Should I lower my expectations and get married? What if I am never happy?
Dear All,
I reached out to you all few months back through this <http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/lot-to-offer-parents-not-getting-me-married/> and now things have kind of progressed and i am at a loss again.
In the past few months my parents finally brought two proposals. The first proposal was amazing. The guy had an amazing and supportive family, he was well educated and had very bright career prospects and was well established. The family came and then disappeared and i didnt hear back for months. Just last week i heard that the guy had said no. Even though i kind of expected this but still it was a huge blow.
Now my parents brought another proposal. This proposal came through my sister and she is very close to the guy. This guy also has a nice and supportive family. But his education background is weaker than mine, he has an MBA but i am doing my MBA from a better university. Plus his job is good but not as good as mine is right now. But he is a very nice muslim, is a nice person and is respectful. However, i have apprehensions regarding his career prospects and how i will have to struggle financially with him if i say yes. Moreover, to make matters worse, i keep comparing him to the other guy who blatantly rejected me.
I know I am being foolish. But is it fair? Should i really just get over myself and lower my expectations and get married to him? I keep thinking yes that i have to. But then i think what is the point of girls struggling so much, getting such high education, struggling to get competitive jobs, when at the end of the day they just have to lower their expectations and just settle. Or do these 'dunyawi' things matter at all?? I feel like an ungrateful brat. :s
I am at a loss. My communication with my parents is zero. so i dont know how to communicate my expectations with them. I just dont know. Any advices? I am even scared to do an istikhara. because i feel like it is now or never for me.
Please pray for me and help me out.
Best,
mvz123
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"his education background is weaker than mine, he has an MBA but i am doing my MBA from a better university. Plus his job is good but not as good as mine is right now."
Seriously? An MBA is an MBA. A university is a university.
If you are worried that his job is such that he will never be able to provide for your family, then don't accept him
If you think you will always perceive yourself as superior to him because you attended a "better" university and you currently have a "better" job, then reject him for his own benefit -- there are other girls who will appreciate him and his credentials.
I don't mean to be harsh because we all have our standards. But you seem very superficial. Most girls would love a proposal from a well-educated individual with a good job. You don't seem to value that. Sister, it is hard to find a muslim in a non-muslim world. You are allowed to have standards, but what you have described in your post is off the charts. My concern would be that in the future you will put him down if he does not achieve a certain level of prestige in his occupation.
totally agree with you 100% masAllah
You have MBA .. but he has the MAN...
Do not listen much to these feminist..
If you are going to talk to him in that arrogant way better not to marry him.
You know what a MAN means. What a husband means. Are you looking for an employee ??
Go get married sister and do not waste your youth.. this might sound harsh ... but something will tick in your mind... follow that.
May Allah bless you
Assalam alaikum,
I do believe that you should, as you said, "get over yourself" and I disagree with the second part, which said "lower [your] expectations." I think you lack a connection with reality because your personal successes have blinded you. If you accept his proposal, it isn't about lowering your expectations at all--what about him is lower in status than you? Is it only his career--which sounds actually rather wonderful!
I suggest that you spend some time with those less fortunate than you, visit those in palliative care, visit those going through difficult situations--regain perspective and focus in your life.
I really think you should accept his proposal by elevating your expectations and stop tallying up points. Marriage is never about competing with your spouse--you can either warm up to this idea or learn it the hard way sister, but it is about discovering love and comfort as you grow closer to a being a better person, where you compete with yourself, not your spouse, in order to improve.
I hope that you find all what you want in marriage inn shaa Allah, Ameen.
so your whole marriage is going to be decision based on the level of his education? if that is so, then sister I don't know what to say.
don't force yourself to accept him if your going to regret it. I think you shouldn't accept him. marriage is a 2 way thing, both parties need to put in equal amount of work. if one side fails, most likely the marriage will fall through.
I always say if your logic and commonsense isn't on the same level as your education then what is the use? marriage has more to it then just education. you should be more concerned with his character, meaning you want someone who will cherish you, never hurt you, take care of you etc and his religion. these are the most important aspect of marriage not the level of education.
lets say he has higher education than you but he mistreats you, would you be happy? since you married him due to his education? think, what is important to you..
peace...
You think of yourself wayy to high get over yourself honey !!! Stop thinking your education is better then his because at end of the day you just want love and respect in your marriage no education gonna count at least in my part !!! A men is a men he will never be low !!! Lol
Your reply is simply amazing & direct 🙂 masha allah
Sister,
Make Istikhara. You can marry a really nice guy and have a beautiful life together or...you can be alone. Think about what really matters and Inshallah everything will work itself out.
Salam
Salam Sister, i felt nervous when i hear about mentality & way of thinking people like. What if the guys reject you if you had a lower education?? May be you would find him wrong?? What about financial support? Financial support should be on both side but not one sided since nor man or woman is an slave.. and a man is not a bank account of women.. this is just a tradition but not mandatory.
