Stuck in my marriage, want a divorce from my emotional abusive husband
"Husband should feed his wife whenever he eats and cloth her, whenever he cloths himself, that he not hit her in face, that he not call her ugly and that he not boycott her except within the house" (Ibn Majah)
Assalam O Alaikum,
I have noone and nowhere to tell and ask for advices. I feel terribly lonely and helpless. I am a convert and married an Arab husband about 13 years ago. I do not know where to start my problem as it seems it has been embedded for years.
We have 3 children and live in America right now. My husband is a highly educated person but with anger issues. He is so good in using logic and language, there is no way that one can reason with him. He weighs everything on the benefit of his side. His motto is: what is in it for me? For him, everything can be measured and there is nothing called altruism. His assumption is people are selfish and lazy. Everything people do has a hidden agenda and motive. His religious is the one who can save the human from being in the stage of selfishness. His fear of Allah is out of being sent to hell.
He did everything “right” – prays five times a day, fasts not only in Ramadan, donate the portion that he needs to (never more, never less), give money to his mother monthly (out of fear that his mother will not pray for him). He is just so robotic and binds to the law and rules of Islam. One thing he always mentions is if he were not a Muslim, he would have indulged in sex, drug and alcohol. He praises his religion so much for stopping him doing such a thing. I do not understand why it has to be extreme that either he has to choose be a bad guy or good guy.
I have so many friends from my country that they do not have religion but live their life fully by volunteering in the society and living in a happy and productive life. They surely know what is right or wrong out of their consciousness and their moral/ education background. Sometimes, I think Islam may be fit to those people who may go to an extreme astray life, I wonder?
He belittles women in general, calling them lots of name. I do not feel respect and love from him anymore. I feel disgusted by sleeping next to him. I feel suffocated.
One thing I want to do is a divorce. I want to breath, I want freedom. I am sorry to say that, I am reaching to the point that I hate being married to a Muslim man and being a Muslim. I know Islam is the right religion but I just hate seeing so many men using it as a means to control women mentally and physically. When my teenager daughter said to me that she would never going to choose a Muslim man or at least not an Arab Muslim or a “religious one”.
I know my relationship with my husband is affecting her unconsciously already. She would even suggest that we should leave him behind as he does not deserve respect from us. Unfortunately, it appears to me that my husband’s character is not an uncommon around the Arab community where I live. But most Arab women choose to tolerate this kind of disrespectful behavior (shouting in bad language, being confined at home, not allowed to mingle with friends.) I cannot share with those sisters about my situation as they will look at me as a “rebellious one” or not religious enough to depend to Allah. Their endurance level is so high that I do not have.
Sure, he provides food and shelter in the family. According to him, love is abstract and cannot be measured but food and shelter can. Other than that, he will play with the children whenever he wants and he feels like. If he has a bad mood, he will shout and shut the children out. He will never take the children to a park or just walk outside. Whenever the children do something wrong, he will shout and say some harsh comments, like f**king idiot. He watched TV a lot and some of them are not appropriate even for Muslim. He will just hush the children to their room. He watched pornographic movie on the computer. Ironically, he prays, fasts twice a week and in Ramadan. He robotic-ally follows every steps of a Muslim should do. I have to admit, I cannot bear seeing him praying. Even my daughter would say that Allah would turn his face away from him.
Unfortunately, my husband thinks he makes no mistakes. He measures it by his acts, such as he pays the bills, he does not fool around, he does not drink or gamble, he pays his mom on time even though they have a very bad relationship. He blamed his parents for things in the past. He shouted at his mother in front of the children. I saw his mother crying all the time. He knows he cannot go to heaven if he does not get his mom’s prayer. He will suspect his own shadow. He does not trust anyone and he is so arrogant that he thinks everyone is idiot.
We have lots of daily conflicts because of different views towards life. From the smallest thing like doing volunteer work or helping my friend to look after their kids occasionally to when can I go back to work. He is against all these and says women should place their family first and don’t let people taking advantage of our time. He is so selfish to the level that he will not let me giving a sister ride. His reason is: don’t let these people depend on you and burden you.
Last straw came a few weeks ago. He told me to pack my back with my children. He shouted at me in front of the children and said the only way to shape me up is to send me back home. Instead of criticizing him or demanding him for anything (which I don’t. I bought all my things in goodwill, my whole house is used furniture). He forced me to book the flight tickets and stayed in my country for half a year. Then I “WILL THANK” him for what I have now.
Inside my heart, I hate him so much. I really wanted to leave. But my children do not speak the language in my country. I do not have money to send them to international school. I left my country for more than 20 years even though I visited once a while. I used to have a very good job there but because of him, I left my country. I can definitely live alone but not with 3 children. He even threatened that he would pull all my paper in the US government, so I do not have an identity to come back.
I swallowed all the insults, I stayed low. I swear, once I get my paper work, I will leave. I want to leave everything behind. But I have my children, what can I do? Now, I am trying to apply some jobs but the economy is so bad and it is not easy. I swear I wanted to leave him so bad. I feel so painful and sorrow everyday when I hear him shouting. I so regret that I married a man like him. My daughter constantly asks me why I chose him, why I chose a heartless person. My children will choose to leave him behind except they know they cannot survive in my country. My son may still lean to him as he is in a stage of seeking father figure. But honestly, my husband discouraging words and strong language always put him down. My son feels that his father is so powerful because he has money and he is so knowledgeable because of his job. I am scare that my son will take his father's persona.
His negativity towards everything is really affecting me. All I wish is Allah punish him by giving him a disease or some accidents. This is so evil of me inside. I want to be a better person. I want to move away from him and start a new life. But how I can do it? I am really depressed.
