My Muslim boyfriend says his family will disown him if they find out about me.
I have been with my boyfriend for the past year and a half and everything has been great, amazing even. He is everything I would want and need in a guy; the only problem here is his dad and the fact that he does know about me. He is from a Muslim background and his dad is very strict/religious, I am from a Hispanic background and catholic. Now his religion does not bother me in the slightest, I love learning about Islam and I am always asking questions.
I used to ask him why he couldn’t tell his parents or at least present me once as his girlfriend to his parents but he would always say that it would complicate things and that he would tell them after, like in a couple of year, I understood and left it but it gets me down because as much as I love him and trust him there’s always something in the back of my mind saying that he is only with me for now.
I don’t want to carry on waiting for him to tell them when that time might not ever come. So a couple of days ago I gave him an ultimatum and told him that he needed to tell them by the end of this year or that I couldn’t be with him anymore. I don’t want to sound selfish but I think that the longer we wait the more complicated and harder it could be to finally tell them.
He told me that if he told them that he would get disowned, he would have to leave his studies his home and his family. He has made it clear that his dad would have a lot of trouble accepting me, and even if we did get married, his parents and family wouldn’t even come to the wedding. I don’t want or need his family hating me for taking him away since he's the only boy. I don’t want that to rest on my conscience because I know how much family means to him, but I don’t want to leave him either.
I don’t know what to do because even my mum has said that he needs to tell them because she feels that he is disrespecting me by keeping me a secret for so long. We are both young (he is 19, I am 20) and I know anything could happen, I just don't want this to feel like a waste of my life and time. I need some help on how to deal with this - should I leave now and save my sanity or fight together trying to get his family to understand, will they even ever understand??
My family have also had trouble accepting it and understanding that I love him, I’ve even gotten in to huge arguments with them just as he will but I’ve fought it out because I want to be with him, I’m not sure he can do the same or at least not for some time.
~Kar
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Kar.. i thought id respond from experience.. i was with a muslim/s for many years.. unless they have any intention deep down in marrying you they will not tell their parents. In islam having a boyfriend/girlfriend is not permitted and as you guys are still young it wouldnt seem youre ready for marriage right now. From experience i say you should leave him. if you guys are willing to get married, the only way you guys could be together is if you reverted to islam, that way his family would be more inclined to accept you. I know it is hard because you love him but dear he will not tell his parents.. he shouldnt even be with you in the name of religion.. right now he is committing a sin and im sure he is aware.. if he wants to be with you you need to stop communicating and tell him if hes serious to let his parents know he wants to take you as his wife. If he cant do this, you need to leave him.. it will only cause you heartbreak down the line which will be even harder for you. As much as you want him to fight like you have, unless he is serious to take you as his wife he will not fight for this relationship. Dont let him use you dear. He will probably settle for someone who is a muslim down the line. Save yourself the tears and heartbreak now.
If i have said anything wrong, do pardon me im only talking from experience. I hope you gain the right guidance and realise what you need to do and what is best for you my dear
Dear Sister..
Well this is a hard problem, but nothing is impossible enshallah okey.. The way I see it, the biggest obstacle right now is the difference of religion between you and him. You told us that his father is religious, so this means that he would want someone religious as well to marry his son (every parents want that). But you're not even muslim (yet) so the problem lies here. But you went a step further, you told us that you are quite interested to learn about Islam, you asked questions, so alhamdulillah maybe that's the first step.
Sister, marriage is not something you can just rush into. It's not something that you follow your heart whole-heartedly 100% and things will just fall into places. This is not movies not fairy tales, this is life, full of dramas and it's consequences. Have you ever thought of how to lead your life being in the same house as a Muslim, when you yourself is not one? What about your children, will they decide themselves or will have an argument about religion? In Islam, the best marriage and the best house is the one which is filled with Qiams (night prayers) and Quran readings. But how can this be achievable when both spouse are not Muslims?
Sister, what you're doing right now, being in this relationship itself (pre-marital), is not good in Islam, I'm surprised why he doesn't tell you that, but what you're deciding now, about giving him an ultimatum, sounds like a good idea. If I were you, I would ask him to teach me more about Islam, then ask Allah to open my heart to it, and Only after (Only after) I embraced Islam, I would ask him to talk to his parents about me. Because the way I see it, there is No way the relationship would work if I didn't revert to Islam first. But to be Fair and Truthful here, one should Not revert to Islam Just for marriage..
Allah knows best 🙂
kar,
Can I know what is going on in your life now ?
________________________
and As you have been here
I would like to tell you about Islam
We Muslims worship Allah - the only one GOD who created you and me and all that exists.
The GOD of Adam, Noah , Abraham, Moses, Jesus, Muhammed (peace be upon them) and all.
why did Jesus(peace be upon him) the son of Mary (may Allah be pleased with her) came to this earth?
Jesus came to teach people about ALLAH. He came to teach people to worship none but ALLAH alone without associating any partners with HIM.
Allah says
“And I (Allah) created not the jinn and mankind except that they should worship Me (Alone)”
{Quran 51:56}
_________________
Allah alone deserves to be worshiped.
HE has no father, mother, brother, sister or son.
HE is not like us.
There is no one like HIM.
Allah says,
Say, "He is Allah , [who is] One,
"Allah-us-Samad (The Self-Sufficient Master, Whom all creatures need, He neither eats nor drinks).
