I’m terrified to go back to abusive husband who threatens to kill me
Dear I'm married have children and another on the way. I'm writing this message as I'm seeking for honest advice on how to proceed with my personal situation, as my self-esteem is very low to stand up for myself within my relationship with my husband and family and I'm terrified and scared. My husband has an anger problem. This was already clear from the beginning after getting married.
In the beginning of the marriage he used to slap me in the face or physically push me or throw me on the floor. He would then have regret and ask for forgiveness and I would have pity with him and forgive him. I have tried several things to help him (from my perspective), by supporting him to follow trainings, motivating him to go for counseling to improve his self-esteem and deal with his anger.
My husband kept humiliating me in front of my children, was disrespectful towards my family when with his family, things I tell him in secret he uses against me. He emotionally manipulates me by threatening with divorce and threatening to meet other woman and to even disbelief, this all in a fury which are not only humiliating towards me but which is incorrect towards God.
I have had patience and tried to cope with my situation, I looked for help from his family and my family. However nothing really helped as we aren't dealing with the real issue.
Finally I had informed him that I can no longer stay in this marriage for I'm falling into sin and I'm on the edge of losing my faith. I have been suicidal and still am from time to time, it's only my faith in Allah that kept me from committing this awful sin. I looked for counseling and when he found out he refused me to go, so I go in secret now. When I found out I was pregnant again I wanted to abort my child and I had to fight against the thoughts of suicide. I only couldn't proceed with this as I still believe in Allah.
I have requested my husband that we should seek help to improve our relationship by asking family or professional help. However he refused and kept refusing. Finally when I wanted to give up he contacted his family to talk with us. However this didn't go without any threats or fights. He even went to the edge of pretending to turn the car upside down by pulling the steering wheel very hard on the high way with me and my youngest daughter in the car.
Everything that I had said in his presence and his brothers presence has been used against me. He is still humiliating me and disrespecting me. I cannot keep in this situation as my children see everything that is happening and if I beg him to leave the kids out he says that they have to know as well. At this point I have given up and do as he wants me to even this is not enough from time to time. From my side there is no love, loyalty nor trust anymore.
I would like to know what to do, for my soul has been burdened more than it could bear and has fallen into several sins. I know Allah will hold me accountable for these are my own actions regardless of the situation I am in. People from my community tell me to be patient and tell me that I'm not the only one who is being emotionally manipulated and/or physically maltreated. That this will go away after time. However what I do see is that even once the manipulation has stopped, the offspring from such families do the same with their wifes and children. He has threatened to kill me if I leave him. I am not with my husband now but with my mom. He wants me to come back and promises me better ship. I don't have the energy and trust anymore to go back and am terrified to go back. My heart already tells me what to do and I'm just afraid to take the next step.
My brother-in-law asked me to give him another chance and he would help him to improve himself and deal with his problems. I don't know anymore what to do. I have to stand up for myself, however it will benefit as well the kids if he would change. Currently I can't deal with him physically, emotionally and mentally I can't blame him for my acts and take ownership for this. I have forgiven him for what he has done to us, however I find it very hard to continue with him even if it would be only for the sake of the children.
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