Please advice,
Hilly.
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Walaikum assalam,
Don't wait to be a better person, be a better person now - be happy with what you have there are billions who have it much worse.
Also instill the same values in your children as well to be content with what they have.
Sorry i am not going to sugarcoat anything, for the most part your husband does seem like a reasonable person with a few lapses here n there and to be honest you haven't said anything about how your attitude and disapproval of his thoughts could be a catalyst in his misbehaviours.
Thank Allah swt for the good that you see in him (like responsibility towards his wife, kids and mother) and pray to Allah swt to guide him more.
If he doesn't do anything haraam due to the fear of Allah swt, i believe he is spot on!
At the end of the day, you seem quite knowledgeable yourself and if the pros had not outweighed the cons, you would have already left instead of asking for ""advice"".
Summary: Enjoy what you have now and thank Allah swt for it. Life in its real terms will begin after you die.
and Allah swt knows best. May Allah swt guide us all aameen.
Salamun Alaikum
Saqib
i soo disagree with u!
he's not God fearing, he's Hell-fearing!
Subhanallah this phrase describes all. I dont find any good traits in ur husband.. offering salah, zakat this doesnt make anyone god fearing these are habits of muslim and being blunt arabs are just namesake muslims.. ( am not criticizing all but am speaking with statisticsts and the experience gained living in arab countries ,they torture and use reverts for nationalities, lust etcc) there are many instances which i saw in person back in austrailia where arabs just engage the reverts and after some years leave them stranded living in haram realationship of just being engaged and on other hand the reverts assimilate that she is married
Your biggest mistake was to believe that arabs KNOW ISLAM
What is there for her to enjoy?
You sounds exactly like him - be content of what you have. I witnessed what he said to his mom while her visit to US from her country. He said, to his mom, "you don't speak against me in MY house, I AM THE ONE who put food on the table. Be content with what you have." His mom cried and refused to eat for two whole day.
His mom came to visit me not HIM, that opinion was from his mom. His mom commented that she was glad that the children were not like him and she did not find a single charater / traits like her son. She said "Alhumduallah". She worried about my son when he grows up as the father has a tremendous impact to his upbringing. She also worried about my well-being to be in this marriage. She, the mother of her own son. Of course, her advice is to be with the children, for the children sake.
I do my job good. I cook and clean and my children are all As student in the school. But as they grow, I can see that they are not as happy as before especially my daughter. They start to aware of what is going on in their family. They are not allow to speak about at all. They admire others for something like going to a park with their family!
Sure, he provides food and shelter, is that all human should ask. How about respect, how about dignity? Maybe I am not like those women who would cook all day, homebound, and please whatever she can. I am an individual with feelings, I cannot treat him if he does not treat me with respect.
He, as a muslim when he comes back home without greet us "salam". He kicked my little one from his back who is 7 years old while he was performing a Salat. The reason for my husband kicking him was my son was wearing a short praying. He could have told him when he finished his salat. But kicking him from the back and scolded him that Allah would not listen to him because of his shorts!!!! What kinds of logic is that?
He will shout to my daughter to get him a cup of water while he was watching TV. Everytime when he comes back from work, our whole family is on guard. Noone is happy.
He will go out without telling anyone as it is his business and noone should ask. But we need to inform him everything we do.
Please tell me, am I suppose to be content with this so called muslim man?
Asalaam alaikum,
By treating his mother the way he has, that in itself is enough to burn him in Hell. Kicking his son during salaah? I hope he enjoys the Hellfire for that too, as he just purposely and meanly disrupted a servant worshiping Allah (swt). Since a child of that age is without sin, your husband just committed a great one. Allah (swt) accepts the child's prayer and I have heard scholars say that modestly longer shorts are acceptable to be worn in prayer.
After reading everything you posted, your husband is a sham. All the outwardly acts don't amount to anything and overshadow, perhaps even destroy, any of his fasting, prayers or deeds. He is not only a boar, but a coward.
So let's get some information to help you leave this person, because there's no use in putting up with someone who treats his family this way and whom you hate.
What is your visa or citizenship status?
How long have you lived in the States and is there anyone who may be able to help you? For example, someone with an extra house or room like another single sister who may need your help, too.
Do you know how to apply for social benefits in your State?
Do you have any family in the States, Canada or in another English speaking country?
Do you have any savings at all?
Has he fully paid your mahr?
Have you talked to his mother, if she is willing to help you leave him?
Have you talked to your parents about this?
Have you thought about going to a woman's shelter? The child abuse is enough to get you in, not to mention, getting your husband arrested.
Let us know, and we'll try to help.
should you really be wishing for any human to enter the hell fire, let alone a Muslim?
even the sister who has endured all the pain does not wish for him to ENTER into the hell fire, so whats with all the feminine emotions?
apart from bashar al assad and co, we shouldn't be wishing for people to enter the fire.
You' re trapped, like me. My husband is so angry at his father and he empties all that anger on me, and even though I work and mostly do EVERYTHING in the house and he cannot even wash a plate or pick up his socks from the floor, I'm a useless b****h, not even a woman.
Did I mentioned that he's Muslim and I'm not?
Leave him. Or force him to get anger management counseling.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I'm sick of these excuses all the time from people, okay nobody is perfect but in no way do men have the right to do this to women and i'm so sick of it, my heart goes out to you sister and it seems you are completely unhappy, whats the point of staying in a marriage like this its not a marriage its a joke, its not a joke its a hurtful living arrangement, even to the point of ur daughter even noticing it too, i wish the best to u sister, allah bless you and be with u
Shelter/clothes/food can be provided to a woman by her father and/or brother--so what then is important about a woman getting married? A husband should provide love and emotional support that ONLY he could give--so, this one very important need is what sets apart father/brother from a husband. Simply putting a roof over her head isn't enough and he will be judged on more than just his financial status on the Day of Judgement.