All responsibility in a marriage is equal to both.. no one have more or oblige to do so. Just a man have a degree of advantage over his wife in few case.. such as permission.. , protection etc.. other is equal and same...
Marriage is something pure..clean.. a way for paradise.. but your bla bla bla education is nothing toward a happy marriage relationship with deen.. blessing.. loves..
By experienced.. you sound like you are from india or pakistan or from their root.. for me you may have a whatever level of education.. but your education level of life & moral are zero sister.. if this kind of education you dont have.. then u badly need to learn it.. sorry if i have said some point so direct.. but i need to be direct so that you can make up your brain work well & be positive.
One question to you.. why most of backward women in india, paki etc.. not all but most.. why they always look for man who have higher quality in all.. but they it come where women have higher quality over the man.. then they reject?? Then who is the fool? Man need to accept lower education from women.. but women will not accept?? I can't see any equality in this scenario... only discrimination i can see..
Anyway.. people can always change according of learning advise from people across the world.. may allah help you to to very educate about life education & the hereafter and to have a good moral about life.. love & marriage. May allah guide you & help you to repair your mentality.. and may you find success in your marriage insha allah.
Unfortunately it's not a tradition it's an islamic way of life it's husband responsibility to take care of his wife's nee sits not wife's responsibility. Even if she earns it's her money she don't have to share I but husband he must provide to his wife it's his responsibility.....
(b) Spending. The scholars of Islam are agreed that it is obligatory for husbands to spend on their wives, on the condition that the wife make herself available to her husband. If she refuses him or rebels, then she is not entitled to that spending.
The reason why it is obligatory to spend on her is that the woman is available only to her husband, because of the marriage contract, and she is not allowed to leave the marital home except with his permission. So he has to spend on her and provide for her, and this is in return for her making herself available to him for his pleasure.
What is meant by spending is providing what the wife needs of food and accommodation. She has the right to these things even if she is rich, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“but the father of the child shall bear the cost of the mother’s food and clothing on a reasonable basis” [al-Baqarah 2:233]
“Let the rich man spend according to his means; and the man whose resources are restricted, let him spend according to what Allaah has given him” [al-Talaaq 65:7]
Sources http://islamqa.info/en/10680
1 – If she stipulated at the time of marriage that she would carry on working, and that she should be allowed to go out to work, and he agreed to that, there is nothing wrong with her going out to work, and the money that she earns from her job is hers alone. It is not permissible for the husband to take any of it without her consent, and she may spend it however she wishes, as has been explained in the answer to question no. 4037 and 21684.
Her husband is still required to spend on her, so he has to provide food, accommodation and clothing for her on a reasonable basis.
Sources http://islamqa.info/en/103422
"What about financial support? Financial support should be on both side but not one sided since nor man or woman is an slave.. and a man is not a bank account of women.. this is just a tradition but not mandatory.
All responsibility in a marriage is equal to both.. no one have more or oblige to do so."
This is not correct. The husband holds the financial responsibility for his wife and children, and all other women in the family. The husband must also protect his wife and children. Men are the providers in Islam. Financial responsibility is not "equal". A wife has no obligation to go out and get a job in order to help her husband out.
This post is not about building or making generalizations about a certain ethnic group which doesn't even serve as being useful. There are women and men who might hold the same viewpoint and don't share the share the same ethnicity.
Woah sister... u already know u come off as a bit of a brat, so plz dont b surprised by some of these comments lol. But in all seriousness, if going forward with this guy will make u feel like u r "lowering ur expectations," then dont go thru with it. not because of an unfairness to u, but because of an unfairness to him! eventually ur resentment will become apparent, he will pick up on it, which will sour the marriage for both of u!
Sis, im not saying ur totally out of line. but trust me, a nice, educated, religious guy is hard to come by! i know how u feel and ur concerns, since my situation is similar to urs: im ambitious, good head on my shoulders, with a JD. yes i wanna find a guy that is similar... but i wont cross-off a guy so quickly. why? well i know im more than just the degree i have or the position i hold at work, and if it were me i would like a guy to consider that too. so i give guys that same consideration. try it out 🙂
You are such a brat to be honest I am sorry to say. Count your blessings you got proposals. You need to go to Pakistan and see what its like there for people, maybe then you will realise how lucky you are.
To even get a decent proposal from a good muslim guy will do it for me no MONEY OR EDUCATION can replace that TRUST ME. There's no point comparing yourself against another that's Shaytan whispering to you.
If he isn't enough for you then don't marry him, let him FREE to some other woman that will appreciate him.
In the end when we die we are not taking education, money, degrees in our graves, we are taking what did we do on the planet to serve Allah or how many good deeds did we do before we sit in our graves. I think people are forgetting this.
