Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Struggling with an unhappy marriage and considering divorce

eman dua despair faith

I really hope I am able to recieve some words of wisdom soon. I am in a lot of emotional turmoil. I got married last year, over the course of the marriage I realised that my husband has a bad habit of lying. He lied about owning the property we were living, his financial situation, going on business trips and lying about them and the most recent thing lying about a business trip which was pleasure only (his family were in on this!) where he cheated on me, committed zina etc. The above is just an apex of the things he has done wrong. He generally loves to look at other women even in my presence, has non Muslim friends who have bad morals. He has no respect for me at all. Unfortunately I saw his true colours after the marriage. Furthermore whilst on the honeymoon he made me withdraw cash as spending money ?? And a few months into the marriage started asking me to pay for dinner when we went out? I'm highly educated and earn a good amount of cash and have no issues paying and offered to pay for the big things eg house, furniture, shopping etc but he came across as quite cheap when he asked me to pay for dinner ??

In addition to this his family are hurtful to me, his mum refusing to give me the house keys, speaking to me disrespectfully, brother telling my husband to send me back to my parents home. And he lets them, it's like they are plotting against me together ?

All of the above obviously led to many arguments, but I tolerated it so that my marriage would work, I thought he was having a rough time being married and just needed to get used to it.

I confronted him about the most recent act of Zina which resulted in him asking me to leave, him disappearing turning his phone off and threatening me with divorce???

Four months have gone by, his family nor him have made any attempts to reconcile, I have told his family about my husband's mistakes and they still don't care, they continue to somehow blame me for it?

My husband in the mean time switches his phone off when it pleases him and talks to me to blame me after I call him? Otherwise he is out and about enjoying himself with his friends? What really hurt is that I told him I was pregnant, and he still didn't care ? He said I was using that as an excuse to manipulate him. I went through a miscarriage and was in alot of pain when I would try to call him for support he would switch his phone off and then call me the next day to say his battery had died ?

I desperately tried to make the marriage work, and prayed that Allah would guide him. But eventually my family decided it was best to get a divorce. I called him before I finalised anything and he suggested counselling , which I was surprised about. However he then repeated the same pattern of behaviour and disappeared with his phone switched off??? And then text me the next day to say he doesn't see a future. He has flip flopped like this many times and it really hurts.

Also his mother in the initial stages kept asking me for dowry? This came as a shock to me, and again it was quite cheap!! She had a problem with me buying bed sheets apparently my mum should be providing them! The funny thing is my mum had bought me plenty for the house but I had nowhere stable to live because my husband couldn't organise a place for us to live, we ended up living in two different hotels after the marriage, then his brothers house, ultimately I moved about 4 times in the span of 4-5 months, which didn't help the relationship!! This was stupidity on mine and my family's part because we trusted he had organised a place to live as there were many months from the engagement till the wedding!!

The only problem he had with me is that I nag, which I do if he has lied because I want to understand why? And apparently I became very angry when I discovered the other woman, which yes I did because it was a disgusting thing for a husband to be doing. And yes I did become upset at other times when he would refused intimacy and had a 101 excuses - tired, doesn't need it as much, not happy (although he was happy enough to do it when he wanted it!), that I'm fat (not true - I'm quite slim and slender!). He deprived me of intimacy and this started very early on in marriage when there were no problems as far as I could see!! But it hurt me and made me feel rejected and frustrated, he would often push me away when I tried to turn him on? It was like he was hurting me on purpose! It was really confusing and hurtful. I spoke to him about it on numerous occasions and said I needed it more, at least twice a week, as a newly wed I don't think that's asking for much !!!!!

oh btw it certianly wasn't an arranged marriage, he chased after me and seemed pretty happy!

Im just so fed up and confused, my family are very angry and are pushing for divorce but I want an independent opinion??

bucks


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183 Responses »

  1. it takes 2 for a marriage to work. both sides need to put in effort otherwise the chances of marriage failing is high. some men are conniving, cheap, deceivers who lie to get what they want, as you said he was the one chasing after you. he got what he wanted now chasing other females. don't put up with it, it needs to stop.

    personally i would say, use this opportunity to leave him. he commits zina yet he doesn't regret what he has done, you suppose to be his one and only yet his loving other women. plus he doesn't care about your feelings, instead his family adding fuel to the fire. don't waste your precious time in making your husband see sense if he is not willing to co-operate.

    also his mother asked you for dowry? the husband pays the bride dowry, seem like your mother in-law is a gold digger. a bigger cheapskate. the husbands role is to provide for you, take care of you, financially, emotionally etc..

    if you have problems early stage of your marriage, what may happen after? sis never delay and be like a door mat were him and his family trample over you while you waiting for a change to happen. you said he threatens you with divorce? no man is his right mind, who loves his wife will ever utter those words.

    peace..

  2. only one answer my sister ..... DIVORCE.

  3. Leave him inshallah. You deserve waaaay better

  4. Assalam alaikum,

    I can understand why your family feel the way that they do and they aren't wrong in feeling that way if this is how your husband treats you. If you husband puts you down, mistreats you, can't afford to take care of your needs, allows his family to mistreat you, continues to shamelessly commit zina with women with no regret, then you have very good reasons for divorce.

    Do Isthikhara, talk with your family and an Imam, listen thoroughly to those around you who know what is going on, make a list of pros and cons and in silence, away from everyone, deep in thought, take a decision. You said you are an educated woman, I think when you put your emotions aside, and see the situation for what it is, no confusion would be left. Knowing what you know, would you accept the life you are living for any loved one?

    May Allah help you to make the best decision for your future, Ameen.

  5. He cheated on you sister! Surely that's enough reason to divorce him. Once your husband has committed such an act then expect many more affairs. No woman deserves to be treated like that & he clearly has no respect for you. Other thing is that it is your husbands duty in Islam to provide & support you, not the other way round! He is using you & you deserve much better. Your earnings are your own money & he is not allowed to question it or expect any right to it in Islam. You need to divorce this boy & find yourself a real man! Yes sister there are better men out there & you should find someone who is pious & Allah fearing because those men who practice properly understand the true status of women & will comply with their obligations to satisfy their wife's needs, & vice versa.
    Try not to be disheartened & please don't force yourself to hold down a marriage that will eventually shatter you & your confidence. Before he causes you anymore mental torture, just leave & remember that's not the sort of person you ever want to influence your kids, especially as his family also sound very controlling.

    Goodluck sister, don't ignore your instincts, it will be hard but this is a test & you just need to come out of this stronger inshallah

  6. Sister,

    You deserve a better life. This man will only drag you down with him. If you haven't packed your bags at this point, you should.

    Salam

  7. Jzk all for ur advice. I did try to patch things up and when he initially disappeared whilst I went to work - I did go back after a few days when I managed to control my emotions, I had no idea where he was at this point because he had closed all avenues of communications with him at this point, despite me leaving a tonne of voicemails and messages asking him to call me I was panicked ! I found his mum at home - she was living with us, I tried to talk to her but she left a few minutes after I came, said she was going out for fresh air. She didn't return until late at night and then left before I woke up the next morning purposely avoiding talking to me ? I found this very offensive and disheartening. My brother had come to drop me off, he met her outside and greeted her and was polite to her and advised involvement of an imam but all she had to say was we should get the lawyers and get these two divorced asap. I found this all very disheartening and offensive. Not once did she try to help us reconcile or resolve our issues, and advised my husband to leave me, as did the rest of the family. And they worked together behind my back to break my marriage - they didn't like me at all, and it seems my hsuband was jn on it too. I don't understand where i went wrong. Their behaviour and my husbands behaviour has shattered my confidence. I feel guilty because I feel like I have done something wrong. whenevr I have tried to speak to my husband about the other woman he tries to dismiss it, or becomes angry about it. Denies evrythjng but his story about her has changed so many times. It started off with her being just a friend, then she became a professional receuitment agent who was trying to help him find a job. Then he said she was just flirting with him because she fancied him but he didn't etc. But when I spoke to her she told me that she didn't know he was married, he had told her that he was divorced. He also back bited about me and the stuff she mentioned she could've only known if he had told her, it was fairly personal to me. When I confronted him about this he said he was talking about our culture and denied saying anything to her. I've seen picture of them together on facebook, no one professional would take pictures with a client to put on facebook. He also went to party's with her whilst he was away. And ultimatly despite me begging him to call her in front of me to prove me wrong or even if he had made a mistake to just call her and tell her never to contact him again because he was trying to work things out with me. But he never did this, the first thing he did was bruise my arms in a desperate attempt to snatch the phone from me on the night I saw the flirty text from her and confronted him about it. He wouldn't call her in front of me despite me begging and pleading him. In fact he first thing he did was block and delete her number, not only this but he also deleted the entire application he was using to communicate with her ! This made me doubt him even more !!! Also on the same night I attempted to go thru his email, and I saw the same message copied and pasted to girls - who I have no idea who they are - where he was asking them how they are, wishing them a good Xmas etc and that when he thought of them it made him smile and that they should meet up. I don't think they replied but I'm not sure, I questioned him about his too and he said they were just friends - but I felt the contact of the message was inappropriate and also why didn't I know about these friends - he had sent me these messages about 3 months into the marriage so why didn't he mention these girls to me, how come we didn't make plans to meet them together ? Why was the thought of them making him smile???? He didn't satisfy me with his answes and i continued to feel more and more upset. But when I decided to leave he stopped me. I stayed that Night and calmed down decided to forgive and just discuss things when we were both calmer . The next day I went to work, thinking we were going to work things out - he dropped me off to work as I wasn't able to turn the steering wheel because of my bruises ( we had become physical both of us - He slapped my face I did the same to him) of course I wasn't as powerful as him but def tried to physically express my anger at that point I couldn't tolerate the thougt of another woman and despite me asking him to he did not even attempt to prove me wrong, I was not satisfied with his answers I knew he was lying. I feel ashamed of being physical at this point but I didn't do him any real harm he was too powerful for me, it was mainly holding his hand but unknowingly I held his hands really tight to stop him escaping and trying to get him to desperately tell me the truth, but doing this left my nail imprints on his hand - I feel unbelievably guilty about this, I was also bruised by him big massive bruises on my arms. This was the second time I had held his hands tigjt enough to cause nail imprints - the first time was when he had lied to me about going on a business trip with a family member when in fact he had gone alone - and this was a few months into the marriage. I was hurt when I found out I couldn't comprehend why he had lied about this, when I asked him and he finally admitted it he was very aggressive verbally and said to me it was because he didn't want to take me? I was so hurt, I honestly hadn't done anything at this point to make him do this ? I couldn't understand it. I cried but he didn't care, he wanted to leave the house but I ran after him and tried to get him to stay home I wanted answers - he was too powerful for me and kept pushing me away. I remember doing this a few times when he there was an argument he would try to escape rather than come to a solution or reassure me, if I cried he wouldn't care he would want to escape. If I tried to stop him he would push me physically so that I would either land on the floor or the couch, once he held me so tight on my arms that he left his finger imprints it hurt.

    Most of our arguments were either because I was upset he hadn't organised a proper place for us to live, I wanted my own place to live but he denied to give me this , I had asked to live seperately with him without his mum just for the first year ( as his mum had given me reasons not to trust her, Icould sense she didn't like me) but all of this has been agreed before the marriage but he refused to acknowledge my concerns. I was Financislly better off than him so offered my savings to help buy a nice house for us. I realised that he didn't want to leave his mum so I said that as long as it's our own home ur mum is more than welcome to stay with us and we would take care of her, it's just that I had no intention of living in a house owned by his brother I wanted it to be our own home and this was something I had asked for months before the marriage and he had agreed. Or the arguments were because he had lied about somthing, was neglecting me in bed ( despite me asking him nicely he still wouldn't give me the attention I needed sexually - and this would frustrate me, he always had a million excuses). Anyway despite all this, I would forget and try to move on but deep down I was hurt, I felt rejected, I didn't feel any appreciation, but I didn't feel this way before I married him, he was good to me.
    His family
    Said things about me or to me that I didn't like, i found them rude and insensitive. When I asked my husbnd if we could live by ourselves as discussed for our first year of marriage, he said I could divorce him if I didn't want to live with his mum and go back to my parents home? I was so hurt, and this made me resent his mum complelty. I decided there was no point talking about living arrangements at this point because he didn't care and I didn't want a divorce. So we moved into a house owned by his brother with his mum, this must've been the 5th or 6th move in about 6 months of marriage. The house we moved into was being redecorated there were builders in and out of the house, dust and dirt all over the place, nowhere to sit. I had asked him months before moving if we could stay where we were staying until it was ready to move into the other house- again he broke this promise too, we were thrown out of the current house ( which was also his brothers ) because they had new tenants moving in lol,
    Most of the time we were living in this house there were builders and painters in and out of the house trying to renovate it form the new tenants ! This would upset me, if all this effort was being put into renovating the houses ready for tenants to move in and the second house being ready for his mum to move into then why wasn't the same effort made for me to move into after the marriage ? How come he hadn't organised a proper place for me to move to, or even just a room ? Why was I not valued enough? When his mum moved to the area she was not made to live somewhere she didn't want to, she was given a house because she needed security, this is what I was told. She was not made to live somewhere she didn't want to, so how come when I asked for security because I realised by this point that my husband didn't value me enougn to provide a stable place for me
    To stay, I wanted to invest in my own home and was willing to contribute to it financially he denied me this? My family offered to help out too. Ultimatly I said lets at least buy a place for investment if he didn't want to move into it just yet - the reason I said this was incase we had to leave this current house which didn't belong to us, I wanted some form for stability and a place for my children when we decided to have them.

    Anyway, none of my needs were met when I realised he didn't really care what I wanted I gave up. I lived in the house with him and his mum, his mum was a nightmare to live with. I mean she refused to give me the keys to my own home whilst my husband was away lol so I had to wait for her to be home before I could go in! She barely communicated with me. Had issues with my friend coming over to study for a major exam I had coming up etc etc by this point I did not feel valued, nor appreciated. But I didn't want my
    Marriage to break. I realised that the more
    I nagged my husband the less he listened, I turned a blind eye to evrythjng and my
    Family did the same. I stopped nagging my husband at all, gave him his space like he would always ask me to - this would only offend me initially because I didn't expect newly weds to want so much space apart - I loved him a lot so wanted to spend time with him, get to know one another ,love and focus on each other but the more time I spent with him the less he seemed to like me.

    I know I have been rambling on, but I don't know if the reason my marrisge is failing js my fault ? Could I have been more patient, should I have turned a blind eye to things that happened earlier eg living arrangements, lying etc and remained Patient or been more tactful about trying to work things out.
    I never got my family involved because I loved him and didn't want anyone to think badly of him, but he would always go behind my
    Back and tell my
    Brother and his family about our arguments which I found hurtful. He would pretend all was well until I would recieve a phone call from my brother trying to solve my problems for me because my husband had gone behind my back and presented a biased issue to him. I found this highly embarrassing and asked my husband multiple times not to do this or if he was going to then to let me know about it!

    I just feel really confused, obviously I have missed out details there's too much to write but why do infeel so hurt and gulity ? Did I contribute to the break up of this marriage . I know I'm not perfect I have apologised to my husband multiple times, and stood by him through evrythjng I didn't leave his side at all, until he gave me no choice and pushed me away. He ran away multiple
    Times like a coward, each time without my knowledge, his phone switched off with no idea of where he was. His family wouldn't tell me either in fact they would vanish too, wouldn't answr my calls etc. And the entire time I was at my parents house because that's what my husband told me to do there was no communication from them at all. I went back about three times during the separation with the excuse of collecting my essentials but there was no communication from them nor any attempt to ask me to stay or discuss things. My husbnd and in fact the entire family were home one time i turned up uninvited basically so they wouldn't disappear.

    I know I argued and perhaps nagged about certian things but it's because my husband just wouldn't discuss things with me, he was dismissive or avoidant. I didn't understand what he Ws thinking, but other than this I don't understand what I have done wrong. I've compromised a heck of a lot, I tried my best despite my frustrations to keep the marriage intact but I can't help but think that the entire time I was doing this and falling more and more in love with him, he and his family were developing hatred for me and making plans to get rid of me, and hence why he didn't bother for us to buy a place together. In fact I do remember him saying that he had the means to buy a place to live but didn't want to becsue he wasn't sure if he was going to divorce me? I was so hurt that he was thinking this. Why didn't he discuss this with me, surely I deserved to know what he was thinking and he should so have taken note of my concerns instead of ignoring them.

    I don't know if there is something wrong with me why else would someone hate me so much. I can't help but think that maybe I'm ugly I feel ugly but I know that I'm not or am I? I don't understand i seriously just want my life to end becsus I can't make sense of why he has done this? Why he didn't even attmept to formulate any solutions, why he persistently blames me and doesn't acknowledge his own mistakes.
    Even if I havemade mistakes I have apologised so much, and have shown him that this marriage is important and I will put my all into it. I feel so sad. Have I contributed to the end of thjs marrisge have I pushed him to this point - im so confused and hurt. I'm tired.

  8. I feel really sad coukd this all have been my fault ??? Any communication I had when he left
    I apologised I tried to discuss things, I tried not to bring up the other woman ( I don't tjnk he is communicating with her anymore ). He would flip flop so much. I would get mt hopes up onlt to hear him then say he doesn't want the marriage, or to switch his phone off and disappear again.

    He wasnt like this before marrisge he only started changing afterwards, but Did I push him to this stage. I'm so worried that im presenting a biased view of him, I wanted to sit down and speak to him about our issues but he never wanted to do this. We met a few times during the seperation when he wanted to this would get my hopes up and then he would flip flop again and it would hurt. What have I done wrong ? I can't make sense of anything.

    He would still communicate with me on and off, mainly
    Me calling him, until recently when he hung up on me because I started asking him about the other woman again i cried because it hurts. He said he had no intrest in the marriahe so i told him to file for
    Divorce then and get it over and done with it. It's been two weeks since then and I have no idea what he is doing and if he has filed im so worried. He hung up on me and I left him so many voicemails crying my eyes out I panicked because he swriched his ohone off. He ohone has now been on but he hasn't bothered to contsct me at all.

    Is this all my fault I cant
    Make sense of anything.

    Why is this happening tomne, theres something wrong with me

  9. Assalaamualaikam

    This situation is not your fault. When we look back at things that have happened in our lives, we may think "I could have done that bit differently" or "what if this had happened instead?", but such thoughts don't mean we are to blame. This guy has treated you unjustly - including being unfaithful - and doesn't seem interested in addressing the things he has done wrong. These are things that he has made a choice to do and not do, so he is accountable for his actions. No matter what problems the two of you were having, there's no justification for committing a major sin.

    Honestly, it sounds like you'd be better off without him in your life. That way you can inshaAllah move on and find a husband of good character who will treat you with respect. I'd advise you to get a lawyer, to ensure that your legal rights are respected. If he hasn't filed for divorce, you may want to think about filing yourself - that way you can clearly state your grounds for wanting the divorce and avoid this " will he, won't he?" doubt.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  10. First of all, it never suits anyone to chase after someone who has cheated on her or him. Like, on top of your husband betraying your trust, you are also the one to desperately run after him? No. Stop doing that if you have an ounce of respect for yourself.

    I don't know what you are so confused about. This man and his family clearly don't want this marriage. What IS there to do when one part of a marriage doesn't want it? There's no other thing to do than to sign the divorce papers and move on.

  11. Leylani, he denies anything between him and this woman and he blames me for the marital break up, but I don't understand exactly what I have done that was bad enougnt to end the marriage. I have stopped chasing him the last time he hung up on me for no good reason and then swriched his phone because be knows I hate this, and it hurt me. If I could understand why he wants the divorce and if he could just talk to me about any issues it would make it easier, but I can't accept divorce without trying to sort out the issues. I'm finding it really difficult I don't understand it, it doesn't make any sense.

    • Sister, no offence, but your husband is a liar. Why do you need him to admit to his faults and sins when the proofs are right there in front of you? Facts overrule lies and a liar's denial. This man is a delusional fool, most likely you'll never get an admision out of him. Please do yourself your life's greatest favour and don't depend on any action on his part to allow yourself to move on with your life. I understand it's very difficult to let go of someone or something when you feel like there are lots of unanswered questions. But sometimes, that's just how things are.

      By the way, I don't think anyone of us who look at your situation from the outside see where YOU have done anything wrong. You are not the one who have cheated, lied about who you are and what you have, you are not the one who has turned your entire family against him, you are not the one who manipualtes him and blames him for your wrongdoings. Your husband is playing with your mind, because he knows he can and has some kind of power over you. He has managed to make you believe you drove him to be the lousy, lying, no-good husband that he is. Reality is, no one is driven to be like that, it's how a person is by nature. Just look at his family and it's clear it's in his upbringing and habit to be a liar, abuser and manipulator. Please, please don't take your husband's blames on you to heart. It's the classic thing for an abuser to do: to make teh victim feel like she has done something to deserve the maltreatment, or that she has done something to push him to do what he does. That's just simply not reality.

    • Dear Sister Bucks,

      I believe you are in denial.

      You are in an abusive relationship. It will only get worse with time.

      Having seen quite a few women in almost the exact same situation as yours, I noticed that, almost word for word, you say things that show you have not accepted the reality of what is happening and you are taking ownership for his misdeeds as if you are responsible for your behaviour and his. In all of the relationships that I saw, similar to yours, it got really bad before the women finally put thier foot down and ended things.

      You keep saying you are confused. I don't believe you are confused, but rather, you so desperately want it to work out that you are willing to dismiss how difficult and abusive your marriage has become. Dear Sister, you are in denial. You don't have an in-law problem, you have an abusive husband problem who can't protect you from himself, how would he protect you from anyone else?