He neither begets nor is born,
"And there is none co-equal or comparable unto Him."
(Quran 112: 1-4)
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what is the purpose of this life? just study, earn, marry, children and die or there is more to it?
Do you know that this life is temporary?? and we will die and will be raised up again and there is going to be a day of judgement?
Please Research about Islam. See how it makes sense inshaAllah.
I want you to be saved from the hell fire and enter Heaven so I invite you to Islam.
Here are some links for you where you can learn more about Islam inshaAllah
-> quran(dot)come
- > Invitation2Islaam(dot)wordpress(dot)com
replace above (dot) by . and paste and search in your address bar
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May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!
Hi Kar, I am in EXACTLY the same position as you and I need some advice.. I want to know whatever happened in your situation. Is there a way you can reach me (not in this forum) so I can ask you a couple personal things regarding my situation =(
Assalaamualaikam
We do not generally permit the exchange of personal contact details on this site, but you can ask your questions on the site if you wish - we have a range of contributors who may be able to help, inshaAllah.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Hi can you message me privately? I'm in the same position and would REALLY appreciate it.
We do not have a private messaging feature.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Hello,
I have a huge concern, its nearly been 2 years since me and my boyfriend had been together. He was raised a muslim his mother died while he was 7 but lives with his dad antie & bothers kids. My boyfriend is 24yrs old and I am 34yrs I am a black women with 2 kids. My boyfriend & I are deeply in love and want to be together. I get fustrated that he hasn't told his family about me. He told his uncle 1 time and then he ended it with me and said the age gap was to much. I was confused as I was the one who said this 2 yrs ago but he said age has nothing to do with this. Few days later I begged him back he said it was his uncle that put things in his head. He told me he wants kids of his own I said I will give him what ever he wants. He told his uncle not to tell the family about me. Yesterday he told me that if he tells his family about me they will kick him out and if we get married or have a kid he will still not tell them. I asked him why he said they won't like the fact that He is raising another mans child. He said his family knows he will not marry a muslim girl he does not go mosque or practic the faith. I really want to encourage him too but feel so sad that the family will never meet me because of my past.
Sam, this man has made it clear that he does not want to marry you, and he will not go against his family. So why are you still with him? You need to break off this relationship and let him go. You have no future with him.
If you need further advice, please register and write your question as a separate post, thank you.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I recently asked him. He has said that he wants us to marry and said he would not carry on with us if he did not think it was possible. I just want the family to accept me and not be so judgmental.
He and his family will play with your emotion sister go far away from him don't ruin your life again...
Hello just an update I found out my boyfriend is engaged to be married. Me him & my kids went on holiday and he told me. He has been engaged with her for 2 years same amount of time we have been together. I am devastated he can do this to me. He says he dont know what to do it had gone so far in the engagement for it to be called off. He said he dont want to hurt his family he wants to make his family happy. He cried that he hurt me he said he didn't expect to meet someone in his life so honest and good. He said that he keeps delaying the wedding and makes excuse to extend it because he is not sure. The girl is a family friend and he said the family like her. I asked him to make a choice me or her and he said he dont want to loose me, he is going to speak to an iman to see if there is a way around it. Then he said he is going to come clean and tell his uncle & family that this relationship we have is very serious and one that cannot be brushed under the carpet which he said they may try to do he said he will tell them he loves me this us all after he comes back from another holiday. He says when he sees her he makes an excuse to run off because they don't talk, he has no feelings and its a job he does to please family with he he enjoyed being with me says I make him happy. What do I do? I feel numb this wait to see if her will choose me or not? The poor girl thinking her husband she will marry is clean. Should I tell her? Where does this leave me I know the easy option is to pick her because of family I'm scared his going to let me go
Hello just an update I found out my boyfriend is engaged to be married. Me him & my kids went on holiday and he told me. He has been engaged with her for 2 years same amount of time we have been together. I am devastated he can do this to me. He says he dont know what to do it had gone so far in the engagement for it to be called off. He said he dont want to hurt his family he wants to make his family happy. He cried that he hurt me he said he didn't expect to meet someone in his life so honest and good. He said that he keeps delaying the wedding and makes excuse to extend it because he is not sure. The girl is a family friend and he said the family like her. I asked him to make a choice me or her and he said he dont want to loose me, he is going to speak to an iman to see if there is a way around it. Then he said he is going to come clean and tell his uncle & family that this relationship we have is very serious and one that cannot be brushed under the carpet which he said they may try to do he said he will tell them he loves me this us all after he comes back from another holiday. He says when he sees her he makes an excuse to run off because they don't talk, he has no feelings and its a job he does to please family with he he enjoyed being with me says I make him happy. What do I do? I feel numb this wait to see if her will choose me or not? The poor girl thinking her husband she will marry is clean. Should I tell her? Where does this leave me I know the easy option is to pick her because of family I'm scared his going to let me go
I have the same situation as Kar and I would like some advice. There are some differences like we are older and my boyfriend he wants to marry me, but he is waiting for me to convert to Islam. I love to learn about his religion and culture, but what it push me away is that I will have to wear hijab and this will bring me problems with my family. We love each other very much, but I don't know what to do, any advice?
Your b/f is allowed to marry a Christian or Jewish woman. He may not even marry you after you convert.