OP: The first proposal was amazing. The guy had an amazing and supportive family, he was well educated and had very bright career prospects and was well established.
Well guy rejected you, what difference it makes if family is amazing or not? Did you feel attracted to the first guy?
How long were you with that family?
Do you treat your siblings or cousins differently because they don't have an MBA? You forgot to compare your GPA.
sister
its an important point to look....not in financial terms....the funadamental thing looking for a spouse is deen..then comes everything else.....but....this a serious point what you should look...not in terms of your way...that is...there is a problem of ego...that may either occur to you or to him...and from your description i think it has already crept in....so if that is a problem then think....not because of the financial matters....ego is also act of shaitan...either you shed it or move away from it....pray to Allah...pray isthihara...that is the most best way to tackle this problem but keep this point in mind...
I agree what someone said, sorry to say this is so true alotttt of Indians and pakistan people if the other person doesn't have a education they won't marry them or talk to them , is that what life is all
About? Maybe a lot of people never got a chance to get a education like that so be thankful for what you have I couldn't careless if the guy has an education or
Not as as long he respect me and my family, realtives and
Who isn't a jerk, that's my education!!!
You are right sister.. common sense is a major part.. you may have education.. mba.. phd etc.. but if you dont have common sense you are nothing... both should be equal.. friendly.. and fear god.. life is simple.. but people make it difficult by their family, backgroud, culture.. tradition..they also mix culture & tradition with religion to make it look like an obligation..
Dear Sister ,
Nowadays ,I believe it is very rare for a woman to respect her husband only for his good character ,Honesty or pious nature .He needs to have MONEY on top of all those good characters to get respect and love .
Deeply religious people might ignore money factor but typical average type people won't .
If money is your big concern then please don't marry him .
Dear Brother,
Your belief in this doesn't make it a true statement--in fact, we should avoid generalizations like this. Perhaps this sister is struggling with what to look for in a marriage, but it doesn't mean that her views are the views of all other Muslimahs.
Furthermore, yes, a man does have to be financially-fit to marry a girl. I am sure any man who would evaluate a potential suitor for his daughter would expect his future son-in-law to have money and/or be able to earn halal money along with having good character. This is an Islamic responsibility placed on men not just for their wives, but also mothers and daughters. This is not some worldly female-imposed law on men.
Assalamolaikum Saba ,
If you see my statements i have used terms like "rare" " If" "then" , so statement will hold TRUE if certain condition is met .
In this case if MONEY is big concern for her then condition=TRUE (met)
You can't generalize any thing in this world because almost everything is based on certain condition . But if you are realistic in this world you will observe that Probability of my previous statement getting TRUE is HIGH .
I see you have agreed about this MONEY factor , by saying in your statement that any one who is searching for future son in law will definitely look in to financial fitness with Halal income .
But Catch here is for How much minimum money and assets you will be called as financially fit . There might be a scenario where a person who can provide descent housing ,clothing ,food and say some thing etc but still might appear as financially unfit due to lot of other luxurious life styles which he can't provide like holidays abroad ,more jewelry ,big cars etc etc .
So this sister needs to set her threshold for this money factor along with other good characters and decide about it ..
I totally agree with you, men are under a lot of pressures to fulfill the girl's families as well. Some parents are even very greedy and selfish. I am seeing this already on both sides and the fact is people have gone MAD on materialistic things, comparing one another regardless if one cant afford it or match up according to the families to show each other up. I also think good character Muslims are not being appreciated even if they are honest these days no one appreciates an honest person. Its what I can gain from you if I marry you.
Brother Logical,
You seem to have an ongoing theme in your comments referring to women seeking lavish lifestyles from men. I am not disputing that some women do that, but you have written that it is very rare occurence that women will respect a man for good character. Perhaps a man with good character would put significant efforts forth to financially take care of his family so that these two things become indistinguishable.
Indirectly you seem to be shedding negative light on the idea if a woman looks for a man who will be financially stable when it is her right. And since you hinted towards reality, the reality is that there are plenty of Muslim women who earn a living to help support their husbands even though they do not have to. So, yes, on one end you have gold-diggers and on the other end you have some women who are bread-winners in their marriages (not always by choice) and in the middle you have a mixture--but to clump the majority of women on one end of the spectrum is what I was objecting to (just to make it clear).
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A person with good character might put good efforts to bring financial stability but there is no guaranty that he will be successful . Some people ,a lot of people slog like anything but still struggle to earn more money .There are lot of factors for success like the situation , capability ,cleverness ,street smartness and most important DESTINY
Yes , I agree there are many women who are earning to support the family with by choice or no choice .Some might be main bread-winners ,or less than or equal contributors due to husband's insufficient income .And How many such women will love or trust such husbands ?? To be realistic very few .
Even if husband is honest ,pious ,hardworking he will not get good respect or love from wife .