Typical response from Arab man!!! Put up and shut up !!! Is not hurting you so what do you care!! You see women as subservient and that's all. How arrogant and selfish!! God help you!
Sister Hilly,
This is what I gathered from your post:
Your husband is:
Impatient
Swears, uses foul language
Watches porn
Fulfills his duties out of guilt and not out of fear from Allah nor sincere love and devotion
not considerate towards your feelings
He is disrepectful to his mother
He is short tempered
He is arrogant
He is not mindful of his surroundings- kids could grow abusive
He has no communication skills
His behaviour is distaning you and your kid from Islam
He seems forceful
He does not seem compassionate at all!
He seems opprosser
The only things are missing from him are:
He is not beating you
He does not gamble
He does not drink
Overall, I suggest you leave him but first find your means of security.
You have every right to be happy.
May Allah (swt) makes your situation easy for you.
Your sister, Parveen
Thanks for your support. It is not easy. I left my job for more than 10 years. I am trying hard, inshallah, I will get one soon and be good at it.
Only for the sake of my children, I stay. I try to avoid to argue, try to fill the gap that my husband cannot fullfilled, I try to sneak them here and there to play with their friends. All I said to them is your father does not need to know. I try to "sneak" out with them to have ice-cream or some treats occasionaly. (He does not allow as it is a waste of money.) I sneak out some money to buy something which their dad thought was unnecessary. For example, a little toy car ($2.00) for my little one.
Can you see that, I have to do it secretly and sneakly. My son when he was younger would ask me why they needed to hide their new toy. Now, he will put it away under his bed once he gets home. He once made a big fuss when I bought a stuff animal in Salvation Army. He thrashed it at the wall and my daughter was crying and got scared for the whole night. According to him, it is not about money, it is about principal, we should not spoil the children. I swear, my children barely have toys at home. My own family cried when they heard about it. They sent some toys and clothing for my children. My husband never complaint about it as it is not spending his money.
Sister, please pray for me, I do not waste my life and most importantly, I do not my children get hurt by this so called muslim. They start dislike Islam, for them is a whole long list of dos and don't. It is not kind but cruetly. Allah for them is only about punishment.
Assalamu alykum ,
Saqib :If he doesn't do anything haraam due to the fear of Allah swt, i believe he is spot on!
The sister said her husband watchs porn!!!!isnt it haraam???
please read what she said before you answer.Her husband is not treating her like a muslim husband should do in islam and that is very wrong.
The sister is here seeking for help and some advice and you saying Enjoy what you have now and thank Allah swt for it. Life in its real terms will begin after you die. She made it really clear there is nothing to enjoy!!!yes its true there are people who have it much worse and of course you should always thank Allah for what you have.But it doesnt mean that she should take it, she has the right to leave if she is not happy, especially when kids are involved and they shoul not get a wrong picture of islam. She mentioned her daughter said that she would never marry a religious muslim man and that is really bad,she got a wrong picture of islam!!! because of some muslim people with bad character people get a wrong picture of the religion.
Of course it is up to her if she wants to be patient and makes a lot of Duas to Allah that her husband changes but she doesnt have to!!!
sister im really sorry to hear that your husband is like that.In islam its not allowed to treat your wife like that at all and the things you said about him doesnt have anything to do with the religion. Its more cultural,there are so many people they pray and fast but dont do it because they love this religion or they fear Allah,they do it because they are used to it,maybe because of their parents,family......
sister i think you should go and talk to an imam about this issue first. He will inshAllah give you some good advice,tell him about your situation and that you do not want your children to get a wrong picture of islam because of your husband. Ask your husband if he agrees to come to you and talk to the imam. I heared of a lot of people had similar problems and after they talked to a imam they tottaly changed!
Tell him he should fear ALLAH, he will have to answer this one day, what is he gona say then???
pray istikhara , do it everyday and trust in Allah,whatever will happen after it will be inshALLAH good for you. Make a lot of Dua to ALLAH.
If your husband does not agree to come and talk with the imam about everything and if he does not change then it is up to you if you stay or leave.
Pray istikhara and inshALLAH you will make the right decision sister.
Wa alaykum assaalam
@Saqib... It seems to me that a MAN can live without being respected.. because most of MEN, especially Muslim men, think that providing food and shelter is what respect is all about.. The News is, its not.. Respect is, to be considerate of others feelings and needs, especially emotional needs.. Research says that a man percieves a woman's needs quicker than a woman can percieve a man's feelings... forget the research.. human nature is that when you care about someone..you just keep reading them all the time... and whenever you find that they are uncomfortable or unhappy.. you try to comfort them.... this guy surely has no respect, consideration or importance of any of the family members.... and surely he has no clue of what Islam is...
the thing is, Allah has promised for a persons food and Naseeb.. So if a guy tells his wife or anyone else for that matter, that he is providing...and that the wife will not be able to eat or sustain without him.. well he is wrong... he is trying to be God...
The other thing is... Allah has not created human beings to worship Him... If he wanted Worship only... he had Angels... who never get tired of obeying Him in the best manner... who have no desires of their own... Allah created humans to love each other.. be compasionate with eachother.... he placed so many tests for humans in the form of their families, neigbours, money, huqooq-ul-ibaad... Any person who fails these tests, Allah surely is not in need of that person's worship... Our worship of Allah is OUR need... Because we want to Thank Allah... And because Allah is all deserving of our Ibadah... If this guys thinks that by doing so-called Ibadah, he is doing any Ehsaaan on the people around him...he is one of the misguided people...