      Would you accept these circumstances for a sister or a daughter?

      Please go see a counsellor as your safety is in jeopardy, not just because of him, but because you are really struggling with accepting what has happened. I pray that life becomes easier and that you overcome these hurdles, Ameen.

      • Saba this is so true and I think denial is what keeps women in horribly abusive situations. I have struggled with this is well. Woman want their marriage to work and the reality is hard to face. But it is better to face the reality and stop being in denial early before it is harder to get out and more damage is done to oneself or one's future children.

        • I second sister Saba on this.

          The key player now is you sister Bucks. It's not easy but only you can now put an end to the abuse you're suffering. Your husband knows how you feel; it is just that he simply does not care.

          I think you're mind is fretting about what you may have done wrong, what could have been, why his phone is switched off, what the family in law are doing etc. Anything not to accept the reality or see him for who he is. I've been there. I know the feeling. What made it stop? Accepting he IS the man who hurts, abuses and leaves me desperately confused and sad. He is the man who is unable to be a husband despite all his promises. And deciding to leave him all together.

          Sister you deserve a loving and caring husband. Someone who is honest and who carefully considers your feelings. Someone who respects you as his wife and companion in life. Marriage is a lifelong commitment. Do you think this man has any commitment to you? No. You are precious and should be with someone who loves you.

  12. Sister,

    I have been through the same thing. My ex husband was a liar and also cheated on me by talking to other women as well and even asked for marriage while he was still married to me. I know your going through a lot of pain but you have done nothing wrong. He is dishonest, unfaithful and lied to you many times. These men seem to be the same or have the same character traits. Please do not take the blame for how awful he is treating you. He is very abusive. Get out while you can. Take it in your control and file divorce papers or seek Khula. You deserve better sister. Get out while its not too late. This is not love and you deserve love and respect in marriage. He sounds like a psychopath. These kinds of people are very dangerous. You did nothing wrong and he is the one who should feel shame. I know it hurts but with prayer and Allah you can heal and get over this marriage and you have a family to support you. This husband does not deserve you but has only used you and this says more about how bad he is and it is not you. You seem like a very intelligent woman and you can make a better life without him. Make lots of dua and turn to Allah as well as take action to get him out of your life and you take control. It will not be easy but in the long run you will be better for not accepting this abusive husband who you can never trust as he has lied to you so many times and cheated.

  13. Salaam I hear what everyone is saying and to be honest not one person has told me i am to blame. But I am so frightened that my version of the story is biased depending on my emotions and feelings. I begin to accept that it isn't my fault and that he has played a huge part in this break up but I keep getting this dark cloud come over me and I feel immense guilt. I don't understand whether I have done something wrong, and it drives me mad thinking about it.

    The things I can see that I have done wrong are that I kept questioning him for lying about things or not sticking to his promises. I would often feel rejected as he wasn't intimate with me as often as I had liked especially as a newly wed, and this would cause a lot of tension, but again I felt guilty about asking him for intimacy, I tried to talk to him and explain that I needed it more (this was quite embarassing - but considering I was only asking for it once or twice per week I don't think I was asking for much, but he would only approach me in this way when he wanted it!)

    The arguments grew and grew, and I felt as though I wasn't being taken seriously. I think what I did wrong was to keep questioning him but it's because I didn't feel satisfied with his responses or I would notice a new lie. I feel I should've stayed quiet and maybe slowly tried to change his way of thinking or very subtlety try to ask for things.

    I did try to be as nice as possible when dealing with conflict but slowly the frustration started to build up and I felt more and more distressed leading to more arguments.

    I just really wish that I had somehow avoided any arguments. I know that I haven't made any fundamental errors but I feel as though I pushed him away because of these arguments - eventhough they are valid. Perhaps he found this aspect of me difficult. I was also very emotional in fact most our arguments was actually me crying and trying to seek reassurance from him rather than actually arguing.

    It's just the guilt of arguing, I just wonder if i had been more patient things would have turned out differently.

    I did also show him tonnes of love, he told me once that he had never recieved love at home or outside, and so I wanted to show him alot of love which I did, but he would often say he wanted space - I would find this very frustrating as a newly wed!

    I just feel extremely gulity about any disputes we had, I can't stop blaming myself, to the extent that I feel as though I can't breathe anymore, it makes me panic.

    To this day I have not undergird why his family hate me, they have played a big part in breaking us but is it because he filled their heads with negativity about me?

    The problem is that my heart is soft, I always see good in people, and it's the same with him I keep remembering his good points evebthougn there aren't very many.

    I also feel rejected by him which is hurting me.

    My mind is so confused I can't shake off this guilt eventhough I know that he has made major errors and still blames me, and doesn't really acknowledge anything he has done wrong.

  14. I really miss him and tht thought of it all being over and him not missing me
    Is making me feel rubbish !

    • Sister,

      Anyone reading this can see you are in a lot of pain but you need to stop blaming yourself. You continue to question yourself and wonder, "if I did this", or "maybe if I didn't".Your husband is not a good man. He slept with a woman outside of your marriage and he doesn't even care. His own family don't even care about the situation and have turned against you and for what?! Shame on all of them.

      No one deserves to be cheated on and lied to. Not a man or a woman. Your husband committed zina with another woman and on top of that, he has treated you horribly after the fact. He will not acknowledge his actions and his family are coddling him as if he is a child and turning their backs on you in the process. Is this the kind of people you want to be around? Surely you deserve better?

      Stop allowing this man and his family to continue to make you feel worthless. You are beautiful and special in so many ways. In time, you will grow stronger and you will realize that him leaving you was the best thing that could have ever happened to you. He does not deserve you. He cheated on you and when he tires of the other woman...he will cheat on her as well.

      May Allah give you strength to move forward and peace in your heart with the passage of time.

      Salam

  15. Dear sis,
    I am in the same situation as you. My husband turned out to be a liar and cheat too. His parents brainwashed him against me too. I was unfortunate enough to be cheated on while being pregnant with his daughter. He cheated committed zina and THEN married her when I had my baby. I tried so hard to stay in tbe artiage for my daughter but the other one kept manipulating him. She convinced him to give her a child and he did. Iam heart broke I came to my parents place with my 14 month old daughter and told him to decide whom he wants once and for all. Because even after he married the second one he was still begging me to bear it and as usual he lied and manipulated me. He has beaten me emotionally abused me used all my money.
    What I am trying to say sis is that Allah can only understand our situation and Allah will deliver us justice. Be patient let him go and don't look for answer

    • Don't go looking for answers, you won't get any from him right now. Let him go. And you change all your numbers so if he feels like it and he dials he will not readily have access to you. This has a great impact on these such men. They use our weakness to their advantage. He won't just disappear. He will be back.
      He need to be shown your very much capable and happy without him. Don't cry anymore don't shed your precious tears on him or in front of him. I feel that even these men are a test fromAllah and we are tested with how we handle them and how much patience we show.
      Don't ever think you are at fault because you are not.
      You are educated have a job are financially independent, ifbhe left you, who do you think he knows its his loss if he leaves you but this is just his way of getting away with all his wrong doings.
      So my point being hold yourself back from him, if there's any chance for you le show him your not there anymore for him. You will see some result.
      I wish I could share more with you I feel your pain Iam still in a tough situation too.
      Take care and make duaas to Allah a lot . duaas can change destiny so what's a man's heart. I believe a man can be reformed but it takes a great woman to take up the challenge.
      I have some tasbeeh of Allah's names sis that you should recite for a better life. Iam saying all this from my own experience. I would say your husband is better than mine with how you described him. But hang in there they can change. InshAllah they will. Just ask Allah.

    • I am curious, are you and your husband from the same culture, country? Why you say his parents brainwashed him and the other woman convinced him to get her pregnant? Do you live in a country where polygamy is legal? How did you meet your husband? Did you notice he was a liar before you married him?

      • Sister Sa,
        My husband is from Pakistan and I was born in Britain but my parents origin is Pakistan. So yes same culture and yes pologmy is legal.
        He was introduced to me by a female friend who was married to my cousin. Said he was a good match and he had been through a lot and that he would benefit from having me as a wife as well as I would benefit from him.
        She didn't tell me he had a temper so bad he would throw anything in his hands and punch anything that came his way. She. Didnt tell me he was a flirt and that his previous marriage had ended because of trust issues or that he had parents that wanted their daughter in law to be highly qualified and working.
        I did meet him once or twice but he gave me the complete opposite impression of how he really was. His parents didn't want the marriage to happen so I asked him if his parents were not happy with it he shouldn't Marry me but he was bent on marrying me. There was no love or such promises between us that he had to marry me so when I realized his parents dislike at the alliance I backed out.
        But he was not happy with that I till date don't know what he said to his parents to have made them call my parents saying they wanted to go ahead with our alliance.
        In that time zone he wainvolved with the girl I have mentioned that he married later on after we got married.
        I found out that not only was he involved with her since before he married me, even his parents knew about her. He didn't tell me anything if he had I would have never married him!
        And even though his parents knew about the other girl even they didn't have the decency to privately tell my parents that he was already involved and to say no to the marriage.
        I guess because I was a divorcee that's why my mother in law disliked me because she always brought the topic up.
        She used to talk to me ever so sweetly all friendly and make me talk then she would call my husband up and tell him things the opposite way and he used to instantly believe her and grab his shoes and start throwing them at me. All they ever did my in laws was talk negatively about me and he would be ready to come after me. All the while I used to be emotionally physically suffering he used to disappear for hours day and night and I just used to cry to myself.
        Now I found out he used to be with that other girl all those times. They both have admitted it to me and my in-laws told me they knew about him wanting to marry her too.
        He wasn't giving me a child he used to make excuses. When I finally did get pregnant and I was soo happy that now he wants to settle down properly with me I realized he was getting nikah done with other one.
        And now. He is saying sorry begging me come back please I made a big mistake I regret marrying the other one and having a kid with her, I miss my daughter. I love her I have no feelings for the other kid. I honestly don't mind him taking care of his kids but he doesn't take care of any of them I guess he thought since I put up with him despite fimding out all his secrets and all his lies I will stay with him no matter what he did. Which I have finally decided not to do so. I have put my foot down once and for all.
        When I say the other one convinced him to give her a kid I literally mean that. She had promised him to just marry her so his name would be over her head because her brothers didn't care about her and she needed a way out of there. Other than that she had agreed to him that she wouldn't bother him otherwise as in having children with him. They had decided they would keep the marriage a secret but she is one cunning woman. The moment my husband signed the nikah papers she showed her true motives. To make him all hers.
        Now he doesn't know how to get rid of her because unlike me she doesn't support him financially or is living in her parents properties like a king. She is a burden on him now.
        He deserves all that he gets. I told him stay with her live with her keep her iam out. But why would he do that when I am the key to his lavish life style. Now I just want him to leave me alone but he swore he would never just let me go.
        Well he can't come here atleast . I had even applied for visa for him here despite all of his ill treatment last year but it was declined. After that he married the other one.

  16. Thank you for your advice. I am so sorry to hear about what your husband did sister serenity - what a horrible man. Why do monsters like this exist !

    I can't get to sleep at night and all my dreams involve him. Today it is Eid and he hasn't bothered to contact me nor does he care.

    I don't have any hope he will return or even feel any remorse. He has discarded me because that's what he and his family want - it doesn't matter what anyone else wants. If he missed me it's been three weeks since I last contacted him after he hung up on me, by now he would have called me or text me. He has become a stranger.

    I keep thinking and re-thinking what I have done wrong. I know I nagged him a lot and there were a lot of arguments. But those arguments weren't for no reason, I felt frustrated - I was always having to chase after him and ask for intimacy in bed, this broke my heart. But also I didn't feel appreciated or valued.

    But it drives me crazy thinking I am to blame, if I had been a little more patient and had asked him or discussed things with him more lovingly and let him do thing at his own pace rather than pushing him then maybe I wouldn't be in this mess. I keep thinking about my own mistakes and I have apologised but it feels like I hurt him and now he doesn't love me anymore.

    But he has made fundamental errors too, for example whether he slept with her or not he did have some kind of inappropriate relationship with this other woman. He did lie but perhaps he didn't want to hurt me or perhaps I was nagging so much he thought it would be easier to lie then to explain.

    But he just doesn't see his own mistakes, in fact perhaps he does but he want me out of his life so doesn't see the point of admitting them.

    It seems his heart has been blocked from loving me for many months , very soon into the marriage - and the fact that I kept arguing about things ( important things ) it pushed him away compeltly .

    Leading up to about a month or two before I accidentally found texts from this other woman, I was not arguing about anything. I was giving him space, controlling my temper and emotions. I even turned a blind eye to this woman's pic in his phone, I asked him nicely and he said it was a friend and that was that I forgot about it and never approached the topic. His mum was strange, she would barely speak to me but again it's because I felt that she wasn't happy with me so I didn't tske much notice of it.

    During this period my husband was booking us in for dinner on our wedding anniversary and holiday etc so I thought things were getting better. It's inly when I argued about this woman, and we argued all night. I think I should have been patient, I should have handled things differently - it's the arguing he didn't like and it pushed him away. I feel like it's all my fault , I feel so sad.

  17. You know I think he was in a financial crisis but he didn't let this on before the marriage and I didn't realise either so kept pushing him to get a place to live together and got upset when he would ask about me offering to pay for dinner, asking me to take money out on the honeymoon. Prior to the wedding both he and his family said they expected nothing from me, that I was his full responsibility etc that's why it came as a shock but perhaps he felt embarassed saying he didn't have much money ? But he didn't seem embarassed to ask me for it, both him and his mum. I had offered my hard earned cash to help us buy a house but he declined this because he said he didn't want to buy a house With me ?? This was only a few months into the marriage so I'm guessing he had already decided to leave me around this time or wasn't sure if the marriage would last ?? He said to me when he ran away the first time that he had Savings and he could buy a house but didn't want to as wasn't sure if he would be divorcing me ? I was so hurt about this, most of the arguments were about me feeling frustrated about me not having my own place to live - this was something I had highlighted inwanted numerous times before the wedding, and even said that I was expecting him to take care of the finances as it was his responsibility islamically snd whether he would be able to afford this. He said he would.

    I can't donthis anymore i feel so hurt by him why has he done this ?

    • Dear Sister,
      Stop hurting yourself over this bad husband of yours. He sounds like a psychopath. Look up the website psychopathfree.com. It explains the behaviors of psychopathic people or people with similar traits. These men usually discard women and always want more. The lie and are superficial. They usually can not be loyal to their wife, but have many girlfriends. Its not your fault. I went through the same thing until I realized my husband was a psychopath. Keep yourself away from this man. You can find another good caring loving husband. I know it hurts but you did nothing wrong to deserve his dishonesty and cheating. Turn to Allah , pray and think about your life. Go to college, work and improve your deen. This husband is not worth your time. Love is two ways not one sided like this. Your far worth more then to be worrying about this man. Take care of yourself sister. Have a good Eid with your family .

      • Thank you merwa, I did read that the website and he fits Alot of the criteria , but I don't think he is all bad , he is very confused and comes from an even more confused family. I'm worried for him but if he doesn't care about me I can't do much to help him. He did wish me a good Eid which I was surprised about , I would really like to talk to him but I'm afraid that he will disappear again or I will become too attached to him again, but I also don't want to offend him by ignoring him, and for him to think I don't want this marriage because I do.

        I feel totally confused and scared.

        • Sister bucks,
          The way you feel about your husband is very much how I feel and I understand what you mean by saying he's confused. Him wishing you eid is a good sign it shows he does think of you. Since I came here to me parents with my daughter I didn't talk to him for two months and he started slowly messaging me. Using birthdays and occasions as an excuse. Now its reached to the point that he's begging me to come back and he says he reaslised how wrong he was.
          Even my father termed him as a psychopath but I felt that he wasn't he wasn't that bad. His up bringing was horrible his own parents were very harsh on him. He easily falls in to people traps of love. He is very emotional doesn't think before acting. I know I can help him. And he is stuck now because he admits he married the second wife because he felt guilty of having affair with her and she accused him of ruining her for anyone else. Now he wants to leave her but now my parents are dament on keeping me away from him.
          You see we are the wives we know our Husbands most. They don't understand the situation we are in so to them our husbands just look like monsters but I completely see what you mean by he's not all bad.
          I just have a very strong feeling your husband will change InshAllah and he will come around. Your story is so much like mine and the description of your husband is ditto copy of mine.
          If he has wished you eid

          • If he has wished you eid did you wish him back? You said he ignores you well if he wished you eid which is surprising this means he wants to try to talk. I am talking from experience. Give him a general message. If he ignores it then its OK don't get upset. The message will have some impact its his ego he doesn't want to hurt. You being away from him Iam sure he's realizing your absence. And sis, how many women will he take on? He knows his own nature and he knows he can't pretend to be a great guy forever with another woman so I doubt he will bother with more women as serious partners.
            Where as you have proven your commitment. A wrong person know they are wrong just knows they are wrong they just don't want to admit it. So he knows what he will lose out on and he very well knows there's no guarantee if he remarried that wife will take his crap even for a single day.
            Sis you have made that spot in him. You say he is confused and you want to help him well you have very much so up till now. Just give it time he will slowly realize how wrong his family advice is. Just like how my husband realized how wrong he was to follow his mothers advice against me. Now he doesn't even talk to her or his father because of this fact that he says they were a part of the way he treated me.
            Sis may I have your email address? This is too public I very much want to help you.

        • I am not saying all this kinds of men are psyhopaths and of course you know your husband well and know your situation. Make a lot of prayer to Allah as truly Allah knows everything not us humans. But I have found we women tend to be very unwise. We can not save a husband only Allah can do that. We can not change them either. Would a husband love you still if you treated him the way he treats you? He would leave in an instant. But women are taught to put up with tyrants! This is wrong! I just find that women put up with so much and its like women where blinders and can not see the truth. I was this way myself. I understand loving a husband even when they treat me horribly, cheat on me lie to me , abuse me. But I have learned to see the truth of my exhusband and get out of denial. I am not afraid anymore to be alone as we always have Allah. Only after patiently waiting can I find a good and caring, compassionate husband . Now I have learned I will not settle for less and put up with bad character that is abusive. I am 35 sow older now and it took me longer to learn. Sister your young , respect yourself , do not degrade yourself in the name of love. You have your whole life to live. So what if your husband wished you a Happy Eid. Anyone can do that. Do you except crumbs from a husband like so many of us women do? Look at your husbands actions and not words. Actions speak so much louder then words about how he truly treats you. May Allah guide you well sister. Eid Mubarek.

  18. Yes sure but how do I give it to you without putting it up in public ?

    • We do not allow posting private contact information on this website in any case. Anyone who wants to advise you can do it here. Your identities are anonymous.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Sis what's your status now? Have you talked to him or has he messaged you again?

      • No I didn't respond to his message - im worried he will hurt me or ignore me? I found it offensive that he hung up on me and disapoeared for weeks, no sorry, no communication and then a message on Eid. He has not called me or bothered to send a follow up message - don't think he really cares. I'm confused.

        • You have nothing to lose sis. Just respond by saying khair Mubarak to him. If you have any profiles that he sees upload a nice pic of yourself so he sees you are not fazed by his absense.
          These men tend to go haywire when they realize their wife is actually not botherd anymore. He needs to see you are not dying without him don't show him your true feelings.

          • I did, he hasn't bothered to respond and I don't think he will because he doesn't care and quite frankly neither do I anymore 🙂

            What ur husband did was wrong but he still recognises his mistakes, and it took only 2 months for him to come to his senses. My husband blames me for evrything, he makes me feel as though eveythjng was my fault - he even said to me that he has done nothing wrong. He has no insight, or if he does he doesn't care enough about me to acknowledge it. You left ur husband, whereas my husband told me to leave the house, and told me he didn't want to be in this marriage aftrr I discobered his communication with this other woman lol. I did not recieve an apology rather he disappeared, and I stupidly chased after him.

            My heart is broken because sure im not perfect but I've apologised enough times, and have tolerated a lot, more than I should have, but in return I got nothing but neglect. I feel heartbroken. I don't think he cares about me, it's been many months and he has not attempted to reconcile.

            Allah knows best.

  19. I am sorry to keep venting on here I know my problem is nothing compared to what other people are going through, but I have reached break down. I can't make sense of anythjng in my head, my husband is happily getting on with his life after discarding me. He knows I love him, but he doesn't care about me. I feel worthless, I look at myself in the mirror and I feel ugly and worthless. I can't make sense of anythjng, how can a person love and then get rid of me so easily and quickly, he wouldn't even discuss our issues - he wanted to end it all and his family are pushing for it to. It must be me, I must have done something to make them hate me to this extent. It hurts and it doesn't make sense. I can't take it anymore, I'm thinking of ending my life, I can't live like thjs and I don't see a healthy future for me I can't trust anymore. I'm fed up.

    • 1) Please don't take your own life. Be patient, have faith that better times are to come, and please try to understand that life goes on when bad things happen. You married the wrong guy, it's not the end of the world. People get divorced every day and move on with their lives. They find love again, have families and become happy. I don't know why you are giving this man so much power and attention. Maybe if he was a good man with some great qualities to be missed. But he's not. I don't understand what about him is getting to you so much.

      2) We have ALL told you this isn't any of your fault. Why don't you believe that? It's like everyone's advice goes over your head. Stop asking anymore questions about this man. Stop looking for faults in yourself. Stop keeping yourself up to date with what this man is doing. Just sign the divorce papers and cut your ties completely to this guy. Change your number, delete your accounts on social medias and tell people around you that you do not want to hear one single word about this guy.

