Can I stay longer with my parents, against my husband’s approval?
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Salam alaikum,
I seek advice on a topic which I question because of the circumstances around it. I know I should not leave my husband's home without his permission, especially being pregnant. My doubt lies in whether or not it can be justified due to the situation.
It's important to me to follow Allah's will. I'm afraid to stray from the path He's intended for me. However, the situation I find myself is often unbearably stressful and lonely with merely a few calm patches.
My husband works abroad and spends more time away than he does at home. Often when he is here, there is another man that he works with staying in our home as well which gives us little privacy in the few moments we have together. I'm not someone who can't be alone, far from it. So to say that I have gotten to the point where depression is sinking in from the loneliness, is saying a lot.
My parents live overseas. I've been in this new country, (we were living in another foreign country for a couple of years where I had some friends,) for about a year and a half. I don't have anyone here that I can really rely on or trust. It's difficult to meet people and when you do, they of course have their own lives. We live in a very individualistic society in the west. There is also a language barrier.
I spend the majority of my time alone. I've even found myself in scary situations with no one to turn to and a husband that's away and doesn't take them seriously. I feared getting pregnant because of this situation where I myself feel so insecure and so unhappy. Now, this has become a reality. I'm alone, pregnant, with a language barrier, a mentally-ill neighbor that periodically harasses me, no friends, and a husband that's almost always away (among many other problems).
I don't want to be alone anymore especially with this pregnancy, but I understand my husband must work. He will only allow me to go back to my country for 2-3 months and he says I have to come back (at that point, I'll be 6 months pregnant, I don't know if I'd even be able to travel.) I know I'll only return to the same stressful situation. He says then right after the baby is born I can go back for as long as I want. I know I won't be able to travel with a newborn, I'd have to wait at least 3 months. Those 3 months will be the most difficult, and I know I'll be alone and stressed.
Not to mention, our tumultuous relationship. Not only is he lack of support, he's the contrary. He's insensitive and mean. He's emotionally abusive. He tells people he loves me so I don't understand why he watches me suffer so intensely. I was having some strange symptoms that can sometimes be associated with miscarriage and was so worried. I told him and he said "what do you want me to do about it?"
He says I'm exaggerating and that I'm not the only woman in the world who is pregnant. He's completely missing the point. I don't think that I'm the only one in the world who is pregnant, but I believe I deserve not to be left alone, that I deserve to be in a calm situation. Right before my first ultrasound, he stressed me out so intensely coming after me and nit-picking why did you do this, why didn't you do that, then using profanities at me, that I broke down. He told me I was crazy and to get out of the car in the middle of the main road. So, I did.
I walked to my ultrasound- alone and sobbing. So afraid of what all this stress was doing to my poor, unborn child. I finally decided I would have to go where I would have tranquility and support for mine and my baby's sake. These early months are crucial for development and Allah forgive me but I just think me and the baby are more important right now than my husband's desire to be there for the birth.
Of course I want my husband there but isn't being a parent all about doing what's best for the child? He admits it's not fair to me to force me to be alone during pregnancy, but he forbids me to spend more than 2-3 months with my family any way. He wants to be absent for everything but the birth and expect me to be okay with that. It's about more than just the birth!
Things will only get more difficult after! Who will be there for me? Who will help me communicate with doctors if my baby gets sick? No one! This is no life, how can my baby be okay if I'm not? I want to take a change in course and bring my husband back to my country but he's so wrapped up in what he's doing like usual that he doesn't want to think about it right now. I've sacrificed so much, I just think it's mine and the baby's turn to focus on what we need, and not just what he needs.
Speaking of him being so concentrated on his needs and not mine, he even wanted to move me to yet another new country where I know absolutely no one, have not job, no nothing while pregnant! I said, sorry but no. That's not okay to do to me again, especially now. I have no sense of security or tranquility. I don't ever feel at home, in a constant state of limbo. How long can this go on?
Let's make it clear too, that I work and help when I can and the reason he has to be away so much is because he's making haram money even though I've really tried to get him to change his ways and get a regular job. Something more stable, and he could be around. He won't.
There is so much more to our story too but there is only so much I can say here. I'm exhausted,unhappy, extremely lonely and depression is setting in and I have a baby on the way and zero support from a husband I barely see.
Is there a sin on my part for staying longer than 2-3 months for the sake of my sanity and for the well-being of my baby? I would have to stay until the baby is at least 3 months old before coming back for a visit.
I have done Istikhara, and will continue to do it. For now, I have permission to go for 2-3 months, so that's what I'll do. What next?
I'm in so much pain and distress and want a calm environment for my growing baby. What should I do?