@Hilly..
Work on yourself.. your health, career, your childrens' lives... And dont be scared when he says he will wipe away your records from government records... he can not do that.... I know average Muslim women will find your seeking seperation wrong... but there are Muslim women associations.. or abusive relationships associations for muslim women... try to find something in your city... and talk to some woman you don;t know personally..... cuz those who know you personally are gonna do nothing but gossip about it... you can even go to the some american organisation dealing with women in abusive relationships.... they will provide you with support... and your children must be the citizens there, so i think you wont have to leave the country...
I am talking from my own expereince... I am in almost the same situation... the only difference is, that my husband,, otherwise a good person,, behaves with me the way his parents tell him to... and though it is going to hurt me so much leaving him.... but it is the only option I have.. as he refuses to make any decision about our lives my himself... he doesnt keep my secrets from his parents... and he decides every small thing between us, by asking his parents.... and they dont really like me :)...
I can totally understand when you say that you started to hate ISLAM.... its these kind of people who make others hate our beautiful religion.... My father was a great Islamic scholar... but he never pushed us to pray or do any Islamic deeds... but we always saw him pray... he used to sit me in his lap and recite the quran by heart..... and that is such a beautiful memory, that whenever I read Quran, I remember my father (he passed away 15 years back).. and whenever I remember him, all I want to do is recite Quran... I can not remember a time when he scolded us or my mother.... I tried, but can not remember one single time that my parents were angry at eachother... he would come home in the evening and go straight to kitchen, and talk about his day with my mother.... and all we could hear was laughing.... Only these memories take me back to Islam and give me faith in humanity, and that there are good Muslim men out there... otherwise, my husband has done everything he could to make me hate the faith that I was always proud of...
Selam Alekum Hilly,
I am so sad for your situation. I want to first say you do not deserve this abuse for you and your children. Are you American or what country are you from? I can relate very much to your situation as mine has been similar. You must value yourself and pray to Allah. The way your husband treats you is wrong and wrong in Islam. It does not mean that all Arab people are like this. There are good people and kind people but its just hard to find them.
I want to give you the name of a good organization that may be able to help you. It is called The OVERSEAS DOMESTIC VİOLENCE HELPLİNE. They are located in Oregon, USA. Ask for a woman named Noelle. She is a wonderful social worker and she helps people all over the world in domestic violence situations. They have been very helpful to me. Please get help for you and your children. I am very concerned about your well being.
Not all Muslims are like this. This is not the way a true Muslim will treat people. Please do not blame the religion. There are abusive people in all religions. Please no that your not alone. Islam is a beautiful religion, keep your faith now and keep praying. NOUR is also a good organization that can help you , and it is a Muslim organization. You can look these up online.
Your husband is very psychologically abusive and this can be just as damaging as physical abuse. Please know that Allah does not want any person to be oppressed. Oppression is wrong in this religion. But many men think its ok to hit and abuse their wives. Their spirits are mean and cruel, and you can not change your husband unless he wants to change himself.
Abuse can get worse. Please get help and know that their are better men who will treat you kindly. Please get help.
May Allah Bless you.
salam alikum ....LMAO i found the last bit funny ........... All I wish is Allah punish him by giving him a disease or some accidents. This is so evil of me inside. I want to be a better person. I want to move away from him and start a new life...
sometimes i feel like that i say some aweful things about my husband too i know i shoudn't but the pain he gives me and the way he thinks he can get away with everything i hate it so damn bad i sometimes want to divorce my husband i even say it to him when we argue it's because i have no trust in him anymore . i want to but i cant especially when i've got 2 kids with me. i feel so low. my husbands got another image like my dad they both the same.i feel suffercated with my husband around. i feel like i'm a nobody when were around people he has his attention to everyone else . were arguing all day and night or even over the phone we dont talk to each other for weeks and then when were together happy again we'll be happy when were away from each other it's like a evil soul clouding around us just to make us angry with each others selfish mistakes. my mother in law and sister in law make our relationship even worse i havnt spoken to her in ages but now cuz were buyin a house allah knows if were going to get it or not but there is so much tension especially living with my parents cuz when were arguing my dad gets involved and my mum so i'm like the bad one in eveyones eyes.sometimes i wanna be really bad cuz of my husband i used to pray and eveything but since i got married (it's bin 4years) i dont even do that.i'm like a spoilt muslim girl who's forgotten her reliogion bcuz of her husbands behaviour.
Salamun Alaikum sister,
Bismillah ar-Rahman ar-Rahim.
I am concerned for you, my sister. I dont know you, your husband or your situation, I can only go by what I have read. I want to give you a different perspective and something to think about. Please forive me if I offend or upset you in anyway. InshaAllah, something I say will make sense and will benefit you in someway.
Firstly, I am concerned with the amount of backbiting in this thread. You are complaining (venting) about your husband, for what purpose? If you were describing your husband's behavior because you were seeking advice on how to help your husband, then that would be different. Astaghfirullah, the sister's and brothers giving advice to leave or not based on one side of the story, also concerns me, for you too are participating in backbiting.
http://www.islamawareness.net/Backbiting/prohibits.html writes:
"Major sins are indeed the cause for all misery, evil and torment in this world and the hereafter.