      It sounds to me like you have ver low self-esteem. Please focus on working on that so you see yourself as a valuable humanbeing who knows her worth. Someone who feels good about herself and doesn't let people treat her disrespectfully. Instead of spending your time obsessing over someone and questions you'll probably never see the light of, use your time to take care of yourself.

    • Dear Sister,

      Allah swt chose to create you and He is the one who decides to call you back from this life. Do not interfere with this divine matter Sister.

      You are not worthless. You are not something to be discarded. There are, unfortunately, some people on this earth who will mistreat others, treat them badly, call them names, abuse them in all sorts of ways. The person who gets treated this way often blames themselves--so strange that this happens, yet it does.

      You shouldn't define your value by the measure of their treatment.

      You should define the value of yourself as a chosen creation by Allah swt.

      Do not accept the Zulim by viewing yourself unworthy and not beautiful.

      This man has mistreated you. You wouldn't accept this for a member of your family--so do not accept it for yourself.

      Put everything you believe in front of Allah swt, put all your matters before Him and understand that your abusive husband and in-laws are wrong. It seems you don't believe that what they have done is wrong. But it is. Once you accept the reality, and view yourself NOT through their eyes, you will understand how important it is to distance yourself from their poison.

      May Allah swt aid you during this difficult time, Ameen, thummah Ameen!

    • Weirdly enough, i feel like i know you now after reading all this lol. Im happy you didn't respond to him, as one sister above said, so what if he said "eid mubarak". How many people txt you that on that day? I honestly believe the only reason he is acting so harshly is because he knows he's got you under his thumb and that if he said he'd want to get back with you right this instant, that you'd let him. He needs to know you're doing even BETTER without him sis. I generally believe you have so much to give to the right person!

      One thing i generally felt that has helped me was to get back to my deen. If you do that, you'll never be familiar with the term "depression" trust me sis. Read the book "don't be sad" its SO good and "reclaim your heart" by Yasmin Mogahed. I honestly want the best for you as a sister in Islam and it hurts me that you're feeling this way. He did not deserve you and Allah will deal with him as he is JUST. Sit back and watch how God deals with him. KARMA

      It gets better with time i can assure you. You are lucky you aren't tied to him with kids, things would be quite difficult, you'd have to face him and risk being emotionally blackmailed even more. Now you have the chance to act like you never even knew him and act like the lady you are! Concentrate on yourself and do things that make YOU happy. You are lucky maa shaa Allah, do you! 🙂 xxx

  20. I have tried so hard but I feel too hurt. I really did love him but he does not care about me. It's my fault I should have turned a blind eye to everything, why did I have to be so upfront I should have kept my mouth shut and been more patient. He was probably trying his best. Who cares if I did not have my own place to live it would have come with time, I should have tried harder to form a relationship with his mum she probably hated me because I wasn't a good wife to his son, and because I was asking for my own place to live. I hate myself.
    It really hurts me to think that when I was here missing my husband he was abroad having lied about going on a business trip, he was having a great time partyig with this woman, meeting her friends, going for dinners with her, paying for her. He did all of this because I couldn't keep him happy because i am a nobody. I'm ugly, and worthless.
    I'm a huge burden to my parents, they have to see me go through this. They had to listen to other people say rubbish about me. I couldn't maintain my marriage. He csnt hate me so much for no reason, he's ok being away from me. He has not bothered to contact me, he doesn't miss me. He doesn't love me. A person would only do this to someone who is scum, that's how him and his family must see me.
    I've made up my mind, I've tried hard but I can't go on. I'm better off dead. Icant tske anymore.

    • There are many problems in your marriage due to your husband's lack or non-existant will to try to establish success in your marital life.

      You are not a superwoman. You weren't meant to be either. You simply cannot in a reasonable sense, be responsible for your behaviour, your husband's behavior, your in-law's collective behavior and so forth and so forth. You are only able to do what you can and that is limited as well to your ability, will, strength, and effort.

      I urge you to seek counselling sister. It is natural for a person to feel how you do. I can't imagine your pain, but I can tell you that measuring your self-worth by the treatment of unreasonable and generally mean people isn't healthy. You have to know that Allah swt loves you and wants you to try your best. Trying your best does include leaving or cutting off toxic people. By your description, you were surrounded by people who did nothing to make your life easy and you constantly had to do special back-flips just to avoid getting a negative comment...let alone a positive one. Your husband and his family are toxic people.

      Please sister ignore the whispers from shaitaan. Any kind of thoughts about suicide are direct attacks from shaitaan. Surround yourself with a bubble of goodness, listen to the Quran, talk to your friends, eat fruits vegetables, exercise, close your eyes and allow yourself to feel calm. If you can forgive your husband for your awful behaviour, you surely can forgive yourself for the things you hold yourself accountable to (not that I think you were being unreasonable at all--just to help you to understand your feelings).

      Again, may Allah protect you and help you to prevail over these matters, Ameen.

  21. I can't take this anymore I'm feeling very suicidal

    • out of curiosity how old are you? if you don't mind me asking..

      • I am 27 and my husband is in his mid thirties, why? I can't bear the thought of him
        Being with someone else, this is probably why he is happy alone because he is with her. I'm in a very bad state of mind.

        • sister you are still young, there are plenty of good guys out there so why are you wasting your precious time on him? you said you should put a blind eye to everything? that's the most foolish thing anyone can say, you act like that most likely you will be treated worse than a door mat.

          i know you cant bear to see him with other women but you have to realize he doesn't care about what you want, this is why he is with other women.

          marriage consist of compromise, commitment, faithful, love etc from both party's. its all one sided from your part.

          you have the means to make things better(divorce) instead you are waiting for him on top of that having suicidal thoughts. look sister you making it hard on yourself. the solution is here and in due time everything will be okay. doing nothing wont help. so its upto you to act on my advice or not..

          life is too precious to give up, just because of hardship...

          • Whats wrong in nagging? He cheated on you, you have every right to question him. Its normal. Married couples argue, fight etc its normal, so why do you keep blaming yourself? Did you really think married like is a argue free? Only filled with happy mood no one argues or fights? Your husband thought your too dumb to catch on his cheating, but when you found out thats when he left. All this time he was makeing a fool out of you dont you see?

            This aint love, one sided love from your part only. You gave him chance to make things right, yet he doesnt want to know you. You done your part. Even if you cry for one month if he doesnt want you what could you do? Respect his decision. Dont let him ruin your life. leave him its his lost, how many sane women would you find who will put a blind eye to his cheatings?

            So many people who have nothing yet theyre desperately clinging onto life because they want to live so badly although they have nothing to look forward too. Terminally ill people who dont have long left so desperately want to live but you going through hardship and you want to end your life so easily like its nothing. Once death comes you cant turn back, dont sacrifice your life over marriage its not worth it. You make it seem your life revolves around your husband and without him you cant live. Before you got married you were doing fine, in due time everything will be okay. First step leave him, rest will fall into place in due time..

        • Salam sister,

          I'm really sorry for your loss and pain. I am recently divorced and loved me husband very much. We were only married for 8 months. It was a love marriage. I used to sit on the floor in my bedroom sobbing in front of my parents and brothers. I used to lay awake for hours in bed feeling empty. I had to seek counselling because I did not recognise myself. It was the total feeling of shock, sadness, a sense of disbelief, loss. How can the person who says he lives me and cares for me just leave me without trying, without speaking to me. How can I be divorced? He just cut off contact just like your husband did. I was the best wife I could be at the time- believe me. I bent over backward to try to please him.

          You need to pause. You need a break. Your mind is doing overtime, back to back shifts with no break. You need to look after yourself now because you're likely to feel weak and unwell with reduced sleep, even perhaps poor appetite and high stress levels. You're feelings are VALID. And your reaction to the events occurring in your life right now. It's too much sis- sometimes the pain and hurt is too much. I know.

          But you need to press the stop button. Get off the thread mill, stop running and just press stop. Just for a little while, just to clear the fog before you can make your judgement. Your husband has not disappeared but is just out of your life for now. There is a wisdom and benefit in this. It's ok to still love and want him. This is normal. But to be the best wife you can be you need to first heal. This does not involve him for now. This is just you and Allah swt. Once you heal and allow yourself to take time then you'll be able to chose what makes you happy and inshAllah you WILL get it. If you want your marriage to work, you need to first heal, THEN think clearly of what steps you need to take. Don't panic. Allah swt Can make your husband knock on your door begging you back at any time. But Allah swt is keeping him away for now so you can re prioritise.

          Do you love Allah swt first or your husband? I'm sorry sis but you have to chose. Who do you Love first? You can love many and much but Who first? Who do you fear First? Who's Guidance, Help and Company do you want first? Love Allah swt first. Then Love For His Sake. I still love my husband. I still wish good for him. But I Love Allah swt First. Therefore I will stop myself & heal when things are really bad for me.

          You need to take some steps to feel better quickly.

          1. Seek counselling. Go to your GP, tell them how you feel. If you work your work place will most likely have occupational health services- see them.

          2. Sleep. When you're tired and if you can then sleep.

          3. Eat well. Small and more often if you can't manage proper meals.

          4. Pray. All your fard is a minimum. Sunnah prayers will help you. And night prayer will speed your recovery. Make dua. Small or big, whenever you like. Tell Allah swt how you feel, ask Him to save you.

          5. Speak to your family & parents. Spend time with them. They love & care for you.

          6. Take a break from your husband. Until you feel better. I promise you sis he hasn't disappeared. And he may not be with anyone else. But he is blocked from you. Allah swt wants you to heal and become closer to him and find yourself, an even better self again.

          7. Go off social media fully. Shut it out. It restricts your world. Its suffocating when you feel heartbroken. It's a fake world. De activate and stay away. Try 5 days to start with.

          8. Write to us. Everyday, let us know how you are. Tell us if you find it difficult finding counselling. When can you see you doctor? Vent. Share any dua or verses of the quraan you found helpful. Chances are you'll be helping others without knowing it.

          Take baby step sister. But seek help. You're not alone sis. And you are loved and important to many people.

          Baby steps.

          I will pray for you.

          • Your all giving very good advice and I am trying to apply it. I can't take the burden anymore, I can't shake off the guilt that perhaps this marriage failing is a result of my shortcomings. I am not perfect I made mistakes too but I nevr lied not cheated. But I was very upfront and persistent about challenging something I felt was wrong or a lie. I realise now that this must have been very hard for my husband, he probably found that I was nagging him too much. But despite this I never left his side, I never turned my family against him. I still gave him millions of chances when I found out about his fling, I still didn't leave his side until he told me leave the next day before he disappeared himself. I apologosed tonnes of times but he was fixated on my negative aspects - I didn't give him any major reason to divorce me except I possibly put him under pressure. I am going crazy and feel like ending my life over the last few days, I have never felt this low and desperate in my entire life. I can't take the burden of hurting my parents, they are so broken they are so hurt. I'm fed up of putting up a fake face in front of them so that they don't befome upset. But I keep asking my parents if this is my fault they keep saying it isn't but I can't trust them becsuse they are my parents and won't want to upset me. This is driving me crazy.

            I know I am weak for feeling this way, Allah swt has a plan for me, this is all happening for a reason but also what if its the consequences of my own mistakes - I can't live with that guilt. I can't see the pain my parents are in, I'm becoming bitter and this hurts them, they take it personally and their heart breaks.

            I can't accept that him and his family can be so bad, there must be something good about them, I can't make sense of what's happening , I feel suffocated. The easiest way out at the moment is death.

            I need Allah to guide me because I'm lost and im hurting my parents in the process. I want them to be happy but I'm hurting. I need my husband to respect me, for him to understand that I am his wife, and I've never harmed him, and I didn't mean to nag I was just trying help us both secure a future. He doesn't acknowledge his mistakes only mine.

            He's my husbnd I loved him so much but he is happy without me

        • Dear Sister Bucks, AsSalaamu 'alaik,

          I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through. One thing you should understand is that, the truth is always one and clear in all things, yet, it's hard to accept and follow. If only you would listen to your parents (whose love and care for you is pure and real) and the sincere advice given to you by your sisters and brothers on here, then you will be saved from worse and many frustrations in the future. If you can't bear it now, then leave as soon as possible, before you get to where you could no longer leave nor bear. I suppose you don't have any child with him?!

          But please forget about suicide, because the pain after it in hell would be more severe than the pain you feel in this life--be very careful, dear sister, because hell is no joke.

          Just divert all your attention to those (your parents) who are giving you the true love and care, and then try much to forget that so called husband. Of course, this is hard, but please try handling it more rationally--you can do it if you stop blaming yourself for everything, and then respect yourself.

  22. Please sister STOP!!!
    Suicide is not an answer . If you will take your life then forever you will be tormented with same state of despair that made you take your life . This will be as a punishment for going for HARAM( suicide)

    There is solution of your problem.
    I'm suggesting it as I have seen this really happened to my acquaintance .
    Make a list with 2 sides. On one side write down all good qualities your husband have and on other side bad one.

    Now ponder over bad ones and make sure that you are able to stand them for rest of your life without a word of nagging or complaint to any one( husband, his family, your family, friends)

    If that is possible then physically contact your husband and his mother. Go meet them.Ask for their forgiveness and promise them that you will live and abide by them no matter what. You will never ever utter any complain or nagging and they give you one more chance . Plead ,cry , beg, fall on her mothers feet etc.

    Can you do this? Is it justifying to you? If yes then go ahead.

  23. I am gona give you this advice from personal experience. Thinking about all the ......was it his or my fault is not going to change anything but it will waste ur time and stress your mind.I know the feeling of self blame and thinking what i could have done differently. At the end of the day whats done is done. You did not ruin your marriage on purpose so remove all guilt from your mind. Pray and do istighfar. We as humans are bound to make mistakes and do good and bad consciously and unconsciously and thats why Allah swt wants us to do a lot of Istighfar so that we are forgiven.we cant be expected to handle things perfectly.Having said that It was your husbands choice to lie and cheat and you are in No Way responsible. Your feeling of guilt shows you are a good person with good heart Alhamdulillah. It is hard to be good and patient with someone who hurts you and mentslly tortures you. It looks like your intention was to make your marriage work and you tried your best so just leave it at that and move on. Things are not going to improve.Dont sit around patiently and waiting for things to get better because it may not.He is answerable to Allah swt for his deeds.So before you end up in ruins leave this man and get as far from him as possible because there is no future with a man who does not fear God. Use this experience as a means to get closer to Allah swt.Good Luck.

  24. Sister bucks! Please please don't resort to even thinking of suicide. I didn't tell you how this is my second marriage. And allow me to give you an insight to how I ended up like this.
    I was 16 and persuaded to marry my cousin who was 13 years older than me. He turned out to be abusive obsseive and and crazy. He used me financially he had a child from me a boy. My son is 11 years of age now MashAllah but I haven't seen him since he was three. My ex husband took him from me and I was tortured by him and wasn't granting me khula. After 9 years I finally decided to remarry.
    I thought I was ready again. I had no problem in my parents house they supported me till the end and they knew I was in no way wrong or a bad person.
    Now Iam in this dilemma with my second husband. He lied, cheated beat me married on top of me abused me in front of his parents which I never expected because of the picture he had given m

  25. The picture he had given me of himself. He himself has an ex wife and son from previous marriage so I thought we would understand each others pain but that all back fired on me.
    Sister in no way I will put the blame on myself and neither should you. I know I am a good person I have willed anything bad for anyone ever let alone do anything bad to them. This is a test from Allah. And Allah only burdens us with as much as we can bear, its how we handle it that counts.
    Despite all this I would never resort to suicide sis. Its not the way and for whom? Men lithe pain in this world is just a prick compared to the life long torture of the here after. Sis please don't ever think of suicide again. You are not scum you are an intelligent decent young woman who despite being treated so unjustly is still trying to make things work. How can you be a bad person or be at fault when in every post you still justify their actions by saying that maybe you should have tried harder etc.
    Sis think long and hard.
    Call him set a time with him tell him you want to sort everything out once and for all. You can't waste your time living off ifs and buts. Sis be firm don't cry don't beg don't complain tell him yow want to be at peace and if that means separating so be it. He has to choose one way he can't keep you attached with his strings lime this.

  26. Sometimes Allah puts us in such situations to bring us closer to Him. In the end our iman strenghtens and the test we are put through resolves for us. Turn to Allah sis. Recite the Quran with translation pray, make duaas as much as you can. You will feel peace. I know in such times one tends to feel very depressed and not feel like doing anything but sis try to.
    I am talking from experience.
    Only Allah can and will help you all we can do is advise you.
    It won't be the end of the world for you if God forbid you two did separate. You were surviving before him you will after him. Your marriage was meant to be and whatever happens in the future is also meant to be so plz don't beat yourself up about it.
    I I wish I could privately message you. The only reason Iam sharing my story is to show you we are strong women by the grace of Allah. Do not give up.

  27. Salam sister Bucks,

    How are you feeling?

  28. Sister, please reply,
    I hope you are okay?

  29. Sister bucks??

  30. Salam hopeful sis and sis serenity. Thank you both for sharing your stories with me. I feel bad for both your husbands because clearly it's their loss. Hopeful sis why your husband divorced you despite you being a good wife baffles me, he's clearly not capable of marriage and has a lot of growing up to do - he will regret his decision. I sincerely pray Allah replaces him with someone ten times better and who will love you and care for you and vice versa. Ameen.

    Sister serenity I am truly sorry to hear about your first marriage, may Allah fill his heart with remorse and may you be reunited with your son - have you sought legal aid ? With regards to your second marriage i pray your husband chooses you over the other woman and Allah restores your marriage and blesses it. Ameen.

    I have been in a very dark place over the last few days. The only thing that stopped me from suicide was my parents - they won't be able to tolerate it, it will kill them and I can't do that to them. I have come to realise that i don't deserve happiness. I have been tested throughout life, I have been wronged and the people to wrong me have gone on to live a good life whilst I have suffered the consequences of their actions and words.

    I have also been blessed with certian things which I am grateful for but it has always been after a struggle. I think God wants to punish me, He is not happy with me.
    I have always tried to be a good Muslim, and have not committed any major sins as far as I can remember. I'm not perfect, not at all, but I have certianly kept myself pure. I don't care that my husband never really cared for me, perhaps I ticked all the boxes on paper for a traditional wife, but he clearly didn't love me. Once the going got tough and his mum decided she didn't like me he kicked me out. Or perhaps I am an awful person who made him hate me - who knows. Either way I feel ugly and worthless. I am tested with everything. I thought I had found the right man, married him and felt hopeful, felt happy. It doesn't hurt that he lied to me, or that his family didn't like me, but the only thing that hurts is that he rejected me intimately, looked at other women and even went as far as having some form of illicit relationship with another woman. I must really be worthless for my own husband to do this and then kick me out after I found out, instead of apologising and accepting his own flaws instead of blaming me for everything, breaking me and then going on to live his life as though he is the most perfect man that has walked this earth.

    So I have now accepted that this is my life. Full of disappointments. I have no expectations, desires or goals anymore. I'm alive because I have to be. Each day is a heavy burden, and I'm tired.

    I know people are going through bigger problems so I will stop moaning about mine.

  31. Assalamualaikum sister bucks!
    Iam so glad to hear from you :-).
    Please don't feel bad. I too feel the same way all my life iv been tested and neither have I committed any major sins. But then then again those whom Allah loves the most are tested the hardest in this world while the ones who make our lives miserable Allah gives them a chance to mend their ways to repent but sis, as they say one day the rope will get tight and snap and that's precisely what happens to these horrid people.
    Your husband doesn't derserve you just as mine isn't deserving of me but I feel I must give it a shot for my daughters sake.
    Sister moan all you want Iam here for you 🙂 just plz don't turn to suicide. Life is a precious gift from Allah. We can't be ungrateful to Him.

  32. Also sis, never ever lose hope. Allah can change hearts, situations places in heart beat. Never ever give up. Remember Allah has put us in this situation there is a reason. Behind it surely Allah's plan can never be harmful for us. The situation may seem unbearable but in the long run it will get proven to you it was for your benefit later on as you refelct. remember sis Allah places us in all our trials who are we to complain from His decisions.
    I always do shukaar sis that I was born Muslim in this world that alone is the greatest reward. We just need to focus on the positive things in life not everything negative.
    Stop saying all those negative things about yourself please I can tell from your posts you are a good soul with a good heart. Please stop beating yourself up for something that's not your fault.
    Take care sis.

  33. I don't have any hope anymore.

    • I deleted your comment. You have been given a lot of good advice, but instead of trying to absorb it and take it to heart, you are pouring out these foolish and sinful conclusions, wishing that you had committed sins and so forth. Please read the good advice you have been given.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  34. Sister Buck you are going thru very acute phase of severe heart break that is why none of above advices are giving you comfort .
    ONLY thing that is going to heal you is GOD & TIME.
    At least try to keep yourself surrounded by sincere friends and family.
    I will pray for quick tranquility and prosperity for you. Ameen.

    • I agree with Gracias, with the proviso that if you don't feel the despair lifting in a few weeks then you should seek counselling.

