The biggest decision of my and my son’s lives
Asalamu Aliakum
My story is so long, sorry for troubling you all but I need urgent help & support and advice….please.
Dear brothers & sisters, I am in need of advice an support, I hope this question is answered, please I am stuck. My wife left home 16 months ago, I tried so hard with my family, friends, and relatives to sit down and talk about what the issues are because to this day I still do not know why she left for so long (2nd time in 3 year marriage left home). Her family refused to entertain the idea to just discuss and kept her away from me. The worst part is she is a 4 hour drive away and has my toddler son with her. I was stopped from seeing my son for 10 months, until I took it to court for my son’s sake to have his father in his life. Alhamdulillah’s, I was successful and every 2 weeks I did the long drive to see my son for a few hours for 3 long months, stayed in hotels, stayed in cold freezing car waiting but I stayed strong for my son, and by Allah’s blessing, he now stays with me overnight for one night every 2 weeks and finally got to meet my family after over 1 year without seeing anyone. It is hard of course but I have an amazing family, the only heart-breaking part is when his mother drops him of, he cries so much to not go to me but after I take him, he is completely fine. You should see the smirk on her face when he cries for her. I understand it is not his fault, but it breaks my heart, and cry every journey home when I drop him back to his mum. I have never let him see me cry.
I will say that I did visit her and my son while it was snowing, she would not answer her phone, her family would not open the door, I actually slept in my car that night due to the long journey, asking her for a duvet, but not a single reply. Next day her family allowed me in for 20 minutes to see my son only. I did not see anyone else. Every nappy, milk, cloth I had taken for my son, her mother screamed down the stairs for me to take them with me, when I said no these are for my son, they shoved all these things back into my car. I don’t’ want to say what I felt on the drive home; I am sure you can imagine.
After we went to court, I was then told by her 'you took me to court we are now finished and our marriage is over’. Few days later she contacts me and wants to try to fix our marriage and I should cancel the child court order but I stuck to it, she always drops my son of late, picks up late, then I get solicitors letter that when my son is with me for just a few hours, he gets ill, I don’t change nappies, I make him cry, etc etc so many lies. Her letters did not scare me and I stuck the order. After she was not successful, she wants to again try to fix marriage, so I tried for the sake of my son, then she changes mind, then wants to try again, then changes mind and so on to the point she changed her number for 5 months! (changed number 3 months after she first left). Something just is not right.
After a few months of no contact she contacted me again for her belongings, so I said we need to discuss our marriage and take it from there, I explained it Islamically and the reply was ‘ok mister mufti saab!’she refused to talk and 'disappeared' for weeks on end again.
Eventually she came with the police, her brother & her brother’s friend to take her stuff and left behind the wedding dress I bought for her (very expensive). 1 week later I received a solicitor letter telling me to give that dress back as it is hers...sigh. So I just gave to keep the peace it as I am not materialistic. She then blames me for giving back all her stuff, and says he only came for some ‘winter’ clothing and I kicked all her stuff out. Honestly writing this I feel so ashamed of her behaviour. In front of her brother, the police and her brothers friend, she told me to shut up, told me I was fat, old (I am only 29!) etc etc. I told the police, you came because she lied and said she feels scared, yet it’s her behaviour that is being shown up, she just nodded.
This is an extremely angry women, with a family who refuse to listen and understand anyone else, her father has called me mentally disturbed, called my mother the same, my family low, his family does nothing wrong and I am this, that and the other. It is so tiring.
I got shouted at, pushed, called not a man, I am nothing without my father, mocking me, mocking my family. saying bad things to me when I drop my son of to her (he is only 18 months). She gave her rings back and asked for a divorce and I should hurry up and give her one yet when I did she told me to cancel because she wants to ‘try’ again. Calling me fat, old, mentally disturbed, my mother is this and that so on and so on. Exactly what her father calls me, she does the same. I remember going to see my son after 8 or 9 months of not seeing him, her dad proclaimed 'WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR YOUR SON! I was not allowed to see my son, then I am questioned. It’s so crazy & strange.
So i got tired of the game, and I filed for English divorce, then she refuses the divorce and wanted me to cancel the divorce and try again. Looking at my son, I did stop it and tried again. Everything seems to be going good, then 2 days before she is to return home, she asks more time and she is 'confused'. So from caring if I am eating, sleeping, to now she’s disappeared again.
Where do I go from here? I look at my son and cry not to divorce so he can grow up to be a man in my house and not in another man’s house if she marries again. I am scared to get divorced. She is toying with me I know it; I know she does not love me even though she says she does. How does a wife leave a husband for this long not caring is he is alive, eating, sleeping I just don’t get it.
I am not upset about her because she treats me worse than an animal, like she said her father is FIRST then I come next...that hurt me alot. I am scared to lose my son, and she is already influencing badly (giving our son a Mohican haircut, toba toba). So I told her why did you do this, her reply is 'if you don’t like it go cut it again!)