And the worst of all sins are those that are greatest in harm and danger to humanity. Among the destructive major sins are backbiting and slandering. These two sins are forbidden by Allah because they sow enmity, evils and discord among people and lead to destruction. They cause hostilities between people of the same household and between neighbors and relatives. They can decrease in good deeds and increase in evil ones and lead to dishonor and ignominy.
Backbiting and slandering are shame and disgrace. Their perpetrator is detested and he shall not have a noble death. Allah forbids these acts, as He says in the Qur'an:
"Backbiting and Gossiping are from the most vilest and despicable of things, yet the most widely spread amongst mankind, such that no one is free from it except for a few people."
Backbiting (gheebah) means mentioning something about a person (in his absence), that he hates (to have mentioned), whether it is about: His body, his religious characteristics, his worldly affairs, his self, his physical appearance, his character, his wealth, his child, his father, his wife, his manner of walking, his smile, it is the same whether you mention that about him with words, through writings, or whether you point or indicate him by gesturing with your eyes, hand or head.
As for the body, is when you make fun of how someone looks, or mentioning any bad quality in him, as saying: "he is blind", "he limps", "he is bleary-eyed", "he is bald", "he is short", "he is tall", "he is black", "he is yellow", "he's too thin", "he's too fat". As for his religious qualities, it is when you say: "he is a sinner", "he is a thief", "he is a betrayer", "he is an oppressor", "he doesn't pray", "he prays so fast", "he does not behave well towards his parents", "he does not pay the Zakat duly"." As for the worldly matters, then it is when you say: "he has poor manners", "he does not think that anyone has a right over him", "he talks too much" …etc
Allah says in the Qur'an:
"O you who believe! Avoid much suspicion, in deeds some suspicions are sins. And spy not neither backbite one another. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? You would hate it (so hate backbiting). And fear Allah, verily, Allah is The One Who accepts repentance, Most Merciful" (Qur'an 49: 12)
In this verse, Allah strongly forbids backbiting, and he compares the backbiter to one who eats the flesh of his dead brother. If he would hate eating the flesh of his brother, he should also hate to eat his flesh while he is alive by backbiting and slandering him.
When one reflects deeply over this assimilation it will be enough to keep one away from backbiting.
Abu Hurayrah (May Allah be pleased with him) narrated that Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) said:
"Do you know what backbiting is?” They said, “Allah and His Messenger know best.” He then said, “It is to say something about your brother that he would dislike.” Someone asked him, “But what if what I say is true?” The Messenger of Allah said, “If what you say about him is true, you are backbiting him, but if it is not true then you have slandered him."
Backbiting is so widespread among people that it has become an issue of people’s meetings and an avenue for expressing their anger, misgivings and jealousy. Those who indulge in backbiting are hiding their own imperfections and harming others. They are oblivious of the fact that they are only harming themselves.
This is because the backbiter if the wrongdoer and his victim is the wronged, on the Day of Resurrection both the wrongdoer and the wronged will stand before Allah Who is the Just Judge and the wronged will appeal to Allah to avenge the wrong done to him, Allah will then give this wronged person from the good deeds of the person who wronged him in accordance with his wrong by backbiting his brother on a Day that no father will give his son any of his good deeds nor a friend to his friend. All will be saying, ‘Myself, myself.’
Ibn 'Abbas (May Allah be pleased with him) reported that Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) once passed by two graves and said:
"Verily, they (occupants of graves) are both being tormented and they are not being tormented for something major." In the report from Al-Bukhari:
"Rather, it is indeed something major. As for the first one, he used to go around spreading gossip (nameemah) and as for the other, and then he used not to protect himself from his own urine." [2]
The scholars say the meaning of "and they are not being tormented for something major" is "something major" according to their opinion or "something major" for them to have abandoned doing.
Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) also said:
"Who protects his tongue from unlawful utterances and his private parts from illegal sexual intercourse; I shall guarantee him entrance into Paradise."
Also Abu Mousa Al-Ash’aree narrated that Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) said:
"I asked the Messenger of Allah: Who is the best Muslim? The Messenger of Allah replied, "He is the one from whom Muslims are safe from the evil of his tongue and hands."
And Abu Sa’eed Al-Khudree narrated that Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) said:
"When man wakes up in the morning each day, all parts of the body warn the tongue saying, ‘Fear Allah as regards us for we are at your mercy; if you are upright, we will be upright and if you are crooked, we become crooked."
So, Muslims, you should beware of slipping of your tongues and do not give it free hand to wreak havoc on you. For a too free tongue destroys its owner and causes him calamities and evils."
My advice is...Turn to Allah(swt) for guidance. Read Quran, pray Istikhara. Seek an Imam for mediation/intervention. Find a brother who can speak to your husband in a way he can understand to encourage change. Find a pious objective sister, whom you could seek advice on what you can do to help. Investigate yourself to see what you are doing to contribute to the problem. Make sure you have done everything you could to make things better. The last resort should be divorce/leaving.
There may be good reasons for the decisions of your husband, Im not saying he is faultless or hasnt done wrong. Maybe how he has gone about isnt perfect. I can not judge, nor is it my place, However he is human and is bound to make mistakes.
I am far from perfect, Astaghfirullah, I make mistakes daily. I sometimes forget that the reason my husband is confronting me with my mistakes is because he cares for me. It would be far easier for him to ignore my mistakes, (that they arent worth the time, energy of explaining or Astaghfirullah, the arguement I give) but he does so, happily, because he loves me and wants the better for me.
Be objective, sometimes our own egos get in the way. Astaghfirullah, I know this far too well. It is hard, even when I KNOW I am being egotistical, its hard to stop and admit that not only did i make a mistake, and lose the arguement that i tried to use to defend my mistake, but also to be too proud to admit it, even when its spelled out in front of me. All because i didnt want to be wrong.