  35. Guys I love my husband dearly I really do. A lot has happened but I really would like to give the marriage a second chance problem is he doesn't seem to care, or if he does he doesn't show it. Deep down I think he has alot to improve on but if he really wanted to he can make those changes. I now understand him better, we didn't really know each other that well before we married but now I understand him and how he thinks - I can make improvements within myself also to make this marriage work - but he doesn't see this. He seems unable to make his decisions, he seems to discuss every little detail of our marriage or my conversations, with his family who have advised him very maliciously to leave me and he has agreed. It seems his mother likes to be in control, she wants things to be done her way and she has a control over him which I don't understand - she just won't leave us alone to have a healthy marriage, or to at least listen to both sides of the story. I have tried to bond with her and respect her but she is a very difficult lady, my husband himself said this initially about her but then turned against me. She's a harsh lady and very stingy, hence why she has constantly been asking for dowry and making my life hell! I'm not a difficult person but I need love, if i am being disrespected or spoken to like a child it upsets me. I don't like being kept in the dark or being lied to, which is what was happening with me.

    If he could just understand and realise his own mistakes and see where his family have gone wrong we wouldn't be in this mess. How do I make him see this ? Im finding it difficult to let go of things, but from the moment we separated he seems to be feeling very well with everything - I have not seen him looking dishevelled or upset even once.

    • Salaams sister,

      I admit I haven't read your entire post, nor all the responses you and others gave here in detail. But I have read enough to feel that I have a gist of what's going on.

      With all due respect sister, my view is that perhaps you've made this man and the marriage to him too important in your life. No one should get this level of attention except Allah. Marriage is important, yes, but not so much so that you are obsessing over the details of things as you seem to be. When you spend that much time and mental energy on something it's a good indication that you are making it a lord in your life, and Allah should be the only Lord. It's a form of minor shirk, and it can take you away from the deen in various ways if you don't correct it.

      This life is going to seem like a mere afternoon when we leave it. The details of our marriages and the people we knew here will seem so, so irrelevant when we are faced with the reality of akhirah. You need to change your focus, and stop trying to control what's happening by analyzing it to death. Try instead to leave it in Allah's hands and walk away. Put your energy and focus instead into becoming more pious, and remaining in a state of Allah's remembrance. Trust Him to manage things EXACTLY as they are meant to be managed. We can't manage what only He can.

      -Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • I agree completely with Amy...this sort of idolization you have over your husband...you really only should idolize God like this. Please be careful...

      Bucks, you also ask how you can MAKE your husband realize this and that. That's the thing, you can't MAKE anyone do anything according to YOUR will. Your husband clearly shows he isn't interested in making the marriage work, yet you still use the tiniest little thing of semi decency he does as an excuse to be confused over what he really wants. I understand it's because you are looking for hope, so when you think you see the tiniest flash of dimmed light, you make yourself believe there might be a chance this man has changed his mind. Please, for yourself and your family's sake, try to take the necessary steps to accept your marriage didn't work out, and to try become even more happy than you think your husband is. It is possible, honest. From what I have experienced, happiness is more about what kind of attittude you meet life with rather than the circumstances you are put in. It sounds like you have a very negative outlook on life - like, when things don't go your way, it's the end of the world. Maybe this experience is supposed to teach you to have more patience and more trust in God, and to teach you that just because things you want don't work out, it doesn't mean you give up on life. Honestly, there are millions of people who live very poor life as it is, but are now fearing for their own survival on top of it due to war and massacres. I'm sure they'd love to have the chance of being safe and happy, like you have. But don't grab.

  36. Salaam sister Amy, I completely agree with you on this!
    Sister bucks, turn to Allah He will make everything easy for you. This may be a blessing in disguise for you, for you to get closer to Allah.
    Also sister, emphasis on being a caring daughter to your parents. I have learnt in hard times taking more care of my parents in any way has made things easier for me. Ask for your mothers duaas.
    Also sister. The way you are obsessing over this man, this is your biggest problem and this is why he's treating you this way.he sees this in you. Husband love attention. Devotion but you need to show them you are not crazyily obsessed.

  37. Salaams, this is a question to the editors of this website, I would like an authentic Islamic perspective on a question I have, should I post it as a question on your site or is there a specific person I can approach?
    I would greatly appreciate it.

  38. Salam guys, I have managed to finally accept the advice given by everyone I'm beginning to understand that it's never one person who makes a mistake, we have been separated for 7 months now - that should be more than enough time to forgive and forget about somebody's mistake, esp since I have apologised numerous times.

    I also wanted to thank you all on this website, I don't really have anyone to turn to. My parents are elderly and I'm worried that if I burden them with my anxieties they will reach breaking point, I don't want that for them they don't deserve it - they are already very broken. I don't want to seek professional counselling because it will have an impact on my career. I have a very good successful career, and I don't want to hinder that. So I turn to you guys on this site for help, and I am trying to stop this also because I know there are others who need more help.

    I'm slowly getting better but I have one issue that I don't know how to deal with. I have been left with zero self esteem. I never had bucket loads of self esteem to begin with but had enough to recognise my self worth. Now I have nothing - I actually find myself physically repulsive, and feel very insecure. My husband was a good looking guy getting lots of attention whereas I was always quite modest because I didn't really want to attract attention, I diverted all my energies into making myself look pretty and attractive for my husband but he would still refuse me intimacy - this would make me feel very rejected. He would also look at other women, inc my own sis In law, even whilst he was with me. Initially I ignored it but then I spoke to him about it nicely and then it got to a point where I would become angry because it wouldn't stop. He would stare at a girl whilst I was right there next to him, and if I challenged him on this he would become angry with me or deny it so convincingly that i thought I was imagining things. Anyway I now lack any confidence and this reflects in my daily interactions, I've become a bit of a push over and nervous. I also feel that either because of my beauty (or lack of ) or personality he pushed me away. I'm not sure if any man will ever want to marry me. If my own husband despite my love has disappeared and is happy without me why would anyone else bother with me

    I am considering plastic surgery to fix my nose. Pls tell me how to overcome these feeling and re build my self esteem. Pls help.

    • Dear Sister,

      When we use others' approval to determine our self-worth, that becomes a source of pain.

      You need to literally make the source of your worth connected with your Creator and no human. Humans are not perfect and they make mistakes.

      Again, your husband looking at other women is his problem, but you seem to have the tendency to own his problems and that isn't fair to you and it lets him off the hook completely.

      As soon as you start being kind and loving to yourself in a way that you deserve, you will understand that you deserve the best--it begins with how you think.

    • There are lots of little things you can do to improve your self image and self-esteem. Besides staying in touch with God:

      1. Choose to not put your value on basis of what other people think of you, or how they treat you. Someone treating you bad says something about THEIR character, not your's. So that would be a good start: to not let anyone have the control of how you feel about yourself

      2. Don't let yourself get stressed out over things you have no control over

      3. Do nice things for yourself: take time out regularly for yourself to get facials, to get your hair done, manicures, go shopping for new clothes, go out to dinner, and whatnot

      4. Treat yourself kindly: eat healthily, exercise, get enough sleep, drink plenty of water

      5. Surround yourself with positive people. Positive friends

      6. Don't bottle your emotions up, because I think it just turns in to self loathing. Confide in a friend, or even write a diary, when you feel bad

      7. Try to change your attitude. I think this is probably the most important thing you can do. Instead of seeing the worst in yourself and how others seem to be better off than you, stop looking at other people, and what they're doing in their life, and start focus on what's positive and good about YOUR life. Everyone has insecurities, you are definitely not the only one

    • Your husband most likely belongs to category of men who irrespective of looks, stare at every female. These kind of men cannot help this habit. Even if you were miss world ,he still would have been looking at other women.

      In Islam cosmetic alteration in physical features to improve self esteem is considered haram.

      If nose job is something always in back of your mind even before this marriage experience and this issue is so overwhelming that it has hijacked your life then you can consider nose job but as appears from your posts , you are very distressed and emotionally labile at this time.
      Donot rush into something drastic like surgery that you later regret and won't be reversible either .

      Average it takes one year to calm down after serious heart break.Time will heal you.

  39. Assalamualaikum sister bucks,
    In regards to you saying if your own husband doesn't care about you why should anyone else. Well sister, your husband was a stranger he was nothing to you a year ago, then he turned out be a liar and a cheat. He didn't value the marriage didn't think anything of it. The one thing he could give to you in return for all your sufferings out of humanity even was a child and rather tha. Doing that he was angry about it and that you did it to use it on him and unfortunately you had a miscarriage which sis is terrible I myself went through this ordeal because of my husbands physical abuse I lost

  40. My unboorn child.
    Sis this was after my daughter turned 9 months. I had no support I kept it all to myself didn't tell parents anything this because I didn't want to upset my parents anymore after everything I went through my first marriag. I couldn't even justeet my parents because they lived in another country my in laws I couldn't turn to because they just wanted to get rid of me and kept brainwashing him. On top of that he brought another woman to my house just out of the blue one day and said she will like e here I had nikah with her. I held on to Allah. I went through hell.
    I got side tracked sis my point is this man you have given up your life up for is nothing. He isn't a man who for years of marriage took care of you gave you kids supported you, he just exists by name as a Husband has not fulfilled a single dutiy. What has he done so great for you to be wasting the rest of your emotional, physical well being sis. And you mentioned looks. Sis
    You changing your appearance won't change him for you. Iam not ugly I suited my husband breathe sti went and married a woman who was after him because she wasn't getting proposals and no one found her attractive and her own brothers used to hate having her around. She still managed to grab him and get herself attached to him. She's no better in anything from me. And my husband is keeping her secreat still and flaunts me to everyone as his wife. So what iam saying is these men when they think a certain way see things a certain way, no amount of beauty can make them your own.
    The only thing you can do is turn to Allah and change your in er self. Gain confidence sis you are educated have a job. I bet you a re a pretty woman this ma. Had emotionally scarred you in so many ways. Sis iam soory to say he was not your own husband he didn't fulfill that for you so saying if he doesn't care no one will is not right. Look at me I have no job like you I didn't even get to finish high school because of my first marriage. I would do anything to have financial security to not worry or be Dependant on my parents even though they will support me till death I wish I had this to support myself and daughter. You are young have not been married that long are educated you can live on sis. Please don't ruin your self over this person by degrading yourself like this.
    Why throw life away like this. Plz sis I know it feels like its the end of the world but it is not. I have had these feelings to but I recite astaghfar and do shukaar to Allah for what He has and is giving me. It could been worse. If you start thinking positively everything will start getting better. The more you cry and worry the worst it will get. Consider him a person whom you met in your life to learn from. This iam sure mustv made you wiser. Allah has us meet people throughout our lives for different reasons it doesn't mean they will be there forever. Sis if you two are destined together then nothing can ever separate you but if you two are not then why worry. The alone time you have right now make use of it for yourself to make a better Muslim of yourself. Pretend he doesnt exsist. Make yourself busy in activities go to a therapist regularly nearby befriend some sister that can guide you islamically who can give good advice and a shoulder to cry on.

  41. @bucks

    I read some of your posts and its clear you love your husband dearly & hate a divorce and have not changed your mind, inspite of the overwhelming advice by respondents asking you to leave him(not surprised!).

    Here are few words of wisdom from an online forum, hope it might help Insha-Allah

    Save your marriage!

    Most of us evaluate our husbands according to our own point of view. We can be acting emotionally. Our point of view can be selfish. We can approach everything according to our own benefit.
    How about of being objective, instead? Who knows? Perhaps your husband can be right. Which one of us apply the magical formula called empathy?
    Can we not behave by thinking of our spouse’s expectations and putting ourselves in their shoes? Is it so hard to see the events from the point of view of your spouse? It is the rule of objectivity. Try it. You will see that your marriage will undergo a magnificent change.

    We are bound to be happy!

    If you are married, you are bound to be happy and get on well with your spouse. Suppose that you get divorced, do you have a guarantee that you will be happy in your second marriage?
    Even if you were happy in your second marriage, would the memories of the ruined lives and sorrows of children(if any) left behind not make you unhappy? Can you face it?
    Never think of the sacrifice one-sided. You two endure each other. Everybody loves himself or herself and thinks that they are right. If she is unbearable to you -I always object the one-sided evaluations-, you are unbearable to her similarly.

    Determine the reasons of conflict

    There is the only reason of conflict between spouses: not to know how to get on well. We fill in our brains with so much unnecessary information till we get married. Most of it has no use. Look around. Many young people get married before they are ready. They do not have enough education and information. As a result, they cannot manage it properly.

    A rose garden without thorns

    The biggest mistake of those who are newly married is that they get disappointed by dreaming “a rose garden without thorns” and of those who are married for years is that they do not do anything to improve their marriage by thinking, “it will go on like that”.
    Think that there is no sea without waves and no rose garden without thorns. So, you will be relaxed. There are problems in every place where people live. The basic problem is dreaming of a life without problems. We should be prepared by thinking of the problems to occur.

    First, think that you may have made a mistake!

    First, remove the mistakes you have done. Man always thinks others are wrong. However, the best thing to do is to try to eliminate our mistakes first.

    What is important is not what you are like but how your spouse perceives you. Perhaps you love your spouse more than anybody does but he/she might not be aware of it. Then, you should show that you love him/her. What everybody likes is different. What does your spouse like? He might like presents, traveling, chatting, care, compliments, or something else. Are you sure that you have tried them enough?
    Let me tell you an effective and wonderful rule: Treat your spouse as you would like him/her to treat you.

    Discuss properly!

    If you want to have a happy and peaceful marriage, do not fear to discuss. However, obey the rules of a useful and effective debate.
    A proper debate which is made by obeying its rules is the key to a great happiness and the best solution to the conflicts within the family.
    The debate causes spouses to know and discover more about each other. There are people who do not know their spouses enough although they have been married for years. We know that the communication is the means for people to understand each other; so you cannot know each other without talking.

    Do not neglect your family when you focus on your job

    Some family problems originate from the fact that the man does not allocate time to their families because of being interested in the work too much. The same case is also valid for the working women.
    The saying, “out of sight, out of mind” is not said in vain. If the spouses do not see each other enough, they will have communication problems. Those who do not talk to each other cannot express their feelings, ideas, and expectations. When the spouses do not talk to each other, there will be guesses, presumptions and suspicions. The spouses evaluate each other according to presumptions, assumptions, and gossips. As a result, many problems arise.

    Marriage is the beginning of the real love and the end of the cheating love.

    Marriage is not the end of love and affection; it is the settlement period of it. The love before marriage is the phase of meeting; it may deceive one if one is not careful in this period. However, he real love is the one in the marriage and gets strong and strong day by day.
    The mutual love between spouses is so strong that no problem should ruin it. Love is suffering, enduring, self-denial, and self-sacrifice. The love for which you do not suffer or risk to suffer is not love, and you can leave it easily.
    Those who get married of their own accord but who plan to divorce their wives when a small problem or sickness arises because of their wives, are not lovers; they are the greatest liars.

    Responsibility of being wife

    If you do not feel a passionate love towards your husband, think of her future, not today. Love your husband's future.

    A teacher does not test students about an issue that he/she does not teach. First, you should teach something and then wait for a response. Without answering their expectations, you have no right to demand something.
    Some wives say that they have been mistaken by their expectations regarding their husbands. After marriage, you cannot leave your husband by saying “I am disappointed” because you did not buy a household appliance or an automobile; you cannot try to change him.. Even those appliances have a five-year guarantee.

    Make him totally feel your love

    Many people who become aware that their marriages begin to dissolve and there are problems waiting to be solved between them think, “I have done everything for him but I cannot make him happy.”
    In reality, has she done everything for him? We cannot accuse the heart of anybody and we do not have any right to think that others are bad. Of course, if someone who wants to save her marriage says, “I have done everything for him ”, she may be uttering an important reality. Perhaps she has not done everything but she may have done many things that she believes should be done.

    However, we measure actions by their results. If you cannot find happiness that you have expected, it means that you have not done “everything” or “what you should have done”.

    Do not pay too much attention to sexual problems

    The aim of marriage is to produce and take care of the family. However, since those two duties are difficult and heavy, the sexual feelings have been given as a fee in advance. Allah, to some extent, has offered sexual intercourse as stimulus for a heavy duty like marriage.

    Since you start a family by getting married, you have to fix problems about sexuality like other problems. You do belong to each other and it is your first duty to make each other happy.
    You should make your sexual life orderly and productive so that you can easily cope with problems happening in the future.

    Show respect your spouse’s parents

    It badly affects marriages not to get on well with your spouses’ parents and relatives. The negative attitudes of spouses remove the happiness from the family.
    Sometimes one of the spouses or both cry through all their lives and sometimes not getting on well with spouses’ relatives ends up in divorce.
    First of all, you should definitely avoid generalizations.
    We mean this by generalization:

    The views like “all mother-in-laws are evil” or “all daughter-in-laws are good” or vice versa are totally wrong.
    Unfortunately, we have such prejudices about our spouses’ relatives.
    Each spouse respects and tolerates their own parents and relatives; but they are intolerant, disrespectful, questioning, and accusatory towards the parents or relatives of their spouse.
    Of course, it is valid for those families that have problems. However, there are also daughter-in-laws and son-in-laws who love and respect their father-in-laws and mother-in-laws as if they are their own parents.

    Read books about marriage

    Everything has its cure. However, the exact solution is possible only by applying the method of solution as it is needed. You are the engine of it. The real power and management are in your hands in the process of solution. You are in the driver’s seat.
    The problem between the spouses is the source of most of your worries. You should do your best to fix it. If it is necessary

    Note: If wives of the world start divorcing their husbands as they stare at other girls/women, then 70 % of all marriages will end in divorce!

    • With all due respect,

      This copy&paste formula doesn't apply to Bucks situation--just read what has happened and you will know/agree.

      As for respondents asking her to leave him, I'm not surprised at all that here you suggest "Do not pay too much attention to sexual problems" and on another post, posted by a man, you suggested he divorce his wife for sexual problems! I'm not surprised either. Here, the OP, in her long list of issues she is facing, writes "And yes I did become upset at other times when he would refused intimacy and had a 101 excuses." So, is it different depending on whether the wife or husband complains?

      The OP has already apologized many times to her spouse, they have been separate for 7 months, her husband cheats on her and is interested in other women, he does not show her kindness through her pregnancy or miscarriage and instead calls her manipulative, her MIL demands dowry and is upset if she spends money as their expectation is the OP's mother should provide funds and so on.

      Here, the problem is that the OP thinks she is the only one to make a mistake and loves her husband despite each and every thing that he has done.

      Though a marriage is not a rose garden without thorns, it certainly does not help to look at every marriage, especially an abusive one, through rose-colored glasses.

      • Thank you recovering, I appreciate your input and advice. I agree with sister Saba, I can't apply the above to my situation. I appreciate that I have made mistakes, the main mistake I made was that I would get argumentative and challenge him if I felt he was lying etc. I was persistent in asking for my rights and getting to the bottom of things. And unfortunately I would become upset and angry in situations where I was being rejected intimacy eapecially since I tried to talk to him about it gently and went as far as asking what he wanted and how I could turn him on -I put effort into it to make it as pleasing for him as possible. I eventually would become angry and frustrated because my efforts were fruitless, and that was the case with other situations also I just didn't feel like he really appreciated me nor took me seriously. Every little detail of our marriage was discussed with his family and their input clearly had a huge impact on my husbands behaviour - he told me to leave the marital home and then sent the text to his older brother (who is meant to be like a responsible father figure) to tell him what he had said to me to end the marriage and then went a step further and text his brother to not communicate with my family !!!

        I have Since then been at my parents house - he told me he had filed for divorce etc and this was 7 months ago - it killed me when he told me - I was traumatised and asked him to please cancel the divorce - he let me believe that he had filed only for me to later find out that he hadn't! I was so devastated when he told me about the divorce that I had a break down - my entire life stopped, I had multiple panic attacks stopped going to work and would cry day and night ! He then flip flopped for a few months, and has now compeltly broken off contact - I have no idea what he is doing or with who. He may not be doing anything wrong but my mind will think the worst of him because of his behaviour.

        I know I have made the mistake of becoming angry and a little aggressive ( this meant holding his hands tight and asking him for a response rather than letting him run away and avoid the topic ) and emotional at times. I feel terrible for putting him through this, I have empathised and realise that he might've found this very hard. I have apologised many times, I have begged him and chased after him. I know I should've given him space but stupidly I stuck by him - and ALWAYS tried to make it up to him before we went to bed. I never held a grudge.

        He would switch his phone off when he didn't want to talk to me, and switch it on when it suited him. He text me and told me not to come back to the marital home and he didn't want to discuss anything and then surprise surprise his phone was switched off so I had no communication with him nor did I know where he had vanished to. But I tolerated it - I did things his way because I was scared of losing him and felt everything was my fault ! I tried my best not to make him angry, but it would frustrate me when he kept telling me that I need to sort out my behaviour !

        He refused to discuss anything ! I suggested sitting down and writing a list of things we both dislike and what makes us angry and then working on ways to improve on this. I suggested counselling or going to the Imam for advice.

        I was not rude to his mum despite her requests for dowry and aggressively asking me to bring my wedding jewellery and giving it to her! Withholding the house keys from me. Controlling behaviour and getting upset and filling my husbands head because my friends would come to the house once a week for a few hours to study ! My husband getting upset with me because of this, until I decided to go and find other places to study to keep her happy!

        Yes I have made mistakes perhaps I pushed him too far - but he should also take responsibility for his mistakes and try to find solutions and try to empathise with me also - he never did. He turned his entire family against me, and then dumped me!

        Again I'm not saying I haven't made mistakes, but I am open to discussion and to finding solutions and working on ways to make the marriage work. He on the other hand has been working hard to break the marriage, or even if he doesn't want the marriage to work he or his family should at least have the decency to talk to my family and end things in the correct manner.

        I have even thought about donating to charity on his behalf so that he is rewarded for this, in case I have made any mistakes or hurt him.