Most of women who claim they will be happy with just pious ,honest and sincere nature of husband and money is not an big issue to them are just theoretical type .
So my point remains the same , RARE occurrence .
I fully agree with you Logical, man is not a bank account for his wife.. nor the family of her wife.. and i do not agree that if a woman work and have money she is not oblige to spend.. then if she is not oblige to spen why she have to marry n have a family? Why the husband only need to oblige? People are taking verse from the quran and interpretate it in their own advantage.. there are no verse stated that man are oblige and woman are not.. to get a better understand of the context 2.233 from quran, just not copy paste.. but translate it words to words and you will see the difference and there are many way to interprete it.. islam is not about follow and follow.. but it is all about trying to understand the real meaning.. by yourself rather than just follow a translation.. the source is much more important than a translation. Using logic & common sense also is very important..
Thanks
Taking your comment out of the context of the post, I would like to warn you that if you follow Islam in this way, you are sure to find yourself astray. Don't be surprised if that happens, or correct yourself right away.
Quran is not understood as you want to, we don;t read and interpret the meanings ourselves. We need the understandings of the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam and his Sahaabah Radiyallahu Anhum, and their followers to know the meanings of the verses of the Quran; not by the way you have suggested (by yourself rather than just follow a translation).
Of course, many translations are erroneous, so we should be selective, but then who will tell you what is correct and what is not? Not yourself of course. We need to know what the scholars say abut verses of the Quran, before passing our judgement.
The verse that says that a man is the provider, literally means that the man is the provider and in Islam, a woman is NOT NEEDED to work. She enjoys the privilege of staying home, and using the earnings of her husband (of course, as much as needed).
Saying "man is not a bank account for his wife" is totally wrong. In fact, it is the responsibility of the man to provide what he can afford to his wife and his children.
Islam is about following...following the Quran and the Sunnah, through the understanding of the Sahaabah and their followers; if you don't follow then you remain where you are or reach a destination that is not correct, while you are unaware.
Again, this is a reply to YOU, not necessarily in context of this post.
May Allah Enable you and me to understand the deen, as it is supposed to be understood.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
JazakAllah Khair Br. Abu Abdul Bari.
Brother Uzair ,
I fear you should not misunderstood my post to some thing else .
By default a Husband is responsible for all financial expenses and women earning and spending is optional .
Please refer to below IslammQA link to get clear answer for similar query
http://islamqa.info/en/103422
Allah hafiz
Brother, this is the point. The way you are writing things is misleading not just to br. Uzair, but others too.
No .This is not the point .
My point is still the same .Very rare women will love or respect a man who has good character and values but no Money(not so rich to provide luxury in life) .This is the reality of people . I am talking about reality in this world and not misguiding any one .You are writing some thing which is very much theoretical in this world but hard to get in real life .Be good Muslim and also be realistic in this world .
Brother Logical,
You are incorrect. It is not rare at all. I could say men not taking advantage of their wifes income are rare, I could say men being happy with their wife not being able to cook properly is rare, and the list can go on.
There are so many different types of people in this world. You cant label most women as gold diggers. You may have experienced some women like that but that does not make it rare.
Many women would be happy with a man who full fills his responsibility. A man who yearns to provide for his family's BASIC NECESSITIES, food, shelter and clothing. This is also part of good character. A lazy man who is not worried about covering the household expenses is not a good person. Its not about how much he earns, its about how much he strives to earn a good living within his capabilities and circumstances. I respect men who work long hours to provide the basic food and clothes for their family as oppose to men who have easy money coming in from dads business and they only go in the office once a week! Its the difference between a lazy person and a hardworking person.
In a healthy marriage a man would HAPPILY strive to work as hard as he can to provide for his family and a women would happily strive to cook the best food for her husband and take care of the kids. She would not pressure the husband beyond his capabilities, and neither would he pressure her beyond her capabilities.They would happily help each other out to make a successful family entrusted with love and mercy.
Where family responsibilities become a burden then the marriage goes downhill.
There are many women who also work on the side to buy their own clothes and toiletries or little luxuries above the basic needs, so as not to burden the husband.
For some women if luxuries are important they usually look for a rich husband who can readily provide that lifestyle. They don't marry a poor guy expecting him to be rich overnight! Just as a man who wants a pretty wife will not marry an unattractive women expecting her to suddenly change into a beautiful swan after marriage.
But I agree physical appearance and wealth are all material things which some people highly value even more then character sadly.( Men and women)
Logical: Some might be main bread-winners ,or less than or equal contributors due to husband’s insufficient income .And How many such women will love or trust such husbands ?? To be realistic very few .
Love and trust has little to do with money. It is very hard to judge character of any one. People who look very pious tend to committ sins like every one else.
Lot of times people go for looks when they are looking for a spouse, other things become secondary