I am suspicious my husband is cheating on me, why?
Dear Bilkis,
I´ve got a problem which I would like to be answered. I´m married and my husband is too strict towards me.When we got married, I wore hijab and started practicing Islam with my husband. Now, he doesn´t read namaz and takes spliff and also is commiting adultery with various women which I have discussed in my previous post.
(http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/my-husband-is-beats-me-up-and-cheats-on-me-but-i-still-love-him/)
He has nothing islamic about himself and I am glad that I read my namaz and everthing because without all this I don´t know what I would have done.
We live with his family, in which one, he has one married brother. Since I´ve married (for the last 6 years) I have not spoken to his brother and if in any way he passes by me or I pass by him, my husband gets angry and after that keeps saying where are you going etc . If I need to go to the toilet, he will say things like you keep needing the toilet now or if I go upstairs into my room and his brother is home, he´ ll say where are you going and why. I know deep down why he says these things ,because he doesn´t trust me but when I say I can´t live like this or what is your problem, he´ ll just get angry towards me.
Before I got married, I use to talk to his brother but only if I needed to contact my husband when his phone was switched off and also it was my husband who gave me his number to get in touch with him if he didn´t answer.
Once, he said to me that its not because I don´t trust you, it can also mean I don´t trust the other person but I know he doesn´t trust me, that´s why he does this. I have done nothing in anyway but he always says you´re really pretty so I think that´s why he does this things.
He doesn´t take me out at all and when he does, for example: his mum was going to Pakistan, so we went to the airport to see her off. When I was there I kept my head down most of the time but when we got home, he said to me I know you were looking around at men when I wasn´t and even his sister was making fun of me saying why you keep looking down,have you lost something? So even if I do go out with him in any case, he tells me to look down even if I'm not doing something he´ ll think I´m doing that. If I need something, I have to tell him or his sister to get it for me or he ´ll say, I´ll take you out of town for shopping because to many people around you know (meaning men). But that´s not true because I didn´t talk to men even when I wasn´t married. He is bit of a sicko.
The worst is that I´ve caught him out so many times having affairs but he ain´t caught me out doing any thing, it´s all in his head. He thinks if I´m doing it she is, too. Recently, I´ve been telling him to take me out and my life is so crap. So he took me out in the night because no one is going to be out at night, he said. Recently, I found this number written in paper which I rang and my husband answered it. So I rang it again a couple of days later and he answered it again, now I knew he had a undercover phone which he had hidden in his car. I went through his car whilst he was asleep and found that phone. He had all girls numbers in there and txt msgs saying meet up etc. Obviously I was heart broken but because I´ve been through all this before, I can survive the pain now. He doesn´t know that I know his got a phone hidden away in his car because firstly he will shout at me that I dont let you leave one room to another and you went out in to my car without me knowing and secondly he´ ll just make excuses and promises etc. I want to know that what goes through mens heads.
Firstly, he says to me he loves and cant live without me, then he doesnt take me out because he says he feels ashamed (which by the way i dont think. I think he doesn´t take me out because we might bump in to his girlfriends and obviously he can´t talk to them in front of me).
DOESN´T HE FEEL ASHAMED WHEN HE HAS DIRTY GIRLS IN HIS CAR. DRIVING AROUND WITH THEM LOW CLASS GIRLS. DON´T PEOPLE SEE HIM THEN.
Secondly, I do everthing for his happiness. Doesn´t he feel guilty when he is doing such acts, that this girl is doing everthing for me and look what I´m doing. He talks about Islam and eveything but how can he DO all this too. Isn't he ashamed that Allah swt watching him and what he is doing.
Somtimes, he goes out in the night and doesn´t comeback until the following day and gives me stupid excuses like my friends were not getting out of my car etc. The funny thing is that his brother is at home then but he doesn´t care then if I´m going to the toilet or kitchen etc when he is out.
Please tell me, are there such men out there who are also like this. It scares me when i think about my future but then I think Allah swt gives me patience through this but maybe Allahs giving me a sign but when I think of leaving. I get scared because I love him and I have left him in the past but always come back to him because of his fake sweet talk that it won´t happen again. When I´m alone in my room I start thinking of what he has done to me AND I start crying and when he doesn´t come home and stays out all night I just think he is with another woman and start going crazy. What is wrong with this man............pls tell me. Why is he doing this to me and if there are men like this out there. What would you be thinking?
- hurt
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Message from sister Hurt:
Husband now wants a second wife:
Ive got a question which is confusing me and has taken my peace away from me.