        Sorry for so much information, I'm scared that him or his family will God forbid stumble upon this blog and there will be consequences for me - but it helps for me to write it on here.

        I hope Allah forgives me for my shortcomings. And I hope him and his family forgive me also if I have wronged them, and would just tell me why they hate me so much and work with me to find solutions for making this marriage work. But I have given up now - Allah knows best.

        • Sister Bucks,

          I am sorry for your pain. May ease your pain and give you the best solution for you.

          At least know that you did try your best, but as Br. Ahmed said above, marriage is not one-sided. Both have to put their efforts forth.

          I do want to say if he has been intimate with other women, this puts him at risk of STD's/STI's which, of course, is very concerning. Right now is a very emotional time for you and it may be difficult to think clearly, but I hope that you take time while you feel calm to make a list of the things that were good and things that were bad...and really think about if that is acceptable.

      • @Saba

        You are not Bucks, neither are you a Marriage Counselling Champion, so let her decide whether a copy-paste formula works for her or not.

        Its the article which suggests "Do not pay too much attention to sexual problems" and not me. As far as on another post, posted by a man, I had suggested he divorce his wife for sexual problems, it was a whole different scenario, the wife was deliberately denying the man his right indefinitely.. There was complete lack of intimacy for a very very long time (Sharia Islamic law permits divorce in such cases) & had sex with him only when she needed children in the past ( Are u drafting my responses in a spread sheet or its your memory which should be complimented..lol).

        In OP's case, it seems her husband is pissed off by her constant nagging & denying her sex when she needs it the most and that is his way to get back at her for all the nagging.

        By stating that she still loves him dearly and not ready for a divorce, OPs intentions are clear, she wants to forgive & forget her husbands misgivings & save the marriage,

        Marriage is not a rose garden, it is a huge task for different personalities to adjust to each other and to accommodate their different desires and ambitions, while maintaining their independence and respecting each other. Living together is not easy.

        • Also I guess u have a point recovering that my husband is denying me intimicay and had had enough of my nagging - and this is why I feel so gulity. But then it doesn't explain his devious behaviour and a random
          Relationship with another woman ?

        • So in the scenario where a husband looks at other women, cheats on his wife, denies her sexual rights with no reason, he should be forgiven if the wife is willing to ignore and forgive even if he doesn't admit to his mistakes or acknowledge her existence in the last 7 months? This is how I read your advice...whether it is directly from you or suggested by you.

          Of course Sister Bucks should make her own decision--but your advice isn't sound given the situation.

          Also, if you are going to make remarks regarding others advice without understanding why, then also do not be surprised if someone responds.

          & No, I don't have a spreadsheet! lol

          • @Saba

            I'm not surprised at all that here you emphasize her husband denies her sexual rights with no reason and suggest her divorce, and on another post, posted by a man whose wife denied him sex, you suggested him If you want to be happy, I suggest that you date your wife. As soon as people expect something like intimacy with no effort, it is gone and dead. If your wife says no, pursue her and flirt with her--just like most boyfriends do with girlfriends--really married couples should be doing this in their relationships and it seems we have it backwards! I'm not surprised either.

            Of course Sister Bucks should make her own decision-but your advice isn't sound and consistent either, when referred to your previous post, it smacks of double standards,sexism or gender discrimination.
            .
            Also, if you are going to make remarks regarding others advice without understanding why, then also do not be surprised if someone responds

            I welcome if someone responds to my remarks, I am aware many men and women need the occasional ego massage to boost their confidence.

        • Dear Br. Recovering,

          If this was about ego, I would never commend you on your great comments you have made on other posts, so please don't make it about ego unless it is for you.

          I would rather be wrong any day about Sr. Bucks husband than to be right if it meant her happiness with her husband.

  42. I know from what I am saying he sounds awful but he had good things about him too, and that's why I feel so gulity - I feel I should've tried harder to understand him and not been so pushy and demanding.

    • No, you absolutely did the right thing.

    • Dear Sister Bucks,
      Even the most horrible people who are psychopaths have good traits. The most violent and abusive people have some good sides. This is what makes leaving an abusive spouse so difficult or a spouse who exploits you or uses you. It is part of the game they use to keep you. Once in awhile they throw you a bone or something. Soon they condition you to expect very little out of a marriage. You are just waiting for the few times they are nice.
      If you let him treat you this way, he will only treat you worse if you stay married. It is good to have a set of standards as to how you will be treated by a man.
      I recently just divorced my husband who treated me horribly as you have been treated. Now I will never allow a man to lie to me or be dishonest, cheat on me and leave me alone my whole marriage. For me honesty is number one in marriage and I will not tolerate a man who is dishonest and lies often. How can you trust a husband that lies and cheats? While marriage is hard it should also be like being with your best friend, someone who you have harmony with and someone who respects you and loves you the to the best of their ability.
      Sister your self esteem is very low. And you do not seem to be able to see your own value as a person of Allah. I I have been here in your place myself. It was very hard to leave my ex husband. I am 35 and older then you and my chances for marriage again are smaller. But I am determined to stop being treated lower then an animal in marriage. And you deserve to be loved and respected and be with a man you can trust. I also will not accept cheating from a man. I want a husband who is loyal and monogomous. So it is important to set standards for yourself and live by those standards.
      But many Muslim women seemed trained to accept abuse and the worse treatment by men. Men treat women as if they are shoes and just servants and only good for sex. Men need to be trained how to treat women well in the Muslim world as well as everywhere. I am sorry to say this but from what I have experienced and seen Muslim men think of a wife as just good for sex, the kitchen and cleaning as a servant and this needs to change. The man thinks he can go out and has as many women as he wants , cheat lie and go out all the time with his men friends. This needs to change and men women also support the abuse of other women , not just men. Women are too obedient and obedience may be good to a good and loving husband , but it is not good to a tyrant or when women do not use their own minds.
      Sister see a counselor who can help you realize your worth as a woman and right to be treated justly and with compassion by a husband. Noor domestic violence has good counselors who can give you help for free and they understand abusive situations whether physical or emotional. Noor domestic violence is based in London and is Islamic. You can look it up on the net. Time will also only heal you. I know how hard it is emotionally. I have been there myself. Concentrate on your deen and your family, pray often and concentrate on your work or do volunteer work to help those in need. Do not let your abusive husband destroy you as a person and destroy your precious time on earth as we do not know how much time we have so we need to use our time wisely.

    • Dear Sister Bucks,

      I believe that Sr. Amy mentioned earlier on another post, that the most difficult thing about letting go of an abusive person is that they have good qualities--and that is always part of their charm. It isn't easy. I really do not think it is healthy, though, to put your husband at the level that you are doing because you are allowing him to walk over you even when he is not around. With a person who is abusive, you couldn't try hard enough and you would never be able to fulfill their demands.

      You have to think about what you are reasonably responsible for? If you are unreasonably trying to do the impossible and blame yourself for everything, you have to see that.

      I also do think it is possible for you to forgive him for what he has done, but that doesn't mean that you have to continue being with a person who is toxic to you in everywhere.

  43. Yeah, how dare a wife "nag" when her husband is oggling at everything in a skirt, even right in front if her? When he has haram relationships on the side of his marriage? When his family treats her like garbage? It is clearly the wife who is the issue, not the "perfect" husband.

  44. Sister Saba bravo on all of ours behalf 🙂 no one wants to be divorced or is up for it. The copy and paste formula only works when the man is being at least participating in the marriage as a husband. How can a marriage work if a woman is just running it like a job 24/7 without anything other than abuse neglect and no remorse from the husband. I have had to throw away my self respect my principles my everything to convince my husband to appreciate me. Which I regret immensely now.
    Its soo easy for people to just say oh try harder. A woman. Has her rights if a husband fulfilled atleast a quarter of those then the wife has at least something to hold on to. In no way does all that copy paste apply to bucks.
    Sister bucks I understand when you say he is not that bad despite all my husband has done to me I still mind it if anyone says look how he treats you etc. Forgive me if what I said earlier got to you I just don't want you to blame yourself for it sis. All you did was ask him questions which is your right to know. You are not a bad person sis you don't even have to say it I completely know the phase you are going through and I know you wish you were with your husband despite everything and that you check your phone all the time for his call or message,
    Its my 5th month going now sis being separated from my husband. I know how you feel.
    I too am very upset I though finally my husband had seen the light he was being such a sweetheart but again he brought up why iam not sponsoring him and bring him here etc.
    Its so tough for me my parents hate him because his actions show hr married me more for financial and visa gains and whenever I give in to his begging and pleading he again starts with the same old why I haven't sponserd him
    So please anyone new coming new on this board if you want to help sister bucks at least read her problem properly so you can give her advise her according to her situation. She is struggling fighthing to make a one sided marriage work with a difficult man whom she loves regardless.
    To everyone else advising bucks since the beggining uptil now JazakAllah everyone your guys advice is helping me too. All of you take out the time to monitor and reply sister bucks situation makes me appreciate my fellow Muslim brothers and sisters even more. I feel very strongly for sister bucks because her situation is so similar to mine I just want it all to work out for us in the end InshAllah.

    • Sister serenity I know it's not my place to say but perhaps ur parents are right maybe this man is only behaving nicely because he wants a visa. Make it clear to him that there will be no visa and that ur going to move to his country and live happily with him over there. Whose to say his silly second wife hasnt put him up to this or even his parents. You have the upper hand here play smart.

      • Sister serenity,
        I also found out this was all my ex husband wanted was for me to work and support him. He tried to take all my money as well and the money of my friend. He was a liar and I realized his purpose was greed and to get out of his country as well . I was not wealthy at all but he saw my education as an asset for im as I could work at a better job to support him. I do not know why this kind of abuse is happening a lot to women and men wanting their visas. But it is a shame and disgusting!

        • Sister Merva, if you have read my story, may I ask does my husband seem similar to yours from his behavior? You said your ex husband used you for his own gains but did he use the same mind games with you being all sweet and lovely for a few days and changing to being horrible when his motive would be accomplished. My husband always gave me grand treatment when I would stop giving in to his wishes but the moment I would warm up to him and he would get aggressive as usual.
          He stopped physical abuse at least so that was something I appreciated but how can I trust he won't ever again?
          The thing that kills me is the fact that it took me 9 years to get over the trauma of my divorce and loss of my son to my ex husband. When I was introduced to him I actually thought with how his own past was like mine he'd treat me well. I didn't care if I ever got married again but when I was given the opputunity to start my life again main reason being to have a child again I thought d give it a chance. Also I didn't want to be Dependant forever on my parents forever
          It all backfired on me instead of lessoning my parents burden of supporting me instead he dumped himself on them and our daughter.
          JazakAllah khair everyone for giving me advice too.

  45. Sister bucks, its your right to ask for sex whenever from your husband just like it is for a husband. If he doesn't fulfill that then what was the point of marriage to him. To still be celibate but fulfill all his whims and wishes. You are denied sex you are denied children. You deserve to do more than just nag. And he goes and has sex with another woman while denying his halal wife and you feel guilty that you shouldn't have nagged!
    Ohhh how these men make us feel like we are wrong.
    I used to feel exactly like you guilty all the time that maybe if I had not questioned maybe if I had not nagged but after some time I thought over it that wait why should I be guilty he's the one doing all this not me. You won't believe me when I say this when he noticed how I changed and stop behaving all guilty and allowing him to use it to his advantage even he changed. He actually stopped emtionally blackmailing me from which I realized he sensed I had this weakness of feeling guilty no matter how wrong he would be and he used to use that to his advantage.
    Don't allow these thoughts to take over you sis it will eat you up inside. Also sis from how you are worried about maybe you did something wrong shows you tried and you didn't lack as a good daughter in law or wife. You unfortunately ended up with people who don't appreciate the gem of a person Allah has given them.
    I pray to Almighty Allah their eyes open. I make duaas for you sis. Please remember me in yours too. To every sister above replying to sister bucks please make duaas for me and sister bucks.

  46. I agree with you sis and this is why iam still here despite all his pleading. I have made it clear to him I will only go back to him if its in his country not here. He agrees every time says he couldn't care less where we lived as long as we are together but the moment he realises I have let my guard down again and I have begun to trust him once more he starts this dialogue about coming here. what he doesn't realize even though I have told him many times is that I don't trust him and if he really wants me he should be happy wherever we live if he has issues then to clearly tell me so I don't waste my time even keeping in touch with him and just move own our seperate paths and allow me to settle here once and for all. I even gave him the option to live with the other one and to forget me that he isn't letting the visa issue go and iam not willing to call him over. But he's been saying that he does not want to live with her and that he wants me only etc.
    I don't trust his motives at all but he's made it so difficult for me he won't let me go or live with me without this visa issue between us. I am so stuck sis. Iam not at peace in this situation because I don't know where we stand.
    My dad doesn't want me to go back to him ever again he doesn't even know I keep in touch with him. I am just hoping he might change but he's wasting my time and my daughter is growing I feel if he really did care as much as he says then he would have tried to get me back no matter what and not waste these precious first few years of our daughter without him.
    He makes mighty claims that he loves her but he's surviving well without her till now. He has lied so much so so much I honestly wish he would just truthfully tell me what he really feels.
    I have asked him many times if he is still holding on to me for the nationality and if that's his reason then he shouldn't waste his time because him secretly marrying was the last straw and if iam willing to stay with him despite that then he should be happy as he is if not he should tell me so we can part. But he doesn't accept it he says he really wants to be with me. Its hard for me to believe him.
    Sis he drives around in the car my parents bought him my parents used to send me money monthly he has a good salary job but still he used up all my savings and even for our daughter my parents paid for almost everything. But still he is not happy.
    His whole wardrobe his mobile computer everything from me.
    And the other woman has a high paying job hasn't given him a penny till now.
    And now he complains she lied to him and he regrets marrying her. I think he realized I seriously might leave him for good so he's playing all his cards. He used to be treated like a king by my family while the other womans family don't want her even forget him. He knows he will lose out on the lavish life he has been living of I leave him. I just pray he changes. I truly hope there really is some shred of love for me in his heart.
    My poor daughter doesn't deserve to grow up without a father she's 18 months old MashAllah and when she sees my husbands picture she smiles and says "papa" it breaks my heart.
    I don't want her questioning me in the future why I didn't try for her sake to stay in the marriage that will kill me.

    • It sounds like he is just keeping you hanging to get the visa. You can choose to have no contact with him and completely divorce him so he has no chance for a visa. Do not let yourself get used and exploited. Listen to your intuition !!!

  47. Yes sis serenity , in your case it is so obvious that your husband doesn't deserve you.
    Despite your beauty,possibility of visa somewhere in future, financial benefits,becoming a father ,still your husband brought another women in your life. He is big No No.

    Your daughter will understand once grown up.

    Do you think it will be healthy lifestyle for your daughter where she has to deal with stress and conflict of having step mother and step sibling in her life?

    • I guess I am in denial hoping he will actually change. I have stopped all contact with him but I just don't want another divorce.
      He lied last year to me by saying he will divorce the other one if I go back to him and when I went back he changed his statement saying he feels guilty if he divorces her and that he is living with me and not her so why should I complain. He has 3 kids from 3 diff women a son from his ex wife before me a girl with me and a son from the one he married now. He left the first kid with ex wife. After my daughter if we are together well and good if not then not even one has he paid for her expenses or anything and the other woman's kid he's pretending that kid doesn't even exsist. He has not supprted either of these kids in anyway.
      I always think if the situation was as such that I didn't have such parents to take care of me in every way and the way he flaunts my house to his friends and all his mobiles and laptops from me he wouldv either divorced or left me long ago.
      And when I tell him that he only married me for money and sponsorship he gets soo offended and angry denying it.
      I guess I tick all the boxes of a stereo type abused wife who doesn't want to accept her husband is all that bad.

  48. Sister bucks, how are you feeling now a days?

  49. Sister bucks I don't mean to post my own problems on your question forum. I very much want to be there for you during this difficult time . I tend to get carried away while writing to you.

    • Sister serenity please don't apologise - you and evryone in here has given me good advice so I have no issues with you posting things about your marrisge in here as long as it helps.

      With re to your husband pls don't give in about the visa, I know this is not what u want to hear but he seems to have an agenda. He is not responsible, and it seems he will say whatever he wants to to get his way. So think long and hard before u go back to him.

      With re to how I'm feeling, well not very well. I feel very sad. And have lost hope of ever saving my marriage my husband has made no attempt to contact me. He literally has just flicked me away and vanished only God knows what he's up and with who. I was going through some old texts from last year, it seemed he did care for me and in his own way he was trying to make things work. I think I was a little too pushy with him esp about asking for our own place to live i even offered to pay for some of it. He did try in the beginning but it was words and no actions which would frustrate me. I don't think his family were helping esp when I said I couldn't live with his mum, they thougt I was too demanding and im not sure maybe I was.
      I feel bad that I pushed him away from me and this kills me. I can't live with this feeling.

  50. I think he just needed some time he couldn't handle the pressure. But even if I appoogise a million times for whatever I have done wrong he will still keep pushing for the divorce, not that he has filed for it yet - he's just sitting in silence. He said he had to lie about things because i put him in that situation I was too pushy and nagged, and that any guy in that position would have lied to shut me up.

    But it still doesn't explain his messages to other random women asking to meet up and only God knows if he did ? Or his interactions with the woman on his business trip and then not allowing me to talk to her to find out the truth.

    I'm so confused still, this guilt that I ruined my marriage is killing me ! Sorry to keep wasting everyone's time but this is how I feel.

    My faith is quite weak at the moment, and almost non existent, which I do feel ashamed about but don't want to do anything about it, my heart seems to have become uninterested in religion. But I guess what I'm trying to understand is that could I have stopped my marriage from breaking ? Or was this all destined to happen and even if i was an amazing wife he would have still flirted with another woman?

    I'm trying to turn to Allah but I feel so blocked from doing it, I feel heartless, I don't even cry anymore - I feel like I'm just in my own world and seeing evrythjng as an outsider, and this is scaring me.

  51. Also to the editors pls don't be angry or annoyed with me for posting on here, this is helping me and I am getting better but I don't have anyone to discuss my feelings with and it's heloing to do it this way.

  52. Also another fear I have is what if that woman was lying about sleeping with my husband. What if they were just friends but he did admit to flirting with her said it was an ego thing, but that it was one sided she liked him and not the other way round, but then why did he nevr mention her to me or prove me wrong by calling her and clarifying the situation. He said it would be embarrassing for her ?

    Pls help me understand someone I need help I dont understabd why he has done this - I feel awful. Have I misuderstood things. I can't take anymore.

  53. Sister bucks,
    Even if he did sleep with her and it is confirmed to you. He is not even willing to accept it let alone apologize for it.
    Despite this if its all confirmed then you still willing to stay with him if theres a chance? And if the answer is yes then tell me will you be able to trust him in the future.
    Its very hard sis. When a husband does this and the wife may say oh I will get myself over this issue but sis I am talking from experience. My husband always flirting chatting with other women especially the one he then had nikah with. It tore me apart. All I did was wonder where he was who he was with. He had at that point apologies and said he had left her but I couldn't get myself to forget it and move on. Every day was torture who he texted who he met.
    And this otheso think about it can you over come this? And if at all he cared even a bit surely he would somewhat express it now since you have been apart so long he can't just pretend you don't exisit especially when the things you guilty over like telling him to get you a house etc they are not things to leave a wife over. They are excuses made by him so he can behave the way he is. Of every husband got up leaving wives over these petty issues, all women would be living alone now!
    Sis you need to take yourself along with your parents to his place to clear it up once and for all. Choose a timing you would know he is at home else he will as usual run away if he knows your going to meet them.
    Its been very long sis and I don't want to say this but I think he just doesn't want the Hassel and ppl talk about his family if he divorced you so he's just left you and living on with his life. You must do something.

    • Sister he is evil and doesn't csre from I can see. I explicitly told him before he hung up on me to send me the divorce papers. That's what he wants. The family discussion has already taken place, his family are at peace with me out of There. Their efforts have been fruitful !! He is keeping me
      Hanging because he either doesn't want to spend the money, is plotting something else against me or simply doesn't csre and is waiting for me to file so that he can turn around and say u filed for divorce not me!!!

      His behaviour is unbelievably cruel. And it really hurts.

  54. Pls someone help me, please pray for me. I feel like Allah has abandoned me I'm being punished - pls help. I feel so sad. Why does my hsuband hate me and why does his family hate me? It hurts, I can't stop crying. I don't want to live anymore. I'm not scared of death anymore, I don't want to be in this world anymore. He's betrayed me so heartlessly. He pretended like he loved me that eveyone was ok but they were all planning to get rid of me for months and my husband was in on it. It's so clear now. Why is his heart so cold for me? I wish I hadn't asked him for anythjng I should've kept my mouth shut. He hates me.

    • Subhana'Allah. Please be careful with what you are saying about the deen. How are you going to more or less blame this guys faults on God? Like there are tons of evil people in the world and do you blame God for their behaviour? You do know this world is nothing and everything that happens is a test. I honestly believe this is a blessing for you as Allah saved you from an abusive relationship with kids involved and a very unhappy future. Count your blessings, he is not the only man in the world and to be honest this is quite an obsessive behaviour. I know he was your husband but come on, he treated you WRONG. If someone else came to you with your problems, you'd probably tell them to order a hitman on him! You came on this forum to get advice and every single person is telling you that he did not deserve you! Honestly you did nothing wrong here honey! He was put in your life for a reason and in shaa Allah it will make you a strong woman who does not stand for any nonsense! This will make you stronger.

