your conscious and not in your husband perhaps you are just feeling guilty about your since and appear this way in front of him so he can use this weapon to control you.He is cruel! The guy is abuser in his nature and of course this will lead you to blame it on yourself and create tension in yourself.For whatever reason he is such a jerk you have 2 options.I would opt for trying to save your marriage because it's alliance that Allah SWT created among you.If you give everything from yourself to satisfy him and have no remorse at all would help a lot to look at his accusations as small and insignificant.What I mean to say is that we will always have trouble with someone when we feel guilty of something we have done because is our remorse that makes us feel that might be always our fault.I am from non muslim background I find all this troubles in my own parents and my aunts and uncles.My family in exchange were very conservative and never had relationships before marriage and that probably makes them feel they have not done anything wrong to take abuse and makes them look at their husbands as their acusations are false and untrue and they don't even take them seriously.My aunt has extremely bossy and manipulatative husband ,she does so much for him for 40 years from her life but she always seems like when he is accusing her and making her feel worthless like he is not big deal.Remember everything is in our minds and the more we give up to our faults and imperfactions we will be easy to insult and blame.The second option which is veery sad would be divorce,which breaks and destroys families!Plz don't go for that one since Allah SWT hates it.

  14. askm sister eman,
    its now over 3years and i'm sure we all are yearning to g
    et some news of your situation ...have all your issues resolved InshaAllah....please do update and share with us whether all is fine with you .
    askm

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