Is it possible that your husband is pointing out your faults so you can better yourself not because he wants to put you down? I it possible he doesnt want you visiting friends so you are not tempted to gossip and backbite, not because he wants to keep you prisoner? Is it possible your husband wants to teach his children that they must earn new toys so they appreciate what they have, not because he doesnt want them to have playthings?
InshaAllah and with Allah's(swt) guidance, I have said something that has helped you in someway. InshaAllah you will stay and seek guidance and advice to help you and support your husband to change for the better. InshaAllah, If it is ordained for you leave, Depend on Allah(swt) as He is the Provider. May Allah(swt) guide, protect, and give you peace with what ever you decide to do. Salamun Alaikum
Jennifer, I don't agree that this is backbiting. She has not named, him, and we do not know either of their identities. She has described a situation, and asked for help and advice.
You advised the sister to "Turn to Allah(swt) for guidance. Read Quran, pray Istikhara. Seek an Imam for mediation/intervention. Find a brother who can speak to your husband in a way he can understand to encourage change. Find a pious objective sister, whom you could seek advice on what you can do to help."
I agree with all of this. This is good advice. But according to your standards, won't it be backbiting as well? If she seeks a brother who can speak to her husband, what can she say to him? She must describe the problem, right? If she goes to an Imam for intervention, she must describe the problem, right?
You see my point. Seeking help is not backbiting.
I appreciate your reminder that none of us are perfect. However, as far as the "good reasons" part, I don't agree. There are no good reasons for verbally abusing one's wife, calling her names, shouting at her in front of the children, etc. You say you cannot judge, but I suspect if you were in the sister's position you would feel differently.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Answer to Professor X:
I want to answer the questions you post but how can I do that without exposing my background too much. Is there any direct email I can answer those questions.
I will try to answer some but not all of it.
1. I am not eligible to apply for Social Services.
2. My family memebers know about it and they are not either in US or any other English speaking country. They are very good Christian and that reinforce their negative image towards muslim as a whole. They will totally receive me if I go back but the problem is my children. They do not speak the language and the only school they can go is international school. It means money, a lot of it.
3. I do not have saving. All my saving had spent in the past 10 years to support some needs to my children here and there.
4. He did give me a mahr. It was a small sum but he did give it. ( I told you that he is the guy will follow rules as he does not want people to pull his leg.)
5. I cannot bear to tell his mom as last time her heart was almost broke when her son treat her like that. She is old and has high blood pressure and has diabeties. (my husband never stop sending her money for the same reason above.)
6. I do not live in Oregon, how can I contact some overseas domestic helpline in my State?
7. As my daughter states: as long as we do not ask him (my husband) for "things" - either material or doing a task for us, we will be safe. We try to fulfill his needs - making food for him, clean and tidy the house, keep our noise down, then we will be fine. My daughter is also planning a looooong looong plan in her mind, she wants me to stay and stay low, wait until she finishes her university, then we take off and leave him behind. It sounds so depressing as she is only 14 but has already has this thought.
I know it sounds like a movie but that's what we can think of right now. Because of his job, the children can have good health insurance and education support. I know it is so sad and sounds living in a low life that we have to rely on him.
At the same time, I try to get back on my own feet.
8. The pro side is he never lays a finger on me. (emotional abuse is more than enough but noone can check) In case, any worse things happen, I can't wait, I think I will take my chance to go to the shelter. The children are afraid. They are so afraid of having "zero and nothing". They saw some of thier classmates on benefit which is not a nice story. But I want to explore the options.
9. My daughter also suggests using Ramadan as a period to confront him and his religion. This is the time to forgive and repentent. We hope he can change, we still have a slight hope. We may also contribute some tense relation in the family according to him. If we do that, we will either end up in the street or end up to be treated even worse or Allah knows, maybe he will change??? I doubt it. I really want to try.
In last year Ramadan, he talked to me in a gentle way and wanted my forgiveness. We talked on what had happend on that particular event. I forgave him from my heart and we had a short period of harmony in the family. And that's why my daughter came up with this suggestion.
That's all I want to say.
Thanks everyone. Any comments is welcome but making dua for me and my family is the best. I need people to pray for me. May Allah has mercy on me.
sister Hilly salam 🙂
InshaAllah, you are doing okay.
Not adding any additional advise, but just thought to say this that to me you seem like a fair person. I mean with each negative point you make about your husband, you also add the positive (if any) point about him. That is a really good thing to have in a person. It shows that you see and think from all angles objectively before you place your judgement and you are truly seeking for a just advice.
Also, last week I watched a TV show about bullying and in there they revealed that verbel bully is much worse than physical bully. A mature girl called-in and said how her teachers never believed her that she was being bullied because she couldn't prove sign of any beats (scar, wounds) on her body. So I do agree with your point #8 that 'emotional abuse is more than enough but noone can check'
InshaAllah, I hope your husband becomes a better person this coming Ramadhan. May Allah (swt) makes your situation easy for you and your children, ameen.
Takecare,
Sister,Parveen
Reply to Jennifer,
Thank you for your advice. I also want to thank anyone who leave me some advice here. I did not speak about him about his behavior in the community at all. I appreciate this website as it seems to muslim woman like me is the last resort I can get comfort from. I really want to go to some social services which is gear for muslim family who are suffered in abusive relationship. I found none.
One of the major stumble block is muslim in general has the mentality like you. Anything is backbiting, anything is haram, we are not supposed to speak to others. Just pray to Allah and pray such and such how many times, then quote from huge literature from hadith and Quran talking about being be patient and submit to your husband, etc etc.