  55. Get a hold of yourself sister bucks!
    Recite the kalimah and astaghfar.
    You are willing to compromise your hereafter for that worthless man. No one is worth dying over! Look at the state of you. Send him the papers so what if he says you asked for the divorce. This man is not good for you look at what you are saying all because of him. Once its over you will feel peace somewhat. He's enjoying himself and you are thinking about killing yourself over him. What he did he has done now. You can't change that. Allah had willed this to happen.we have no authority to question why Allah puts us through such tests.
    Please pray ask Allah for forgiveness.
    Do you think anything will get better if you indirectly complain about what Allah had written for you?

  56. Allah does NOT abandon anyone. Plz recite the kalima and ask for forgiveness.
    Why are you crying over someone who used you didn't love you to start with.

    • I have this horrible feeling that he and his family are plotting against me hence why they haven't filed for divorce. They are cruel and devious people and during the marriage they planned behind my back aboit how to get rid of me and to do it in a way that would place the blame on me. They emotionally tortured me and sometimes my husband was physical with me - he became aggressive during intimacy, would neglect me, pin me down during arguments, push me away etc. I would get bruised but I never really mentioned it to anyone I felt he did that because he was frustrated. On the one occasion Ih held his hands to stop him from running away or doing anythjng to me eventhough he was too strong for me it left nail imprints on his hands. I later found out that someone had taken pictures of his hands, of course me being so trusting of him didn't take any pictures of the finger imprints he left on my arms, and the bruises and swelling on my arms which I had to hide at work. He sent these pictures to his family. And I'm pretty sure that the reason they are lengthenin the divorce process is to find a way to harm me, and again put the blame on me. This is what they did during the marriage they were devious and plotted against me rather than speak to me and figure out a solution. I can't believe I loved this guy, he has hurt me immensely and has turned out to be a huge liar, cheater and deceiver. His faults have been convered for him, and in return he is punishing me. Why does Allah let people like this get away with what they have done ? Why is there no remorse in his or his family's heart ? Why does he want to cause me harm eventjough I have chased after him, loved him and begged him to keep our marrisge intact. Why is his family allowing him to behave this way ? Why did Allah bring him into my life - I have not wronged anyone nor have I had extra marital relationships why then has my world been turned upside down by a monster like him ?

      • Everything will get better now that you are away from him.
        Have faith in Allah He will protect you.
        How much more harm can they cause you?? If you are worried he will blame the divorce on you that you were not a good wife then sis you know that's not the truth Allah knows that's not the truth. No matter how good a person is someone will always look for a fault. And these people they don't last long these conniving
        Heartless selfish people.
        If you are in the UK or US then sis start going to a therapist tell them what's been bothering you tell them everything that's happened the whole him being aggressive and you protecting yourself once. If he wants to use anything on you then you will would have evidence beforehadn your side of the story what happened with you .The therapist woyldv noted everything down. You need to go to a therapist very much. Sis he can't do anything to you fear Allah only.
        Please don't question Allah. Its very much a sin and as I said in one of my earlier posts the reason you are feeling worse is because of this attitude of why Allah did this or why He did it to you. If you sit down think Alhamdulilah repent to Allah and sis cry to Allah weep tell Him about your despair and ask him to lift it off you.
        Don't worry about their plans. Be grateful to Allah he showed you their true colors. It wouldv been worse if you had children then that would have been a big worry. Because such people use this weakness against you.

      • Dear Sister,

        Allah swt said to Prophet Muhammad PBUH:
        [8:30]

        "And [remember, O Muhammad], when those who disbelieved plotted against you to restrain you or kill you or evict you [from Makkah]. But they plan, and Allah plans. And Allah is the best of planners."

        This should console you or anyone who is worried about those who intentionally set out to hurt them. The main thing for you to know is that Allah is the best of planners.

        Trust in Allah's plan and put your energy into making the best of everyday for yourself. If you keep putting your trust in people, especially those who don't deserve it, it will surely lead to pain, so divert your trust from them and put all your trust in Allah's plan.

  57. Assalamualaikum,
    Sis bucks, what's the situation now? How are you?

    • Sister Saba and serenity thank you for your kind words they give me some
      Comfort , I need to rely on Allah swt and hope for the best. I have let go - and focussing on myself, I still feel very weak and sad but at least I'm moving forward. He did try to contact me, but it was a meaningless text probably because he had a weak moment. I haven't responded becsuse I just can't trust him anymore. I'm sure it's another trick to hurt me or to perhaps tell me he is sending the divorce papers. He may find it rude that I haven't responded but I've put up with him neglecting and ignoring me too. Who knows , but if he really wishes to make things work one meaningless text won't do it. Pls pray Allah guides and protects me, and all those who are going through hardship.

      • Sister Bucks,

        You really are stronger than you think!!

        Amongst this feeling of weakness and sadness you can see that his futile and cruel attempt at pulling your strings will not work with you anymore. Avoid contact. His way of contacting you via text after such a long time is because he is a coward. He will pull the rub right out beneath you again.

        For so many months he left you and could care less about how you were coping or in fact doing whilst he was STILL your mahram and husband. Your pleas to save the marriage was falling on deaf ears. Where is his share of responsibility? What have you done to deserve this? Nothing. No one deserves to be treated like this, no one! He simply does and did not care about your welfare.

        Sister cling to Allah swt. When you don't feel like praying you make yourself pray. Even if you don't feel you're doing it right, you stand up and do your best and you will see that Allh swt Mercy will wash over you and take away this awful pain you are feeling.

        And to answer your question I do not know what I did wrong to have my husband treat me similarly. Yes I had my share of mistakes but I was truly remorseful and showed him that I wanted us to work on things together. Usually what he blew up about were things that were so insignificant at the time. This allowed him to prove his point ' that we were not compatible'. He, like your husband, toyed with the word divorce and flipped from one extreme to another so much so that in hindsight I believe he has some psychological problems. He was aggressive and very hurtful. Ultimately I had to realise no matter how painful that he wanted out of our marriage and that he never felt ' married'. He was a 'player' and bachelor at heart and that's what he missed. He hated he word responsibility. He did not like being close to me or letting me see who he truly was. He played a role that he believed in and I was disturbing his play.

        It's not easy being treated with such disregard that you end up feeling numb. I had to see a counsellor to be able to ' feel' the pain as I was shutting it out. That helped. It truly helped to have someone listen to you and help you allow yourself to absorb and feel what you're trying to avoid. Sometimes you have to go right through the pain and heartache to get out of it. It is ok to cry and feel the devastation but it should not take over your life. You allow yourself to feel but you also place it away and live. Little by little.

        I last saw my ex almost 6 months ago. Believe me sister I really felt love for this man, I was infatuated with him and had he been half as in love with me and a decent man we would have perhaps had made a good match. I still have days that I cry and I allow myself to. But I have come a long way. I can talk about it now with my parents in an honest way and when I cry I don't cry wishing for him back. I cry for me, for what I believed him to be and for what I have gone through. And I say Allhamdulilah for Allah swt saved me from a miserable life.

        When people used to tell me I would feel better I didn't believe them. But it's true. Most my days are spent feeling content and happy Allhamdulilah. And the few bad days I have are ok. I deal with them and they will inshAllah fade away.

  58. Salam hopeful sis,
    Thank you for your kind words - I do agree with you, 7 months on and im finally starting to feel a little better and the fact I no longer have the urge to respond to his petty communication is making me feel good again, I feel like I am regaining my self respect. He has a tendency to send petty texts after periods of no communication, I respond, he's nice, I go through the whole cycle of becoming attached to him again and getting my hopes up only for him to dump me again - and leave me chasing after him to make the marrisge work, me apologising because he has once again made me feel like it's all my fault. I actually can't be bothered anymore. I know his texts are control tactics - he likes seeing me chase him. He's the one who suggested we break off contact and move on, he's the one who hung up on me so cruelly and didn't bother to apologise nor contact me in weeks , and now he's the one who sends me a petty text, only to repeat the whole cycle over again. A person who would truly feel remorse would show this and he would show me he wants me back and wants things to work - he hasn't ! It still doesnt mske it easy unfortunalty but the fact that he contacts me has made me realise that im not a bad person, I've finally started to forgive myself - if I had wronged him he would not contact me or wish me a good eid etc. Obviously he could be sending a text to try to reopen lines of communication or to even tell me he's filing for divorce - his reasons could be genuine but unfortunately his behaviour in the past makes me assume the worst aboit him and his family.
    Also I'm going to contradict myself here but by not responding I sometimes feel frightened that even if he did genuinely feel remorse and want the marrisge to work he might find the lack of contact offensive and move on and I'd miss that chance of making the marriage work - sounds strange that im thinking like this but I am, but only occasionally.

    • Salama rolig sister Bucks,

      Communicating about your marriage and the state of it via text messages is cheap. Wishing you eid Mubarak whilst not having a clue how you and your family are is cheap. Does he not know that YOU ARE HIS FAMILY? It seems he drops you a line to see whether you're what he thinks of you already; needy, nagging, little self respect. These things are not true but when you respond you justify his actions. When you hold good view of yourself and standards he knows he can't use you emotionally to feed his ego. You prove him wrong by not responding to him.

      It happened to me. It allowed my ex to not take any responsibility. These men are somewhat disturbing creatures. They're not able or do not want to be responsible men, husbands. I had learnt my ex text pattern. Whilst not responding I could predict what his texts would say.

      If this man really wants to repair the damage he has caused to your bond and family then he knows that he needs to come to see you and your family. He needs to be a man and understand what he has done. It's not his family, it's him. He needs to want to change and show you how he will do that. And then do it. A person who wants to save his marriage and not let go of his wife would do this.

      But I would advice you to stay away. The moment you respond to his text, out of weakness, that's when you start the cycle again. And you will be let down and hurt further sis. Seeing that he left you so broken do you want to risk sinking further? No be strong and let Allah swt deal with him. If you leave it with Allah swt the burden is off your shoulders and you can continue healing. Don't give this man any time if he is not willing to fulfill the rights of the sacred bond he entered willingly and happily with you. Don't let him take advantage of you. He is a person of his own and can take his decisions like any other human being. Leave him to do what he likes. You just stay away from his circus.

      If you want to clarify the situation with regards to the divorce he said he will issue ask a male relative to contact him. I think this is a good idea. It helped me feel safe and made the situation real.

  59. Assalamualaikum,
    Sister bucks. How are you feeling now? What's your current situation?
    I'd like to hear from you.
    Take care
    May Allah guide us all on the right path Ameen.

  60. Salam sister serenity - thank you for asking how I am. I'll be honest and say not good, I feel sad but im trying to move forward. Slowly things are becoming a little more bearable but I still cry, and lack motivation. I am really struggling with my career I just don't have the drive. Also the thought of my husband and his family plotting behind me is a constant worry, I really do feel they want to harm me - this is their classical way to do it, become silent and then strike when they are ready. Also i am constantly thinking what I have done to his family especially his sis in law - I have treated her with respect but even she is an obstacle and causing a divide in my marriage. I am remembering the texts she would send my husband - tellihg him he has been working hard, he should go away and have a good time, or that he looks like a certian good looking celebrity - hugging him and just generally they had a creepy relationship. I can understand that she may think of him as a brother but even then I don't think it's appropriste to text ur brother in law, and have one to one conversations with him. In retrospect I think whilst I was at work he probably used to talk to her and of course the rest of the family about how nasty I was and how to get rid of me. He always sided with his sis in law and made me look bad. He never once sided with me nor corrected anyone for saying something that was Incorect about me. It's so awful but I am getting disgusting thoughts in my mind that they were both sexually involved too, probably sneaking around behind my back whilst I was at work, and hence why he felt no interest in me when I was home in the evenings - he had already satisfied himself. It's a horrible horrible thought but I can't help it, I hope I am wrong but I can't imagine why on earth she would hate me so much I really haven't done anything to her ?

    I guess it will never make sense why he has kicked me out of his life or why he hates me and doesnt want to listen to a single concern I have.

    How are u doing sister serenity?

  61. He just doesn't care about me he's so content without me, it really hurts. His entire family hate me. I really havent given them anything significant to break the marriage over. If I had he would have ended it a very long time ago, but I really haven't. Even if I have made mistakes I have apologised so much but he just doesn't feel any remorse not acknowledgement over what he has done wrong. I really don't want my marriage to end I am finding things so difficult. Whilst he is happy and content and has moved on with his life I feel like I will never want to marry again nor ever have any feelings towards a man. I wanted children, a house, a family the usual stuff but I can't see myself doing that. I have no desire to be married anymore, but I want my marriage with him to work out. I have this unrealistic hope that he will snap out of this, that he will realise that I loved him that I haven't given him a real reason to divorce me, that he will realise his mistakes and wholeheartedly work with me to make the marriage work. That his family will realise that I am not a bad person and that my husband has played a huge part in the break up of this marriage and their hearts soften. But none of this is happening and it really depresses me, and sends me into a panic. I dont know what to do or how to change this situation. I feel weak and I feel as though I will never forget him.

  62. It seems evrythjng about me that's bad is relayed back to his family - it goes past them and then they tell him how to respond to me. He has never made a decision by himself through the entire marriage. It has always gone through his family in a very devious manner.

    I feel sad thinking about when I told him I was pregnant - he still wouldn't tske me back, he told his mum even she didn't care. He wanted proof, he wanted me to show hjm a scan because I thought I was manipulating him. I still remember miscarrying, being in pain, he would pretend to care but he would swith his phone off when it suited him and call me with an excuse the next day. I begged him to take me back so I could be with him, I told him I needed his support, my husbands during the pregnancy, not anyone elses. But he didn't give it. He left me at my parents house.

    Why did this happen - I feel so sad. How can he not care about me, I am his wife. It's been seven months and he doesn't care. His family are so happy about it, why won't Allah punish them, why won't Allah put remorse in their hearts and make thrm realise that they are breaking a couple.

    I feel so sad

  63. May Allah ease your soul and guide you through this difficult time. Believe me Allah has it planned for you, just be patient. Nothing moves, not even a leaf of autumn without the will of our creator. When the time is right it will be revealed. If it is meant to be it will be only with allahs plan, If it is not then don't dispare, again it is allahs plan, he will ease your pain with good relief.

    I have been kicked out from my in laws and seperated from my husband and it's been nearly 15 months. My husband had an affair 4 months into our marriage and everyday was a struggle also living with the in laws, however I am at my parents now but cut a very long painful story short. You need to get some therapy and get out of the house to stop your mind from thinking. Please focus, these men are selfish and so are the families but you just need to ask Allah to guide them back to Islam and also to guide you to ease your pain. Allah is the best planner, you are not gaining anything by being sad or upset but more pain for yourself, have a cry for a bit then get on with your day. Read the book "Don't be Sad" I am reading it at the moment and it is heart felt and warming, ONLY ALLAH WILL DECREE YOUR FATE" so accept what is happening now and get on with your life, even if it is going out for a walk, go to see your friends ect, let it out but don't dwell on your thoughts, your thoughts will still be there and your fate is still the same. Nothing changes without ALLAHS WILL.

    Please sister, pray and lead a normal life and when the time comes it will come what ever is written for you. Allah is with you, call out to him. Your husband just like mine, charming, handsome and loved by his family but one thing is not loved by him and his stupid actions is Allah, until a person repents Allah will not change the will of his heart, so please my love enjoy your life and wait and see what is decreed in good time.

    I was like you, and I am still seperated for 15 months and counting, I thought of every trick in the book, every text, call to make my husband relise what he is missing out on, then after some soul searching it was me missing out not him and you know why it is because I put me first and the faith in Allah that whatever he wills will be right for me. I gave up believing in my husband because the person who is supposed to love you through thick and thin should not betray you and if the person close to you dose that then how do we feel? We feel a bomb has gone off.... But what I learned is to be me again, love me and believe in Allah. I am not scared anymore. Allah is with us always believe that and justice will be done.

    My last note to you is please leave it in the hands of Allah, an old saying is this " cross the bridge when you come to it" meaning leave it be and let our saviour Allah decree our destiny if it's with or without your husband. Just smile, go back into work and build yourself again.

    Inshallah Allah never lets us down.
    Sa x

    • May Allah ease your pain.

      Thank you for sharing your story - there is a lot to learn from it.

    • Dearest, I am sorry to hear about your story.
      I have read the book called don't be sad as well. Its a great book. I have read it many times.
      There's also the book by same authore called ' you can be the happiest woman in the world' these two books 'don't be sad' and happiest woman in the world should be read together. Wonderdyl books.
      Sister bucks see everyone have similar problems so please don't take to heart that Allah is punishing you or He is not there for you. Sister Sa gave very sound advice.
      Take care,
      May Allah ease all of our pains and trials Ameen.

  64. Jzk Sister sa for sharing your story. Your words give me comfort. It's taking me an awful long time to accept what has happened and im just not willing to give up. I'm just taking each day as it comes. I pray Allah swt changes his mind, and he becomes a better person.

    Anyway thank you eveyone for your support it has helped a great deal.

    Does anyone know of any successful stories of individuals who have divorced and then moved onto better relationships ? It scares me to think about life aftrr divorce - how can I trust anyone else? Also I'm finding jt hard to trust myself, what if I end up ruining another marriage. I just don't seem to have any intrest in ever marrying again which scares me. Also is it easy to forget about your ex once you re-marry? I just want some insight if possible.

    • Sis, it will take time for you to heal. And being afraid to marry again is natural feeling. OK so I may be 1 out of 10 who again ended up marrying a deceitful person but that doesn't mean you will too. Allah had willed all this for me. And I am happy in my situation despite everything because my sole purpose was to fulfill that void of my son being separated from me so Allah fulfilled that by giving me a gorgeus little girl Alhamdulilah.
      Also I got over my ex and I don't want to say this but I even got over the separation from my son. The pain eased away. Sister if the pain of separation from ones own child can ease away then don't worry. Your separation from husband will ease too.
      And look don't drive yourself crazy over how you will end up in future again. Live life normally as you did before you had gotten married. Its not a must you should re marry straight away sis. You suffered a lot. Allow yourself to heal. There is someone out there for you. Just ask Allah to give you patience.
      As I said don't think by hearing my story you will end up suffering again. That's not the case.
      Its all about how much faith you have in Allah.

      • Salam sister serenity, sorry I hope i didn't sound insensitive I definetly wasn't thinking of your second marriage just wanted to hear something good for a change. I think I need to send the divorce papers myself and just get it over and done with. I can't bring myself to do it, and I can't bear to receive them either. Pls pray Allah SWT guides him and softens his heart - I know the chances of this happening are slim but who knows, miracles do happen. I pray Allah guides him and helps him overcome the devil, and restores my marriage, and blesses it.

        • Assalamualaikum sis,
          How are you? What's been happening? You are in my duuas sis may Allah grant you all that you desire and make your husband realize your worth Ameen.
          Allah can change the heart of anyone sis I pray to Allah He changes your husbands heart, softens it may Allah guide Him on the right path Ameen.
          Plz make duaa for me too that my husband changes and his intentions change towards me.
          I have been in emotional turmoil myself these last few days.
          Its very tough trying to forget him. I don't know why after all that he has done to me. I still miss him. Its hard just forgetting his exaistance and moving on.
          I miss talking to him :(.
          May Allah put compassion in both of our husbands hearts and eridicate any ill intentions Ameen.
          Tell me sis how are you doing mentally physically?

          • Salam sis sorry for the delayed response I hope you are feeling better. I know it's difficult and I know what you mean about missing him but we have got to think about ourselves. We need to survive this and the only way to do it is to become selfish and only think about our own wellbeing. It's not as though our husbands are sitting there thinking about us, they are getting on with their lives with a smile on their face. They are the ones who have done wrong why on earth should we punish ourselves. Forget it! I have put myself through enough emotional torture, I still cry and wonder what I have done wrong. But actually they are the ones who have messed up, they have played with our emotions so why should we suffer. My parents, my mum and dad cry and feel so down because of my husbands behaviour - I can't bear that, what did my family do to him ? Absolutely nothing and he has disrespected them too. This shows he is messed up and so is his entire family. Find a new hobby and move on from him. If your mind is made up then divorce him and shut him out of your life so u can begin healing. If you want to go back to him and feel he will be a good husband and you can tolerate the other woman then go back to him, but get your parents involved so that he can't harm you. Don't sit on the fence, make your choice and then stick to it.

            I really do pray Allah swt puts remorse and guilt in the hearts of our husbands so they can at least understand their mistakes, whether or not they want to rectify them. Ameen

          • Sister serenity
            How are you ? I understand you must be having a difficult time, trust me
            I am too. I feel rejected and can't understand why my husband would Do this, but we must pick up the pieces and move on.

            I hope your ok

  65. I have read a book called '' Seven Habits of Highy Effective People''. I would recommend if you can have a read.There is a chapter called Begin with the end in mind. I would like you to read that. It says If you want to do something start by thinking about the end, the final consequences of what you are trying do, or what do you want to do. Thin about the end if you are comfortable with the consequences do it , if not then find a way out. Read this whole Book Highly recommended

  66. It's definitely going to help. You will feel as it was written about you and your problems. I felt the same. Also say your prayers and ask for the guidance

  67. Salam sister Bucks,

    I just wanted to give you some advice as I have been through an abuse marriage, and then divorce. I have read bits if your post and other sisters in similar situations and I get the jist if your struggles. Your words and desperations and indecisiveness reminds me of myself a few years back!

    I wanted to desperately change my husband and I was analysing every little disagreement I had with my husband to death! Everyone told me to leave but I kept making out to them that its my fault and he will change, his got some good inside blah blah! I was blinded by love. I just wanted him to stay with me no matter how bad! I kept giving him chance after chance!