I have now been separated for 17 months. I live alone sleep alone, eat alone, did Ramadan alone, cook alone, clean alone, Come home from work to empty house no warmth of a wife’s smile. No laughter of my child. It's so hard.
What shall I do brothers & sisters, is it time to man up and divorce? Should I be patient? Any thoughts or advise?
May Allah guide me.
livingdaybyday
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salam bro, by reading this story i will only say one thing and that is to leave her and the boy, i know you love but stop hurting your self for that bitch trust me you can get a better wife then that fool. Dont stop sering your child bec6thats yours but leave the idiot and het married again.
Salam, I wanted to reply to each and everyone of you who took time of your life to reply to me but maybe il write to much. Firstly thank you.
Secondly let me tell the person who said i should say sorry this woman took my son for 10 months, took all the gold, processed form to take monthly maintenance then changed her number. She emptied my life and bank account. So I prayed to Allah to watch my back and I went to court. The court didn't decide she is best for our son, he just lived with her over a year so its difficult to take a son away from a mother at such q toddler age nothing to do with her being better. She lives at home with her family rent free and doesn't work but recently bought a brand new car!
Now from court my son comes to me Friday to Sunday Alhamdulilah. She still makes problems arrives late, cancels visits last minute. Mocks me etc etc. I just smile and take my son and drive home. Then she would not agree a time for collection because I work she decides 11am is good time but I changed my working hour to finish 3pm. Hey guess what she said if you give me £50 more every month I'll agree your time haha. Is this a person whoses looking at best thing for child??
I processed the divorce...she hasnt bothered to sign it...dragging it long to make me spend more solicitors fee! Wants to kick me out of my house to take it when she lived there 2 weeks!! Greedy selfish ignorant human.
Now i receive calls from someone with accent from where she lives mocking and insulting me with private number. Still I ignore and see my son. I let her go completely and she still continues her games
As Salam O Alaikum Brother
They are calling you Mentally Retard but looking at the entire thing what you have wrote they really seem to be Mentally Disturbed just everyone at your In Laws place.
The Main culprit must be your Father in Law, who is making his daughter dance on his tunes and she is dancing. Really awful.
At first place, why did she leave all of a sudden after your son was born? I mean has any mistake happened from you knowingly or unknowingly? Try to recollect. For you it might not be a mistake but what others take it as one cannot really judge about it. So try to recollect.
She calls you fat, names and all. Well are you depended on her father? No ! So what right does she have to call you Fat. Ridiculous. I earn, i eat, i become fat and am very proud about it. No one has the right to call me fat since i dont eat from there money. And morover she is calling you fat now, then why did she marry you at first instance if she has to keep such names now after you have a baby. Such a disgusting woman. Sorry to say but very disgusting.
You should go ahead with the divorce else your whole life will go in entertaining this Daughter - fathers tantrums. About your Son, well no damn person can stop you from being in touch with him. Else every new month they will come again with some new stories and games. You are being played. And now if she comes again by turning up her mind you please dont entertain her. The way they have made you run and have topsy turvy rides, you make them go through more so that down the line in future they dont dare to play such weird games with any other man. Awful People. Wonder where they are going to repent for there sins.
I wish you all the very best brother. Lots of best wishes to your Angel. May ALLAH bless him with immense happiness and joys of the world. Ameen. Sum Ameen
Wa Salam
Salam brother,
I think its time to seriously think why your wife left you... I'm having a hard time to figure out your story from an unbiased point of view as you haven't told much of anything from your wife's view. Who is the good guy, who is the bad guy?? On one hand it sounds like your wife is crazy and unpredictable. On the other hand it sounds like the courts have already judged that your wife is better suited to raise this child, that you are not a good fit. Although to be fair, courts are not always judging personalities or soundness of mind, but more financial stability.
Look inside yourself and think why she left and what did she keep saying early on in your relationship that she didn't like. If you find out what she initially didn't like, then go back and say sorry, write a note and mail it to her saying sorry.
If she responds positively then keep moving positively in your marriage for the baby's sake. If she responds negatively then pray istikhara and see what Allah shows you in daily life. If the answer is negative then give her an ultimatum for divorce and end it.
Salam,
Shereen
" On the other hand it sounds like the courts have already judged that your wife is better suited to raise this child, that you are not a good fit. "
Depending on where you live, in places such as the UK and especially USA, courts will almost definitely give custody of the child to mothers despite the fact that the mother may not be that good of a parent and the father is better.
Correct brother Asim, I live in the UK so the women have alot of power to do as and what they please and get away with it and that is coming from someone who respects woman alot and respects the court system.
If my son lived with me and I behaved and acted the way she has, I would have had him taken away from me long time ago.