Interestingly, since I am a converted, some sisters will loose their guard and telling me things that I do not want to know. I live in a small community and witness muslim women whom hit by their husband physically. I witness the father abondoned the family and married a third wife. I witness the father who pray in the masjid five times a day does not allow his wife to go out at all. I witness women suffered from depression, I witnessed women suffered from mental illlness becuase of verbal abusive and being confined in the house only. Such and such, I heard, I saw, and I listened from the vitcims and I pray with them.
They never did backbitig, they just pray to Allah. They never even dare to go back to their family. I maybe the outspoken and if I am backbitting, may Allah forgive me. My tolerance has enough.
What I want to say, can this mentality be changed and taught? Be honest with me, can you see most of the families are happy? Once the girls reach to the puberty age, they are not allowed to participate in the community or any acitivities. Is this the way Islam should be? I am not talking about mixing and going out. I do not know if there will be a growing sense of the need in the community in general that we should also seek professional help. All I heard is we muslim don't do such and such.
If I am a billion billionarire, I will really donate and support agencies like this. I would like to see muslim grow healthy and happy. Both their Iman and their human nature grows flourishly. May Allah bless your websites and bless whoever give advise to the seeker. To you too sister Jennifer, may Allah bless you. Thanks.
so he shouts at his mother and abuses her in front of his children, he watches porn and is confortable with that, he watches filthy kuffar t.v and just sends the children to bed, he is arrogant and he is ignorant of the religion, and you call him "religious"?
wal'iyâthubilâlh, wallâhi he is faaaaar from being a good muslim, this a dispicable fâsiq and inshâllâh you should ask Allâh a way out from this, you never know whether Allâh is preparing to humiliate him in this world because of the way he treats his mother., because abusing parents will haunt youin this life before you enter the hell fire because of it.
tell your daughter that her father's actions don't make a person "religious", in fact it is the opposite of that.
teach your children to read the stories of the prophets [as] and sahâbah ra] or the 'Ulamâ and then they will see what religious is.
sister, i ask Allah by his greatest name to guide you and your children and your parents to islam.
asalam waliykum,
You are not alone sister my friend she is in her late 40's and is a revert, when she first got marrried to the Algerian brother she was new to the religion and thought he was religious. he used to abuse her and belittle her and tried to change her. She is outspoken and independent. After only a few years nothing changed and she divourced him. She is happy now, her kids are grown up and she is tronger in her religion. She knew that being arab doesnt make you a muslim, or a good muslim at that.
I tell new reverts to not rush into marriage allow 2-3 years to grow into the religion. build up your lvoe for Allah and you connection with God, strengthen that first and know about your rights, know about how a muslim should behave. Learn about the best women in Islam and how they are treated by men. You are a queen and deserve the same treatment. love and respect. Do not think that all muslim men are like him. That all arab men are like that. there are the good ones those who follow Islam.
We all make mistakes and one thing i learnt from my own marriage no one is perfect but when you have an understanding your spouce should be willing to change to better teh relationship for the sake of Allah.
It seems after all your years of trying and sabr it hasnt worked out.
I advice you to both go to a muslim counciller or to the local imam someone with islamic nowladge who can advice you both. If he will not go with you, go alone and seek help. you may need to think about seperating, even a trial seperation may kick start him into acting right.
Do not let him deter you away from Allah. Islam is perfect the people are not.
I feel so much with you. Our situation is quite similar. I am a religious Christian and married my muslim husband who at that time was not practising his religion at all. I thought that "love would conquer everything".....
We lived in the Middle East for 2 years. THen we returned to "my" country in Europe and have lived there ever since.
We have three children now and have been married for more than 18years. Around 7 years ago he began to fast, to pray (not every day) and go to the mosque once in a while and I must say that from that time our marriage start to become really really bad. He at the same time continued with his dubble standards; e.g. cheating in tax, downloading pirate movies from the internet, watching porno, degrading my Christian religious friends and to my big anger and resentment having a secret relationship with a young non-married muslim woman and lying about the relationship until I proved that - through telephone bills details - that he had phoned and send her several sms every day. After that I lost my trust in him. A trust that has alway been very very very deep. It disappeared because I realised that he was capable of lying to me, his wife, one day and the next day go to the mosque for Friday prayer and the next day meet this non-religions muslim woman (who by the way had a photo of herself on FaceBook wearing only underwear!) . Actually I am in doubt if I ever really got to know my husband. .. After discovering his connexction to the other woman I moved out of our house with our youngest daughter, and he was in chock! He begged me to return and after 6 months I accepted in giving my marriage a second chance.
It was better in the beginning but then he started to act just as badly as before and the worst is that he is so much emotionally neglecting our children and acts very selfish while on the same time claims to be very religious and taking religions matters very serious.
He goes to the fittness centre every second day for three hours even though he has very long working hours already from 6 o´clock AM till 6 o´clock PM. I told him many times during the years that especially our son needs a father that shows interest and care in him. And that our son needs a good and stable role model. Actions speak louder than words.
I also tried to talk with him about being an honest moral human being 24 hours a day instead of choosing to be religous on off and only in the areas that suited him. Is is a matter of integrity.... That I know that in Islam the family is holy and that we deserve care and respect. I explained to him, that his behavior causes a very big sadness in me and that his behaviour makes me turn my back very much to Islam, I have to admit. The more superficial religious he became the worse did he treat me and the children : being very controlling, shouting and now during the Ramadan he fast but verbally abuse me at the same time. I pity him a lot actually.
