Tag Archive for ‘loneliness’
Others might not be bothered delaying nikah in the desi society, but some have strong desires and since I’m one of them, why should I suffer? Some portray marriage as such a complex thing, as if it’s no different than being jailed. Now I’m 22, don’t watch porn, wish to stay away from fitna, sport a sunnah beard, and offer my prayers. But every so often when I get depressed, I just can’t help but please myself.
I can’t find a partner for myself at all even though I have done many wazifas and prayed a lot. Though I have had proposals, but nothing seems to eventually work out.
I thought Allah hated me and wanted him to hurt me. Even though I know that’s probably not right, I still feel that way sometimes. I feel like Allah hates me. Thats when I go back to my suicidal thoughts. I planned, but I’m too scared. Sometimes though I hurt myself without knowing because I’m just so sad.
I was seeking love, but never got it. I know that I am bad, but I love Allah a lot. I always weep. Then after that in 2011, I again fell in love- but now it was serious and very supporting. He gave me that love which I had never gotten in my life.
Something inside me is torturing me saying,’You are not so good looking as Non muslims, who have fair white skin, and they all have pretty girls and they are also admired by girls for their muscles, and attractiveness. Allah maybe doesn’t love you. In fact, He doesn’t help you in your everyday struggle to be without someone to love. Watch how they enjoy sex, live fullfilled lives, get good positions at job, and look how they are enthusiastic about life.They get everything because they are good, and maybe you’re not so good’.
Time goes on and I remain alone. Every day my life gets harder and harder. I talk to myself. I talk to Allah; but not with my family, not with my friends, and not with my muslims brothers. There was a believer who helped me, but only when he has time so he stopped helping me. I tried to know more people. I go to mosque to pray even if it’s far away from my city. And yet, even there nobody wants to help me.
At times I get this feeling maybe Allah thinks I don’t deserve any friends or maybe He’s angry at me and wants me to be alone…
In all my years, I have been alone. I believe strongly in the sanctity of marriage, and I fear Allah. I have never been with a woman, never held or kissed one, although I have been heartsick over two. I fear Allah, but I am so lonely. My heart is breaking. As I get older, I fear the prospect of finding a wife to love and cherish is becoming ever more remote… is it my destiny to remain alone until I die?
Sometimes I wonder why Allah brings people in the world if they will have so many problems? There are even times when I have told myself that maybe I won’t even have anyone in this life, and then again this life is temporary. I just don’t know what’s happened to me? I don’t understand how rude, heartless, and conniving people get such caring, loving, and devoted partners; and when it comes to honest people who want good for others and care for others, they just have it so hard.
Please tell me how should I forget him and start a fresh, and whether I really love him or it’s just the effect of the loneliness with me. Pray for me that I get a religious, loving husband and the one who respects my feeling and emotions.