Dear brother,
I disagree with the writer telling you that you need to say sorry, I am a woman, and from what I can see you have made allot of sacrifices going to see your son, trying and kept on trying to fix things with a woman who clearly is playing mind games with you, it is so sad that you are so young and you have to go through this, she seems unstable, just a thought that she might have found someone else, or she is keeping her options open that's why she keeps telling you that she wants to fix things, you seem like a kind hearted man and obviously you love her allot, but keep in mind that no one has a right to treat another human the way you have been treated, she makes you stop the court instances because she knows that the court will grant you rights to your son, I am sure that you are working and can provide for your son, the courts normally grant custody to both parents and the mother always (almost always) gets to keep the child, so its got nothing to do with you not being able to take care of your son, If she was not woman enough to tell you why she left then it is not for you to go and beg her to tell you, normal people speak about something that bothers them and if she was such a wonderful woman she wouldn't have left in the first place, my advice to you is you are still young, no one goes into a marriage to get divorced we all try to make things work out, from what I can see it is time for you to move on from this very bad unhealthy lifestyle , Allah is most forgiving and most merciful, pray to him and put all your faith in him.
And Allah knows best.
Take care...
Slms
Salaam brother, my advice to you is that you are a very soft and tolerant man. However you need to seriously make a decision here. This cannot go on for any longer. I personally wouldn't even divorce her, that way islamically she can't get married until her previous marriage is over. Not that she probably will care about it islamically but she will be sinful. You can still marry without divorcing her unless english law objects. Bottom line is brother, get her and her family out of the picture. You get married to a good pious women who obeys and loves you, keep in contact with your child by visiting him and bringing him down and providing for him financially if necessary. Finally u start building your own family and have kids In Shaa Allah. Allah says "after difficult comes ease". May Allah make it easy for you and bring happiness back to you brother. Let go of that women and her family. She is poison. When she marries again and if her husband turns out to be a monster, she will realise what she has lost but no coming back now. It will be too late. And don't worry about your son because if you keep contact with him then he knows about his father and as he grows he will know that you are there for him. Believe me, a strange man won't be able to take a father role. You will always be his father not somebody else and even he will know that as he grows In Shaa Allah. Make plenty of dua. Allah's kingdom is not short of anything
" I personally wouldn't even divorce her, that way islamically she can't get married until her previous marriage is over." - Not necessarily true as she could always apply for khula.
Brother Asim, I have filed for the English divorce. She used to demand, hurry up and send the divorce papers but I did not for the sake of my son. Then finally I prayed, got the courage, been through the hardship and with clear thinking I divorced this nasty piece of work, who put phones, snapchat, facebook, friends all before her husband. Today she gets another man to call and threaten me, how disgusting. She left me, asked for divorce....so go and live your life and stop bothering me but no it has to be like the all the indian dramas she watches day and night.
She also expects me to ask for Islamic divorce, why? because she does not want to give her mahr back. I told her ask for khula, no problem I will accept but nope I have to do it, of course to keep the stuff and to say oh look son this man divroced me what kind of a father is he!
Disgusting cruel behaviour, my life is in allahs hand, and I pray one day she realises the sin of putting a parent through the hardship to fight for his child.
I hope Allah guides you through it. To be honest with you, you not receiving your mahr back is a small price to pay in order to get rid of this woman. My humble advice would be to give her the English and Islamic divorce then forget about her. Of course you will have to remain civil and sort out a way of communication with her because you have a child with her but unfortunately we live in a society (Western society) where women are prioritised over men when both should be equal.
I hope things go well for you my friend.
Thank you brothers and sisters for your help & advise.
I am receiving private number calls from someone with a very distinct accent from where she lives. It is a male, and they mock me. What it the reason for this, I do not understand. She left, got the divoroce she wants, so why play this stupid games with me? Just to annoy me or what?
What shall I do?
Brother lodge a complaint with the cops from your area.
Also tell them whom you suspect.
Your wife should keep herself busy in some constructive work and so should your father in law too rather than playing such childish games. Empty Mind is a Devils workshop this is the case with them.
Ridiculous uneducated people even though staying in a foreign land.
I have reported it. It was not her father but some younger guy. I have no idea who
Assalaamualykum Brother
Im truly sorry for all this happenings. Being a woman, can I only say that if one has a good husband, is to never try to let him go. And am truly saddened about the behaviour of herself leading to a divorce. Pray to Allah swt and know that HE is all seeing and merciful.
Salam Fatima, thank you for your kind words.
Waalykumusalaam brother. Jazakallah, and I trust that you are coping and feeling better. I know exactly how you are feeling. But continue giving your heart to the Almighty, as He is the healer of everything.
Assalam Alaikum brother. I am wondering how you are doing now? You have a sad story. I hope you have access to your son and a better woman to help you forget what you lived through the first time. Ameen.