Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I marry him?

Love, marriage and virginity

Salam everyone.

I wanted some advice on whether I should marry my first cousin from Pakistan, he is a very well educated and sensible boy and him and my mum have quite a good relationship. I would like to share my experiences with you guys....

In Spring 2011, I was in Pakistan because we went to get our aunty married. After my aunty's wedding (I was 16) I then went to see my cousin's wedding. That cousin was his brother (the one I want to marry). Anyway, at this wedding my cousin (the one I want to marry) was the cameraman.....little did I know that the camera was on me most of the time rather than the bride until I caught sight of him. Then I realised that my videos were being made more than anyone else's, and many of my cousins have told me that I was seen in the video a lot (have not seen video, and he was 21 then)....

Anyway, I kind of began to develop feelings for him but just ignored it. However, when I went Pakistan again in 2014, I saw lots of events linked to him.....such as blatantly staring (I am 20 and he is 25) and doing favours for me such as helping me when my brother was crying and looking for his lost hat. I also noticed that his voice tone changed when he spoke to me....I then began to realise I was in love with him all along but had ignored my feelings....

My mum recently became close to him and they talk a lot through whatsapp and viber which is good. My mum has also asked if I have any feelings for him and if I wanted to marry him so I said yes. She is still yet to ask him and the whole idea makes me a bit nervous. I know he has got a very good job and knows a great deal about Islam and the world....please do get back to me with responses soon jzk......

henna786


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12 Responses »

  1. I don't know what country you live in, but I think there are a number of issues you may want to think about:

    1. He may be interested in you for immigration purposes.

    2. This is your first cousin. Genetically, he is very similar to your brother. This may cause problems if you have kids with him. If you wish to marry a Pakistani, there are lots of Pakistani men out there who are not related to you.

    3. Your mom has gotten to know this boy through whatssapp and viber. Sister, those are not "normal" methods of communicating. They are abbreviated, "small message systems". You cannot get to know someone digitally.

    4. I am a bit uneasy with all the "blatantly staring" and taking videos of you when it was his brother who was getting married. But if your family is ok with that, then who am I to judge?

    Those are just my thoughts. At the end of the day, it is pretty hard to know someone if they are living in another country. Its not like he lives a few kilometers away from you.

  2. You got nothing to worry about it.
    Leave it to your mum inshAllah it will happen. Seems he too likes you and your mum should make it offical for you both. All the best inshAllah.

  3. OP: My mum recently became close to him and they talk a lot through whatsapp and viber which is good... My mum has also asked if I have any feelings for him and if I wanted to marry him so I said yes. She is still yet to ask him ..

    What is good about your mum talking to a 25 year old young man?....How often they talk and for how long?.

    • Istaghfurallah.. Why are your thoughts and comments always so impure?! He may be her nephew and if that's the case then there is nothing wrong with them talking even if it's for 10 hours a day every day.

  4. W alaykum alsalam sister,

    If you have feelings for your cousin & he does too, then leave it for the elders to inshaAllah arrange your marriage to him. However, I suggest you consider the practicality of the situation, such as him being so closely related to you, the issues it may cause between families & also where you will live.

  5. Assalam alaikum,

    There are so many girls in Pakistan that are unmarried--there is ample opportunity for your cousin to find a girl and get married. What makes him attracted to you? It could be genuine or it could be your nationality. Once you get married you can certainly find out, but at the same time, it could take a turn for the worse.

    You and your cousin don't love each other--you have strong physical attraction--which shouldn't be looked at alone when considering marriage. You have to consider:
    -where will you live after marriage?
    -if you live in Pakistan, will you be able to adjust to the lifestyle and circumstances there?
    -if he comes to the UK, who will be paying for sponsorship and how will that be arranged?
    -how will he earn?

    Finances are not romantic to talk about, but they are the practicality of life which can't be ignored. A person can be physically attracted to many different people potentially--so, do not make your choice on this alone as it seems to be that you are. Keep in mind that marrying your cousin, everything in the family is known and aside from the health issues, there are a lot of family problems that can occur--and they usually begin right after marriage conveniently! not before.

    Finally, your story of girl from abroad visiting Pakistan and falling in love with a cousin or cousin falling in love with her isn't that uncommon at all--sometimes, unfortunately these are planned out for ulterior motives. I am sorry to be blunt like this, and this is just my opinion--I could be completely wrong--I just wanted to point out the worst that you have to consider.

    I pray that whatever you choose that inn shaa Allah, it will be the best for you. May Allah swt help you towards the best decision, Ameen.

    • cousins are not brother so i dont agree with you

      • Well, I agree with you--cousins are not brothers--but they are similar. One can marry their cousin, but in Pakistan it is practiced like it is essential to do so.

        • @saba these days in Pakistan marrying cousins is no longer essential or practiced as it used to be.

          I however do think it depends on the family not all families want to marry each other. I think pakistan is moving forward in a good way and people are looking outside the box which to me is a better option.

          • It is true that some families are looking outside the family, but if you take a look at how many posts are about marrying cousins on this site alone, it is predominantly from people in the Indian subcontinent.

            Even in my own family it is like this. Among some friends they are marrying cousins with cousins and then from the next generation it is repeating. And then there are the same reoccurring family health problems that are repeating like cystic fibrosis, thalassaemia, etc. See below.

            http://news.bbc.co.uk/today/hi/today/newsid_9714000/9714582.stm
            http://nation.com.pk/national/03-Oct-2011/Cousin-marriages-major-cause-in-thalassaemia-spread

            And goodness forbid one mentions it to someone, they then say that you have no Taqwa and that illness is from Allah swt. So when I say that it is practiced in Pakistan like it is essential--yes, it is practiced that way there, but not by all and in comparison to other parts of the world, I would say that Pakistan and India win in the statistics department on this one. Cousin marriages has become a way of getting family members foreign nationality and keeping the wealth in the family--I'm just saying that that is what I have observed.

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