- springflower
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Salaams,
I personally feel it is unreasonable for a husband to expect a wife to stay alone in a particular location if he is not there with her, and she has no friends or family there. The fact that you are pregnant means that you should be able to have any support that you need in case anything medically goes wrong, which it doesn't sound like you have. Your husband - if he was looking at things from a reasonable perspective- would either bring you with him and put you up somewhere wherever he is working, or let you stay with your family and then take you away to a separate location when he is not working somewhere local to them.
You added that he is emotionally abusive, and that's not a good thing either. It sounds like you're more worried about the punishment of "disobeying him" than what makes logical sense in this situation.
If I were you, I would look at it like the needs of the baby (even though it's not yet born) take precedence. If you feel you are more at ease with your family while you finish you pregnancy, and that they would be helpful to you more than you would have alone after the baby is born, then that's the direction you should follow. Your husband should be respected and obeyed, but he also has the responsibility of doing what is in your best interest as well as that of his child, which he seems to be overlooking at this point. I feel if he's not going to take that responsibility, as the mother you are the next one who must.
In the meantime, I think it needs to be made clear to your husband that the current living arrangements are cheating you out of a true marriage and some serious adjustments have to be made. If he doesn't seem open to that or flexible in any way, it's up to you to decide whether you can live peacefully and raise your child in the environment he's willing to offer you or not.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I second what sister Amy has said--not to mention that it is completely unreasonable for him to allow another man to live in the same house as the both of you--If it were a friend visiting once, that's one thing--but it sounded like a regular practice which is highly inappropriate.
I agree I feel so bad for you. Honestly if that was me I would be scare of staying all by myself. With no friends/ family. Insallah it will get better for you afther you have your baby you will be so busy you won't think to much. He/she will keep you company because kids change your life now that I love a 2 year old I'm never bored.
Assalamu'alaikum sister,
I agree with sister Amy in what she said. In addition, there is another reason you should not listen to your husband. You said he makes haraam money; does he deal in interest? Does he gamble or something? You can ask him to stop it and change his work to a halaal option before you can return to him. You will be using the money he earns which is haraam for him and his family to use.
Ask him to repent from his haraam ways and choose a halaal business so that there is barakah in his money and so that he is not held accountable in Allah's Court.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I'm so glad someone emphasized the haram money issue! In this day and age, it's like Muslims don't even care where their money come from - where I live, certain nationalities of Muslims are known to sell alcohol and pornographic movies and magazines in their shops and restaurants...unbelieveable. Men just want to make easy and bulk loads of money in a hurry, while wives act all ditzy, stupid, non-aware and blonde, like they have no part of their husbands' haram businesses - even when the wives spend the haram money. Girls, tell your husbands to STOP making money from what is clearly HARAM! There seriously aren't ANY barakah in such money, as brother Abu Adbul Bari says! I know of sooo many examples of people with haram money who just...aren't getting any enjoyment out of them, whatsoever. So why do it?
Thank you all. I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to come back and see your responses. I appreciate all of them. I've spent the last 3.5 months away from my husband and the baby is due in only 2 more months. We had a beautiful first week back together before the trouble started again. Not only is he ready for another trip away (he didn't taken full advantage of working while I was gone like I expected, now I'm back and he's behind on rent and has no money....and the last time the rent was paid, I paid the majority of it,) but he's back to the emotional abuse. Everything was going fine until my mentally-ill neighbor that I mentioned before started yelling at me and pointing her finger in my face for no reason again, I went about my day and told my husband when he got home. He got angry at me for not going to the police right away and starting yelling at me and banging things around. We haven't spoken all day since then. I have no patience for it anymore. I came back here after a few months of being happy with my parents and family abroad and therapy sessions with a counselor feeling strong and ready for anything. Now my well-being is being threatened once again but my own husband. On the whole, I know in my heart that I am better off without him. But I committed to him and I'm afraid by committing a sin in response tho his sins and injustices, I will lose myself spiritually. An Imam advised me to stay with him, keep telling him to get on the correct path and that I will be rewarded. On top of it, as much as I know my husband is wrong, he has a way of putting me in the wrong and making me feel guilty. And this happens no matter how smart I think I am, it continues to happen. I don't know what to do. I'm stuck in a cycle, back to the same old misery. It's as if he is trying so hard to be good but he just can't. His meanness prevails over his goodness.
By the way, the haram money is worse than what you think, he's stealing outright, for a living. It undoes me and I've consulted an Imam about it who said....stay with him. Counsel him. Don't commit a sin by leaving him. You won't be punished for his involvement in this dirty business. This response caught me off guard, but I followed the advice. Must I endure this for my whole life? Doesn't it count for something that it will absolutely affect my children, directly and indirectly?