    Now I look back and feel so stupid! I was begging my torturer for forgiveness. I was crying day and night for this person who couldn't care less if I lived or died! He was only using me. He had power over me! I gave him that power to hurt me over and over again! This is a typical situation of an abuser and victim. No matter how bad they are a desperatly want an atom of affection from them. Make our mind believe they will change.

    But the truth is they never change. They dont want to change. They get used to abusing us forever! If they wanted to change they would have changed the first time round because they love you and are scared of losing you. But there is no love here.

    Now few years on Alhamdullilah I feel so much better! Like I have a new life! No more crying, no more feeling suicidal. No waiting for someone to return or not call or not etc etc. I am in control of my life and my heart. I feel so much peaceful Alhamdullilah. I wish I divorced him earlier instead of wasting my time giving him so many chances! When you give them one chance and they don't change then you should relize they will NEVER change!

    If i left him earlier I would have saved my money and heartache and tears I wasted on him! Not to mention my health and kids! You are wasting yourself staying with an abuser. I can still get married now I believe their may still be a handful if good men although very rare that will not be culturally influenced and will marry divorced women Insha Allah. But this time things will be very different I will set the boundaries before marriage and I will NEVER let a man take advantage of me ever again!

    And I have friends who have remarried after a divorce and are very happy with their second husband and have forgotten all their pain. So there are definitly happy endings. If your not in a third world country then no need to stay in an abusive marriage!!

    As I always say a womens purpose in life is not to be a martyr in an abusive marriage. We are here to worship Allah not the husband! Please respect yourself and get out. Why not strive to please yourself keep your heart happy and be a good mother in the future by being happy and strong yourself!

  68. FINISH THE BOOK

    Do not lose hope. Oue problems start when we start believing that we have done enough, & we can't do more. This often leads us to regret. Finish the Book, understand it thoroughly and then decide what do you want with your future. I m sure a great future lies in front of you.All the Best

    Regards

  69. divorce him, and run away from such a sinful person as fastest you can. Otherwise you will leave your entire live in oppression from you in laws and husband!

  70. Salam guys I'm sorry to be back on this forum again but I need some sincere advice. It's been over six months that me and my husband have been separated. In this time I have given him his space, have apologised, have nagged, have become angry and emotional anything that I thought would help to convince him, and have really put 110% into trying to make things work despite everything. I have admitted to my mistakes and apologised. Eventually about two months ago I gave up and broke off all contact expecting that my husband was filing for divorce. During that time he tried texting me multiple times which I ignored - these were general texts of no real significance. Instead i focussed on my career and have made it to the top of a very respectable and successful job. After this I decided to contact my husband to see if he had reflected much and if there was a future. He seemed quite interested in speaking to me and suggested counselling, he said he had not had time to file for the divorce? However, once again the effort was on my part me calling him to talk and discuss things. He made no attempt to call me but was engaging appropriately in conversation when I called him. He spoke words but again there was no action to follow. Ultimately, overnight, he said he would be filing for divorce and that we should not speak further. This was a decision that he took after i called him multiple times, he was happy to sit and do nothing and speak to me every so often for a chit chat. I felt this was unfair on me and wanted him to make a decision about ending things or continuing. Anyway this was a few days ago, since then he has again become cold and uncaring, and pretty much ignoring me. He clearly has no respect for me. My problem is that I can't let go I really want to make things work with him but he is all words and no action, it's like life is a joke to him. He simply doesn't care. In the mean time I'm obsessing over my mistakes at the beginning of the marriage of being too full on and argumentative - but this isn't my nature it was a response to his dishonest nature, and lack of communication and discussion with me, and the ultimate issue of him cheating on me. All decisions about how we live, where etc were forced on me by him. I felt like I had no choice but to go along with it or the other option was to leave and end the marriage which I didn't want. His family are a complete obstruction too , they hate me because my husband has filled their heads with so much rubbish about me. He has been very disloyal to me and really shown me up in front of his family, but I wonder if this is because he was unhappy and found it difficult to talk to me? But the problem is that I acknowledge and try to understand what his issues are with me but the frustration builds up because he has a habit of lying and being devious, to me it seems as though he has a whole different non Islamic lifestyle which he finds difficult to suppress. He's just not open and upfront with me and just doesn't accept his mistakes and find ways to move on. Rather he focusses on my flaws and highlights them to me over and over again, things like I nagged and was argumentative but I only did this when I became frustrated that he was dishonest or disrespectful, or i felt that he was hiding things from me? But I have learned from the experience I am much more diplomatic and calmer and he knows this, because he finds it easy to talk to me. It's just I'm confused about his behaviour I think it's appalling, and his family is even worse for supporting and lying with him. What would everyones suggestions be? I really don't want my marriage to end Im finding it very difficult.

    • I think your husband is the kind of man who likes to chase women instead of having women chasing him. He likes the thrill of 'woman hunting'. He started showing interets in you again, because you have been ignoring him and his texts for months. But once you went back to your old ways of chasing after him, by calling him too much and seeking too much contact to him, he again lost interest. This man is a moron who likes to play games. Just divorce him already and move on. Life is too short to put up with childish games like that. Can you really cope with a lifetime of this kind of behaviour?

      You can either live in a marriage where you basically have to be aloof and cold, and separated, from your husband in order to keep him interested, or you can just be the one to finally file for that divorce.

    • Assalam alaikum Sister,

      I am sorry for the pain you are going through. I am sorry that you hurt. May Allah turn your pain and hurt into tools of wisdom and make you stronger and allow you to be successful in every trial you face, Ameen.

      Suppose, for a moment, that you were 100% at fault for the current conditions. Given that you have taken steps to rectify the matter and to mend the tears in your relationship, you deserve another chance and forgiveness, in the same way that you are forgiving him for his actions and desiring another go at this marriage. Now, of course, you are not 100% at fault and for a moment, we can forget about pointing fingers--instead, let's focus on what can happen. He is man, his own person. He has the right to his own choice and actions he chooses--he doesn't have to make good choices--in fact, we all have the right to make good or bad choices. You can't make him see what you see or fix what you want to fix, he has to want it inside his soul's heart--but, for whatever reason, he isn't where you want him to be.

      You are seeking answers, peace, love from the very person that stripped them from you--why are you doing that to yourself sister? Peace isn't always about knowing the answer, its about doing your best to best of your ability and giving your best to the capacity you can--did you that? If you have, and from your numerous posts here, you never gave up even in your silent moments, then you must accept that your power is limited.

      Some people dig out the best in us which sometimes is hidden and others, sometimes dig out the worst in us--which one did he bring out in you?

      This isn't the time to blame yourself, or, to blame him. This is the time, to talk to Allah swt, while your feelings swing to the extremes like a pendulum...but all the while, you ask Allah swt to bring you the peace that no human, no matter what, could bring you. You wouldn't search for a pear on an apple tree, so why do you keep searching for peace/answers/reasons from him? Maybe, just maybe, Allah swt, wants you to rely even more on Him, rather than someone who is, afterall, just a man.

      If you really don't want your marriage to end, you must realize that your words haven't worked. You can't become a robot...you can't force him. You can completely fall silent and wait to see what happens...but expecting justice and explanations from this person, is hoping for a fairytale. Whatever you do, you can always just wait and see what happens for a few more months so that you know you tried your best.

      All the best to you.

  71. Also he hasn't really given me a real reason to divorce me other than the fact that our personalities are different but that's just an excuse, he knew my personality very well before he married me. It's just that I didn't realise he Was lying until after the marriage, he also fails to admit or recognise his errors and seems quite arrogant about himself, and constantly puts me down and finds faults in me to cover up his errors, rather than sincerely trying to change himself. I seem to only focus on his positives when I speak with him but he causes a lot of frustration because he doesn't return the favour. He buries his head in the sand when problems arise and seems incapable of making a big decisions. I'm just really fed up.

    • I've read many of your posts, not all of the responses, but you posts only, and my Troll alert keeps going off.

      I'm a very cynical person. And the sheer length and number of posts you have put up saying the same thing over and over again makes me think you are trolling.

      He lies to you, his family lies to you. They want money from you and you know he dosen' care for you. You still love him and want to make the marriage work and don't know what to do.

      He hides from you, he dissappears with his phone off, his family ostracises you and you know he doens't care for you. You still love him and want to make the marriage work and don't know what to do.

      He lies to you, he blames you for all fights, you keep blaming yourself. Your family says get divorced, his family doesn't like you, you know he doesn't care for you. You still love him and want to make the marriage work and don't know what to do.
      Etc. etc etc...

      You've covered a lot of issues in your posts; miscarriage, unsupportive husband, dowry harassment, zina, other women, crazy inlaws, suicide. What's in the next episode? I don't think there's anything left, drugs and alcohol maybe?

      In the meantime well meaning people are spilling their life stories to try and connect with you. I bet you got lots of kicks and giggles reading their posts. Shame on you for baiting people like this.

      • Laali, I respect your response, as harsh as it may be. I also understand that your making some valid points. However, you don't really know my personal circumstances - I am dealing with my emotions ALONE, my family my friends have no idea about what is going on inside my head or heart they see an external stable and strong person because they would not be able to cope with my true emotions, hence why I have turned to this forum anonymously and it has helped. These people your referring to have actually helped me become a much stronger person than what I was when I first wrote in. Unlike you, they haven't judged me, and though you may get a kick out of other people's misery i certainly don't. So, thank you for your input, but I didn't appreciate the last part of your paragraph, and if anyone sounds like a troll it's you.

        Also to all those kind people who have helped and supported me through this thank you, without you I don't think I would be able to make sense of things in my head.

        • Dear Bucks,

          At a first glance, I thought that Laali was a bit harsh on her comment, however, no deny that she could sum up your situation in 3 little paragraphs plainly. It may be a slap on your face but there is certain percentage of truth. (I do not agree the last 2 lines of her comment though.)

          I know you are real and you are not trolling. By reading your lengthy response, I cannot help to agree with your husband that you nagged too much. A little spark of fire will jump up to your nerve. Then you may be upset and drag your mind miles away to analyze or explain the situation for yourself. You are a clever and a very sensitive woman with a strong character. I am sorry for my honesty and sometimes I think one should listen to the harsh cold fact as well. I know you may like soft encouraging advices and support from here. Did they not pour out their heart and soul giving you advices already? Did you not exhaust your resources/energy/time to save this marriage? Maybe it is a time to admit one's limitation. Let Allah to get in your life and take over.

          I encountered many cases that people keep dragging and drilling every single details in the hope of reverting what had happened. They were punishing themselves, they were fill with unhappiness. There is no blame on you, sister. You tried and you have exhausted your resources to rescue this marriage. Is it time for Allah to get in? Is it time for you to let go? Are you ready?

          • Sister k, I do understand what your saying. You think I'm nagging, I'm aware that it may come across as this, but this is my way to organise my thoughts and find solutions. I appreciate any constructive criticism and like I have mentioned before I have taken on board eveythjng my husband has criticised about me and have made changes and improved my character. The problem remains that he is unwilling to accept his flaws, which are also major sins, which would help us to save this marriage. I'm naturally strong willed and motivated and don't give up easily. I have been writing lengthy messages which I feel compeltly rubbish about now because i have literally poured out all my personal details on the net. That's me feeling absolutely desperate but trying to maintain some dignity and obtaining advice anonymously. Anyway, thank you to all those who remained patient with me and helped me through a very very difficult situation, may Allah swt reward you for it. Ameen.

        • @Bucks

          Please ignore the harsh comments by Laali,its impossible for these armchair experts to know your actual personal circumstances and state of mind while you are in midst of an emotional rollercoaster. Its a fact, some regular advisors here(by their own admissions) are either coming out of broken marriages,are divorced or leading a lonely life of spinsterhood, hence sometimes their frustration (with their own lives) clearly reflects in their comments and advices to OPs,I don't blame them and completely empathize with them.

          You have tried to restore the marriage in the past 7 months ALONE and failed, its hightime you involve your parents, relatives and friends, seek the services of a good professional marriage counsellor, visit them with your husband(if possible).

          I think your hubby is too immature to take an independent decision, hence its important that elders from your side meet his family and have discussions to resolve your martial problems.

          • To Recovering,

            Wow, how judgemental and degrading can one be?

            First of all, if someone is married - happily or not - or has been married before, they obviously do know just a bit about what it's like to be married, and which problems one might stumble upon in a marriage. Apparently, you are teh expert on abusive relationships, since you invalidate everyone else's advice but your own. Just because you are fine with being abused by your husband, doesn't mean it's normality and right in other women's universe.

            2nd of all, why are you talking about unmarried people so degradingly? For one, a person could have chosen for him- or herself that marriage isn't for them. It's a decision I personally and HAPPILY made and stuck to, until I met someone who was absolutely right for me. But if I hadn't met him, I would have rather remained single until my death than settle for someone who's only going to cause me headaches, problems, misery and boredom. I would not have liked for someone like you to feel sorry for me, or "empathize" for me. I empathize with you.

            Even if someone hasn't chosen to be a "spinster", as you call it - if someone is struggling finding a spouse, why would you feel like it's right to look down upon them and pity them? Talking about rubbing salt in it...

      • Dear Laali,

        I completely take offense to your comment because people in abusive relationships never find it easy to leave - to those who are not in one, it is so OBVIOUS, but not to the one who isn't.

        If you have ever had to leave a situation in which your emotions overcome you, you know how debilitating this can be.

        And in the case in which you may be right - many other people would benefit.

        • This is true Saba. It can be hard to leave. I understand the process Bucks has gone through. I t can be very confusing as well as hard to get out of abuse.
          I agree with Leylani that it is better to be alone then with an abusive man or someone who hurts you. Marriage should bring us closer to Allah and not be about surviving oppression ,beatings or emotional trauma. I would rather be alone until I find a good marriage spouse who is compassionate and caring and is a good solid practicing Muslim in word and action.

  72. Salama Aleikum sister,

    I'm sorry you are still going through this.

    I'm sorry that you're still chasing after this man and I'm sorry that you seek his validation of you as a human being.

    I will make dua for you.

    Take care of yourself sis,
    Hopefulsis

  73. Sister Bucks,

    I am sorry that you are still drowning in your situation. With 144 response including yours, I can tell your mind and life are over occupied and hurt by all those incidents.

    Let it go and let it to Allah. Don't take back the misery, let it to Him. Maybe you need a break, a vacation without internet and without people around you. Maybe you need a space where you can relax and pray and focus in Allah, Him only.

    You have everything and you don't need your husband, I mean this kind of character. Why can't you trust Allah has prepared something much better for you. He is waiting for you to get it. But your hand and your mind are still holding all those memories and unjust. Your heart has no space because it is filled with so many emotions, negative emotions.

    Sister, you are an highly educated woman with a strong character and a striving career. You don't need to worry to look for the means to support your life financially. It is a bless!! Read the post here that most women could not leave their husbands due to unstable financial status even their husband cheated on them, abused them, ignored them. Look, you have what you need, Alhumduallah. Trust me, your husband and his family are not worth it for you to waste even a minute in your life. You are going back and forth, why? Is it because you want to achieve a "perfect life" in front of people? Is it you don't want to admit that you made a wrong decision? Is it because you never fail in your life? As being a divorcee may be defined as failure in your community? If all the answers is negative, then, I dare you to try this: Turn off your phone, internet, and all communication. Focus in Allah even for a day or half. Just pray, read Quran. Whenever your thoughts of your husband come back, make duas and ask Allah to show you His mercy and greatness, inshallah.

  74. Salam Sister

    I have already advised you something and the I can see from your above comments that you are doing that thing. I know things are rough, scary and sometime all you want is a little peace of mind. you lose hope thats what happened to me. What I have learnt is firstly analyze your problem always BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND, that what will be the end if you will take this step or that, secondly proactivity is the key. For every problem there are two type of solutions short term or quick fixes which might work but they are not long lasting, The other is Long term. it basically deals with our own development. What I have seen from your reply is that you have become proactive, you also don't want to end this marriage because you know the end would not be the one you desire. So instead of quick fixes start developing yourself. Accept your misakes not infront of him but acknowledge them, think about the ways to improve your communication with him. Think about Interdependence
    Think Win-Win
    Genuine feelings for mutually beneficial solutions or agreements in your relationships. Value and respect people by understanding a "win" for all is ultimately a better long-term resolution than if only one person in the situation had gotten his way.
    5 - Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood
    Use empathic listening to be genuinely influenced by a person, which compels them to reciprocate the listening and take an open mind to being influenced by you. This creates an atmosphere of caring, and positive problem solving.
    6 - Synergize

    Once your communication is improved talk to him about a win win situation for both of you.

    I would recommend sending him the book i told you as a gift.

    Say your prayers and don't lose hope. Hardships & happiness both comes from Allah. It comes to please you sometime or to test you . Have faith if you really want to live with him stop thinking about quick fixes. Think about doing it nicely so the relation you will get in the end is everlasting.

    I pray Allah SWT make things easy for you. Ameen

  75. Assalamualaikum sis,
    I am happy to see you back. Sis, you are stuck in a horrible situation. I know what your suffering is. I have been through this dilemma as you know my story but what I would like to say is that, sis only hold on to Allah for your happiness, respect status, how the world perceives you. No human being can do that for you. This is sheer torture to yourself. If you dont want to file for divorce then dont until you are ready and if it is meant to happen it will happen on the appointed time by Allah. But for the time being dont allow this man to mess with you like this. Sis you are lucky in many many ways. You are educated not dependant on anyone for support nor opressed. I have suffered twice like this but still I have a conten heart Alhamdulilah because I always start the day with my forgiveness and thanks to Allah for all He has given me.
    Sis when I filed for khula from my ex husband and lost my 2 yr old son to him, I thought my life was over. I thought never ever will I marry again and I will forever have the void in my heart of my son. But Allah had other plans for me. I still cannot believe how I got married again in my circumstances and the beautiful daghter Allah gave me Alhamdulilah. Yes second time round I am suffering but no where near as bad as the marriage I had with my ex.
    I am seeing with my own eyes that my duaas are being answered. My husband is a different person. And I feel it I know in my heart he is repenting everything and he is suffering miserably. Sis all I want to say is that this is a test for you and you must pass it by being patient and giving your trust to Allah. Everything will pass, everything will inshAllah get sorted and you will be thinking back on these hard times and smiling at how Allah made everything ok for you.
    You need to properly let go of him if your heart cannot take divorce from him then dont. As I said in its own time but please dont throw yourself on the ground for him. Allah loves you he has planned something wonderful out for you inshAllah just have faith in Him. I know its so so painful and its easy for us to say because we are not going through what you are going through. Everyones problems have their own level of pain but I can say I can relate to your feelings. Ask Allah to make everything better for you. Recite the 99 names of Allah 100 times each reciting durood sharif before and after. Then ask Allah for guidance cry to Allah ask Him for forgivness.
    I am telling you all I myself applied to my self and what helped me through everything. You are not going to be in this situation forever. But for the time being please break all contact once again because this man is toxic.
    I am so sorry you are still suffering in this dilemma I was hoping for some positive feedback since I didnt hear from you but sis now i am sure this man doesnt even deserve. A chance he simply couldnt care less. Tou are not his parent to be showing him right and wrong or making excuses or ratinalising his behaviour. He is a fully grown man who pursued you married you for his own slef centerd selfish reason.
    Take care sis xxx
    I have you in my duaas.

  76. I would like to say, to anyone who thinks sister bucks is trolling is that please if you dont have any positive input dont accuse, because you are not sure are you? I have been through the same emotional hell I was in a worse state of mind and I know how hard it is. Even getting out of bed on a daily basis is hard work, having to cope every day with all those horrible emotions is the worst feeling ever.
    Please dont post comments that will prevent a person from asking for further guidance because they are being attacked. This forum is for people who have no way out. Please keep it that way. We are here to help not judge. When I say no way out I mean as in emtionally. May Allah keep anyone from being emotionaly oppressed.
    And if anyone is trolling then Allah is watching and Allah will handle anyone who is so insensitive ( I dont meant you sis bucks I am saying generally to anyone who does) because they might take pleasure in others misery but Allah can make that same thing happen to them in an instant. So please everyone lets try to help as much as possible. If only this forum exaisted when I was going through hell.
    Peace xxxx
    Sis bucks, whats your status now?

    • Salaam sister Serenity for your support. I'm honestly not trolling - i certianly didn't find joy from anyone else's stories, I actually feel quite disgusted by Laalis horrible comments! Theres no updates from me other than the fact that i am mentally preparing myself to cut ties for good with this man. I've had enough now - although I really want my marriahe to work and want to see a change in him I think I've given him more than enough time to at least attempt to reconcile. Ive had enough of racking my brain over him and wasting eveyones time and energy. Ive done everything possible to reconcile with him, ive respected all of his decisons, ive proven that I love him, and I've shown my loyalty to him despite what everyone thinks of him, despite this he still continues to behave like a child and putting me through emotional torture whilst he continues to live on as though I was never even a part of his life. Anyway, pls keep me in ur Duas and I will be sure to keep u in mine.

  77. Sister buck anyone who read all your posts can only give one judgement that you are going thru major heart break and are under extreme emotional distress.

    Please don't feel bad any further for sis Laali,s mistake in her judgement . Opening up yourself on forum is in fact a very brave step. In addition to help there is always a risk of getting criticism .

    As described in a book rec by sis vivacious BEGIN WITH END IN MIND, so when we put ourself on forum we should keep in mind and prepared to get hurt by few comments.
    If you notice that not only OP even responders are subjected to criticism and harshness over their advices and comments .

    Decision of no contact with your husband is very good plan for time being .

