Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m terrified to go back to abusive husband who threatens to kill me

beating abuse physical children

Salamoen aleikoem,

Dear I'm married have children and another on the way. I'm writing this message as I'm seeking for honest advice on how to proceed with my personal situation, as my self-esteem is very low to stand up for myself within my relationship with my husband and family and I'm terrified and scared. My husband has an anger problem. This was already clear from the beginning after getting married.

In the beginning of the marriage he used to slap me in the face or physically push me or throw me on the floor. He would then have regret and ask for forgiveness and I would have pity with him and forgive him. I have tried several things to help him (from my perspective), by supporting him to follow trainings, motivating him to go for counseling to improve his self-esteem and deal with his anger.

My husband kept humiliating me in front of my children, was disrespectful towards my family when with his family, things I tell him in secret he uses against me. He emotionally manipulates me by threatening with divorce and threatening to meet other woman and to even disbelief, this all in a fury which are not only humiliating towards me but which is incorrect towards God.

I have had patience and tried to cope with my situation, I looked for help from his family and my family. However nothing really helped as we aren't dealing with the real issue.

Finally I had informed him that I can no longer stay in this marriage for I'm falling into sin and I'm on the edge of losing my faith. I have been suicidal and still am from time to time, it's only my faith in Allah that kept me from committing this awful sin. I looked for counseling and when he found out he refused me to go, so I go in secret now. When I found out I was pregnant again I wanted to abort my child and I had to fight against the thoughts of suicide. I only couldn't proceed with this as I still believe in Allah.

I have requested my husband that we should seek help to improve our relationship by asking family or professional help. However he refused and kept refusing. Finally when I wanted to give up he contacted his family to talk with us. However this didn't go without any threats or fights. He even went to the edge of pretending to turn the car upside down by pulling the steering wheel very hard on the high way with me and my youngest daughter in the car.

Everything that I had said in his presence and his brothers presence has been used against me. He is still humiliating me and disrespecting me. I cannot keep in this situation as my children see everything that is happening and if I beg him to leave the kids out he says that they have to know as well.  At this point I have given up and do as he wants me to even this is not enough from time to time. From my side there is no love, loyalty nor trust anymore.

I would like to know what to do, for my soul has been burdened more than it could bear and has fallen into several sins. I know Allah will hold me accountable for these are my own actions regardless of the situation I am in. People from my community tell me to be patient and tell me that I'm not the only one who is being emotionally manipulated and/or physically maltreated. That this will go away after time. However what I do see is that even once the manipulation has stopped, the offspring from such families do the same with their wifes and children. He has threatened to kill me if I leave him. I am not with my husband now but with my mom. He wants me to come back and promises me better ship. I don't have the energy and trust anymore to go back and am terrified to go back. My heart already tells me what to do and I'm just afraid to take the next step.

My brother-in-law asked me to give him another chance and he would help him to improve himself and deal with his problems. I don't know anymore what to do. I have to stand up for myself, however it will benefit as well the kids if he would change. Currently I can't deal with him physically, emotionally and mentally I can't blame him for my acts and take ownership for this. I have forgiven him for what he has done to us, however I find it very hard to continue with him even if it would be only for the sake of the children.

~MaryamAnissa


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11 Responses »

  1. Asalaam alaikum,

    I am posting these links first, as they are of primary importance.

    United States
    http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/
    http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/safety-planning/#4
    http://www.womenslaw.org/laws_state_type.php?statelaw_name=Restraining%20Orders&state_code=GE

    Canada:
    http://www.attorneygeneral.jus.gov.on.ca/english/family/guides/restraining_order/

    General Tips on Restraining Orders:
    http://www.ehow.com/how_2140119_file-harassment-restraining-order.html
    http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverelationships/a/restrain_order.htm

    Please click the links I posted above. If you are in another country, I will try to provide the resources from there, as well.

    There are more links and important information in this previous post:
    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/unstable-harmony/

    Do not go back to your husband ever again!!! Any misguided person or alim who does suggest that you go back is not enduring the abuse and is not acting in accordance with the law or Islam, including his brother. The brother is an enabler as far as I'm concerned and is just as caustic to you and just as guilty at this point, as your husband. Do not trust them or listen to them ever again! Your husband has already tried to possibly kill you and your daughter and that's a criminal matter called "attempted murder." Playing with an automobile at any speed is stupid, reckless and completely insane. This man is a lunatic and should never be believed for a second.

    Now that you are safe, the next step is to petition your local court to receive a restraining order against your husband. Restraining orders only require you to make a complaint and you can simply call the local police department to get the ball rolling. Most restraining orders can be issued within days, if not the very same day. If your husband or his brother approaches you again, please call for emergency assistance by dialing 9-1-1 if you live in the United States. Do not allow them into the house or meet them anywhere, no matter how many people accompany you. Right now, you need to understand that your life is in danger and any threat your husband made to you is to be taken seriously.