Well if you have read my previous posts then you will know that I am not in a very happy marriage. My husband says he loves me everyday but at the same time emotionally and mentally he stresses me out. "You can't do this and that" and calls me horrible names etc. A couple of months ago me and my husband were just talking when the second wife subject come up. He said to me "would you let me get married again?". I was really shocked at this because we did have a love marriage and he claims to love me very much so the second wife thing was a shock. I said "no I wouldn't",it will hurt me very much and if he was do that then, he will have to divorce me first,then he started saying: "say if you couldn't have children" (because we've been married for 5 years and I keep having miscarriages). I was also hurt by this comment because he never shows hapiness on his face when I do tell him I'm pregnant and now his giving me stupid excuses like that...so I said don't worry I'll get myself checked and inshallah I will have babies but don't ever ask me that question again because it hurts me.
So a couple of days ago I was looking at my hand lines and I realised I had 2 lines for marriage on my hand then after that I also checked his and he also had 2 so I told him we both got 2 marriage lines on our hands but I don't think it's true because my sister-in-law has the same lines but she's still happilly married. My husband turned around and said "I don't know about you but mine probably can come true". I felt really hurt and said" what do you mean by this",he said "I can get married but you can't",so I replied ,"to get married again you will have to divorce me first because I wouldn't be able to life with such a pain.........."
Then he started to say things like I THOUGHT YOU LOVE ME,WOULD YOU LEAVE ME,I COULD NEVER LEAVE YOU,YOU WOULD ALWAYS BE MY NUMBER 1 IF IT HAPPENS,IF I GOT MARRIED AGAIN I COULD NEVER LEAVE, CAN U BE WITH SOME ONE ELSE ONCE YOU'VE LEFT ME BLAH BLAH BLAH. So I said ""yes I would move on",he said "what you would move on, I can't believe you said that". So I said to him "what would you expect me to do, cry all my life that the one guy I ever loved went and got married to another woman who tells me he loves me very much?". After that he started using emotional stress on me like when someone is trying to get you to agree to something without your happiness. So I started crying and said" I know from your behaviour that you're already with someone and you want to get married to her, that's why your putting so much pressure on me and what is it that your not satisfied with, I do everthing for you" and even sometimes he himself says that you do so much for me, I said that means I'm lacking something that's why you want to get married again. Then he said don't be silly ,I was only testing you to see what you would say, I was only messing around. He even said "you can live as sisters and wouldn't you do it for Allah's sake". But at the end of it I was so upset by that , that from that day I've got no peace and I'm always thinking that he is with someone else because I have caught him out a couple of times cheating on me.
If he loves me so much why would he ask me such a question when I've told him not to ask me such a questions but then he blames me for the conversation we started because I started the marriage lines on hand subject. Can you please tell me why would he want to get married again if he loves me so much and I do eveything he tells me do for him. If you love someone you don't ask them something which you know will hurt them. Does this mean he has got the intention of getting married again in his heart or he is already with someone he wants to marry because having no babies is an excuse because he told me himself that having children is a big responsibilty and I get scared thinking about that.
please help.thankyou.
- hurt
Assalaamu alaikum dear sister hurt.
I have read through your previous and current posts and I am astonished at the way your husband treats you. You have to ask to use the bathroom?! You are being treated as nothing less than a slave, NOT a wife. I am concerned because it seems that you are almost oblivious to it. Please sister, open your eyes - you deserve SO much better than this.
You say you are suspicious your husband is cheating on you - he is. This is one of the reasons for his behaviour. He is wary of you cheating because he himself acts in this way. Dear sister, this relationship is damaging you emotionally, physically, and it will damage your health as well. Please, I strongly urge you to leave and don't return to him. Don't listen to his false promises and apologies, he will never change. I know you feel you love him, but with time, your feelings for him will fade.
He sweet talks you to make you stay when you feel like going. And when hes got you in place, then he puts you down and makes you feel worthless so that you feel like you deserve to be treated this way. You dont. When you remind him of islam and how he is doing wrong - he turns this on you and makes you feel guilty for things you shouldnt feel guilty about?
Plan beforehand
.He is controlling you, so please make arrangements and get out. You may want to move back in with your parents in which case, when he comes crying you have to be strong and dont fall for his promises to change. Sorry to be harsh, but he wont change and it isnt love, merely control, as he has shown through his actions.
.It may however, be a better idea for you to find secret accomadation for your own safety. There are organisations which can help you with this. This depends on what country you are in. If you need more information, on this feel free to post. You have mentioned how he has beaten you badly in previous posts, so this man seems volatile. His behaviour is disgusting so please keep yourself safe.
. Plan before hand. Take any documents and anything you need.
. Dont tell him that you are leaving, I advise you to just leave when he is not around. This is not a sin.
. Pray to Allah and ask Him to give you the strength to get through this. You will get through this sister.