    Despite your problems you have contributed in helping others on this forum with good heart and advices. Please keep it up and be happy inshaAllah.

    • I agree, it is very brave to open one's self on a forum--even if it is anonymous.

      “To avoid criticism say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.”
      ~ Aristotle ~

  78. Salaam guys, I don't want to write too much so I'll spare all the details. I just wanted evryone to please make dua for me, this is just all very difficult but I'm going to give my husband what he wants a formal divorce - don't think he will do it in a hurry - but it's been several months and he has shown no real effort for reconcilation. Pls keep making Dua for me, may Allah guide my husband and his family, but if not then may Allah swt make the rest of the journey easy for me.
    Ameen

    • May Allah ease each and every pain in your heart. May Allah shower you with endless blessings. May Allah turn your difficulties into a means for joyous days to come. Ameen.

  79. Assalamualaikum sis,
    Whats your current Situation now? How are you?
    Take care xxx

  80. Salam guys I know your all sick of me writing on here and I promise I'm not a troll, I didn't even know what that was! I have spoken to my husband he wants to divorce and will send me the papers - but he has been saying this for the last 7 months. I spoke to him again yday - and asked him if he had filed for divorce - he said he had the papers and would send them to me and then didn't want to talk further and hung up on me and switched off his phone like he used to. Other than this whenever I speak to him about general chit chat he's so friendly and normal that he gave me some hope that we could work things out. He even a couple of times mentioned counselling but then changes and I really haven't done anything that I can think of to trigger his change of heart so quickly. I know it's been going on for ages now and im almost scared to write on this forum, but I just can't shake off the feeling of guilt - like it was my fault in failing to understand him initially perhaps I could have been more understanding. But I've been patient over the last few months and apologised numerous times but he still doesn't care. He hates me, he tells me openly that he doesn't love me anymore which hurts. Other than pleading to his family I have tried everything possible to make him understand why I behaved the way I did and that im truly sorry for it if it caused offence, and that im willing to accept any criticism and make changes which I have shown him! I don't nag him, I don't become angry, I'm patient, ive given him space, ive shown him that I love him a heck of a lot and am willing to do anything it takes to make the marriage work. I've even offered to help financially and reassured him that his lack of finances don't bother me we can work together. I'm tired, but can't shake off the guilt of my emotional outbursts in the beginning of the marriage, it makes me so anxious that I am the cause for the divorce. I feel really anxious and embarrassed at the way I'm feeling, but I can't give up on my marriage im finding it impossible to do this, and my husbands lack of interest is killing me. I wish I could just go back in time and do things differently.

  81. Dear sister,

    You're wishing to do the impossible. You want to turn back time, retrace your steps and walk backwards, make the water flow uphill, get the wind to blow in the opposite direction. You want to change the past but the past has already left you. It won't come back, it was in the Decree of Allab swt and what has happened would never ever have missed you. It was decreed before you existed by the Almighty that this would befall you. This was your test, your destiny and you are learning and growing from it.

    From what I understand you have worked tirelessly to help this marriage to work. But it seems to not be going anywhere. All your energy, thoughts, stamina, intelligence and work is being poured into a vessel that seems to have a huge hole at it's bottom. Pout all of this into your own life and future instead. A different future from what you thought but perhaps a much better future than you could imagine.

    This 'marriage' that you ' can't' let go off may be a bad thing for you all together. Only Allah swt Knows. Letting go of dreams and hopes you created with someone else is a tought hing. But when you realise that the other person never dreamt of those things nor see you in their future then you are better off allowing yourself to meet someone who can and will. There are so many opportunities out there. Don't restrict your world holding on to the ideal which is non existing currently.

    I'm afraid you may look back and regret only the amount of time and energy you have poured into this. I don't think you deserve to be treated like this no matter what you have done. It's shameful and embarrassing on your husbands part not yours. I'm afraid to say that he does not seem to know what it is to be a man.

    Once I got my dad and family involved my drama ended. My ex had to be upfront and make his choice and he did. He chose not to be with me. But now, after the divorce, now that he is writing to me asking how I am and whether we can be in touch in the future I chose to treat him like he does not exist. He does not exist in my present or future but is part of the past that has already gone. And the past never returns.

    You can survive this and be better sister Bucks if you put things into context. I saw a picture of a skeleton in the ground in the newspaper. It was Richard the Thirds skeleton ; one of the Kings of England who had vast amount of wealth and women. Now he only has his akhira to worry about and he's a skeleton with nothing but a former name.

    This world is temporary sis and anyone you take on or anything you do choose to do it in such a way that it brings you meaning and a means of closeness to Allah swt. Is your husband bringing you closer to Allah swt? Is he someone who will? Don't refuse to let go of things or people that do not belong to you in the first place.

    Stop blaming yourself sis. I'm not interested in when and how upset you became or what you asked him to do. This is from the shaitan, being sad and blaming yourself for being human. You're not a robot and the way you reacted to the stress was natiral. Even if it was wrong you've learnt and changed your ways. We would all like to think that we can be forgiven and not forsaken. Allah swt Forgives you as long as you repent and make changes. Don't restrict your heart sister Bucks and don't restrict Allah swt Mercy and Forgiveness. That nagging feeling that you caused this is from shaitan. As long as you think that way he'll hold you in his clutches. Do you really in your heart feel that Allah swt cannot Forgive You? I don't believe you do. And therefore I know you will stop this blaming game and move forward.

    I will make dua for you,

    Hopefulsis

  82. I would also advise you to seek advice from a learned scholar with regards to the divorce. If he said he is divorcing you on the phone to you the divorce, talaq, may have already been issued if it was said under the right conditions and if he meant it. The paper work is not the divorce. A man can divorce his wife by saying it to her even without a witness.

  83. I edited the above comment but it did not save:

    What is really infuriating is that when your husband tells you he'll divorce you and then promptly hangs up on you/turns his phone off he knows how distressing it is to you. After 7 months he must know. But he does this to you. What is this? Does a grown Muslim man resort to acting like this? It's not normal! This is not normal human behaviour. Something's lacking and it's not you.

    I'm not diminishing the importance of fighting for your marriage. But as a wife; do you even have access to your husband? Does he take care of you? Do you see him? Is he financially supporting you? Did he house you, even if t is a room in his family's home? Do you have emotional connection or intimacy with him? Does he know what you did this week? Is he looking out for your safety and security? Does e even know where you are? So where is marriage in this relation? How are you to act like a wife when this is not being made possible by your husband?

    If it's marriage you want then this is not it. If your husband has not listened to you then I would suggest you speak to your father today and stop destroying your spirit.

    I would encourage you to seek advice from a learned scholar with regards to the divorce. The paper work is not the divorce. A man can divorce his wife by saying it to her even without a witness. It needs to be clear to you whether the divorce has already taken place or not depending on what he has said. It affects everything.

    I really hope the situation improves for you sis.

  84. Salaam hopeful sis, it's so soothing to read your comments. Again im afraid to write back because of what people might think of me but its just really helping. Obviously once the divorce is filed etc then things will probably become easier as I'll have no choice but to move on. Sister he hasn't explicitly divorced me, he just keeps saying that we're over and that he will send me the divorce papers (legal divorce) not islamic. Even on this occasion he said he has the paperwork and will send the papers in two days, well that's not possible I know he once again has said something he can't deliver because it needs to be issued by the court which will take a few weeks. He's not taking things seriously and his coping strategy with anything that becomes overwhelming or difficult is to bury his head in the sand and disappear until things have calmed down, it's childish but that's what I've noticed about him. A member of his own family mentioned in the early days of marriage that my husband is not responsible and in passing mentioned that they didn't see why I chose to marry him. I didn't take this too seriously because I felt this person has played a big part in splitting us as well.

    Also I had given up on the marriage and was expecting the divorce in September - but just like ur ex has texted u etc my husband sent me numerous texts explicitly asking to talk to me and that's why I re-opened the lines of communication thinking he wants to make things work but I also eventually kept pushing for him to make a decision and this was it to divorce me and his behaviour changed again!

    My head is telling me divorce is the right way but my heart isn't letting me let go! I keep re-thinking all my past mistakes and keep forgiving him for his!! I regret arguing with him, if I had just let things go and been more patient perhaps things would have turned out better. It was frustrating because like he has done for the last 7 months where he has left me and hasn't shown much of an interest in my life even whilst I was pregnant, and makes no real decisions, he did the same in the time we were together he didn't make any real decisions, he didn't communicate openly, everything has to be his way! But this was him, and I failed to understand this, he needed to be handled a certain way and I get that now but he's so adamant to end things and the more I try to talk to him the more it makes him believe that he's right and im wrong, when that's not the case. I just forgive him easily and look for ways to move forward whereas he's held onto any past errors and wants to go separate ways. I am literally the only one fighting for this marriage, my family are encouraging divorce, but they have left the ultimate decision to me. His family are so unforgiving, I know that his mother has Given him the extra push to divorce me.

    It's just so distressing and embarrassing that he has so much control over me. I'm successful, educated and confident in all other aspects of life but this. Ya Allah Pls help me.

    • It's just strange to realise that he has no love for me and resents me, and it was only last year he was desperate to marry me. he kicked me out of the house after I found out about his little fling and blamed me for eveyrhing said my behavioir was terrible. His phone has been off since the conversation and it just makes me feel like there is something wrong me!

  85. Salam sis,

    I'm glad I can be of any help to you. Your reality is distorted. Currently everything is revolving around this man whether you admit it or not. Everything, every word, every deed, ever action and re-action is judged by how he took it, how he felt, what he did with it. This is a problem sister. Even if you remain married you have made this man the centre of your world. This is debilitating and unsustainable. When will it ever be about anyone else let alone you, your deen, your Rabb, your children. All your energy will be sucked away by this situation if you don't put a stop to it.

    For a normal person- the amount of forgiveness that you are giving and the lengths to which you are going to connect with them would make them at least chose to either try with you or leave completely in the right manner.

    What will it take for you to care about yourself? Yes last year he professed his undying love for you. Did he stick to his promises? Did he honour, respect or love you?

    You give him one too many excuses. He's not a child. His head is not buried in the sand. He can see what he's doing but he is CHOOSING to do this.

    Your husband could come and pick you up and take you home any day. He could speak to your family, apologise, commit to working on your relationship and let you both take steps to find a better connection to one another. He could tell his family to back off and let the two of you work things out. He already knows you want that. There's no doubt in his mind seeing that you have tried and tried. Or is there? You tell me sister Bucks: Have you been clear with him?

    Be clear and firm and then leave it with your family to deal with. Take some ownership of the decision you can make. Stop contacting him. Let your father make it clear to him. You keep digging your heels in and clutching into him, but this doesn't mean he'll stay with you. You give him chance after chance by again he's not willing to resolve anything with you. Words are not the same as actions either. The fact that he has not filed yet is perplexing since he says he wants to divorce. He does not take you seriously at all. Step of this bandwagon and let someone else who can deal with him man to man take over.

    Good luck sis,

    Hopefulsis

    • Hopeful sis I have made it very clear that I want to continue the marriage and that im willing to work things out etc. We've have lengthy and for me decent conversations about things that affected the marriage, and I've tried to make him understand stress factors and have not taken offence to him criticising me. To be honest your right, I'm clinging to a lost cause. I've tried hard, even if I have made mistakes ive tried even harder to move forward and make the marriage work. If I can forgive him surely he can forgive me too. He's just playing childish games. Who knows he may have made a more firm and serious decision to end the marrisge now and will do something about it. He certianly hasn't over the last 7 months except threaten me and then disappear knowing that I believe him and am distressed. It's a cruel game. He's now switching his phone on to check messages and the off again so that I can't call him! Well I haven't because I can't be bothered anymore. It's going to be hard but better to move on and try to be happy than to constantly chase aftrr someone who doesn't even love me.

      • Assalam alaikum Sr. Bucks,

        Perhaps you are supposed to learn a lesson here--the lesson of not giving another human being so much importance that it destroys you - the highest level of regard, love, respect is exclusively for Allah swt. Sometimes, Allah swt tests us for our benefit to make sure that we know who is our top priority.

        Sr. Bucks, you can forgive your husband, you can even love him--but you can't force him to do things that you want because you want it. If you seek to validate that you are worthy of love through another human, you will be dissappointed again and again. If you seek comfort ONLY in another human being and their presence, you will be heart broken again and again.

        So long as you keep on blaming yourself, even for his mistakes, and have strong desires to change the past, none of this will change and it will only hurt you more and more.

        The question becomes: is getting back with him more about proving to yourself, him and his family more about "I am not a bad person and I can prove it" VS. "not having a failed marriage". At some point, even bad marriages can destroy us because of how they control our feelings--maybe Allah swt wants you to get a hold of your feelings--because if you believe you can't change how you feel--I'm afraid that this test will continue further.

        • I have certianly learned my lesson of giving a mere human being who I knew for a few months to a year so much love and attention! I know I should have directed that towards Allah swt. It's becoming easier because I have accepted the fact that my marriage is over it just needs to be made official. That hope I had is finished. I don't think I had ever loved anyone as much as him, and had expected him to love me back regardless of the hardships we faced. I still keep blaming myself and it frustrates me so I'm working on breaking that cycle. It's like a mental block I can't see past my own faults, I don't feel angry with him, instead I keep emphasisong and wonderjng whether I hurt him so much that he can't see past it. Or the fact that I am wealthier and more educated than him has knocked his self esteem and i have somehow made him feel small because I kept demanded a house to live in or to invest in for the future, eventhough i offered my savings to help buy this. It's all such a mess in my mind. May Allah help me.

          • The irony of focusing on excessively blaming yourself and believing that you could make no mistakes is based on believing that you are perfect and able to handle all the problems of the world. In a way, it is very arrogant. By no means, do I think you are--I only am writing that to emphasize that necessity of breaking the cycle that you are in.

            In order to move on, you should acknowledge that:

            1. You are human 🙂

            2. You can make mistakes and inn shaa Allah, work on improving them.

            3. The most importance should be given to Allah swt in any relationship.

            Moving forward isn't about being overly hard in yourself. It requires being realistic, balanced, and accepting of what has happened. You can do it, inn shaa Allah.

          • AsSalaamu 'alaikum sister Bucks,

            I have been trying to write to you, but I always find that you got excellence responses already, especially the last two by sister Saba, mashaAllah.

            I strongly believe that you are doing the right thing by giving up on this marriage. From a man perspective, I don't think your husband is going to change. You are going to hurt much more if you try to fix things while he isn't on the same page with you.

            Definitely, it may be hard initially to believe that he isn't the right man for you, until you step outside your relationship and see your situation from a different perspective--if sister Hopefulsis was able to do it successfully, mashaAllah, then you can also do it inshaAllah.

            It's better to divorce him and spend much time healing now, than to wait until you see the end of the story, where things could become much worse and difficult for you.

            May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala ease your situation, and guide you to what is best for you in this life and the next. Ameen!

  86. Sister Saba that's an excellent point! Very well said. I think it's because I feel that my mistakes cost me my marriage that's what i find extememly hard to deal with. But I guess if my husband really cared he would have forgiven and forgotten by now and moved on with the marriage. I'm actually tired of chasing aftrr him now, I don't care anymore which is actually a peaceful feeling.

    • Dear Sister Bucks,

      I am glad you are feeling more peaceful--may it be long-lasting, inn shaa Allah.

      Remember, good people do not necessarily get only good in this world and similarly bad people do not get only bad in this world. Had that been the case, there would never be a Day of Judgement. So, some people make bad mistakes and it costs them nothing and others make fewer or no mistakes and it costs them everything. This is the test of the dunya where cost is not always directly related to one's actions. The one who loses everything in the dunya, but still feels content, peaceful and fulfilled with the remembrance of Allah swt is the one who is blessed. May Allah bestow upon His Mercy to be content with His remembrance alone, Ameen.

  87. You guys have been really good to me on this forum. I always try not to write on here because I realise that it must get annoying but it helps me so much. At home i am putting up a front because my parents literally cannot take my pain they become unwell, my siblings become angry and in front of my friends it's embarrassing. I feel trapped.

    I am trying to distract myself every minute of the day with something useful to occupy my mind. But I still wake up every night panicking and guilt ridden. I turn to Allah but I keep re-running all my mistakes in my mind. I am not saying I'm perfect but my one and only mistake as a wife was that I became very emotional and often angry. We had our Nikkah a few months before we moved in together, the idea was to sort out living arrangements etc before we moved in after the big wedding reception. We didn't have any major problems prior to this because I believed eveyrhing my husband told me, I was content and trusted him fully. I had put across my expectations from the marriage quite bluntly before the marriage in terms of how I wanted to live, that he should be able to take on the financial burden and not have to rely on me, I was also training up for a brilliant, well respected and successful job - I had worked hard for ten years and had a year left to go. The training was important and he had agreed to move and live close by to my training placement for a year after which I promised to move anywhere of his choice. But after the Nikkah he changed, it was me who had to compromise and change my training so that he could live where it was convenient for him - I was angry but suppressed this and compromised at the risk of completely wrecking my training and failing my exams which is exactly what happened, but alhamdulillah I was given a second chance! Anyway despite so many months my husband couldn't organise a place for us to live until a few months after the wedding reception, and this drove me crazy as I found it irresponsible and pathetic for a man! Above all this because he felt I was nagging him about living arrangements - again I had made it clear that I wanted to live in my own home, or rental for a short while so that we had our freedom, privacy and control over the situation as newly weds. Instead, my husband didn't organise anything in time so We ended up going from hotel to hotel, then spent a few weeks at his brothers home where I literally couldn't let my hair down and enjoy being married because there were non mahrams in the house but I still bonded with his family and was respectable but deep down I resented my husband for being so irresponsible, especially since he had lied about owning the property we were due to move into as well as neglecting intimacy in the bedroom because he felt uncomfortable doing anything in his brothers home! This drove me nuts because it was his fault we ended up there!!

    Anyway having said all this my guilt stems from the fact that I should have tried to be more diplomatic, I have learned this the hard way. It got to a point where I became annoyed and was pretty straight talking towards my husband and his denial of lying and lack of empathy and neglecting physical intimacy despite me constantly asking for it and telling him that he's not meeting my needs made me so frustrated with him. I became angry with him and this led to many many arguments, I just felt irritated that he didn't seem to care about my feelings - he always got his way! And still does. This divorce is what he wants, not me, I want solutions because I know the marriage can work if he empathises and compromises.

    I feel I should have had more patience and realise that he actually had no money hence why he was struggling with pretty much everything. He was reliant on his family, and hadn't really discussed this with me. I came to find out much later on. Had I known this before the marriage i would not have nagged him to buy a place to live, or to take on the financial burden of marriage. I would have understood and supported him. But as far as I was aware he had savings, and he had agreed for us to buy a place together and I was encouraging him to use my savings as well to buy a nice property for us to live in, and for his mother to join us because that's what he wanted. I couldn't understand his lack of enthusiasm or delay in investing in a place for us to live!! I now understand that the main reason he wanted to live with his mother was probably because he couldn't afford to live alone, and according to his brother couldn't afford a mortgage either! I offered to take out a joint mortgage - I was earning a generous salary so could defintly afford it, and I already had a home which again I offered for us to live in but he refused! I feel sorry for him. And I feel guilty that I got so angry with him at times and feel perhaps this is what led to the break up of the marriage. He also seemed incapable of making his own decisions hence why he would discuss everything with his family and they started resenting me too, esp his mum who gave me a really hard time, I tried to build a bond with her and love her but the words and actions were would hurt me, I tried to discuss this with my
    Husband but instead of understanding he would always have an excuse for his mum and make me feel like I was in the wrong.

    Anyway ultimately when things got out of control, I spoke to my father in law who told me that my husband had no savings, and that my father in law had to pay for the wedding - my husband told me he had paid. Despite this I tried to offer help financially to my husband I tried to reassure him and said money didn't bother me i have savings and i can work and we can build up from there but my husband just didn't care. He focuses on my negative points and the arguments and blames me for everything. He says I ruined the sweetness of marriage due to the arguments. And thjs makes me feel so gulity, I should have been more patient and more understanding. By the time I understood the situation we had already had a few months of discord. But when I realised I learned to control my emotions, things started to improve but eveyrhing was shattered complelty when I discovered he had cheated on me. I tried so hard but I couldn't control my anger I was so upset. I fought with him through the night. I cried and felt despair. Again I should have been more contained. My husband and his family used this as an excuse to tell me to leave the house after which they wouldn't let me back. My husband flip flopped a million times during the last 7-8 months giving me hope of reconciling and then going the other way. He has threatened me with me with divorce recurrently and has led me to believe that he has filed for it when in reality he hasn't. Why would someone do this ? Is he trying to punish me for hurting him ? I feel like I must have been very hurtful to him hence why I feel so gulity and him and his family hate me so much.

    This has turned into another long lost and im sorry for that. This will be the last one, I promise.

    • I just can't help but think of all his good qualities we were both content with each other leading up to the Nikkah and straight afterwards, we would meet often and talk frequently over the phone, its just when we moved in togehter and I realised that he was all words and no action so things went pear shaped. But I just feel I pushed him to be like this. I don't know what's wrong with me im finding it hard to understand the situation.

      • Bucks, I'm going to close your post now. There are 180 comments on this post. Meanwhile, we have many other people who are waiting for their questions to be answered. I hope that you received some good advice, and that you will be able to find peace and happiness, Insha'Allah.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  88. Sister ,

    You are the only right person to decide what you want now as you have experienced this for long . So take your own decision without any influence from members on this forum ...May Allah make it easy for you .

    Allah hafiz