    The second step is to contact an attorney that can help you find social services, resources and the legal course of actions to take. I hope you have the courage to press charges against your husband and have him arrested and convicted for the criminal abuse he has done to you. Behind bars is where he belongs. If he acts like an animal, then he should be caged as one. I have no tolerance for these men whatsoever, because they are manipulative, dangerous and will kill their wives. Do not allow your children to become orphans by ever letting this man back into your life.

    What about the children? Again, file for full legal custody once you have the restraining order and consult a lawyer. Right now, they are not safe with him and I would encourage you to contact the police so that they can assist in removing the rest of the children from the home and bring them to you. Do not go get the children on your own! The police and your lawyer will be able to help you get the children.

    Do not ever return to the house alone! You need an armed police escort (2-4 officers) to be with you! Do not allow your mother to go by herself to your home, either. Usually in these cases, the abusive spouse may try to harm the children or other family members, so please be careful! Your husband has already shown a predisposition to this.

    If you work and have security personnel there, please also advice them of your situation so that your husband will not be permitted to approach the premises. Show them a copy of the restraining order, as well. Do not be embarrassed to doing this! It is better to be safe than to have your husband try to hurt you there or your other co-workers, as well.

    Do you have a relative in another state, city or county that you can move in with at this time? Preferably someone and somewhere far away. It is time to start thinking about your own safety and restarting your life completely away from this man. I know this will be a great step to take, but you need to consider getting away from this man as soon and as far as possibly. He should be made to answer for his crimes and serve prison time for what he has done. Please do not become his victim ever again!

    I want you to know that there is a world of Muslims and non-Muslims who love you, care about you and want you safe and secure. We want you to heal, be happy and one day, Insah'allah, find a real man who will love you.

    Please let us know that you are still safe and how we can help!

    • By the way, whoever told you this.....

      People from my community tell me to be patient and tell me that I'm not the only one who is being emotionally manipulated and/or physically maltreated. That this will go away after time.

      ......does not know their Qur'an and is an misguided and religiously culpable. Get away from them, as well. Do they not know these verses, Chapter 4, Verse 130- 135?

      But if they separate (divorce), Allah will compensate each out of His abundance. Allah is ever All-Embracing, All-Knowing.

      Unto Allah belongeth whatsoever is in the heavens and whatsoever is in the earth. And We charged those who received the Scripture before you, and (We charge) you, that ye keep your duty toward Allah. And if ye disbelieve, lo! unto Allah belongeth whatsoever is in the heavens and whatsoever is in the earth, and Allah is ever Absolute, Owner of Praise.

      Unto Allah belongeth whatsoever is in the heavens and whatsoever is in the earth. And Allah is sufficient as Defender.

      If He will, He can remove you, O people, and produce others (in your stead). Allah is Able to do that.

      Whoso desireth the reward of the world, (let him know that) with Allah is the reward of the world and the Hereafter. Allah is ever Hearer, Seer.

      O ye who believe! Be ye staunch in justice, witnesses for Allah, even though it be against yourselves or (your) parents or (your) kindred, whether (the case be of) a rich man or a poor man, for Allah is nearer unto both (them ye are). So follow not passion lest ye lapse (from truth) and if ye lapse or fall away, then lo! Allah is ever Informed of what ye do.

      If any community thinks domestic violence is acceptable, then they become an abettor to the oppressor. There is a specific ayat in this regard that they should fear and reflect over when recommending such nonsense as their advice exposes.

      Chapter 42, Verse 42

      The way (of blame) is only against those who oppress men and wrongly rebel in the earth, for such there will be a painful torment.

      Chapter 23, Verses 39-41

      He said: "O my Lord! Help me because they deny me."
      (Allâh) said: "In a little while, they are sure to be regretful."
      So As-Saîhah (torment - awful cry) overtook them in truth (with justice), and We made them as rubbish of dead plants. So away with the people who are Zâlimûn (polytheists, wrong-doers, disbelievers in the Oneness of Allâh, disobedient to His Messengers).

      How they expect to stand before Allah (swt) on the Day of Judgement is beyond me.

      • 'Sabr/Patience does not equate to the endurance of suffering in silence' - Organisation, 'Nour DV' (they help UK based victims of abuse and domestic violence).

        SisterZ
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Salamoen 3aleikoem,

      I have cried and cried after reading my own story here and all the posts, I want to thank you all from the deepest of my heart.

      The childeren and I are safe. When I left, the childeren were with me I would never ever abandon them.
      I had already contacted an attorney before everything escalated to the point that I had to flee. The attorney informed me on what files to prepare and provide to file for a divorce and request for full custody over the childeren. Even she urged me to go to the police if any abuse would occur again. Even the counsellor informed me to do so. However I lack currently the courage to go to the police, I know I have to do so.

      It feels like the worst still needs to come.

      Thank you again and May Allah bless and guide us all.

      • Walaikum salaam Sister Maryam-Anissa,

        It is a relief to hear that you and your children are safe, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah!