I have started to be very strong about my Christian faith and the past 3 years I attend a very good and honest church with truely respectful people.My husband of course would not let the children go to church and I have accepted this. I never say anything bad about Islam in front of the children.
But he tries to destroy my faith in God so much. He prevents me from attending prayer meetings and critizise me a lot in front of the children every time I go to church. He interrups my personal prayer time in my home and so on.
My love for him is almost gone and I want to divorce him . The only thing that prevents me are our youngest daughters because I know that he will not be able to emotinally take care of the children. They have made several comments already on "Dad´s strange behavior" and that they are so sorry about the way that he treats me . I guess that after around two years from now it will be a better time to leave him because our daughters will be more mature and will be able to state their opinons more easily to their father.
I fear however that the divorce will be difficult to obtain since we married in a mosque.
May Allah have mercy on my husband´s soul and let him realise that through his dubble standard of living he is about to loose his family. I am a only interested in him having a good relationsship with our children even though that we divorce. I would never try to prevent him from seeing them, because they should respect their father and acknowledge him for being the person that gave them life. This is the greatest gift of all.
But I am almost sure that my husband would do every thing possible to hurt me through the children. He is emotionally not very mature, I am sorry to say. I pray to God every day many times of a good solution for all of us and try to keep the level of conflict as low as possible.
(English is not my mother language so sorry for lingual mistakes in this comment.)
May A l l a h give you a true muslim husband who will rock your world and show you the beauty of this religion, and may A l l a h guide you to what is best.
also, tell your husband that the fast of a verbally abusive husband ius not accepted by A l l ah as our prophet told us [pbuh]
Salam and may God bless your good intention and strengthen you body, soul and spirit in every way possible.
Could you please explain to me from which verse(s) in Al-Quran or the Hadeeths that the fast of a verbally abusive husband is not accepted by Allah ?
I would be most grateful. Thank you in advance.
“O you who believe! Fasting is prescribed for you as it was prescribed for those before you, that you may become Al-Muttaqoon (the pious)” [al-Baqarah 2:183]
The purpose of the fast is to develop Taqwa and self-restraint. Not simply to experience hunger and thirst. So if one is not controlling his temper and learning to restrain his bad behaviors, then he is not fasting properly.
Abusive behavior is forbidden at any time of the year, not only in Ramadan. The Quran says,
"O you who believe, let not a people ridicule [another] people; perhaps they may be better than them; nor let women ridicule [other] women; perhaps they may be better than them. And do not insult one another and do not call each other by [offensive] nicknames. Wretched is the name of disobedience after [one's] faith. And whoever does not repent - then it is those who are the wrongdoers." (Quran 49:11)
And the Prophet (sws) said, "Abusing a Muslim is a sin, and killing him is disbelief." (Bukhari and Muslim)
As for its effect on the fast, the Prophet (Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) said: “Whoever does not give up false speech and acting upon it, and ignorance, Allaah has no need of him giving up his food and drink.” (Bukhaari)
The Messenger of Allah (salAllahu alayhi wasallam) said, "Fasting is a shield (or a screen or a shelter). So, a person observing fasting should avoid sexual relations and should not behave foolishly and impudently, and if somebody fights with him or abuses him, he should tell him twice, 'I am fasting." (Muslim)
The Prophet (sws) said: "If one of you is fasting, let him not utter obscenities on that day or raise his voice, and if anyone reviles him or wants to pick a fight with him, let him say 'I am a person who is fasting' " (Agreed upon)
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Somehow, the traits that you mentioned are similar to that of 'Iblis'.
Iblis was a protagonist when it came to leading the prayers and setting a benchmark among other Jinns. However, when it came to following Allah's command of prostrating in front of Adam, he refused which showed is double standard.
Thus, it clearly showed that Iblis was a Muslim externally but not internally.
I would rate your husband as someone whose external dimension showcases him as a muslim but internally he is not.
I will pray that Allah gives you the courage to sustain.
As I read your concern I identified myself with you. Im married with a muslim person and it s really hell living with him. But I do not blame the religion . I think is the individual that has the evil side. I think we need help because why we are staying in a unhealthy relationship. In your case if you really want to leave the relationship you could do it, there is a lot help from the Department of Public Social Services such as food stamps, cash aid. medicare and shelter. I think is us that we opted to live in such a abusive relationship. We need to seek psicological help. God bless you I hope all your problems will resolve.
Sorry about your situation sister.
The symptoms you described seems like Narcissism to me.
May Allah make a way for you my dear sister. May you have the strength to deal with your difficulties.
Sister the Quran gives its philosophy on Islamic Marriage as:
“And among His Signs is this that He created for you spouses of your own kind, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy for one another: verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.” (Quran 30:21)
Hence any Islamic marriage involves mutual love and mercy, so you may live in tranquility.
May Allah blessings be with you and your family
I need to talk to u .suffering from same problem. can u talk to me. my
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Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear sister..I would advise you only one thing... Please leave... Just because he does his responsibilities as a Muslim does not give him the permission to ruin other people lives who are associated with him. There are plenty of countries to go to. Firstly talk to ur children and explain the situation to them. Then try to seek help for single mothers and kids like lot of organisation help abused women and children with money. Then look for a job. And just leave with ur kids. Ask them to enroll in part time jobs till u find a good job...I'm sure Allah will help u...once u settle down apply for a divorce and maintainence from the court for u and the kids... That will also be of a lot of help. Allah has given us one life and dying everyday will only make him unhappy... Allah is watching everything and I'm sure he sees ur situation as well and forgive you for doing this.but just take ur kids and leave... All the best