. I strongly recommend you have counselling, as your acceptance of your husbands behaviour is not normal. This will really help InshaAllah.
I pray that Allah swt helps you to safely get out of this situation and gives you happiness in this life and the next.
Ameen
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
x
men! they will never cahnge will they.... always thinking about other women when they get married .... why then get married? cant they marry an adultress then they can both cheat on each other..... why distroy an innocent muslim girls life.... sad fact is they will never change..... then they call us women evil and dangerous.... they want us to be perfect but they can do all faults.... they watch too much movies.... i do believe there are good men out thr with morals but they are already dead lol or married to women who use them....
As Salam Alaikum WB dearest Sister
May Allah help you and guide you in this difficult time of your life...
Firts of all I know it's easier said then done, and so many brothers and sisters have given you such constructive advice here that you should not turn a blind eye to. There is no happiness in the marriage you are in...Its not a marriage its a compromise.. But compromising what? you have to just think if the cost outweighs the benefit...meaning...the cost of your feeling's is it worth living through the pain your going through for him? your "LOVE" for him...is based on what? his character? his personality? his Islam and deen? his care and love for you? I don't think you can tick any of the above can you sister? where is the benefit here? All i see is cost. Cost of your feelings ,time, energy and peace of mind.
Sorry for all the questions... but the bottom line is, that you love him for who he WAS not ho he IS. And you wait around believing and hoping that he will change and be who you want him to be or be who he was, but he has proved you wrong time and time again. What are you waiting for?
you have found evidence of his unfaithfulness to you..ur his wife you are not someone he keeps at home to come hoem to and have a meal ready, your his companion in life this journey you both share...he has no right to treat you this way.
Sometimes a person doesn't change from what they were, and sometimes Allah guides them but its not upto any human being to gudie a person because we can talk all day hold the quran open to them and their hearts will not take it in...the reason i open my heart to you is because i am at lets say beginning level of what you are going through now....im not married neither am i engaged but i am feeling these same feelings you are for someone i love, i know exactly what to do but my foot is only set on him maybe changing......since i have not got anythign to use against him as you have....we are really young and im just seperating my heart form my mind to see how things will come out....my heart is set on something and i hope to achieve it but time will tell how things unfold..but the thign is i know what i dont want!!!
Please get out while you can someone out there is waiting for you that loves you will care for you and provide you with everything that your current husband isnt giving you....theres no time to waste....people like that dont change and we dont need to sit around for them either....Allah has given you a choice to leave him if you can..if you stay in this relationship then yo uare only suffocating yourself and then you cant ask anybody to help you..since there is a way out its upto you to take it or not.
May Allah make it easy on you as for all of us in dillema inshallah ameeen...
Lots of Love and Duas from me
Wafa
You love him? You love a man who has no shame...who sleeps around and doesn't care if he brings home a sexually transmitted disease? You are a beautiful woman, can you not see that in your reflection in the mirror? You say you have been married for six years...do you have children? Do you have family who will help you? This man is an animal with no regard to you and your feelings. He is truly blessed to have such a loyal and loving wife who fears Allah but he cannot see it due to his ways. Men like this do not change...period. Reach out to your family...do not be ashamed and do not be quiet. Do not continue to be silent. You are not a rug for him to wipe his feet on. Lift your head woman, do not look down as though you are a dog to do his bidding. Do you think our prophet Mohammed (saws) would think his behavior acceptable? No...he would not and you should not either. Seek out your family...ask for help. Until you do, this man whose behavior is that of a male whore will continue to creep around because he has no one to answer to (at least in this world). May Allah lift your head and your spirit. Six years is way too long to be silent about such atrocities!
My husband was married to a Muslim woman prior to me and I presume he became a Muslim for their wedding ceremony. When he married me we had no religious affiliation but within my mind I honored my fidelity vows even through the months of filing and waiting for a divorce from him. My point being with or without religion it is the inner workings of our psyche that really matters and not outside rules. Follow you spirit and not your emotional heart strings.
There is hope within the future if you move on and take care of yourself, you wont be able to rely on him, there is no worthy soul nor conscience at this time within your man so he has no reason to change for the better.
You have this life to improve yourself and I wish you much luck
Sister
You need to leave this man. He is so horrible.. He thinks everyone is like him. He thinks you are a cheat, his brother is a cheat. He is just controlling your life and making you a slave in your own house. How can you wait for your husband knowing he is with another women. You should pick up and run!!! This man can bring AIDS home. He can destroy your life forever. Do not wait for him to change. He is doing this to you because you are quiet and you are putting up with this behyaviour. You need to stand your ground now! Do not accept this. Leave
Rumaysa