        Contacting the police puts you on a good ground for establishing the fact that your husband has a record of violence and will help you to get a permanent restraining order against him, too. If you want, and this may be the most comfortable situation through this difficult stage, ask your lawyer or counselor when you visit with them, to arrange to have a police officer there to take your statement. This way you have some legal and moral support through this ordeal. Many attorneys do this for their clients and so can the counselors. Ask a family member to accompany you there, also.

        I want to say something to you Sister: fear is something that you have lived with for so long and of course, you need to still be cautious in your life. Yet, his power came from the fact that you were so fearful and like a cannibal, he fed off that emotion. It is going to be one of the hardest components of your life to un-learn, so to speak. While fear can sometimes save you, if it becomes so great to debilitate you, it will be your end. Be careful with this emotion and the best way to do this is to take care of yourself and find a support group, friend or relative to confide in and help you through this journey.

        I also want to say, "we are proud of you! With the gifts that Allah (swt) has given you, you have saved your life and are ensuring the well-being of your children. You are a magnificent mother! We admire your brave soul, your courageous fractured heart and your ability to have courage over fright. You are a wonderful soul, mother and woman. What a beautiful creation of Allah (swt) you are!"

        We will keep your children and yourself in our prayers. I ask if you could please do the same for every women out there right now who hasn't found a way to escape from her abuser, yet.

        May Allah (swt) keep you safe and guide us all.

  2. Dear Sister,

    There is not a man placed upon this earth that is worth what you have been through. Continue to seek counseling and stay at your moms. This man is sick and it is only a matter of time before he ends your life or that of your children's.You have done the right thing by going to your mothers place. I pray that you and your children will get help and out of the current mess into a safe environment without the threats and physical abuse.

    Salam

  3. salaam sister,

    It is sad to know that you have been through so much..According to me you should never consider going back to that man again..We females get emotional soon and forgive but whenever the emotional things come to your mind try to remind yourself of the bad things he did to you.That will help you from getting emotionally weak for him at all.This is what I do.Although mine is not a totally similar situation but my husband put me through too much of psychological abuse and now wanted me to agree on him having open relationship etc etc and finally we are divorced..Anyway it is good to try to forgive but not to the extent that you face so much cruelty.I feel he is some psychotic case so don't risk yours and your daughter's life anymore.And ofcourse it is natural that all your love and trust for him is gone so don't worry about that but just keep away from him.Keep asking Allah for help and inshlh Allah will help you.

    Such an unhealthy environment affects the kids also psychologically.Although we are unaware of this usually and feel what will a kid understand but it does affect..So for your daughters' and your own well-being leave him.Allah is there to take care of all of us and he loves us a lot.

    May Allah give you a lot of peace and happiness.

    Take care..Allahafiz

  4. Dear Maryam,

    I can not even imagine the pain you have already been through! Beieve me, your willingness and strength to keep things intact, to keep a family intact is truly admirable.

    Honestly, you have done everything that one could have expected out of a truly dedicated mother and wife. But your husband, it seems, has time and again, let you down, let your children down. The worst thing I feel is your husband it seems has taken your affection and your loyalty for him, as your weakness. All I can say is, I feel sorry for him, for he's at the losing end, for he's losing someone like you.

    Yes, not any amount of words all of together write in here can erase the trauma you have been through, but please be assured that no one thinks you have a reason to feel sorry or guilty for what you have chosen to opt for as an ultimate solution.

    Also, please do not think you're alone in this, your best allies after ALLAH are your own children. We often underestimate our babies, but even though very young they do have a sense of right or wrong. And believe me, they know their mother has endured a lot. And now they can only admire you.

    Also, you're such a wise and wonderful human being, then why do you think you should you let actions / decisions of others, affect your life, your children's life? We have to live, live well and strong.

    I am proud of you, and am sure a lot of us are. So please be strong and please be good to yourself, above all. You deserve it. :)

    You're RIGHT in doing what you have chosen to do. Stay strong and stick to your decision.

    Pray ALLAH blesses you & everyone you love, with immense affection and happiness.

  5. May Allah swt protect you dear sister.

    You have been through so much which you dont deserve. Don't return to him - he has shown his true colours so please dont listen to any 'promises' he makes.

    I would advise you to contact an organisation in case your ex husbands puts you in any danger. Please listen to Professor X's advice on staying safe. It might be a good idea to move to a safe place he doesn't know if he has threatened you as well. If he tries to stalk you, depending on the country you live in you may be able to get a restraining order. May Allah swt keep both you and your children safe and give you all happy, peaceful lives.

    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. Sister I pray that Allah helps you to get you out of this horrid situation. In my view I think your husband has taken you for granted.And has used and manipulated you in an evil way to get his way. if he was a good husband he would have treated with love and affection. But instead he disrespects you beats you I think that makes him a coward .I hope Allah subhana watala brings love and peace back into your life!

  7. Salaam sisters..... I am In need of advice.

    (Remainder of comment has been deleted. Ayan, I'm very sorry to hear about what you're going through. But you need to log in and write your question as a separate post. Thank you. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)

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